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Inviting Strangers to Sleep In A Hearse? · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here? But first we're
0:05
gonna make a little detour. So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos. Expect
0:16
the detour. Um, you good? Yes. You gonna do that
0:27
the whole time? I might have to cut out a lot
0:28
of coughs. I might have to cut out a lot of coughs
0:31
in this episode. It'll be fine, I'm gonna, I'm
0:35
a professional. He's gonna lock in. I'm gonna
0:38
lock in now. We weren't recording earlier, so.
0:41
This episode's gonna be like as if you put a
0:44
recording device in 12th century Europe with
0:47
just people dying in the streets from the Black
0:50
Plague. I just saw Alan, and he just constricted
0:54
his lungs manually, and he's ready. The coughing
1:00
is gonna stop here. I want a covenant with the
1:03
two of you. I'm an audio professional. And this
1:06
coughing is, it's done. This is the second time
1:10
he's declaring he's an audio professional. At
1:12
some point, he's just overcompensating. He's
1:15
drawn the line in the metaphorical sand, and
1:17
he's ready to play in that sand. Shirtless. And
1:21
I can do more than lines, too. I can draw many
1:23
things in sand. Circles, triangles. Really, the
1:26
skill gap is just, between him and everybody
1:29
else, is huge. It's like watching a professional
1:31
athlete draw. Shapes in the sand. Start a league.
1:38
Adult men playing in sand. But anyway, welcome
1:42
to Questionable Detour. Alan's sick, but he's
1:44
a professional, and he's going to contract his
1:46
lungs manually to make sure he doesn't cough
1:49
into the mic and ruin this for us. I've tightened
1:53
up. This is a professional program. We've got
1:55
people that want to hear what we have to say,
1:58
and I'm not going to be the weak link of an already
2:02
weak link. podcast you know the welds are not
2:06
strong on these chains the guy that made this
2:09
chain was week one of welding school and he did
2:13
not come back for week two it was the short bus
2:16
of welding school but uh We're going to jump
2:18
right into Hypotheticals today because we have
2:20
a listener voicemail to get to. We have Hypotheticals
2:24
and a third segment that I'm sure we will figure
2:26
out by the end of the other two segments. We
2:29
plan here. I don't know if y 'all know this.
2:31
We plan. It's a full docket today. The fun part
2:34
about it is we learn what the segment is the
2:36
same time y 'all do. Yeah, so let's go to jump
2:41
into it. And just as a quick reminder. If you
2:44
want to leave us a voicemail, the link is in
2:46
the description of this episode. Just click it,
2:48
hit record, and it sends right to us. You can
2:50
ask us a hypothetical. You can ask us for some
2:54
advice. Or you can just give us a random string
2:58
of thoughts. We'll take anything. We are desperate.
3:02
We need to hear your voices. We need attention.
3:05
But you also can do that on email. You can go
3:07
to questionabledetour .gmail .com and do the
3:10
exact same thing. But anyway, let's do a hypothetical.
3:13
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely
3:16
hypothetical question? I guess I want to apologize
3:20
for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's
3:22
a hypothetical question. All right, there's a
3:25
lot of great American things. You think baseball,
3:28
you think hot dogs, you think the eagle. But
3:31
one of the great American traditions is road
3:34
trips, right? You see it in movies, you see it
3:36
in books. It always seems like the best part
3:42
of the adventure. And in fact... One of the sayings
3:45
you often hear is it's not about the destination.
3:47
It's about the journey. I want to know how y
3:50
'all go on road trips. How do you handle road
3:52
trips? What's it like if one of our Saturday
3:54
workers listening were to go on a road trip stuck
3:58
in a car for 10 hours, 12 hours, 20 hours? What
4:02
would they see? What would they experience? You
4:04
guys know me. I'm a man of culture. I'm a man
4:09
that likes to learn new things. I'm curious.
4:12
I'm spontaneous. I'm a little bit flirty. So
4:19
when I go on road trips, I like to take in the
4:24
culture of each place I'm passing. And I want
4:27
to know, you know, what's unique about this city
4:30
that I'm going through? Just kind of see what
4:32
the locals are seeing. So when I'm on road trips
4:35
and I'm passing through a town, I'll... Get off
4:37
on that exit. No, no. I'll take that exit, and
4:43
I'll just find a nice dirt patch within that
4:46
city, and I'll just wallow around. Just wallow
4:49
around in the dirt, roll around, kick up some
4:51
dirt, and get it all over my body just so I can
4:54
kind of take it in. So, okay, that was a crazy
4:58
long explanation to somebody that just is getting
5:01
into dirt. Alan, follow me here. Are you not
5:04
envisioning Evan as some, like, weird mammal
5:08
anteater just grubbing around looking for worms,
5:12
sticking his nose in just the holes of trunks
5:16
of trees, right? He's just eating grubs. One
5:19
thing I know about Evan, and our listeners, this
5:22
is just a peek behind the curtain, he is an all
5:24
-fours guy. Anytime that he has the opportunity
5:29
to be on all fours, you know, just crawling around
5:32
the home, that's what he does. So, yes, I do
5:36
see him as anteater -like. All fours is more
5:40
tactically sound. No, you're not wrong. You're
5:43
like a pit bull that salt sees an intruder. Like
5:46
the hair raises on the top of your head. And
5:48
down my spine. Yeah, and down your spine. So
5:52
you have not denied that you probably are eating
5:55
the bugs, the insects that populate this new
5:59
area. I'm not going to say I deny it. I don't
6:02
support it. But you do it. It's very conflicting
6:06
in your personality. It's one of those things
6:08
where do I do it? Sure. Do I like it? No. But
6:12
I feel like I have to to truly experience the
6:15
cultures. And you're. Going to maybe the people's
6:18
houses and you're maybe checking the wood for
6:21
termites. Are you using a prosthetic nose or
6:24
are you just using your regular nose to kind
6:27
of get in there and root around? I'm using a
6:31
prosthetic nose, but the mechanism of suction
6:35
is still my nose. So it's... You're sneezing
6:38
a lot. Yeah, you are just inhaling the dirt.
6:43
Just dirt and wood chips. Just mold. A lot of
6:48
mold spores make it up into your nose. You'd
6:51
be surprised the amount of mold you run into
6:54
rooting around in rotten wood. The termites are
6:57
actually very tasty. That's the one that I think
7:01
if I had to do it over again, I would. So let
7:04
me ask you this. You're going on a road trip
7:06
here. Does the vehicle you're driving in just
7:08
look like a jalopy pest control vehicle? As you're
7:12
traveling to these places, masquerading as a
7:15
pest control worker. But really, you're just
7:17
trying to get into these people's houses, manually
7:19
rip apart the walls to get in to get these insects.
7:22
Sure. Did I buy an old dilapidated pest control
7:25
truck? Sure. Sure. Am I trying to trick people?
7:28
No, because I am controlling pests. I wouldn't
7:31
call it a company. It's more of a hobby. Yeah,
7:34
you're not asking for payment. No. You receive
7:37
your payment just in the experience that you
7:39
get, as you say, rooting around. I'm getting
7:42
payment in the friend. The payment is the friends
7:44
you made along the way. Amen. And the grubs you
7:47
ate along the way. And that's kind of what this
7:48
whole hypothetical is about, is it's not about
7:51
the journey. It's not about doing a service for
7:53
somebody else. It's about experiencing life in
7:56
a new way. Yeah. And that new way is introducing
8:01
me to new bugs and new houses that maybe I'm
8:04
able to root around in. suction out and experience
8:07
the culture of the city. Right, the culture of
8:11
the city. All right, all right. So you walk up
8:13
to the house, you knock on the door. I assume
8:15
you do this professionally. I don't know why
8:18
I assume that. You very well could just snap
8:20
a rock through a window and break it that way.
8:23
But professionally, you mean headbutt in the
8:27
door? It's not even headbutting, it's facebutting.
8:29
It's facebutting. I'm trying to check for termites.
8:32
Trying to check if it's hollow. Most people think
8:35
you might headbutt it by maybe the top of your
8:37
head or the forehead. No, it's just, it's like
8:40
your face is just facing the door and you're
8:42
slamming it in the door over and over and over
8:44
again. Of course. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.
8:46
As the homeowner opens that door and they look
8:49
at this front door that is now dented, bloodied,
8:53
you look like you've been in a fight with Mike
8:55
Tyson. How do you pitch the service that you
8:59
want to give? And is it just a bunch of very
9:02
quick tongue flicks? That maybe you're just showing
9:05
off your ability to lap up bugs. But you don't
9:09
say anything. You're like, words are cheap. Action.
9:12
Action means everything. And maybe you just look
9:15
like a snake in Fast Forward. Yeah. I mean, it's
9:19
one of those things where you could say a bunch
9:22
of things. And you could use a lot of words.
9:26
And they could be good words. Sure. Or they could
9:29
be bad words. Yeah. Like curse words. Yeah, I
9:32
could just be cussing them out. Yeah. But what
9:35
good is that? Nobody, like, what are words without
9:38
action? So, of course, I like to show them, hey,
9:41
this is what I'm going to be doing. I'm going
9:43
to be sitting here. You know? I'm going to. Do
9:49
that again. Do that again. I'm going to be. I'm
9:51
going to find your termites. I'm going to. You
9:53
know? And so I don't even. It's like, why even
9:57
say that when I can just show them. Yeah. You
10:01
know? Do you find that. When you make that noise,
10:05
that that generally convinces them that you know
10:09
what you're doing? I'd say so. They immediately
10:11
slammed that door back in my face, giving me
10:14
the notion that they want me to continue to slam
10:17
my head against it to check for termites. Yeah,
10:19
they're like, please check this door for termites.
10:21
Exactly. So I continue my inspection on that
10:23
door, and a lot of them are rock solid. Termites
10:27
don't get in the front door very often, I just
10:29
gotta say that much. But you gotta be thorough.
10:31
You gotta do your checks. You gotta make sure.
10:34
I got to keep banging my head against the door.
10:35
I assume your motivation rarely wanes. So eventually
10:39
your face comes through that door. The homeowners
10:42
looking at you, your head that is now through
10:45
that door. And you give them the little, little,
10:48
little again. You're like, check this tongue
10:50
out. Yeah. It's like, here's Johnny from The
10:53
Shining. Yeah. This is Evan's head through the
10:56
door doing the blah, blah, blah. That's if the
11:00
door is rotten. If it's a solid door, I'm not
11:02
making my way through that. They open the door
11:04
back up. It's him laying on his back completely
11:07
unconscious. Concussed. Yeah. I mean, if it's
11:11
a rotten door, I'll Johnny him for sure. And
11:13
give him the blah, blah, blah. Just to show them
11:16
that, hey, your door's messed up. I'm going to
11:18
get the termites out of this. I mean, if they
11:20
don't have termites in their door, then I'll
11:21
go around the foundation and just kind of slam
11:24
my head against the foundation a little bit.
11:26
And maybe I find my way through a wall. And here's
11:29
Johnny through a wall. If I can find just a weak
11:32
point. I'm just a sucker for a weak point in
11:34
a structure. And it's true. You get up in their
11:37
attic and you try to find weak points in their
11:39
attic. It's almost like you're playing Mario
11:42
where you're jumping from point to point until
11:45
you find a weak point in their ceiling. You fall
11:47
right through the ceiling. Yeah. You break an
11:50
ankle, bones sticking out. Yeah, but it's worth
11:53
it to find the vulnerabilities for these people.
11:56
So I can experience their culture. You are all
11:59
about customer service when it benefits you.
12:03
And I love that. I love that. Exactly. So what?
12:06
You fall through your ceiling. You give them
12:09
a point up. Obviously, you're feeling screwed
12:15
is what that means. Yeah. You drag yourself back
12:17
into the attic to do it again to find the next
12:19
weak point. Yeah. Drag myself on my hands and
12:23
knees because my ankle is broken, shattered in
12:25
multiple places from the fall. The other thing
12:27
people don't realize is people don't take fire
12:30
safety strong enough in America. They do say
12:34
that. That's the one wrong thing with America.
12:36
Yeah. While I'm up there, I just like to start
12:38
a fire. Okay. Just to check. Check if they know.
12:42
If they know what to do in the event of a fire,
12:45
because I don't want people to be caught by surprise
12:49
when a fire happens. Well, too many people haven't
12:51
experienced a house fire. They've experienced
12:55
fake fire drills where they know that there's
12:59
no immediate danger. But I think what people
13:02
need is an open flame in their home to really
13:07
show them that their life is in danger. Exactly.
13:09
Thank you, Alan. And a man up in the attic just
13:12
bumping and banging around. Crawling on all fours.
13:17
They hear him crawl overhead, bumping and banging,
13:19
and all of a sudden they hear, and just start
13:21
hearing a flint. And he tries a light, just some
13:27
paper upstairs. And they see their thermostat
13:29
just rising, the numbers on it rising, and they
13:33
hear crackling. That's no smoke. And I started
13:39
the fire between me and the attic door, of course.
13:42
So I'm stuck in the attic trying to find a weak
13:45
point. See, that's the thing is it also helps
13:47
me. You know, I get complacent sometimes. You
13:50
know, I'm not always trying my best to find those
13:53
weak points. So I like to start that fire to
13:56
just get a little bit of passion inside myself
13:58
to find that weak point. Because when there's
14:04
a fire and you're trapped in an attic. You really
14:07
need to find a weak point. You're going to do
14:08
the work. You're going to. So I imagine that
14:11
you get up there. You've fallen through the attic
14:13
quite a few times. Honestly, anybody would lose
14:15
motivation after they've broken both ankles and
14:17
maybe an elbow. Yeah. And you crawl back up to
14:20
that attic and you're like, no motivation. You're
14:23
laying there. Yeah, you're doing some tongue
14:24
flicks, but they're lazy tongue flicks. Yeah.
14:26
They have no soul behind them. Yeah. You just
14:30
get this overwhelming sense of self and purpose.
14:34
And you're like, I have to motivate. I have to
14:37
motivate myself. And you put yourself in a life
14:41
and death situation to really help you push to
14:43
the next level. Exactly. Because like we said
14:46
before, there's nothing I care more about than
14:48
customer satisfaction. So I want to make sure
14:50
that they know that I'm trying my best. So I'll
14:53
do whatever it takes to will myself to find more
14:57
weak points. What other ways do you motivate
14:59
yourself other than maybe burning yourself alive?
15:02
I think what Zach wants to know is, have you
15:03
ever shot your way out of a house? I think the
15:07
big motivation for Evan is if he gets out of
15:10
this house, he's saying this to himself, I can
15:13
go out to the homeowners and want them one more
15:16
time. Just really show them the skill that I
15:18
possess, the tongue skill that I possess. Because,
15:21
I mean, you know that made their day. You know
15:23
they're going to talk about that at family dinners
15:25
from here on out. Or when they're talking to
15:28
the fire department as they show up to the house,
15:30
they're going to probably bring up that you were
15:32
there. It's going to be on their mind, I think,
15:37
is what we're trying to say. Yeah, he lit a fire
15:40
in the house, but he also lit a fire in our hearts.
15:43
If you can leave an impression on somebody, that's
15:46
what road trips are about. Oh, yeah, that's what
15:49
this is. That's right. It's really less about
15:52
road trips than just the places you break down
15:55
with your pest control truck to then sexually
15:57
harass a homeowner. And be an arsonist. More
16:02
like an acid trip than a road trip. Okay, as
16:06
we kind of finalize this, it's hard for me to
16:11
conceptualize how this happens when you walk
16:14
up to somebody's house to try to sell them on
16:17
your skills. Alan, do you want to maybe play
16:20
the homeowner? Yeah, absolutely. I just kind
16:23
of want to see how this situation plays out live.
16:26
Evan, do your thing. Show us the skill that you
16:29
possess. Okay. Hey there, guy. What's going on
16:39
out here? Run that by me one more time. Okay.
16:51
I've got to admit, I'm not fluent on whatever
16:54
language you're speaking there, my friend. You're
16:57
banging the crap out of my front door. Okay,
17:03
now, there's no need to get angry about it. It's
17:08
my door. I should be the one that's angry. Okay.
17:12
Hey, honey, who's at the front door? I wish I
17:15
could tell you. It's the freak of nature. Oh,
17:20
hello. He is a freak of nature. Honey, please
17:25
go back. Please get back to the kitchen. Wait.
17:28
Oh, goodness gracious. Absolutely not. Go ahead
17:36
and turn right on around and get back in the
17:38
kitchen. Okay, I'm going to turn around slowly.
17:41
Just, you know, keep the door open. Hey, anteater
17:44
guy, why don't you dial it back a second? Maybe
17:47
you should go and compare. Give me one of those
17:50
things he's doing. Honey, I think our schedule
17:53
is more than enough right now. You need to just
17:56
get back inside. I'll handle this man. Look,
18:01
sir. I don't know what you're here for, but I'm
18:03
going to have to ask you to leave. You got termites?
18:06
Oh, okay. Okay. So the whole other language thing,
18:10
that was just a lie? A facade? You seem kind
18:14
of stupid. Listen, my intelligence level has
18:18
nothing to do with this situation. You're banging
18:22
your head against my door. He's banging what,
18:25
honey? I'm sorry. I wasn't... I promise I wasn't
18:29
listening, but I overheard you say he was banging
18:30
something. What was that? You come on out here,
18:32
all right? Okay. Wow, Evan. A road trip. Mostly
18:38
you not on the road. Very... It's about the pit
18:41
stops. Yeah. But really, I mean, roads involve
18:44
the pit stops and the stops in different areas.
18:47
It's, again, it's not about the destination.
18:49
It's about the journey. And for some reason...
18:51
For you, the journey is harassing small town
18:54
USA with your tongue in. Tongue in my fire. All
18:59
right, Alan, you're setting off on a long road
19:01
trip, hours ahead of you in the car. What's that
19:04
like for you? How do you handle that? So one
19:06
of the things I think that people overlook when
19:10
thinking about a road trip is just comfort and
19:13
travel. And I think people haven't quite found
19:16
the correct vehicle for a road trip, but I have.
19:19
I have chosen the funeral home favorite, a hearse,
19:23
as the vehicle of choice for my road trip because
19:26
I have a fear of hotels. Just fear of any, like
19:29
a front desk in general. The authority that that
19:32
wields really frightens me. So I don't want anything
19:35
to do with a hotel. So I just sort of make up
19:38
a bed in the back of this hearse. And thankfully,
19:41
a lot of the times they they come with a coffin.
19:44
So I've already got a bit of a structure there.
19:46
And when, you know, the sun's getting real low,
19:49
I just pull over and. Sleep in my coffin. So
19:53
you're scared of hotel concierge, but you're
19:55
not scared of being trapped in a coffin? You
19:57
know, death is a fact of life. So is checking
20:02
into hotels. The hotel industry, I don't know.
20:05
I think they're out to get me. So let me ask
20:08
you this. Aside from your weird conspiracy theories
20:11
about travel arrangements, what if somebody else
20:14
is like you? May autism. Sure. Legs shorter than
20:17
the other. Severe depression. Severe depression.
20:23
What if they're also afraid of hotels? Maybe
20:26
they're driving their car. It's a lot less cool
20:29
than yours, admittedly. Obviously. And they're
20:31
afraid of hotels. Maybe they come and knock on
20:33
the back of your hearse window and maybe go,
20:37
hey, I'm afraid of hotels. Can I stay with you
20:39
in this very spacious vehicle that has a lot
20:42
of life in it? I assume this has happened to
20:45
you many times. Many times. Okay. How do you
20:48
handle that? The hearse is an inviting ride.
20:52
A little long wheelbase situation. So when people
20:55
knock on that back door, I open little curtains
20:57
that come customary on all hearse windows. And
21:00
you know they're like, hey, can I get in there?
21:03
I'm trying to go to sleep. And I say, yes, but
21:06
you have to bring your own coffin. And that's
21:08
kind of what people don't know is the hearse,
21:10
all hearses come with one coffin. But if you
21:12
want to add two, it has to be constructed. By
21:15
the person using it. You're talking about an
21:18
actual coffin and not just people coughing because
21:22
they're sick. Correct. Like expelling air rapidly
21:26
to maybe clear an air passageway. You don't want
21:29
them coming in coughing. No, I don't. I don't
21:31
want them coming in coughing, mainly because
21:33
I don't believe in COVID. And so if they come
21:37
in and they're coughing, then that. lends credence
21:41
to the fact that you know covid might be a thing
21:43
which i don't believe it is so yeah they have
21:46
to bring their own coffin and i know you said
21:48
you didn't want people coming in coughing because
21:49
you don't believe in covid is the reason you
21:53
don't use sleeping bag is because you're anti
21:55
-sax yeah the anti -sax community they uh Small
22:00
but growing. It's not something we look forward
22:03
to, I don't think. And you do tests to see if
22:06
they're anti -sax. You do a screening process,
22:09
maybe to check if they've had saxines. Saxines.
22:14
You do a whole process. Nobody gets in there
22:17
if they have sleeping bags. If they've been saxinated.
22:20
If they've been saxinated, there's no way they're
22:24
getting into my hearse. That's just my point
22:28
of view. You may have another point of view,
22:30
and that's okay. It's wrong, but it's okay. It's
22:33
wrong, but here in my hearse, no sacks. You know,
22:39
I like how your hearse just has... really rigid
22:43
beliefs being all anti -SACs. So let's say they
22:46
pass all the tests. They're anti -SACs. They
22:48
never got a SACcine. They get in the hearse with
22:50
you. They crawl in there. You're sleeping in
22:53
your coffin. How does that sleeping arrangement
22:55
go? Because now you're just sleeping in a car
22:58
on the side of a highway with a stranger. Not
23:00
as weird as it sounds. We've got a bunk bed situation
23:03
going on. So I'm a top bunk. I like to get out
23:06
in the middle of the night and use the restroom
23:09
if I have to. I don't want to be trapped. under
23:11
the other coffin sure you know um i like the
23:14
freedom to you know move about when you say get
23:17
out to use a restroom you just mean your coffin
23:19
you're using the restroom in the car yes yeah
23:21
yeah you know there's a lot of room back there
23:25
in one of those hearses it's a it's a roomy area
23:28
and i've got a bathroom set up it is a An empty
23:31
whole milk gallon. One in each corner? Ones and
23:36
twos, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I
23:38
assumed it was, it's like a game to him. He just
23:40
stands in the middle, sees which one he can hit.
23:43
No, we keep our ones and twos separate. You're
23:47
a modern man. Obviously, yeah, yeah. And so,
23:50
one's our driver's side, two is passenger. And
23:54
there's no difference in... in the milk gallon
23:57
shape though so it's it's gonna be the same same
24:00
opening shape for number one or number two right
24:03
which is you haven't altered it at all i hadn't
24:06
found a need it just all fits he's accurate no
24:11
matter what because he what he's not telling
24:13
you is it's like a world war ii bomber as he
24:16
goes over london he's just he's aiming straight
24:19
down and right into the hole So I think that's
24:24
very cool. I'm sure the people that are sleeping
24:27
in your hearse with you have no issue with that.
24:29
What else do you do? You said you had a lot of
24:31
space to explore. What else do you do? Yoga?
24:34
Maybe you give a rendition of a Shakespeare play.
24:37
What else you got going other than peeing and
24:40
pooping? I watch a lot of Oprah reruns. And isn't
24:44
it true as you're watching this Oprah rerun,
24:46
you're playing the guest. She's on the TV. The
24:50
guest is on the TV. But you're... talking to
24:52
the TV and talking to Oprah on the TV as if you're
24:55
on the show with her. Well, I've actually dressed
24:57
the guests up as Oprah. So if they were to wake
25:00
up, they would be Oprah. And you would act surprised.
25:04
You'd be like, Oprah, you're here. How'd you
25:06
get here? You have a chair for her and a chair
25:10
for yourself. We've got two chairs, some cameras
25:14
also lined up. And then you post them online
25:17
to get them canceled for doing blackface. Yeah,
25:21
that's true. Yep. And that is how I get them
25:25
out of my car. He goes, this person's a blackface.
25:29
He has a poop jug next to him. This person does
25:33
not belong in our society. So prior to trying
25:36
to kick him out, though, do you consider yourself
25:38
sort of a... Caron ferrying people, ferrying
25:42
lost souls across the river Styx as you're driving
25:45
them around in this hearse. Yeah, and mainly
25:48
because we just listen to a lot of Styx. Yeah,
25:51
the band. The band, you know, that's the only
25:54
music I have. So it's not you just tapping a
25:59
couple Styx together and calling it a band? You're
26:01
like, hey, check out my mixtape. This is a Styx
26:06
hitting another Styx. I've got a little bit of
26:08
that, too. And like, you know, Caron ferrying
26:11
people, you know, he's got he's got like a or
26:13
I'm going to assume, you know, I've also got
26:18
an or. So when I'm driving, I've got, you know,
26:21
one hand on the wheel, one hand on an or outside
26:24
of the window. And it's not Michael or from the
26:27
hit movie The Blind Side. You haven't picked
26:29
up a large black individual and hopes that he
26:32
becomes a professional athlete and pretend that
26:35
he's a little. I would never exploit. uh michael
26:40
or that way um that way i might exploit him different
26:45
ways what which other ways would you exploit
26:48
him i might say that he has a severe gambling
26:53
addiction so basically this person gets in your
26:57
car you have the spot for his coffin you're like
26:59
this is where you're sleeping check him for sex
27:01
scenes step two i hope you are a deep sleeper
27:04
and then y 'all go to bed they wake up Dresses
27:07
Oprah Winfrey. Yes. They may catch you pooping
27:11
or peeing in a jug. But that doesn't matter.
27:14
You're excited for them to be there. You introduce
27:16
them to your black adopted son who has a gambling
27:19
problem. Michael Orr. Who you keep outside the
27:23
window. He's running alongside the vehicle. But
27:29
you keep your hand on him. I said I needed an
27:31
Orr. I should have been more specific. And now
27:36
you're stuck with her. Added up to Black Sun.
27:39
Yep. Yeah. And then you ruin these people's lives
27:45
and careers by recording them because they're
27:48
in blackface pretending to be Oprah Winfrey.
27:50
Yeah, and that's just how I get rid of them.
27:52
I don't really want them in the hearse, honestly.
27:54
They came to me. I just needed to make sure they
27:57
didn't come back to me. And I think after the
28:01
scandal of them... cosplaying as Oprah Winfrey,
28:05
but a little bit going a little too far there.
28:08
I'll have Michael Orr speak out and say something
28:11
against it. And really, I mean, this is all on
28:14
them. Really. If you see a hearse on the side
28:16
of the road, if you're trying to get into sleeping,
28:18
sleep in it for the night. Yeah, I mean, what
28:19
is your problem? You could just expect to be
28:22
in blackface the next morning. Honestly, if you
28:26
end up in blackface the next morning after spending
28:28
the night at a hearse on the side of the road,
28:30
I mean, that's probably your Best case scenario.
28:34
I mean, you woke up, so props to you. Oh, wow.
28:39
So if anybody out there sees a hearse on the
28:42
side of the road, don't be afraid to knock. Alan's
28:45
probably in there getting a snooze or squeezing
28:47
one out into a jug. I mean, he's pooping. He's
28:52
not jerking off. He might be jerking. I don't
28:56
know. He's probably. Cut that, cut that, cut
29:00
that. Oh, he's probably pinching one off. But
29:05
yeah, you know, if you don't want to stay in
29:07
a hotel, Alan has vacancies. At least one vacancy.
29:10
At least one. That's very cool. All right, here's
29:14
how I take a road trip. You know, I don't know
29:16
if y 'all know this about me. I have a flair
29:18
for the drama. I watch a movie, read a book,
29:21
and I imagine myself in it. And that kind of
29:23
bleeds over into real life, as my life isn't
29:25
that exciting. I'm not a CIA agent fighting off
29:29
Russian sleeper cells. That's true. He's not.
29:32
Yeah. I would like to make my life more dramatic.
29:36
And I do this by... pretending that I am an infamous
29:41
pirate sailing the high seas as I go on road
29:45
trips. Because like pirates, I'm traveling to
29:48
unknown regions. Now, I'm not sailing necessarily.
29:50
My car is a normal vehicle. But I'm traveling
29:54
and maybe I didn't prepare well. I'm not a planner.
29:58
I didn't bring things with me for this trip.
30:02
I do have to plunder and steal from the vehicles
30:06
around me. So would you say you're... always
30:09
after that booty i am always after that booty
30:13
and that is that is exactly what i say when i
30:16
toss a hook tied to a rope yeah to somebody's
30:19
car and i start dragging them closer to me as
30:22
we're driving 70 miles per hour i hop into their
30:25
vehicle and i said where's the booty and when
30:28
you're driving down the road and it starts to
30:31
wind a little bit do you say oh this road's really
30:33
scurvy I say, yo -ho, this road's scurvy. Give
30:39
me that booty. Wow. And I take whatever they
30:43
have. I hop back onto my ship. That looks like
30:46
a pirate ship. It is a car. You know, I took
30:48
a picnic. Picnic blanket. A blanket. Took a picnic
30:52
blanket. Maybe I've fashioned that as a sail.
30:55
It's... My car is driving itself, so it's blowing
30:58
in the wind. It looks like a flag that's been
31:00
fallen. What do you use as the... The bow spread.
31:04
What's leading the charge when people are, like,
31:07
first thing people are seeing, because, you know,
31:09
impressions are important. It's a good pirate.
31:11
I'm all about the booty. So it's a couple just
31:13
fat cheeks. Just leading the way. People look
31:19
over and think it's a rap video. They're scared
31:22
because it's like those times whenever you're
31:25
driving down the road and it's an 18 -wheeler.
31:27
hauling another 18 wheeler and you're like why
31:30
is that 18 wheeler driving backwards that's what
31:32
your ship is like because you're like why am
31:34
i seeing butt first yeah yeah no it's not literal
31:37
booty i need supplies for my trip clothes uh
31:41
travel shampoo but you are also a sexual deviant
31:47
So you do need the booty. On paper, I am not.
31:50
And that's all that matters. And that's all that
31:51
my lawyer has said. But, of course, I really
31:54
get into character. Dressed as a pirate. Eyepatch.
31:57
Parrot. That I did misunderstand. I thought it
32:01
said ferret. So I do have a weasel ferret on
32:04
my shoulder rather than a parrot. And I can't
32:06
get rid of it because we've crossed lines. What
32:09
lines have you crossed? What do you mean by that?
32:13
I wouldn't focus too much on that. Just know
32:16
that we can't go anywhere. If we brought the
32:19
ferret out here today... We asked him to tell
32:22
us where he's been touched. Would that ferret
32:25
name a lot of places? Listen, it wouldn't go
32:31
well with the court proceedings. The court would
32:33
have to get involved. Let's gloss over this.
32:37
I don't know that we can. Just know that I have
32:41
a quirky little sidekick that most pirates do,
32:45
okay? I'm glad we dodged that part. And consensually
32:48
touched. That's all I'm saying. Let me get that
32:50
on record. And he said it. So let's go back to
32:57
your pirate outfit. Yes. You got this at a Spirit
32:59
Halloween. Yes. And you thought it was a male's,
33:02
but it was actually a woman's. It was a female's,
33:04
my bosoms. Showing a lot of cleavage, essentially,
33:08
right? Very short skirt. Very short. Very short
33:12
skirt. I hate that we're sitting here. Uncomfortably
33:15
short. And as I am on top of this car slash...
33:18
pirate ship that i've crafted it's blowing up
33:20
in the air i look like a very fat masculine maryland
33:23
monroe yeah i mean it's sexy you can be sexy
33:26
it's tight it turns heads it's tight you know
33:30
i'm kind of pushing it down as the wind's blowing
33:32
yeah i'm saying things like are and you know
33:34
and because you're exposing so much is it true
33:38
that the costume was actually called a crack
33:40
marrow because of the amount of butt crack exposed
33:47
Yes, it had its very specific name, almost like
33:50
it was made for this hyper -specific situation.
33:53
It was like, if you're planning on creating a
33:56
pirate ship out of the car as you travel 10 hours,
33:58
this is the perfect costume for you. Of course,
34:01
I have an eyepatch as well. I know y 'all were
34:03
concerned about that. You're like, every good
34:05
pirate has an eyepatch. But your vision is still...
34:08
2020 though you just use the eye patch for effect
34:11
yeah i use it i use it for effect but of course
34:14
i'm a pirate i don't want to be the most feared
34:17
and dramatic pirates i use two eye patches one
34:19
on each eye i go into this you know obviously
34:23
if you're going to be a pirate you have to overdo
34:25
the pirates of history yeah one eye patch come
34:29
on what are you why are we taking half measures
34:31
yeah i'm not a half measure type of guy i'm a
34:32
full measure type of guy two eye patches a flitlock
34:35
pistol just Firing off into the void as I travel
34:39
down I -55. In a constant stream of rum. So you're
34:43
drunk off your gizzard, just absolutely swerving
34:46
down the road. Yeah. Because you can't see and...
34:49
I'm not controlling the vehicle. I just have
34:51
a brick on the gas pedal. Yeah. And your world's
34:55
spinning anyway, even though you can't see anything,
34:57
because you're just... Do you feel like you're
35:00
accomplishing what you want to accomplish with
35:02
this? I am because I am getting the supplies
35:05
I need. I'm plundering booty. I'm showing people
35:09
my booty, which was a big thing I had to check
35:13
off. It was like I have three goals. Get booty.
35:16
Show booty. Lose this ferret booty because he's
35:19
going to cost me a lot of money. The three things
35:21
I needed to get done on this road trip. I'm getting
35:23
them done. Going back to, I guess, the pirate
35:24
costume. You got a peg leg? I do have a peg leg.
35:29
Of course, I have both legs. So basically, I've
35:31
just strapped two cylindrical pieces of wood
35:35
to my knees. And they're just kind of poking
35:37
out. But I will go down on my knees and just
35:40
kind of waddle back and forth on top of this
35:41
car. That is my pirate ship. So when you're on
35:44
your own two feet, they're just kind of sticking
35:45
out straight. They're kind of sticking out. Okay.
35:48
You run into a lot of stuff. I do run into a
35:51
lot of stuff. You don't want your shins around
35:53
me because if I turn too quickly, it's going
35:55
to knock a kneecap out. Would you say we would
35:57
be getting pegged if that happened? I would say
35:59
that. Last week I went up to Evan and I was like,
36:02
listen, I'm getting into this very specific hobby.
36:06
Can I peg you? Of course I said yes. Out of context,
36:11
Evan just said yes. He didn't even know what
36:14
the context was. But now he has a great set of
36:16
peg legs that he often uses. Yep, I go around
36:19
pegging other guys. So, yes, I have peg legs.
36:22
I peg people as I travel the highways. I get
36:26
their booty. I shoot cannons. You got cannons?
36:30
I do have cannons, but of that, I mean the camera
36:32
brand. I'm with you. I swing over to their car.
36:36
I board their quote -unquote ship. I look for
36:39
the booty in their car. I take pictures of them.
36:43
swing back and on the mast of my ship I just
36:46
have pictures of random people that I plundered.
36:49
And they're all looking distressed. They're all
36:51
looking distressed. Confused. Sometimes the car's
36:54
flipped. It's them in the flipped car because
36:56
obviously they're crass. They just have this
36:57
man dressed as a sexy pirate. Two eye patches.
37:01
a ferret jump into their car. A sexually distressed
37:05
ferret. You're describing yourself as sexy. Do
37:08
those people also describe you that way? Yeah,
37:10
I have a flintlock pistol, okay? So they've got
37:12
no other choice but to describe you as that.
37:15
They'll say whatever I want them to say. Because
37:18
of the implication. Yeah, I will shoot you in
37:21
the head. But anyway, you know, casual road trip
37:26
for me. Just really... Cutting through the mundanity
37:30
of life by being one of the coolest characters
37:33
out there. A pirate. Plundering what I need since
37:37
I didn't plan well. Just being sexy. That's an
37:41
important part of Road Trip. Get booty showing
37:43
booty. You know what I'm saying? Just get booty
37:45
showing booty. I'm going to die very soon. There's
37:49
no way. I've gotten really lucky. My car hasn't.
37:52
lost control and gone off the road. Zach got
37:55
booty, showed booty. Yeah, it's past tense now.
37:58
He got booty, showed booty. You know, people
38:01
are going to walk past him like, that guy lived.
38:02
Every man dies. Few men live, you know, but I'm
38:05
going to say I lived. But there you go. That's
38:07
what we do on road trips. Write us in or send
38:09
us a voicemail. Tell us how you handle road trips.
38:11
But anyway, speaking of voicemails, we have a
38:15
voicemail from a listener, from a Saturday worker.
38:18
So let's check that out. Hello, Questionable
38:42
Detour. We got a pair of local listeners here,
38:45
and our question for you is this. What sort of
38:48
ride would you build for a theme park? If there
38:52
was no financial constraints or size constraints
38:56
or anything, just what would you build? All right,
38:59
convenient for Christian. Right now, we're sitting
39:01
in the planning room of the next great theme
39:04
park. All right, we're planning rides right now.
39:06
We've got lots of architectural drawing tables.
39:12
Lots of blueprints. We're not sure what they
39:16
go to, but we've got them. I'm thinking about
39:18
high density plastic everywhere. I'm not really
39:22
sure if that has to do with the varieties. Are
39:24
you just thinking that? Just in general. Okay.
39:27
Evan's gone into his version of the avatar state
39:31
where all he's considering is high density plastic.
39:38
Non -recyclable. He wants it to pollute the earth
39:42
for as long as possible. As much as possible,
39:45
as long as possible. I want to bring this globe
39:49
to its knees from the amount of plastic I'm using
39:53
on this theme ride. Okay. Well, that leads us
39:55
into, let's go ahead and plan this ride because,
39:58
I mean, we've been trying to plan this for a
39:59
long time. It just so happens that Christian
40:02
here is asking the right question at the right
40:05
time. Obviously, Evan's first in with the high
40:09
density plastic. I'm OK with that. I think along
40:12
with the plastic, there should also be an element
40:15
of open flame just to just kind of melt that
40:20
plastic a little bit during the ride. You know,
40:22
one of the great things about a roller coaster
40:24
is that, you know, you kind of wonder, how am
40:27
I not dying when you're riding those things?
40:30
And I think an open flame really gets that mortality
40:35
across. Well, here's the thing. I love the open
40:37
flame idea, Alan. Can I pitch an idea of maybe
40:40
what that open flame could be? Absolutely. I
40:42
think every part of the ride, if you sit in one
40:45
of the carts on this ride, there's an old man
40:48
smoking big cigarette. That's just standard for
40:51
each seat that you sit in. There's an old man
40:53
with a big cigarette smoking. And that will give
40:55
you that open flame that will melt the plastic
40:58
as you ride the ride. Yeah. The cigarette is
41:01
the open flame? The cigarette is the open flame.
41:03
He's not the open flame, although he's pretty
41:05
hot. He's a good looking old man. Yeah. Does
41:08
he like casually toss the cigarette maybe in
41:11
each, like he'll light a cigarette, toss it into
41:13
one of the carts so it melts the plastic onto
41:17
the person's buttocks and they will be melded
41:20
into the ride? Well, yeah, there's not going
41:22
to be any safety features. That is the safety
41:24
feature, yeah. They need to be strapped. and
41:27
held onto the seat of the ride anyway. So I think
41:30
melting the plastic around them, encasing them
41:32
in a chrysalis of melted plastic is the best
41:35
way to go. So he's just chain -smoking cigarettes
41:37
back there and tossing them as he can. Ripping
41:40
darts. Okay, again, with the safety feature,
41:46
Zach, you brought up a good point. We need some
41:49
kind of seatbelt situation to keep the person
41:54
strapped to the cart. But, you know, we need
41:56
to cut costs. Absolutely. We can't. Keep the
42:00
margins wide. I know he said, yeah. He said unlimited
42:04
budget. Unlimited. But we got to take some of
42:06
that money for ourselves. Exactly. I mean. We're
42:08
trying to make a profit here. Come on. Come on
42:10
now. I'm thinking maybe if we just. You guys
42:14
remember Fruit by the Foot? Yeah. You know, I
42:17
mean, it's similar to plastic in that it tastes
42:21
and looks like it. So what if we just maybe.
42:26
braided uh some fruit by the foot and use that
42:29
as a uh a seat belt but we obviously since we're
42:32
trying to cut costs here old jimmy not getting
42:34
any safety features he goes over that first hill
42:36
he's off yeah he's flying off the ride uh next
42:40
next time it comes into station another old smoking
42:43
jimmy gets on there yeah well we got to make
42:45
sure he gets all those cigarettes out before
42:47
that turn though to make sure that the safety
42:49
features are enacted. So we should make this
42:51
ride really slow at the beginning. Yeah, really
42:55
build it up. So it just lets old Smoke and Jimmy.
42:57
It's also one of those things where, like, if
42:59
it's slow, then it builds up anticipation. Sure,
43:02
yeah. So we could do the very start, rock and
43:06
roller coaster. You're just going straight up.
43:09
So old Jimmy's in the back back there, just holding
43:12
on. Dangling from the cart, holding on, ripping
43:16
cigs, tossing them up. Some are making it in
43:19
the cart. Some are just falling back onto him.
43:21
He's screaming. He's in pain. He's on fire. You're
43:26
freaked out. Yeah. Because, I mean, you're going
43:29
on this ride. Your adrenaline's already pumping.
43:30
You have an old man just screaming. Yeah, you're
43:32
at a 90 degree right now. The worst guy you want
43:36
to ride with on a roller coaster is somebody
43:39
with nothing to lose. When you go on with the
43:43
smoking Jimmy, you know right off the bat he's
43:47
got nothing to lose. Yeah, he doesn't, except
43:50
his nicotine high. He has that to lose, but he'll
43:53
never lose that. So he gets all those cigs out.
43:56
As he crests the top, it starts shooting down,
44:00
hits that first carve. He goes flying. We've
44:03
lost Jimmy. We're at that point. We've lost Jimmy.
44:05
Where do we go from here? I think the part of
44:08
the roller coaster, I guess we're saying it's
44:10
a roller coaster. Now, that's very cool. We just
44:11
kind of naturally went with that. Yeah. I think
44:13
part of the roller coaster needs to have an aspect
44:16
where you get to experience being an adulterer
44:18
in the 1600s. Oh. So maybe Smoke and Jimmy flies
44:22
off the ride on that first loop. Then you go
44:25
under a bridge. There's a bunch of angry peasants
44:27
up on the bridge just trying to stone you, just
44:30
throwing stones down on you as you fly 95 miles
44:33
per hour. If you get hit by one of these stones,
44:36
you're going to see God. Taken out, yeah. And
44:39
there's like an old nun just kind of walking
44:42
alongside the roller coaster cart, ringing a
44:45
bell. Shame, shame, shame. That hurts worse than
44:48
the rocks, honestly. It's more of an emotional
44:50
pain than a physical. And so while we lose Jimmy
44:53
on Smoking Jimmy on turn one, what we gain in
44:58
this segment of the ride is accused adulterer.
45:04
Prior to the peasants throwing the stones, we
45:07
just get a woman in a red coat. And she joins
45:10
your cart. Oh. She drops from the top. Yeah.
45:14
Wow. The timing that's going to have to be there.
45:16
Because you miss splattering all over the ground.
45:20
Or hitting the front of your car like a mosquito.
45:22
And look, I mean, let's be real. You know, we're
45:26
not perfect. No, nobody is. She's not perfect
45:28
either. That's why she's the town whore. Yeah.
45:31
She's the whore. They call her Scarlet the Harlot.
45:36
Spoken to me. Scarlet the Harlot. I like that
45:38
so far. It's really good. So what happens if
45:39
we get Scarlet the Harlot landing in that seat
45:42
perfectly? We time it perfectly. Stones are tossed.
45:45
Shames are thrown. And I think... So next is
45:49
air. What we do is we cut the track. And we get
45:57
a little hang time on that cart. So we get a
46:00
little slope going. And we cut out a good...
46:02
Three foot section. Yeah. So that people can
46:05
feel the cart separate and feel the cart start
46:08
to fall. You know. Do we catch it? It's on y
46:11
'all. I will let y 'all tell me what happens
46:14
after that. You know, if you could bottle the
46:17
feeling of free falling through midair, I think
46:20
I think that's a better drug than cocaine. This
46:24
does give me an idea, though, is I want maximum
46:27
g -forces pulled on turns. Right? I want this
46:31
thing to be going 100 miles per hour. 89 degree
46:34
turn. Cart has gone off the rails. It's still
46:37
suspended in the air. Do we catch the cart on
46:40
the rails and then immediately turn? Oh. If so
46:43
happens, gravity and the Lord brings that cart
46:46
back to connect with the railing. Immediately.
46:49
Very sharp turn. It's flying. people's brains
46:52
are now being sucked into their butts right which
46:56
is a great high yeah i mean you think adrenaline
46:59
is a high wait till you're you're you're leaking
47:02
out brains yeah you think adrenaline's a high
47:05
try on consciousness try having your intestines
47:11
just prairie dogging out of your butthole every
47:15
organ in your body is pinned to your rib cage
47:19
and for that Two seconds. You're on top of the
47:24
world. There's no fighter pilot experience, geez,
47:27
that we're going to put on this thing. Yeah.
47:30
Right? I think a part of the roller coaster should
47:32
have maybe a monkey bar situation. Maybe, you
47:36
know, put up your hands, grab a bar, do some
47:38
pull -ups. Promoting exercise. Promoting exercise.
47:41
I mean, we've got to have a health element. That's
47:42
true. We don't want these people to be sedentary
47:45
on this ride. The equipment that we're going
47:47
to be using for the health element is not going
47:50
to be fun. It's just going to be a series of
47:52
bars. It's going to be like an ISIS training
47:55
video. It's just... Just like Michelle Obama.
47:59
And just like an ISIS training video, we will
48:04
have the... I don't even know how to make that
48:08
noise. We will have the midday prayer song going
48:10
on in the background. We will have AK -47s shooting
48:14
over their heads. They've experienced the 1600s
48:19
adulterer. Now they get to experience being a
48:21
part of ISIS. So we'll strap bombs to everyone.
48:24
They get to this monkey bar situation. They train
48:28
for ISIS. They get back in the cart. It's strapped
48:31
with explosive. They're going to run right through
48:34
an American checkpoint. What I'm worrying here
48:36
is that these people are getting on the ride
48:41
and then halfway through, we're converting them
48:45
into a terrorist cell? Yes. It sounds like we're
48:48
going that way. What's your question? I just
48:50
worry that maybe some of the... Patrons may not
48:54
share the same views as ISIS. Listen, after you
48:57
pull 9Gs, you're not thinking straight. Sure.
49:01
Sure. You might be concussed from pulling 9Gs.
49:05
So you may think that this is a good idea. At
49:10
this point, you're down for anything. You've
49:12
just seen a man die. You've been stoned by a
49:16
bunch of people shaming you. You're like, you
49:19
know what? I've been radicalized. Maybe we should
49:22
do a different part. Anyway, that's where we're
49:38
going to end it. That's our ride, Christian.
49:41
I hope you like it. Be ready. It's going to come
49:44
out 2027. God help us. Disney, Universal. Watch
49:49
out. If you want to hire us, we know how to plan
49:53
a ride. Harry Potter, the mummy ride. Come on.
49:59
Actually, it doesn't sound like we're that far
50:01
off from the mummy. There's some similar elements.
50:09
Oh, God, Lord. All right. For the next segment,
50:13
we're going to give some much needed advice to
50:16
some very needy people. I need help. All right.
50:25
All right, for this listener, this listener is
50:28
named Marcus, and he says, How do I get more
50:30
confident on the phone? I have a real problem
50:33
procrastinating when I need to pick up the phone
50:35
and call someone. Not friends, but like businesses
50:38
I want to hire or customer service lines or agencies
50:42
I have to call about building problems, etc.
50:45
It always seems so awkward that I'm never communicating
50:48
right. How can I overcome this? So Marcus here
50:52
wants to be more confident on the phone. What
50:55
advice do y 'all have for him? Mark, I'm sensing
50:57
a little anxiety from you about speaking into
51:00
a microphone. And let me tell you, I don't have
51:02
that. I get on a microphone every week with these
51:04
two fine gentlemen, and I'm the most confident
51:08
man in the world. So I don't feel what you're
51:11
feeling. Cannot relate. Cannot relate. But I
51:15
do have advice for you anyway, because I'm that
51:17
amazing. These people don't know you. You can
51:22
be anybody. So, be anybody. Have a Jamaican accent
51:26
when you call. Ooh, fancy. I like that. Have
51:29
a British accent. Have an Australian accent.
51:32
You can be anyone. You could be a gangster. Yay,
51:36
man. Oh, wow. I'm calling you up. Is there a
51:39
gangster on the phone right now? That's all I'm
51:41
hearing. Let me chit -chat about these billing
51:43
problems I'll be having. Is it a West Coast gangster?
51:48
Is this a crip? Wow. On the phone? Exactly. Thank
51:51
you. Thank you for proving my point. Sounds like
51:53
L .A. in the 90s. Would you answer my call? Would
51:58
you give me what I'm asking for? Hey, big man,
52:01
I got billing problems. Can I ring you up? Let
52:06
me holla at you. Yeah, I would do it, but it's
52:10
just because I'm kind of afraid of you at that
52:14
point. Could he be an Italian person? Could I
52:17
be an Italian person? Yeah. Let's see what an
52:21
Italian accent seems like over the phone. Maybe
52:23
Marcus can use that next time he calls somebody.
52:26
Hey, hello. I got a business problem. Can you
52:29
help me out with my bill? With my bill? Whoa.
52:35
That was an Italian person on there. That guy
52:37
was probably named Mario or something. I feel
52:40
like we're in Florence right now. I've made a
52:43
lot of spaghetti in my life. Yeah, I get it.
52:45
That's honestly a fantastic answer. Just pretend
52:48
you're somebody else. Yeah. Don't be you, Marcus.
52:51
You're a loser. Yeah. Yep. Pretend to be somebody
52:53
else and you get around this whole issue. Marcus,
52:56
I have a different approach to it. And it's kind
52:58
of like Evans in the fact that you're going to
53:00
avoid the problem altogether. I say, if you hate
53:03
being on the phone, you find it awkward, never
53:04
be on the phone. Somebody calls you. You pick
53:07
up, ask them where they are. They tell you. You
53:10
then have to travel to them. Sprint to wherever
53:13
they are. So you talk to them in person. You
53:15
get a collect call. It's a spam call. You say,
53:18
sir, where are you? Oh, you're in the country
53:21
Bangladesh? Well, give me about 37 hours. I will
53:25
be there. And you're giving their credit card
53:27
and gift cards and stuff. That's how the phone
53:30
call would go anyway. But you have to talk to
53:32
them in person in front of them. You walk up
53:36
to them and they'll say, now go to your nearest
53:38
Walgreens and go to the Bitcoin machine. So you've
53:41
got to fly all the way back. To your nearest
53:43
Walgreens, to your house, go to the Bitcoin machine,
53:46
and then fly back and be like, what's my next
53:48
step, you know? Yeah. Maybe you don't even tell
53:52
them that you're going to come and talk to them
53:53
in person. Maybe you just pick up the phone,
53:55
hear their voice, track them down from there.
53:58
It's not unlike Liam Neeson in the Taken franchises.
54:03
He starts off with a phone conversation, but
54:05
then he goes to meet them, you know? He's putting
54:08
in the work. He doesn't love phone conversations.
54:13
But, you know, point is, he goes and finds these
54:16
guys. Yeah. He's not going to sit there and talk
54:18
on the phone. What does that get you? But it
54:20
builds relationships to be able to go see these
54:23
people face to face and hash out whatever it
54:26
is you need to hash out, whether that's tracking
54:28
down your daughter or paying a bill. I feel like.
54:32
whether it's a bill or finding your daughter,
54:33
you should approach that situation with violence.
54:37
Yes, of course. Just assume that an ambiguous
54:40
Eastern European nationality is behind it. Yeah,
54:44
and you say, you must be my telephone company
54:46
billing me. Boom, snap their arm right there.
54:49
Elbows bending the opposite way it should. And
54:51
then there you go. You don't have to talk on
54:53
the phone and maybe you don't have to pay a bill.
54:55
Maybe. All right, Alan, how do you avoid talking
54:59
on the phone or how does Marcus here overcome
55:02
talking on the phone? I would say we've got a
55:05
two pronged approach here. You don't want to
55:07
talk on the phone, but you probably want people
55:09
to find you to be a successful person. Hire a
55:12
secretary. You're not a successful guy, but you
55:15
could sure pretend to be one. Hire an 84 year
55:18
old woman named Gladys. Hire her from eight to
55:23
five. Every day. If you've got a call that you
55:26
need to make, don't do it yourself. That's foolish.
55:29
You've got a secretary. Pay her one bag of potatoes
55:33
a day. Gladys eats a lot of potatoes. Raw? Raw
55:37
potatoes. She eats them like an apple. Gladys
55:40
eats them like an apple. She prefers the eye
55:43
of the potato. She does. Gladys a freak. Let
55:50
me ask you this, Alan. Are you trying to get
55:51
rid of Gladys? Did you hire Gladys to be your
55:54
secretary and now you just can't get rid of her?
55:56
So you're hoping Marcus kind of hires her off
55:58
of you? Does Gladys work for me right now? Yes.
56:02
Now, would I let her go if she found a better
56:06
opportunity? Absolutely. I'm all about upward
56:09
mobility for my employees. If she finds a better
56:13
opportunity, she's more than welcome to go. You'll
56:16
give a great reference. I'll... I'll give a stunning
56:19
reference. I'll include her love for potatoes.
56:23
Go ahead and hire Gladys. You know, I'm going
56:26
to I'm going to actually let her out of my contract.
56:28
She's no longer bound employment to me. Oh, God,
56:31
he just fired her right here. She's in the room
56:34
with us, by the way. She's taking notes. Not
56:36
now. And phone calls. I don't get a lot of phone
56:40
calls. But I don't want to talk to him. And that's
56:42
what Marcus wants to avoid here. He wants to
56:45
avoid having awkward conversations on the phone.
56:47
Don't talk to people at all. Hire a secretary
56:49
named Gladys. She's 84 years old. She'll do it
56:52
for you. Well, there you go, Marcus. Three very
56:56
easy things to do. You don't want to talk on
56:58
the phone. Stop being you. You're a loser. Pretend
57:01
to be somebody else. Or maybe just don't talk
57:04
on the phone at all. Find these people, Liam
57:06
Neeson style. Meet them with violence. You don't
57:09
have to talk on the phone and violence solves
57:11
everything anyway. Or hire Alan's secretary,
57:15
Gladys. She's 84. She loves potatoes. She'll
57:18
answer the phone for you. Three great... approaches
57:23
to this i have to remind you legally you have
57:25
to do one of these we recommend do all of them
57:28
but legally you have to do one of them if you
57:29
don't do one of them we will sue you we have
57:33
great lawyers we'll get gladys will give them
57:35
a call very quickly if you don't do one of them
57:38
but marcus i hope that helps uh write us back
57:40
and tell us how it went for you or leave us a
57:43
voicemail i mean nothing says that you overcame
57:45
your call issue by leaving us a voicemail Well,
57:48
I should be glad it's on the phone. Glad it's
57:52
on the recording. He hired her, I guess. All
57:55
right. There you go, Marcus. If you have a hypothetical
57:58
you want us to do, if you are in need of advice,
58:01
write us in question. We'll detour at gmail .com
58:03
or leave us a voicemail. It's in the link in
58:06
the description of this episode. Just click it,
58:08
hit record. It sends it right to us. Super easy.
58:11
All right, boys. As we end this episode, let's
58:14
give everybody one last piece of wisdom. What
58:17
one -liner wisdoms do y 'all have? Never miss
58:19
your chance. Just piss your pants. I don't know.
58:23
How does that solve? You don't want to get caught.
58:30
You just said that, actually. You don't want
58:32
to miss something by being in the bathroom. Okay.
58:35
Actually, that makes a lot of sense. It's a good
58:38
point. They say a broken clock is right twice
58:42
a day, but it's useless the rest of the day,
58:44
so use it as a projectile. Oh, very good. There's
58:52
some wisdom for y 'all as we end this. All right,
58:55
guys, you want to be done? Yeah. This situation
58:59
is irrelevant now. This situation is irrelevant
59:09
now.