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Low Self-Confidence? 11 Helpful Tips to Control Your Emotions and Increase Your Self-Confidence · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  Carmen Hecox: Welcome to Create the Best Me.
• 0:02
  Carmen Hecox: I am Carmen Hecox, a personal development coach, and I am so excited to be connecting with you today.
• 0:09
  Carmen Hecox: Whether you're listening to the podcast or joining us on YouTube, my goal is to help women navigate through midlife challenges with compassion, inspiration, and empowering conversations.
• 0:21
  Carmen Hecox: Each week we'll dive into thought-provoking topics, designed to build self-confidence, overcome invisible women's syndrome, and find the courage to create the best version of yourself.
• 0:34
  Carmen Hecox: I'll also be joined by expert guest who will share the wisdom and insights, so make yourself comfortable and let's embark on this journey together.
• 0:44
  Carmen Hecox: Are you ready to learn how to take control of your emotions and boost your self confidence?
• 0:50
  Carmen Hecox: Well, you're in luck because today we've got the expert on the line.
• 0:56
  Carmen Hecox: Today's guests is Shane Adamson, the director of center for marriage and family counseling.
• 1:03
  Carmen Hecox: With over 25 years in experience in the field, Shane is a pro at helping couples and individuals navigate the complexity of addiction, trauma, sexuality.
• 1:16
  Carmen Hecox: Mental health and other relationship issues.
• 1:20
  Carmen Hecox: But wait, there's more, Shane received his undergraduate degree in family science from Brigham young university and his master's in clinical social work from the university of Utah.
• 1:32
  Carmen Hecox: So, you know, you're in good hands and here's a little fun fact for you.
• 1:38
  Carmen Hecox: Shane has the most fantastic smile.
• 1:41
  Carmen Hecox: And if you're listening to this podcast on your favorite podcast, platform.
• 1:46
  Carmen Hecox: You should head on over to YouTube to get a glimpse of it.
• 1:50
  Carmen Hecox: So sit back, relax, and get ready to learn how to take control of your emotions and boost yourself confidence with the help of Shane Adamson.
• 2:02
  Carmen Hecox: Let's dig in.
• 2:03
  Carmen Hecox: Well, hello Shane and welcome to Create The Best Me Podcast.
• 2:06
  Carmen Hecox: It is such an honor to have you on the show.
• 2:09
  Carmen Hecox: Let me first start off by saying, I bet your patients have a hard time leaving.
• 2:14
  Carmen Hecox: As a therapist because you are such a likable man and you have an amazing smile that makes me wanna smile back.
• 2:22
  Carmen Hecox: I know my listeners will love your smile and find so much value in the topic we will be discussing today.
• 2:30
  Carmen Hecox: But before that, please tell the audience a little bit about you, your business, and your amazing podcast.
• 2:38
  Shane Adamson: Well, thank you.
• 2:39
  Shane Adamson: I'm so glad to be on your show.
• 2:41
  Shane Adamson: And Carmen and I met through a program called Power Up Podcasting, and so we've been on this journey together now for many months and we encourage each other.
• 2:50
  Shane Adamson: And a little background about me, I've been, a marriage and family counselor and I have a license in social work and I've been doing that for 26 years.
• 3:02
  Shane Adamson: And my story is small town, country boy, marries big city girl.
• 3:07
  Shane Adamson: And so my, I also am married and we're coming up on 30 years of marriage and I have three children and two are in college and one is a senior in high school.
• 3:18
  Shane Adamson: And gosh, my specialties, I've kind of followed my life wounds.
• 3:24
  Shane Adamson: This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I was a troubled teenager in high school.
• 3:28
  Shane Adamson: So my first job was working with troubled teens and then my parents sadly went through a divorce, which was a hard thing.
• 3:35
  Shane Adamson: And so I started to study divorce and what, how can people rebound after divorce and how can you keep family traditions alive after divorce?
• 3:45
  Shane Adamson: And so I work a lot with couples and then mental health, depression, anxiety, and trauma.
• 3:50
  Shane Adamson: So that's just a little bit about me, Carmen.
• 3:52
  Carmen Hecox: What about your podcast, because I, you do have a podcast.
• 3:55
  Shane Adamson: Oh.
• 3:56
  Shane Adamson: Thank you for reminding me.
• 3:57
  Shane Adamson: So, there was a Harvard study that talked about at the end of life, loving relationships are what matters most.
• 4:04
  Shane Adamson: And even if someone had cancer, or it doesn't matter if they were a brick layer or the president of the United States, if they have loving relationships, they're going to be happier.
• 4:14
  Shane Adamson: And so I, my podcast is how to develop loving relationships and identify those things that get in the way of loving relationships, growing and developing.
• 4:25
  Carmen Hecox: Great that sounds like an amazing podcast.
• 4:28
  Carmen Hecox: Thank you so much for sharing that information.
• 4:30
  Carmen Hecox: So I asked you to come on the show today because as a therapist, I think the topic we'll be discussing today, you've probably have helped women many times over on the topic.
• 4:40
  Carmen Hecox: It's how women going through midlife may struggle with self-confidence.
• 4:45
  Shane Adamson: I think that's such an important topic, Carmen, and I think that not only women but men too have confidence challenges.
• 4:55
  Shane Adamson: And actually I just want to give a little disclaimer that even though I'm a man, I feel I've paid my dues and walked alongside many women who've gone through hard midlife challenges and battled with confidence issues.
• 5:10
  Shane Adamson: And so, I'm really excited to explore this topic and try to learn some ways for people.
• 5:17
  Shane Adamson: Be comfortable in their own skin and if they have a, low confidence to get some of their confidence back.
• 5:23
  Carmen Hecox: Great.
• 5:24
  Carmen Hecox: So to start off, describe high self-confidence.
• 5:30
  Shane Adamson: Well, um, I have recently been studying this idea of inner peace and so I think inner peace and confidence go together.
• 5:42
  Shane Adamson: And so I have it broken into three things.
• 5:45
  Shane Adamson: A quiet mind is really important.
• 5:48
  Shane Adamson: And so a lot of people, like 70% of Americans or people around the world, battle with anxiety at some time in their life.
• 5:55
  Shane Adamson: When you have anxiety, you have racing thoughts, you can't recall memory as easily, and you kind of a little bit lean towards fear and worry and some negativity.
• 6:05
  Shane Adamson: And so being able to quiet your mind is one part.
• 6:09
  Shane Adamson: The second is a calm heart.
• 6:11
  Shane Adamson: Most people can only identify three emotions in their body, like anger, fear, and sadness.
• 6:18
  Shane Adamson: But we have so many other emotions and our emotions can guide us to self-care.
• 6:22
  Shane Adamson: If we're stressed, we might need to slow down.
• 6:25
  Shane Adamson: Or just things like that.
• 6:26
  Shane Adamson: We'll get into that later in the show.
• 6:28
  Shane Adamson: And the last thing is self-compassion.
• 6:30
  Shane Adamson: just liking yourself and being kind to yourself.
• 6:33
  Shane Adamson: If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up.
• 6:35
  Shane Adamson: So I would say confidence is a quiet mind, a calm heart, and some inner peace, about who you are.
• 6:44
  Carmen Hecox: Is high self-confidence visible.
• 6:47
  Carmen Hecox: The reason I ask is because sometimes when I'm scrolling through social media or I'm out in the public settings, I notice people that appear like they have a genuine, smile on their face or they walk with almost as if there's light radiating from within them; so much energy.
• 7:05
  Shane Adamson: You know, I would say that there are some people that I'm drawn to with their YouTube videos that a light comes from them, and I, I just feel uplifted by their energy.
• 7:15
  Shane Adamson: And so I do feel like your discernment can sometimes find those people with confidence and light.
• 7:22
  Shane Adamson: And then there are some other people that I think are kind of big storytellers and I really feel it.
• 7:29
  Shane Adamson: I really know for sure if someone's authentic is when I meet with them.
• 7:33
  Shane Adamson: If they share some of their struggles and are a little vulnerable and they share their successes, I'm a little, I have this red flag radar come up if someone's over telling big stories, I'm thinking they might be insecure and they're trying to share all these big stories to get validation.
• 7:49
  Shane Adamson: So, you can't always tell on social media if someone's truly confident, but your discernment, if you spend enough time with that person, in person or listen to their messaging, you can tell with time if they're confident.
• 8:04
  Carmen Hecox: Great.
• 8:05
  Carmen Hecox: Is there such thing as like medium or regular self-confidence?
• 8:12
  Shane Adamson: Hmm.
• 8:14
  Shane Adamson: I might frame it more as based on our kind of day-to-day life experiences.
• 8:21
  Shane Adamson: Our confidence might kind of just like a thermostat go up a little bit when we're really getting some positive feedback or being successful and it's some tasks.
• 8:32
  Shane Adamson: And then if we have some setbacks that are kind of, and we're getting stressed out, like when I do accounting, my confidence goes down because I'm not a numbers guy.
• 8:41
  Shane Adamson: And it gets confusing and so depending on the task I'm doing and my day-to-day events that I believe your confidence can kind of go up and down.
• 8:51
  Carmen Hecox: So describe what low confidence, someone who has low confidence, What would they be like?
• 8:57
  Shane Adamson: I would say someone that struggles to maintain eye contact, or someone that maybe won't really answer fully all your questions, just kind of say yes no, and they're trying to exit the conversation.
• 9:10
  Shane Adamson: It's like they're afraid of being exposed, but it's someone that is confident is willing to share their story of their life, not to dominate a conversation, but when they're asked a question, they're vulnerable and courageous and just share their story of who they are.
• 9:27
  Shane Adamson: And those people are like more, more confident because they are secure in who they are.
• 9:33
  Shane Adamson: And when asked, they feel like they don't need to give a script they can just say, this is me, hehe.
• 9:39
  Carmen Hecox: Do you find that women who are approaching midlife or in midlife experience symptoms such as low confidence more than they did when they were younger?
• 9:49
  Carmen Hecox: And if so, why?
• 9:50
  Carmen Hecox: And what triggers do you think could have caused it?
• 9:55
  Shane Adamson: So, I believe that in your twenties there's a zest for life and you have this feeling of seize the day, and most likely you haven't had some serious setbacks in life.
• 10:10
  Shane Adamson: So you might be more willing to take risks, be more confident in yourself and your goals.
• 10:16
  Shane Adamson: But over the next 20 years, I kind of look at midlife could be anywhere from 45, 55, depending on where put the tag in the middle.
• 10:24
  Shane Adamson: But, if someone has had a lot of hard life experiences and setbacks, that may take down some of that, zest or confidence, and so people might be a little more guarded or less willing to take risks.
• 10:40
  Carmen Hecox: I read somewhere that the key to having healthy relationships or being able to pursue your own life goals comes from having high confidence.
• 10:50
  Carmen Hecox: Is that correct?
• 10:53
  Shane Adamson: You know, I would think confidence is an important piece of the puzzle.
• 10:57
  Shane Adamson: I think that when you have certain skill sets and then you do those tasks and you do well at them, your confidence gradually increases, your self-esteem increases, and especially if you get some feedback from others saying, wow, that was, like, you know, after this podcast, if you get a number of people saying, I loved the podcast.
• 11:19
  Shane Adamson: You're so good at interviewing, your confidence is gonna climb up because you're getting feedback and you're, you're practicing and getting better.
• 11:28
  Shane Adamson: And so I think that confidence grows as you develop skills in an area, and then you get, you know, positive feedback.
• 11:38
  Carmen Hecox: What are some tools that we can use right now to regulate our self-confidence?
• 11:44
  Shane Adamson: um, I would say, I'm gonna go a little deeper on that last idea of self-compassion.
• 11:53
  Shane Adamson: So, um, I explained earlier that there are some days when like I'm doing accounting or maybe I try to spend some time with my daughter and she's like, dad, get.
• 12:05
  Shane Adamson: Quit following me, you know, you're bugging me like so then I feel a little rejected by my daughter.
• 12:11
  Shane Adamson: And accounting now is another negative on my day.
• 12:14
  Shane Adamson: And then maybe I get no showed and I might start to think, wow, I wonder if these people feel I'm a good therapist.
• 12:19
  Shane Adamson: So if you get like three of those in a row, I have written something and it's called a self-compassion letter, and I needed to give credit where I got this from.
• 12:30
  Shane Adamson: Kristen Neff has a website called self-compassion.org and the first thing I found on her website are some meditations that are guided from as short as six minutes up to 16 to 20 minutes.
• 12:43
  Shane Adamson: So based on your time.
• 12:45
  Shane Adamson: And these meditations were ones called Loving Kindness, one is called a Self-Compassion Moment.
• 12:52
  Shane Adamson: So it's only a six minute, but what you'll hear on there is a soothing voice that'll say something like, This is a moment of suffering.
• 13:01
  Shane Adamson: Will you sit with yourself, maybe put your hand on your heart and part of life is suffering, and can you hold yourself through this rough moment?
• 13:10
  Shane Adamson: And so I would listen to those meditations and then sometimes I didn't have my phone on me, or it was just a place where I didn't, I couldn't do a meditation.
• 13:19
  Shane Adamson: So I've written a little letter to myself.
• 13:22
  Shane Adamson: And I won't read the whole letter, but I'll just kind of give you the gist of it.
• 13:26
  Shane Adamson: But it starts out with Shane I can see you're feeling kind of hurt and anxious right now.
• 13:32
  Shane Adamson: Maybe there's some internal voices that are messing with your peace.
• 13:36
  Shane Adamson: I want you to remember, that you can make it through this hard moment and live more in peace, and that this hard time will pass.
• 13:44
  Shane Adamson: And remember, this is the wise part of yourself, encouraging you to be gentle with yourself and be patient until this hard moment passes.
• 13:52
  Shane Adamson: And so I have some little affirmations that I wrote, belief, that letter that I'll remind myself.
• 13:58
  Shane Adamson: And so that's some examples of some practical things to increase your self-compassion, whether it's a guided meditation or a letter to yourself, has helped me live a little more in confidence and make my hold myself through those difficult times when I'm more anxious and insecure.
• 14:16
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah, my first marriage, failed due to betrayal.
• 14:20
  Carmen Hecox: At the time I felt powerless.
• 14:22
  Carmen Hecox: I told myself I was a failure and I was unlovable.
• 14:26
  Carmen Hecox: I believed all the mean words that were spoken to me during the divorce to be true.
• 14:32
  Carmen Hecox: And so my resolution to that was since I thought I was unlovable, I decided to begin to work on myself to become someone who could be lovable.
• 14:43
  Carmen Hecox: And after spending several incredible years discovering who I am, loving myself, accepting myself, I learned to trust again, and I found love with my husband that I've been married to for 11 years this last July.
• 15:01
  Shane Adamson: Wow, Carmen, that was so courageous of you to be vulnerable and let people know you had a struggle and you didn't feel lovable for a period of time in your life.
• 15:12
  Shane Adamson: And then you did some work to kind of shout down those negative messages.
• 15:17
  Shane Adamson: It sounds like you suffered some emotional abuse.
• 15:19
  Shane Adamson: I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm really grateful for the courage that you had to move forward and heal from that.
• 15:27
  Shane Adamson: And now you've developed a new love story with a new man, and are you feeling more lovable?
• 15:33
  Carmen Hecox: Oh yeah, totally.
• 15:34
  Carmen Hecox: my husband reminds me every day, when I have my low, that I am lovable and I'm needed.
• 15:42
  Shane Adamson: That's great.
• 15:43
  Shane Adamson: I would say that on a personal note, my mom and dad divorced and my dad cheated on my mom, and so it was a betrayal story and my mom stayed single for 10 years and her number one character trait she was looking for in a man was someone with integrity because she felt my dad had kind of been so two sided.
• 16:06
  Shane Adamson: There was a part of him that was loving and nice, and there was a part of him that was deceptive, and so she didn't want that ever again in her life.
• 16:14
  Shane Adamson: And so, yeah, that, that was a, a story of my mom's recovery of kind of, I don't know if feeling unlovable, but kind of trusting and wanting to feel secure in who she was with, if that person was real and authentic.
• 16:31
  Carmen Hecox: I know that, we've talked about comparison for example, when we go on vacation, I compare myself to other women.
• 16:39
  Carmen Hecox: I think they look amazing.
• 16:41
  Carmen Hecox: I wish I could look like them, and I start to develop guilt, I say, I should have worked out a little bit harder.
• 16:47
  Carmen Hecox: I knew I was going on vacation.
• 16:49
  Carmen Hecox: I should have, stuck to my diet.
• 16:51
  Carmen Hecox: But then, my husband brings me right out because I feel love from him.
• 16:56
  Carmen Hecox: I tell myself, stop comparing yourself and I can get back on, try all over again, and I'm healthy and I know I look fantastic.
• 17:09
  Shane Adamson: Yeah.
• 17:11
  Shane Adamson: You know, Carmen, you're vulnerable again.
• 17:13
  Shane Adamson: Sharing how comparison has been a battle for yourself.
• 17:16
  Shane Adamson: I, battle comparison, like I'll sometimes tune into the websites of other therapists and if they have like more therapists or they have more programs or their website is nicer or looks better than I start to feel less than.
• 17:30
  Shane Adamson: And, I really there's a phrase that I read that would stay in your own lane, and the backstory to that is basically two Olympic swimmers are really side by side, and one swimmer kind of paused his stroke to look to see if he was ahead or behind his opponent.
• 17:50
  Shane Adamson: And the experts believe that that little pause cost him the race.
• 17:54
  Shane Adamson: And so the problem with comparison in my eyes is you'll always find someone that's above you may be more beautiful, more successful, and you'll also find people below you.
• 18:06
  Shane Adamson: And so there's a risk of pride, of thinking you're better than others, or there's that feeling that you're not enough.
• 18:12
  Shane Adamson: And so staying in your lane and just, I guess at the end of the day, the most important validation is just saying, Hey, whatever was done or left undone, I'm still lovable.
• 18:25
  Shane Adamson: I'm good.
• 18:26
  Shane Adamson: And maybe just have that be your guide.
• 18:29
  Shane Adamson: It's okay to just look, but if you dwell too much on comparing, there's a risk of, I'm just kind of going into a darker emotional place.
• 18:39
  Carmen Hecox: Exactly, yeah.
• 18:41
  Carmen Hecox: I know that, you had talked about anatomy of, low confidence.
• 18:46
  Carmen Hecox: Can you talk a little bit more about that?
• 18:50
  Shane Adamson: So as a counselor, you gotta realize that I'm dealing with people that are battling with depression or anxiety and that one of the symptoms of, mental health is like low confidence with a lot of these mental health conditions.
• 19:04
  Shane Adamson: And so I've come to believe that life wounds related with other people, I call them attachment wounds or relationship wounds, are probably the biggest, impact on our mental health and on our confidence.
• 19:20
  Shane Adamson: And so I've identified about six that are really common.
• 19:25
  Shane Adamson: You want me to explore those for your listeners?
• 19:27
  Carmen Hecox: Sure, Please
• 19:29
  Shane Adamson: So I'm gonna go to my notes here.
• 19:31
  Shane Adamson: So, if someone experienced rejection, so I want you to think of all the different ways rejection could happen.
• 19:38
  Shane Adamson: It could happen, with a family member being cold to you at a barbecue or a social, and you could be feeling like they don't like you being excluded from a group.
• 19:48
  Shane Adamson: You know, suddenly someone says, oh, you're not welcome here.
• 19:51
  Shane Adamson: Or you may notice on social media a party in the neighborhood and you are not included, but you know, most of the people.
• 19:58
  Shane Adamson: And so you, a little story inside of yourself is, are they rejecting me or do they forget me?
• 20:03
  Shane Adamson: And so I had a deeper rejection wound in my life where, a business partner he and I had went about four or five years in business and it was going quite well.
• 20:12
  Shane Adamson: Decided he didn't want to be in business with me anymore, and there wasn't anything ethical or problematic.
• 20:17
  Shane Adamson: It was just personality challenges between the two of us.
• 20:20
  Shane Adamson: And so for each of us to grow in the ways we needed to, we parted ways, but it was a a triple loss because I was really friends with all the peers in that office and he owned the office.
• 20:30
  Shane Adamson: I had to buy him out of the business, which was a financial loss.
• 20:34
  Shane Adamson: And then there was kind of this starting over.
• 20:36
  Shane Adamson: And so I'll be honest, my confidence was in a lower place until I could unpack that wound of rejection.
• 20:44
  Shane Adamson: So that's one so rejection.
• 20:47
  Shane Adamson: And I already talked a little bit about loss when I mentioned rejection, but think of losing a job or a friend moving, or many clients after divorce kind of lose their confidence in love.
• 20:59
  Shane Adamson: Think of betrayal so, of the 15 couples I'm counseling right now.
• 21:04
  Shane Adamson: I'd say half of them are dealing with infidelity, or cheating, or discovery of some inappropriate relationship outside of the marriage.
• 21:12
  Shane Adamson: And so the betrayed spouse is disoriented and angry and sad and fearful about the future.
• 21:21
  Shane Adamson: So betrayal can come in the form of like, that's a biggie right there, or, more simple things like breaking a promise or someone being deceitful, a coworker taking credit for something that you did.
• 21:33
  Shane Adamson: So that's some examples of betrayal.
• 21:36
  Shane Adamson: There's just three more, so let's hang in here.
• 21:38
  Shane Adamson: Neglect, think of you come home from a hard day's work and you're excited to tell your your partner, and while you're telling your story of your day, your partner's on the phone maybe checking email and you don't feel heard.
• 21:54
  Shane Adamson: You feel a little neglected or going into a party and it seems like you're not included in conversations and you feel invisible.
• 22:03
  Shane Adamson: And then there's just two more abandon.
• 22:07
  Shane Adamson: If someone that you're really close to and you feel like you have a great connection, just suddenly stops talking to you and you like send a text or some other messages and they don't respond, that's a feeling of abandonment or, I kind of think of.
• 22:22
  Shane Adamson: Like, I had one client who a big theme of her life was she didn't, her dad left before she was even born.
• 22:31
  Shane Adamson: So her abandonment happened even pre-birth.
• 22:33
  Shane Adamson: And she always wondered in her mind, what, what if my life been like if I had, a dad who encouraged me and was it the important milestones or crossroads of my life?
• 22:43
  Shane Adamson: And so that would be what we call complicated grief because it's really easy for people to say, oh, but, you didn't have that, so just smile and be happy.
• 22:51
  Shane Adamson: But it hurt she couldn't, she was like, I think my life would've been different if I had a dad who was loving on me and I didn't have that.
• 22:59
  Shane Adamson: And that's a loss and an abandonment.
• 23:01
  Shane Adamson: And the last one, we most of us know someone, or we ourselves, have experienced some emotional, physical, or sexual harm that someone caused.
• 23:11
  Shane Adamson: And so those are very complicated wounds.
• 23:14
  Shane Adamson: So I guess.
• 23:16
  Shane Adamson: The anatomy of low confidence would be having many of these relationship wounds that I just named pile on top of each other, and then we start to feel less confident and less than, and just maybe a little more guarded and and not willing to kind of just put ourselves out there.
• 23:34
  Shane Adamson: Is that helpful?
• 23:36
  Carmen Hecox: That's very helpful.
• 23:37
  Carmen Hecox: But let's say for example, you or me, or one of the listeners, have experienced several of those areas that you just identified.
• 23:47
  Carmen Hecox: There is a way out, isn't there?
• 23:50
  Carmen Hecox: What kind of steps can they take to get out?
• 23:55
  Shane Adamson: One, one of the favorite sayings in therapy is it's not the wounds of our life that harm us, but the stories we tell ourself.
• 24:04
  Shane Adamson: And so let's just kind of take the example of betrayal.
• 24:11
  Shane Adamson: So a woman could have some of these negative beliefs.
• 24:17
  Shane Adamson: If I was more attractive or more sexual with my partner or maybe a more pleasant personality, he wouldn't have cheated.
• 24:24
  Shane Adamson: But the research tells us that.
• 24:27
  Shane Adamson: At least on the men who cheat a significant majority, they have a sexually active sex life and the husband's just selfish and just kind of being immature, basically.
• 24:42
  Shane Adamson: Now there might be some, you know, what, what do you call those?
• 24:45
  Shane Adamson: Like those few obscure places where maybe a man feels sexually starved.
• 24:50
  Shane Adamson: But even in those cases, a more mature thing to do is say, let's go to therapy to get our intimacy back.
• 24:56
  Shane Adamson: So a woman who has these negative core beliefs that they're not enough in some way, need to challenge those beliefs and say, I am enough and this was my husband's choice and this was selfish on his part, and I'm not gonna believe that I was not enough anymore.
• 25:14
  Shane Adamson: And so it comes to challenging the negative beliefs.
• 25:17
  Shane Adamson: That's probably the first part.
• 25:20
  Shane Adamson: And then, I've kind of developed some other tools and resources for your audience, just based on some stories of clients of mine that have gone through hard things that kind of help them through that.
• 25:33
  Shane Adamson: Do you want to hear more about those things?
• 25:36
  Carmen Hecox: Please.
• 25:36
  Carmen Hecox: Yes.
• 25:37
  Shane Adamson: Okay, so the one story is this woman who had lost, I think a 20 or 21 year old daughter to a tragic accident, and she just went into this deep despair.
• 25:50
  Shane Adamson: And so it was more complicated than just low confidence.
• 25:53
  Shane Adamson: It was like not functioning, isolating, and she was in her house and not really engaging with people that were trying to engage her.
• 26:02
  Shane Adamson: And someone told her, if she wanted to get rid of the feeling of hopelessness and despairs, she had to have deeper connections in her life.
• 26:11
  Shane Adamson: So she focused on connecting first with her family, and then she gradually got the courage to connect to her community like at volunteering, whether that be at a school or a church, and then connecting to her higher power.
• 26:26
  Shane Adamson: And you know, there are some people that are religious that might get that from a church and other people might get that from kind of like going into nature and mindfulness.
• 26:36
  Shane Adamson: But she connected to her higher power and then her true self.
• 26:39
  Shane Adamson: And as she started to put herself out there.
• 26:42
  Shane Adamson: Connection suddenly brought light into her life and that despair started to fade.
• 26:47
  Shane Adamson: So I would say connecting to yourself, to connecting to your higher power, your community, and your family and friends, would be one really important resource.
• 26:59
  Carmen Hecox: Perfect.
• 27:00
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah.
• 27:01
  Carmen Hecox: I noticed that you, earlier on in the podcast you talked about a thermometer metaphor.
• 27:08
  Carmen Hecox: You talked about high, medium, and cold.
• 27:10
  Carmen Hecox: Can we talk a little bit more about that?
• 27:13
  Shane Adamson: So, a colleague and a friend, Mark Bird came up with this idea of, if you were to visualize a kind of one of those old style thermometers, not the ones that just say 72 degrees, it's red and it's got the mercury in it.
• 27:30
  Shane Adamson: And so most of us like our home temperature to be 72 to 74 degrees.
• 27:35
  Shane Adamson: So let's just say the emotions of 72 to 74 degrees is peace, joy, contentment, happiness, and that's where we wanna live our lives most of the time, right?
• 27:46
  Shane Adamson: But in life, because there is pain and suffering and stress sometimes, we get flooded, and so jealousy could flood us.
• 27:56
  Shane Adamson: Anger could flood us.
• 27:58
  Shane Adamson: Bitterness or resentment could flood us.
• 28:00
  Shane Adamson: And think of a car that gets overheated.
• 28:03
  Shane Adamson: What do we, what would you do if your car was overheated, Carmen?
• 28:08
  Carmen Hecox: You'd have to pull over, otherwise you're in for a new car or major repair bills.
• 28:14
  Shane Adamson: Yeah, you'll melt the engine if you keep driving a car that's overheating.
• 28:18
  Shane Adamson: And humans, sometimes even when they're overheated, just keep driving.
• 28:22
  Shane Adamson: But you, you hit the nail on the head that like, when we're flooded, we need to like kind of take a time out.
• 28:28
  Shane Adamson: You're not gonna have as much wisdom or clarity about yourself or your life.
• 28:33
  Shane Adamson: And if you even try to communicate with your spouse, sometimes you can't even listen to them or get your words out in a helpful way.
• 28:41
  Shane Adamson: It might be more critical or negative or venting.
• 28:44
  Shane Adamson: And so the first tool is like taking timeouts.
• 28:48
  Shane Adamson: And then the other warning that I would say is I put these emotions into the freezing zone.
• 28:54
  Shane Adamson: So this would be really cold temperatures like 32 and below.
• 28:58
  Shane Adamson: And it could be overwhelm, it could be stress, and instead of being flooded and hot, we choose to escape and numb.
• 29:12
  Shane Adamson: And so we all have our favorite ways of escaping and numbing.
• 29:15
  Shane Adamson: Some people have a Netflix marathon.
• 29:18
  Shane Adamson: Some people maybe overspend on Amazon and someone else might overeat.
• 29:24
  Shane Adamson: Someone might drink.
• 29:25
  Shane Adamson: I have some guys who go into porn as escapism.
• 29:28
  Shane Adamson: So basically we have unhealthy ways to escape and not feel, but part of life is sitting through hard emotions and finding more healthy coping.
• 29:40
  Shane Adamson: So the thermometer is just a tool that I love for emotional regulation to try to not, no, and escape, take timeouts when we're flooded so that we can live more in room temperature.
• 29:54
  Shane Adamson: Is that helpful?
• 29:55
  Carmen Hecox: That's very helpful.
• 29:57
  Carmen Hecox: I know that when we talked before you talked about that, lady who had lost her child, you talked about community.
• 30:04
  Carmen Hecox: So is that kind of the same as like an accountability group or something?
• 30:09
  Shane Adamson: Yeah.
• 30:10
  Shane Adamson: actually just before I get to the accountability group idea, I wanna bring up one other emotion and it's, it's the emotion of shame.
• 30:19
  Shane Adamson: and I just wanna explain to your listeners the difference between guilt and shame.
• 30:24
  Shane Adamson: So guilt is actually more of a healthy emotion because guilt prompts us to make amends or say, sorry, we feel this pain in our heart, that we did something wrong and we wanna make it right.
• 30:38
  Shane Adamson: But shame, what we've studied about shame is that it's toxic, and when we feel shame, this is a quote by Brene Brown who is just a famous researcher on shame.
• 30:48
  Shane Adamson: She said, the reason most people who walk the earth are very medicated and addicted, and overweight is because of toxic shame.
• 30:58
  Shane Adamson: When we feel crummy about ourselves, we go to a banana nut muffin and a beer.
• 31:03
  Shane Adamson: Or if that's not your beverage choice, wine and cheese or something to just kind of soothe.
• 31:09
  Shane Adamson: And I believe that shame leads a lot of people to shrink in their confidence and it, and there's some, usually some negative messages.
• 31:19
  Shane Adamson: Another favorite idea about shame is, do you remember the show gremlins?
• 31:23
  Shane Adamson: I don't know if you watched those little critters that are in the kitchen causing havoc with the microwave?
• 31:30
  Shane Adamson: Well, they tried to pour water on the gremlins and gremlins grew like it, that made them multiply.
• 31:37
  Shane Adamson: And so I do believe shame could be compared to this little negative self-taught gremlin within us.
• 31:44
  Shane Adamson: If we don't talk about it and deal with it, it grows and gets bigger.
• 31:48
  Shane Adamson: And the bigger shame gets, the more we shrink in our confidence and the more we're gonna kind of numb and escape and self-sooth and not the most healthy way.
• 31:57
  Shane Adamson: So I just wanted.
• 31:59
  Shane Adamson: Put that little plug in and you could get any Brene Brown's books to understand shame and, uh, but I'm, I'm ready to cross over then into kind of discussing the importance of accountability groups.
• 32:10
  Shane Adamson: So, let me see here.
• 32:13
  Shane Adamson: I'm gonna share a story about my wife because it's a good story about confidence.
• 32:18
  Shane Adamson: So my wife has been a stay home homemaker.
• 32:21
  Shane Adamson: I didn't impose that on her.
• 32:22
  Shane Adamson: She did work in a salon cuz she has a cosmetology degree.
• 32:26
  Shane Adamson: But then once the kids came, she wanted to be home with the kids and now we have an 18 year old, she's finally saying, hey, I'm ready to go back into the career.
• 32:36
  Shane Adamson: And she's choosing portrait photography, but.
• 32:39
  Shane Adamson: because of some of her attachment wounds of, she's had some real angry people kind of yell at her.
• 32:48
  Shane Adamson: And that traumatized her.
• 32:50
  Shane Adamson: She had some childhood experiences with her parents with anger, and so she just doesn't like angry people.
• 32:56
  Shane Adamson: And so she has this little fear that someone won't, like the pictures will yell at her.
• 33:02
  Shane Adamson: And so she formed an accountability group.
• 33:05
  Shane Adamson: And I would say it's much more comprehensive than just overcoming anger.
• 33:10
  Shane Adamson: There was some fears of like launching her website and there were fears around.
• 33:18
  Shane Adamson: Business and she would get overwhelmed with appointments or accounting.
• 33:21
  Shane Adamson: And so in this accountability group, they talk about posing, they do role plays about your first consultation and how you would talk to people and she would actually practice with members in her group and they would say, hey, you did great, but you were on a script and you need to let me talk a little bit you know?
• 33:40
  Shane Adamson: Cause she was like so scripted and cuz she's anxious and the more she's on script and the less anxious she is.
• 33:46
  Shane Adamson: But anyhow, so in this accountability group, she confided in me.
• 33:50
  Shane Adamson: She says, guess what?
• 33:51
  Shane Adamson: I love my accountability group so much.
• 33:54
  Shane Adamson: I'm still scared as heck to launch, but, I can't let'em down, and they're starting to launch and I'm feeling left behind and I don't wanna be left behind because they've helped me and I've helped them.
• 34:05
  Shane Adamson: And I don't want them to think that their help didn't work But I, I would say when I went through this retreat at Finding Peace, I set some personal goals for my physical health, mental, emotional, but I typically, if you think of New Year's resolutions, the number one reason that they are kind of off and done by late January or mid-February latest, is we don't have accountability groups and we don't have people to encourage us.
• 34:35
  Shane Adamson: So left to our own devices will make excuses or say this was, an unrealistic goal and, uh, but accountability groups have a way of carrying you to when you're struggling with motivation or confidence.
• 34:49
  Shane Adamson: So I really believe in accountability groups being really powerful.
• 34:53
  Carmen Hecox: I think that's a really great suggestion and I know that, we all have people in our lives that we love, and in some case, consider them our own personal support group.
• 35:02
  Carmen Hecox: But I wanted to ask you, what's the difference between an accountability partner group and people that may be enabling you?
• 35:11
  Shane Adamson: Oh, interesting.
• 35:13
  Shane Adamson: Um, well, Accountability partner is just like one person.
• 35:22
  Shane Adamson: It could be a family member, it could be your spouse, it could be a friend that you feel like they have the personality to call out your BS.
• 35:30
  Shane Adamson: And so you just ask, will you be my accountability partner for this goal?
• 35:35
  Shane Adamson: I'm gonna try to lose weight.
• 35:37
  Shane Adamson: I'm gonna save money, whatever the goal is.
• 35:39
  Shane Adamson: A group you just get the synergy of multiple personalities and each one has a different strength and there'll probably be one or two people in the group that annoy you, but that's good practice to deal with annoying people and maybe you're the annoying one to someone else and they have to deal with you.
• 35:56
  Shane Adamson: But, uh, uh, enabling, I kind of look at enabling is someone who's kind of afraid and so they put on this little victim fearful persona so that a rescuer will come in and help them.
• 36:15
  Shane Adamson: But they know inside that they're not growing But it feels good to have someone rescue them and help them through it.
• 36:23
  Shane Adamson: But if they're really honest with themselves, they know that they need to stop doing the little messaging out to the rescuers in their life to just let me do this on my own.
• 36:34
  Shane Adamson: But if you really are insecure, you're probably going to just keep being a victim as long as rescuers will show up, does that make sense?
• 36:43
  Carmen Hecox: Yeah, that makes sense.
• 36:43
  Carmen Hecox: Cause I always think when you're forming a support group or something, maybe you might not wanna form that support group with your mom because she might say, oh, here, let me, she might play the mama bear and rescue you.
• 36:55
  Shane Adamson: Oh yeah.
• 36:57
  Shane Adamson: Interesting.
• 36:57
  Shane Adamson: Yeah.
• 36:57
  Shane Adamson: You wanna be careful in who you choose in your, in your groups.
• 37:01
  Shane Adamson: Yeah.
• 37:02
  Carmen Hecox: Oh, perfect.
• 37:03
  Carmen Hecox: Oh, we have touched on so many topics here.
• 37:06
  Carmen Hecox: Shane, thank you so much for Coming onto the show.
• 37:09
  Carmen Hecox: Please let our listeners know the name of your podcast and when each episode is released.
• 37:16
  Shane Adamson: So if you look on any of the major platforms, so Google Podcast, apple, and many of the smaller name podcast hosts and search for Help For Loving Relationships.
• 37:28
  Shane Adamson: Two episodes a month are released and they're on Tuesdays.
• 37:33
  Shane Adamson: And so we've covered a variety of topics.
• 37:36
  Shane Adamson: This last year I just counted, we're around 22 episodes and I just need to record two more to complete my content calendar for this year, and so I'm excited to have the first year under my belt coming up in the next few months.
• 37:51
  Carmen Hecox: Perfect.
• 37:52
  Carmen Hecox: Where can people learn more about you.
• 37:54
  Carmen Hecox: And do you have a website or a Facebook page that people can follow you?
• 37:59
  Shane Adamson: People can search Center for Marriage and Family Counseling, and the short acronym for that is CMFC.
• 38:06
  Shane Adamson: CMFC Dallas.
• 38:07
  Shane Adamson: and in your show notes, I'll provide my bio and contact info and my, handles for my social media.
• 38:15
  Shane Adamson: But, thanks for thinking of me and right during this post pandemic, a lot of mental health and relationship problems are alive and well.
• 38:23
  Shane Adamson: And so most therapists are pretty swamped.
• 38:26
  Carmen Hecox: Exactly.
• 38:27
  Carmen Hecox: I will include all this amazing information in the show notes along with your information.
• 38:32
  Carmen Hecox: Thanks again for coming out on the show.
• 38:34
  Carmen Hecox: This has been so much fun.
• 38:37
  Carmen Hecox: I believe that this show will be probably my most listened to show, and I will have to have you back on.
• 38:45
  Shane Adamson: You're so kind.
• 38:46
  Shane Adamson: Thank you, Carmen.
• 38:47
  Shane Adamson: It's been a delight to be with you.
• 38:49
  Carmen Hecox: Likewise.
• 38:50
  Wow.
• 38:50
  That was an incredibly informative and valuable conversation with Shane.
• 38:55
  I know I took a lot away from it, especially when it comes to understanding how challenging negative beliefs can help you build yourself confidence.
• 39:05
  So it's time to put that knowledge into action.
• 39:08
  I challenge you to connect with others and build a support system, whether you live by yourself or with someone it's important to have a group of people who can understand and support you in your journey to building your self-confidence.
• 39:23
  Schedule a weekly or biweekly non-negotiable standing meeting to connect and discuss your progress.
• 39:31
  And be sure to download Shane's tools for understanding and managing emotions.
• 39:37
  And check out all the resources available at createthebestme.com/Ep003.
• 39:47
  If you're in the Dallas area, don't hesitate to contact Shane directly and schedule an appointment.
• 39:52
  And don't forget to share this episode with your friends and family who might benefit from the information shared.
• 39:59
  And if you want to be the first to know when a new episode is released, head on over to createthebestme.com and sign up to receive those notifications.
• 40:09
  Tune in next time for a three-step process to gaining clarity and empower your life's purpose.
• 40:19
  Until next time.
• 40:20
  Take care.
• 40:22
  Have a fantastic day.