Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 114. The Disconnection in Relationships No One Talks About

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114. The Disconnection in Relationships No One Talks About · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie Production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment.
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  Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Hello, everybody, Welcome back
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  Speaker 1: to our Bestie Advice segment. If you didn't listen to
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  Speaker 1: yesterday's episode, please go and listen to it and don't forget.
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  Speaker 1: We're in your ears four times a week Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
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  Speaker 1: and Friday. But today is when we listen to or
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  Speaker 1: we read out an anonymous submission of someone wanting some
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  Speaker 1: best advice. So maybe you have someone in your life
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  Speaker 1: that you're struggling with, or you don't have anyone to
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  Speaker 1: go to, or you're just wanting an unbiased opinion. This
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  Speaker 1: is the place to bring in. And this is the
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  Speaker 1: exact advice that I would give Tiana or Tiana would
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  Speaker 1: give me if we were coming to each other with
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  Speaker 1: this problem. Absolutely. All righty, what have we got today?
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  Speaker 2: All right, let's go? Shall we a bit of a backstory.
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  Speaker 2: I had a very traumatic breakup and past relationship that
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  Speaker 2: eats away at me still six years later. The relationship
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  Speaker 2: was awful, but this person still holds something over me
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  Speaker 2: and a part of me that will always be with them.
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  Speaker 2: A few years ago, my new partner and I went
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  Speaker 2: away to Bali.
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  Speaker 1: I've always been a.
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  Speaker 2: Very spiritually curious person and was so excited to book
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  Speaker 2: into Bali as I heard it was a very spiritual place.
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  Speaker 2: I have never tried reiki before and wasn't one hundred
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  Speaker 2: percent sure, but I was sold on it. As with
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  Speaker 2: everything spiritual, I was so excited to give it a shot.
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  Speaker 2: The night before my appointment, my partner and I had sex,
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  Speaker 2: and for some reason I could not get my ex
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  Speaker 2: out of my head while we were at it. I
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  Speaker 2: felt so guilty. Afterwards, my reiki session was amazing, and
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  Speaker 2: the heeler pinpointed so many things that I was working
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  Speaker 2: through that I nearly vomited were At the end of
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  Speaker 2: the session, he told me that he knew that I
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  Speaker 2: had been thinking about my ex while having sex with
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  Speaker 2: my current partner and that I needed to be more
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  Speaker 2: present when sleeping with him. I thought I was going
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  Speaker 2: to the grave with that thought and was so taken
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  Speaker 2: back that he knew. I think about that all the
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  Speaker 2: time and will definitely be returning to this healer. He's
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  Speaker 2: definitely the real deal. What do you guys think I
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  Speaker 2: should do.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I believe that healer knew he's almost
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  Speaker 1: like psychic as well. Yeah, wow, that's really that's invasive.
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  Speaker 1: I was hoping that the reiki healer would clear the
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  Speaker 1: stuff from her ex to like clear energetically and unplug
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  Speaker 1: help you unplug from him. But six years later, there's
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  Speaker 1: still a plug in there. I'm wondering what that is, Like,
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  Speaker 1: was there stuff left unsaid undone? Did he break up
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  Speaker 1: with you and you didn't feel like you were finished?
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  Speaker 1: Have you spoken to anyone else about this to try
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  Speaker 1: and clear it. I've done some breath work to try
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  Speaker 1: and like move it through, But is there something there,
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  Speaker 1: like did you feel like that relationship wasn't done? I
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  Speaker 1: think I can relate to this.
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  Speaker 2: I have had experiences where I've had moments like this
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  Speaker 2: where I have been almost like stuck in limerens about somebody.
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  Speaker 2: And Limbrens is when you basically are like it's almost
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  Speaker 2: like a fixation on somebody. And so for me in
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  Speaker 2: the past when this has happened, like I was wildly
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  Speaker 2: in love with somebody for like seven years, and what
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  Speaker 2: I noticed throughout that journey was that I was stuck
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  Speaker 2: on the idea of them, on the idea of them.
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  Speaker 2: I was stuck on the version of me that I
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  Speaker 2: got to be when I was with them. I loved
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  Speaker 2: the side of me that came out when I was
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  Speaker 2: with him. And it was like I had this story
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  Speaker 2: in my head of what this life was going to
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  Speaker 2: be like with this person and I and I was
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  Speaker 2: so stuck on it because I held on to hope.
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  Speaker 2: It was like, even though I knew things were done
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  Speaker 2: and things were closed and it couldn't go there, it
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  Speaker 2: was like there was this part of my heart that
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  Speaker 2: was almost like still attached to him and still open
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  Speaker 2: for the possibility of what could happen. And I think
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  Speaker 2: that is where I ended up, like breaking my heart
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  Speaker 2: over and over again by keeping that hope open and
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  Speaker 2: kind of not having any internal boundaries with myself of
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  Speaker 2: one closing.
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  Speaker 1: The loop entirely. And how do you do that well?
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  Speaker 2: Processing the hurt? Yeah, so like breath work and yeah, crying, crying,
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  Speaker 2: letting it out, processing all of the thoughts and feelings,
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  Speaker 2: letting the anger out if you're angry, letting the hurt out, letting.
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  Speaker 1: The love out, like all of it.
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  Speaker 2: Like you've got to be willing to feel all of
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  Speaker 2: it to its steps, and then also kind of like
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  Speaker 2: protect yourself in that sense. It's almost like reparenting yourself
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  Speaker 2: of like, this is not good for me, it didn't
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  Speaker 2: work out, this is it. I need to love on
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  Speaker 2: myself now.
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  Speaker 1: Question though, if I put myself in her shoes and
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  Speaker 1: Steve was feeling like this about an ex partner, like,
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  Speaker 1: I would just want to know. I want to know
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  Speaker 1: that he's still thinking about her, Like I wouldn't want
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  Speaker 1: him having sex with me if he was thinking about her.
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  Speaker 1: Of course, I want him to be open and be like,
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  Speaker 1: I love you and I'm here. She's just on my
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  Speaker 1: mind lately, and that'd be so hard to hear. But
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  Speaker 1: I just want that transparency of like what's going on
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  Speaker 1: for him? Yeah, because I don't feel like she'd be
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  Speaker 1: fully able to be all in on her current relationship
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  Speaker 1: and give him what he deserves, give the relationship what
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  Speaker 1: it deserves when your head's elsewhere, So like, would you
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  Speaker 1: advise her to tell him or just process it through
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  Speaker 1: and hope for the best.
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  Speaker 2: Like, oh see, that's a hard one because what you
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  Speaker 2: just said.
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  Speaker 1: Is so true. It's like this feels a bit of betrayal. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it does a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: This is now this listener, This submissioner's responsibility is to go, okay, like,
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  Speaker 2: am I still wildly in love with this person? Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: that I cannot give this new person something, because if
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  Speaker 2: that's the case, then that's a whole lot of conversation.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's unfair.
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  Speaker 2: As the receiving partner, it's like, wow, this person is
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  Speaker 2: here with me physically, but mentally, there's somewhere else that
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  Speaker 2: feels unfair, that.
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  Speaker 1: Feels like betrayal.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm thinking, yeah, it depends like where this woman
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  Speaker 2: is at, what she's feeling, what she's thinking, whether she
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  Speaker 2: wants to act on it, or if it's just you know,
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  Speaker 2: like a ghost of the past that needs to be
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  Speaker 2: healed and processed.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and yeah, do you still have feelings for your ex?
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  Speaker 1: I would want to know that.
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  Speaker 2: What she said is like, it's a very traumatic breakup
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  Speaker 2: and past relationship, So there's trauma.
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  Speaker 1: There, there's something there that there's.
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  Speaker 2: Obviously something maybe something toxic happened, or there was a
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  Speaker 2: lot of fighting back and forth. So emotionally, there's a
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  Speaker 2: huge emotional pull to me that sounds like something needs
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  Speaker 2: to be processed. Emotionally as opposed to her wanting.
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  Speaker 1: To go back. So that's what we would probably recommend doing.
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  Speaker 1: Then it's like I would do. I don't know why
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  Speaker 1: breath keeps getting through to me because trauma is stored energy,
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  Speaker 1: and being able to sematically move that through breath, I
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  Speaker 1: think is really really healing. And then after doing that
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  Speaker 1: and just seeing the progress of that, then I think
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  Speaker 1: it might give you more clarities to what is there.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe if there is still feelings there, I think it
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  Speaker 1: might be a conversation you have yourself first, but then
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  Speaker 1: with your current partner to put yourself roles reversed. How'd
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  Speaker 1: you feel if he was having sex with you and
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  Speaker 1: he was thinking about his ex and it was like
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  Speaker 1: on his mind all the time, you wouldn't want that.
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  Speaker 1: Just transparency such a high value of mine. If things aren't,
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  Speaker 1: if you're not talking about everything, there's an invisible energetic
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  Speaker 1: wall between you and your current partner and he could
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  Speaker 1: feel that just would be feeling confused or maybe thinking
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  Speaker 1: of something else. But yeah, there's definitely some work to
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  Speaker 1: do here. It's not something that's going to go away
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  Speaker 1: until you like face it head on. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I love that you mentioned breath work because I remember
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  Speaker 2: when I went through a really serious breakup last year. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I came to one of your events and you held
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  Speaker 2: me through it and I did breath work with you,
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  Speaker 2: and I just cried the whole time. I was like
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  Speaker 2: releasing all these things that I was trying to stuff
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  Speaker 2: down and pretend that it didn't exist for me. And
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  Speaker 2: when I did that, I felt like so much relief after,
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  Speaker 2: because it was like seeing parts of myself that we
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  Speaker 2: was so hurt for the first time and really allowing
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  Speaker 2: all of them to be seen and held and heard
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  Speaker 2: and loved. And that was really really hard healing.
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  Speaker 1: Then you really healing yet another breathwork. We went to
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  Speaker 1: the beach one day and we went to this breathwhek.
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  Speaker 1: We had to use headphones, and that was another time
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  Speaker 1: where you were like, oh my gosh, I can fully
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  Speaker 1: see this for what it is. I can. Yes, it's
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  Speaker 1: like another unplug. Yeah it was. It's been a couple
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  Speaker 1: of unplugs and that's okay.
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  Speaker 2: It was.
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  Speaker 1: I forgot about that.
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  Speaker 2: Actually, Yeah, I remember coming out of that being like, Wow,
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  Speaker 2: I feel I can let go.
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  Speaker 1: I can let go.
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  Speaker 2: Everything that happened in that relationship made sense. I can
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  Speaker 2: have love for him and then let him go and
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  Speaker 2: move on with my life now.
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  Speaker 1: And there's been a couple of unplugs throughout that time,
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  Speaker 1: but each one was just so important because it got
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  Speaker 1: you to that point where you're like, wow, I can
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  Speaker 1: fully let go of this now. This is not for me.
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  Speaker 2: And you know what, it's a process as well. Like
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  Speaker 2: when you go through a breakup, you're grieving someone that's
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  Speaker 2: not dead, Like you literally grieve being with that person,
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  Speaker 2: spending time with them, the vision that you created.
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  Speaker 1: In your life you thought you were to have with them.
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  Speaker 2: And when there's pain there too, everything is so much
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  Speaker 2: more heightened. So you're dealing with grief, you're dealing with
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  Speaker 2: a sense of addiction to that person, and you're dealing
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  Speaker 2: with the psychological impact that it's created for you. So
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  Speaker 2: there's so many layers to it. So just be kind
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  Speaker 2: to yourself on the journey of letting go, but then
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  Speaker 2: also making sure that you're honoring your current partner as well,
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  Speaker 2: because it's not just you that's involved.
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  Speaker 1: It's so I wonder if there's anything I don't know
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  Speaker 1: if this is off topic, but anything in your current
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  Speaker 1: relationship that you're comparing or you feel like it's missing
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  Speaker 1: that you got from the other one. Yeah, that you
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  Speaker 1: could bring forward and say, hey, like this is really
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  Speaker 1: important that we do X y Z or we talk
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  Speaker 1: about X y Z or we explore X y Z
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  Speaker 1: and that maybe you're trying to get that from the
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  Speaker 1: X because you used to enjoy that or want that,
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  Speaker 1: desiring it, but you haven't fully acknowledged.
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  Speaker 2: That, haven't acknowledged that it's important thing. Yeah, wanting more
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  Speaker 2: of that now?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, Yeah, So that could be a cool conversation to
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  Speaker 1: have with yourself and then your current partner two. I
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  Speaker 1: like that, hmm. Very cool with love and update. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it's definitely a tough one. It is really tough, super tough,
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  Speaker 1: and every breakup and every don'tatpic and situation is just
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  Speaker 1: so different.
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  Speaker 2: But you know, something that we say to each other
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  Speaker 2: all the time is that you can feel something and
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  Speaker 2: not have to act on it. And I think sometimes
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  Speaker 2: that is almost permission alone to know that whatever it
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  Speaker 2: is that you're feeling, whatever it is that you're going through.
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  Speaker 1: It's okay that it's there.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you don't have to act on it. It doesn't
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  Speaker 2: necessarily mean that you want to go back, No, it's
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  Speaker 2: just true. You can be heartbroken, and you can have pain,
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  Speaker 2: and you can have still have moments where maybe you're
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  Speaker 2: really happy in your relationship now, but then there are
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  Speaker 2: moments where it pops up randomly. It doesn't mean anything, yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and it doesn't have to mean anything if you don't
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  Speaker 2: attach meaning to it exactly. Give yourself permission to feel
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  Speaker 2: it as it comes, let it go and be willing
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  Speaker 2: to do that work not only for you but for
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  Speaker 2: your current partner. Then spend and choose to spend time
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  Speaker 2: with That's beautiful advice.
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  Speaker 1: Oh we hope this helps, and as always we love updates.
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  Speaker 1: If you guys must slide into our DMS or send
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: another anonymous sumission, we would love to hear where you
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: are and what you're doing with it. But we're definitely
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  Speaker 1: looking for some breathwork. Yeah maybe the first at what
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  Speaker 1: take love it? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: All right, ladies, we'll see you next time.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Bye bye