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Loving Someone Through Addiction: A Story of Faith, Hope, and Redemption · Still Well Podcast

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of Stillwell Podcast.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Brooke Stillwell, and I am so glad you're here joining me yet again for another conversation about all things midlife after the kids have grown up and forging our new and exciting and hopefully adventurous and purposeful path.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation is it hits me at my core.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I will warn you in advance if I get a little emotional, bear with me.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this is a conversation about family and persevering and not giving up on people, not turning your back and second chances and God's redemption and God's grace and his love and his mercy.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And just this this is going to be a really jam-packed episode.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And gosh, I don't even know where I want to start this.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I honestly, I'm just I normally I think through, um, at least have a loose idea of what I want to say to you guys before I get on.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And today I just I have so much that I want to say and so many different places that this could go, and I really haven't even given it a ton of thought.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll just see what comes up.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I really think for this particular topic, this is the best way to handle it because um it's just it's been, it's been years of a very like emotional thing for me and for my family.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't want to, I hate to say the word dumb down, but I just didn't want to minimize it or make it feel mechanical by trying to have this too rehearsed, even if it was just loosely in my mind and topics that I wanted to cover.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So hopefully I cover everything.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: But you're probably at this point saying, Can you just get on with it, Brooke?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're talking too much, which you all know by now.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: I have a tendency to do.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I just, I guess let this this has to do with my extended family.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: One of my uncles in particular.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: We just let's see here, it's been like 10 days.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be longer when you hear this podcast episode, but on the day of recording, it's been about 10 days since I went back to Pennsylvania, where I'm from, a little town outside of Pittsburgh, PA, and attended my uncle's wedding.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: His second marriage.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: He had been married once and had a little girl, and that marriage ended in divorce.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And this is his second wedding, his second marriage.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And he is the youngest of my brother's siblings.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: There were seven of them all together, an Italian family.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was number, let's see, seven, four, five.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then there was another one, my Uncle Larry, who we also lovingly call Uncle Ching.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last one, the baby, Uncle Kip or Catauto.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And he is the one who just got married.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say he must be, you know, I don't even know his exact age, but let's just call it like six seventy, sixty seven, maybe-ish.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I should have asked that maybe, but it doesn't matter.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: He's he's under the age of 70, but over the age of 60, and I think over 65.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So, uh, all that to say, why does this even matter?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why is it important?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably thinking, like, people go into second marriages all the time, people get married late in life.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Who cares?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: What's the big deal?
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the big deal is that my uncle was an addict.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: He was an alcoholic and a drug addict most of his life.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: His story started when he was a teenager and maybe even a tiny bit younger.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And for all of the time, pretty much that I knew him, he was in and out of sobriety and addiction.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I remember like looking back through my childhood and memories that I have with him.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I just remember how much like how close he was to us and how close he was to our family and how close he was to me and my brothers.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I have two younger brothers.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like the times and the memories I have spending with him are such fun, fun, happy memories because he was like the super fun uncle, the young uncle, the one that would take us places in his cool transam, or was it a sunbird?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, something like that.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I remember watching like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with him for the first time.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember him watching us and staying at our house one time when my parents traveled.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you may be going, like, well, how was all of that happening when he was dealing with an addiction?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you have any history or or walk with an addiction in your life or somebody who is addicted or has been an addict, you will probably know that it's not necessarily a constant thing.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So that was one of the hardest parts for me, and I think for all of our family, was just like you never knew what you were gonna get, and we would be so happy because there would be these time periods, even sometimes years, where my uncle was clean and sober, or at least appeared to be clean and sober, and then he would fall off the wagon.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I talk about the times we spent with him in our youth, those were times and periods that he was clean and healthy.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it's been a long road, and I really want to have this conversation coming off of his wedding and just talk to you about addiction, first of all, and what it does to a family, um, and grace and perseverance and not giving up, as I started to mention at the start, because it's such a hard thing.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a hard thing to watch somebody that you love with all of your heart seemingly throwing their lives away and being addicted and struggling with this monster, is what I'll say, monster, and having moments where you're like, why won't they make better decisions for themselves?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't they love themselves?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't they love us?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't they want to be healthy and strong?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why would they do this?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: They're such wonderful people.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Why do they keep throwing their life away?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the truth of it is, at least for me and what I believe, is that it's a sickness.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sickness and a disease, just like diabetes is a sickness and a disease, just like cancer is a sickness and a disease.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: It is somebody who is not in their right mind and not behaving the way that they necessarily want to.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And if it was easy to just say, I want to make the right decision, I want to stop doing this, they would do it.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I just, I want to start there because there's just so much there is a family member who loves someone through addiction and watching to just remember that it's not their fault, that addiction is a really, really hard and real struggle.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And we know, like, there's such a high percentage of people in this country who are addicts, who are alcoholics, who lose their life to these sicknesses daily on a regular basis.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just heartbreaking and heart-wrenching, and it's a problem.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a real, real, real problem.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's so incredibly horrific to be on the outside looking in.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I can't imagine being an addict and what you go through, but I just all I know is my own role in it as a family member and as somebody who loves an addict.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's just absolutely horrific and heartbreaking and heart-wrenching for everybody involved.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: And my uncle was somebody who actually became addicted to drugs after a surgery.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: He had a tumor along his spine that needed to be operated on at a very young age.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to quote the age because I'm not exactly sure, but I believe it was sometime in middle school, maybe a little bit earlier.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And the pain he experienced after the surgery was so bad that he had to take pain meds and he became addicted to the pain meds.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then that led into high school, which led to other, it was a gateway drug to all kinds of other things, including alcohol.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, so he he dealt with this early, early, early, early on.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And my grandparents dealt with it for years.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're talking, you know, starting at the age of middle school, well into adulthood, that he he walked this path and he was in and out of fighting this difficulty.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he wasn't somebody that was constantly out for the count and completely addicted.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like he went, he graduated from high school, he went to college, he got his doctorate in chiropractic, he had, I remember him having serious girlfriends.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: He again, he was married, he had a daughter, he worked.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, so he lived for periods of his life healthy and what it would appear to be vibrantly.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, was he doing drugs the entire way through and drinking?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: We just didn't know.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm not sure.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was a lot of that time period, I was young, but what I do know is that it was a struggle for him.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what I do remember is the times that he quote fell off the wagon, how heartbreaking it was.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what I do remember is just praying and praying for him and praying for him.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to just encourage you that if you are struggling, if you have a loved one that is an addict, if it's heaven forbid one of your children, if it's a family member, it's a friend, someone you love, the power of prayer.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot stress the importance of it daily and constant prayer.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: The amount of prayers that I lifted up to God for my uncle over the course of my life, I just prayed for him constantly.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot give up on the person that you love.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Even when it seems like all is lost, God is bigger and he hears and he answers prayers and he loves, he loves you and he loves the person that is struggling.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you that he doesn't turn an eye from people that are struggling, but you have to pray.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember my uncle, I'm gonna be all over the place here, so I hope this makes sense for you.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just putting pieces together.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: My uncle, he was close to my grandmother.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: My grandfather passed away when I was young, but my uncle, through the course of his life, was in and out of living in my grandmother's basement towards the end of her life.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: He lived there for a an extensive period of time, and he was really struggling then.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think he was holding down a lot of jobs.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I think my parents shielded me a lot from that.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: But what happened with him and what led him to his sobriety was my grandmother passing away.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And my grandmother passed away, AJ was not born yet.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: This is my youngest son.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to say it was probably 16 or 17 years ago, and it could have been actually it could have been even more like 18 or 19 years ago.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: But she passed away, and I remember going to her funeral, and we had not seen much of my uncle, even in like weeks and months, and maybe even years before that.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: At least I hadn't.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And he came to the funeral, and honestly, I didn't even recognize him.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know, and I I still, this is gonna sound so crazy, but to this day, I still feel like God shielded me from seeing what my uncle really looked like because of the pain it would create.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because what I saw was an older man walking with a cane that was bald.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when I asked my mom and said, Who is that with Aunt Melanie?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because he was walking with my aunt into the funeral, my mom said that was Uncle Kip.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I just started sobbing.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, What do you mean that was Uncle Kip?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: That was that was an old man with a cane and he was bald.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, Brooke, that was Uncle Kip.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he's definitely not bald.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: He looks a little bit older, but he's just very bloated from the drinking and from his liver shutting down.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's really, really, really bloated and swollen.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I I did not see that.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: I saw a skinny, frail old man walking with a cane, whatever the case.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I remember sobbing because I just couldn't believe that that was my uncle and that just to imagine his heartbreak.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I would just encourage you, like, it can be easy, I think, to be angry at people that are addicted, people that you love, and to want them to make a better choice and to write them off because of the pain it hurt causes you.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there were some members in our family that probably did that, that just held my uncle at arm's length or sort of wrote him off because it was just too much and they didn't think they were gonna help anyway.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I would encourage you to.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I don't know if it's right to say put yourself in their position, but just in that moment with my uncle thinking about like how he must have been coping and what he was trying to deal with and just the sorrow that he must have felt, and then on top of that, this monster of addiction on him.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, the day, I believe it was the next day after the funeral.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: If not, it was just a day or two after the funeral.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: One of his best friends went to his apartment or house to check on him and found him in the bathtub, passed out and just about to drown.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And thank God.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God that he stepped in and found him.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, he would have been a different story.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: But he ended up going to they took him to the hospital and he was in the hospital for a very long period of time.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I think he was in a coma for a very long period of time.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember asking my pastor at the time, calling him and asking him if he would go to the hospital and pray with and pray for my uncle.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was so upset and distraught, having just lost my grandmother and then my uncle dealing with this.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember my pastor saying to me, Brooke, sometimes a person has to hit absolute rock bottom before they look up.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I just remember thinking and saying to him, Yeah, but man, he's had so many rock bottoms.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like it feels like there have been so many rock bottoms, and he just doesn't look up.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, Well, you know, maybe this is the worst of the worst and the lowest of the low for him.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so my pastor went and prayed for him.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know at that point if my uncle was even, to my recollection, I don't think he was even aware.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think he was even conscious.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: I think he was still in a coma.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: But he spent days, maybe weeks in the hospital, and when he finally did start to regain his physical health and consciousness and those things, he was eventually moved into rehab.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And from rehab, continued and went into AA, and that, like I said, was maybe 18 or 19 years ago.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And praise the Lord, today he is still clean and sober and just got married.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: But the other thing that I want to mention during that time is my dad, because my dad was somebody in the family who never gave up on my uncle.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: He gave him chance after chance after chance.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: He had him working in his office, he had him with us at at holidays and family events.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: He just never gave up on my uncle.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: When my uncle went to the hospital when he was in the coma after their mother had died, he was in the hospital just about daily, if not daily.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: When my uncle finally regained consciousness, it was my dad who was there.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: He never stopped.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: He never gave up on my uncle.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it was such a powerful lesson for me to see my dad as angry as he would get at my uncle for being in his place of work and doing drugs.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, basically like breaking any trust that they had with each other and lying and all of these different things to see my dad still in the midst of that, in the midst of having so many reasons to turn his back on my uncle, not giving up on him and still staying an active part in his life.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is just well, I just I I can't even put that into words because it's such a hard thing watching him do that.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And he didn't always do it perfectly.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And he was really, really hard on my grandmother because he was so upset with my grandmother because he thought he was an she was enabling my uncle.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I can tell you that used to make me so mad.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I had words with my dad.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I was maybe 18, 19, early 20s, and just would say to him, like, Dad, can you just put yourself in her position for a minute?
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: She's a mother, like, she is so heartbroken, she's so stressed out.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you yelling at her and telling her that she's enabling him, that she needs to get him out of her house, it's not helping her, it's just creating more stress.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, those I just loved my grandmother so much and she just loved her son so much.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And to see my dad do that, like I don't necessarily agree with the ways he always handled it, but all that to say, he never gave up on my uncle.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: He never turned his back on him.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when my uncle needed him, he was always there.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's not to say that he wasn't heavy-handed because I he had hard conversations and he, you know, there were periods of our life that he was not at our house and he was not around.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so it wasn't like it was always like just coddling, but my dad never gave up hope on him.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: If my uncle needed him, he was always there.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: He was the first one at the hospital.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: He was he just fought so hard for my uncle.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to encourage any of you that are listening that are dealing with this like, don't give up, don't turn your back.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is much of a struggle and as hard it is as it is, there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: It requires a lot of prayer, it requires a lot of patience and and faith and perseverance.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: But to see my uncle now, to be in Pennsylvania and watch him walk down the aisle at his wedding and to see how far he's come.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And just watching his wife walk towards him with the love on her face and seeing them take their vows, and just the sense of God's presence and the sense of God's grace and love and redemption, how God can renew and rebuild anything, you guys, anything.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: When it I mean, my gosh, 20 years ago, nobody would have ever guessed.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: None of us would have ever guessed that my uncle would have a second chance like this.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it is possible and it does happen, but you have to remain faithful and you have to stay diligent and you have to stay in prayer and you have to believe for the best.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's just is it's so important.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't turn your back.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't turn your back.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sickness, it's a disease, but it can be overcome.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: It can be overcome.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned, Uncle had a daughter, and she is now.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: How old is she now?
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was just with her at the wedding.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, she was at the wedding.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say she's maybe 30, 30, somewhere between 30 and 35.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And she was at his wedding.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: She was one of the bridesmaids.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And she actually just got married about three or four weeks before him.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And her dad, my uncle, walked her down the aisle.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that even again, the redemption there, that, you know, when she was young, young, I mean, we're talking like baby or toddler young, her parents divorced because he was using again, and her mother knew it.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: And for them to have been able to build a relationship these last 20 years, I said to my parents there, like, God bless her mother.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Can you even just wrap your brain about that?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: The type of woman it would take to be married, to have a child, to have to divorce because your husband, the baby's father, is an addict and you know he's an addict, and in the meantime, he goes to jail.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: And to raise a daughter that is so loving and so sweet and so kind, and also the father, her father, the ex-husband, allow her to foster a relationship with him and spend time with him.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it's so moving because I don't think that is the norm.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the norm.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't even think that I really grasped that or realized that until I was on a accountability call with a uh doctor friend that's on the West Coast, and I was telling her, Yeah, I'm going to my uncle's wedding.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: And she had known that he had been an addict and he's getting married and his daughter's gonna be there.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: She's in the wedding, and she said, What?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: His daughter?
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like from when he was younger, I said yes.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, and as a matter of fact, he just walked her down the aisle at her wedding, and she said, Brooke, do you realize like how amazing that is and how uncommon it is?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I stopped for a second because I think sometimes we don't we don't I didn't.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't even really like, I knew like I was happy and I thought it was great, but it really just hit me like we need to take moments to really be grateful and to see how priceless and special things in life can be.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I didn't give that enough weight or stock until she mentioned it.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just such, again, a gift from God.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And just like so many blessings all the way around to see my uncle come through what he came through, to have a daughter that still wanted to be involved in his life, to have an ex-wife that fostered that.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of a strength and woman, I mean, it's just incredible.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's just absolutely incredible for me to think of what an amazing woman and what a strong woman that has to be to do that.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And just what a beautiful lesson in forgiveness, the power of forgiveness, and what that can look like in people's lives, even people that you think are you're gonna write off, maybe.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's just such a powerful thing.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think it's such an important thing to talk about because it's just in today's world, it just feels like there's so much talk about toxicity and writing people off because you don't want to you can't deal, or because they're harmful to you, or because you need to protect yourself or they don't deserve it, or whatever that looks like.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: It just to remember that like forgiveness is important.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much power in perseverance and mercy and grace, and we need to do more of this.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be actively doing more of this in our lives.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that we also need to talk more about addiction and alcoholism and and share and not be embarrassed by it or afraid of it or feel any shame from it.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: I I just I had a conversation with a friend at the end of summer who was sharing that she has a brother who is an addict who is living in her mother's house, and she was sharing just how horrible it's been for her and for her mother, and it was an opportunity for me.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: To come alongside her.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I I don't get it completely because it wasn't my brother, it was my uncle, but I've walked in some ways that path and to just stand alongside her and say, I know, I see you, and it's horrific, but you're not alone and you don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: These are powerful things.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so, if nothing else in sharing the story, if you're listening and you're dealing with somebody in your life right now who is addicted, or maybe you're dealing with something, just to know like there's no, there's no shame in it.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, it's more common, I think, than any of us would like to believe.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope if you're listening and you're a mother and you're dealing with it, you would just reach out and speak to people, talk to somebody that you trust and that you love, find people that can help you and mentor you and and don't don't hide yourself or be embarrassed, or please don't blame yourself or think that you know you're less than or that other people will judge you as a mother because it's just not like I I you just never know.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: You never know what a child's gonna do, what a family member's gonna do.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, unfortunately with addiction, you know, like my uncle in my uncle's case, it started from from medical reasons.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes it can be just a really good kid that just makes one bad decision.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just a tough, horrific thing, and it's just way too prevalent in this country, and there's just way too many families that are hurt by it.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And we need to talk about it more.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be talking to our kids about it.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: I remember, my gosh, when I was a kid growing up, how my dad would talk to me and my brothers constantly and incessantly about alcoholism and drug addiction because we had a lot of it in our family.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: My dad had two brothers that struggled with it, and one of them passed away, not directly because of alcoholism, but side effects.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, that's the other thing.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Addiction runs in and can run in families.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: They do believe there is a genetic component to it.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: So we we have to talk about these things.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's it is a sickness, it is a disease, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed by it or ashamed of it.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the isolation can just lead to more fear and more feelings of being out of control, and that's the last thing anybody who's dealing with addiction needs.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm making this I feel like doom and gloom, and it it is addiction is a heavy thing, but really this story is so joyful because there can be and there are happy endings, and to see again to see my uncle and to see his daughter, and to see them all dancing and to see how involved his daughter is in his wife's life now, just to see that all come full circle after the years of heartache.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you, like, in life, and we've talked about this before, like, when you go through a struggle or a hard season and something that you don't think you'll ever see good come from it, and when good does come, it is that much sweeter.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, that wedding was the best wedding probably that I've ever been at.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there was just so much joy in that room, it was so beautiful.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: I remember being on the dance floor and I was dancing by myself because I my brothers had left, my husband couldn't make it, and I didn't know a lot of the other women that were dancing.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: My parents and my aunts and uncles, they weren't on the dance floor, but I was like, I am celebrating this night, and I just remember being on the dance floor and dancing.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: I just stopped for a second and thought, Brooke, I don't think you've ever had such a big smile on your face.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: And just really feeling so much joy in my heart.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: It just it was incredible to sit at the table um at the reception with my brothers and to just talk through like our memories and how how far he's come and to just be so grateful to be there and in that important moment with our uncle and to see my dad be the best man and give this speech where he he cried almost through all of it, and just to see on his face and hear in his voice, like those years, how hard that was for him, and how he felt like he was always the bad guy, but he had to be, and he said he can finally relax now because my uncle has somebody that will be there for him and love him through everything, and it just it was just amazing.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: His daughter giving a speech, and my my dad talking about his daughter, and sharing that he really believed that she was the reason my uncle was still living because she had reached out to our family and she wanted to know us, and she had even come to my grandmother's funeral and wanted to know my grandmother, and she gave him a reason to live.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: She gave my uncle a reason to live and something to fight for.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it just, I mean, the most beautiful things can come out of the hardest things.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want to just continue to encourage you through this conversation if you are dealing with addiction right now in any way, shape, or form to please hold on to that and remember that and have hope.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: If nothing else, have hope that gosh, God can just bring so much joy in the morning that there's so much redemption in him and nothing is too big, nothing is too big for him.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's just just such such a testimony and such a testament to that.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, life can be hard and the struggles are hard, but you know, I will say, even for me, being on the outside and as painful as those years were, and the things that my uncle went through and just loving him so much, and sometimes not even being able to comprehend because I was young, and you know, once I got into high school, understanding more, and then that being even more heartbreaking, just as hard as it was, and as awful as it was, and I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through that or deal with it.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: The lessons uh that I learned through that, learning to be more compassionate, watching my dad, and learning that you show up for the people you love, no matter what that looks like and no matter how hard it is, learning to persevere, learning how important family is.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just so many lessons that were learned out of those struggles.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's another thing to keep in mind.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I talk about that in other realms, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, that you know, some of our best lessons come through the darkest periods of our lives.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: And God doesn't leave us in those moments, even when it seems quiet and seems like maybe he's not around or he's not listening, he's always listening.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I think the other thing to touch on here is just trust God's timing.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: Trust God's timing, because you know, that was probably a good almost 50 years of my uncle dealing with addiction.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm exaggerating.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: 30 to 40 years, whatever the case, let's call it 30.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of time, and God can still make all things new.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: And trust his timing and be patient.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: And just because you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel right away doesn't mean it's not coming.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: So don't give up.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give up and talk, talk to your kids about drugs and alcohol.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: Do not shy away from that topic.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: My kids knew from the time they were little that they had an uncle that was an addict that dealt with issues, and I told them hard and harsh things.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: They know things that I haven't shared here, talking to you guys.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: They know things.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: I did not want to shield them from the ugliness of that because I felt like they needed to know the seriousness.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: They needed to know and understand it because it's a serious thing.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, you know, middle school, high school, into college, you know, the partying and the fun that goes on, and my kids do it to an extent that I wish they wouldn't.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's a story for another day.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're living their college lives, but like it's easy to not think about the damage that the drugs and alcohol has.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important that we have these conversations.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's important for them to understand that just one stupid choice at one time can change your life.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: That is probably one of my biggest concerns and fears for my children, you know, and I pray for that on the regular, you know, pray for your kids, cover them in prayer, cover them in prayer because drug problems are real, unfortunately, in this country.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's probably more of us dealing with it and facing it than we talk about because it's maybe a shun topic and it shouldn't be.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: We should all be talking about this more.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, man.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: I remember like, I'll start to wrap up because I'm talking too much here, but this will be a good place to end.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad gave his speech and I was choked up.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: But then later in the reception, when his daughter got up to give her speech, my niece, who is just turning six years old, was sitting on my lap, and I think she was having a piece of cake or something.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what she was doing.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: She might have been coloring.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: And anyway, as my cousin, my uncle's daughter started talking through her speech, I just started choking up and crying and crying.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: And my niece, right away, how innocent a child can be, turned and looked at me.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Brooke, Aunt Brooke, what's wrong?
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you sad?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: What happened, Aunt Brooke?
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you crying?
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you okay?
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to say to her, Brindley, I it's happy tears.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's I'm just really, really, really happy.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes crying is sad, but sometimes crying is from joy and from happiness, and I'm so happy.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just hope that you, in the midst of me getting emotional and tearing up and talking through a really hard and difficult thing, know that a lot of that choking up that I was doing as we were talking was from just joy, from joy and happiness.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I just, I'm overwhelmed at the bigness and the goodness of our God.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: And my uncle's story is just such a testament to that.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a testament, and I'm so glad that we get to see another chapter and phase of his life.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm believing for him just as Job.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I've mentioned this for us before, but Job 42, 12, one of my favorites, and God bless Job in the second half of his life, even more than in the beginning.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm believing that for my uncle, and I'm believing that for all of us in the second phase of life.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for uh joining me for this very real and very personal conversation.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling with anything like this, you have a family member that's struggling, if you've walked the season before, reach out, even if just so you know that you're not alone.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: As you know, I am not a I'm not a counselor, I'm not a licensed therapist.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: You obviously need to, in situations like this, involve somebody that is a professional, but just as a friend, just to know that you're not alone.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you have anything to add, let me know because it may help somebody else.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you have anything that you want me to to address on this podcast, you know now, if you didn't know before, you know after listening to this one that I address and talk about hard topics.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: So let me know.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_00: The email is Brooke with an E at the end at the Stillwell Mom.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I read every email and I'm always responding to the emails.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I even talk about one of the emails or subject content from the email on the podcast only if you say it's okay.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: And you can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook at the Stillwell Mom.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: The website is www.thillwellmom.com, where I have free resources, the seven must-haves to live an um amazing um next chapter of life.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I just hope that this, in the midst of this being a hard conversation, I hope it was encouraging.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, whether you are or not dealing with somebody that has addiction in their life, just as an encouragement to believe and to know there is redemption and to believe and act in forgiveness and mercy and grace.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: And God is so good.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I want you to just hold on to that with all your heart and remember it.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope that you take that away above all else from this conversation.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, remember that you don't have to do midlife alone.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can always choose stewardship over striving, and you can be strong in body, steady in mind, and rooted in faith.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.