Latest / Besties In Your Back Pocket / 1. How Do You Create Healthy Relationships After You've Been Hurt? with Relationship Expert Emily Gough

Transcript

1. How Do You Create Healthy Relationships After You've Been Hurt? with Relationship Expert Emily Gough · Besties In Your Back Pocket

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Wise woman.
0:01
SPEAKER_00: Wise woman.
0:02
SPEAKER_04: You know, I've never needed it, but I'm convinced that the one time I don't do it is the time I will need it.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: I had one one it happened one time and it was a big name guest.
0:11
SPEAKER_00: No! And just once.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: And I was so apologetic, and he came on and did it again.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: Stop! Like, shut the fuck up.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you are a fucking angel sent from heaven.
0:23
unknown: Wow.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, yeah, that was horrifying.
0:29
SPEAKER_04: I feel like just imagine that like pit in your stomach feeling of like, no, no, no, no.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: Yes, absolutely.
0:35
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I do not wish to repeat that.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
0:42
SPEAKER_04: Again, we're gonna be though.
0:44
SPEAKER_04: We got the back one camera.
0:46
SPEAKER_04: We're already.
0:47
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we have double whammy.
0:51
SPEAKER_03: I don't like watermelon early.
0:56
SPEAKER_00: Adorable.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: Love it.
0:57
SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh.
0:58
SPEAKER_03: These girls are awesome.
1:00
SPEAKER_03: This one.
1:01
SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, yes.
1:04
SPEAKER_03: It's so true.
1:05
SPEAKER_03: It's so true.
1:07
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh.
1:08
SPEAKER_04: Alright.
1:09
SPEAKER_04: Welcome everyone today.
1:11
SPEAKER_04: This is Best is in your back pocket.
1:13
SPEAKER_04: And today we have an incredible guest.
1:14
SPEAKER_04: We have Emily here.
1:15
SPEAKER_04: She's a relationship host.
1:17
SPEAKER_04: She's also a podcast host and just a radiant woman.
1:20
SPEAKER_04: I mean, if you're watching this episode, you already know.
1:24
SPEAKER_04: And if you're listening to it, you probably want to go watch it.
1:26
SPEAKER_04: Because I was just literally in awe.
1:28
SPEAKER_04: That's so much that I had to say.
1:29
SPEAKER_04: Uh you're very radiant, so you know.
1:32
SPEAKER_04: I need to get that out of the air.
1:34
SPEAKER_04: But anyways, whether you're single or dating or you know, you're just like, I'm a human being and I interact with other people and I have relationships in my life.
1:42
SPEAKER_04: There's gonna be so much juiciness in this episode for you.
1:48
SPEAKER_03: Thank you so much for coming on.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: This is such a delight.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited.
1:53
SPEAKER_00: We've been having so much fun already.
1:55
SPEAKER_04: I mean, like literally just pressed record.
1:57
SPEAKER_04: It's so good.
2:02
SPEAKER_03: What would you say is like the most asked question you get in this field?
2:07
SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's a that's actually a really good question.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: Um I think a lot of times it's how to get through heartbreak.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
2:14
SPEAKER_00: And how to trust again.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: Those are the big ones.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: Okay, how do you do it?
2:18
SPEAKER_00: Like ultimately, even if people yes, legit.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: Even if people don't ask like that exact question, usually when you get underneath the layers, that's what they're really asking.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: Is like how to move through heartbreak and and make the pain stop, basically.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: And how to ever open to trust again.
2:34
SPEAKER_00: So I well, you actually asked about my personal story before we jumped on.
2:38
SPEAKER_00: So I can I can just jump in with that.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: So I can't remember if you've heard this or not.
2:42
SPEAKER_00: Um I can't remember if I shared this with you or not.
2:45
SPEAKER_00: So I many, many years ago, uh was 2018, I had just left my corporate job and been in the corporate job for in the corporate world for like 11 years, completely different field.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: Um, I have a psychology degree, criminal justice degree, like all of the things, but ended up in a completely different field again.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: And then I had gone back to school to do holistic nutrition.
3:06
SPEAKER_00: I was starting to do that on my own and uh go to my own.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: And I'd been living with my partner of nine years, my partner at the time of nine years.
3:15
SPEAKER_00: And in Christm uh Christmas Eve of 2018, um his previous, I thought, previous girlfriend came banging down our door to let me know that she had like the two of them had been having an affair off and on for the entire nine years from day one.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: Ow.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I didn't tell you that.
3:33
SPEAKER_03: I couldn't remember my show.
3:36
SPEAKER_04: Tell me that!
3:37
SPEAKER_03: No.
3:37
SPEAKER_03: Where is this going?
3:39
SPEAKER_03: How to get over heartbreak is is where we're is where we're going.
3:43
SPEAKER_03: This is coming from a woman who has walked through the trenches herself.
3:47
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, wow, so cool.
3:49
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: So I also found out that he had had a secret house less than 200 yards from our driving.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: No! For years, like several other years.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: No, it was it was but she had she went there often, and it it was a whole double life situation.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, and literally right under my nose.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: It was like me.
4:09
SPEAKER_01: Right under my nose and exclaimed.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: So I ended the relationship.
4:14
SPEAKER_00: Needless to say.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: You know, not everyone would though.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: You know what, no, no, and you know what?
4:20
SPEAKER_00: I had a I had a moment for like a day or so where I was questioning it.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, legit, kids, you know, I I had imagined an entire life with this person.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: I spent almost a decade with this person.
4:29
SPEAKER_00: And if it hadn't blown up in the exact way that it had, I still would have found ways to trust him and override my own instincts.
4:36
SPEAKER_00: Why?
4:37
SPEAKER_00: Because for one thing, I didn't want to be that woman.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: I think that they so often how we show up in relationships comes down to core identity, and I could not identify with being the woman who was cheated on, who accepted being lied to, who could possibly have this much just this much deception going on right under her nose, and ignore her intuition and abandon herself to such a degree that she ended up in that position.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:05
SPEAKER_00: So that was actually the ultimate betrayal, was how I had so badly betrayed myself.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: Because people ask me, they they would say for years afterwards, well, did you know?
5:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, sure.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Looking back, there were red flags.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: She was a hot topic in our relationship.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: There would be issues where I would be like, things are this is weird.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: Like there's like weird things happening that don't make sense and don't quite jive.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: And I just kept sweeping my own anxiety underneath the rug.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: And I could go into a long list of physical symptoms that were starting to build as well, including like irregular periods and like things that and things that regulated immediately as soon as I ended the relationship.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: It was like a fog of anxiety lifted that I didn't even know I was living in.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: Like it was wild.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: Like the physiological symptoms that I think show up for so many people are significant and they get ignored.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: Our bodies talk to us.
6:00
SPEAKER_00: And also we can fall into believing the stories that our brains tell ourselves, because it's a fine line, right?
6:08
SPEAKER_00: We can also believe all the stories that our brain starts jumping to in anxiety, and then make that true in our body without ever questioning it, too.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: So it is a fine line, and this is also another really common question is what's the difference between intuition and anxiety?
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: I'll get I'll get to that because we we need to get to heartbreak first.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: So yes.
6:30
SPEAKER_00: So heartbreak.
6:31
SPEAKER_00: So I I was shattered, but I I uh I said we need to sell the house, you know, we're selling the house, and I'm going to Bali.
6:40
SPEAKER_03: Oh my so cliche.
6:44
SPEAKER_03: Like total Epre love.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my god, like yes, this is the situation.
6:50
SPEAKER_00: So I got rid of almost everything I owned, sold the house, got rid of my car.
6:54
SPEAKER_00: Six months later, when our house was closing, I then uh packed a single suitcase and went to Bali.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: And I actually was only gonna be be there for six months and then just or six weeks and then just travel around for six months, and I ended up just falling in love with it and stayed.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, which often happens.
7:11
SPEAKER_00: And the first thing I did was hire a relationship coach because I was already planning for a relationship that didn't yet exist.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: I was looking down the road and I was like, I I refuse to allow this to color my my entire life and how I view people, how I relate to people, and to have this have so much power over me that I can't move past it and trust anyone again.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: And this is the thing that I tell people with heartbreak is especially a betrayal.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, take that trusting piece of your heart.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: This is literally what I said to myself.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: Take that trusting piece of your heart and protect it like your life depends on it, because your quality of life will depend on your ability to trust other humans.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: It will.
7:55
SPEAKER_00: It absolutely will.
7:56
SPEAKER_00: You cannot, I feel, have a beautiful, happy, fulfilling quality of life if you can't trust people.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: You just can't.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: And you get to gain discernment through these moments of betrayal and to figure out who you can trust, who you maybe you should not put quite as much trust in, and most of all, how to trust yourself.
8:15
SPEAKER_04: Oh, totally.
8:17
SPEAKER_04: I was thinking, I was like, that must have been a whole huge part of the journey is how do I trust myself again?
8:22
SPEAKER_04: I got back to this whole nine-year relationship.
8:24
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
8:25
SPEAKER_04: And at the end of it, I'm like, oh my god, you must have had a serious, big whammy.
8:30
SPEAKER_04: Can I ever trust myself again?
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because like ignoring so many symptoms and everything else, like things that were right in front of me.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: How could I possibly trust my own judgment of human again?
8:41
SPEAKER_00: So that really was the biggest key to it.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: But having support with that was also really needed and helpful.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: And of course, in Bali, there's all kinds of beautiful healing modalities and stuff like that.
8:53
SPEAKER_00: And and that is not the be all and all.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: I will just say that.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Like, they're all beautiful gifts, but at some point you come out of the bubble, and real world is going to hit you again no matter what.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: And I also really believe that we heal relationally, we heal in relationship.
9:10
SPEAKER_04: Yes, like there's only so much healing you can do, and like you know, I think it is necessary to be like, like I was in a relationship for 11 years, and then straight from that a year and a half, and I said, Wow, I've not been single in 13 years.
9:21
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
9:21
SPEAKER_04: I should probably heal up by myself for a little bit, yeah.
9:24
SPEAKER_04: Eventually, you get to have that mirror of oh, I'm now you get to poke little things that I don't even get to look at when I'm by myself.
9:32
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, like it's a repattern.
9:34
SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is what relationship can feel like and look like, and all these things.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: You absolutely have to have both.
9:38
SPEAKER_00: And I am I'm a big fan of people having their alone time.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: Like, you need to be able to be by yourself and to be okay with being by yourself and to enjoy being by yourself.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: And there will reach a point that that perhaps becomes your protective mechanism where you're not opening to let anyone in because it's really fucking vulnerable.
9:58
SPEAKER_03: Oh, totally.
9:59
SPEAKER_03: This is so eye-opening because shocker, I said to Amy, I was like, you know, each person that comes on, it's gonna be really synchronistic.
10:09
SPEAKER_03: My whole tripping, I've been like, how do I open my heart back up?
10:14
SPEAKER_03: I've been doing so much betrayal.
10:16
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
10:16
SPEAKER_03: Uh hello.
10:18
SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
10:20
SPEAKER_03: I I didn't know relationship coaches could help with betrayal.
10:25
SPEAKER_03: So I've been working with somatic coaches.
10:29
SPEAKER_03: And I think you just showed me what the next stepping stone is.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: And look, there's there's a beautiful like somatic coaches and stuff too, somatic therapists, like incredible, incredible, because so much like takes place in the body, and it's I I always believe it's like you know, how do how do I get as well-rounded an approach to healing as possible?
10:52
SPEAKER_00: And like learning from different people and different modalities and stuff.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: There is such beauty in that.
10:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
10:58
SPEAKER_00: So I would love to hear from you.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: Like, what is it, if you're open to sharing right now, that is so what is stopping you from reopening your heart?
11:09
SPEAKER_03: Um, I think it's like a lack of knowledge.
11:12
SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm doing the work, and my intention is for my heart to be open, and then I just seem to have these programs or what I would call habits, where I'm like, whoa, if I retrace and journal what happened, totally close my heart, but I just don't notice it in the present moment.
11:29
SPEAKER_03: And I would say that this pattern came from attempting my first ever, like, truly an ethical, monogamous relationship, and I got cheated on in it.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm so sorry.
11:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
11:48
SPEAKER_03: It's painful, it's really painful.
11:50
unknown: Yeah.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: I didn't even go to Bali after, so you're an Asheville, that's like the North American equivalent.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: It's so true.
12:03
SPEAKER_00: Asheville or Austin are like the Northware equivalent.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm I'm curious.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: Do you is it that you want to open your heart now, or do you feel like you should?
12:21
SPEAKER_00: I want to.
12:22
SPEAKER_00: You do want to.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: That's an important question.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: It is.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: It is.
12:26
SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes I think like in the there's so much uh like feminine healing type of things going on in in the space, like the you know, social media and stuff, where it's just like open your heart and just be soft and like all the things.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yeah, and the feminine is also fucking fierce and wild, and it needs to be all of the above.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: And to do that, it has to come from an embodied place.
12:51
SPEAKER_00: And I think that it can be very easy to see the cultural ideal held up of the the relationship, right?
13:00
SPEAKER_00: The one, the soulmate, all the things, and then to be striving for that and might not actually necessarily be ready for it.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: Or you might not necessarily want that.
13:11
SPEAKER_00: I I ended up in a nine-year relationship because I did the white pick of fence life.
13:15
SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh yeah, like buy the house, like do that.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: And I did some things backwards, like we weren't married yet.
13:19
SPEAKER_01: Right.
13:20
unknown: Luckily.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: Um it's also important to like really, really look at that.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and to to listen to the wisdom that your body's giving you too.
13:34
SPEAKER_03: So then when you check with uh clients or prospects around that, if they're like, you know, I guess I just thought I should, then do you redirect them or is that also part of the process in relational coaching?
13:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sometimes it can, it's it's more a question of are you also searching for a relationship because you're trying to avoid being alone?
13:57
SPEAKER_00: And using that as like, again, another defense mechanism because sometimes it's actually very easy to hide in relationships, but the the true healthy relationships, there is no fucking hiding, and they are actually scarier and far more vulnerable and more intense than the unhealthy relationships in a lot of dynamics because it's very easy to hide in there because you don't have to really show yourself.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: So true.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: I did not fully show my former partner all of me because I never really fully trusted him.
14:28
SPEAKER_00: And that was also a reflection of how little it trusted me.
14:31
unknown: Yeah.
14:33
SPEAKER_04: Only like show how safe you feel.
14:35
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
14:35
SPEAKER_04: And like if you don't feel safe, you're just gonna Yeah.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: So it's really looking at like where are are you are you feeling really good with you?
14:46
SPEAKER_00: And like, how can you build a healthy, beautiful, fulfilling life that you are really excited about?
14:53
SPEAKER_00: Like booked and busy is like the the new term that I keep hearing, right?
14:56
SPEAKER_00: And I actually kind of love it.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: Like booked and busy, but not not from a on paper standpoint or like trying to check another box, right?
15:04
SPEAKER_00: But like genuinely enjoying your life and full.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: Yes, like just being full and then giving from the overflow.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like and and do you feel full?
15:14
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm curious.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: It do you feel full in your own life?
15:18
SPEAKER_00: Wow, thank you for the on the spot.
15:23
SPEAKER_03: Thank you for being open to this.
15:24
SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh.
15:26
SPEAKER_03: Um, I always trust like first thought, best thought when it pops in as an intuitive thing, and it it said to me just now, 80% full.
15:35
SPEAKER_03: And maybe that 20% is the part where I I don't understand yet how to like fully open heart.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: You know, the fully open heart also has to be earned.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: It has to be earned.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: Like you can give from an open heart, but it's it's like trust.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: Trust is not built in a single moment, trust is built in small moments over time.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: So I think that you may correct me if this feels accurate for you or not, but you may perhaps be putting a lot of pressure on yourself, is what I'm intuiting.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: Of you need to go in with a fully open heart, but you actually need some time and some trust to build that as well.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: And then you can continue to open more and more deeply.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Ow! This explains it.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying go in with like, you know, an intentionally closed heart, but I think you know what I mean by that.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Like it's it's yes, you can be open, but there's layers of opening.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and that comes over time as someone continues to show up for you and you for them, and vice versa.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: I think you get to have a lot of compassion for yourself here.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: I feel like you've been a little hard on yourself.
16:54
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I feel my shoulders like crunching.
16:56
SPEAKER_03: Like, yeah, you're right.
16:58
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
16:59
SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
17:00
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:00
SPEAKER_03: Instead of thinking, oh, if my heart's not open right away, it's because of my past.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: And then you're making yourself a failure and you're being hard on yourself.
17:08
SPEAKER_00: And look, we all have trauma, we all have stories, we all have things that we've gone through, and part of being in a really beautiful relationship is the responsibility of being able to hold someone else's heart.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: And that is a responsibility that does not happen in a snap of a finger.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: When my now husband and I first started dating, um, I just told his mom the other day she she was questioning him about something, and they have a great relationship, and I have a great relationship with her, and so it was all like kind of joking, but I was like, you know, his love language is being trusted, like just give him a minute.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: He's like that, yes, that.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: And I remember when we first started dating, we were four months in, and he had been showing up like again and again and again and again every single day.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: Yes, oh my god, like amazing.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: I mean the consistency of this man is unmatched.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Always we love a consistent man.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: And he, I can't remember what we got into an argument about, but there was there was something that came up, and I was having difficulty fully trusting in that moment.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: It was just like my past coming up, and I was like, and he just really wanted to be trusted, he was expressing that to me, and he was frustrated, like we were, you know, kind of pissed off with each other.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: And I finally said to him, I was like, You've had 48 years to trust you.
18:23
SPEAKER_00: I've had four months.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: Woo! And he just kind of stopped, and he's like, Okay.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: I get it, I get it.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: And he just he softened because I think that he he saw it in that moment.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: Like, it it is going to take more time.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Like, I need more than four months, and that doesn't mean that you haven't earned an enormous amount of trust.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: You have, but I can't just like rip open my entire heart and hand it to you on a platter until that's built a little bit more over time, yeah.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: And that just continues to deepen.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: We're we're three and a half years in now, and it just continues, like, there's there's endless layers.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: So it's you shouldn't expect that from yourself to like completely open from day one.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: That's that's earned.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
19:10
SPEAKER_00: That I will process that gold nugget.
19:14
SPEAKER_04: Because I feel like that's also a journey I had because I used to be so much more in the like super hippy-diffy spaces, and I was projecting onto everyone else.
19:21
SPEAKER_04: Oh, they're so open-hearted.
19:23
SPEAKER_04: Why am I like so scared and closed-hearted?
19:26
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I have this moment that's like similar to what you're saying of oh, not everyone gets like the full shabboozie of my open heart.
19:33
SPEAKER_04: Sure.
19:33
SPEAKER_04: And that's okay.
19:34
SPEAKER_04: There's not anything actually like probably wrong with me that needs to heal about that.
19:37
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
19:38
SPEAKER_04: In like certain circumstances, I can be open-hearted towards people, but to give them the full like access to that.
19:44
SPEAKER_04: I actually would probably be dishonest in dishonoring myself in my truth.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: And that that is such a great point at the end.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:51
SPEAKER_00: About like being honest with yourself about what you're okay with, and sure, still challenging yourself to be vulnerable.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, women will come to me and and they'll they'll be having a relationship issue with their partner, and um, I have this one really glaring right now.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: She and her husband have married for a really, really long time, and they've been struggling a bit in recent years, but they're they're both still so in love.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: They both still so want it to work.
20:16
SPEAKER_00: I haven't even talked to him, but just the things she shares with me, I can hear it.
20:20
SPEAKER_00: Like he's he wants he wants to gain the connection, but doesn't have the skills, and he's just not sure how to do it, how to build that bridge.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: And um she I guess they used to take the dog for a walk at night sometimes, and that was kind of like their time away from the kids and all the things.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: And lately that hasn't been happening as much, but the dogs only need to go for walks.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: She's been taking the dog, and she she said, Well, you know, I did it ever occur to you that I I actually like it when we go for a walk?
20:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: Like, like to her husband, she says this.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, that's a start.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, and could you could you maybe escape from your heart in that?
20:58
SPEAKER_00: So instead, like, hey, I you know, I'd love for you to go for a walk if you're open to it, because I actually really enjoy walking with you.
21:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally different.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: What a difference.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: Like that's like heart melting, right?
21:10
SPEAKER_00: Like, and it doesn't mean that he he might he might not be able to go, he might not be into it in that exact moment in time, but what a completely different invitation, as opposed to kind of an a snap on the wrist.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like at the same time, as it's not inviting.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: It's not inviting.
21:30
SPEAKER_00: And I understand where she's coming from too.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: Like there's there's pain in that.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: I have been that woman, I sometimes still am that woman.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: Like there's always layers, but I do think that asking yourself, how can I speak from my heart right now, that is a gift that you get to give someone, and it is harder sometimes than others because it does feel incredibly vulnerable.
21:49
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh, it feels like just being like raw and like naked and being like, ah, look at me in my so.
21:55
SPEAKER_04: Please be kind to it.
21:56
SPEAKER_04: This is my deepest inner child desire.
22:01
SPEAKER_03: In that exact voice.
22:02
SPEAKER_04: In that exact voice, of course.
22:06
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh.
22:07
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so we were like so many themes of trust here.
22:10
SPEAKER_04: Rebuilding trust with yourself.
22:12
SPEAKER_04: How do you rebuild trust with your partner?
22:14
SPEAKER_04: Obviously, it's a huge journey.
22:16
SPEAKER_04: I'm sure that like you had to go on of like nine years of you know mistrust, like seated overnight, like literally in a second.
22:22
SPEAKER_04: What is like the top like three ways like the basic overview of what does that look like to regain trust like over time?
22:30
SPEAKER_04: Like what kind of reps I'm sure are you like taking to build that within yourself?
22:34
SPEAKER_00: That's a beautiful question.
22:35
SPEAKER_00: So, top three number one is that our brains are always watching us, they're always scanning.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: And if you are not following following through with the things that you are committing to yourself, your brain's like, Oh, I can't trust you.
22:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like that's true.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: Yes, and it can be the smallest things, like it's and start small.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, that does not mean that you decide that you're going to go climb the wall of China next week.
22:59
SPEAKER_00: And then if you don't follow through on that, you're a failure, okay?
23:02
SPEAKER_00: Like, yes, that can be a longer term goal.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: But what if you're committing to a certain drinking a certain number of glasses of water today?
23:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: Or your workout, or getting in a walk, and then maybe you work up to getting in a certain number of steps every day, and then like really following through on that.
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Like, how can you continue to show up for you first?
23:22
unknown: Yeah.
23:22
SPEAKER_00: And that's also innately choosing yourself, which I think is a really key piece of this.
23:27
SPEAKER_03: So with working on discipline, or would you say the word would be commitment, like that's a solid step for anyone to take.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:35
SPEAKER_00: Discipline?
23:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, actually, that there's there's that phrase that I sometimes hear that I actually really resonate with, which is um self-discipline is the highest form of self-love.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: And I think that it also gets to come with a lot of compassion.
23:48
SPEAKER_00: Like, because when I when I used to hear the word discipline, I would think of I can already naturally be really hard on myself, and I've had to I have to still continue to work through that sometimes.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: So I would think of, you know, like slapping myself in the wrist if I and that the science is so there that already in just a multitude of ways that that doesn't really work well.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: We know this, but when it comes to ourselves, we can be really hard on ourselves.
24:13
SPEAKER_00: I can be really hard on myself.
24:14
SPEAKER_00: So the compassionate route with the self-discipline piece, I think, is the key.
24:20
SPEAKER_00: And that's why the phrase itself I like is self-discipline being the highest act of self-love.
24:25
SPEAKER_00: So how can you discipline, you know, show show discipline in the things that you're committing to, but with love?
24:32
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: That's I think the key piece there.
24:35
SPEAKER_00: Right.
24:35
SPEAKER_04: Like not shaming or guilting yourself if you don't do it.
24:38
SPEAKER_04: Because I mean, like, you are gonna be human and imperfect along the way.
24:41
SPEAKER_04: And like there are gonna be moments where for whatever reason something doesn't follow through.
24:45
SPEAKER_04: You're like, oh, how do I continue to rebuild that love for myself?
24:49
SPEAKER_04: Of like, how would you act like with a child if they didn't accidentally do the thing?
24:53
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: Like, would you be like, I mean, some people might, but well, actually, we wouldn't do that to ourselves.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: And I think that compassion is actually probably the second piece of self-trust.
25:04
SPEAKER_00: Like self-compassion and compassion for others too.
25:08
SPEAKER_00: Again, with discernment, like I am a very empathetic human who can find compassion for other people to almost default.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: And that was kind of how I ended up in the situation that I was in before, which would maybe lead me to the third thing, which would be um standards, boundaries, and expectations.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: So standards are like having having those, and you may need to get clear on your own value system or whatever that looks like for you, but standards are kind of the minimum bar with which you require people to meet to be in your life.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: So things like honesty, integrity, um, consistency, perhaps, like whatever those those values are for you, and also make sure that you are embodying those values.
25:50
SPEAKER_00: I see this a lot where women in particular, I'm gonna call the ladies, uh, will throw out all these values that they want from this mythological man.
25:59
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, cool, you doing that?
26:01
unknown: Like, oh shit.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: Hoops.
26:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
26:04
unknown: Call it out.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: It's it has to be both.
26:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
26:08
SPEAKER_00: Because also, if you're looking for a man like that, do you really think that he's going to be um excited about someone who does not match those same values?
26:17
SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is a two-way street.
26:19
SPEAKER_00: I I am team human, which means I am team man as much as I am team woman.
26:24
SPEAKER_00: There has to be a bit of both here.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: I think that there's some misunderstandings that sometimes happen about that.
26:29
SPEAKER_00: Um, expectations, this can be a tricky one because it's about getting clear on what you are expecting from other people and then communicating that accordingly.
26:41
SPEAKER_00: And that also sometimes needs to have some needs to have some give and some compromise potentially.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: And boundaries often get mistaken as uh if you don't do, you know, you need to do this thing.
26:54
SPEAKER_00: Whereas it's actually you can do this thing, but this is what I'm going to do if you do this thing.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: So if you're going to yell at me, I'm gonna need to remove myself, and then uh we can maybe have a conversation in a more regulated state another time, but I'm not available for this.
27:11
SPEAKER_00: And you can say that with kindness and compassion, but the trick with boundaries is hold upholding it.
27:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, otherwise it's just a suggestion.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: And then you also will lose respect for yourself as well as creating an opportunity for the other person to lose respect in you if you don't uphold a boundary.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, there's layers.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: There's layers.
27:33
SPEAKER_01: Oh my layers, that's good.
27:35
SPEAKER_04: I mean, there's so much like work in each of those sets.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: Of course.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, yeah.
27:39
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and it's ongoing, it's ever evolving.
27:40
SPEAKER_04: It never ends, it literally never ends to find your own way of doing that, too.
27:45
SPEAKER_04: I'm sure there's like the perfectionists out there that are like, and I'm doing all the things and like all my deaths are in a row, but why am I not happy?
27:52
SPEAKER_00: Okay, because it's so easy to get rigid in that too.
27:55
SPEAKER_00: So that's why I listed self-compassion like second, because like self-compassion, discernment, like there needs to be some room here, but are you checking in with yourself?
28:05
SPEAKER_00: Am I abandoning myself if I don't uphold this boundary?
28:07
SPEAKER_00: This boundary?
28:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: Am I abandoning myself if I lower my standard?
28:11
SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, like my minimum standard of integrity, for example.
28:15
SPEAKER_00: Um, what does integrity mean to me?
28:16
SPEAKER_00: What does that look like?
28:18
SPEAKER_00: Am I embodying that?
28:19
SPEAKER_00: What am I expecting from others with that?
28:20
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
28:21
SPEAKER_00: A lot of questions.
28:22
SPEAKER_04: So many questions.
28:23
SPEAKER_04: I'm like, yeah, like speaking about abandonment, and I'm thinking, okay, my biggest fear in relationship is often this fear of abandonment.
28:30
SPEAKER_04: Like they're gonna leave me or like something.
28:32
SPEAKER_04: Now I'm like, wait, does that mean I also have a fear of me abandoning myself?
28:37
SPEAKER_04: How am I doing that?
28:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's a huge one.
28:41
SPEAKER_00: That's my biggest one too.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: I have a father who left at 15 and um just reunited actually a week ago.
28:48
SPEAKER_03: 25 years.
28:49
SPEAKER_03: Wait! Did you know?
28:51
SPEAKER_03: Or was it a surprise?
28:52
SPEAKER_00: No, no, it was it was planned.
28:53
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
28:54
SPEAKER_00: It was planned, yes.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: What?
28:56
SPEAKER_00: It was it was a one-time.
28:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
29:02
SPEAKER_03: Okay, screw this one.
29:09
SPEAKER_00: How does that happen?
29:10
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
29:11
SPEAKER_00: I mean, he I he left and we didn't speak again.
29:13
SPEAKER_00: He he just didn't reach out yet.
29:15
SPEAKER_04: And like you just never heard from them again?
29:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they my parents got divorced and stuff, and and yeah, and he did not reach out again.
29:22
SPEAKER_00: And so huge father wounds and we divorced manifest with men in massive ways, which really, you know, it's not surprising.
29:28
SPEAKER_00: I was cheated on for 10 years.
29:30
SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean I'm blaming that.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: I just mean that like that was one of the many ways in which in which that manifested through me.
29:36
SPEAKER_03: Daddy for me.
29:37
SPEAKER_03: Sorry, that was a joke.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: So I when I um my husband, my now husband is American, and I left Canada uh almost exactly two years ago, actually, to move here, to be with him, then go through immigration process, green card, all the things.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: And right before I left Canada, I had been feeling increasingly for a few years that he felt like a loose my father felt like a loose end I needed to tie up.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: And I ended up writing him a letter, and my husband actually does some of this work, um, clearings with fathers after like long absences and stuff like that.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:12
SPEAKER_00: Stop! Yeah.
30:13
SPEAKER_00: What the heck?
30:14
SPEAKER_00: So the very first time he and I met, we I was gonna interview my now husband for a podcast, and we jumped on a call initially, and I actually brought it up because he was at the time doing a lot of work around fathers.
30:25
SPEAKER_00: We had a whole conversation about it.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: It was wild.
30:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: That's wild.
30:31
unknown: Wow.
30:31
SPEAKER_04: He's always some deep soul healing happening.
30:34
SPEAKER_00: Seriously, it's a lot of karmic ties being cleared.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: So he came in, he gave me some support with that because I, you know, I was battling at the question to to me, whenever you're reaching out to anyone, or this goes for any repair whatsoever, relationally, like romantically, whatever it is, going in with what can I take responsibility for?
30:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
30:57
SPEAKER_00: Hands down, the number one thing you need to do if it's going to go well, that will absolutely massively change the entire course.
31:04
SPEAKER_00: It's like, even if you can only own 2%, what is the 2% that you can own?
31:10
SPEAKER_00: And just how can you how can you own that fully?
31:14
SPEAKER_00: And so even though I was 15 when he left.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: So this is the thing, I struggled with this.
31:21
SPEAKER_00: I struggled with this, and I was like, what you know, like I was a kid, like, and and yes, and that is true, that is valid.
31:27
SPEAKER_00: And I also this is complicated.
31:30
SPEAKER_00: I'll try to make it short.
31:31
SPEAKER_00: I I basically settled my parents' divorce for them twice because the lawyers, he was angry, my father was angry, the lawyers were having difficulty settling it.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: I took it upon myself, my mom did not ask me to do this.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: I stepped in and wrote a very angry letter to my father.
31:43
SPEAKER_00: Got one aspect of the settlement sorted out uh immediately.
31:47
SPEAKER_00: He never responded to the letter, but he clearly responded to the letter following through with what I had uh rather viciously suggested.
31:56
SPEAKER_00: I was an angry teenager at that point, like I was pissed off.
31:59
SPEAKER_00: And then maybe three years later, I was about 19 or 19 or 20, same thing happened.
32:03
SPEAKER_00: He just stopped paying support, and I again uh found a way to reach out and was incredibly emasculating to him looking back as well.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: And in my early 20s, I was very emasculating to men because I was very angry.
32:17
SPEAKER_00: What with you?
32:18
SPEAKER_00: Emasculating.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: Emasculating is like how do how do you cut a man down and just kind of like cut their knees out from under them and make them feel small because then I will feel more powerful.
32:29
SPEAKER_00: What is like a simple example of that?
32:32
SPEAKER_00: Um so gosh, there's so many like subtle examples.
32:35
SPEAKER_00: Alison Armstrong has some really powerful work on that.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: So highly recommend.
32:41
SPEAKER_00: She is she is fantastic.
32:43
SPEAKER_00: Game changer, really.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: Yes, totally.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: And it can be really subtle, like um the example of of what I said to him in that particular moment in time, I just left him a voicemail and I called him a coward.
32:58
SPEAKER_00: I, you know, told him that he was not uh he this is this is hard to admit, that he was not my my dad.
33:05
SPEAKER_00: He was just my biological sperm donor.
33:08
SPEAKER_00: And like that's a terrible thing to say to any human being.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: Like it really is.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: And there are like more male-specific examples perhaps that I could give, but that's I'll just share the very vulnerable one that I I said to him at that time.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: So I took responsibility for that, and I didn't say I didn't, you know, spell out everything that I had said to make him relive it.
33:28
SPEAKER_00: I just said I was angry.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: I didn't even realize how angry I was, and I really didn't.
33:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I take full ownership of it.
33:35
SPEAKER_00: And it was it was um, I don't remember everything I said, I've got it in my notes up somewhere, but my husband cried when he read it.
33:43
SPEAKER_00: He he cried when he read it before I mailed it, so that that said something.
33:48
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay.
33:49
SPEAKER_00: So I mailed it and I had no expectations of hearing back from him.
33:52
SPEAKER_00: And it to be honest, I actually thought it might be easier if he if I didn't.
33:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, because then that opens another whole can of worms.
33:58
SPEAKER_00: Like, then what do I do with you?
34:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: And he responded almost immediately.
34:03
SPEAKER_00: He's ready.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he was ready.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: He was ready.
34:06
SPEAKER_00: But then the hurricane happened here in Nashville.
34:08
SPEAKER_00: Immediately after that lunch, like very close to like a couple months.
34:12
SPEAKER_00: I had just moved here.
34:13
SPEAKER_00: I'd gone from zero to two children overnight because my husband has two children, so I was suddenly a stepmom.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: We were getting married, I was now living with like three other humans, my nervous system was on fire, and I'm like, I can't deal with you right now.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: So I just I just left him, I just left him for a while.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then when the hurricane happened, he heard about the news, he reached out in a panic, and I was like, I still can't deal with you.
34:33
SPEAKER_00: Like, what am I supposed to say to you?
34:35
SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
34:36
SPEAKER_00: So I finally ended up reaching back out to him last year.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: Um, and just said, I was very honest, I was like, I haven't known what to say to you.
34:43
SPEAKER_00: It was short, it was sweet.
34:44
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm I'm potentially open to some sort of meeting, but I don't really know what to say to you.
34:49
SPEAKER_00: And we got to the point where I was like, okay, my husband and I are are coming to Canada, coming back to Canada, uh, you know, just this past July, um, this July, a couple weeks ago, and would you be open to us coming up to see you?
35:02
SPEAKER_00: And he was ecstatic.
35:05
SPEAKER_00: So we went and saw him, and overall it was positive.
35:09
SPEAKER_00: My husband called him beforehand to coach him.
35:12
SPEAKER_00: No, not way stellar hubby.
35:15
SPEAKER_00: Oh, he has been so protective of me throughout this whole thing.
35:18
SPEAKER_00: He first he called a month ago to introduce himself as my husband, told him how we met, like all the things, and had a conversation with him.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: And then he uh he called him the night before we went to coach him on the things not to say.
35:31
SPEAKER_00: He's like, this is not the visit to talk about divorce, this is not the visit to talk about blame, any of the things.
35:37
SPEAKER_00: He's like, There may be another time for that, but I'm I'm rooting for you to win.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: And if you want to connect with your daughter, you need to ask her questions.
35:45
unknown: Wow.
35:46
SPEAKER_00: And don't put your foot in your mouth.
35:47
SPEAKER_00: Basically, those are not his exact words, I'm sure, but yes, some some version of that.
35:51
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I was not part of that conversation.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: Like my husband like went to a different room.
35:54
SPEAKER_00: Like, I have no idea exactly what he said, but like relationship.
35:58
SPEAKER_00: Exactly, exactly.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: So we went and swooning, yes, overall.
36:04
SPEAKER_00: So sweet, so beautiful, and um he he was trying really hard.
36:11
SPEAKER_00: He was trying very hard.
36:13
SPEAKER_00: Uh there's difficulty connecting with him for a variety of reasons.
36:18
SPEAKER_00: Uh he's not great at the asking questions piece, but I have a lot of empathy and compassion just for who he is as a human.
36:24
SPEAKER_00: He just he couldn't seem to make space for talking about anything other than him, but not I I truly think it's just because A, he he was nervous, and B, he just so desperately wanted to be seen at Aulsh.
36:37
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: So I see him for what he is capable of currently.
36:42
SPEAKER_00: And uh as we were leaving, he got emotional, started to cry.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: And then he told my husband to take care of his little girl.
36:52
SPEAKER_00: And that one finished me.
36:53
SPEAKER_00: Then I was bawling, and yeah.
36:56
SPEAKER_00: So I do feel like a piece of me healed.
36:59
SPEAKER_00: Like there is a little piece of me that healed.
37:01
SPEAKER_00: And interestingly, over the course of like the following week, I've also had some anger coming up of like he still didn't take any responsibility.
37:06
SPEAKER_00: He still didn't and this is a long, this is a long process.
37:09
SPEAKER_00: This is not going to happen, you know, in a minute.
37:13
SPEAKER_00: Um, this will take time to heal some wounds, but uh it's a really good start.
37:19
SPEAKER_00: Wow, it's a really good start.
37:20
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
37:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: So I do feel like there have been a lot of things that have healed.
37:23
SPEAKER_00: It's a movie.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
37:25
SPEAKER_00: I said to my husband last week, I'm like, how do I keep ending up with dramatic stories in my life?
37:31
SPEAKER_00: Damn.
37:32
SPEAKER_00: This keeps happening.
37:34
SPEAKER_00: Just like the nine years and the 25 years.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what is going on here?
37:38
SPEAKER_03: Both of those are like soap opera level.
37:42
SPEAKER_03: It's bizarre.
37:43
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean that what kept going through my head was how much of a permission slip you are, just a walking permission slip.
37:49
SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
37:50
SPEAKER_03: I feel like a lot of people wouldn't share these things.
37:57
SPEAKER_01: That's big.
37:58
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
37:59
SPEAKER_00: Open book.
38:01
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so back to the fear of abandonment with that.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh, right, yeah.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I was like, yeah.
38:07
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, picking the good preface.
38:09
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
38:09
SPEAKER_04: Yes, yes.
38:11
SPEAKER_04: How did you heal that?
38:12
SPEAKER_00: Like big escaping wound.
38:15
SPEAKER_00: I still am.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's not something that disappears.
38:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
38:18
SPEAKER_00: And and from a developmental standpoint, um, that's a a particularly challenging age to undergo that type of separation too.
38:27
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
38:28
SPEAKER_00: Um so it I I think that I'm always going to carry that.
38:32
SPEAKER_00: And that's also part of the acceptance, is like it's more about how I choose to carry it than trying to not carry it anymore.
38:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
38:41
SPEAKER_00: Um, because I think there's there's this idea that I've I've heard before, and I can't, I would love to credit whoever I heard this from originally, and I can't remember.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: There's this idea that each one of us carries like a soul wound.
38:57
SPEAKER_00: And it's it's the wound that gives us purpose in this world.
39:03
SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of an unhealable wound because if you fully healed it, you would actually lose part of your essence.
39:11
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
39:12
SPEAKER_00: I don't get it.
39:13
SPEAKER_00: It's it and and it's it's an interesting idea because it's something like an an abandonment wound of this level.
39:20
SPEAKER_00: I don't think that I personally will, I think it's perhaps unrealistic for me to expect from myself that I will fully, fully heal that in this lifetime.
39:31
SPEAKER_00: But where it gives me purpose is of course the obvious.
39:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm a relationship coach.
39:35
SPEAKER_00: I and you know, that's a huge one.
39:38
SPEAKER_00: But even if I wasn't doing this for work, I'm so relational and like always digging deeper into myself and like finding ways to heal in my own relationships, it gives me a sense of purpose and like lights me up in a particular way, even if it's also really painful.
39:54
SPEAKER_00: So I've known other people who have like a core wound of uh injustice, and that fuels them to serve in this world totally and to like do acts of service for people endlessly.
40:06
SPEAKER_00: Again, nothing to do with professionally, just very quietly, like when no one even knows about it, because that that gives them life in a lot of ways, and I I do I I play with that idea and I do think that it's interesting um to sit with.
40:22
SPEAKER_00: It's not about allowing allowing the wound to run you, and I think that's the difference, but how can you continuously serve from that place because you are uniquely suited with your own you're as unique as a as a fingerprint in this world on a soul level?
40:40
SPEAKER_00: We all have different stories and and traumas and all the things, and what are you gonna do with it?
40:46
SPEAKER_04: Totally like can you turn that mess into your message and let it like pull you into oh my gosh, like I have to do something with whatever this thing is that's been gifted me.
40:56
SPEAKER_04: And you know, I think some people can let it just like tear them down, but if you can unlock like whatever is enough in there to hold it, you can I think let it propel you into a real act of your gift and your service.
41:09
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and it's people who relate to you so much more because of your pain.
41:13
SPEAKER_04: Exactly.
41:13
SPEAKER_04: Like, oh my god, you've been where I've been, I trust you.
41:17
SPEAKER_00: And you can relate to people through their joy, totally, yeah.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, yeah.
41:22
SPEAKER_00: Because I hit a point a few years ago, I know you would be absolutely the right person to talk to me about that because I was I had come out about the nine-year affair and all the things, and and people were reaching out to me about it, and I'm like, I don't want to just be known for this, and I don't want to just be known for for my pain.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: Right.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: And I'm just in such a wildly different place now, I don't even actually worry about that anymore.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: But there was a time where I think I was worried about it because I was living from my pain still, yeah.
41:44
SPEAKER_00: And that's why I recognize that I'm like, oh, I don't, this doesn't feel good.
41:48
SPEAKER_00: Like I don't want to just live from this.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
41:50
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't feel good.
41:50
SPEAKER_00: So it gets to be all of it.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: It gets to be all of it.
41:53
SPEAKER_00: It gets to be all of it, yeah.
41:54
SPEAKER_04: Full circle, full circle.
41:55
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh, yeah.
41:57
SPEAKER_04: Okay, so you said you like are holding your abandonment wound and like walking with it.
42:01
SPEAKER_04: What does that look like for you now?
42:04
SPEAKER_00: Oh that looks like a lot of self-compassion and continuously parenting my inner little girl.
42:15
SPEAKER_00: Being my own mother and father.
42:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
42:18
SPEAKER_00: And I have an amazing mom.
42:19
SPEAKER_00: And apparently I still have a father.
42:25
SPEAKER_01: Excellent.
42:26
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
42:26
SPEAKER_01: Amazing father.
42:29
SPEAKER_03: Wait, so what does parenting yourself look like both on that mother and father's side inside?
42:35
SPEAKER_00: That for one thing, it it's it can be as simple as putting your hand on your heart or wherever you feel that little girl or little boy within you and asking asking her what she needs.
42:48
SPEAKER_00: And just like allowing the space for her to have a voice.
42:52
SPEAKER_00: And even if you have moments where you feel a lot of fears coming up.
42:56
SPEAKER_00: I had this early in my relationship with my husband of like all these fears coming up, like things are very real.
43:02
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my god, this is a lot.
43:04
SPEAKER_00: This is where like a safe relationship felt so confronting.
43:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
43:07
SPEAKER_00: And a really dear friend of mine suggested she's like, write down every single fear.
43:12
SPEAKER_00: Every single fear, give it a voice, give that part of you a voice.
43:15
SPEAKER_00: She needs to be heard, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, just write it all down.
43:18
SPEAKER_00: So I did.
43:19
SPEAKER_00: And then I went through every single fear.
43:21
SPEAKER_00: And literally do it until you feel absolutely empty of the fears.
43:26
SPEAKER_00: Like, name every single one of them.
43:28
SPEAKER_00: And then I went through every single one of them and I dressed every single one head on.
43:32
SPEAKER_00: It was like, okay, if this happened, this is what I would do.
43:35
SPEAKER_00: If this happened, this one isn't even logical, that's not gonna happen.
43:39
SPEAKER_00: You're fine.
43:39
SPEAKER_00: If this happened, you know, and just building that self trust again within me and parenting myself through that.
43:47
SPEAKER_00: And I felt very different on the other side of that.
43:50
SPEAKER_00: So it's like giving the structure and having boundaries and like all those things that a good parent has while also being incredibly loving and compassionate.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: You get to bring it all together.
44:01
SPEAKER_00: I love that.
44:02
SPEAKER_04: I love that example also, because I feel like in my own experience, I've like had the okay, face the fear.
44:09
SPEAKER_04: And then on the other side of like, oh, I face the fear?
44:11
SPEAKER_04: That wasn't so scary after all.
44:13
SPEAKER_04: Like I learned through my nervous system that it was terrifying, or you know, like I traveled the world by myself and everything was figure outable.
44:19
SPEAKER_04: That was like my mantra.
44:20
SPEAKER_04: Like I love it.
44:21
SPEAKER_04: Amy with her suitcase, everything is figure outable.
44:23
SPEAKER_04: Things go wrong, I don't have a phone working, everything is figure outable.
44:27
SPEAKER_04: And it all is, and I learned so much self-trust in that.
44:29
SPEAKER_04: But this is kind of great because you don't actually have to like even face all of the fears to learn, oh, I got myself, everything's gonna be okay.
44:37
SPEAKER_00: You got it.
44:38
SPEAKER_00: And truly, I I you know, I describe like emotions are data too, feelings are data, and it's sometimes they just need to be hurt again.
44:47
SPEAKER_00: It's like just acknowledging them.
44:48
SPEAKER_00: So often it's easy to just push them aside, or I don't feel like being angry right now, or it's not very convenient for me to be sad right now, like I can't be grief at the heart.
44:55
SPEAKER_00: You know, all these things.
44:56
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I describe it as like, let's use anxiety as an example.
45:00
SPEAKER_00: Think of anxiety as like a little kid who's just tugging on your shirt sleeve, going like, Angela, Angela, Angela, Angela.
45:06
SPEAKER_00: And when you finally look at anxiety, this little child who's like trying to get your attention, like, okay, I see you.
45:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay, just my dude to know it's here.
45:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
45:18
SPEAKER_00: And then you can calm the fuck down.
45:20
SPEAKER_00: It's and just get more grounded because there's like that little part of you that just wants you to know that it's trying to protect you, or it's trying to remind you of a boundary that's been crossed, or you know, it's it's data.
45:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's data, and sometimes there isn't even a logical reason.
45:34
SPEAKER_00: We're all we're all ladies here, we all get it.
45:36
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there's not a logical reason and can that be okay too.
45:39
SPEAKER_00: Because I am the first one to intellectualize away feelings, and I have recently been noticing that if I just allow the feeling, I just use the word allow now.
45:46
SPEAKER_00: Can I just allow?
45:47
SPEAKER_00: And if I allow, I'm actually much calmer.
45:50
SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, I maybe I don't have to explain everything to myself.
45:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
45:55
SPEAKER_00: And I can just feel how I feel, and that can be okay.
45:58
SPEAKER_00: And when I do, it often dissipates very quickly, and then I can go on to actually have a beautiful day or just sit in my feelings all day, and then you know, I I wake up the next morning and like I actually feel fine.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: Whereas otherwise, in the past, it would then linger.
46:11
SPEAKER_00: It would be like, oh, I had a bad day, and then it lingered for like four days afterwards.
46:15
SPEAKER_00: And instead, I just like let myself be really fucking sad, and then it was okay.
46:19
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
46:20
SPEAKER_04: That's so true.
46:21
SPEAKER_04: Also, I just keep thinking, I'm like, wow, you and your husband are literal two relationship coaches, and you were talking, and I'm like, wow, this is so great that you all not great, but like relatable, that you two are like all these fears and things are coming up, especially in the beginning.
46:35
SPEAKER_04: When and I'm like, absolutely.
46:37
SPEAKER_04: It's like such a great permission slip of it doesn't mean something's wrong.
46:40
SPEAKER_04: Like clearly you two have the skills to walk through whatever the heck comes your way, and like because you're feeling something, it doesn't mean that that feeling is wrong.
46:50
SPEAKER_04: You just get the opportunity to feel it and walk through it together, and you know, we get to use our discernment, I'm sure you would say, but like, you know, choose who we want to walk through those things with.
46:59
SPEAKER_04: Like, not everyone's a good choice of like, do I want to have the most tenderest parts of me alongside you to walk by?
47:07
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, trust me, he he and I would both be the first ones to admit we've had some major challenges and battles, especially going through everything we went through in such a short period of like the moving and immigration, and like all of a sudden blending a household, and then there was a natural disaster, and like it was a lot.
47:24
SPEAKER_03: Like right when you got here.
47:25
SPEAKER_00: It was a lot, it was a lot.
47:27
SPEAKER_00: There were like some couple other things as well.
47:28
SPEAKER_00: It was just it like I think out of the the scale of like you know, top 10, top 20 major life stressors, we experienced like seven of them, like within a six-month time frame.
47:37
SPEAKER_04: It was a lot, it was a lot and you're still together, which is huge.
47:42
SPEAKER_00: And and we almost hit a we we did, we hit like a breaking point about uh probably about a year after I moved here.
47:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was about a year after we moved here, we hit like a breaking point, and we were like, okay, what what are we going to do here?
47:58
SPEAKER_00: And and we got some support.
47:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and it was like night and day.
48:02
SPEAKER_00: We literally just needed I I because he and I do both have the skills.
48:06
SPEAKER_00: We had just reached the point where for us specifically, I'm not saying this is the case for everybody, for us specifically, yes, there was still some more skills we could tweak, and there always will be, but we actually just need a witness, like we needed a witness in the room to be able to have the conversations differently, yeah, and then that shifted things so it and it it varies wildly like with each couple, but it yes, like I the skills are so important, and it does matter who you choose to, but it also matters how you're showing up for you, and the more you're showing up for you, the more you're gonna be able to handle whatever comes your way.
48:44
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, wow, and like I just want to talk to you forever.
48:51
SPEAKER_03: Do you go to um events or like group things for these things, or do you find that relationship coaching is a very one-on-one process?
49:02
SPEAKER_00: Great question.
49:02
SPEAKER_00: I I tend to do more one-on-one coaching, and then also I hold like women's groups virtually, but I actually really like to start going to more events and holding more in-person events and stuff too.
49:13
SPEAKER_00: Um, because I haven't the last couple years because I've just been like in it, and now I'm finally coming out of it.
49:18
SPEAKER_00: Uh because I just had so my nervous system was processing so many changes in such a short period, and I finally like you said something about me being radiant right before we jumped on to, and I was like, Yeah, it's taking a lot of work to do.
49:31
SPEAKER_00: Only female.
49:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
49:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I'm excited about that actually to get to do like more in-person stuff because like this is so valuable, like it just it's so different from just the only virtual.
49:47
SPEAKER_00: I love virtual, I'm so grateful for the internet for Zoom, all the things, but yes, nothing replaces in-person.
49:54
SPEAKER_04: And it's always so great to be in like group coaches with relational things.
49:58
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I didn't even really think of asking that question or hearing someone else that's going through some kind of similar thing.
50:03
SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh, yeah, that hit big sister.
50:08
SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
50:09
SPEAKER_00: There's always so much more to learn about it.
50:11
SPEAKER_00: Always.
50:11
SPEAKER_04: It's so good.
50:12
SPEAKER_04: Like makes me like not feel alone as well.
50:14
SPEAKER_00: It's like it's not just me.
50:16
SPEAKER_00: That's the key.
50:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, everyone just wants to feel like they're not alone.
50:19
SPEAKER_00: It's so interesting that we all have these shared elements of pain and like all the things that all of us have gone through, and yet we somehow also often feel alone in it.
50:30
SPEAKER_00: And it's why we're so lonely as a culture, and yeah, just being able to have more conversations like this.
50:36
SPEAKER_00: So I'm so grateful that you guys are creating podcasts and get to do things like this.
50:40
SPEAKER_03: Beautiful.
50:42
SPEAKER_03: For the blessings.
50:43
SPEAKER_03: I mean, we're we're so glad to have her today.
50:46
SPEAKER_03: We asked what she she does as a ritual because you've had four podcasts now.
50:51
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, one for six, no, eight, eight years, one for eight years.
50:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
50:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
50:57
unknown: Yeah.
50:58
SPEAKER_00: She's been in the game.
50:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:00
SPEAKER_04: Dipping her.
51:00
SPEAKER_04: Is that one going?
51:01
SPEAKER_04: Like a relational during the nine-year relationship?
51:05
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
51:06
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
51:06
SPEAKER_00: Actually, yes, yes, it's wild.
51:08
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:09
SPEAKER_01: No.
51:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
51:10
SPEAKER_00: So it's interesting because you can hear me like talk about my ex-partner and like they, yeah, it's weird.
51:15
SPEAKER_00: I haven't gone back to any of those, but I've had other people mention it to me where you're like, oh my god, you referenced like the guy, and I'm like, Yeah, because we're still together.
51:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
51:26
SPEAKER_00: So that was the hard part, was that I felt like I had been deceitful.
51:30
SPEAKER_00: Like, including on the podcast, I felt like I had been deceiving people because I'm like, I've been talking about like this great life I built, and it's in shambles, and it was in shambles the whole time, but I didn't even realize it.
51:43
unknown: Yeah.
51:44
SPEAKER_00: So that was really hard for me.
51:45
SPEAKER_00: I felt like I'd been lying without even being conscious to it.
51:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:51
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
51:51
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
51:51
SPEAKER_00: You had quite the healing journey.
51:53
SPEAKER_00: I have.
51:54
SPEAKER_04: I have.
51:54
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
51:55
SPEAKER_00: It's been a wild ride.
51:58
SPEAKER_04: I wonder pure joy about it.
52:02
SPEAKER_04: I think at some point the only way you can react to it.
52:04
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
52:05
SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean the hypodcast is called Room to Grow, and now you know why.
52:08
SPEAKER_00: And I titled it that years ago with knowing.
52:12
SPEAKER_00: I totally manifested a journey.
52:16
SPEAKER_03: Maybe the more manifesting is besties.
52:18
SPEAKER_03: There we go.
52:21
SPEAKER_03: I love that.
52:24
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh.
52:25
SPEAKER_04: Okay, if you could wave a magic wand and everyone in the world knows one thing about relationships, what would your like magic wand do?
52:43
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I want to sit with this one first, I guess.
52:45
SPEAKER_03: Respect it.
52:47
SPEAKER_03: We'll just be sterile.
52:49
SPEAKER_03: No pressure.
52:50
SPEAKER_04: No pressure, but like whatever choice you make will change the whole world in a moment.
52:55
SPEAKER_04: Choose wisely, Emily.
52:57
SPEAKER_04: Just kidding.
52:58
unknown: We're the worst.
52:59
SPEAKER_04: We are the worst.
53:01
SPEAKER_00: You know what?
53:02
SPEAKER_00: Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they've got.
53:05
SPEAKER_04: So big! That was a game changer for me.
53:09
SPEAKER_00: A game changer.
53:11
SPEAKER_04: Truly.
53:12
SPEAKER_00: And if you and I I think that there was perhaps a part of me that years ago that was worried that if I if I fully bought into that, that I would be then walked all over.
53:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
53:27
SPEAKER_00: Or that I was excusing bad behavior.
53:30
SPEAKER_00: Bad behavior is called by my standards, or you know, whatever, whatever my judgments were.
53:35
SPEAKER_00: But it's actually it's an opening.
53:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
53:39
SPEAKER_00: Because if you can just see people where they are and and accept them for as they are, that actually opens the opportunity for them to want more for themselves too, if they didn't already, which they may very well already want, but just don't know how to get there.
53:58
SPEAKER_00: Right.
54:00
SPEAKER_00: But everyone is doing the best they can with what they've got.
54:03
SPEAKER_01: So true.
54:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
54:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
54:04
SPEAKER_00: That opens a huge doorway to compassion, which will inherently make people more relational, in my judgment.
54:11
SPEAKER_04: Completely.
54:12
SPEAKER_04: Wow, that would change the world.
54:13
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
54:14
SPEAKER_04: I really see that.
54:15
SPEAKER_04: That's beautiful.
54:15
SPEAKER_04: Alright, well, magic wand.
54:18
SPEAKER_03: We're healed.
54:19
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
54:20
SPEAKER_03: I feel healed.
54:22
SPEAKER_02: I feel healed.
54:23
SPEAKER_03: I mean, your presence, um, it reminds me of something my friend said, and I finally am on the receiving end of it.
54:30
SPEAKER_03: But when I share my background, my friends are like, oh my god, there's like adrenaline happening from taking it in.
54:38
SPEAKER_03: I think you're you um expand people's nervous systems because that's what you've done in your life.
54:45
SPEAKER_03: Um and now I'm watching you like joyfully talk about these uncomfortable topics.
54:51
SPEAKER_03: I'm like, that's an expanded nervous system.
54:53
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
54:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because now we're going.
54:56
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for that.
54:58
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for that.
54:59
SPEAKER_00: Because you know, when I was struggling my first year and a half after moving here from Canada with like all this massive life unfolding before me, and I didn't know how to hold it all.
55:08
SPEAKER_00: What got me through it was you asked for big life.
55:12
SPEAKER_00: Oh, chills.
55:14
SPEAKER_00: You asked for big life, and you have to your nervous system has to get stretched to expand your capacity to hold it.
55:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
55:22
SPEAKER_00: To hold it all.
55:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
55:24
SPEAKER_00: And this is just the beginning, and you know this is these are the lessons that you're learning right now.
55:30
SPEAKER_00: And I came out on the other side, and yeah.
55:34
SPEAKER_03: So, question to that, um, because you did mention that at your age of did you say 15 with the dwarf?
55:41
SPEAKER_03: So, do you think that when the the nervous system expands in that age versus like what happened just a year or two ago for you, right?
55:49
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, are those different or is that just the same thing?
55:52
SPEAKER_03: That's the nervous system expanding, or is one more than the other?
55:58
SPEAKER_00: I think that's a really interesting perspective.
56:00
SPEAKER_00: I hadn't considered that before.
56:02
SPEAKER_00: I I think that it expands in different ways at different times.
56:06
SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't necessarily mean that my my nervous system expanded uh more or less at 15 because of my age and the experience.
56:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
56:14
SPEAKER_00: I think that it changes depending on potentially your capacity at the time.
56:20
SPEAKER_00: Okay, too.
56:21
SPEAKER_00: So, like when you're given a particular thing, yes, you can expand.
56:26
SPEAKER_00: But like, if I had been handed, obviously I wouldn't be getting married at 15, thank the heavens.
56:30
SPEAKER_00: Uh, but if I was handed something like that, like everything that I was required to hold a couple years ago when I first moved here, at that age, it would have crushed me.
56:40
SPEAKER_00: Because I I couldn't, I couldn't have possibly held all that.
56:43
SPEAKER_00: So I also believe that it's almost like an ascending staircase, yeah, a little bit, like you training almost.
56:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, to some degree.
56:50
SPEAKER_00: And I also believe that sometimes we are given more than what we know how to handle a lot of times, but then it's like, okay, what are you gonna do with it?
56:59
SPEAKER_00: Because this is what you've been handed.
57:01
SPEAKER_00: How are you gonna manage it?
57:03
SPEAKER_00: So it's a really great question.
57:05
SPEAKER_00: It's it's an interesting perspective, and yeah, that I I the only reason, as well, that I think I was able to handle what I handled a couple years ago was because of events that started super early on, including when I was 15, and that created a huge wound, but it also expanded my capacity to be like the independent woman.
57:25
SPEAKER_00: Then you get into a healthy relationship, and the strong independent woman also needs to die off a little bit.
57:29
SPEAKER_00: So it's totally like all the things.
57:31
SPEAKER_04: So we're gonna wow, oh my gosh, wow.
57:36
SPEAKER_04: I could literally talk to you forever for ending our time here.
57:39
SPEAKER_04: How can our people stay in your world?
57:41
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yes, you know, listeners.
57:43
SPEAKER_04: You're like, oh my gosh, I want somebody to help me with my relationships.
57:47
SPEAKER_03: Well, I'm changed by having a conversation with you.
57:50
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh.
57:51
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so seriously.
57:53
SPEAKER_03: I need you at this point.
57:56
SPEAKER_00: I have my podcast, room to grow.
57:58
SPEAKER_00: Um, and so you can find hundreds of episodes over there because I've been doing it for a long time.
58:03
SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm over at EmilyGothcoaching.com.
58:06
SPEAKER_00: So G-O-U-G-H.
58:08
SPEAKER_00: Um, so you can find me over there.
58:09
SPEAKER_00: Again, I work mostly one-on-one or um or in groups with women.
58:14
SPEAKER_00: And my Instagram has been very quiet the last little while, but I'm about to resurface her as well as start a substack.
58:20
SPEAKER_00: So over at Emily Goth Coach, yes, on Instagram.
58:23
SPEAKER_00: So it sounds like everything's Emily Goth Coach.
58:25
SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, and Emily Goth Coaching for my website.
58:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
58:28
SPEAKER_04: And that'll all be in the show notes.
58:30
SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
58:31
SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
58:31
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
58:32
SPEAKER_04: Oh my gosh.
58:33
SPEAKER_04: Wow, yeah.
58:33
SPEAKER_04: I am so grateful for your time here today.
58:35
SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
58:36
SPEAKER_04: This is gonna be like the highlight of my freaking day.
58:38
SPEAKER_04: Aw, mine too, I filmed this.
58:40
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
58:44
unknown: Thank you so much.
58:45
SPEAKER_00: You're so welcome.
58:46
SPEAKER_00: Truly a pleasure.
58:47
SPEAKER_00: Such a pleasure.
58:48
SPEAKER_04: And thanks to our beautiful listeners.
58:49
SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
58:50
SPEAKER_04: Like wishing you all like happy relationships and like maybe you're like feeling a little, I don't know, hopeless about it.
58:55
SPEAKER_04: So maybe this sprinkled a little bit of hope or like whatever the medicine is that you need to move through, whatever chapters you're going through.
59:02
SPEAKER_03: Right, and um, just to leave it with this, in case anyone's feeling like any wounds were opened or a light was shined, same thing.
59:12
SPEAKER_03: What kind of question or prompt would you leave someone with as we close this out?
59:16
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
59:17
SPEAKER_00: It would depend on what came up, but um I'd really sit with where can where can I accept more of myself right now?
59:30
SPEAKER_01: Mike Trump.
59:38
unknown: Thank you.
59:40
SPEAKER_03: I love it.
59:40
SPEAKER_03: I love it.
59:42
SPEAKER_03: So much love, girl.
59:46
SPEAKER_00: Of course, an honor to be with her.
59:49
SPEAKER_03: For anyone listening, if you smiled at any point, I would invite you to share this episode with someone that you think would smile as well.
59:57
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
59:58
SPEAKER_03: So until next time, all the love.
1:00:02
SPEAKER_03: Thanks for tuning in to Besties in Europe.
1:00:08
SPEAKER_03: Bye for now.