Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Does Your Husband "Not Respond" To More Physical Affection Because It's Still Nowhere Near Enough?

Transcript

Does Your Husband "Not Respond" To More Physical Affection Because It's Still Nowhere Near Enough? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I am going to talk about why your husband
• 0:13
  does not respond to physical affection changes and the reason
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  may be because it is still nowhere near the threshold for
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  physical affection, that would be what he wants.
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  And before we get to that, I should tell you to subscribe.
• 0:28
  I have lots of subscriber episodes.
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  The most recent one was, what if you and your partner have
• 0:32
  different ideas about retirement and empty.
• 0:34
  Esther years. And if you want to learn about
• 0:37
  that, which is a fairly common issue that I see and about 80
• 0:41
  other episodes close to it at this point that please do
• 0:43
  subscribe. So, what we are going to be
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  talking about is this idea that women have that if their
• 0:52
  husbands want more physical affection and they increase it
• 0:56
  by a little bit and they don't see any concurrent increase in
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  marital happiness overall. Then they assume that the guy is
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  just bullshitting, and he's never happy.
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  And the reason that this is an accurate is my favorite analogy
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  on? This is what if you gave your
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  kid penicillin to cure an ear infection, and you just gave
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  them like a quarter of the recommended dose, and then
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  you're like this, just a bunch of bullshit.
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  Penicillin doesn't work, this is a conspiracy theory.
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  No, it's not. You're just not giving any sort
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  of, you know, actual level like Possibly work and this is really
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  the same in terms of what I see. And here's an analogy that you
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  might like more. What if you told your husband
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  that you want him to be more romantic and he scheduled one
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  date night per year, you know or one day night a month you know,
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  I mean would you really think that that was cutting?
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  It probably not you know, or whatever Your Love Languages if
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  it's acts of service and you want him to do more chores.
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  What if you just did one more load Of laundry and he said,
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  well, look at her, she's never happy.
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  You would be extremely frustrated because you would
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  say, whatever you're doing, is not at any sort of level that it
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  could possibly change our Dynamic.
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  So if you are in this situation and you think that you have
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  disproven your husband's need or correlation between intimacy and
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  happiness, because you've tried to have sex with him one more
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  time per week, I mean that probably 10 minute and Counting
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  Der is really not going to do anything and instead it's kind
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  of a very close-minded and cold approach to marriage.
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  So, marital transformation is difficult and it's very hard to
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  change a habituated pattern and dynamic, but they can be
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  changed, marriages, can be changed, it's not going to be
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  from incremental, grudging tiny changes.
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  It's going to be from Big grand gestures and epiphanies such as
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  if you wanted your husband to be more romantic and he wrote you a
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  love letter every day. Or you wanted him to be more do
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  more chores than he took over doing the laundry entirely, or
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  if you wanted him to buy you more gifts and got you like a
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  little gift every week or whatever.
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  So, it wouldn't be just him doing it.
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  Like, Little bit more grudgingly in a way that is designed to
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  kind of just do the bare minimum and it's the exact same thing
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  with intimacy. You know, like, if you want to
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  actually transform your marriage and actually see how it would be
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  if you were in what your husband wants.
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  And of course, if you're the higher libido, female partner,
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  that just switch the genders, I just do it based on what I know
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  which is that men are more frequently in the situation of
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  being the one who is begging. Going for physical affection,
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  but some women are, as I say, it's like a third two-thirds of
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  what I see. It's probably, you know a little
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  bit less like that. And in the well, it's probably
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  even more men than women from what I don't see because women
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  seem to find me particularly well-suited to talk to about sex
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  problems, right? Cuz I talk about him all the
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  time. But either way you could just
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  switch the genders and any of my podcast if you'd like if it's
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  more relevant, that way, feel free.
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  But the the point Here is that nobody's going to get anywhere
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  from just doing? Like a little tiny bit more
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  intimacy grudgingly. Rolling your eyes, basically,
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  implying that it's not going to change anything, that isn't
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  what's going to happen? Like the people that want more
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  intimacy, they want like a sea change.
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  They want touching a lot and Casual touching intimate
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  touching like a whole different. Feeling like a warm open, Loving
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  Feeling in the home and between the couple, this is where you
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  should be. Applying your efforts.
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  Not to one more time of some form of touching per week that
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  really isn't going to do anything good, you know.
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  And if anything, the husband will will just become completely
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  disillusioned with the marriage. Like well wow, I mean with this
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  is her best effort, then really? We shouldn't be together and
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  honestly, he could be right, like if that's all That you
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  could get yourself to is a tiny, little bit more intimacy then,
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  perhaps you're really not compatible and that is not that
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  that is not a failure for two people to realize that they're
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  ultimately not compatible on a deep issue that is not somewhere
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  where a person has to be blamed. Or another person has to be
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  blamed. That could just be seen as we
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  just do not work as a couple. And we will continue to make one
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  another extraordinary really upset until one day we separate
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  anyway, you know, or for the rest of our lives depended.
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  On what we saw growing up. If we both saw miserable
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  parents, then we'll probably just stay together glued
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  together and marital disharmony and believe me, that doesn't
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  help anybody. So, the point here is to really
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  think about the spirit of the law and not the letter of the
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  law. When your partner wants more
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  physical intimacy, or any other love language, try to do a sea
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  change, like it a whole philosophical paradigm.
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  Shift from somebody who says alright, well I can only do it
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  once a week. Because I'm tired to somebody
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  who says, well, is this marriage worth seeing what it would be,
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  like, for me to truly get outside my comfort zone and be
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  intimate regularly meaning like close today, Lee and to touch,
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  and to kiss and hug, and whatever the same exact way, as
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  you would want your partner to act about your love language and
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  if your partner is the one who wants more sex, then you can you
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  find my full permission to share this podcast with them.
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  And to say, here is the thing that I I would want you to make
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  a paradigm shift about if I were trying to do that about sex, you
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  know, because a lot of men would be thrilled to have that
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  information because they are trying to probably in their way.
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  And if you were like, I consider doing, you know, the two more
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  loads of laundry a week that you're currently doing to be the
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  same as if I were to give you another peck on the lips every
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  week, then that will be an analogy that they understand.
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  And if you said, if you truly take over all of Y'see chores.
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  Then that I would consider that a grand gesture and I'm would
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  respond with a grand gesture. Then they may really hear that
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  for the first time So then you may be asking yourself what
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  would enough look like? Because if love languages are
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  very different and I just did a little video about how acts of
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  service are in my mind the opposite of physical touch.
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  I could do another podcast of full one about that.
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  But let's say that your love language is acts of service and
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  your husband's is physical touch, right?
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  Then, it's whatever enough would look like for you, you're smart.
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  You can do the analogy of it, you know.
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  My love language is not active service, but I had three kids
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  under five. Sorry, I had three kids under
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  three and a half. God.
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  I don't even fucking remember, I had three kids under three and a
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  half and then again, I did have three kids under 5 as well, but
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  but anyway, at that point, everybody's love language is
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  acts of service. I don't care what your real Love
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  Languages, it is acts of service.
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  When you have that many children, and they are that
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  young. So, So and and that, you know,
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  of course I should probably do podcast about that.
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  To love languages can change over time and acts of service is
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  a big one. When you are in any way
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  incapacitated such as when you're nursing a baby and you
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  have a toddler, you have a preschooler.
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  So, at that stage, acts of service would have looked like
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  me not having to worry about anything, you know?
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  Like, literally like me not having to worry about the
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  chores, you know, me doing what whatever I could do.
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  Then beyond what I could do, I would not have to worry about,
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  it would be magically taken care of.
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  And that is what when there are people who both are into doing
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  chores. Like, you know, people usually
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  marry like those two like, and second marriages.
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  As I've said, like, in my second marriage.
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  I don't have to worry about doing the chores.
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  I do. Like, what I do?
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  Let's say, I do the cooking. I don't have to worry, then
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  about the cleanup. It happens, just happens.
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  And so it looks like never have Going to think about it as a
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  problem, which is possible. You know, that that's actually
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  possible. If somebody is doing, you know,
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  their half of the stuff or more when need be and it just kind of
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  flows and that's what it would look like for physical touch,
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  you know, like your husband, you may think that he's so obsessed
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  with physical touch, you. Nothing would be enough.
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  I'm trying to make the point that yes, something would be
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  enough. I mean, the man's got a fucking
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  job, right? I mean like it's probably 40
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  something. You think he can really have sex
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  all day every day. How would y'all have food on the
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  table? You know, I mean, let's be
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  reasonable. Like he also have other
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  interests, you got kids. Like it would literally probably
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  look like, daily touching and sex a few times a week where you
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  look happy, you know, like that's really what it would look
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  like. Just like in terms of chores, I
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  don't expect my husband to be like building a new shed in the
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  backyard every day, you know, to do like home projects or
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  something. Like I just Expect him to clean
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  some shit out of, you know, like enough that I never have to be
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  like can you clean that up? Because we both understand,
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  there's a mess that will get cleaned up.
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  You know, that's what it looks like.
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  So, like, for example, people tell me stories where like, an
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  animal doesn't get fed. Like, you know, if it's your pet
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  isn't getting fed. How could it be enough?
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  Why? The animal we just get fed?
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  You know? Like, that's what it would be
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  like, literally, like, there there is it like, Like a woman
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  who wants our husbands and takeover of feeding the dog,
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  right? Like, you don't have to feed the
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  dog 10 times a day, you don't have to cook Him special food.
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  He's just got to feed him the two times a day that she asks
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  for and then it will be enough. Now there are obviously on both
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  sides. There is the equivalent of
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  people for whom nothing is enough and those people have to
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  work on themselves. So there are people with ocpd
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  that are super anxious and rigid about chores and no amount of
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  you cleaning and organizing would ever be enough and there's
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  also a sex addict. There's also So genuine, sex
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  addicts. Not like, oh my God, my
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  husband's a sex addict, he wants sex twice a week.
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  Not that people who are watching porn multiple hours a day and or
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  obsessed with sex doing new things, constantly groping you
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  constantly. And I mean porn is, is the big
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  one that can show you if it's a sex addict or not, somebody who
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  cannot go a day without porn is a sex addict.
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  The, that's like the truth. You may not like to hear that if
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  you're a man, but he'll you like the rest of the podcast, where
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  your wife was gone. You know, being in treated to
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  take your perspective so if you cannot go one day of your life
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  without porn, that's a problem. Just like not being able to go
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  one day without a drink would be a problem.
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  But the the and it's not because she wanted sex with you either,
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  like if you really need to use poor in every single day of your
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  life, then that is a problem as it would be if you had to do
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  anything. Any addictive thing every single
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  day. But the point is most people are
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  not sex addicts. And most people are not
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  obsessively anxious with ocpd. PD about cleaning, most people,
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  there is an enough, the really is, but you just haven't gotten
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  to it. So, it's very honestly,
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  self-congratulatory. And self-aggrandizing to tell
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  yourself, oh, it would never be enough for my spouse.
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  They would always have another standard only in rare cases.
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  Is this actually true? Usually, you just haven't gotten
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  to enough movie like an average woman, going to modeling
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  competition, not winning and being like there was no amount
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  of hot I could have been Yeah, there was you know you're just
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  wearing it you know or a man doing a triathlon be like you
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  know there was no amount of fast I could have been.
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  Yes there was. You know, of course there was so
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  let's be real and the point is there isn't enough for most
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  healthy people anybody within the first standard deviation
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  from the mean, of whatever variable and that's likely where
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  you are statistically and your spouse.
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  So just try to get It's so much that they calm down and then
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  really see. And if there's no, MM, if there
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  truly is, no amount of physical touch, that would ever make your
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  husband happy, then he had some preoccupied attachment, possibly
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  sex addiction things, and he's got to look at himself but
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  that's going to go a lot different when you go to a
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  therapist and you say we have sex five times a week, I kiss
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  and hug him all the time and he still wants more man.
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  That therapist going to be on your side, baby.
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  The trust me on that now that the therapist get on the side
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  but you You see my point the therapist would be like well yes
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  that's certainly does seem like, you know, and active sex life
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  and so you know maybe we need to explore other issues, right?
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  Because you will in fact be doing enough.
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  Just like when I'm in session with people and the woman
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  sometimes he's like oh he doesn't do anything around the
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  house and I'm like, alright, what does he do around the
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  house? And they both say, oh, he does
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  bedtime bath time, cooking cleaning, he picks him up from
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  school, he drops the ball. If he does this, he does that.
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  He does the other. You do.
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  You know I'm like But he is doing stuff around the house
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  sounds like he's doing more than you are, so it can't really be
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  the issue. Can it?
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  And of course, it's always a deeper issue, often rooted an
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  insecure attachment. So anyhow, take this as your pep
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  talk to try to actually do what your spouse actually wanted
• 15:04
  actually give enough. And in honestly, in a best-case
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  scenario, your marriage will improve dramatically in a
• 15:10
  worst-case scenario. You will be your it will still
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  not be enough but that's not actually a worst-case scenario
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  because Then you really have a leg to stand on with couples
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  counseling and getting at the root of the deeper issue.
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  Because if you are giving your husband, this wonderful intimate
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  touching life and if you can't do that, by the way, if the idea
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  of being a person who's open to touch more consistently, makes
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  you angry closed off scared, then then it's likely that there
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  are things going on with you, in terms of fear of intimacy and
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  that needs to be worked on, but if you can really open your
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  heart up and get there and then your partner still says, it's
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  not enough. Well then Shit.
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  You know, there's other things to work on, all right, and I
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  hope y'all got something out of this and I'll talk to you soon.