Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 282. Fight or flight in my own house, walking on egg shells with my step daughter: When does it get easier?

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282. Fight or flight in my own house, walking on egg shells with my step daughter: When does it get easier? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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1:14
Speaker 1: Yes. All right. Tiana, what do we got today? What's
1:15
Speaker 1: the title? And do you want to read it out?
1:17
Speaker 2: The title of this one is Fight or Flight in
1:20
Speaker 2: My Own House. Walking on eggshells with my stepdaughter. When
1:23
Speaker 2: does it get easier?
1:24
Speaker 1: Oh, stepdaughter. Okay.
1:26
Speaker 2: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. When we first met,
1:47
Speaker 2: got serious, the ex was awful. Creating fake Facebook accounts
1:51
Speaker 2: to message me horrid things, sending me emails to my
1:53
Speaker 2: partner saying awful things about me. Not that she had
1:56
Speaker 2: even met me or knew anything about me. She was
1:59
Speaker 2: telling her daughter lies and awful things so that when
2:01
Speaker 2: she came to our house, it would create tension and issues. Example,
2:04
Speaker 2: telling the daughter, Daddy loves his new girlfriend more than you.
2:08
Speaker 2: Saying I knew Daddy before Mummy and Daddy broke up.
2:11
Speaker 2: Telling the daughter, she's not your mum. You don't need
2:13
Speaker 2: to listen to her. Don't talk to her or have
2:15
Speaker 2: anything to do with her. I honestly could go on
2:18
Speaker 2: and on with examples of parental mind games that she
2:20
Speaker 2: is playing with her daughter. It is really awful and
2:23
Speaker 2: has massively affected this poor little girl's mental well-being and
2:27
Speaker 2: mine and her relationship. Now to jump seven years ahead,
2:31
Speaker 2: nothing has changed. My fiancé and his ex-wife co-parent, so terrible.
2:36
Speaker 2: They can't stand each other. My partner won't and hasn't
2:39
Speaker 2: addressed any of the manipulation from his ex in years.
2:42
Speaker 2: My partner and I have two young boys together. I'm
2:44
Speaker 2: a great mom and I put everything into my boys,
2:47
Speaker 2: being awesome human beings. I am stuck. I feel miserable.
2:51
Speaker 2: We have 50-50 custody of my stepdaughter, who I help
2:54
Speaker 2: my partner fight for, costing thousands of dollars. I am
2:58
Speaker 2: me and happy when my stepdaughter isn't around.
3:01
Speaker 1: Life is easy.
3:02
Speaker 2: My house is chill, happy and thriving. But when my
3:05
Speaker 2: stepdaughter comes, I'm treated like an evil stepmom, which I'm
3:08
Speaker 2: absolutely not. I get ignored, she refuses to talk to
3:11
Speaker 2: me and my boys, who adore her, and then when
3:13
Speaker 2: dad comes home, she will try to play happy family
3:15
Speaker 2: and be nice to everyone and make an effort with
3:17
Speaker 2: the boys, but not me. I am a stay-at-home mom
3:20
Speaker 2: to my boys, so around my stepdaughter a lot as
3:22
Speaker 2: I do drop-offs and pick-ups from school. My partner works hard,
3:25
Speaker 2: has a successful career, but works Monday to Friday. When
3:29
Speaker 2: I got into this relationship with him, I honestly thought
3:31
Speaker 2: the ex-wife would back off and move on, but she's
3:33
Speaker 2: still single, living in the old family home, just her
3:36
Speaker 2: and her daughter 50% of the time. I had so
3:39
Speaker 2: much hope that life would get easier and that she
3:41
Speaker 2: would stop poisoning her daughter against me, but it's getting
3:43
Speaker 2: harder and harder. I love that little girl so much,
3:46
Speaker 2: but I've endured endless amounts of drama because of her
3:49
Speaker 2: mum's manipulation, which is now massively affecting my feelings towards
3:52
Speaker 2: my stepdaughter. I really can't do this forever. I live
3:55
Speaker 2: in fight or flight 24-7. I get anxious, I can't sleep,
3:59
Speaker 2: and when it's change every day to come to our house,
4:01
Speaker 2: as if I don't know I'm already going to be
4:03
Speaker 2: ignored and have a horrible note thrown at me by
4:05
Speaker 2: my stepdaughter. Or, even worse, she will lock herself in
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Speaker 2: her room and try not to hang out with me
4:10
Speaker 2: and my boys until dad gets home. It's truly heartbreaking
4:13
Speaker 2: and sad. Girls, what do I do? I want to
4:16
Speaker 2: be happy, and I've tried talking to her therapist and
4:19
Speaker 2: having my own. But I tried pouring more into my
4:21
Speaker 2: relationship with my stepdaughter, but it just gets me absolutely nowhere.
4:26
Speaker 2: Once she goes back to her mum's, she's manipulated again,
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Speaker 2: and then I start back at square one. I understand
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Speaker 2: this is awful and sad for my stepdaughter, and I
4:34
Speaker 2: don't blame her. If I was a little girl and
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Speaker 2: my mum told me that somebody was awful, I would
4:39
Speaker 2: believe them too. I just don't know what to do.
4:41
Speaker 2: I love my partner and I love my boys and
4:44
Speaker 2: I want to love my whole life and not just
4:46
Speaker 2: half of it.
4:47
Speaker 1: Help. Gosh. Goodness. Before we get into any of it,
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Speaker 1: I don't know if you listened to our episode with
4:54
Speaker 1: our guest, Chris, on. I'm just going to get up
4:56
Speaker 1: her Instagram. Okay. On Instagram, she is called the step-parent coach.
5:00
Speaker 1: She literally- coaches women and men like you in a
5:05
Speaker 1: situation exactly what you're in and coaches you how to
5:08
Speaker 1: manage and how to deal with this. So, like, I
5:09
Speaker 1: don't feel qualified to give advice on this. I've never
5:12
Speaker 1: been in your situation. I can't even begin to imagine
5:15
Speaker 1: how difficult that would be because, God, my heart breaks
5:17
Speaker 1: for the little girl too. We know kids are little sponges.
5:19
Speaker 2: Yeah.
5:20
Speaker 1: And they're also, like, trying to keep the peace and
5:22
Speaker 1: they want to, like, keep mum happy and then keep
5:25
Speaker 1: dad happy and she wants to still be seen as
5:27
Speaker 1: the good girl, so hence why she changes her behavior
5:29
Speaker 1: when dad gets home. Yeah. She doesn't want to get
5:30
Speaker 1: in trouble. Yeah. But that is so difficult for you.
5:33
Speaker 1: I can't even imagine. If I was you, I would
5:35
Speaker 1: reach straight out to Chris.
5:36
Speaker 2: Yeah.
5:36
Speaker 1: Even if you don't coach with her, I'm not sure
5:39
Speaker 1: on how her coaching works. I think she's booked out
5:40
Speaker 1: actually for a couple of months, but just send her
5:42
Speaker 1: a message. Give her a voice message where you're at.
5:44
Speaker 1: She's a beautiful woman. She is a step-mom also, and
5:47
Speaker 1: I know she's been through a lot of her own journeys,
5:49
Speaker 1: but she has a podcast. Lots of clips on Instagram.
5:51
Speaker 1: I would connect with her and connect with someone who
5:53
Speaker 1: has been through what you've been through and can help
5:55
Speaker 1: you navigate that through. If this was me or Tiana's
5:59
Speaker 1: going through this, I would be having more conversations with
6:02
Speaker 1: my partner. I really feel like this is where he
6:04
Speaker 1: needs to step in and have conversations with the ex
6:08
Speaker 1: or get in a mediator. Something needs to change. And
6:12
Speaker 1: if she's not willing to have conversations and to make
6:15
Speaker 1: changes and I would be bringing outside help in. There
6:18
Speaker 1: has to be something or someone that can help in
6:20
Speaker 1: this situation because I feel like this is a form of,
6:23
Speaker 1: I don't know if this is too far, but a
6:25
Speaker 1: form of emotional abuse to bring a kid in, use
6:28
Speaker 1: the kid as a weapon. Yeah. You're using this daughter
6:31
Speaker 1: and that's going to fuck her up when she's older.
6:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, the kids become collateral.
6:35
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. That's a type of emotional abuse. I'm pretty
6:38
Speaker 1: sure Chris said that.
6:39
Speaker 2: Yeah.
6:39
Speaker 1: In our podcast episode. Yeah.
6:40
Speaker 2: She was incredible to talk to. I think you would
6:42
Speaker 2: really enjoy talking to her and even consuming her content,
6:44
Speaker 2: I think would be helpful for you. Obviously, we can't
6:47
Speaker 2: control people outside of us.
6:49
Speaker 1: No.
6:49
Speaker 2: But what you can control is like, as she said,
6:52
Speaker 2: the conversations that you do have with your partner. Because
6:54
Speaker 2: for me, if I were in your position- I would
6:57
Speaker 2: feel probably really disheartened that my partner wasn't standing up
7:00
Speaker 2: for me.
7:00
Speaker 1: A bit resentful too. And I think every time that
7:02
Speaker 1: we are cracking your relationship.
7:03
Speaker 2: Of course, because with time you're like, well, this thing
7:05
Speaker 2: is happening and somebody is like harming me. And also
7:07
Speaker 2: I get it. He's got high stakes in it. He's
7:10
Speaker 2: probably feeling like, what do I do? Working so hard,
7:13
Speaker 2: she's impossible to deal with.
7:14
Speaker 1: That's right.
7:15
Speaker 2: I don't know how to navigate this situation. He probably
7:17
Speaker 2: is maybe like sweeping things under the rug because it's
7:19
Speaker 2: probably too uncomfortable to look at. But at the end
7:22
Speaker 2: of the day, nothing gets solved if it's swept under
7:24
Speaker 2: the rug. And at the end of the day, if
7:26
Speaker 2: you want a better outcome, it's like these uncomfortable conversations
7:28
Speaker 2: have to be brought to light so that you can
7:30
Speaker 2: actually think and figure out if you guys can find
7:33
Speaker 2: a way through together. I imagine that this is obviously
7:36
Speaker 2: what you want for yourself. You've got a life together.
7:38
Speaker 2: You've got two boys together. It's like coming home and
7:40
Speaker 2: feeling in fight or flight in your own home, I imagine,
7:43
Speaker 2: would be the worst feeling. Absolutely. I'm sure you've probably
7:47
Speaker 2: had many conversations with your partner about this, but maybe
7:50
Speaker 2: this time you could bring it in, in a way
7:53
Speaker 2: of like something needs to change.
7:54
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling. My mental health, I'm not happy. Like
7:58
Speaker 1: I'm really struggling. Another thing I've had another girlfriend do,
8:00
Speaker 1: they went through a divorce. And she actually got a
8:03
Speaker 1: child psychologist that specialised in helping kids navigate the different households. Oh,
8:08
Speaker 1: that's cool. And it could be cool for you two
8:10
Speaker 1: to have sessions, the stepdaughter and you, to have sessions
8:13
Speaker 1: together trying to open up different ways to communicate and
8:15
Speaker 1: different ways to connect. It sounds like she doesn't want
8:17
Speaker 1: to borrow you to talk to you. How does she connect?
8:20
Speaker 1: Does she like barbies? Does she like sport? Does she
8:22
Speaker 1: like ice cream? Like what are ways that you can connect?
8:24
Speaker 1: try to build some type of connection with. And I
8:27
Speaker 1: know it's going to be feeling like you're hitting your
8:29
Speaker 1: head against a brick wall.
8:30
Speaker 2: Of course.
8:30
Speaker 1: But I think with consistency and yeah, you might feel
8:33
Speaker 1: like you make a step forward and then when she
8:34
Speaker 1: goes back to mums, you're taking 10 steps backwards. But
8:37
Speaker 1: I do think with consistency with kids, relationships take time
8:41
Speaker 1: to build. And it's not the same at all. But
8:44
Speaker 1: even watching Tala with new people, like it takes quite
8:46
Speaker 1: a long time before she is accepting of someone new
8:49
Speaker 1: that wants to be around them, that wants to interact,
8:51
Speaker 1: that can open up and be her silly self. Like
8:53
Speaker 1: she's really strange and angel. Like I don't want to
8:55
Speaker 1: shoot anyone. It takes a long time to build a
8:56
Speaker 1: relationship with her. So imagine with your stepdaughter, it's going
9:00
Speaker 1: to be a long time. And if you're choosing to
9:02
Speaker 1: stay with your partner, which I know you love him,
9:03
Speaker 1: you want to stay with him, you've got your boys,
9:04
Speaker 1: you love your life. It's like you're locking in for
9:07
Speaker 1: the long-term game of really committing and you are the
9:09
Speaker 1: adult here so unfortunately you are going to have to
9:11
Speaker 1: leave here with your partner's support. I'm also wondering too,
9:15
Speaker 1: I don't think speaking to this woman on the phone
9:17
Speaker 1: would be any good. She sounds super reactive. Have you
9:20
Speaker 1: tried writing a letter expressing how this is really concerning
9:24
Speaker 1: for your daughter and her mental state and you want
9:27
Speaker 1: her to come and feel good but there's this tension
9:29
Speaker 1: in your guys' relationship and how can we work together?
9:32
Speaker 1: I don't know if she's even be open to this.
9:33
Speaker 1: It sounds like not. Yeah. But I would still want
9:36
Speaker 1: to try every card that I could and know that
9:38
Speaker 1: I've tried every card that I could to help.
9:41
Speaker 2: I think if I were in your position as well,
9:42
Speaker 2: I would want my partner to be the one to
9:44
Speaker 2: have the conversation with her and be like, this is
9:47
Speaker 2: not your responsibility, but I need you to do something here.
9:49
Speaker 2: I need you to step in or talk to the
9:51
Speaker 2: daughter and like start having those consistent conversations with the
9:54
Speaker 2: daughter around not bringing in those things from mom, even though,
9:58
Speaker 2: you know, and starting to question things.
9:59
Speaker 1: Talking to the daughter about it.
10:01
Speaker 3: Yeah. yeah i'm talking to the daughter daddy daughter dates
10:03
Speaker 3: yes i'm going to talk about quality time hey like
10:06
Speaker 3: how are you feeling at home like is this you
10:07
Speaker 3: know what's coming up for you do you genuinely believe
10:09
Speaker 3: this do you think that this person is actually that
10:12
Speaker 3: bad like she's good at home like and starting to
10:14
Speaker 3: question the narrative that the mom is spinning because i
10:17
Speaker 3: know of a friend of a friend who has a
10:19
Speaker 3: similar dynamic where the co-parent is doing the same thing
10:23
Speaker 3: with like emotionally manipulating the children.
10:25
Speaker 2: And creating narratives. And the way that I heard that
10:28
Speaker 2: like the other side and like her family and stuff
10:30
Speaker 2: like that were dealing with it were asking questions. Like
10:33
Speaker 2: whenever the kids would bring something to them and be like, oh,
10:36
Speaker 2: daddy said X, Y, Z about X, Y, Z person,
10:39
Speaker 2: then the parents and the family would be like, okay, well,
10:42
Speaker 2: do you genuinely believe that? Do you feel, how do
10:44
Speaker 2: you feel when you're with those people? Does it feel
10:46
Speaker 2: that way? And like starting to ask questions around it.
10:49
Speaker 2: And again, I'm no expert. I don't have children. So
10:50
Speaker 2: please take this with a grain of salt. But yeah,
10:54
Speaker 2: I think questioning the narrative could be cool because obviously
10:56
Speaker 2: the daughter is what, at 11?
10:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, 11.
11:00
Speaker 2: Allowing her to start to think for herself as well.
11:02
Speaker 1: Exactly, her own opinions.
11:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not saying, oh, this is bad. Mom's wrong, da, da, da.
11:06
Speaker 2: We're not doing that. We're not pointing the finger. You're
11:08
Speaker 2: not trying to create the same thing on both sides,
11:10
Speaker 2: but just like allow the daughter to figure out what
11:13
Speaker 2: she feels on her own and create her own narrative
11:15
Speaker 2: too that feels true for her.
11:17
Speaker 1: And I also like, because Taj is the same age,
11:19
Speaker 1: he's nearly 11. Sometimes when Taj does things, I will
11:23
Speaker 1: say to him, hey, I noticed you did that to
11:25
Speaker 1: your sister, or I noticed you said this to dad.
11:27
Speaker 1: Do you think that was the nicest way to say that?
11:29
Speaker 1: He's going to be like, oh, no, but it was
11:31
Speaker 1: a joke. I'm like, okay, did anyone laugh? Like, did
11:34
Speaker 1: you see dad's reaction? Did you think that was nice?
11:36
Speaker 1: Do you think you could do that better next time?
11:37
Speaker 1: So I wonder if the dad with the daughter was like, hey,
11:39
Speaker 1: I noticed that you ignored I don't know your name. Sorry,
11:41
Speaker 1: but say it's Charlie. I noticed you ignored Charlie when
11:44
Speaker 1: she offered you a drink. If you spoke to me
11:46
Speaker 1: and asked me, Daddy, can I do something? And I
11:48
Speaker 1: just completely ignored you. Do you think that's kind? Because
11:50
Speaker 1: in this house, we have a rule around kindness. We
11:54
Speaker 1: don't ignore each other. Yeah. So, you know, next time
11:57
Speaker 1: when someone talks to you, I want you to have
11:58
Speaker 1: the respect to talk back. And they're at an age
12:00
Speaker 1: where they can understand that. That's right. I have proper
12:04
Speaker 1: adult conversations with him.
12:05
Speaker 2: That's a beautiful perspective. I love that so much because
12:08
Speaker 2: then that ties back into the conversations and getting on
12:10
Speaker 2: the same page with your partner.
12:12
Speaker 1: This house, we do this. That's right.
12:14
Speaker 2: What rules are we going to set in this house
12:16
Speaker 2: of like respect, valuing each other, how we treat and
12:19
Speaker 2: speak to the people that we love and care about?
12:21
Speaker 2: And then if you guys and when you guys are
12:23
Speaker 2: on the same team, it'll be easier for you to
12:25
Speaker 2: both implement that. I imagine that you're scared to impact
12:30
Speaker 2: or scared to push by being an authority figure.
12:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, true.
12:34
Speaker 2: But also by not being an authority figure, you're creating
12:36
Speaker 2: a dynamic where like the child is the leader and
12:39
Speaker 2: the one who has the control as opposed to you.
12:42
Speaker 2: And Chris touched on this actually in.
12:43
Speaker 1: Our last episode.
12:45
Speaker 2: She said literally is like, no, absolutely not in my house. Like,
12:48
Speaker 2: absolutely not. And obviously context is important. So I'm not
12:51
Speaker 2: comparing both your experiences, but I think you will relate
12:53
Speaker 2: to the way that she asserts.
12:55
Speaker 1: Authority in her life. In this house, this is how
12:57
Speaker 1: we treat. I'm not sure what happens in your mom's
12:59
Speaker 1: house and you can do her rules, but in this house,
13:02
Speaker 1: this is how we do things. And she was very
13:04
Speaker 1: straight up from the start with that.
13:05
Speaker 2: If you allow things, children will push. Yeah, absolutely.
13:08
Speaker 1: They test. Everyone tests.
13:10
Speaker 2: We all do it, right? So until you allow yourself
13:12
Speaker 2: to be the authority figure- she's going to continue being it.
13:15
Speaker 2: I agree.
13:16
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. So we hope this helps. More conversations with
13:19
Speaker 1: your partner around how you're actually feeling and how it's
13:22
Speaker 1: impacting you. I would be suggesting daddy-daughter quality time and
13:26
Speaker 1: for him to open up some conversations around how she's feeling,
13:29
Speaker 1: what she believes and questioning like, that wasn't very nice
13:32
Speaker 1: when you did that to Charlie, whatever your name is.
13:35
Speaker 1: If you haven't reached out to the mum, I think
13:37
Speaker 1: it's worth a shot. You might get completely shut down.
13:40
Speaker 1: Following Chris, the step-parent coach, maybe inquiring about getting some
13:44
Speaker 1: support with her or whether it's another child psychologist that
13:46
Speaker 1: deals with this kind of thing. But I would get
13:48
Speaker 1: some outside support for you and for the family dynamic
13:50
Speaker 1: because you're committed to your husband and your family, your boys,
13:53
Speaker 1: and you love your life. You're not looking at leaving.
13:54
Speaker 1: So it's like, okay, we need to do things differently here. Absolutely.
13:58
Speaker 1: I just really hope that your husband's all on board
13:59
Speaker 1: with that. Go back to him with this feedback. That's
14:02
Speaker 1: not to criticize him. It's just suggestions of like how
14:05
Speaker 1: I think we could maybe change things up in the
14:08
Speaker 1: household so I'm not walking on eggshells with your daughter. Yeah.
14:10
Speaker 1: I want her to feel happy here. I want to
14:12
Speaker 1: feel happy here.
14:12
Speaker 2: I want my boys.
14:13
Speaker 1: I want all of us to be connecting and having
14:15
Speaker 1: so much fun. Would you be open to having these
14:18
Speaker 1: conversations with her? Would you be open to me getting
14:20
Speaker 1: some support? Yeah. Yeah.
14:23
Speaker 2: Just addressing that you see that in the long term,
14:25
Speaker 2: you see that this creating big cracks in the relationship
14:27
Speaker 2: and the family unit.
14:28
Speaker 1: You don't want it to impact your boys.
14:29
Speaker 2: You don't want it to get there.
14:30
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's prevention. That's right. Exactly right.
14:33
Speaker 2: Oh, good luck. I'm sorry to hear that this is
14:35
Speaker 2: what you're going through.
14:36
Speaker 1: Sending you so much love. I can't even begin to
14:37
Speaker 1: imagine how difficult that would be. That would be So
14:40
Speaker 1: challenging and so consuming as well. Yeah, be scared for
14:43
Speaker 1: when she comes over and what it's going to feel
14:44
Speaker 1: like and be like. And then you always feel that.
14:46
Speaker 1: It's just like this big ripple effect that affects the
14:48
Speaker 1: whole household.
14:49
Speaker 2: Definitely.
14:49
Speaker 1: Oh, we'd love an update if anything changes or you
14:53
Speaker 1: are struggling to communicate this. We can always slide.
14:55
Speaker 2: Into our DM.
14:55
Speaker 1: We're here for you. Yeah, absolutely. We'll see you soon.
14:58
Speaker 2: Bye, girls.