Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 362: Tammys Takes #41 How Childhood Trauma Keeps Your Nervous System Stuck in Survival Mode

Transcript

E 362: Tammys Takes #41 How Childhood Trauma Keeps Your Nervous System Stuck in Survival Mode · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Hello everybody, and welcome back to another episode of Tammy's Takes, where we take powerful conversations with our guests and turn them into practical strategies you can use right here, right now.
• 0:10
  So first of all, I wanna talk a little bit about Tammy's Takes, because a lot of people are like, "What the hell is Tammy's Takes?"
• 0:15
  Every time I have a guest on, I lay in bed at night and I think about our conversation, and things just come through my head, and I'm always constantly thinking thinking, thinking.
• 0:24
  And what I realized is those thinking things that I'm thinking about are things that I wanna teach you guys, are things that I wanna put into simple strategy, simple techniques, simple things that you can do on a daily
• 0:36
  basis to make your life a little easier, a little simpler, and maybe move forward in this whole healing game a little quicker, right?
• 0:43
  So that's what Tammy Takes it- Tammy's Takes is.
• 0:45
  And I think there's about 40 of them now at this point, and you can literally go back and binge watch all 40 of them.
• 0:51
  They're only five to seven minutes.
• 0:53
  They're real quick, but it's just something that I wanna teach real quick from the episode that happened before.
• 0:58
  Today's episode actually comes from the conversation that I had yesterday with Holly Hague.
• 1:04
  And if you did not listen to the conversation yet, I encourage you go back and listen to it.
• 1:08
  Holly shared an incredible story of surviving childhood abuse, living with autoimmune disease, and ultimately rebuilding her health by healing both emotionally and physically.
• 1:18
  But there was one sentence that she said that I haven't been able to stop thinking about.
• 1:22
  She said, "I had to become my own safe person."
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  And I thought, "Oh my gosh, that might be one of the most important lessons that any adult child of dysfunction will ever learn."
• 1:35
  'Cause here's what no one tells us.
• 1:37
  The reason that you struggle with anxiety, the reason you overthink everything, the reason that you have a hard time setting boundaries, the reasons you say yes when you wanna say no, the reason you feel responsible for everybody else's
• 1:48
  situations is because your nervous system is still waiting for someone to tell you that it's safe, that it's safe to just exist.
• 1:58
  Most people think people are looking for confidence or motivation or happiness, but really what we're looking for is just simply one word, and that is safety.
• 2:10
  Think about your h- childhood for just a minute.
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  Just a minute.
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  Who was your safe person?
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  Was it your mom, your dad, your grandma, your grandpa, your aunt, your uncle, a teacher?
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  Who was it?
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  Maybe you never had one.
• 2:22
  But if you're anything with like the clients that I work with, it doesn't matter you- you can find one, right?
• 2:30
  And if you can't find one, maybe you just have to be that safe person for yourself.
• 2:36
  Because honestly, maybe a lot of times, and this happened in my case, the people that were supposed to protect me and the people that were supposed to be the, the safest in my world were the people that I
• 2:46
  needed protection from.
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  And I look at my dad, like my dad was not abusive in any stretch of the imagination, but he was emotionally unavailable, so he still wasn't my safe person.
• 2:57
  Sometimes you're struggling with things.
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  You're growing up with addiction.
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  You grew up with parents that struggled with mental illness or depression It's not your fault, and sometimes your parents or your caregivers or the people that were supposed to keep you safe were so i- wrapped up in their
• 3:16
  own pain that there simply wasn't room for you.
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  So your nervous system adapted.
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  It did what it had to do.
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  It survived.
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  It became brilliant at surviving.
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  It learned a couple things, though, and a couple things, if these resonate with you, let me know.
• 3:32
  How many times have you thought to yourself, or how many times have you say it to yourself, "If I can just make everyone happy, things will be good.
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  If I don't make anyone mad, things will be safe.
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  If I read the room before I walk into it, no danger can come to me"?
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  What about when they asked you who you are and you say, "I can become whoever you need me to be," because it feels safe?
• 3:56
  How many times have you told yourself or thought to yourself or even put yourself in a situation and you thought, "That might make me feel safe"?
• 4:05
  The problem is your nervous system has not gotten the message yet that you're not seven anymore.
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  You're not five, you're not three, you're not two, you're not all of those ages at which you learn these adaptive skills of staying safe.
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  So it still feels as if there's danger around every corner.
• 4:25
  That's why healing isn't about just changing your thoughts.
• 4:28
  Healing is teaching your body a new, safe experience, a brand-new experience some of you may never have even thought about experiencing.
• 4:38
  One where And I guess the easiest way to put it is you need an experience where you become the safe adult your younger self needed and never had.
• 4:48
  I tell my clients all the time: healing begins the day you stop asking, "Who's going to rescue me?
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  Who's going to save me?"
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  Start asking, "How can I show up for myself today?
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  How can I not abandon myself today?"
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  Because every single time that you do that, every single time, whether it's setting a boundary, whether it's saying no without guilt, whether it's nourishing your foo- yourself with proper food, nutrition, exercise, whatever it is.
• 5:14
  Even the times that you have that little critic sitting on your shoulder and you decide to, instead of entertaining their thoughts, just speak kindly to yourself.
• 5:23
  How about every time you just apologize for existing?
• 5:27
  These are the things that we do, and it's because our nervous system doesn't feel safe.
• 5:32
  But every time you change and every time you stop abandoning yourself in those situations and you help yourself, you're sending one very powerful message to your nervous system, my friends.
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  You're saying, "I got you.
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  I'm not going anywhere.
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  I'll protect you now.
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  I know the things that happened to you weren't your fault, but I'm here now."
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  And let's go.
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  That's really what you're telling it.
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  That is how you build trust with yourself.
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  Not overnight, not one decision.
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  This is gonna take time, guys.
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  This is gonna take time, but it's one safe choice at a time.
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  So today, you know I give exercises.
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  Everything's all about an exercise, and I'm gonna give you something to do today.
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  The next time you feel overwhelmed, do not immediately jump in to how you can fix it.
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  Just pause, put your hand on your heart Take a deep breath and ask yourself three questions.
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  First, one, what am I feeling?
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  Not what am I thinking, but what am I feeling?
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  What am I actually feeling in my body?
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  Two, what do I need right now?
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  What do I need?
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  What do I need that's gonna make me even just 1% better?
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  Maybe it's a glass of water.
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  Maybe it's going for a walk.
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  Maybe it's phoning a friend.
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  Maybe it's letting yourself cry or beat up your pillow.
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  Whatever it is, just do it.
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  Ask yourself, "What do I need?"
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  And then honor the answer that you get.
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  And number three, ask yourself, "If the wounded little child version of myself..."
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  And it doesn't matter whether they're two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, whatever they are, "If they were standing right in front of me at this moment, what would I say to them?"
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  Because I guarantee you wouldn't tell them that they were stupid.
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  You wouldn't tell them to get over it.
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  Of course not.
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  You wouldn't do that.
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  You have to start treating yourself like your own best friend.
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  So ask yourself, "What would I say to my little self right now?"
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  Think about that.
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  What would you say?
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  You're gonna say, "It's okay, baby, I got you.
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  We're safe.
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  We're here.
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  You don't have to do this alone anymore."
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  So here is the important part, though.
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  Say those exact words.
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  Say them to yourself.
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  Feel them.
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  Feel that love, because your nervous system doesn't know whether the words are coming from a place of forced...
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  It doesn't know if it's coming from a place of your seven-year-old self, or it doesn't know if it's coming from you.
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  It only knows one thing, and it knows that the message feels safe, and that is what we're trying to do.
• 8:04
  We're trying to get a safe message out there to your body, to your nervous system.
• 8:08
  So when Holly was talking, one of the things that I absolutely loved that she said, and it again reiterates everything I'm always trying to say here, is that healing doesn't happen in one moment.
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  It doesn't happen in one choice.
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  It doesn't happen at...
• 8:22
  There's no one big aha, hit in the head with a two-by-four transformation when it's healing.
• 8:28
  It is literally about making small, tiny choices over and over again, and I agree 100% with that.
• 8:34
  You probably, if you've listened to any of my other episodes, you know that I say this a lot.
• 8:38
  Healing isn't a breakthrough.
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  It's a thousand tiny moments where you choose yourself over abandoning yourself, or you choose yourself over those survival patterns that you have so beautifully adapted, but we need to work on getting rid of.
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  So it's a deep breath.
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  It's setting a boundary.
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  It's a healthy meal.
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  It's just being kind to yourself.
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  It's going for a walk.
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  These are the moments that are going to start telling your nervous system that you are safe.
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  You just need a moment, a no- a moment where your body says, "I am worth taking care of.
• 9:13
  I'm worth it."
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  And you know I'll tell you all day long you're worth it, but you have to believe it.
• 9:18
  You have to truly believe it in your heart or you are not going to act like you are.
• 9:23
  So If you're thinking about that, and you're thinking, "Oh my God, that is so me.
• 9:28
  I say these things to myself all the time, and I'm constantly abandoning myself," I'm glad you're here, because you're in the right place.
• 9:35
  Because awareness is where healing begins.
• 9:38
  Awareness is the first step.
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  So if you're saying, "Oh my goodness, what do I do?"
• 9:42
  you need a road map.
• 9:43
  You need a road map, right?
• 9:44
  It's not an A to Z plan, but it helps to have a road map.
• 9:48
  That's exactly why I created a course I have.
• 9:50
  It's called Trials to Triumph.
• 9:51
  It's an adult child's beginning road map to your healing journey.
• 9:55
  So I created literally specifically for people who are just starting to see, "Oh my gosh, my dysfunctional childhood did have a big impact on me.
• 10:04
  It did change the way I look at the world.
• 10:06
  It did change the way I'm showing up in the world," and you wanna change, right?
• 10:11
  So it's not about fixing you, because you're not broken, and I want you to hear that.
• 10:15
  I- it's not about fixing you.
• 10:17
  It's about helping you understand why you became the way you became, and giving you practical tools to get back to the were you...
• 10:25
  the you were before life lifed on you.
• 10:28
  So I want everybody to have access to this program.
• 10:31
  I think it's incredibly valuable.
• 10:33
  It's an eight-week g- self-guided program.
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  You go through it on your own rate time.
• 10:38
  You have constant access to me to talk about, to ask questions, to get whatever you need.
• 10:43
  But right now I'd like to offer it to you in the show notes at 90% off the normal price.
• 10:48
  So for just pennies, literally pennies, you can begin on your healing journey, and you can start to get some of those tools that might just jumpstart that journey for you.
• 11:00
  If you'd rather hit me up personally and talk to me personally, I'm 100% cool with that, too.
• 11:04
  Schedule a call.
• 11:05
  It's a complimentary clarity and call c- comm call.
• 11:07
  We just get on, we chat about whatever you wanna know, and the next steps.
• 11:11
  Because, like I said, a little guidance, a little help, a little road ma- map along the way will never hurt anybody, right?
• 11:19
  So it doesn't matter whether it's working with me, taking the course, just staying on my podcast and listening, looking up other podcasts, reaching out to other coaches.
• 11:27
  Whatever it is, just keep taking the next step, because you so deserve it.
• 11:33
  Like I said, and I've mentioned 1,000 times, Holly talked about it again, healing doesn't happen all at once.
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  It happens one safe choice at a time.
• 11:41
  So thank you so much for spending time with me today, these three- few minutes.
• 11:44
  I know these Tammy Takes are very quick, but if you get one thing from them, if you get one little thing, I've done my job.
• 11:52
  So if this episode spoke to you, please do me a favor: share, subscribe, and pass it along to someone who might be struggling.
• 11:59
  Pass it along to someone who might be interested in what we have to say.
• 12:03
  And until next time, remember you are enough.
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  You always have been.
• 12:07
  You are worthy of every good thing that is coming your way.
• 12:10
  You all have a blessed and amazing day, and I will see you back soon.
• 12:14
  Take care.