Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Men Are Told What They Do For Their Wives Is Really For Them

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When Men Are Told What They Do For Their Wives Is Really For Them · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctors.
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  Psych mom show today. I am going to be talking about
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  something that I have seen happen.
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  I call it like a trend, it's like not like a tick.
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  Tock dance. It, although follow me on Tick
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  Tock but it is I call it a trend because I've seen it more in
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  recent years and it is where men aren't allowed to do anything
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  for their wives. And I'll explain this in a
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  little bit before you get all upset and say that motherfucker,
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  you don't try to do anything for me anyway.
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  But you know, I have a point before that true, please do
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  subscribe the most recent one is how your hobby of dissecting.
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  Your husband's personality may not be as positive as you think.
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  But I do give you a hack of how you can continue to do that if
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  you do it in a certain way. So you do not have to leave your
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  favorite hobby by the wayside anyway.
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  So what do I mean by you're not allowed to do anything for your
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  white. So this is like a funny trick.
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  There's like a logic puzzle where it's like oh how do you
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  get like this from this? This Shore to another Shore and
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  this amount of trips, you know, these kind of riddles.
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  So here's a good riddle. So so the husband is supposed to
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  do things for the wife, but everything that she wants him to
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  do, he's supposed to want to do for himself.
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  So but then she also wanted to do things for her because she
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  thinks she does things for him. This is, this is very confusing.
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  But I have my doctorate and it's very confusing to me.
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  So, so let's take an example. Example, so the husband, I say,
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  all right, you're such an asshole about certain things,
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  you can be so difficult. So she wants to redo the
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  kitchen. So I have this thing about home
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  projects. I see this shit all the time if
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  you want to get divorced once you try to renovate something.
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  So if you want a fast track. But anyway, she wants to fix the
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  kitchen up, fine kitchens a piece of shit.
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  She thinks so guy spends many years saying no no no no no and
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  being like a real Real lovely, positive sunshiny presence, just
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  kidding. And so, finally, I'm like, stop
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  being an asshole, you know, like be like, do the kitchen, what do
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  you give a shit, you know what I mean?
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  Like, you're paying for her extra therapy because you won't
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  do the kitchen, why don't you just do the kitchen and cut out
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  the middleman? So we're doing the kitchen but
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  but this is wonderful. So the guy was a big piece of
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  shit. This whole time nobody's arguing
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  is so - is unbearable. He grew up in a - home blah
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  blah. Then we get to where he's trying
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  to do something for her and then some women at these can be.
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  So it always takes two to tango as I say.
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  So then the woman says, something like you're not doing
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  it for me. You I want somebody wants to do
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  the kitchen. This is wonderful.
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  This is Amazing. Leap of logic bed, just like
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  like puts a Snus around and you little tender all that was
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  growing. Going up of potential closeness
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  and tenderness and Reconciliation.
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  So he can no longer say I'm doing the kitchen for you
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  because she says, this isn't for me, this is for our household, a
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  severe household. Like like the kids are saying,
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  man. I really wish we had a different
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  kind of stove, right? They don't give a shit but so
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  the kitchen is should be for the household.
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  So this isn't a different bucket.
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  I disavow that you're doing this for me because it's not for me.
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  Furthermore, I want somebody who wants to do the kitchen and so
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  thus, if this man, now turns around confused and says, Okay,
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  I want to do the kitchen, you've convinced me, we need to do the
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  kitchen, she then says haha. Well then it is for you.
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  It is not for me and you don't do anything for me and like, I'm
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  making it sound funny, but it's not funny.
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  I see it, like, literally all the time and it doesn't have to
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  be with the kitchen. It doesn't have to be this,
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  dramatic, it could be anything. So I see you.
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  Be romantic. So, this poor motherfucker tries
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  to be romantic, right? And then she says, no, I want
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  somebody who wants to be romantic if so, it's not for me.
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  Remember, Ed. So it's supposed to be something
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  that you are doing for you. Oh, come on.
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  I mean, this is insane. But then it's very funny again,
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  morbidly funny, because she'll say the sex life is for him.
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  So she'll be like, well, you know, I'm really trying to be
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  more physical. I'm really trying to be sexual
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  for you, you know? It's for I mean yeah.
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  Okay look I want a sex life too. I guess.
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  But you know we didn't have one for 15 years now I'm trying
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  finally doing it for you but I want you to do stuff for me for
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  you. Well do you see the problem?
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  I mean, I see the problem and the problem is something that
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  then will lead to divorce court, which nobody wants.
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  So here's the thing, people who do this, they're very, very,
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  very, very poor with accepting Anything from anybody, they
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  frequently tend toward avoidant attachment.
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  Go back to my avoidant attachment Wife episode or the
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  attachment Styles episode. So if you so they get very
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  uncomfortable with intimacy. Intimacy, is when somebody
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  sacrifices and gives you something a gift is intimate.
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  I mean, do you ever feel bad if like it's like your friends.
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  Let's say you meet not bits around Christmas, your friend.
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  Brings you a gift, you don't bring them a gift.
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  So you're like, oh shit. You know, you feel At you feel
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  caught out. So it's like a bigger version of
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  that. There's people who always feel
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  very anxious around gift because it's some form of intimacy.
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  It feels like you then, oh, the person something which feels
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  super uncomfortable. So basically what the woman is
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  saying is I want you to do stuff for me.
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  I want you to all the stuff I want, but I want you to say this
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  for you so that I don't have to deal with two things.
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  A the intimate Act of acceptance of the gift and It'd be, I don't
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  then have to be beholden to you. In any way, I don't have to do
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  something for you tomorrow, because you did something for me
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  today because we're going to pretend that you didn't do
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  something for me today. And I see this happen a lot and
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  there's a way that that that males do this as well.
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  But I do not see it as much because because what men usually
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  want is to work on the sex life within the marriage and within
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  that, it least if they're seeing me and they've read all my stuff
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  they know about responsive design.
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  Etc, day understand. And have made peace with
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  sometimes they waxes and wanes. The piece that they make with
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  it. Sometimes they still think some
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  bullshit, like she ought to like be ready to jump my bones
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  because that's how the women act in porn.
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  But usually at the stage that I'm going with with guys, they
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  can accept that. If the woman tries to work on
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  the sex life, it is in in full, it is for full disclosure for
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  them and they would be real happy if she did that work, did
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  it for that. Now once they Start getting laid
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  more than sometimes they can like regrets and be like, well,
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  it's an it for you though to. And yeah, like sure, but it's
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  for them. Like the kitchen is for the man,
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  you know, if the woman could do without it, but she really wants
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  to make him happy. And then her responsive desire
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  kicks in, she ends up enjoying sex, I say awesome.
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  I see you marriages at a much better place then and the most
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  people would concur. But so because men get to that
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  point, I don't see this happen as much where they repudiate
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  that woman's doing something for Then in that way.
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  But I do see this happen. A lot with avoidant, Lee
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  attached women in particular that they find it very difficult
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  to accept a gift. So therefore they're saying no
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  no. All right.
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  I want this thing. I want this thing.
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  I want this thing, but the key is that you got to say that it's
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  for you also. And if you say this for you then
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  I don't have to think of it. It's a gift.
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  And I don't have to deal with the discomfort of potentially
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  accepting a gift and then having to do anything for you.
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  So if you recognize this Dynamic, then you I've already
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  felt very crazy made because of it.
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  So, in this case, it's like men are up against a brick wall
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  here, and again there, no suffering, sad victims.
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  And, and, and here's the reason why because men have gone along
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  with too much of this shit before.
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  Like, they have realized that there's a problem with intimacy
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  and usually they're brushing it under the rug, because they
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  don't want to look at it full in the face, and this is how these
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  Dynamics perpetuate. So it's not like this.
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  Poor man out of nowhere. This Amica Rises like this is a
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  man who probably from the Inception of the relationship
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  realized that there was that she wasn't as intimate with him in
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  any way that he would then as compared to what he would want.
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  But because of his own upbringing, he brushed his shit
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  under the rug and this is usually I'm more preoccupied
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  attachment, man, and he's always been more into the relationship
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  and into intimacy, but especially, then her, you know,
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  and And so, he's got himself to this place to, you know, it's
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  doesn't take one person to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
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  There's no sad suffering, silent victim here.
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  But the point is, if you are in this Dynamic, try to recognize.
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  If you're the woman doing this, how's it going to work on?
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  It would be nice for him to do something for you.
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  You have to get comfortable with that.
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  And that could be a thing in individual therapy.
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  If the idea of him doing something a big expenditure
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  twenty thousand dollars for the kitchen, he's doing it 100% for
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  you. Does that make you
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  uncomfortable? Or because people are like, some
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  people would really be like, well, I mean, of course,
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  wouldn't that make anybody uncomfortable somebody doing
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  something like that? Just for you that they don't
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  want? No, no, no, no.
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  Someone will be like my husband so nice.
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  He's so loving. He loves me so much.
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  He took me to this travel destination just for me.
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  He bought me this jewelry, just for me.
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  He changed his job hours. Just for me, you know?
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  And they would love that. And these are usually women.
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  Who are much more comfortable with it.
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  Accepting intimacy because they're more used to getting
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  intimacy all the way back from childhood.
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  They were used to a pair and doing things for them with no
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  strings. Whereas the women who are super
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  uncomfortable with this and do this, like Yoda mind, fuck were
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  like the man has to say that the thing is for them to these,
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  women are not used to accepting things without strings.
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  Because any time a parent, did anything for them ever there was
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  plenty of strings. The strings were all over the
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  place. It was fucking cat's cradle and
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  now they are extremely averse to Something any sort of a gift
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  directly. So, what, how can you work on
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  this? You can start, to be honest, you
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  can, instead of doing this, like, mental Jiu-Jitsu, where
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  you're like, no, you gotta say that, you want it, because if
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  it's, for me, I got to be for you because everything for the
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  house, isn't for me, and this is no.
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  Stop it learned to accept a gift and probably should at accepting
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  compliments to. Honestly, if you think about it,
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  if you're the same kind of woman, you're very bad at
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  accepting compliments. He probably says you look so hot
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  and you'd say one of two wonderful.
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  Awful things, either. All you want to sex or know.
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  I don't. So you know, you are you it's a
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  real buzzkill either one of those.
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  It's either like, get your mind out of the gutter.
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  You fucking animal or it's, no, I look like shit.
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  Your taste is trash. I am a wildebeest.
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  So, none of those is very useful.
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  In terms of promoting, it's a busy, obviously, it's the
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  opposite. It takes intimacy.
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  And just, you know, strangles it to death.
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  So, if you're bad at accepting gifts, you're bad at accepting
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  compliments, you probably bad accepting favors from other
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  people. You probably are the person who
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  has a mental checklist. All right.
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  This one now, you know, brought me a gift, I got to bring them a
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  gift, they watched my kid, I gotta watch their kid, my kid
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  went to their house for a playdate.
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  I got to have the kid back for a playdate and even if not,
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  there's plenty of people who are like totally way more functional
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  with friends, then they are within the intimate
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  relationship. So the intimate.
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  Up is the playground for all of your childhood insecurities and
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  wounds they Frolic in the meadow, you know, within your
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  intimate relationship whereas these childhood wounds can like
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  kind of be quiet and hide within the context of work and
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  friendship. Because for many high,
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  functioning people who still have childhood trauma, they get
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  their shit together for work and for friends and even for
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  parenting, at times, although big big, although, if you're the
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  kind of person that's got to make, the guy think that the
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  kitchen is for him and your shit at accepting, I meant then also,
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  I bet you got one other podcast of mine that you really love
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  which is don't let your kids treat you like garbage.
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  Because it bet you're doing that one too because your childhood
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  was all these strings attached stuff.
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  So you say to your kids, oh no, strings attached, I do
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  everything for you, here I am doing literally everything that
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  you want. Always, you don't even have to
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  be nice to me in return because you're trying to heal from your
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  childhood, you try and do the opposite.
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  But Meanwhile your kids are probably shitting on you.
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  So if that's because they're trying to because they're
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  trained that you're not A person you don't have needs, you've
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  gone so far that you don't want to give them guilt trips.
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  Then now they no longer even think that you're like a
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  sentient human being. And so if this all resonates
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  with you, this is one personality type and this is a
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  person who had a difficult upbringing in that the parents
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  affection was not unconditional. They had to be good, they had to
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  be vigilant for a parent's, mood shift.
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  A parent was doing like, weird machination behind the scenes.
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  If I do this for you, you To do this for me and you should
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  probably read the book The Children of the self-absorbed,
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  if any of this resonates with you, okay?
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  And if you're the man listening to this that has been on the
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  side of this. Yeah.
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  Read that book because you'll understand your in-laws, you
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  know, your knew they were nuts but you know you didn't know
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  exactly how not not that your childhood was a walk in the park
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  either because of the wise y'all wouldn't be drawn to each other.
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  So I hope that this gave you some insight into this Dynamic
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  where the man cannot do anything for the woman.
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  Because if he doesn't, you think for the woman that he's not
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  doing it for the household? That's not fair.
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  But yet she could do stuff for him all day and in and out.
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  And you know what, the best one is.
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  Sometimes a woman actually convinced the man that the
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  kitchens for them like it's like, they'll do anything to do
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  it because they're so uncomfortable with the kitchen
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  mean for them. So they got to convince the man
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  that it's for that. They'll be like, well, how do
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  you think that I can pack all the lunches myself, which if you
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  pack the lunches, I wouldn't need the kitchen or like, just,
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  it's just so not like, whatever they're like, SB, like someone
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  who's drowning, you know, because they're super
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  uncomfortable with accepting that somebody could do something
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  for them. And if you want to change this
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  like super quick, you can say, you can find something that your
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  husband recently did for you. You could do a deep dive and
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  think about it, super clearly. And be like, hey, when you did x
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  y z, it was 100% for me. I understand that I own it and I
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  thank you for it. And that would be very
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  transformative. Just saying that in the majority
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  of relationships in which this has been a hot button issue, the
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  man will probably die of shock and it In fact, if he drank the
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  Kool-Aid too much will try to convince you.
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  No. No, you know, taking the kids to
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  Cancun that whatever was for me, right?
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  I mean, we agreed on that. Like, I know I hate the Heat and
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  I break out into a rash of the water, but it was for me.
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  You told me, hold on, hold on. I'll remember how you say, no.
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  It was for me. I like him.
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  Coon, you don't, thank you for doing it.
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  For me. It was for me.
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  Thank you. And even do it.
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  Practicing doing this will be very very helpful for you and
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  your Greater Life. All right.
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  I talk to you all soon. Bye bye.