Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / How the Tightrope of Assertiveness Penalizes Women at Work
Transcript
- Lucas: A few years ago I came across a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology that I still think about. Researchers gave participants an identical negotiation script — the exact same words — but changed the name on top from a male name to a female name. Luna: And I'm guessing the evaluation was not the same. Lucas: Not even close. When the script had a male name, participants rated the negotiator as 'tough but effective.' When it had a female name, they used words like 'demanding' and 'aggressive.' Same words, different judgments. Luna: Right, the classic double bind. You're penalized for being assertive because it violates the expectation of being communal and warm. But if you're too warm, you're seen as weak and ineffective. Lucas: Exactly. And this is the tightrope women walk every day in professional settings. I'm Lucas. Luna: And I'm Luna. Welcome back to Women at Work with Fexingo. Today we're drilling into the assertiveness penalty — why it persists, what the data actually says, and whether there are strategies that can mitigate it. Lucas: Before we go deep — and I mean this sincerely because we don't run ads — if this conversation helps you think through a career move or a negotiation you're facing, and you want to support the show staying independent and ad-free, there's a small way. It's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's it. No pressure, just if it's worth a coffee to you. Luna: And we mean it — the smallest thing keeps this going. Alright, let's get into the research. Lucas: So that 2022 study — it wasn't an outlier. There's a meta-analysis from 2019 that looked at 63 experiments on gender and negotiation. The finding was consistent: women who initiate negotiations face a social penalty that men don't. Luna: And that penalty is not just a feeling — it shows up in outcomes. Fewer callbacks, lower performance ratings, even smaller raises when they do get the job. Lucas: Exactly. One of the most cited experiments is from Hannah Riley Bowles at Harvard. She had managers evaluate candidates who asked for a higher salary. Male candidates who asked were seen as 'more competent.' Female candidates who asked were seen as 'less nice' — and managers said they were less likely to want to work with them. Luna: So the advice 'just ask' is not enough, because the system penalizes you for asking. Lucas: Right. And this is where the double bind really tightens. If you don't ask, you don't get. If you do ask, you risk being seen as unlikable. And likability matters for career advancement — it's correlated with promotions, mentorship, and sponsorship. Luna: There's a famous example from the 2008 financial crisis. Sheila Bair, who was chair of the FDIC, was consistently described as 'tough' and 'aggressive' in media coverage — same terms used for her male counterparts like Hank Paulson. But Bair's policies were widely respected after the crisis. Yet during it, she faced pushback for being too direct. Lucas: Good example. The penalty isn't just in the lab — it's in real boardrooms. And the research shows that evaluators don't even realize they're biased. In one study, when participants were told the gender of the negotiator, they rated the woman lower. But when the gender was hidden, the ratings were equal. Luna: So awareness doesn't help unless you actively anonymize the process. That's a structural fix. Lucas: Which is why some companies are moving to blind performance reviews and salary negotiations with set ranges. But individual women still have to navigate these waters today. Luna: So what does the research say about strategies that actually work? Are there ways to be assertive without triggering the backlash? Lucas: One approach that has good evidence is what Adam Grant calls 'assertive framing with communal reasons.' Instead of saying 'I deserve this because of my performance,' you say 'Our team has delivered these results, and I'd like to be compensated in line with market rates so I can continue contributing at this level.' Luna: So it's still assertive — you're asking for something — but you're embedding it in a communal context. You're not just asking for yourself; you're connecting it to the team's success. Lucas: Exactly. The research shows that when women negotiate on behalf of others, the penalty almost disappears. In one experiment, women who negotiated for a higher salary for a colleague were rated just as positively as men. But when they negotiated for themselves, the penalty appeared. Luna: Interesting. So if you're negotiating, you can frame it as 'I want to ensure I can keep delivering for the team' or 'I'm asking because market data shows this role is valued at X.' Lucas: Right. And another tactic is to use 'relational accounts' — explaining your request in terms of fairness or market norms rather than personal entitlement. The same speech, just with a different justification, can reduce backlash. Luna: But doesn't that put an extra burden on women? Having to navigate this framing perfectly, while men can just say 'I want more money.' Lucas: Absolutely. That's the unfairness at the heart of it. The system shouldn't require women to do this extra work. But until structural changes happen, these micro-strategies can help individual women close the gap. Luna: There's also the role of the person on the other side of the table. If the manager is aware of this bias, they can consciously adjust. Some organizations now train managers to recognize assertiveness backlash. Lucas: Yes. And one of the simplest interventions is to ask managers to evaluate candidates based on objective criteria before discussing salary. That reduces the influence of likability. Luna: But we should be clear: the burden shouldn't be on women to 'fix' themselves. The fix is systemic. Lucas: No doubt. The 2022 study I mentioned — when participants were given an explicit reminder about unconscious bias before evaluating, the gender gap in ratings disappeared. So just a nudge can help. Luna: That's encouraging. But it also shows how fragile the bias is. It's not deep-seated animosity; it's an automatic association. Lucas: Right. And that means it's malleable. Which is why I'm optimistic that as more people understand this dynamic, we'll see change. Luna: Let's talk about the data on how this plays out in real careers. The cumulative effect of small penalties in each negotiation can be huge over a lifetime. Lucas: There's a study from Carnegie Mellon that looked at starting salaries of MBA graduates. Women who negotiated were offered, on average, the same as men who didn't negotiate. But men who negotiated got a 7 percent higher bonus. The penalty isn't just in getting the job — it's in the terms. Luna: And that compounds. If you start at a lower base, every subsequent raise is a percentage of a smaller number. Over 40 years, that can mean hundreds of thousands of dollars. Lucas: Exactly. The gender pay gap isn't just about discrimination in promotions — it's baked into the negotiation process from the very first job offer. Luna: So what's one concrete thing a woman can do tomorrow if she's preparing for a negotiation? Lucas: I'd say: prepare a script that includes a collective justification. Practice saying something like 'Based on my contributions to the team and market benchmarks, I'm requesting a salary adjustment to X.' Then rehearse it out loud. The more you hear yourself say it, the more natural it feels. Luna: And also, for the listener: if you're the manager, you can actively ask yourself, 'Would I react the same if the person across from me were a man?' That simple check can reduce bias. Lucas: Good point. On that note, there's a tool called the 'Gender Bias Calculator' from the Clayman Institute at Stanford that helps managers check their own decision-making. It's free. Luna: We'll link to that in the show notes. But let's bring it back to the big picture. The assertiveness penalty is one of the most well-documented biases in organizational behavior. And yet many women still don't know about it. Lucas: That's why we're talking about it. Awareness is the first step. Then you can choose your strategy — whether it's framing, or choosing a different context, or working with an organization that has structural safeguards. Luna: I want to close with a thought: the penalty exists, but it's not insurmountable. Women have been successfully navigating this for decades. The more we name it, the less power it has. Lucas: And the more we push for systemic changes — like blind evaluations and transparent salary bands — the faster we can reduce the need for individual workarounds. Luna: So here's the question for our listeners: have you experienced the assertiveness penalty? Or have you found a strategy that works? We'd love to hear from you. Lucas: You can reach us at womenatwork at fexingo dot com. That's all lowercase, no spaces. We'll read some responses in a future episode. Luna: And if you found today's episode valuable, consider supporting the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It helps us keep the conversation going. Lucas: Thanks for listening. We'll talk to you next time.