Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What About If Your Partner Wants To Do Some Crazy Shit In Bed?

Transcript

What About If Your Partner Wants To Do Some Crazy Shit In Bed? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be addressing a subscriber
• 0:12
  question actually is a Facebook group question.
• 0:16
  I think it really it all Blends together about, what if your
• 0:20
  partner wants to do, some really weird shit in bed that is really
• 0:24
  out there and what should you do.
• 0:28
  And so I'm going to address this very important question to a lot
• 0:33
  of people because I Honestly, like your partner, maybe the one
• 0:37
  who thinks that we are chit, is oral?
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  So, I mean, this could really mean anything, it's quite
• 0:41
  subjective. So for the people that want to
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  do the weird shit, whatever it is.
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  This is a very pressing question for the people that want to get
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  out of doing the weird shit. It's a similarly pressing
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  question and I will address this in all of its glory and Detail
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  in a bit right after I tell you to subscribe because there are
• 1:01
  numerous episodes that you are unaware of probably in Including
• 1:05
  six things that women want in bed, stuff about, and not being
• 1:09
  attractive, or to their wives, potentially things about needs
• 1:13
  boundaries communication, why you have to suck it up and be
• 1:17
  nice to your partner, all sorts of things that really could help
• 1:21
  you win an argument. When after you have an argument
• 1:23
  with your spouse, you say you email them.
• 1:26
  One of my podcast and you say, see this doctor thinks exactly
• 1:29
  what I just told you last night. No, don't actually do that.
• 1:32
  That will not help. Give you a happy marriage.
• 1:34
  You can listen and feel validated and, and really just
• 1:38
  swim in that validation bath of hearing my voice, say things
• 1:43
  that you have already tried to say to your spouse.
• 1:46
  Also, join my Facebook group. If you're somebody that likes to
• 1:48
  talk about sex and relationships which you have to be, otherwise
• 1:51
  you're a real masochist listening to this thing for
• 1:53
  close to 200 episodes. I'm going to be a 200 episodes
• 1:57
  soon, which is pretty cool because I only started in
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  January. So anyway, now we are focusing
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  on the topic at hand which is what Do you do if your partner
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  really wants to do some weird shit in bed that you don't want
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  to do that is to out there for you?
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  Well, I mean, like first of all, like, let's just be real for a
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  sec. Look, just get over yourself.
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  Who cares? You know, like this is your
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  partner. You love them.
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  Unless they are doing something completely immoral.
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  Like, you know, asking you to potentially maybe against your
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  morals to go outside the marriage.
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  Let's say they want to see you with another man.
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  I could see that one being, you know, something you don't Really
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  want to do you talk about, you know, in your marriage but like
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  what if they want you to dress up in like a furry suit or they
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  want to do some other position or like who gives a shit, right?
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  I mean, like at a very basic level.
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  Don't you want to be generous and loving person that is
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  open-minded. I mean, the open-mindedness here
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  is really key. And by the way, if you are
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  somebody who has been asked to go outside your marriage and
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  sleep with somebody else, there's still ways to talk about
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  that as a fantasy without Really doing it.
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  You know, I mean when we're talking about what people's hard
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  stops are, they ought to be things.
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  Like this is very painful or this goes against my moral code,
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  people's hard. Stop should not be.
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  That's kind of gross like okay. Like isn't aren't a lot of
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  things kind of gross. I mean isn't changing a diaper
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  kind of gross, isn't cleaning. Anything kind of gross isn't
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  that aging human form kind of gross you know I think like
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  everything's kind of Is if you look at it like through a
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  negative lens or it could be fun, it could expand your
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  horizons, they could push your boundaries, it's to an extent.
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  A lot of times people just have to take a wider perspective.
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  I mean, so if your partner wants to do some weird position or if
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  they want you to dress up like a nurse that they're a doctor or
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  whatever the hell, who cares? Why don't you be a sport?
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  You know? And and, and try because as I've
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  said, so So many times by now, Dan Savage says that the
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  definition of a good sexual partners somebody who's good
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  giving and gain and good you know you could research how to
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  be better giving and game though, you you, that is an
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  internal sort of thing. So while you know, I got a lot
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  of sympathy for people who don't have any idea how to technically
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  do something. Although in the age of the
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  internet, you could certainly look up how to go down on a
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  woman or you could listen to my podcast which is subscriber
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  only. Or had to go down on a man could
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  listen to my podcast, still my most popular episode on blow
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  jobs or whatever the hell else you could learn this stuff but
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  it's like, all right. It may be hard to learn a
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  technical thing, but what about being giving and game?
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  That's free that doesn't take any knowledge.
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  It just takes a commitment to open-mindedness and to
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  generosity which is exactly the same sort of thing that you want
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  your partner to do for you. So my overall encouragement is
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  to try If your partner, what to do some really weird shit.
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  Why don't you try? Why is it going to kill you?
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  It isn't and it'll probably make your partner very happy.
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  The thing, there's research that shows that people who have
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  fetishes actually enjoy sex more than other people.
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  I the sex meaning, when the fetishes done that sort of
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  fetish. So, try like, you could be
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  giving your partner, the most transformative experience ever.
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  Now, of course, you could go down any sort of logical Rabbit
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  Hole. People love to argue.
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  So you could say, all right, Fine.
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  So what if my partner has this rule out their thing?
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  Let's say they want to me to dress up like a furry rabbit and
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  then I dress up as a furry rabbit in, it isn't enough and
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  then I have to be a furry rabbit every day and I have to you
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  know, get all into the furry rabbit Community, all right, you
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  know, like you can make it look. Anything can be argued to the
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  point of ridiculousness. No, a person should not have to
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  make their entire life around a fetish that they don't like, but
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  this is a far cry from Try it, you know, you could try it,
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  they've men in my office, they recount certain glorious, sexual
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  experiences and they don't need to do it all the time.
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  But remembering one time that they had a threesome in college
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  or one time that they hooked up randomly with a girl and
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  bathroom at a party. This is enough to Coast on these
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  are the hallowed and sacred sexual memories.
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  So if you want to be generous and giving do the weird thing
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  that your partner wants you to do, try it.
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  And if they turn into like obsessional with it, that would
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  mean they are not being good giving and game.
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  Because remember, you don't like being a furry rabbit.
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  And if everybody listening to this likes, being a furry
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  rabbit, and vote. Some for me to change this.
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  I will re-record this podcast but I thought that perhaps that
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  would be one that would not appeal to the majority.
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  So if in fact, your partner wants you to do some weird shit
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  and you try it then they get obsessed with it and then you
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  have to do it all the time. You don't have to do it all the
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  time. Time you should do it sometimes
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  to be a sport but you don't have to do it all the time because it
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  doesn't turn you on. And, you know, it's, you know,
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  they also ought to be being good giving and game and doing
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  whatever it is turns you on. Now, what if you are the person
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  who wants your partner to do this stuff and they won't do it.
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  Well then as per usual, as I've said repeatedly, I cannot make
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  anyone do anything. I am a psychologist, I'm not a
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  magician but I tell you lookin at yourself, are you?
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  Good giving a game outside of the bedroom if you want your
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  partner to do, what they consider some wacky shit.
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  Even if that's only leaving the lights on and you're completely
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  resentful that. They think it's wacky because
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  you think it's totally normal be that as it may life is
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  subjective or you being the sort of person outside of bed.
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  That's going to lead to your partner being open-minded in
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  bed. Probably not, you know, because
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  this I have rarely. So very rarely seen open-minded
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  people partnered. With not open-minded people.
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  So that's so important and could be such an epiphany.
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  So I will say it again, the open-minded, they usually find
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  each other. There's so many people who are
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  like, I'm open-minded my spouse's close-minded.
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  No light goes to like so usually if you know what that means,
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  usually if they're open minded about like it'll be a guy, I'll
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  be like I'm open-minded. I'll invest in all sorts of
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  things crypto stocks, I'll invest in it.
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  Art galleries. I'll just use my, I'm so open.
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  Minded it like this one area of something that he likes to do,
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  and then it's like, oh, what are your hobbies?
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  Oh, those are my hobbies. I also like sports.
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  My wife would really like me to read Fiction with her but I
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  don't like fiction. Well would you would you look at
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  that? You scratch the surface and you
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  see close-minded? Maybe.
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  If he was willing to read fiction and talk about it like
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  book club, she would be willing to dress up as a furry rabbit,
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  or whatever it is that floats his boat usually Close minded.
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  People are paired with one another, although sometimes one
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  of them is masquerading or both of them sometimes, you know,
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  delusion could be both or one their masquerading as
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  open-minded. So there's women who are like
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  I'm so open minded politically, I'm open-minded philosophically.
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  I'm open-minded. I listen to anybody's point of
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  view. I'm an empath, right?
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  You're an empath until your husband wants to get laid.
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  Then where's the empath? The empath left the building.
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  So if you consider, To be very open-minded but you have all
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  these hard stops and quote, unquote boundaries.
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  This is something that I just recorded about a podcast about
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  that. You may have heard the cult of
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  the preference / boundary, that's very very relevant here.
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  Like you have a boundary against being a furry rabbit.
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  So why why do you have this battery?
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  Likely it is because you yourself can be closed-minded
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  which should be interrogated. But also you're resentful
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  because you Ask your partner to be open-minded about other
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  things and he didn't. So then you're like fuck you and
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  your furry rabbit fetish. I don't care because you won't
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  for example, paint the kitchen pink because you think that
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  would look quote stupid and I think it would look great and I
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  saw it in a magazine and I really liked it.
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  And if you were the kind of guy that was open-minded about
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  painting the kitchen, pink or purple, or green, or whatever.
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  Then maybe I would be a furry rabbit, but people don't make
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  this sort of thing explicit. They don't make this Tit for Tat
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  explicit because this would be a positive Tit for Tat.
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  By the way, there's all sorts of negative variable score keeping,
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  but if a woman would like, you know what?
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  If you were more open-minded about home decor, I think that I
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  could be a furry rabbit that, you know why they don't say that
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  because they don't want to be a very rabbit.
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  So they don't want the guy to call their Bluff and say, yeah,
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  let's go to Sherwin-Williams and then we'll Circle back around to
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  the furry rabbit costume store. They don't want that to happen.
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  So they are for they don't actually make it explicit.
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  Asset but in session and couples counseling, sometimes we make it
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  explicit, all right? So then you really want to do
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  this special thing. What is it worth to you?
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  What are you giving are you giving something outside your
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  comfort zone? And this isn't to do
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  scorekeeping, it's like kind of to show that you are not being
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  open-minded either. So what right?
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  Do you have really is this like I said, and my podcasts are this
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  the marriage that you deserve, do you deserve the marriage that
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  you say? Do or do you deserve the
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  marriage that you're in? Because the majority of people
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  deserve exactly what they're getting at home, because they
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  are difficult, and exactly interlocking ways with the other
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  partners difficulty. So, there are many people who
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  start extremely open-minded. And what they mean is I'm
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  open-minded in this one thing that I like.
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  So a guy saying that he's open-minded and bed, High
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  libido, man, being open-minded and bed.
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  I'll, let me clap for you. Why am I not clapping?
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  Because it's so easy for you. You would screw anything anytime
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  in any, which way you love it. It's great.
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  It's all exciting. It's super fun to think about
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  different positions different, this different that different
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  whatever, and then your wife will say, hey, did you read this
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  article that came out in the Atlantic?
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  You're like, I'm not reading that shit, you know, it's like,
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  come on, like, where do you get off?
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  You don't probably get off alone because if you are difficult in
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  this way, you're not getting off with her.
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  So if you are the sort of person who Exhorts your partner to be
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  super open-minded about whatever crazy shit, but then you are not
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  deeply doing a deep dive, interrogation of yourself and
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  your personal blind spots, and hard stops.
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  Then do you deserve the furry rabbit know?
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  You don't the furry rabbit will only come to those who are
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  open-minded and that is your that should be in a fortune
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  cookie. So if this resonates with you
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  I'm going to stop saying share it with your partner because
• 13:03
  some of y'all are taking me to Seriously and you're like,
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  sending all the podcasts, your partner wrong.
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  Like when I meant, was if something, you know, is
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  something that within the context of a relationship that
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  we're people, have said, oh we want to communicate more on
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  certain things and here's something interesting that we
• 13:22
  can discuss cool. But if you are the kind of
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  person who, since the Advent of the internet, has been sending
• 13:29
  your spouse, all of these recommendations and stuff for
• 13:32
  them to read and look at and watch and In that.
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  And now my podcast is the latest on the Heap, they don't want it.
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  So I'm not going to say that anymore.
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  You got to make an individual decision, whether to share this
• 13:43
  with your partner. They, so whether your partner
• 13:45
  has literally said to you, I don't want any more of that
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  shit. Now, if they say that the stop
• 13:51
  sending stuff to them that is when but that is when if you
• 13:55
  really feel like you are going out of your mind because you
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  can't communicate the person won't listen to the podcast,
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  blah blah blah. Then book a couples counseling
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  session because in A couples counseling session.
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  A you have shown that you mean business?
• 14:08
  You really actually unhappy with something and you want to work
• 14:11
  on it and be the other person has a chance to talk and to be
• 14:14
  heard also it's not just unidirectionally that the one
• 14:19
  who has the skill at metabolizing information, more
• 14:23
  quickly sends the other one, Infinity links, and blogs, and
• 14:28
  articles, and whatever. This is not a very good balance,
• 14:32
  and it usually makes the person feel Attacked and overwhelmed,
• 14:36
  but but couples counseling while nobody's idea for a favorite
• 14:40
  activity, is something that is more even-handed.
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  So if you really need to talk to your spouse so badly and they
• 14:48
  keep ignoring the podcasts and all this stuff book, a couples
• 14:51
  counseling session. Tell them about it.
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  I really feel like we don't talk anymore.
• 14:55
  I've been doing the wrong thing bombarding you with various
• 14:58
  links but you know, it's remains that we don't talk.
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  Apparently I'm not doing a good job at ad telling you we have to
• 15:04
  talk Talk so about whatever issues so therefore, I'd like to
• 15:08
  go to couples counseling, you know, couples counseling, as
• 15:10
  I've said, numerous times I'm very on Trend, no longer is
• 15:14
  this. Just for people who are about to
• 15:16
  break up with every passing year more and especially since covid
• 15:20
  and pandemic and teletherapy becoming ubiquitous more and
• 15:24
  more people who are not thankfully on the precipice of
• 15:26
  divorce are reaching out for help.
• 15:28
  So this is wonderful and hopefully it can change the
• 15:32
  reputation of couples counseling.
• 15:34
  From basically, the mortuary of your relationship to someplace
• 15:38
  where people really do learn how to enhance and enrich their
• 15:40
  relationships because they're coming in before it's the death
• 15:44
  knell of the relationship. So that was just your PSA about
• 15:48
  couples counseling. How important it is.
• 15:51
  And if you, if you are the wacky sex Seeker, then you got to do
• 15:57
  an internal real deep self scan about whether you are being as
• 16:02
  open-minded. As you wish that your partner
• 16:03
  was and If you're the one who's constantly being beg to dress up
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  like a rabbit dress up, like a fucking rabbit.
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  Who cares? Who cares?
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  Let's just think about the ways that it could transform your
• 16:13
  relationship. If you just get out of your
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  comfort zone for two seconds, you know?
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  I mean it's what you are. Probably as a parent, I mean,
• 16:23
  man, like him being a parent, you got to do all this crazy
• 16:26
  shit. Gotta go to theme parks, you got
• 16:28
  to cook three meals a day. You gotta listen when they talk,
• 16:31
  whoo, it's easier to dress up like a rabbit or whatever.
• 16:34
  The case may be all right, I will talk to everybody soon.
• 16:37
  Hope you got something out of this podcast and if you did or
• 16:40
  if you didn't, please do subscribe.