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- Thinking Out Loud - Podcast: Episode 3, Most of What Upsets Us, Isn't Personal. It's Unexamined Meaning. Listener Discretion is Advice. This podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. I'm sharing my perspective and personal experiences. Please use your own judgment and seek appropriate professional guidance when needed. Listen in a way that feels supportive and safe. for you. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. Today I'm thinking out loud on the question, what if most of what upsets us isn't actually personal? Is it just me? Or has anyone else looked back in their past and realized the things that once upset them so deeply feel kind of silly? Not unimportant at the time, not fake, just smaller. There are moments I remember where my body reacted like something was genuinely wrong, tight chest, racing thoughts, spiraling narrative. And now years later, I can see it more clearly. I wasn't broken. I was instead learning during these moments. For a long time, traffic made me irrationally angry, like personally offended. I now know. It was because I was juggling too much and not taking care of my needs instead focusing on everyone else's needs. During those times, I would just sit in my car, gripping the wheel, running late, mentally blaming everyone else on the road for ruining my entire day. I felt disrespected, unconsidered, and like the universe was wasting my time. Kimberly, I think the universe has more. important things to do than focus on you. Then one day it finally clicked. Traffic isn't happening to me. It's just happening. So I learned to stop rushing. I started leaving early. I packed my bag the night before. I made my car a place I actually wanted to be in. Water bottles, snacks, music. kept the things I liked in my car. Of course, nothing that would explode in the cold or melt in the heat. Just things that set me up for success. And when I made those small changes, suddenly being early wasn't so bad. Instead, it became a gift rather than a burden. I could scroll on social media, catch up on work, emails, text my friends back, send funny memes. I could go on a walk. And sometimes I even got to check into my appointment early or got to start work early. instead of working late. And if I was running late, I would just communicate safely without panic. Well, that's not necessarily true. I had to learn not to panic. So that one took a little bit character development. My piece became more important though than my punctuality. That's when I started to realize something important. Changing your behavior doesn't mean you were wrong before. It means you were learning something new. I was learning to regulate. And the same thing happened to me socially. I used to take it really personally when I wasn't invited somewhere. A party, a gathering, a casual get together. My brain would fill in the gaps immediately. They don't like me. I'm just too much. I said something wrong. When I got older, busier, tired in a way that Sleep doesn't fix. I really something funny most of the time. I don't even want to go. I like my house. I like the quiet. I like choosing how I spend my energy. I love my time. I don't have an unlimited amount of it. So when I stopped assuming everything was about me, I noticed something else. People weren't excluding me. They were just assuming I was busy. And sometimes they just want to invite who they wanted. They didn't want a big crowd, which they're allowed to do. And if it was personal, why would I want to be somewhere I wasn't wanted? That doesn't sound fun for anyone involved. Not just being invited stopped meaning I wasn't valued. It just meant life is happening. The shift alone freed up so much more emotional energy. The same thing happened with rejection. I used to feel rejected when people didn't respond to a video I sent them. My little clips that I thought were funny, sweet little things that made me think of them. My little love nuggets. And the silent for a long time felt loud. Now, sometimes people are busy. Sometimes they didn't find it funny. Sometimes they watched it and just forgot to respond. And yes, yes, sometimes it's rejection. And that's okay, because here's the thing I had to learn the hard way. People are allowed to reject me. I don't have to join in with them. I get to decide what that rejection means. And sometimes it's not rejection at all, it's feedback. And sometimes it's an opportunity. Was I being too intense too fast? Too familiar without enough foundation with that person? Too spicy for their palate with my personality? That doesn't make me wrong and it doesn't mean everyone wants the same flavor of friends. So now instead of spiraling, I really try to listen and observe, give space, watch for cues. And if someone pulls back, I try my best not to chase them. I do try to ask if I was hurting them in a casual way now instead of, ⁓ my gosh, am I hurting you? Because some people aren't ready for friendship. I had to learn that and respect that too. And that was a big evolution for me. Another one was learning, I don't have to say the right things all the time. I do get to make mistakes. And luckily for me, I have met some amazing friends who give me the benefit of the doubt because with them, I don't have to show up perfectly. I want to, I don't have to. I used to feel intense anxiety when someone I cared about was going through something hard because I I learned I didn't want to fix them. I realized I was just uncomfortable with pain more than I realized because I wanted to say the exact words that could help them, that would help them grieve. If I didn't know what to say, I felt like honestly I was failing them. The nice thing that I learned Most people, they want to be their own heroes and they want to find their own solutions. They just want your presence. They want someone to sit with them in the discomfort without trying to clean up the mess. I learned that that sucks. Just saying that can be incredibly validating. It has to have the right context, like, they didn't have my favorite pizza. That sucks. And sometimes just them being told that I'm glad you told me can mean more than advice. And I also learned something equally important. I don't have to hold other people's pain at my own expense. Support doesn't mean self-abandonment. Sometimes quiet support is enough. Sometimes distance, giving them space is necessary. Sometimes loving someone means acknowledging your limits, that I can sit with you, I don't have to drown with you. That understanding changed how I showed up for people and how I protect myself and how I create my own boundaries. Over time, all of these moments started stacking. Traffic, invitation, rejection, support. They all became bricks. Bricks I used to build a sturdier version of myself. I wanted to become someone who wasn't constantly knocked off balance by other people's opinions. I wanted to accept feedback. I didn't want to be ruled by other people's thoughts. I wanted to become someone who could pause and ask, is this feedback? Is this projection? Or does this pain have anything to do with me? And sometimes the answer is all of the above. Here's another evolution that matters a lot to me. I stopped apologizing for making people uncomfortable. I didn't stop apologizing for causing harm. Those are not the same things. It's just cruelty with better branding. Saying, I'm just being honest, doesn't excuse the lack of care. Honesty has a place, so does compassion. I learned that being thoughtful doesn't mean enabling. It means remembering that there is another nervous system across from you. I really want to bring connection, not dominance. I used to think certainty was strength, that knowing exactly where I stood and never wavering made me principled. Now I think nuance is stronger. Because certainty is easy when you don't have to make room for other people. Nuance requires humility. It requires listening. It requires a willingness to say, I might be wrong. And here's the part that surprised me the most. The moment I stopped needing to be right all the time, my life got quieter, not smaller, quieter. The people who truly loved me stayed and we grew closer. The people who needed me to stay the same slowly faded out. And that hurt. It also clarified things. Some people were waiting for me to leave. and that doesn't make them the villains. It just means orchids and cactus need different environments. Neither is wrong. They just don't thrive in the same soil. That realization freed me because both things can be true. They're not mutually exclusive. I can have things to work on and still be worth loving. I can be wrong and still be a kind person. Someone can hurt me. and still have valid points. And I had to realize that's not weakness, that's maturity when I understood that. Because honestly, drama gives us adrenaline. It doesn't build bridges. Certainty gives us control. It doesn't build relationships. and neither are building communities. Communities require differences with understanding, and they require repair when damage is done. We don't have to agree. We do have to stop treating differences like it's dangerous. All right, all right, all right. It's down to the end. And back to what brought us here today. What if most of what upsets us isn't personal? Instead, what if it's just information? Information about where we feel that we might still be insecure about. Information about expectations we never communicated. Information about parts of us that still needs reassurance. Maybe the goal isn't to stop feeling upset. Maybe the goal is to pause before we assign meeting. Thanks again for listening to my rambles. Welcome to Thinking Out Loud. I'm Kimberly. I don't have all the answers, and I'm okay with that. If this felt familiar, uncomfortable, or oddly relatable, you're probably in the right place. If you're looking for a community of people navigating balance and asking honest questions, follow along. We'll keep thinking, we'll keep growing, and we'll keep asking questions together.