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I’m Fine - The Lie We Learned to Survive With! · Back Porch Confessions

• Gravesb41: Hey, are you ready to glow like the queen you are? Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, Well, due to bad weather, inclement conditions around the North Carolina area, my internet decided to shut off right in the middle of me talking. So here I am with part two of this. ⁓ I'm not really sure exactly where the other part left off other than we were at the emotional vulnerability conflict situation, which is where the internal battle between wanting connection and fearing emotional exposure lays. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Hey everybody, how are you? I'm gonna do some batch recordings so you may see me in the same outfit. I am getting down to the nitty gritty of getting packed up and getting moved to our new home. As long as the good Lord is willing and the creeks don't rise. So welcome in today. I'm gonna be talking about... Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. 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From full body waxing to lash and brow laminations, Michaela's got the magic touch to keep you looking snatched and stress free. Self care isn't selfish y'all, it's essential. Call her today or even text 336-529-1666. That's 336-529-1666 and let your skin Um, I really raw conversation that I have encountered with myself and several people in my life on a routine basis. And it kind of got me to thinking about it lately. And I want to talk about why we say I am fine when we're not. Um, so welcome to back porch confessions. Uh, the porch is where we have healing. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. or lies. ⁓ that as humans, we desperately want to be understood. It's just human nature. We want people to understand us. ⁓ Understanding creates a feeling of love, worth, value. ⁓ But traumatized humans also fear being fully seen. So why is that? Why do we fear being seen? What's going to happen if we are? Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. and thank you later. and it gets honest, trauma gets unpacked, and sometimes we laugh through the pain because Lord knows crying all day is just flipping exhausting. I mean, for me. I sometimes just get tired of my own BS to be honest with you. So as you all know, I am Barbara, Back porch Confessions is the name of this page. It is also the name of my TikTok page. So make sure you check me out there. And today we are talking about one of the biggest lies there's that armor thing with the cracks and stuff I was talking about already. It's because past experiences have taught the I'm fine person that vulnerability leads to pain, that honesty leads to rejection, and that emotions become weapons. They're used against us. And unfortunately, there are some crappy people in this world that you open up to. most people tell us every single day. Now, and that is, I'm fine. Now let's be honest. Some of y'all said it today already. How many of you have already said, I'm good, I'm okay, I'm just tired, I'm all right. that you become vulnerable to will turn around and use that stuff against you. So it becomes a weapon. It's used against you. It's awful. There's a special place in Hades for them. Some people, they really want love. They want it badly, they want love. But they fear, trust even more. And that's a deep subject in and of itself. proverbial, I'm fine. Meanwhile, internally, your system, the nervous system is going on the fritz. ⁓ It sounds like a smoke detector going off that needs batteries. And that is so annoying, but here we ignore and ignore our own batteries all the time. And what's wild about it is sometimes It's sad if you think about it. So healing begins with truth. So you have to have what's called emotional honesty. It is something that you can create and obtain generally through having therapy sessions. ⁓ Emotional honesty is acknowledging and expressing authentic emotions without minimizing or denying them. So it's acknowledging and expressing authentic emotions without minimizing. When somebody notices we aren't okay, we get defensive. We snap, we shut down, we avoid, and we change the subject, or we deflect and gaslight people. Why? Why do we do that? Why do humans fight so hard to protect pain? We secretly wish somebody would notice. or denying them. It's hard to do if you've spent an entire life doing it that way. Healing starts with one terrifying sentence at a time. What do you think that sentence is? That's what we're talking about today. Why do we say, I'm fine when we're not? Got my doggos around me. Max in my lap, Maggie on her pillow. So I'm gonna jump right into kind of understanding where the origin of... I'll give you a moment to think on it. What do you think that sentence is? it is I am not okay not that I am fine I am not okay ⁓ the why, the emotional hiding, where that emotional hiding begins. ⁓ The I'm fine is actually an emotional protection. Most people don't even know that. We don't even realize it. First off, it's not really talked about. But you know me, back porch is the taboo conversations that people don't talk about. I'm gonna bring up conversations that's probably gonna step on a few people's toes today. And that's okay. Jelly Roll's song is running through my head. ⁓ You cannot heal pain. You refuse to acknowledge. that stings. You cannot heal pain you refuse to acknowledge. You can't. You just won't. You can pretend. You can have that emotional performance all you want. But unless you put it out there, learn to trust your own emotions. When I was writing this up, it stepped on my toes. So I'm going to have to learn to step back and put myself in check. So I'm not sitting here preaching at something that I'm not well aware of that I do myself. So emotional protection, what is it? It's a defense mechanism where people hide emotions to avoid things like rejection, conflict, shame, abandonment, ⁓ judgment, and or even vulnerability. You'll never heal. When people suppress emotions long term, those emotions often turn up in situations like ⁓ emotional numbing. People do things to out. ⁓ It shows up in things that I've already mentioned numerous times like anxiety, depression, ⁓ burnout, anger, ⁓ panic. because somewhere along the line, we learned to avoid those things ⁓ and to be safe. we would just say, I'm Because they tried to be heard and they were shut down. People don't usually start life emotionally shut down. We don't. It is something that we've learned and that we're taught growing up. No child comes into this world saying, I shall suppress all of my emotions forever. All of those things, all of the same things, it shows up in those same ways. The truth hurts before it heals. Hear that? The truth hurts before it heals. Learning emotional safety. Emotional safety is what? It's feeling secure enough to express your emotions honestly without fear of shame. No, we don't come out of the womb saying that. We don't even know what it is. We want that emotional connection with somebody. Not shut it down, but we're taught somewhere to shut it down. It felt safer. So that gets learned. And for many people, I'm Fine became a survival language. punishment, rejection, abandonment. That's what emotional safety is. So here's a little kicker on that. If you got a group of people that are a bunch of I'm fine people, And I would say for me, it definitely is a survival language. For some of my closest friends, same thing. ⁓ But why? Why do people say I'm fine when they're absolutely not? Because somewhere along the way, being emotionally honest stopped feeling safe. and one of them states something and the other one takes it and it becomes something that it's not what this other person was meaning. And then the I'm fine person over here says, well, this is how I feel about it, about what you said. And then it becomes a whole bunch of emotionally wounded people, but everybody's feeling rejected. when children or adults repeatedly experience, because it may not have happened in your childhood, have been teen years, could have been mid-teen years, young adult, whatever. It doesn't have to happen as a child, because somewhere along the way, a repeated experience of criticism, emotional neglect, dismissal, chaos, abandonment, unpredictability, fiery attitudes, And the whole situation turns into a big pile of crap. So it's difficult when you have a room full of un-fine people to navigate those waters, to be able to sit back and say, okay, this is what happened. This is what transpired. This is why you felt that way. You felt that way and you felt that way. people that were emotionally unavailable, which kind of goes along with the emotional neglect, the nervous system learns to adapt. And it learns that showing emotions creates discomfort. Being vulnerable creates pain. Needing people gets me hurt. So eventually, people stop expressing. and to have each and every one of those people listen and hear what you're saying. It's practically impossible. So each one of those I'm fine people are gonna have to be emotionally open enough to hear what the other one is saying and understand. Okay, yes, by you saying that, yes, it kind of hurt my feelings, made me feel this way. But I understand why you couldn't do whatever it was that you couldn't do. They stop saying what they need to say. They stop showing up in the relationships. They stop being who they really need to be, authentic and vulnerable in a relationship with someone because somewhere along the line, not the person that they're doing this to now most often, but somewhere along the line, someone has taught them to suppress their emotions, to be the un-fine girl or guy. ⁓ and then everybody being okay. But in that situation, it doesn't typically turn out that way. Typically, everybody walks around with a chip on their shoulder after that, and the whole situation is either swept underneath the carpet or someone just says they're sorry and moves on, and the whole thing just kind of goes away. It's never resolved. The emotions are all still there. And the negative connotation or feelings that you have for the other I'm fine people in your room, you end up in that process of the other person that's sitting in your world that is not the one created the I find in you. They're struggling. Sometimes they're gonna get frustrated with you. Sometimes they're gonna get mad at you. Sometimes they're just gonna put their wall up and go, you go be fine somewhere else then because I emotionally don't have the time to deal with you right now. And that's cold to this person over here, to the I'm fine person over here. leaving. You'll leave the room. You don't want to associate with them because now they're messy. ⁓ I didn't feel safe there. Well, the problem is nobody felt safe. Nobody felt safe in sharing those emotions because each emotion for each person got turned into something it wasn't because of the defensive mechanisms of everybody in that I'm fine world. How do you resolve that? That's just another sign that they're right and they're justified and not expressing because this person over here is an asshole, blah, blah, blah. So then you get that indifference that creates in a relationship. And this is why a lot of times you will see friendships, marriages, ⁓ sibling relationships, whatever ship you're on, will oftentimes separate and go down different forks in life. Just because they don't even know what's going on in this dynamic. You have to have adult conversation. You have to not be angry. You have to stop deflecting. No gaslighting. No turning things around. You have to actually emotionally be open and available to listen to everybody. And everybody has to have equal a part of listening emotionally to how something made someone feel in that group. And there has to be a group The stable one over here doesn't know the I'm fine one over here really needs them to see them, even though they're pushing back and saying they don't want you to. You have to stay strong. This person needs somebody that's going to push back and continue to show the love and support and the care. effort of love and care that comes out of that situation. So for some people, I'm fine really means, please don't ask deeper. What that means is they don't want to talk about what's really going on with them. Will they eventually maybe, depending on how safe they feel with you. ⁓ It really means I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes they don't even know why they're feeling the way they feel. or that whole situation will fall apart, I guarantee it. So many people have learned. emotional safeties is just survival. And that's sad. It's so sad. When people grow up that way, emotionally unsafe. your system is just going to stay guarded. All people in that room, that system was guarded. ⁓ Again, most of us don't even know why we're saying I'm fine or that we're stuck in that survival mode, emotional suppression. ⁓ Sometimes people are scared they'll cry and they're ashamed in crying for some reason. Along the way somewhere someone has told them that there's shame in crying. So they're afraid they'll cry. I don't trust being vulnerable. They have this deep fear. Some with just not enough emotional bandwidth to ⁓ take on the defensive person's side of things. It's just a whole shit show. It just becomes a whole shit show. So in that situation, things that are gonna be struggled with when you're in the I'm fine world is you're gonna struggle with that trust and vulnerability, receiving love, asking for help in the situation, helping to understand instead of deflecting. that if they are vulnerable because when they have been, they've been shut down. So if I trust being vulnerable, you're probably going to hurt me and out of emotional protection, I'm not going there. There has to be emotional openness. When you don't have emotional openness and you're not willing to hear, really hear what the other person is saying, you will twist it into something that it's not. And then a wall gets built. Another piece of armor comes on. Another layer. Because that's the easiest way for you to deal with the information. And then you have parts of them, the I am fine people, who don't want to be a burden. They don't want to burden anybody with their emotions that they don't know how to explain because they've spent an entirety suppressing it. How many people listening right now, any of my followers, how many of you listening right now grew up feeling like emotions were inconvenient? If you're a Gen Xer or before, Baby Boomer, we know emotions were inconvenient. You weren't allowed to have them. We were taught at a very young age to be seen and not heard. I'm gonna give you something to cry for. than it is for you to actually process and have open emotional safety with the group of people. And every single I'm fine person in that group has to have the same mindset. You all have to approach it with emotional openness. That comes with partners, that comes with friends, that comes with siblings, that comes with parents, that comes with grandparents. Any ship that you're on, if you have a group of I'm fine people, how many people learn to cry quietly? I still do. Unless I am so angry, I'm angry, shaking body crying. And then you might see me cry or something may get me a little emotional if I'm trying to explain something that I've gotten brave enough to not be ⁓ protecting myself and open up and be vulnerable. ⁓ But more often than not, I cry in the shower. I'm the I'm fine person. I'm the I'm fine girl. Emotional openness has to happen. Trust has to happen. Emotional safety has to be there. or won't work. So that, I guess the end of this, and I'm sorry that it got broke up. and I know it. hope maybe some of this has helped people to understand or realize that you've spent your whole life. Emotional dismissal, I'm going to go back to something I kind of already brought up a little bit. Emotional dismissal as a child. ⁓ During childhood, this happens when emotions are ignored, ⁓ mocked, minimized, punished, or even invalidated. ⁓ being I'm fine. because nobody ever taught you. how to safely say, I'm hurting. I can remember throughout my entire childhood. All of those things happened from different people in my life. No, as I always say, you are not weak. because life affected you. You are not dramatic because your heart hurts. and being mocked, especially if you had shown any kind of emotions at school with the kids. You are not broken because you learned survival. No, you were labeled a crybaby if you showed any emotions at school. You got up, brushed yourself off, you held your head high and you walked forward. No matter how much you were breaking on the inside, because you could not crack in front of them. It's not allowed. You could not crack in front of that family member that mocked you, that ignored you, that minimized your feelings, ⁓ invalidated you when you tried to express something. But survival is not the same thing as living. Survival is not the same thing as living. And maybe, I don't know, maybe the bravest thing you'll ever do for yourself is to finally stop saying, I'm fine. when your soul is begging to be heard. and sometimes even punished you. Well, you keep crying and we'll give you something to actually cry for. How many of you have heard that? How many times in your lifetime have you heard that? I know I sure have. So there, well, this, this is where a lot of emotional suppression begins. It's when kids hear things like the stop crying. because it is. hope this kind of helped people. I genuinely know. that the I'm fine girls in my life. There's a lot of love, generally a lot of emotional safety, but sometimes not. Sometimes some of us are deeply wounded about something. to toughen up. You're all right. Get up. Brush it off. You'll be okay. You're too sensitive. Oh gosh. Every time I turn around, you're crying about something. You're just such a crybaby. What is wrong with you? You're so dramatic. Blah, blah, blah. I don't even know if that was a word back in Gen X days. I don't think I've ever heard my mother say dramatic anyway, but you all know what I mean. So you're too sensitive. You're dramatic. You'll be fine. And we end up cutting other people that are in our life. And we don't mean to. and when they're wounded by our cut. we become more defensive because... admitting. that we have hurt somebody is not something the I'm fine person is capable of doing. You'll be fine. Get up. Quit all that crying. There's no time for any of that. Other people have it worse. What are you so upset about? You could be such and such. Look how rough they've got it in life. You've got more than anybody could ask for. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Invalidating your feelings. Invalidating how you're feeling. Shutting me down. Ignoring you. Mocking you. Punishing you. All of it. Not readily. So we retreat. We deflect. and we continue on our survival path if I'm fine. instead of having that emotional breakdown and openness with the people around us. What happens is kids, slowly stop trusting their emotions. You stop trusting your emotions because you have all these mixed signals. Like you know you're supposed to be able to say something, but your surroundings don't allow it. You don't feel safe. So what happens? Naturally, as humans, we learn to shut it down. There's so many people that walk this earth that is stuck with the I'm fine survival mode their entire lives. And as they age, they end up finding themselves completely alone because they have managed to push every single person out of their life because their reaction was defense and anger instead of finding safety and trust. So the why behind some of it. ⁓ Humans, as humans, we are wired for emotional connection. They couldn't bring themselves to do it. They didn't know. They had no idea what they were doing. And it's sad. It's sad because when I see people... I know I love emotional connection, ⁓ but in some places in my life, I am very cautious. ⁓ So when emotions are repeatedly gone unmet, the brain starts to like adapt for survival instead of like connection. So the brain is going, okay. that have spent the rest of their lives as an old spinster or an old man, the old cat lady, the old grumpy old man on the porch. Yeah, those were emotionally mistreated, unsafe people, and they never learned how to process emotion. They only learned to deflect and be angry. I can't connect in this way because that's unsafe. That triggers something in this other person and then it makes them snap or it makes them punish me or it makes them say that I could have it worse or whatever, all the things that we were told. So I need to shut that down. And so our adapt is to suppress, push everything down. Don't have those conversations. Be the good little boy or girl who's just quiet and and that's how they live the world. And I want to change that one person at a time. I don't want to be that person. I want to fix my I'm fine. Do you? I hope you do. This has been Backport's Confessions. Where healing gets honest, truth gets spoken, and nobody pretends they're okay just to feel loved. It's not what I want here. If this episode has touched you in some way, share it with somebody. Instead of being emotionally safe, we jumped straight into survival mode as a kid. How sad is that? You know, when I got into all this schooling for the therapy and going through these things and learning all the things that I've learned, some things, you know, I get refreshers on routinely. If you're listening on Spotify, it helps me if you give a five star review. It just, it's just made me sad so many times when I think of all the times that I could have just been human. But the world around me didn't allow me to do that. And sometimes that hurts. Sometimes that makes me cry in the shower. Share it out. Leave me a review. Leave me a comment. Send me an email. Backportsconfections.gml.com. Easy peasy. Anyway. Share it with the people that you know always say I'm fine. And maybe check on the strong friend too. Thank you very much. Make sure you're listening to my commercials. Make sure you're checking out Little Butterfly, Our Way Skin, Polished Boutique, and me, Renewed Mind Counseling. I do virtual appointments. If you want to get to the deeper side of your whys on the I'm fine. a child who feels emotionally unseen often becomes one, ⁓ as an adult who struggles to express emotions, ⁓ struggles to ask for help, struggles to trust people. And the obvious one struggles to feel emotionally safe in any relationship they're in. Let's chat. Let's talk. It's $60 an appointment for one hour. It's about a co-payment if you use insurance. Anyway, thank you guys very much. I'm gonna record some more. Have a great day. I hope you enjoyed this one. I hope you got something out of it. And I love you all. Thank you very much. It's going to take a lot for that child to have that connection, to have that feeling. ⁓ I know there are some people that I trust so I can read situations and then there are some people I just absolutely know. It takes me a while to trust people. So while the people who were raised to not process emotions, because their parents didn't process and their grandparents didn't process and their grandparents didn't process and their parents didn't process and you know, the whole line goes back. We were all raised to survive the emotions. Just survive them, not express them. and society wonders why adults are emotionally unavailable? Really? I mean that's just one that makes my mouth go a gap and I'm just like how can you wonder that? Of course we are emotionally suppressed. Of course we are what some people call emotionally constipated. Like look what we went through and they went through in the generational circles of this BS over and over. ⁓ Yeah, this society wonders why. Well, let's get to talking about it. Maybe we'll understand and be able to heal and actually be freaking human beings that have emotions and not make fun of the ones that do. Don't get me wrong. Some people are extremely dramatic. I love my voice, but they are very much drama queens. My girls are strong. Oh, but the boys, not so much. God love them. So why do we get defensive though? when someone notices we aren't fine, where does that come from? Why is that something that is even in the equation? Well, defensiveness is a protective emotional reaction. Makes sense, right? So it's triggered by vulnerability, shame, fear, or even emotional exposure. ⁓ So when someone sees that and they can see through your tough exterior, it can raise a fear in you that you don't even know how to process. You're like, ⁓ my gosh, this person can call me out and see exactly what chittery I got going on right now because I'm being an asshat. ⁓ Not intentionally, but because that's what you've taught and what you've learned. ⁓ So that part right there for me, that's really deep. ⁓ Why do people get mad when somebody notices they're hurting? That's deep for me. That question is deep. Here's the thing, and this is the part that nobody thinks about. Because when pain is hidden that long, it becomes what? It's your identity. It becomes who you are. Everything about you, it becomes part of your identity. And when someone sees that, it's scary. So if you're somebody who spent years convincing the world that you're okay. The person that's got the observation that can see through that tough exterior, that threatens the emotional armor holding you together. And when that person can see through that for you and they can pierce that armor, most people do not know how to handle that. Most people will push those people away. Most people will find a way to some kind of way to push them away in either kind of some kind of ugly sense or they'll just retract, retreat and disappear. And that that relationship will just separate. just separate, are there relationships that you thought you had that were great and all of a sudden you're just like, you didn't understand why one day they were just slipping away from you. Why, what did I do? Did I do something wrong? No, most likely not. Most likely you saw through their armor and that scared the heck out of them. So what do they do? They retreat to their safe little spot. all by themselves, away from the person that can see their armor. Yeah. So. some of the things that we say to the person that has that armor. You don't seem okay. Are you all right? Sure you're fine. ⁓ What the person that's not fine, that's that I'm fine girl, what they're hearing is, ⁓ my mask is slit. people can see through the cracks of my exterior. I'm losing control. I'm losing control. Someone is starting to get to know me. Somebody is identifying with me. Somebody is understanding. And one of the bigger ones that generally creates someone to run for the hills to that retreat. I've been exposed. I've been exposed. Someone knows something deeper about me and that scares the bajibis out of you. out of the on-line person. That's a lot of times where that defensiveness comes out. ⁓ So trauma survivors often associate emotional exposure with danger. I'm gonna say that again, because it has to make sense to anybody that's been following me long enough. Trauma survivors oftentimes associate emotional exposure, exposure to danger. So even a loving, caring, concerned friend, partner, whatever, can trigger anger, shutdown, irritability, avoidance, panic, ⁓ all out warfare sometimes. The daggers will start coming from that I am person and they will emotionally gaslight. the other person and turn it around on them. They don't mean to. They don't even know they're doing it. It's purely out of fear of exposure due to some kind of crack and they are not going to show any kind of vulnerability or any kind of anything that's going to be attached to any of it because that is a deep rooted fear. and that's gonna piss them off. Sometimes anger is just vulnerability wearing combat boots. That's it. They're in their armor and the angry response is just them staying in their combat boots, staying in their armor, it's their protection. the strong friend, the silent friend, the silent suffering. ⁓ So there's this thing called like a strong friend ⁓ phenomenon. And what is that? What do I mean when I say that? It describes people who emotionally support everyone else while neglecting their own needs. I'm sure that a few people have popped up in your head. with me saying that. It's the person who's always filling everybody else's needs. The go-to person that doesn't fill their own. Can we talk a little bit about that strong friend? Well, I'm not giving you a choice. You're on the back porch. I make the rules. I'm gonna go right into it. The therapist friend. I'm sorry, I just had to throw that one in there. The fixer, the caretaker, the one that everybody calls when the world's going upside down, everything's become a crisis, ⁓ the immediate ⁓ emotional crash. But when they hurt, they disappear quietly. The strong people often believe their worth comes from being dependable. So vulnerability feels uncomfortable. Makes sense, right? Why don't we ever think about it that way, though? So what they fear in that process is burdening others. I've already talked about that earlier. Disappointing people. ⁓ Looking weak. Like being abandoned, being opened up, vulnerable, ⁓ losing respect in some way. So instead of saying I'm drowning. You're going to hear them say, I got it. I'm fine. I can handle this. I don't need anybody's help. Just give me my time. just need my space. I just need to handle this alone. How many strong friends are listening right now? How many of you identify as that strong friend? I know a few of my besties are. I definitely know that that falls in line with me. ⁓ How many of you are exhausted? I am. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired of this selling house crap. I'm tired. I'm just tired. ⁓ but I'm still helping everybody else because that's who I am. That's how I thrive. That's how I feel like a human is by helping other people. It's, it's my passion. It's what I do. So that being layered on top of already being the I'm fine person. It goes super deep for me. And for the other people that are just I'm fine people and they're not really fixers. It goes deep for you too, but in a different type of way. ⁓ The strongest people are often the most emotionally neglected. I'm going to say that again, just in case the people in the back didn't hear it and they got someone in their life that they need to show a little more support for. The strongest people are often the most emotionally neglected. So that goes from that to leading into what's called like a high functioning depression, silent pain per se. ⁓ What is high functioning depression? Well that happens when someone continually on a daily kind of basis. How do I say it? You continue on a daily basis with your daily normal routines and responsibilities while you are internally struggling emotionally. You're stuck in survival mode. So high functioning depression happens when someone continues in a daily responsibilities while internally falling apart, internally combusting, internally struggling emotionally. One of the biggest lies society tells us is, if they're functioning, they must be okay. No ma'am, no ham and no gravy, that's my bestie Tina would say. No ma'am, no ham and a no gravy. It does not mean they're okay. It does not mean I'm okay. It does not mean she's okay. It does not mean he's okay. But society has taught us that if somebody is upright and moving, they're okay. Not always. They still have bills, children, responsibilities, jobs, careers that they're taking on and doing, schooling. ⁓ People are depending on them, all around them. So they compartmentalize their pain. You learn to compartmentalize your pain. I'm stuttering on that word, y'all. They smile in public. while falling apart privately. Do you identify with that? Is that you? Do you do that? Again, I've already said it in here a couple of times. That's exactly what I do. ⁓ How many people here that are listening have cried in the shower so nobody hears? That is my go-to place to cry. That or in my car. Yup, it's the safest place for me. How many of you smiled at work or whatever it is you do with your day with the people around you while emotionally breaking inside? Some of us, a lot of us, especially Gen Xers, baby boomers. We're just surviving. We're not actually living. We're surviving. That one hurts to even say because I've spent so many years surviving my life that I'm now 53 over half of my life is gone and I've spent it surviving and not just living. I found myself at this age chasing peace. not survival. I say the things that are to hurt. I do the things that are uncomfortable. I try not to be stuck in survival mode. But here's what happens to those of us who do remain in survival mode. We become or we end up with emotional exhaustion. I bet that word even just rings in your ear and you're like, yes, amen, sister, amen, emotional exhaustion. You got it. You nailed it. Yes, that's me. Emotional exhaustion. is it? Is the state of feeling mentally, emotionally and physically drained due to prolonged stress or emotional suppression. Drained due to prolonged stress or emotional suppression. That's what emotional exhaustion is. And I can guarantee almost everybody listening to this has some form of it in some way. You know what happens when people carry pain too long? ⁓ the body starts screaming what the mouth refuses to say. autoimmune disorders, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, deep depression, ⁓ defensiveness, deflecting. I mean, I could go on and on and on, but it's gonna show up in the ways. that your mouth won't say. It's gonna eat you from the inside out. suppressed emotions and hear me do not disappear suppressed emotions do not disappear they build They built. They built that armor. They built it. And eventually they show up as things like anxiety, burnout, panic attacks, numbness, irritability, insomnia, depression. So many people that follow me talk about all of these things. They were just talking yesterday about how they can't sleep. emotional suppression creates insomnia and I bet you didn't even realize that. Most of us kind of get that it does the depression and anxiety and things like that. But insomnia? Numbness? Burnout? Yup. Read the Burnout Bitch book. Very good. Right now we are on the... ⁓ What's the word I'm looking for? The next book. Anyway, it's the next book after it. The reinvented bitch or the regulated bitch. Took me a minute. Sorry about the bad words, but that's the name of the book. ⁓ So as you all know, as I've spoke before many times, our body keeps the receipts your mind tries to ignore. And we know it. It shows up in our life. It shows up in my body. I'm a walking dictionary of how the body can show up. for the crappery that I went through in my life, the Hades that I've been through, the emotional suppression that I have created from just trying to survive. So. some of us go into a different, and I'm gonna kind of veer off here a little bit because. One of my children definitely the other three kind of have aspects of it, but we go into this people pleasing as a trauma response. ⁓ So what is people pleasing? It's a coping mechanism, truly, where people prioritize others comfort over their own emotional needs. So you prioritize others comfortability over your own emotional needs. That's people pleasing. You're do for others what you didn't even do for yourself. And you know, people pleasing sometimes it's not even, it's not even always about kindness. It's not that they're always kind. It's sometimes that they, they just let someone do something and they don't say anything about it and they just get quiet. They slip back into that survival mode. So sometimes people pleasing is, is, is just survival mode. It's just survival. Many people learned that at an early, well they learned early in childhood that conflict felt unsafe. So what happens when conflict feels unsafe? ⁓ When we're in that, we have this thing called hypervigilance. We become hyper aware of everybody else's emotions. People-closers are highly in tuned to the rooms usually. They're in tune to people's emotions. ⁓ but yet disconnected from their own. They couldn't even tell you if they felt emotional about something, because a lot of them are walking around just numb. don't have any reaction or emotion to things. They're just indifferent about their own things, but completely emotionally involved in somebody else's because their armor is up and it's protecting them. But they want to help somebody else. That's the fixers, the caretakers, the people pleasers. So they learned if everybody around me is okay, then maybe I'll be safe too. if I am taking care of everybody around me like they're my little babies. then they're not gonna come at me. They're not gonna attack me. I'm gonna be safe. I'm not gonna be vulnerable. They're not gonna see that I'm emotionally falling apart on the inside. How many of you are going, holy moly, that's exactly what I do. I take care of everybody around me. I change their diapers, I give them their bottles, and they are treated just like babies, even if they're 50 years old. because that means I'm going to be safe if they have value in me. They're not going to question my emotions. Because who runs around taking care of people like that if they're not emotionally stable? Y'all know. Yeah, most people that are running around taking care of you, you know, those amazing nurses. They're falling apart on the inside. And don't even know it most often because they don't know how to identify their emotions. some people became or become who everybody needs or what everybody needs. while needing someone too. but yet those people. are the ones that we think are high, ⁓ are functioning adults and they're fine. We don't stop to see if someone's okay. We don't stop to check in with people. We don't stop to give them a safe space. How many of you apologize for crying? I have. I have on my lives. I'm sorry I'm crying. Why? How many people feel guilty for asking for help? ⁓ I do, if with my own husband. I have the hardest time asking him for help. And then I get really pissy when he tries to just help without asking. And then he just creates a bigger mess in my mind. And then I get snippy and defensive and mad. And then it just becomes a whole crap show. And when I say my husband and I do not play well in the sandbox, that's exactly why. Because he wants to just take over and do, and I don't want him to do that. I'm a strong independent person. I don't need him to do everything for me. ⁓ yes, it's a whole thing I'm going to have to go down. And there's probably a nother rabbit hole I'll go down with. one day, anyway, I know why we don't play well in the sandbox. We just got work on it. I gotta do a lot of work on it. He has to hear what I'm saying. Emotional masking. That's kind of what I'm talking about. Emotional masking is hiding real emotions behind humor, productivity, fake positivity, and even for a lot of us, emotional performance. How many times have you been in a situation, if you are one of the unfund persons that I'm talking about, humans, people, how many times have you been in a situation, we were kind of talking about it yesterday and I'm like, oh yeah, this movie, I was told I would cry. I don't really cry at those things. You don't have those emotions when you think you should and everybody else is crying, but you're just sitting there going, I don't know why they're So you get the feeling that you should probably be feeling what they're feeling. So you try to feel it and you try to get emotional and you do this emotional performance. But you're numb and you don't know why you're doing it. You're doing it to people, please, to emotionally mask that you have no feelings, that you're numb. Not that you don't have any feelings, but you you're numb to certain things, showing emotions when you're an I'm fine person. ⁓ And you have to emotionally show up in places that you're not used to doing that. It's a performance. It's a performance when you do it more often than not. Sometimes it can be genuine, but more often than not, it's a performance. Some people smile because they are happy, and some people smile because it hides the pain. Do you? Do you smile because it hides the pain? Do you smile because it keeps people from asking? Are you okay? people mask because vulnerability feels dangerous. probably gonna say this a hundred times on here. They fear judgment, pity, rejection, emotional exposure. It's all wound up in all of it. So they become emotionally presentable instead of emotionally honest. I got a few more in there going, ooh. Ooh. I really hope this is making you all think. Put your butt in check. The funniest person in the room is not always okay. The strongest person in the room is not always okay. The loudest person in the room is generally most almost assuredly not okay. ⁓ So here's the thing, you can only fake being okay for so long before your body starts to reveal the truth. You can only fake it for so long before your body starts to reveal the truth. All my autoimmune started showing up because I've been surviving my entire life. Now my body is showing my truth. I can't hide it. So why do we crave being seen, but fear being known? Hmm. Let me ask that again. Why do we crave being seen, but fear being known? emotional vulnerability conflict. is the internal battle between wanting connection and fearing emotional exposure. Wanting connection, but fearing emotional exposure. Humans desperately want to be understood. I'm hoping this is still recording. But traumatized humans also fear being fully seen. What does that mean? Because past experiences taught them what? Vulnerability leads to pain. Honesty leads to rejection. Emotions become weapons.