Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Don't Lie About Your "Body Count" Or Anything Else

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Don't Lie About Your "Body Count" Or Anything Else · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show, I may sound a little different because I'm
• 0:11
  recovering from laryngitis. I wasn't able to record for four
• 0:14
  days, but that's cool because I have so many in the backlog, but
• 0:19
  that's why I sound like. I have a little vocal fry or
• 0:22
  something despite not being a young person.
• 0:26
  So anyway, today we're going to talk about why you should never
• 0:32
  lie about your quote, body count, which is the number of
• 0:35
  people. You slept with, that's another
• 0:36
  young person term, I believe or really anything else about your
• 0:40
  sexual history. Before we do that, I must tell
• 0:42
  you to subscribe, I have lots of cool stuff coming up in the
• 0:45
  works. I have all the old stuff, it's
• 0:48
  all pretty cool. You can join my Facebook group.
• 0:51
  You could follow me all over social media.
• 0:54
  I'm on Tick-Tock if I didn't mention it, of course, I've
• 0:57
  mentioned it. So follow me, everywhere I go
• 0:59
  YouTube for my cohort that doesn't do Tick-Tock, I would
• 1:02
  not have done Tick-Tock if my kids did.
• 1:05
  Not say I should do Tick-Tock as I talked about one time.
• 1:08
  But anyway so why should you never lie about your body count?
• 1:12
  Because now the only people who are going to lie about this or
• 1:15
  women men lied to, but they lie that they've slept with less
• 1:18
  women sometimes because if you slept like, you know 50 women
• 1:22
  than you think that your potential wife is going to think
• 1:25
  that you are a man whore, but I think that's stupid to.
• 1:30
  I think there's nobody who should lie about the number of
• 1:34
  people that they've slept Why? Because you are the person who
• 1:40
  did that, you are that person. That is who you are.
• 1:43
  If you have some big secret to hide and somehow like you, you
• 1:49
  feel like you are going to lie about this and keep it hidden
• 1:53
  for the entirety of your marriage.
• 1:55
  How can you open up and be genuine and close to somebody
• 1:59
  that you have a big secret from? You shouldn't be lying about
• 2:03
  anything in your marriage. But the one thing you're allowed
• 2:06
  to lie about is if your wife is like, hey, I want to like
• 2:09
  sculpting class and I made you this Vaz.
• 2:12
  Do you like it? You should be like, yes.
• 2:14
  Or if your husband is like hey I just saw, you know, did some new
• 2:18
  thing at CrossFit. Isn't that great?
• 2:20
  You don't give a shit. You should say, yes.
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  But these are not lies about core aspects of your
• 2:25
  personality. The only person who is not going
• 2:28
  to be with you upon knowing your body.
• 2:31
  Count is somebody and it's mostly, as I was saying women
• 2:34
  who think that He's going to think that they're a whore,
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  sometimes, it's men who think the woman's go to think they're
• 2:38
  a whore, and sometimes it's men who actually inflate their body
• 2:42
  count, because they think the woman's going to think they were
• 2:44
  a loser, there's all sorts of ways to be insecure about this
• 2:46
  topic, they're all equivalently ridiculous.
• 2:49
  If somebody does not want to be with you based upon how many
• 2:52
  genitals have come into contact with your genitals, get rid of
• 2:56
  them sooner than later. This is nobody that you feel
• 2:59
  comfortable with on a like sharing your true.
• 3:05
  If with, so it could be one of two things.
• 3:07
  Either you have massive insecurity issues about yourself
• 3:10
  and self-worth issues that you were trained to not trust
• 3:13
  people. And so it's a you thing, why
• 3:15
  you're not sharing it or you're actually with somebody who's
• 3:19
  proven themselves to be extremely judgmental and have
• 3:22
  extremely conservative values around sex that go in opposition
• 3:26
  to your lived. Experience of not having
• 3:28
  conservative values around sex and either way this is bad in
• 3:32
  the first situation, you are letting your low self-esteem.
• 3:35
  Steam, tell you that somebody isn't going to love you based on
• 3:38
  anything about you. You are totally lovable as a
• 3:41
  person, no matter how much sex you've had.
• 3:44
  Let me tell you something. A lot of the men that I work
• 3:46
  with regret breaking up with their ex-girlfriends who had a
• 3:50
  higher body count because and, and settling down with wives or
• 3:55
  Ex-Wives who had barely any experience, they put them into
• 3:59
  two buckets, one was like having fun with my girlfriend, who has
• 4:03
  like slept with a lot of guys. As you know, whatever but I'm
• 4:06
  not going to settle down without kind of woman.
• 4:08
  These are more conservative men. I'm going to settle down with a
• 4:11
  woman who's just had sex with me or like with one other dude,
• 4:14
  guess why? Guess guess, guess why you are
• 4:18
  now? Why for now ex-wife that didn't
• 4:20
  have a lot of sex, guess guess why she did it?
• 4:23
  Oh my God, why could it? Because she doesn't like sex?
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  That's Occam's razor. If you're a rational person.
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  You gotta understand if a person really likes sex, they're gonna
• 4:32
  want to have sex. This is something that women
• 4:34
  frequently. Understand.
• 4:36
  And I wrote about this in a post about a woman who is religious
• 4:40
  and she was a virgin, but she wanted to make sure that she
• 4:43
  wouldn't meet a man who valued sex a Muslim woman.
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  This is one of my blog posts and she's it's something like thumb,
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  a 30-year old virgin something if you want to Google it.
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  But anyway, so I was saying to her, that I work with many women
• 4:58
  who feel like they're, they dated whole bunch of jerks and
• 5:02
  all these jerks, you could say, why did they did all these It's
• 5:05
  because they have low self-esteem.
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  I've discuss as Maria Times, and they're attracted to jerks
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  because they grew up with a jerk one of the parents anyway, you
• 5:12
  should know that by now, if you've been following me, but
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  the point is you've been attracted to jerks and all the
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  jerks like sex, so the Mind likes to make sense of things.
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  So the time that you meet a quote, nice guy and he doesn't
• 5:24
  pursue you for sex. You say man, this must be what
• 5:26
  nice guys are like, they don't push you for sex.
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  So you so you make an artificial dichotomy between men who like
• 5:33
  sex and are nice. Or sorry, I know jerks men who
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  don't like sex and are nice. No, that is not real.
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  So then a lot of women end up with these guys that actually
• 5:43
  have extremely low sex drive, and they just thought, the guy
• 5:46
  was nice and wasn't pressuring them, but in reality, the guy
• 5:49
  wasn't initiating sexual contact because he didn't care because
• 5:54
  he didn't really want any sex, and he may not even know that
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  but he must just be some of those guys with low sex drives
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  in general are like wow most men are assholes and I'm really nice
• 6:04
  like they believe it. To, but what they don't have is
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  high sex drive. So that's why they don't want to
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  have sex. So then when women end up in
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  those situations, they're like, oh my God, like, I conflated
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  being a nice guy with being like, low, sex drive guy.
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  That's what it really was, you know.
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  So it happens to women too. But anyway, if you're a woman
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  with a high quote body count, you could fall into two camps
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  either, you could be very sexually liberal adventurous a
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  sensation, seeker and have had a lot of fun in your young years,
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  particularly in cities. Coastal cities that this is,
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  this is what happens, this is your 20s, you know?
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  And sometimes some of your 30s and you have a bunch of Partners
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  and it's fun and you like it. And you don't feel any low
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  self-esteem because of it at all.
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  In fact, it's like high self-esteem because you're
• 6:51
  getting a lot of fun experiences men call.
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  You like, it's not like, I mean, this is like a myth, that like a
• 6:58
  man says sex with you and then he doesn't call you when a man
• 7:00
  has sex with you, is I needed to call you.
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  He did not enjoy sex. This is not hard.
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  If you had a date with a man that was primarily talking, and
• 7:08
  you didn't want to go out with him again, you would not have
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  liked the talking make sense, you know?
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  So, but for women and men who enjoy themselves in bed, usually
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  the relationship continues either.
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  It could be a sexual relationship or it could turn
• 7:21
  into more, but it doesn't just Trail off.
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  It's not like you got guys out there.
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  That was like, man, that was the best sex of my life.
• 7:28
  I'm going to lose her number. I mean, just, it doesn't make
• 7:31
  any sense. So people that spent there Are
• 7:35
  younger years, enjoying a lot of sex.
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  They have a high body count. That's what happens.
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  You know, it, look the numbers keep taking up and then you have
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  a bunch of people. This is true that there are
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  other women that have a lot of sex that they do regret having,
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  and these people want to lie about their body count because
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  they don't feel that, it really reflects them because some of
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  them, sadly have a sexual trauma history.
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  Now, when you have a sexual trauma history, you've been
• 8:00
  abused as a child sexually. It does put you on a path where
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  you think that your whole self Are these your body and sex.
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  It's very a sad situation, right?
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  And so, as a young woman, you may have sex that you don't want
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  to have because you have been trained at.
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  That's the way to keep a man's interest.
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  Then when you meet the man that you really want to settle down
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  with, you may want to hide this because you actually deeply are
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  ashamed of it and you feel that it was not a good choice in that
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  situation. Should you live out your body
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  count? No, no, no, no, no, don't do
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  that, why? Because if a man, Anne is going
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  to be with you a woman who has made mistakes.
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  We've all made mistakes right about various things.
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  You want a man who loves you, he loves you in a including things
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  that you regret, especially would feel tender to you about
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  things that you regret, you don't want.
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  A man who judges you for mistakes, you've made.
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  If assuming that you can consider the mistakes you want a
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  loving person. Believe me, there's plenty of
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  men out there that are going to have a lot of tenderness and
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  empathy for Woman that was got on a wrong path.
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  You don't have to have been sexually abused, you could just
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  be somebody with very low self-esteem, that learned that
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  woman's looks, and bodies are what draws men?
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  And so you got into the relationship after relationship.
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  Even enjoy it. You didn't enjoy the sex but you
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  just kept doing it until at some point.
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  You had some sort of breakthrough that you don't want
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  to do it anymore. Share, all of this with your
• 9:26
  partner, your partner should know you.
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  They should know you and who you are on a deep level, okay?
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  And and if you edit out, Parts of your history, then you will
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  never know that somebody you can never then be with somebody who
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  loves you for all of you and that's a transformational
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  experience. When people finally have a
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  partner that they could share everything with that, that is
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  who you should marry. You should not marry somebody
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  that you ever feel because of something in you or something in
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  them that you have to hide things from if it's because of
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  you, then you ought to go into therapy and work on your own
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  self esteem. So you could talk about your
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  history as Objective Narrative of something that happened, you
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  know, versus something that you're deeply too ashamed to
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  share. You can't really be an intimate
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  relationship when you're hiding big secrets.
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  And if it's because the person is judgmental or overly
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  conservative sexually, this is not going to work out.
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  Long-term, there's many women that have, you know, extensive
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  sexual histories, and they marry a man who does not, and the
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  reason he does not. It is twofold.
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  Usually it's because he couldn't Get laid as much as he wanted.
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  He was a late bloomer and he didn't have confidence and or he
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  is very sexually conservative and feels that people should
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  only have a couple Partners if any before marriage in neither
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  case. Does it usually work out that
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  you're going to be compatible with this man unless he is
• 10:53
  extremely liberal in his philosophies and very self-aware
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  and open recognizing that he was a late bloomer wishes he could
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  have had more sex. He didn't you an attractive
• 11:04
  woman wanted to have Sex and we're able to and now he's going
• 11:07
  to reap the benefits of that. Because guess what happens if
• 11:09
  you have a lot of sex, just like, if you play a lot of
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  ping-pong, you get better, you get better at the thing that you
• 11:15
  do a lot of. So, it's interesting because, as
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  I've discussed over and over again, sometimes men want this
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  crazy myth, a woman whose great in bed.
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  The never had a partner before you a woman who loves sex with a
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  high sex drive, that just happened to never enjoy sex or
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  really have much of it before you, how does that make any
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  sense? Since right?
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  That would be like if you wanted a woman who was really into
• 11:39
  fitness, but you specifically only went for women who had
• 11:43
  never worked out before you. How's it going to go?
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  It doesn't make any sense, right?
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  This is in this country, especially people have sex in
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  this puritanical, the whole world view of sex is just it's
• 11:54
  messed up. It's just in its own category
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  and it's it nobody makes any sense when they talk about it,
• 12:02
  you know. This is why I have a lot of
• 12:04
  couples who Race in more Evangelical climates and they
• 12:07
  were raised that sex is bad. Then all of a sudden when they
• 12:10
  get together in marriage sex is supposed to be good.
• 12:13
  How the woman has spent her whole life being trained?
• 12:16
  That sex is bad, and sex is sinful.
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  So how is she supposed to flip on a dime and become sexy?
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  And sexual? As soon as she's married, it
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  just doesn't make any sense. People are trained and have in a
• 12:27
  certain way and they think a certain way and that doesn't
• 12:29
  just go away because you wanted to.
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  So anyway, the other she is that this is not a possibility.
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  This happens when women are in love in the honeymoon.
• 12:39
  Stage, they delude themselves. They think.
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  Yeah, you still like to have sex with a lot of different guys.
• 12:44
  Do a lot of different things. I'm used to be very adventurous
• 12:47
  but now I've met mr. Perfect mr.
• 12:49
  Wonderful here and my hormones are racing.
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  They don't articulate this bar I because they think it's real
• 12:57
  now. Now I just want to have
• 12:59
  missionary sex for the rest of my life with one man, possibly
• 13:02
  doggy style, you know? And Guess what, guess what if
• 13:07
  you were very adventurous and sensation-seeking before you are
• 13:10
  going to want an adventurous sex life, doesn't have to be
• 13:14
  multiple partners. Many women are happy to settle
• 13:16
  down and be monogamous particularly when there are is
• 13:20
  marriage and children, you know, in the mix but they're going to
• 13:24
  be wanting to do crazier stuff than missionary sex for three
• 13:28
  minutes, you know and stuff that they used to do with other
• 13:32
  people and if they can't show, Show any part of themselves that
• 13:36
  super sexy or sensation seeking or adventurous, because the guys
• 13:40
  going to be like, where did you get that from?
• 13:42
  I thought you only slept with one guy before me, and you hated
• 13:44
  it. Well, that's a big part of
• 13:46
  yourself that you're cutting off.
• 13:48
  And if you think that this wouldn't happen, it happens
• 13:50
  because sexually conservative men.
• 13:53
  They don't really like the idea that the woman is bringing up
• 13:56
  all these crazy things that bet somebody could tell.
• 13:58
  If you've done stuff before, it's like my ping-pong analogy.
• 14:01
  You could tell if your partner's played ping-pong before, you
• 14:04
  know, You could tell if you're the woman that you with really
• 14:09
  enjoys doing something, or if she's good at it, this is why
• 14:12
  women who are trying to lie about their body count or men
• 14:14
  who are also trying to decrease their body cam frequently.
• 14:18
  Their kind of Trapped in a box and bed.
• 14:21
  They don't want to bring up like the full range of things that
• 14:24
  they would like to explore doing because they are lying, saying
• 14:28
  that they had less experience and they really had.
• 14:31
  So they don't want to kind of break character.
• 14:34
  They don't want to give The person any reason to question
• 14:37
  them or to doubt them. So they act more shy and
• 14:41
  reticent than they really are. And they do this during the
• 14:44
  honeymoon stage. And it seems very romantic and
• 14:46
  sweet and demure. And like, now you're really
• 14:49
  being your true self, you know, the other part of you that
• 14:52
  really was, you know, adventurous who's in the past,
• 14:55
  in the honeymoon stage, that seems good.
• 14:57
  Guess, what happens after the honeymoon stage after one point
• 14:59
  five to three years post marriage, you start to want to
• 15:02
  do stuff again. You start to want to get tied up
• 15:04
  again or whatever. What your thing is, but you can
• 15:06
  say it because you're scared that you're going to come off
• 15:09
  like you've done shit before or that you've thought about things
• 15:12
  in a different way or that you're just a more sexual person
• 15:15
  than you had ever let on when you were doing your persona,
• 15:17
  with the best of intentions, because you genuinely thought
• 15:20
  you were a whole new person now. Well, you're not whole new
• 15:23
  person, you know, nobody changes their entire personality for
• 15:28
  somebody else. And there's still part of you
• 15:30
  that wants to do whatever you were doing with the other people
• 15:33
  in your life before. And that At other stage, a very,
• 15:36
  very good example of this is in the show sex life on Netflix,
• 15:40
  which I've also written about in my block, but sex / life so you
• 15:45
  could Google that and you should watch it, you know, because it's
• 15:48
  real interesting and talk. It's this exact thing a woman
• 15:51
  had a crazy wild sex life before, but she never really let
• 15:56
  the man do about it. And then she starts to yearn to
• 15:58
  be that person. Again, she should never have
• 16:01
  lied, you know, she never should have lied, but she In love.
• 16:05
  She thought she was a new person new stage of her life.
• 16:07
  That was then, this is now Etc. Alright, so I hope that you got
• 16:11
  something out of this never ever.
• 16:13
  Ever, ever lie about anything cord to your being your number
• 16:16
  of sexual partners is core to your being.
• 16:18
  It describes who you are, it's what you were doing most
• 16:20
  Saturday nights in your 20s. So I mean, it's person doesn't
• 16:24
  know that what do they really know about your sexual history
• 16:27
  and how could you build an intimate deep connection based
• 16:30
  on lying? You're always going to have to
• 16:32
  pretend to be somebody else and you will never get the the Deep
• 16:36
  authentic fulfillment of being with somebody who loves you for
• 16:40
  you, for who you really are. And the person is very much
• 16:46
  within their rights to be very angry with you for having lied
• 16:50
  because you're, it's a lie after all as you would be if they like
• 16:53
  to you. So, yeah, you get stuck in a
• 16:56
  hell of your own making and a trap where you can never say,
• 17:00
  you know, what you actually lied about, even as you grow closer
• 17:03
  and more committed. You know, because you already
• 17:06
  lied about it. So don't lie in the first place.
• 17:09
  And if you have coarse happened to line the first place and now
• 17:11
  you decide that you'd like to tell your partner more about who
• 17:14
  you really are, they may get mad.
• 17:16
  It doesn't mean it's a deal-breaker.
• 17:18
  But I mean they might really get mad.
• 17:19
  But if it's in the service of you saying, I really feel like
• 17:22
  you don't know me as a person. I made a horrible mistake
• 17:25
  telling you that I had only slept with three people.
• 17:27
  I really slept with 30 people and I let me tell you about it.
• 17:30
  I mean, they may be really mad at may be a deal breaker, but if
• 17:33
  it isn't, I mean people get A lot of shit including
• 17:35
  infidelity, this is not infidelity.
• 17:37
  It's a lie about the past, I mean, so it's kind of different.
• 17:41
  But, you know, there are relationships where people do
• 17:44
  share secrets that they had lied about and then they grow closer,
• 17:48
  you know, you probably talk to a therapist about how to do that
• 17:50
  though. How to Broach that type of
• 17:52
  thing. If that's something that you
• 17:53
  want to do and why you're doing it, if you're doing it for
• 17:56
  purely selfish reason, it's different that if you're doing
• 17:58
  it because you actually feel terribly guilty and you want to
• 18:02
  move forward and you feel that there are sex life problems and
• 18:05
  Want to work on them. Very openly etc, etc.
• 18:07
  You know what I mean versus like?
• 18:08
  Spitefully saying to somebody in an argument?
• 18:11
  Yeah. Well, I slept with 28 more dudes
• 18:13
  than you think I did like, you know, don't do that obviously.
• 18:16
  That's insane. All right I'll talk to you soon.
• 18:18
  Bye bye.