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What Keeps You From Changing? · The Expert Method

• speaker-0: We would rather pick familiar hell over unfamiliar heaven. We try to change everything immediately, but actually our nervous system does not feel safe with that. speaker-1: What is there to learn in those low moments? speaker-0: It is very difficult to start being authentic because we have our own limitations that keeps us from telling ourselves the real honest truth. speaker-1: Today's guest is Karen Volitska. Karen is a life coach and an author of The Dear Me Letters. After working a prestigious job at the European Central Bank for a few years, she realized that this was not the life that she wanted. So she made a shift. She started a business to help people understand how their nervous system, emotions, and habits shape the way that they live and change, and guide people through reconnecting with themselves and living a life that they love. In our conversation, we talk about why knowing what you want to change is often not enough to actually change it, and how regulating your nervous system, taking smaller steps, and being more compassionate with yourself can help you build a change that lasts. If you get value from this conversation, be sure to subscribe and share it with a friend. And now please enjoy my conversation with Karen Velitska. Karen Velitska, thank you so much for being here. speaker-0: Thank you so much for inviting me. I'm really happy to have this conversation with you. speaker-1: Absolutely. Me too. I'm looking forward to it. So, Karen, anybody who has embarked on a self-improvement or business improvement journey will recognize the idea that it's two completely different things to recognize and understand what you want to change and the changes that you want to make in yourself or the things that you want to go and accomplish or improve in yourself or in your business. And then actually making that change happen. Right. There's a big gap between understanding what you want to change and actually making that change happen. So why is it so hard to make a change? speaker-0: That's such a beautiful question. And I have actually been searching for the answer myself for quite some years. And what I have found is that very often we might understand things rationally, but actually we also need to bring the emotions into the questions and the body itself. And very often when we go towards the change, we already want to do big leap. We want to have a big change to change from one day to the other. And it is also because we want to have big loud change that can be celebrated and also validated. But instead, what we need to focus on is to create small consistent steps that are on daily basis, that are so small that it is not too difficult to do, so that you can keep this consistency. So it's really building the consistency towards it and also bringing the body into the discussion, which means that we actually need to start using some tools to connect and to be able to process the emotions so that when the fear comes, we can actually sit with it, process it and let it go. speaker-1: Yeah, I can relate to that idea. It's like, I'm gonna transform myself overnight or in in this next month I'm gonna be a different man. so I can definitely relate to that idea of trying to do way too much at one time. And you know, it sounds like what you're recommending is break it down into smaller things. Don't try and do too much at a time at once. Break it down into small things that you can do consistently, because doing something consistently over time is really what's required to make any kind of lasting change. And you brought up an interesting idea that rhymes with a lot of the conversations that I've had recently on the podcast, which is the emotions and your body. So, like what role does emotions and your body play in making a change? speaker-0: Well, mainly we have been using our logical mind in order to make change. But what we need to understand is that we need to feel safe in our body to go towards this change. And there is even this saying that we would rather pick familiar hell over unfamiliar heaven, which means that we would rather keep choosing something that is familiar, choose something that we know. rather than go towards something new, even though we know it's healthier or it's better for us. That's the connotation that our body has, that the safety is in the familiarity. And that's why we need to start creating these small changes to go towards this new journey. And then it compounds. And that's why bringing the body into the discussion, feeling the safety in the body is the first step. And we very often say this, but then The question is how to do it, right? And that's another question well that we can also speak about, but it's really important to keep the safety for the body. speaker-1: Yeah. And that makes sense because a previous guest brought up the idea that, you know, your emotions and a lot of the natural things that just exist in your body or, you know, in your system that makes up who you are is designed to to keep you safe. And, you know, you live your life, you develop these habits, right? But you are doing things like you know it's safe, right? Because you've been doing it. Right. So the unfamiliar or the new things, your body, your emotions, your natural emotional reaction is gonna be like, that's un that's unfamiliar. We're gonna be averse to that because it might not be safe. So by kind of almost exposing your system to some of these smaller exposures to these new things, can kind of train it to understand, like, okay, this is this is safe and your body will almost accept it more. Is that directionally correct? speaker-0: It is exactly like what you're saying that we want to make our body feel safe in the decisions that we are making, and we can do so by compounding these smaller habits. So every time we start, we do need to start small because that consistency can actually keep compounding, and then we can go towards bigger change. But it is basically teaching our body, our nervous system, that I can keep my own. promises and it I am safe with myself and within my own body. And that's the reason why we want to create those smaller steps because as it compounds, we gain more trust towards ourselves. And that's how we can start shifting things. speaker-1: Yeah. So I don't know, maybe this is the cultural bias of, you know, manliness and but like when we when we talk about the idea of like the body and feeling safe, to me like I don't know, that doesn't feel very manly. And but I just beyond that even it's like I don't really I can't fully picture and understand and recognize exactly what you mean when you say like the body's reaction or feeling safe. So I guess maybe exploring the flip side of, you know, what does a body your body rejecting an idea or rejecting a change or feeling unsafe? Like how does that materialize or how does that show up for somebody when they're trying to make a change? speaker-0: Thank you very much for asking this question and for being also so open about it that it feels like it's something far away from being comfortable. And you know, we feel very often this restriction towards change. And that is already something that maybe we don't have to talk about it as body, but as nervous system. So what I mean by the body is the connection to our nervous system and working actually with. our fight or flight system, frozen or dissociated system. So maybe this could language could be something that feels a little bit more comfortable. And when I talk about the nervous system work, it's really about tuning into our nervous system and seeing where we are right now. Because it depends in which state I am currently in. And based on that my reactions are being shaped. So when we are in fight or flight, we are much more reactive. When we are frozen or dissociated, we need more isolation and detachment. And only when we are regulated and connected to our body can we actually come from a grounded place. And that's what I mean with the connection that our nervous system is something that we can connect to, we can listen to, we can regulate and based on that show up in our authenticity. speaker-1: Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Yeah, this I love this is why I love this podcast. I get to be exposed to these new ideas like this. So you talk about, you know, being able to regulate, connect to, listen to, be aware of the nervous system. How do we do that? Like, how do we like I'm trying to think right now, like, I don't think I've ever heard my nervous system before. So, like, what is that? How does that show up? Or like, how do we become more aware of our nervous system? Which then I would imagine is like the first step of being able to You know, control it might be the r the wrong word, but maybe adjust based on how it's feeling. speaker-0: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, so it's beautiful what you're mentioning. And indeed the first step is to become aware that there is my nervous system and all these different states. And the best way would be to start tuning into all these different states of our nervous system, which is fight or flight, dissociated or grounded place. The best way to start becoming aware is to see how much I have the need to Control how much I'm speaker-1: I think that was kind of where I was going is like, okay, the nervous system, like being aware of your nervous system is almost like the automatic response that you're like the automatic emotion that comes to you when you think about an idea of like changing something or doing something different. It's like the emotional reaction. So then a lot of times when we're going to do something different, like for example, one thing that you know, something that I want to do, like I'm trying to build a new habit of writing every day, of writing for 15 minutes. And I have not been very good at doing this. I have I have this habit tracker in my journal, right? And like you check these boxes for every day that you do a new habit. And we're it's July 27th and we're recording this. So we're near the end of the month. I've done it three times so far this month. So and I noticed that like when I have this plan of doing something new, of making some change. Like when I'm thinking about the idea of sitting down to write, there's a lot of automatic Like there's like a feeling that comes to me, it's like, I don't wanna do that. I don't know how to do that. Like, I'm just gonna avoid that. So that's almost how the nervous system shows up is like those automatic responses or those feelings that you have about doing a certain thing. Is that right? speaker-0: So with this, what you are mentioning right now is when we try to make a change, we need to create smallest little steps that are possible so that we can start doing it without any effort. And when we talk about the nervous system itself and how how we can actually start to become aware of our nervous system is to first of all see that we have these states and how what does it mean. So for example, when we are in fight or flight, it means that I am much more frustrated and I have higher reaction state. So it's more about learning what the each state of it means. And when we want to begin connecting to our nervous system, it's basically tuning in and seeing, am I in reaction right now? Am I reacting to certain situations? From which place am I showing up? And when we have we have actually re-regulated or dysregulated nervous system, when it is regulated, we can actually share directly from our heart, be authentic, and actually think before we speak. When we are in the dysregulated system, we are going towards our coping mechanisms. We are falling back to something that is more maybe unhealthy type of behavior, but it's something that is known. So it's much more reactive. I am reacting even sometimes against myself. So what we can see is that I know better than this, but I cannot help myself to do any different right now. speaker-1: Got it. Yeah. Okay. This makes a lot of sense. So the idea of, you know, the nervous system can I almost like when it's dysregulated, it can hijack the rational thinking, the rational thoughts that we have. so really the critical first step or one of the critical pieces of being able to affect change in your life is moving from this state of dysregulated nervous system to regulating, like being able to regulate your nervous system. And I would imagine that's like a muscle, like anything else, right? Like any skill It's like a muscle that you can build and get better at over time of moving from dysregulated and regulating your nervous system. So how does one do that? How does one regulate how do you regulate your nervous system? speaker-0: There are many different tools out there right now. One of the few is journaling, meditation, breath work, and body work. And they're really it's up to you what suits you best. What I have found that works best for me is the breath work in connection with meditation. So it's really up to each and everybody what suits the body the best or the person and their nervous system the best. What I have found is that. First, in order to regulate our nervous system, we do need to discharge and create this activation in our body. And that can be done in many different ways. It's movement, it can be through yoga, through running, through weightlifting. So there are many different ways how we can activate the body because the in order to create movement, we need to start to move. And then we always need to bring it back. Into the grounded type of state to ground ourselves in our nervous system to make our system feel that it's safe to go towards this activation where I can discharge the stress or the emotions and then ground myself in this place. And that's why it's actually good to have yoga before the meditation or some type of activation and then go towards silencing the mind. So there are really many different tools that we can use. There are also affirmations in order to create more positive thinking. So it's really there are many tools, but first and foremost it's about becoming aware of the state of the nervous system. speaker-1: Yeah. That makes sense. And it sounds like you're right, there are there are so many different tools that could fall into this, but it's almost like the sequence is some kind of movement, right? Activation, right? Whether that's a walk, whether that's yoga, whether that's a workout, whether that's, you know, doing twenty-five push-ups, like whatever it is, some kind of movement and then moving into some kind of grounding practice, which is it sounds like the grounding practices like meditation, journaling, breath work, affirmations, body work, like those things just kind of reconnect you. Like grounding, when I hear grounding, I'm thinking like, I gotta take my socks off and go stand in the grass, right? Which is probably one of those things that can definitely do that. But it's almost just like reconnecting you and bringing you back in tune f with, you know, your body. Like what I've found in my experience with meditation is an intentional practice of bringing the subconscious, like just bringing the subconscious things that you don't even think about into awareness, right? It's just like Noticing and becoming aware when the brain or when the thoughts are just kind of running rampant and just becoming more aware of what's happening in this moment. So that grounding practice can just be anything that kind of reconnects you into the present and brings you back to this moment. Because then only from that state can you have the awareness to recognize the the state of the nervous system and kind of move from that dysregulated into an intentional regulation, which will then allow you to take that. Next action. Is that kinda right? speaker-0: That's exactly right. And I love what you mentioned with the grounding that it does not mean that you have to go out without the socks. It means much more tuning into the senses. So I'm tuning into my body senses. What is how do I feel? What about the touch, smell? What am I seeing? So it's orientation in the in the room. So what I'm trying to do with grounding is actually come to the present moment. So I'm not going back to the past. Or I don't have any anxiety or overthinking over the future. So grounding in the sense is coming into the present moment and being okay with being with myself and having that to be enough. Because very often when we meditate, when we are in silence, when we are in present moment, we are kind of escaping those moments and thinking that we are not enough. So that's why I need to busy myself with work. That's why I need to constantly be in movement. Instead of being in silence and being in the grounded place. speaker-1: Yeah. That idea hits pretty close to home, you know, getting okay with yourself and feeling like you're enough is a pretty scary idea because I feel like it's almost like a paradox of some sort where it's like, maybe this is this is a pretty complicated question. How do you strike the balance between being okay with yourself and being comfortable, coming to the present moment and being able to sit in silence and be comfortable with yourself? with the idea of like this recognition that you want to make some kind of change. So you want to make a change, even though like you're comfortable with yourself with who you are, yet you also want to make a change. So I guess maybe the first place to start in exploring this idea. is I don't know, this is a hard question, but like how do you get comfortable with yourself? Like this idea of like, okay, I'm enough, like does that mean that you're saying to yourself, everything's fine, like I'm doing great? Like what is the idea of thinking that you're sel that you're enough and being okay and comfortable with yourself? Like what does that look like? speaker-0: Yeah. What I have found in my journey is actually finding the compassion towards myself first. And we don't want to try to create a story around it. So if I do feel I am not enough, I don't think it's right to start to convince myself I am enough. I need to start looking at my limitations and contradictions and restrictions. Why is it that I already have this belief and having a lot of compassion on my journey? Creating those small promises so that I can create that trust within me and celebrate myself on every step of the journey, having a very, very positive way of talking to myself. And it is very often that we want to go towards the next level. And what we need to do is actually first create the The new pillar, which means create the new visions, start creating those that new life. So stacking up those new habits and only then start actually kind of knocking the old reality down. So we don't want to directly jump from I have this limiting belief about myself and I need to fix it. It's more okay, what does it mean? How can I start becoming compassionate with myself in order to peel off these layers to see? what's actually hiding behind it. And that's what I believe that these limitations, one once we start going down this journey, they're gonna present themselves to us. And when we regulate our nervous system, we can actually go deeper in understanding what is behind and how I can actually clear it. So there are many different tools. There is also the possibility of therapy coaching and having other people help us on the journey. But the best way what we can do for ourselves is becoming compassionate with ourselves, to learning to trust our ourselves, being in the safety of our own nervous system. speaker-1: Yeah. So being compassionate with ourselves doesn't mean that we're gonna pretend like everything's okay and that we're great, right? It's almost just like a reframing of the things that we want to change from like these are weights that are gonna keep me down that I'm gonna keep, you know, flogging myself over and just like gonna just get so stuck on and just like, you know, again, a very buzzwordy term is like that negative self-talk of like Man, I always struggle with this. Like, I'm never going to be in it. But it's almost like being compassionate with yourself is a reframing of these things that you're struggling with, I guess, is almost opportunities to improve, I guess. Is that is that kind of right? Like the being compassionate with yourself is just like being okay, recognizing that you're a everybody's always a work in progress, right? Like taking this standard down, this expectation that you need to be perfect, that everything needs to be figured out, and seeing the changes that you wanna make in a more productive through a more productive lens of like, these are things that are weighing me down. No, these are like opportunities that I can make to to improve moving forward. speaker-0: Yes. Yes, that's that's a beautiful way to put it. And I also feel like we are very often already doing a lot of change, but we are not really giving ourselves the credit for it because we want to have those changes to be immediate, those changes to be big. And what we need to do is realize, okay, what is realistic, what is already enough as a change, and how can I keep stacking that up. Because we try to change everything immediately, but actually our nervous system does not feel safe with that. So that's what I'm why I say we need to do consistent steps. And yeah, so that's why I would say that the change is difficult and we need to find the compassion, which means that I can already give myself the credit and pat myself on the back for the smallest of changes. And if I keep being consistent for a week, how can I reward myself? How can I thank myself? How can I celebrate myself? Because very often we go towards punishment instead of reward. Very often I scold myself if I miss one day instead of thanking myself for showing up every single day. So that's how how can we go from punishment based type of thinking into reward type of thinking? speaker-1: Hmm. Yeah. That sounds just being nicer to yourself. And that's definitely something that I struggle with. It's pretty easy for me to just fall into a a really bad loop of just, you know, thinking really down on myself. And it can be hard to get out of those loops sometimes. Like especially when, you know, a lot of the people listening will r resonate with this idea of When you're starting a thing like a business or you know, whenever you're embarking on building anything or making any kind of change in your life, it's an emotional roller coaster, like especially in building a business. Like you'll bounce from the highest of highs, like I'm the best, nobody can stop me. I'm gonna take over the world, to like who the hell am I to think I can do anything? Like just full like imposter syndrome. So it's just such an emotional roller coaster and it can be really hard when you're in those down loops, those down spirals of, you know, maybe you've had a bad week or a bad couple of weeks as far as like, you know, you're not getting the things done that you say you're going to get done. Or, you know, you're just not performing the way that you want, right? You've set out that you're going to do all these things and you just are falling short and things aren't going the way that you had planned. Is there like a an emergency SOS like pull this lever in case of emergency, in case of downward spiral kind of protocol that you have for guess like what would you Say to the person, aka myself, when I need to watch this again in a month and a half, when I'm in kind of a a downward loop. Like what do you say to that person who's kind of in that down moment, they're down on themselves? Like what do you what do you recommend that somebody does when they're in that situation? speaker-0: Yeah. That's such a beautiful question. Thank you for asking that because we all as especially as you said, when we are at the beginning of building a business that is such a vulnerable place as well, because there is so much fear of the unknown, there is so much uncertainty, and we don't really know how to get things done in the most productive way as we wish for them to become. And what I would say is always looking Back towards what we have already accomplished, because very often we are setting these high expectations of ourselves. And what I have really found on my own journey is that I don't see what I have already done and I don't give myself the credit for it. Because one thing is tangible change. But then we also need to bring the nervous system and the intangible change into the question that we can set up. Things that are productive, that are tangible, that we can work on. And that there is a certain plan, but we also need to bring into the discussion the emotional part and the part where I am working on myself. It requires a lot of energy, a lot of my own effort. And when I do want to do that, when I w do want to go on this journey, I need to have some safety net of falling onto what I know and who I can reach out to. So For me, the way I have my own safety net setup is to have my own practices. So having a breathwork practice to start changing this dissociated state or this loop where I don't know how else to move on, we always need to bring in movement because when we are frozen, when we are kind of collapsed and in a place I don't know how to move forward. We need to have a certain type of routine that can get us out of that place. So, how can we move? How can we break the cycle of being dissociated, of being detached and wanting to hide, wanting to isolate? How can I break that pattern with just the smallest step possible? And already becoming aware that I am in such a state can already start helping me shift it. And yeah, so having a routine that I can fall back on having s these movements, having meditation practices. For example, have a therapist, a coach, somebody that I can reach out to so that when I am in this type of state, I can get myself out. But it's always about also being compassionate, as I mentioned, that it's already sometimes enough knowing I am in such a state and allowing it. So this was a big change in my own life that sometimes I don't even need to fix. Being in this state, sometimes it's okay to just be aware. Okay, currently I am frozen, currently I am collapsed, and I can allow myself for one day to do so, but then I need to be accountable for myself. How do I get back on track and how do I regulate the nervous system? I can go for a yoga class, I can go and speak to some of my friends or therapists or somebody. So there are many different ways how we can do so. And the compassion comes that it's okay to also fall back and collapse and get frozen because this is a huge shift, not only in creating the business, but also changing my own nervous system, changing my state. Changing is a huge thing. Life transitions are a huge thing. So how can I see that I am doing a work that is also intangible? There is also work on my own emotions and expanding my own capacity. Because when we create a business, it's not only the things that we create physically, but we are also need to expand our own nervous system in order to get further. speaker-1: Yeah. In those low moments, is there something to learn? Like is there something to learn in those low moments? Like is our body trying to tell us something, our nervous system trying to tell us something? Like what is there to learn in those low moments? speaker-0: Well, I believe it depends on the low moments and what they how they are shaped. I believe there is something to learn in every single moment. And very often in those low moments also the biggest clarity can come. Because when we are in the darkness, not knowing how to navigate it, that's when the light can come. That's how I love like to view it. And for example, that's exactly how I created my my book that I have actually put out this year. where I was in such dark moments that I didn't know how to navigate, but actually becoming authentic about it, that I am in a low moment, I am at my rock bottom, I don't know how to move forward, and accepting and becoming aware I don't know how to move forward, that acceptance can already help us to start shifting it and start creating something from that place. So I do believe that these type of moments can actually shape us. Because I am proving to myself I am capable of standing up from this low moment. I am capable of being an adult and being responsible for myself. I am capable of having difficult moments and actually moving forward nevertheless. speaker-1: Hell yeah. Yeah. Seeing those low moments as an opportunity to, you know, prove it to yourself that you can survive this and you can move forward. You can come out of the other side better than you were before. And, you know, I would also imagine that there's things that you can learn, some that I haven't intentionally done, but in those lower moments, just taking some time, creating some space to, you know, kind of investigate and get curious about what got me here. Right. Like kind of what What was I doing that led me here? And then trying to just take note of that and trying to prevent doing that again in the future. But if you would, I would love to hear a little bit more about your story. Right. You talked about you you wrote your book. You talked about your story and something that you went through. So if you could, could you share us share with us a little bit about your story and what you went through? speaker-0: Was in a very good place from the external viewpoint. I was working for a very good company. I was working for the European Central Bank, which is an institution which is very validated in my circles, in my country. And I was in a place where externally I I had a lot of success, but internally I was really struggling, which is what led me to have be on this journey in the first place. And actually what I have found is that I had success without the internal fulfillment. And that is what I'm also currently focusing on to closing the gap. Because that that's what I'm also guiding the other people thro through. Because we can be so successful, but if our heart is not in it, we will always feel like there is something missing. And so I have started To go to therapy, started all this self-development, learning all these different tools. And thankfully, I did find myself, but it was a tough journey to get there. And that's why I really understand what you are mentioning, these down places, these rock bottoms. And I have found myself in those moments. And I believe what gets us there is this finally allowing ourselves to accept that. This is not the way how I want to live my life. And when I was in these spaces of being in the void, as I call it, I finally was able to shift something. I was like, this cannot go any longer. What else can I do? What what else can I shift and change? And so I started to have a look at what I can do in my life, what is in my control, what are the small steps that I can go towards that can actually get me towards my future. That's why I was talking about giving ourselves the credit before, because now when I read back my journals from three years ago, they were literally describing my life right now. So we are always creating our future. And the thing is that right now I'm creating my future, but I'm not giving the credit to myself at this moment because it's already my standard. But it's something that myself from three years ago was maybe praying for. So, how can I see that? How can I give myself this credit? And and so ever since I started to do that, things started to shift and be started to become less heavy because I started to see the compassion that I'm building myself up. Then I found coaching and I started to shape my purpose, started to understand what it is that I want to create in this life and It was very beautiful, but what was missing for me was the nervous system itself. Because very often I understood things rationally, I understood my emotions, I understood where I want to get to, my dreams, my visions, but I couldn't really understand why I know where I want to go, but I struggle to change. And it was because I was constantly working with without my nervous system, which means that now When I see it, I can let go of the stress, I can let go of the emotions. And instead I can I can let it go and it creates the capacity in me that I can now embark on this new journey. And even if the fear comes, I can breathe through it. So that's the kind of journey I have been on. And I love it. And I started started to combine coaching and breath work because I believe that we can have build the vision through coaching. But we always need the nervous system as a support and through it we can expand the capacity. So that's what I've been focusing on and it's been really rewarding and at the same time very challenging because as you mentioned, we it's a roller coaster. So I'm very grateful for the journey and I'm really curious what's gonna be next. speaker-1: Yeah. Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that. And there's a lot that we could dive into in that. But if I could just try and repeat back to you what I heard and what I took from that is this idea that externally you looked s very successful. You had a great job. You're probably making good money. You had the status that came from having a good job and money. But internally, successful without internal fulfillment. Right, which is a I think a lot of an idea and a state that many of us can can relate to. Then you talked about the idea of you had this low moment and then you had to get clarity on what you wanted, right? What did you want? And that would be an idea that I would love to to dive deeper into. So for you, when you were going through that process of like, okay, I know I need to make a change. I don't want just external success and just feel like hell, like I'm living through hell. Like just feel so disconnected from myself. So when you're in that moment, how do you find what you actually want, right? It sounds like you worked with the coach. What did that process that they facilitated you through to help kind of uncover and discover what you wanted, right? That goal that you had for yourself. And then, you know, obviously once you get clarity on what you want, then you have to go through the journey of making the change because unless you're living your dream life already, going and creating something that you want is obviously going to require change, which we can use everything that we've talked about so far and how to regulate the nervous system and and be aware of the nervous system and understand the role that it plays in affecting the change that you want en route to what you want. But what did that process look for you? Like obviously you're in that moment. You know you want to make a change. You're not exactly sure what it is that you're building towards. you know, three years ago you would have dreamed for the life that you're living now. So how did you find what you what you wanted? speaker-0: Say first it's about becoming honest to ourselves. It is the first step because I have seen in my own journey that I was lying to myself because I could not accept that I could be wrong, that other people could actually. I was being in this victim mode. And I was either being a victim or I was being the savior, and I was not really. aware how to just be myself and what does it mean. And this is what I have found that it is very difficult to start being authentic because we have our own limitations that keeps us for from telling ourselves the real honest truth. Because then we also have to admit that sometimes we are wrong, sometimes we are being the victim. And how can we actually take the responsibility for our life? and being in our own power in order to be authentic, in order to go towards all these beautiful dreams that we have. I would start with with authenticity, because without it we cannot really work on anything else. And it also means being authentic about the fact that, for example, I didn't like my job. I love the company, I love the environment, but I had to become very honest, I don't like the job, I don't like certain parts about me. And it was a very tough way to begin because I really had to sit with myself and see where am I people pleasing, where am I overgiving, and where am I trying to get validation instead of being authentic about it. And it also comes with sometimes losing friend groups or friends or people in our life. And it also means learning to say no. And sometimes it also feels like going against the social rules because we are taught to be polite, we are taught to belong and not really fulfill our own needs, but putting somebody else's needs in front of us. So that's why I say, like, how can we become so honest to ourselves that we can actually start hearing what we are saying, start being in our authenticity? And there are many ways how to do that. I believe the best way is journaling because through that you can reflect, you can see it on paper, you can see, you can give yourself the right questions in order to go deeper on that. And then it's a it's a huge process. It's not gonna be from one day to the other, but it is about becoming authentic to ourselves, starting to trust ourselves and learning how to say no, learning how to show up for ourselves. So It's a big journey and yeah, I I really think it's it's very important to get there though. speaker-1: It's most important journey of our lives, right? Finding that authentic version of who we are. Because I think authenticity is a prerequisite to finding what you want, right? Like you need to be authentically who you are before you can hear that version of yourself, which will then be able to kind of show you this authentic me wants that, right? And then you're right. It's it's a it's a long journey of then. Building that trust in yourself, building that compassion with yourself to find that authentic version of you and kind of unpacking a lot of this subconscious baggage that you pick up through society and modern culture and you know, these things that society and culture emphasize so much that you just kind of pick up subconsciously is like, these are the things that I should optimize for, these are the things that I should value, right? Money, the good job, you know, the nice apartment, like whatever, right? Like these things that so it's like it's an unpacking. And then it's a search to try and find who you are authentically, which can be very uncomfortable. And it can sound very like touchy-feely, like mushy, but it really is there. That authentic you is in there. And once you get to that place, it sounds like what you want will just be an intu like an intuition, or you'll almost be able to just kind of hear it, feel it, see it naturally. And then once you find that, once you can kind of hear that. the most important work of your life then begins, which is making the change to make that speaker-0: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I want to say here one more thing, which is that it's not really about finding our purpose, but remembering our purpose. Because I believe that we already know what we love, we already know where our passion lies. But we have been taught not to go towards that because very often it does not make sense. It's not rational. It's something that the society tells you this is not where the money is. Go towards something that is maybe more sustainable. So that's why it requires rapid authenticity to see where the passion is, what do I really want to do? And it's a beautiful place to get to. speaker-1: Yeah. What do you think are the things that get in the way of us being our authentic self? speaker-0: I believe it is our need to belong, our need to be liked, and it also comes from a family setting where I believe we were vigilant to what is accepted in the family, also what is accepted in the schooling system, what is accepted in the peer groups. So we are social creatures. We always want to belong. And anything that threatens that is something that we learn not to go towards. So that's why I believe that that many of these limiting beliefs are actually coming from the family system and the cultural background. That's why it's so difficult to break it because it's a we need to go deep in our healing of going back in the journey of where it does it really come from. But the moment we can let it go and just accept it and reframe it for ourselves, it's I think that's a huge win. speaker-1: Yeah. And there's a whole conversation to be had about how we can build a system or a family system or a cultural system that can foster that authenticity and encourage that authenticity. Cause I don't think obviously the current system, the current setup is is not that way. Right. We can that's a whole other conversation about how like what the current societal culture systems and cultural systems were really designed to create within the individual, which is really good workers like on an assembly line, the people that just don't really think about trying to find who they are authentically. Whatever. That's my conspiratorial side. And then the so yeah, there's a whole other conversation to be had about like, okay, what would the new version of that cultural system look like that would foster and, you know, almost incubate the authenticity, the unique authenticity, the inherently unique authenticity within every individual and help them to find that, connect with that, and then create that within their own life, which I think would be A really beautiful world, but Karen, I have two final questions for you, one final kind of like complicated one. But you talked about the idea that in your story you recognize that you were having external success without internal fulfillment. And this is an idea that we've explored in a lot of conversations recently, this idea of fulfillment. So what do you believe are the ingredients of fulfillment. Like how do you like what how does fulfillment show up? Like what are the ingredients of fulfillment in your opinion? speaker-0: In order to have fulfillment, we need to come into the alignment between what is going on internally within us and also what we how we are showing up externally, how we are also showing up in our friends' groups, what are we speaking about, and how can we actually align it with what is going on internally. And once we get to that place of authenticity, that I can actually express myself freely, I can actually show up as who I am. That is already creating this alignment and then finding those passions, seeing what it is that I truly like, and how can I create that in the world? Because these days we are following the structures and following the rules. And how can we actually give ourselves the permission to show up as ourselves in the way that really is in accordance to who we are? So I also like to say it's about creating. the statement of who I am. So who am I truly? Can I see that in authentic way? Can I be honest to myself? And then can I create that and make this statement of who I am to the external world? speaker-1: Yeah. Well said. And I think then stepping into that alignment of who you are authentically and aligning who you are internally with how you show up externally. And then using those authentic gifts that we each have to make a contribution to others, right? In service of other people, I think is where fulfillment can come from. Like one of the ideas from an earlier conversation, we explore this idea that okay, if optimizing everything in your life For money and making the most money possible is something that can kind of take you off course and take you out of alignment with who you are and leave you without fulfillment. Then what is the thing that you can optimize for that will lead you more in alignment with who you are and and lead you to fulfillment? Like what is that new metric instead of dollars? It's X. Like what is it? And it's, you know, like how many people have you served? Like how many people have you helped? Like what contribute like that kind of idea feels closer. So it's fulfillment comes from finding who you are. Finding that authentic you, taking the steps to create that, right? And live more in alignment with who you are authentically internally, with how you show up externally, and then using your unique gifts to make contributions and s in service of others. So I love that. That'll be an idea that we continue to explore because I think it's another really important idea. But Karen, thank you so much for this. I really enjoyed our conversation. I have one final question for you, but before we get to that, how can people find you? speaker-0: They can see my website. it is my surname, my name.com, so velitskakarin.com. And they can also reach out to me via LinkedIn. I have also a blog on subsex. So everything is set up on my website and I would be very happy to to hear from you if anything resonated. Thank you very much for asking. speaker-1: Yeah, we'll have the links to everything in the description. So if the conversation, like Karen said, resonated with you and you want to have a deeper conversation where you explore this and you can kinda h get help personalizing this to to your situation, definitely get in get in touch with Karen. So Karen, thank you for that. My final question for you is a recurring question that I ask every guest. but if you had a giant billboard that everyone in the world could see for ten seconds with like one message to the world, what would it say and why? speaker-0: believe I would go towards the nervous system because it is something that I really see as the biggest shift. So it would probably be connected to regulate your nervous system. It changes lives. speaker-1: Nice. I love it. Yeah. And I think that would be important because, you know, when we opened this conversation and when I was doing the the stalking of you to prepare for this interview, I that idea was completely new to me. This idea of like nervous system regulation. Yeah, sure. It it had been things that I had heard in the past, it but it just seemed like a buzzword and it was really hard to make tangible, like what does that really mean? But after a further discussion with you, I can absolutely recognize why that's so important. So Regulate your nervous system, it changes lives. I love it. Karen, thank you so much. speaker-0: Thank you so much for having me. speaker-1: Thank you for listening. My main takeaway from my conversation with Karen is the idea that change gets a lot easier when you stop trying to just brute force your way through making it happen. Right. I tend to think that once I know what I need to do, it's just sheer force and energy and willpower that will get me through to the finish line. And I rarely historically have taken into account the you know, person in the process and, you know, the fact that my person is made up of emotions and feelings. Historically, I've really tried to Quell that and pretend like it doesn't exist, but where has that gotten me? Right. It's having some more compassion for yourself and recognizing that there's a person involved in this process, and that person is me, and my person is made up of a lot more than just doing work. So taking smaller steps, giving myself room and building trust with myself over time instead of just beating myself up every single time I fall short is a much more sustainable. Path to achieving the things that I want to achieve in my life. And that reimagination or that new perspective on myself can help me to see what I actually want a lot clearer. So thank you for that, Karen. If you want to get connected with Karen, you can find her links in the description of this episode. And if you're an author, course creator, or coach and you want to make it easier for your clients to engage with your ideas and get results, I put a free resource in the description that will help you build more execution support inside your program. Without taking up more of your time. Thank you all for listening, and I'll see you in the next one.