Latest / What The Heck with Matt Bellassai / Glutemaxxing, Scary Sexy Mimes, and Brunch Lasagna?!

Transcript

Glutemaxxing, Scary Sexy Mimes, and Brunch Lasagna?! · What The Heck with Matt Bellassai

0:00
The amount I have to check myself so many times where I'm
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like son of a bitch, this annoying ass ambulance.
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Meanwhile, they're like desperately trying to get to a
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saving a life and I'm just like, this is this is ruining my
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experience of House of the Dragon right now.
0:19
Welcome back to What the Heck with Matt Bellassai, a podcast
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about what the heck is going on, what the heck is happening, and
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all the things that make me say what the heck, What a week
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that's starting off coming off of a good weekend.
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I got my steps in early today. I think I said this in a
0:37
previous episode, but I have challenged myself to walk a
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whopping 5000 steps a day, and I've done it every day this
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year. And yeah, for most people, is
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that sort of like just what you do walking?
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It's like, is that what kind of a toddler gets?
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Yeah, for sure. Is that like kind of the bare
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minimum that is necessary to go about living a daily life?
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Sure. Should I be setting my goal a
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little bit higher? Absolutely.
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But I'm proud of myself. I've been hitting those steps
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every single day. Listen, as someone who has has
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worked for myself and worked from home since pre COVID era,
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those steps are not coming naturally.
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I've been getting glued to that couch, but good.
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OK. And so I I'm not kidding.
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I sometimes will text the group chat and be like, look how many
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steps I have today. I'll be like 4:00 PM.
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I've got, I've taken 250 steps and that's not great.
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So I got, I did get one of these, these apps, this app,
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I'll give them, I'll give them free PR.
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It's called streaks. It's an app where it's like you
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can set up any habit or anything that you want to track.
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And then every day you press the little guy and it goes in it.
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You feel it in your hand. I love AI, love a good haptic
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response. Give me a little jiggle, give me
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a little vibration in your app so I can I can feel my
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accomplishment. Right now.
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I have 4 habits that are that are linked and I have them on my
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home screen. And yeah, are they all
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horrifically embarrassing to admit aloud?
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I think one of them is like, truly brilliant.
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These are my 4 ones and I when you when you complete it you
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could just kind of go like that but I have to uncheck it 'cause
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I didn't do that. That was brushing your teeth.
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OK, Yes, the the four tasks that I have I've set for myself daily
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and this is something that I did at the beginning of the year.
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These are my New Year's resolutions essentially that I'm
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keeping track of through through Q3 is one walk 5000 steps a day.
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2, just wash my face. So if like if I go a day
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without, 'cause you know, sometimes you're not showering
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every day. I think as long as you're not
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being like, if you're doing gross stuff all day, then yeah,
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you better fucking shower at least once a day.
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But if you're like, if it's a 250 step day that you're you're
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taking, I don't know, that's better or worse just sitting in
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your own film or if it's better to have actually done more stuff
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and sweated it out. Point is, sometimes you don't
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shower. But I want to make sure I'm at
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least like scrubbing my face before bed every night.
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One of them unfortunately brushing my teeth, that is a
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task that I am I'm keeping truck of because I was getting into a
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habit and we know this because I have apparently 70 cavities.
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Apparently I have a cavity in every tooth.
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I was kind of getting into the habit of like I'd go to bed and
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I'll brush my teeth and or be like I'll brush them in the
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morning instead of brushing them before bed.
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So brush my teeth, wash my face, walk 5000 steps and the last one
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it, which is a great one. It's.
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I'm I'm truly impressed by it. Is I have to make sure that my
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sink is empty every night. There's nothing worse than
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waking up in the morning and like seeing a sink full of
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dishes. You wake up in the morning, you
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see a sink full of dishes. It's like you, you might as well
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just burn the whole house down, throw the whole house away.
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It's related to, and I don't know if this is rooted in
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racism. Probably there was AI, don't
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know if it's Rudy Giuliani or maybe it was Ronald Reagan.
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There's no good way of getting into this and I've chosen the
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worst possible way every time. But it's like the broken window
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theory or something about neighborhoods where it's like
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if, if one house has like a broken window, there's more
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likely to be like higher crime and stuff like that because it's
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like there's just the one. All it takes is the one thing
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that people see. And then it's like your
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behaviors, everybody suddenly just goes out the window.
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But it does kind of sound like it's racist.
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It's like if it seems like a way to police communities that that
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that just leads to chaos. But the not racist version is
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The Dirty, The Dirty dish in the sink theory, which Matt Ellis I
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created, which is that if I wake up and there's one dish in the
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sink, I'm not doing anything that day because my life has
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descended into absolute chaos and and destruction.
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So going to bed every night with a clean sink.
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And there have been nights where I get into my bed, I look at the
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street thing and I'm like, oh, right, I didn't empty the sink.
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And I get out of bed and go. It's mostly just putting like a
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mug in into the dishwasher. But yeah, I'm better than
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everybody. So.
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And sometimes like the, the app will be like, oh, you're walking
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5000 steps every day. Sometimes will pop up and be
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like, you're doing such a great job, would you like to raise
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this thing up to 5500 steps? And I'm like, no, do not try to
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make me bad. I have to choose it myself.
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OK, I don't like that's why, yeah.
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Do I have the setting on my phone every day of like the time
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limit that I I'm supposed to set on apps?
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Of course. Am I clicking ignore every
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single day, every day of my life?
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Yes. But it's such a great whenever I
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get my steps in early, it's like great.
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I've accomplished everything that I need to do today.
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That is part of the problem. And they're always changing the
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literature on this 'cause it used to be you walk 10,000 steps
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a day and you're the healthiest person alive.
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Then it turns out some guy in Japan just made that number up
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to sell shoes. Not even joking.
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It was like literally a part of a marketing strategy that
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somehow went global and convinced people that walking
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10,000 steps a day is like the benchmark to a healthy life.
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Now they're saying you have to do squats every 45 minutes.
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They're saying, oh, instead of 10,000 steps a day, it's
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actually healthier if every 45 minutes you do 10 body squats.
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Hey, absolutely not. What do you mean every 45
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minutes? That's too frequently for how
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many? Like how many hours a day you
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want me doing squats? Yeah, I'll barely be.
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I'll barely be able to get my pants on with how fat my ass
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will be. Should I do that challenge?
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I will only be taking 250 steps a day, but I will have the
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fattest ass alive because I will be doing 10 body squats every 45
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minutes. I can't wait until we hit the 45
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minute mark on this episode. Oh.
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My God, that's the thing. That's like that's not conducive
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to a life the way that Americans have scheduled it.
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Yeah, there is. There's this guy on TikTok who's
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who's glute maxing and he's posting.
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I don't know if it's, I feel like he's pranking us.
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You can't trust anything. But he posted like day one and
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then day 20 and his ass is fatter.
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So I don't know. But he's doing like Bulgarian
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split squats everyday and I, I won't won't be doing that.
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Can barely do that to begin with.
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Bulgarian split squats are hard and it but it's supposed to give
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you big fat juicy ass. So how are you supposed to argue
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with that, with that sort of result?
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Anyway, moving on to what is happening this week, this week
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is also a good week because it happens to be a week that
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scientists are saying coffee is actually good for you.
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Love that. It's sort of a, you know, now he
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loves me. Now he won't sort of situation
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when it comes to scientists and coffee.
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Every week scientists are like, actually coffee is killing you.
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And if you have one more slip of it, you might as well be putting
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a gun in your mouth. And then at the next week,
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they're saying, actually, it's a miracle youth drug.
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And it's it's going to make you live forever.
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And this week is a coffee will make you live forever week,
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which we love. There was this new study about
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how up to five cups of coffee a day may lower your risk of heart
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disease. Here's the thing.
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Why the fuck are we still studying coffee?
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We have every, every argument has been made about coffee.
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There's no reason we need to still be studying coffee.
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There's If all of the scientists who are focused on studying
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whether coffee is good for you or not tried to cure cancer,
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we'd be. We'd have that shit wrapped up
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within two weeks. But somehow every week
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scientists are conducting some new goddamn study about whether
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caffeine is killing you or not. Who cares?
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I don't care anymore, OK? We're still drinking it.
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It's it's too it's we're too far into coffee culture to never not
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be doing that. It's pissing me the fuck off
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Obviously I I'm saying all this because I drink more coffee than
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any human alive. I I today have had a large a
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large iced cold brew and also an entire pot of drip coffee.
10:03
It's. 2:30 in the afternoon. And then I'm like, why is my
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sleep so fucked up? Because I'm actively like,
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plowing my brain with stimulants.
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That's why I'm like, I kind of think if I did cocaine, it would
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not work on me because I'm doing, I'm doing a level of
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caffeine that even cocaine addicts are kind of not even
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coming close to. Oh, yeah.
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They warn that your daily brewing method drastically
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impacts the health benefits. So the heart healthy links apply
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strictly to coffee filtered or instant coffee.
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Yeah, unfiltered options including a French press,
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espresso or Turkish coffee retain this compound that is can
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raise your cholesterol, your your bad cholesterol.
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So, but I'm like, that's not true, not to kind of question
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all the scientists. Like Europeans are just
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constantly drinking like that's all they have is espresso.
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They're not doing drip coffee or, or instant.
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If you give an A, a European person an instant coffee, they
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would stab you with a knife or whatever a European knife is
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like a Sabre or something. If you ever, if you ever tried
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to order coffee in in Europe as an American, oh boy, they're
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going to absolutely devastate you.
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And yeah, I'm looking directly at Barry.
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Producer Barry tried to order coffee in Italy.
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They straight up laughed on her face because she asked for oat
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milk in Italy of all places. And they first of all, what was
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crazy was that they had it. They had the, they had the
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goods. And so it's like, clearly people
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ask for this, but they literally pointed to like another customer
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who was just an Italian citizen. And they were, they're kind of
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like this bitch. And they like fully just laughed
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in her face for ordering oat milk.
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And did I join in? Yeah, 'cause why are you doing
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that, especially in Italy. But yeah, I mean, if you try to
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order, I remember the first time I went to Europe and I ordered a
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a coffee and they were like, what are you talking about?
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And it's like, you know, fucking what I'm talking about.
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Actually, that's the problem is it's like, you know, if I'm
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ordering a coffee, you know what I mean?
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OK. And you know why I know he knew?
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Because it was in the airport. It was in the airport.
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And I was like, you have dealt with people like me before and
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I'm being so nice to you. You know, if I just say I want a
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black coffee, you make me a goddamn Americano.
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And you know goddamn well that that's what I mean.
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And that's why it's called that, I bet.
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Next, I just read that article in The Atlantic about how nobody
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is reading anymore, and that sort of pissed me off.
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I don't know if everybody saw that there was this big article
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that a lot of people online were sharing, at least in my corner
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of the Internet, that was about how the age of reading is over.
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And basically it was like the average person is confronted
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with more words now than ever before because we have texts and
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emails and captions and like you're, you're seeing more words
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on a daily basis than someone 100 years ago was seeing.
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But we also like are not really reading long form stuff as much
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anymore. And like, they're all these
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studies about how, like, kids, kids these days can barely read
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like a a full book and how it, it's kind of going to lead to
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the destruction of all of us. Woo Hoo.
14:02
But maybe not. I mean, it wasn't really like
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that. It was more just like, here's a
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thing that is happening, which is, yeah, a lot of schools now
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are just like, they're not assigning full books anymore.
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And like, a lot of people who are entering college have to
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like, basically learn how to read longer stuff in college
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because they weren't really learning it before.
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I mean, there was also that thing about how like everybody
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on Love Island was low key a fucking idiot, which is not
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surprising. But also they were using words
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in ways that no human being has ever used words before, like
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epitome and compromise instead of epitome and compromise.
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I don't, I don't necessarily think that the people on Love
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Island should be kind of the barometer for who's intelligent
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in our society. We're not picking the people on
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Love Island for their intelligence pretty famously.
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That's not the criteria. And I would not, I don't think
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that they are also a good sort of cross section of the rest of
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society. They're not a good sample of the
15:10
rest of the world. I do think people have been
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talking for a long time about how, like, media literacy is
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dead. Nobody knows how to, like,
15:19
understand what they're watching even.
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And I feel like now people are finally connecting that to like,
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this is what English class was for.
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This is like you, we people are like, oh, you have to teach
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media literacy in school. And it's like, that's what
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English was. Nothing about it was necessarily
15:39
new. It's just like, yeah, nobody has
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an attention span anymore. And it's like, OK, we knew that
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actually, we don't need the nerds telling us that our
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attention spans are shot. I know that already.
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God, I'm ruining it every day. I, I need someone to physically
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take my phone away to get me to stop watching police Cam body
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footage on TikTok in a way that is woke.
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I, I will say in a, in a I'm, I'm shaking my head the whole
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time. I'm going, no, that's not this
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is not good. I like watching like Karen's
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kind of get their comeuppance. If it's like, oh, a privileged
16:20
person who thinks that they're going to be able to.
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But then the other thing is like, I don't like the police
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state. Unfortunately, a cab includes
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the people who are kind of putting the Karens on the
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ground. It's tough.
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It's tough. And also I'm watching them in
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like 10 parts. It's like 10 parts taken from a
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TikTok account that is clearly like scrubbing videos from the
16:49
Philippines. There's just like data centers
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that they're just kind of like content farms.
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The 1 theme that I'm sort of like darkly fascinated by is
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this group of people called sovereign citizens.
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Do you know about this? There's this contingent of
17:06
people called sovereign citizens who are like, their philosophy
17:11
is I never agreed to be part of society.
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I was born into the United States, but I like never agreed
17:18
to be here. Therefore I really shouldn't
17:20
have to follow the rules. I am my own person and therefore
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I am my own sort of sovereign state.
17:26
So a lot of it is people getting pulled over because it's,
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they're like license, their tags are expired and they didn't
17:33
renew it because they don't believe in having to do that.
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And then, and then the police are like, the police will be
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like, Hey, you have to give me your license and insurance and
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they'll be like, I'm travelling, AKA I'm like visiting.
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I guess they use all of these type of like things that they
17:53
think are going to kind of magically get them out of the
17:56
legal system. And it, it I don't, I'm like
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darkly fascinated by these people who, who think that
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they're going to like kind of gotcha your their way out of any
18:08
type of consequences for stuff. It's so ridiculous, but I love
18:13
it and I watch all of it. It's just, yeah, I don't know.
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It's my other favorite, more lighthearted genres of Tik Toks.
18:23
People add unnecessary saxophone solos into songs.
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I love when that happens. I love the sort of like off
18:34
brand Mario Kart in real life race tracks that are in
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countries that clearly do not have any type of like legal
18:46
system. By that I mean like there's
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these videos of people who are in like real life go karts.
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I don't think they have engines on them.
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It's mostly like downhill, but it's like this winding track and
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it's people who are going 90 miles an hour down like the side
19:02
of a a a mountain doing all of these twisty things.
19:05
It's kind of like it's like an amusement park sort of
19:08
situation, but it's clearly in a country that like does not have
19:13
a system where you can just sue. Like the way that all the
19:16
comments are people being like, I would sue, I would sue, I
19:19
would sue. And that is like the
19:21
quintessentially American response to anything is sue
19:26
them, sue them. I mean, if you go under under
19:29
the comments of anything that is like could be litigious, there's
19:34
an American in the comments being like, sue them.
19:36
I would sue them, take them to court.
19:39
But in a country where that like doesn't exist, you can just have
19:43
people going 90 miles an hour on your makeshift go go Kart
19:46
course. And I kind of love that.
19:50
I'm sure it's claimed many lives, but in the meantime, I
19:54
love watching that. And yeah, that I've been getting
19:58
a lot of Odyssey content, a lot of people, a lot of people
20:02
sympathizing with the the Cyclops.
20:07
Which is true. He was minding his own damn
20:08
business. All that Cyclops was doing was
20:11
tending to his sheep. And then fucking Odysseus comes
20:14
in, stabs him right in the eyeball.
20:17
A lot of people are upset. A lot of classicists are upset
20:20
because it kind of took away one of the most famous exchanges in
20:25
the Odyssey, Odysseus, because his whole thing is that he's
20:29
clever. Remember when I said I want to
20:30
talk about the Odyssey? And now I'm doing it.
20:33
Odysseus is like very clever, very witty.
20:36
That's his whole thing. And he pokes part of his plot to
20:41
get out of The Cave is that he blinds the Cyclops.
20:44
They stab him in the eye. And then when the Cyclops,
20:47
Cyclops fully speaks, by the way, fully speaks English or
20:51
whatever language Odysseus was speaking, they understood one
20:55
another. Not like in the movie or was
20:57
like the the Cyclops is like what is your name?
21:02
And Odysseus tells him his name is nobody or no man, which it's
21:08
more of like a pun in in Greek because I guess the word for
21:13
nobody sounds like Odysseus. But he tells him his name is
21:17
nobody. And then then they stab his eye
21:19
out and he starts screaming and crying for help.
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All of his Cyclops friends come to The Cave door and they're
21:25
like, what's wrong? And the Cyclops is like nobody
21:28
stabbed me and I just he's like, huh, gotcha pun.
21:34
I I guess Christopher Nolan said he tried to make that exchange
21:38
work and he just couldn't find a way to make it work.
21:41
And part of it is because it doesn't really it like makes it
21:46
works better in Greek, I guess. Not that I don't fucking
21:50
understand it. I don't know how I started.
21:52
Oh, because that's a lot of the the content that I'm seeing on
21:56
TikTok. Next, there's this guy.
22:00
Let me just read this headline. Massachusetts mime accused of
22:04
terrorizing women after allegedly stripping down coding
22:08
himself in cooking oil. I don't even know where to start
22:11
with this one. The first line of the story Not
22:15
all Mime stay silent. One is it now accused of
22:19
terrorizing women? Yeah, kind of makes it sound
22:25
like the mime was the victim. Who's not staying?
22:30
Silent. Yeah, Mime.
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Mime speaks out this man. Unfortunately, he does.
22:37
His body is T as they would say unfortunately.
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Yeah, the cooking oil is looking pretty good on him.
22:47
But also terrifying gentleman because he still has like like
22:53
white face mime makeup on. But the rest of him?
22:56
I'm so scary I scroll. I forgot that picture existed
23:03
and I almost can't even look at it.
23:06
What are the scariest photos I've literally ever seen in my
23:09
life? No, this is the mime.
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That's the mime. It looks like when people do
23:17
that filter where it's like it puts their eyes and mouth on
23:20
like a hard boiled egg. Anyway, super scary.
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Apparently everybody knows him as like the creepy mime.
23:29
Like several women have reported him as the creepy mime that like
23:32
strips down and covers himself. And I don't know, I would like
23:35
to know what oil he's using because it does look pretty,
23:39
pretty kind of compelling use of oil anyway.
23:49
All right, next we got a call to the What the Heck hotline, which
23:53
is of course, the number that any of you can call to leave at
23:56
your what the heck of the week. The thing that's making you say
23:59
what the heck? Four O 7.
24:00
WTH Matt? Let's hear this week's caller.
24:05
What the heck? Why are all the bugs in my home?
24:09
It's like, OK, this happens every summer.
24:12
It's like they all look in my windows and they're like, hey,
24:15
that looks nice in there. Don't mind if I do.
24:18
And I don't understand because the bugs have olive outside.
24:21
Why do they need to be in here with me?
24:23
I'm killing like a bug a day in my apartment and that's too
24:28
many. I shouldn't be having to kill a
24:30
bug a day in here. I don't understand why they
24:33
don't go outside. And you know what?
24:35
While I'm at it. I think it's one bug also.
24:37
Screw anyone who says that you shouldn't kill bugs in your home
24:41
because they're scared of you or whatever.
24:44
Like I'm sorry you will never catch me taking the time to like
24:49
trap a bug in a cup and lovingly carry it outside and release it
24:54
into the wild. No sorry, it's it's murder on
24:57
site. Like there there is no jury of
25:01
its peers. There is no due process like
25:04
it's it's just dead. I'm sorry.
25:06
I'm sorry to PETA, I'm sorry to whoever, but like.
25:09
No agree. I can't take it.
25:10
I don't understand why they don't just stay outside.
25:12
Stay outside in the summer. So yeah, what the heck.
25:18
Thanks for letting me rant. Bye.
25:22
I yeah, I really do agree. I do love that.
25:26
I want to know what kind of bugs these are 'cause I'm like a bug
25:30
a day doesn't actually sound that bad to me and but it
25:34
depends on the bug. I'm like, if you're seeing like
25:37
full blown spiders every single day, you might have a problem.
25:40
There might be something deeper going on there that you need to
25:42
consult a professional about. Yeah, no, I mean we just like
25:45
fully have a cockroach infestation.
25:47
Right now, yeah, that's something I keep to myself
25:49
personally. No, I do think especially in New
25:54
York, I think cockroaches in New York are like ants.
25:58
It's like if you have people who have like ants in their house,
26:02
it's it's it's not like a character fail failure.
26:05
It's like this is there's bugs where the world has bugs in pop
26:11
culture. People with cockroaches are like
26:14
scum of the earth. But it's like, actually, no, it
26:17
happens to the best of us sometimes, sort of like life.
26:21
It's sort of like lice is what I was going to say you.
26:23
Had like a deep spiritual epiphany.
26:29
It's kind of like life, actually.
26:31
No, I was trying to say it's kind of like lice where it's
26:34
like, I think we, we associate lice with like your disgusting
26:38
sicko barfo, but actually it's like lice are enticed by
26:43
beautiful, luscious, clean hair. I remember when I was I, I don't
26:47
think we ever actually had lice, but there was 1 moment, which is
26:51
even worse actually, because I was like actually we had a
26:55
different kind of bug in our hair.
27:00
And I think it's better to just say I had lice.
27:02
But I remember because we always, every year we would go
27:05
to Michigan on vacation. One of the most Midwestern
27:09
things I've ever said. We went to this lake house every
27:13
summer and yeah, the water was like water that as an adult I
27:20
would not get in. I as an adult, I'm like, I
27:23
cannot believe we got in that water.
27:24
You can't see one if you if your hand goes more than a foot
27:28
underwater, you can't see shit. I stepped on a full blown Shard
27:32
of glass before and we would still get in the water every day
27:38
and there was snakes and shit in there.
27:39
Like absolutely not. But we got back one one year and
27:45
my mom was giving me a haircut and she was like, wait a second,
27:52
there's there's some extra stuff here.
27:55
And my dad immediately jumped up, ran to the store to get the
28:01
the harshest chemicals that they could douse in my my head.
28:05
But I'm like, I don't think it was actually lice, which is so
28:08
weird. It like did not look like lice.
28:10
It was just a different bug altogether.
28:13
I don't really know why I went down that track.
28:15
Killing bugs. Killing bugs.
28:17
I firmly agree with not showing mercy.
28:21
I don't believe in bug amnesty. I am it's stand your ground when
28:27
it comes to bugs in my house. It's I'm going full blown
28:33
Florida Republican when it comes to you bugs on my house.
28:36
My, I have windows in my apartment that don't really open
28:40
that far because I live on a higher floor and they think I'm
28:45
going to jump, but, but I also, it doesn't have screens and I'm
28:51
like, I'd hate that cause yeah, I don't want to be opening my
28:53
windows. I'm kind of afraid of opening my
28:55
windows A, because there's no screens and B, because I'm like
29:00
the air outside is toxic. I should, but also it's like
29:05
that's kind of the air that's coming through the air
29:07
conditioner ultimately. But I'm like, also, isn't there
29:10
a filter in there? But also, like, is the filter
29:13
moldy? So there's just so many things
29:17
to think about. But yeah, I that sometimes I'm
29:20
like, I don't want to open my window 'cause then shit gets in,
29:23
bugs get in and stuff. And I don't want to be like this
29:25
woman going crazy because I have to kill a bug every day.
29:30
No, but I am like, yeah, depends on the bug.
29:33
It really depends on the bug. If it's like a little tiny Ant
29:36
or something, then chill out. If you're seeing like centipedes
29:40
every day, something is going on.
29:44
I don't like the this the one kind of centipede that's like
29:46
really fast. I don't fuck with spiders.
29:50
I am pretty arachnophobic. That's one of my biggest fears.
29:55
I can't even, I can't even think about it.
29:57
No, yeah, I'm, I like one of my biggest irrational fears, if
30:06
it's not entirely irrational, is seeing like, like a Black Widow
30:12
spider or the other, the brown recluse.
30:15
No, thank you. I think I remember seeing a
30:18
really hairy spider in my dorm room in college, and it really,
30:22
really upset me because I was like, how did that get in here?
30:26
I don't like that at all. I don't like when the zoo has a
30:29
spider in it. It's like a little thing that's
30:32
like here, look at the spider. No, actually, that one should be
30:36
outside, far away or kill it. And I don't like not to just
30:42
keep going on this point. I don't like when people are
30:45
like, oh, actually the spider is good for good for the culture or
30:49
whatever. Oh, it's good for the it's good
30:51
for the ecosystem. Well, it should have thought
30:53
about that before it came into my house.
30:57
I don't care what else it's killing.
30:59
But maybe that's what she needs is kind of like, you know how
31:02
people get a cat to deal with a mice problem.
31:06
Maybe you need to get some type of predatory bug that will take
31:11
care of all the other bugs for you, but I don't even believe
31:14
that because that's disgusting. All right, then we have a follow
31:18
up to a previous call in I'm told.
31:21
Hello, I have a very important It's not an important comment to
31:25
make regarding the loud sneezing and that is a My father-in-law
31:29
is the loudest sneezer I've ever heard, to the point where I
31:33
actually think he's screaming when he seizes and he practices
31:39
a lot of patience in his life. I won't go into details and
31:44
still all the family drama but he is a classic boomer man who
31:50
also needs to practice patients and I think he needs an outlet
31:54
and that's why he sneezes so loud.
31:56
I think that's the time he feels most free and the sneezing is so
32:02
bad that it's there. He caused a phobia in their dog
32:07
to the point now where if that dog hears anybody sneeze at all
32:11
then she runs and hides. So I just needed to say that
32:16
unfortunately I fear that my husband, who is also now a
32:20
father, has begun to sneeze in this way as.
32:25
Well, Oh no. Not happy about it and I worry
32:30
about how much force it could get.
32:31
So yeah, no, no, no to the loud sneezing.
32:36
Do not scream when you say thank you very much.
32:42
Let him have his outlet, he needs it.
32:46
I think one of the funniest ways we've ever heard someone call
32:49
their mother-in-law a huge bitch.
32:50
Actually it was embedded. It was was between the lines of
32:54
that phone call. What I was hearing was that your
32:56
mother-in-law is a huge bitch. My father-in-law practices a lot
33:02
of patience. I won't go into details.
33:06
You've said enough. Actually, it sounds like he
33:08
desperately needs that sneeze. Yeah.
33:12
No, I I will agree and reiterate that one thing about the loud
33:16
sneeze is that it's never about the sneeze.
33:19
It's about you're. You're releasing demons and
33:23
clearly your father-in-law has them.
33:25
And soon your husband will too. I can imagine that being so
33:30
scary, though, is seeing your partner.
33:34
It's like seeing your partner's parents and then realizing like,
33:37
uh oh, that is the future. All right, let's, let's move on
33:42
to my what? The hecks of the week, all the
33:45
stuff that's making me say what the heck, fast?
33:48
What the heck? Is everybody wearing big shorts?
33:50
Now? That's something that I would
33:53
like to know, actually. When did shorts get so big all
33:56
of the sudden? Do we hear that sometimes
34:01
they're doing sirens in ways that they should not be doing
34:04
sirens? I'm like that.
34:05
You're not even fully committed to the siren at that point.
34:07
You're just committed to pissing me off.
34:10
I do. One of the craziest things about
34:12
living in New York City is knowing that like, if anything
34:15
severe were to happen, requiring an emergency, so many people
34:19
would be pissed off at the ambulance desperately trying to
34:21
get to my failing body. And like the amount I have to
34:26
check myself so many times where I'm like, son of a bitch, this
34:30
annoying ass ambulance. Meanwhile, they're like
34:32
desperately trying to get to a saving a life and I'm just like,
34:37
this is this is ruining my experience of House of the
34:40
Dragon right now. By the way, had to fully restart
34:46
that show. Do you think I remember shit?
34:48
Why are we doing so? We're doing too many, too many
34:52
months in between shows now. All the release 10 episodes of
34:56
something that I don't remember shit about.
34:58
And so now I have to go back and watch 20 hours of television
35:01
just to remember all of the fucking interrelationships of
35:05
your your, your incest dragon show.
35:10
We need to be doing a better job of helping me remember.
35:14
Anyway. Shorts are too big.
35:18
Everyone's shorts are so big now.
35:19
And I don't. I remember that image of Kevin,
35:23
what's his name? Kevin Smith.
35:28
Kevin Smith. Big jorts was a huge meme back
35:32
in the day. Look up Kevin Smith.
35:34
Huge jorts. They were some of the biggest
35:38
jorts you've ever seen in your life.
35:40
Kevin Smith that that one guy who makes movies.
35:44
Bob, Silent, Bob, Silent Bob. And whatever he was pumping gas
35:49
in the paparazzi got him in the biggest pair of jorts that
35:53
you've ever seen. And now that's just kind of the
35:55
norm. I need to pull up Kevin Smith
35:57
big jorts just to get the visual.
35:59
Yeah, These don't even look that crazy now.
36:02
OK, No, they still look crazy. They still look crazy.
36:07
It's it's the biggest pair of shorts I've ever seen.
36:12
They're so big, but also like, this is what all of Gen.
36:17
Z dresses like now. This is like, this is the gayest
36:21
a person could look. Actually, in 2026, this is what
36:24
gay people are going to the club in exactly what Kevin Smith big
36:27
shorts. This was a meme for 10 years and
36:30
now it's just, it's just normal. I'm committed to wearing the
36:34
tiniest shorts imaginable. I'm committed to wearing shorts
36:37
that are borderline uncomfortable for everybody
36:41
because yeah, why am I? Why am I wearing a a spacious
36:45
jort to look like if to look like I won't hit the ground if I
36:50
jump off a building Because my my pants will turn into
36:53
individual parachutes. Also, I'm envious of like I am
36:58
envious of people who can go on vacation and just kind of pack,
37:02
you can pack like 40 outfits. Like the people on Love Island
37:06
I'm sort of envious of because they can fit 60 days of outfits
37:10
into a single suitcase because they're all just basically a
37:13
string. And that's always what I'm
37:16
trying to go for with my tiny shorts is I want to be able to
37:21
fit the most amount of outfits in the smallest amount of space.
37:24
You can't do that with big jorts.
37:28
But everyone, it's sort of like, I mean, other people have talked
37:30
about this before, but straight people and gay people have kind
37:34
of switched fashion in the last five years.
37:38
It's like now straight guys are wearing short shorts and gay
37:43
guys are wearing camo. And like, like Carhartt, gay
37:49
people should not be wearing Carhartt.
37:51
Make gay people gay again is what I say.
37:55
I was trying to do the acronym in my head.
37:58
MAGAGA Next. I got real sad today because I
38:05
went to the store. I went to a certain big box
38:07
store that will not be named because I should not be shopping
38:10
there. And I saw all the back to school
38:13
stuff laid out and I got sad because I was like we need to
38:17
have back to school shopping. For me personally, I want to
38:20
back to school. Adults should be able to partake
38:23
in back to school shopping. I will forever be chasing the
38:26
high of that open up. That fresh Jansport, getting
38:32
that that crisp fresh zipper that hasn't been worn out by by
38:36
200 days of me yanking it open and stuffing it full of 10
38:40
textbooks. I was that kid.
38:43
I was that kid walking around with a book bag that was this
38:46
far off of my back because it was loaded up with like 1015 LB
38:54
books. But yeah, the, the getting that
38:58
school supply list at the beginning of the year and you
39:01
have to go to the store and check them all off.
39:04
Beautiful stuff, beautiful stuff that I just cannot replicate
39:08
anymore. It kind of ruins when you can
39:10
just go to the store and buy a, a, a fresh pack of Sharpies
39:15
anytime you want. It's sort of ruins the, the
39:19
glory of getting that fresh pack every every August.
39:24
I I also think it's too early for back to school stuff to be
39:27
set up already. I don't know if the stores are
39:29
just kind of like, well, what are we going to do?
39:31
We're not celebrating anything. They should be doing an aisle
39:33
for my birthday, actually. Anyway, next, there are too many
39:40
buttons in the car now. I think car manufacturers really
39:45
hit the jackpot when they invented the button that makes
39:48
the window go down. People of a certain age remember
39:51
you had to crank. You had to crank that shit.
39:54
You wanted to roll down your window at the drive through.
39:57
You need to go. Then they invented button, and
40:03
button just took your your window straight down.
40:07
They took that concept and started applying it to things
40:10
that should not, should not see a button.
40:13
Why? Why is there a button for
40:15
literally everything in the vehicle?
40:18
The Uber that I took yesterday. The other day, the Uber driver
40:22
had printed out a photograph of himself holding the handle and
40:28
opening the door to explain how to get out of his car.
40:31
And I was like, I love the fact that this man is so fucking fed
40:36
up with everybody who doesn't know how to get out of his car
40:40
that he had a photo. I could put it, I took a picture
40:42
of it. I'll put it up on the on the TV.
40:45
This man was so fed up about having to explain if there was
40:48
an image not just on the seat in front of me, but also on the
40:52
door handle. He was like, I want you to think
40:55
about how you're going to get out of this car throughout the
40:58
duration of this ride so that when the time comes, you will
41:01
know exactly how it works. And he was right for that.
41:05
Because I would not have been able to figure it out on my own.
41:08
And it wasn't a Tesla, cause Tesla's I know I don't know what
41:11
they're doing there. You have to one of the least
41:14
intuitive door handles I've ever seen all for the sake of having
41:17
a flush flat car thing unnecessary.
41:21
Yeah. It doesn't protect you from
41:23
maybe having a little spider behind there.
41:25
Sure. That's a huge fear of mine is
41:28
that I'm going to grab the door handle and it it would have a,
41:32
a, a bug behind it. The fear I've thought about
41:36
before. Another fear that I was thinking
41:38
before and then then I got off topic.
41:41
Do you ever think about like whether you can, whether there
41:45
is like a trail of evidence for where you've been in the last 24
41:48
hours? Like, I do this thought
41:52
experiment all the time where I'm like, could I account for my
41:56
whereabouts the last 24 hours so that if I am accused of a
42:00
vicious violent crime of an SVU nature, then could I, could I
42:05
defend myself by saying, no, These, this is I am innocent.
42:09
This, these are, this is where I've been.
42:11
Yeah. Here are the time codes on of
42:13
these cameras right places I was in.
42:15
I would say I would have an easy job of it because I'm almost
42:18
always in my apartment and like I'm almost positive my building
42:22
has cameras at the entrance. So I'm like, you would you would
42:26
be able to see me coming and going?
42:29
But yeah, I don't know. That is, you know, obviously
42:32
huge fear is being implicated in some type of crime or being
42:36
accused of a crime that I did not commit.
42:40
But yeah, there are too many car buttons.
42:43
There are far too many car buttons now.
42:45
And I'm just like, bring back, bring back having to crank shit
42:48
with your hand. That's I'm, I'm good at that.
42:51
We know this. Next, stores that are just
43:01
blasting music for no good reason.
43:04
We need to be calming down with that.
43:06
OK, I I know that physical stores are already suffering
43:11
enough. Why are we trying to scare
43:12
people away by by literally having bass thumping music
43:18
blaring out of your store speakers when I'm just trying to
43:21
find a pair of shorts at 11 AM? They used to assault the fuck
43:26
out of you. You.
43:26
You would walk through the mall. My God walking through a mall.
43:30
You. You wonder why malls are all
43:32
closed now in a post apocalyptic because you would walk through a
43:37
mall. Sensory nightmare.
43:40
They were blasting you in the face with perfume they had men
43:45
with. They're full blown neener's out
43:49
outside of Hollister. They then you walk into sun.
43:53
It's like the Rainforest Cafe inside because it's pitch black
43:56
and there's like a lightning and Thunder and thumping bass music.
44:00
But yeah, I, I mean, I appreciate that some stores are
44:04
trying to deliver on sort of a multi sensory experience, but
44:09
sometimes you're doing too much in these stores.
44:13
And I'm like, I do not want to feel like I'm under attack
44:18
because I need some basic T-shirts and socks and finally
44:24
my what the hey, for the week, the thing that's making me say,
44:27
hey, someone DM Ed me. And they were like, it's not too
44:31
late to change. They suggested, heck yes, you're
44:39
you're heck yes. I was like, I guess I've it
44:42
doesn't it's not quite the parallel because I'm not doing
44:46
heck knows I'm doing what the hecks.
44:49
What the hey, still the winner, I think.
44:51
Anyway, my what the hey, this week is brunch lasagna.
44:57
Hear me out. Having a big fat slice of
45:00
lasagna for brunch. And yeah, you're probably
45:02
thinking, oh, interesting. Is it's like a lasagna that has
45:06
maybe eggs in it or something, or like breakfast food.
45:09
No, I'm talking about I'm talking about heavy bechamel
45:14
bolognese. Big fat, greasy slice of lasagna
45:18
for brunch on a Sunday. Beautiful stuff.
45:22
Did I do it this past weekend? Absolutely.
45:24
And it was having a disgustingly gluttonous brunch and then going
45:32
home and absolutely passing out. Truly beautiful human
45:37
experience. This is what being alive is all
45:39
about. I think like I, I'm trying to
45:43
become more of a proponent of eating heavier in the beginning
45:48
of the day. And then I mean, I'm still
45:51
finishing out eating pretty heavy at the end of the day.
45:55
But I do think we need to be kind of front loading the day
45:59
with more of the heavier items. So you're not going to bed with
46:03
a big fat, you know, rock of hearty lasagna in your stomach,
46:08
which I did not do yesterday because I ate it at 11 AM even.
46:13
Though then you did take a. Nap, yeah, no, I mean, we
46:16
actually after brunch went for a fairly longer walk, got my steps
46:21
in after lunch and then then got back and passed out for a few
46:25
hours. For sure, for sure, for sure.
46:27
Was definitely one of those like fall asleep type of days and
46:30
wake up and you don't know what day it is.
46:32
You don't know what what time of day it is.
46:36
That was like I called my mom the other day and it was like 88
46:39
at night and she was like, hello, is it is it 8 in the
46:43
morning or 8:00 at night? I was like, Oh my God, are you
46:47
are you alone? Is there someone there with you
46:49
who can check on you Anyway, having a big, big hearty slice
46:56
of lasagna and I finished that shit.
46:58
I ate all of it. Nothing is I, I'm this way and
47:02
I've been this way is when I go to a restaurant, I'm finishing
47:06
everything on the plate. And when you are with, when
47:10
literally everybody else, especially when someone got the
47:12
same thing as you and you can see what their sort of normal
47:17
relation with that food is. And then but sometimes it pisses
47:20
me off. I sometimes it pisses me off
47:22
when you're at like a restaurant or something and someone is
47:24
like, well, I can make 2 meals out of this.
47:26
Shut the fuck up and eat all of it because I'm eating all of it
47:30
in one go and you're not going to humiliate me by trying to
47:33
turn that into two meals when we're basically, you're not a
47:38
child if you're a fully blown illegal adult.
47:43
We're eating the same amount and I'll force you to do it.
47:46
Yeah, we, we went to brunch at this Italian restaurant and it
47:49
was, it's truly kind of disorienting to have brunch at
47:53
an Italian restaurant 'cause it's like, hmm, do I get the
47:56
pancakes or the lasagna, which is not quite a choice that
48:02
everybody is making at brunch. Ultimately we did do the classic
48:07
pancake for the table and individual brunch items, but it
48:10
is kind of a mind fuck when you're doing pancake and hearty
48:15
bolognese lasagna. Another reason I needed a three
48:19
hour nap because I was the pancakes were involved and a
48:23
cocktail. Anyway, that's it for this
48:29
week's episode. Thank you for listening.
48:31
Thank you for watching. If you're watching, which you
48:33
should be, make sure you comment review only if it's nice.
48:37
I don't want to hear your shit. And yeah, make sure comment and
48:41
share on the clips that we post online.
48:44
Call the What the Heck Hotline and that's it.
48:46
See you next week. A bye.
48:49
This has been an episode of What the Heck with Matt Bellicide.
48:52
You can call and leave us a voicemail about what's making
48:54
you say what the heck this week and you might be featured on a
48:57
few feature episode. Call us at 407-984-6288.
49:01
That's four O 7. WTH Matt.
49:04
What the heck with Matt Belisai is produced by Same Boat Studios
49:07
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49:10
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49:16
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49:17
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