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Blocking An Avoidant Is The Worst Mistake You Could Make · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:08
  Blocking and avoidant X can do one of two very different
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  things. It can make them either quietly
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  detached or make them obsess and wonder if they lost you.
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  It's not the same move, because blocking doesn't just remove
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  access, it changes what an avoidant nervous system feels.
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  And with avoidance, we know it's all about their nervous system.
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  That's what's making the decision for them.
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  So for some people, it's going to create pressure and for
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  others, it creates relief. And those two reactions lead to
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  two totally different outcomes. So by the end of this video,
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  you'll know exactly when blocking is going to help, when
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  it's going to backfire. And the one decision rule that
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  makes this all very simple and very obvious.
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  Now years ago I talked about blocking an X after 60 days and
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  I will put the link to that video in the upper right hand
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  corner on YouTube. And that was not to help you
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  move on, but to force clarity. And the idea was if someone
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  still cared, then losing passive access and the dopamine hit that
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  they would get from watching your stories or page would push
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  them to act and they'd either reach out or show that they
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  weren't going to. So that logic still applies.
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  That hasn't changed. Don't worry.
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  What changes everything is of course, as usual, avoidant
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  attachment. And if you're new here, hi, my
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  name is Lucia. I'm a dating and relationship
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  relationship expert specializing in helping you get your ex back
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  or to get over your ex. And welcome back to my beautiful
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  no contact army. I hope you've been staying in no
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  contact. So let's get clear about
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  blocking because people are using it in a way that sometimes
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  works against them. When I talk about blocking an
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  avoidant, I'm talking about or actually anybody.
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  I'm talking about social media, not phone, not text, and not
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  e-mail. Although I don't know how often
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  can you block via e-mail. I guess it depends on the
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  platform. So social media blocking removes
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  story watching, low effort monitoring and passive
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  regulation without vulnerability because they're using you to
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  regulate themselves after the breakup and not feel the pain by
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  watching your stories and your page.
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  If there's any chance of re engagement.
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  There has to be a clear path for someone to reach you.
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  So that's why you don't block them on everything because
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  blocking everything often resolves tension instead of
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  creating it. Especially with avoidance now.
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  Blocking. It was never about punishment
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  and it was never about disappearing.
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  It was a pressure tactic. And pressure can create movement
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  for some attachment styles, but for others, pressure shuts them
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  down. South, blocking can get someone
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  to reach out if they have a secure attachment style, they
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  have an anxious attachment style, or they're emotionally
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  available but hesitant. So in those cases, blocking
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  creates uncertainty and urgency and that's why my advice worked
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  for so many people. And by the way, this is
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  something I work through very carefully with my coaching
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  clients because one wrong move could shut things down.
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  So if you're interested in finding out about coaching with
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  me, then contact me at my website
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  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
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  And if you are in no contact right now, my Silencio app can
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  also help you to stay regulated and avoid impulsive actions,
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  especially when you're dealing with an avoidant.
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  And that is available in the App Store and Google Play.
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  And the link to that is underneath every single video
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  and podcast. OK, so why does blocking
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  backfire with avoidance? Because with avoidance, blocking
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  usually creates relief. So it relieves pressure for them
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  and it resolves ambivalence. So instead of thinking I should
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  reach out their nervous system, their boss says I don't have to
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  deal with this. So relief kills momentum.
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  Now also in another video titled Blocking an avoidant causes
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  these four things to happen. And of course, I'll put the link
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  in the upper right hand corner on YouTube.
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  I explained that avoidance can feel relieved at first and then
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  curious later, and sometimes wonder if they lost you now.
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  That's still true, don't worry. But those are stages, they're
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  not guarantees. And curiosity only shows up
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  after safety is restored, because if you block while
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  they're still deactivated, then relief wins and curiosity never
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  happens. So this is the rule I want you
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  to memorize. Oh, and before I forget, I want
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  to thank everyone who has hyped my video.
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  I really appreciate that. And if you're wondering what the
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  heck am I talking about, well, YouTube has this new feature
• 5:18
  where you can hype a video if you like it and you found it
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  helpful and they're slowly rolling it out to everyone.
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  So if you want to see if you have that feature, then just
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  look just directly underneath this video and you will see a
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  hype button. And if you are liking this video
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  then just hit that button and hype me.
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  And if you don't have that button yet, then you may either
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  need to update the app or wait for it and you will also have it
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  at some point. So again, thank you to everyone
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  who has hyped me so far. OK, so the rule I want you to
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  memorize is if blocking would calm you, then block.
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  If blocking is meant to provoke them then don't.
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  So you should block or mute or restrict if seeing their name
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  spikes anxiety or rumination. You keep checking who viewed
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  your stories, you're posting for them.
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  You can't stay in no contact without spiraling.
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  So in that case blocking is self regulation, not strategy.
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  It helps you even if it closes a door.
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  And that's a valid trade off because mental health is
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  everything right now. Do not block.
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  If you're emotionally steady, you're not obsessing or reviews,
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  you're not posting for them. Your silence already creates
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  space and contrast. So in this case, blocking
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  usually relieves pressure for them, resolves ambivalence,
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  reduces the chance of a reach out.
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  So silence alone does more work than blocking ever will.
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  So muting slash restricting is a good middle ground because you
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  don't see them but they still see you.
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  But hard blocking with avoidance is a strong signal and that's
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  often felt as rejection by them. So if you don't need to block to
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  stay regulated, then don't. And you don't need to cut off
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  the dopamine to make an avoidance come back.
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  Avoidance don't fail to reach out because they're too
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  comfortable. They don't reach out because
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  vulnerability still feels unsafe to them.
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  So removing comfort is not going to create safety.
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  Removing pressure does. Blocking is not the default move
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  with avoidance as it is with secure or anxious.
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  Blocking is not a reliable way to trigger them.
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  Blocking is appropriate only for your nervous system.
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  So if your goal is the best chance to get them back, then
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  silence plus consistency beats blocking.
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  And if your goal is peace, then block without guilt.
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  OK hope I cleared all that up. So now I want to hear from you.
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  How long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
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  And if you're wondering if you're doing no contact
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  correctly, then be sure to check out my book No Contact Secrets
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  at nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters
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  before you purchase the book. And of course, the link is
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  underneath every single video and podcasts.
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  And be sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on future videos
• 8:38
  and podcasts. And remember, love inspires,
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  empowers, uplifts and enlightens.