Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 96. How to find your identity after having a child (the loss of self, unspoken grief, and finding your confidence again) 😓

Transcript

96. How to find your identity after having a child (the loss of self, unspoken grief, and finding your confidence again) 😓 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics
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Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises with Ashley and Tiana.
0:34
Speaker 1: And this one is all for the mums. How to
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Speaker 1: find your identity after having a child, the loss of
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Speaker 1: your old self, the grief and finding your confidence again
0:42
Speaker 1: after having children, which is something so many mums are
0:46
Speaker 1: wanting more help with. So many moms struggle with. It's
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Speaker 1: in my DMS every single day. Powerful topic. It is
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Speaker 1: a powerful topic. It's a really important one and it's
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Speaker 1: something that I think I can lead with confidence because
0:56
Speaker 1: I think I do really well not to choot my
0:58
Speaker 1: own horn, but I do to you do. I love
1:02
Speaker 1: being like a leader in this space because I think
1:04
Speaker 1: it's so important for us not to lose ourselves and
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Speaker 1: to honor what's important in our lives before pregnancy and
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Speaker 1: after we have children, our hobbies, our passions, our purposes,
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Speaker 1: our relationships, our friendships, things that light us up. When
1:17
Speaker 1: you become a mum, you're not just a mum. You're
1:20
Speaker 1: still everything that you were underneath all of that, it
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Speaker 1: can just look and feel a little different. So let's
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Speaker 1: get into it. Why do so many mums lose themselves personally?
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Speaker 1: I think a lot of mums lose themselves when they
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Speaker 1: become a mother because there is this disordered belief that
1:35
Speaker 1: when you become a mum, that's all you are. And yes,
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Speaker 1: it is the most important job in the world, and
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Speaker 1: yes it's very consuming, and yes it is your number
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Speaker 1: one priority that would never change even for me. But
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Speaker 1: it's not all you have to be. You can still
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Speaker 1: be someone who enjoys a hobby, who plays sport, who
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Speaker 1: wants to learn an instrument, who wants to travel, who
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Speaker 1: wants to succeed in their career, who wants to do
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Speaker 1: a course, who wants to be sexy with their partner.
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Speaker 1: You can still be all of that. It's just navigating
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Speaker 1: and finding a new ne But what prevents us from
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Speaker 1: enjoying all of that is the story that society, I
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Speaker 1: think has told us that we can't do all of
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Speaker 1: that because our kids need to be everything. And you're
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Speaker 1: a bad mum if you take time away from your kids.
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Speaker 1: And I still see it when I go for date
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Speaker 1: night or I go traveling, or I come up to Brisbane,
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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, even we've been on a live last time. Yeah,
2:23
Speaker 1: how are the kids when you go away? I was like,
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Speaker 1: giggle it. I was like, amazing. They're all over Steve.
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Speaker 1: They're covering him like a rash, They're playing with him,
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Speaker 1: They're having the best time with him. They love their dad.
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Speaker 1: Do you mean, how are they? They're being very well
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Speaker 1: taken care of by their dad, but they're very capable,
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Speaker 1: hands on, present, loving dad. Yeah, they're fine, you know.
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Speaker 1: And I don't carry guilt for doing all of that
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Speaker 1: because I know that it makes me a better mum.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: And I will ever die on that hill of yelling
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Speaker 1: that out, screaming at the top of my lungs to
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Speaker 1: other mums that they can still have a life outside
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Speaker 1: of being a mum as well. And it's going to
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Speaker 1: look and be different to everyone. Your work might not
2:56
Speaker 1: require you to travel like it does me. You might
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Speaker 1: not value friendship as much as me. You might not
3:01
Speaker 1: want to play a sport or go to dance class.
3:03
Speaker 1: It's going to look and feel different to everyone. But
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Speaker 1: don't put yourself in a box to think that that's
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Speaker 1: all you have to be the next eighteen years off
3:10
Speaker 1: your life until your kid leaves home, because I promise you,
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Speaker 1: if that's what you do, you will lose yourself. You
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Speaker 1: will question everything, and when they do leave home and
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Speaker 1: leave the nest, you're gonna be like, who the fuck
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Speaker 1: am I? What do I like? What am I doing?
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Speaker 1: Who's that man that I've been living with? Your husband?
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Speaker 1: And I know this bo because I've watched my mum
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Speaker 1: go through it. Yeah, I wish she did things differently.
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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for what she did for us, but
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Speaker 1: I wish she took more time for herself and put
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Speaker 1: herself as a priority because her health suffered, her relationship suffered,
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Speaker 1: her life suffered, and when we all left, it was
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Speaker 1: like what now you know? You see? It feel like
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Speaker 1: it's really common. It's super common. And I'd also think
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Speaker 1: that our kids role model everything that we do. I
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Speaker 1: want them to value connection and friendship and purpose and
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Speaker 1: passion and have a mission to make the world a
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Speaker 1: better place. Who do they learn that from me. They're
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Speaker 1: not learning off Oprah. I love Oprah, Love twenty Robins.
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Speaker 1: But we have such a big impact on our children.
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Speaker 1: So what happens in the home and how we show
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Speaker 1: up is really important. And even when I come up here,
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Speaker 1: like Taj this morning, he was like, oh, you're going
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Speaker 1: to Brisbane again. I said, yeah, I am. Babe said why,
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Speaker 1: I guess I'll just miss you and I said I'll
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Speaker 1: miss you too. But you know how much mum loves this,
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Speaker 1: you know how much it helps women. He's like, I
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Speaker 1: know you love it. It's like gonna be back tomorrow.
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Speaker 1: And I was like, you're coming back. Mommy always comes back. Yeay, goodbye,
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Speaker 1: I fum my Daddy And it's all good. They're allowed
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Speaker 1: to miss me. Doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong.
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Speaker 1: Steve misses me, doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong
4:31
Speaker 1: by my relationship. But we create these stories that it's wrong,
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Speaker 1: and we hear from other moms too, you know, specially
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Speaker 1: with TikTok. God. I love TikTok, but I also think
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Speaker 1: it can be a dangerous place because you could see
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Speaker 1: one video and they're touching on a sore spot for
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Speaker 1: you if you're already feeling a little bit guilty and
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Speaker 1: edgy for planning a girl's trip or going back to
4:50
Speaker 1: workplace we putting your kid in daycare. You see this
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Speaker 1: one video that's like daycare is the worst thing ever
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Speaker 1: for you. Yeah, it's like, oh, oh my god, I'm
4:57
Speaker 1: the worst mother ever. I need to stay home. Makes
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Speaker 1: you spiral and guilt. Yeah, and then you don't go
5:01
Speaker 1: back to work and you're at home with your child
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Speaker 1: and that's beautiful, but it's not what you want. You're
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Speaker 1: not honoring what you want, and then you lose yourself
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Speaker 1: and you have resentment and you're miserable. And I want
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Speaker 1: to lead the way and show that it can be
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Speaker 1: done differently. So that's where I think it comes from.
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Speaker 1: When you have a child, two children, three children, it
5:18
Speaker 1: changes every single time, but it's new. You have to
5:21
Speaker 1: find a new way to be, new routines, new systems,
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Speaker 1: new everything, And that can be really challenging and difficult
5:28
Speaker 1: and uncomfortable because even in your relationship, so much changes
5:31
Speaker 1: because you've both got different new roles and you're both
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Speaker 1: taking on so much more, and there's less time for
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Speaker 1: connection and for the things that you like, like from
5:39
Speaker 1: going from one to two, I noticed a massive change.
5:42
Speaker 1: There was definitely way less time for the things that
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Speaker 1: I enjoyed. And you know what, there's different seasons. For
5:47
Speaker 1: the first year, it was heavily mum mode at home
5:50
Speaker 1: with Tarler connected with her. I didn't work as much.
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Speaker 1: Even finding an exercise routine was really hard enplay me
5:56
Speaker 1: and you, to be honest, thinking myself accountable. I didn't
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Speaker 1: feel as motivated to get up and go train. I
6:01
Speaker 1: wasn't enjoying it. Told myself that that fitness chapter was
6:04
Speaker 1: kind of closed to me now now that I'm a
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Speaker 1: mom of two. Yeah, you know, I just need to
6:07
Speaker 1: be at home with my kids. So easy to buy
6:09
Speaker 1: into the story. It's so easy to buy into the stories.
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Speaker 1: That's finding what works for you and your family and
6:16
Speaker 1: doing whatever you can to make it fit. That's really important.
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Speaker 1: Otherwise once again, you will lose yourself.
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Speaker 2: So you felt a difference between when you first became
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Speaker 2: a mom versus becoming a mom of two. What do
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Speaker 2: you feel like was the loss of self that you
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Speaker 2: had first when you had Taj versus when you first
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Speaker 2: had Tala.
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Speaker 1: I think it's easier to go from one to two
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Speaker 1: personally and I know every mom's got a different opinion,
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Speaker 1: but zero to one, your whole life changed. Everything slipped
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Speaker 1: outside down. You're so used to you putting yourself first,
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Speaker 1: or putting your relationship first, to everything being about this kid,
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Speaker 1: and naturally that happens. But to go from one to two,
6:53
Speaker 1: you kind of know what you're doing. No, that's expected. Yeah,
6:56
Speaker 1: so it's not such a shock to your system. So
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Speaker 1: I just found that transition a lot easier. So I
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Speaker 1: didn't lose myself so much in the second time because
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Speaker 1: I aren't from the first time. What it took, what
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Speaker 1: I needed, and how I'm going to do things differently
7:10
Speaker 1: because I did things not great in the first time.
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Speaker 1: It was like my warm up. Yeah, of course running
7:15
Speaker 1: in they're blind. I was never maternal. I hadn't been
7:17
Speaker 1: around many children. Neither had Steve. We don't even know
7:19
Speaker 1: what we're doing. So in my fast time, yeah, I
7:21
Speaker 1: made a lot of mistakes. So going second time around
7:24
Speaker 1: with like, okay, that did not work this time, what
7:26
Speaker 1: do we do differently? And we just found it a
7:28
Speaker 1: lot more smooth and we communicated so much better. For
7:31
Speaker 1: what do you need to feel your best? What do
7:33
Speaker 1: I need to feel my best? We're both going to
7:35
Speaker 1: not get a lot of sleep in the first six months.
7:37
Speaker 1: How do you maximize both of us getting enough sleep
7:40
Speaker 1: to be able to not just survive but try to
7:42
Speaker 1: thrive each day. And we found different systems that worked
7:46
Speaker 1: until it doesn't work, or the baby changes and their
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Speaker 1: less naps or they're waking up more or less and
7:50
Speaker 1: new adapt you to really flexible and adaptable in motherhood. Yeah,
7:54
Speaker 1: and that's a skill that it's taught me. I feel
7:55
Speaker 1: like I was quite a routine, structured person, which really
7:59
Speaker 1: serves me because I get a lot done. I'm quite
8:01
Speaker 1: a productive person and I'm like and I go all
8:03
Speaker 1: in yep, and I don't do things half asked. But
8:06
Speaker 1: being able to be flexible and adaptable to their changes
8:09
Speaker 1: and their knees is a very good skill set to
8:11
Speaker 1: have as a mom. Oh yeah, yeah, and in life, right,
8:14
Speaker 1: everyday life, because life's never going to be the same,
8:16
Speaker 1: it's always changing, she happens.
8:18
Speaker 2: Being able to be fluid fluid, yeah, yes, because I
8:20
Speaker 2: feel like it being a mom, everything would be unpredictable.
8:23
Speaker 1: In a sense.
8:24
Speaker 2: It is predictable actually when you're doing it for the
8:26
Speaker 2: first time and you actually don't know what's coming next.
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Speaker 2: And I imagine like going through the different phases and
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Speaker 2: seasons of you know, the newborn stage to the toddler.
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Speaker 1: Stage to the threes.
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Speaker 2: You know, it's like you don't know what's coming and
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Speaker 2: you have to learn how to change and adapt as
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Speaker 2: you go, just learning how to figure it out.
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Speaker 1: And you're getting to know this person. Like even now
8:48
Speaker 1: Tyala to Taj, Taj has so many more opinions, and
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Speaker 1: he's standing up for what he believes in, and he's
8:53
Speaker 1: you know, fighting back on different things he doesn't agree with.
8:56
Speaker 1: Like even at the moment, for example, he cracks his
8:59
Speaker 1: knuckles all the time. Drives me nuts. I think I'm
9:02
Speaker 1: just noise sensitive and I thought it caused arthritis. Chat
9:05
Speaker 1: GBT confirmed it does not arthritis, so I'm want was
9:09
Speaker 1: back about that all the time, and he pushed back
9:11
Speaker 1: on it. He was like, well, I don't believe you.
9:13
Speaker 1: And then we got out chat GBT and we were
9:15
Speaker 1: very quickly shut down. Wow, there go. It's like, see
9:18
Speaker 1: it doesn't cause anything, so there's no problem to me
9:19
Speaker 1: cracking my knuckles. It feels good. I had nothing, I've
9:23
Speaker 1: got nothing. I'm like like all right, okay, cool and
9:25
Speaker 1: Steve's like, well, it's still it's a habit, and we
9:28
Speaker 1: want to break the habit because I would think over time,
9:30
Speaker 1: that's cover good for you. Yeah, and there's a reason
9:32
Speaker 1: why you're doing it. But that was just an example.
9:35
Speaker 1: You're adapting all the time. Yes. Another thing of why
9:38
Speaker 1: we lose ourselves in motherhood too is because we don't
9:40
Speaker 1: take care of ourselves. Once again, that stories you have
9:43
Speaker 1: to put your kids before anyone else, and you do.
9:46
Speaker 1: But putting your kids as a priority doesn't mean you
9:48
Speaker 1: have to put yourself as a last priority. You can
9:50
Speaker 1: still know your worth, know that you're important, and know
9:53
Speaker 1: that when you take care of yourself, you show up
9:55
Speaker 1: is the best version of yourself for your kids. And
9:57
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be a full day spa. It's
10:00
Speaker 1: the little micro moments during it throughout the day. Yeah,
10:03
Speaker 1: it's choosing what you put into your body. It's choosing
10:06
Speaker 1: do you get up fifteen minutes before your kid normally
10:08
Speaker 1: gets up and getting out in the sunshine, or listening
10:10
Speaker 1: to a meditation or having a sauna or going for
10:13
Speaker 1: a walk around the block. It's doing those little things
10:15
Speaker 1: that just fill your cup up or forever say that
10:17
Speaker 1: you can't pour from a empty cup, which actually is
10:19
Speaker 1: a lie, because moms do that all the time because
10:21
Speaker 1: we have to. Yeah, however, why would you if you
10:23
Speaker 1: have a choice not to, Why would you try and
10:26
Speaker 1: pour from an empty cup all the time and give
10:28
Speaker 1: them whatever's left instead of the best of you? Overflow? Overflow?
10:32
Speaker 2: Why do you think that that happens when women become mothers,
10:36
Speaker 2: that they tend to lose themselves and no longer prioritize themselves.
10:39
Speaker 2: Do you think it comes from, like not knowing how
10:41
Speaker 2: to adjust to pouring into bub and still being able
10:45
Speaker 2: to give to themselves.
10:46
Speaker 1: Where do you think that that comes from. I think
10:47
Speaker 1: that we don't have a lot left to give, so
10:49
Speaker 1: we've got we are giving it to our kids. At
10:51
Speaker 1: the end of the day, it's like I don't have
10:52
Speaker 1: anything to give to my husband, let alone myself or
10:55
Speaker 1: my friends or work or anything. Yeah, it's very consuming.
10:57
Speaker 1: That's why I think it's important to understand the seasons.
10:59
Speaker 1: I was like that too for the first year, but
11:01
Speaker 1: then it's like, Okay, I don't want to sit here forever. Yeah,
11:03
Speaker 1: now they're getting older and sleeping a bit more, or
11:06
Speaker 1: you know, they can stay with the dad they're not breastfeeding.
11:08
Speaker 1: That is reliant on me. I'm going to carve out
11:10
Speaker 1: time here, babe. I'm going to go for a walk
11:13
Speaker 1: at four o'clock this afternoon. I'm going to do this.
11:15
Speaker 1: When do you need time? Let's work together, Let's tag team.
11:17
Speaker 1: We still tagged team all the time.
11:19
Speaker 2: Yeah.
11:19
Speaker 1: On the weekend, I go to the gym and go
11:20
Speaker 1: for my walk, come back. He does the same thing.
11:22
Speaker 1: And then our Saturday starts at ten am. We've both
11:24
Speaker 1: had our own time to fill our cups up. We
11:26
Speaker 1: feel good, we moved our body, I've connected with girlfriends.
11:29
Speaker 1: We're good to go. Yeah, it's this constant communication that
11:32
Speaker 1: and then the pressure of society. Yeah, that they have
11:35
Speaker 1: this new rule that they're allowed to put themselves first,
11:37
Speaker 1: and they're deemed as sell fish and a bad mum, right,
11:40
Speaker 1: And I get that all the time. So I get
11:41
Speaker 1: when women think that. Yeah, So like the fear of
11:44
Speaker 1: judgment of other moms. I'm not a good mum if
11:46
Speaker 1: I do things for myself and I'm looked at his
11:48
Speaker 1: bad mum all the time. Because I see my friends
11:50
Speaker 1: and I go away and I travel and all the things.
11:52
Speaker 1: That's terrible, isn't it? It's sad. I don't mean I
11:54
Speaker 1: don't take it on board because I know I'm not
11:55
Speaker 1: a bad mum of course.
11:56
Speaker 2: Mom.
11:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm a fantastic mom. I love the way for
11:58
Speaker 1: the parents down. Yeah. Care for my children a lot,
12:01
Speaker 1: and I believe what I'm showing them as a beautiful
12:02
Speaker 1: way to live life. I want them to live a
12:04
Speaker 1: life life this.
12:05
Speaker 2: I think it's really sad though, that that's put pressure
12:07
Speaker 2: on mums, because like mums are the ones who suffer
12:10
Speaker 2: in silence exactly, Like with all this pressure and like
12:13
Speaker 2: all of the stuff on social media about not being
12:15
Speaker 2: able to take a minute for yourself and taking that
12:17
Speaker 2: quite literally, and then they're like suffering inside and then
12:20
Speaker 2: the baby suffers, and then your partner suffers.
12:22
Speaker 1: And everyone feels it. Right, everyone does. What's that saying.
12:25
Speaker 2: I don't know how it goes, but everyone operates to
12:27
Speaker 2: the green mom does?
12:28
Speaker 1: Yeah something I have heard of that before. Yeah. And
12:32
Speaker 1: there's just so many rules that you put on mums,
12:34
Speaker 1: Like even if I wear like a more sexy outfit,
12:36
Speaker 1: I'll get comments on social media. Once again, doesn't bother
12:39
Speaker 1: me because I'm not insecure about it. But it's like
12:41
Speaker 1: moms shouldn't wear that, And I'm like, says who, Yeah,
12:45
Speaker 1: but because I push a baby out, I have a baby,
12:48
Speaker 1: I'm not allowed to where something tight to wear a
12:50
Speaker 1: moo moo yeah, apparently with your hair and a bun. Yeah,
12:54
Speaker 1: but why where these rules come from? But other women
12:57
Speaker 1: then see these comments and they're already feeling like, oh,
13:00
Speaker 1: is that do I need to be more conservative? Now
13:01
Speaker 1: I'm a mom? Am I not allowed to express myself
13:04
Speaker 1: in that way anymore? Is that deemed subtly feel bad?
13:07
Speaker 1: So there's all that pressure online that I think when
13:10
Speaker 1: other mums read that, it confirms them that I shouldn't
13:13
Speaker 1: be allowed to do that or you feeling like that,
13:15
Speaker 1: and they're tired and exhausted and depleted insecure their bodies change.
13:20
Speaker 1: It's so easy when it's noisy outside to take all
13:23
Speaker 1: that in Absolutely even more reason to take care of
13:27
Speaker 1: yourself so that you can make decisions that are aligned
13:29
Speaker 1: with you. If you're scattered and disregulated and taking all
13:32
Speaker 1: the noise and scrolling and numbing out and not taking
13:34
Speaker 1: care of yourself, yeah, you're going to be pretty influenced.
13:37
Speaker 1: And no way I'm going to let outside people make
13:40
Speaker 1: the rules of my life. And how I need to
13:42
Speaker 1: be as a mum.
13:42
Speaker 2: Oh I love that. No way, Mic Drop, Yeah, no way.
13:45
Speaker 2: It's so crazy to me though. You know, it's like,
13:48
Speaker 2: just because you have a baby doesn't mean that you
13:50
Speaker 2: lose all of these parts of yourself.
13:51
Speaker 1: Does it go away? Where does it go? Does it
13:53
Speaker 1: go in a cupboard?
13:54
Speaker 2: Yeah, because you're sitting in the noughty corner you're not
13:56
Speaker 2: allowed out.
13:57
Speaker 1: Where does it go? And why does it go? Yeah?
13:59
Speaker 1: Giving birth is so empowering, it's sexy, it's amazing, it's beautiful.
14:04
Speaker 2: This is why people have such sexual shame, because as
14:07
Speaker 2: soon as you become a mum, all of a sudden,
14:09
Speaker 2: you're not allowed to be sexually expressed. You're not allowed
14:11
Speaker 2: to feel powerful, feel sexy, feel confident in your own body,
14:15
Speaker 2: do things that are deemed as sexualized or over sexualized,
14:18
Speaker 2: which people label it as bad, but it's not. It's like,
14:22
Speaker 2: that's again how you create life. Intimacy is birthing children
14:26
Speaker 2: into the world, and it's through that sexual energy that
14:30
Speaker 2: we have.
14:30
Speaker 1: There's so much shame around it. And even the dance class,
14:33
Speaker 1: I was like, oh I love Vintage see Steven I
14:35
Speaker 1: cuddling and like being in love and being happy together
14:39
Speaker 1: and going experiencing things together. I tell you what, I
14:42
Speaker 1: have never received so many dms and what I received
14:45
Speaker 1: that night when I posted that dance routine. Wow, there
14:48
Speaker 1: was probably over a thousand. I reckon Wow. Three of
14:51
Speaker 1: them were bad, the rest were like, Wow, I'm so inspired.
14:55
Speaker 1: I want to do this with my husband. Where did
14:57
Speaker 1: you do this? Where's the art for it from? Do
14:59
Speaker 1: you think I could try this at home? How did
15:01
Speaker 1: you get confident to do that? Because I spoke about
15:03
Speaker 1: how I used to get uncomfortable watching that kind of content. Yeah,
15:06
Speaker 1: and it used to trigger me because I had sexual
15:08
Speaker 1: shame because I put myself into a box of I
15:10
Speaker 1: don't want to be seen as dirty or slutty or
15:13
Speaker 1: bad or anything. I'm the good girl. Men will like
15:15
Speaker 1: the well behaved girl on the street. They do, even
15:17
Speaker 1: not in the bedam. But I don't get into a box.
15:21
Speaker 1: So I can understand why that's true to watch that content.
15:24
Speaker 1: But I remember the first time I saw a girl
15:26
Speaker 1: online do a dance like this, I felt triggered, and
15:29
Speaker 1: I felt equally like, Ooh, I like this. I want
15:32
Speaker 1: to be able to do that. That's why I posted
15:34
Speaker 1: it because I want to be a leader in that.
15:35
Speaker 1: I want to show mums and just women in general
15:37
Speaker 1: that you can be all of that. There's no rules
15:40
Speaker 1: on when you can even age. Whomen were wiping up
15:42
Speaker 1: and like, oh, I'm fifty five. Do you think I'm
15:43
Speaker 1: too old for this? I was like, no, definitely not,
15:46
Speaker 1: absolutely not. Do it now at fifty five instead of
15:48
Speaker 1: waiting till you're eighty five on your deathbed looking back
15:51
Speaker 1: and going why did I just go and do that dance? Class?
15:52
Speaker 1: I wish when did they wisha live with me more?
15:54
Speaker 1: But I wish I did that? Never too old? So yeah,
15:58
Speaker 1: it's really cool. I felt so empowered after that dance.
16:01
Speaker 1: I love that. It was so good, so fun. Oh,
16:04
Speaker 1: so connecting brings the fire back in as well.
16:07
Speaker 2: Little things like that conscious effort to bring play, consistently,
16:10
Speaker 2: bring effort into the relationship. Yeah, pull back into you guys.
16:14
Speaker 1: So fun. Oh, I love that, so fun.
16:16
Speaker 2: Before becoming a mom, how would you have described your
16:19
Speaker 2: identity and how has that since changed?
16:23
Speaker 1: Oh? I think my identity was wrapped around being successful,
16:27
Speaker 1: having a lot of money, being well known, being the
16:29
Speaker 1: best in the industry. I think it was all wrapped
16:32
Speaker 1: around what success looked like, yeah, I valued relationships, connection
16:36
Speaker 1: and love. But I think my ego was very in
16:38
Speaker 1: the way I wanted to be perceived and looked at
16:41
Speaker 1: it a certain way. Yeah, And I think motherhood really
16:44
Speaker 1: broke that down and brought me back down to earth
16:45
Speaker 1: what was really important, which was relationships and love and
16:48
Speaker 1: purpose and be able to make a difference to my
16:50
Speaker 1: family and to other people.
16:53
Speaker 2: Do you think that was still like a value of yours,
16:55
Speaker 2: It just wasn't as much in the forefront. When you
16:58
Speaker 2: went from not being a mom to becoming a mum.
17:00
Speaker 1: It felt more purposeful. After I became a mum, I
17:04
Speaker 1: still wanted to be successful, but I felt like I
17:06
Speaker 1: wanted it to be more impactful. Yeah, it felt like
17:09
Speaker 1: for a bigger reason outside of the significance of being
17:13
Speaker 1: seen successful.
17:15
Speaker 2: What do you think the change was in that he
17:16
Speaker 2: said it felt more impactful.
17:18
Speaker 1: I just think it changed why I was doing what
17:20
Speaker 1: I was doing. I wanted to make a difference for myself,
17:23
Speaker 1: for my son because he was my firstborn, and for
17:27
Speaker 1: the people around me, rather than just to be seen
17:30
Speaker 1: a certain way. It just felt different. It changed me
17:32
Speaker 1: for the better. It's like my body. I used to
17:34
Speaker 1: work out to look a certain way, to be super lean,
17:38
Speaker 1: to have no sale light, to have a six pack,
17:41
Speaker 1: and to be looked at as the fitness girl. Yeah.
17:44
Speaker 1: And then when I had TAJ, I was like, Oh,
17:46
Speaker 1: it's not just about that. It's actually about appreciating my
17:48
Speaker 1: body for what it's done and appreciating for it that
17:51
Speaker 1: it gets me from A to B and that I
17:52
Speaker 1: can move And my health is now a priority for
17:55
Speaker 1: not what it looks like, but for what it does
17:57
Speaker 1: for me. Like that's way more important. Just shifted my mindset. Yeah.
18:01
Speaker 1: I love that my relationship with my self strengthened, the
18:05
Speaker 1: relationship with my body strengthened appreciation for what it could
18:08
Speaker 1: have done, what it did for me. Yeah, So it
18:10
Speaker 1: just changed how I viewed everything. I like that.
18:14
Speaker 2: What were the first kind of signs that you noticed
18:16
Speaker 2: when you felt like you were losing yourself in the
18:19
Speaker 2: transition into motherhood. Hm.
18:22
Speaker 1: I just felt like I didn't know who I was.
18:25
Speaker 1: I questioned everything, I couldn't make decisions. I felt scattered
18:29
Speaker 1: all the time, Like everything just felt like a big blur,
18:32
Speaker 1: and I just had no confidence to do anything except
18:36
Speaker 1: for go to the gym. Yeah, it was the only
18:38
Speaker 1: thing I felt like I was good at so I
18:40
Speaker 1: kind of just suppressed all how that was feeling. And
18:42
Speaker 1: as I was spoken about before, when you suppress some
18:44
Speaker 1: park things, it just blows up later on and then
18:46
Speaker 1: I started to have panic attacks and anxiety attacks and
18:48
Speaker 1: fell into a postpartum depression and spiraled. Do you think
18:52
Speaker 1: that was like overwhelm of the unknown? There was a
18:55
Speaker 1: lot going on at that time, with online trolling, becoming
18:57
Speaker 1: a new mum, My career was at its peak. On paper,
19:01
Speaker 1: everything looked really good, but behind closed doors, I was
19:03
Speaker 1: really suffering.
19:05
Speaker 2: Yeah, like becoming a new mum and dealing with the
19:07
Speaker 2: trolling and having to hold and deal with the transition
19:10
Speaker 2: from not being a parent to becoming a parent.
19:13
Speaker 1: And also social media too, everyone that posted about becoming
19:16
Speaker 1: a parent, it just looked so beautiful and easy, and
19:19
Speaker 1: it was the opposite. For me. It was not beautiful.
19:21
Speaker 1: It was not easy. I'm votaged being like two weeks old,
19:24
Speaker 1: and I looked at my mom and I was like,
19:25
Speaker 1: I don't think I can do this. I didn't think
19:27
Speaker 1: I made to be a mum, Like this is so
19:29
Speaker 1: hard and so daunting. I'm anxious every single day. I'm
19:33
Speaker 1: anxious when I go to bed at night, how many
19:34
Speaker 1: times is going to be up? And if I'm going
19:36
Speaker 1: to be able to settle him? And he's really coloquy
19:37
Speaker 1: and had a lip in tongue to which I didn't
19:39
Speaker 1: know at the start. I just questioned everything. I was
19:42
Speaker 1: constantly anxious, so I compared and then thought I was failing.
19:46
Speaker 1: So I'd carry shame in that and guilt in that,
19:48
Speaker 1: and compared to other women who just looked like it
19:50
Speaker 1: was so easy and breezy, and it might have been
19:52
Speaker 1: for them, but yeah, I really found it hard.
19:54
Speaker 2: Was there any part of you that felt like resentful
19:57
Speaker 2: towards those mothers who did him to have it quotations easy?
20:00
Speaker 1: Yep? I was so jealous. Yeah, And I would struggle
20:03
Speaker 1: to be around them, struggle to be happy for them.
20:07
Speaker 1: Makes he was one of them. Yeah, I was just
20:09
Speaker 1: so easy for her. She just loved being a mom.
20:12
Speaker 1: She's a stay at home mom and she didn't even
20:14
Speaker 1: have a license at that time, and she just floated
20:17
Speaker 1: about her day and did this and that, and she
20:20
Speaker 1: just loved every single moment of Sonny's life. And I
20:24
Speaker 1: was like, I don't love every moment. I actually find
20:26
Speaker 1: most of this really hard and I remember there was
20:28
Speaker 1: five of us that had babies at the same time.
20:30
Speaker 1: They were all girls except for Tage, and we'd always
20:33
Speaker 1: catch up five of us and like wrap them in
20:35
Speaker 1: cute little swaddles and take photos and everything. And he
20:38
Speaker 1: was always the one crying, screaming, crying. I couldn't settle him.
20:42
Speaker 1: I would leave because I was anxious, I was embarrassed.
20:45
Speaker 1: I would get scared to go and catch up with
20:46
Speaker 1: them all because their baby seemed so cruisy and easy.
20:48
Speaker 1: Mine was always upset. It was hard, so I always
20:52
Speaker 1: compared and I found it really hard to be happy
20:53
Speaker 1: for them they were having a good time because I
20:55
Speaker 1: was like, why is this not easy for me?
20:57
Speaker 2: Like?
20:57
Speaker 1: Why me? What am I doing wrong? I'm such a
20:59
Speaker 1: failure as a mom that I beat myself up and
21:01
Speaker 1: just suffer in silence. It was awful. How do you
21:04
Speaker 1: feel like you navigated out of that headspace went on
21:09
Speaker 1: for quite a long time. I feel like it was
21:11
Speaker 1: the first couple of years of Taji's life. I think
21:13
Speaker 1: as he got older, he got easier. I think the
21:15
Speaker 1: first year was the hardest, but as a toddler he
21:18
Speaker 1: was pretty cruisy. He's like a pretty cruisy kid and
21:22
Speaker 1: I also started getting coaches and how to support, learning
21:26
Speaker 1: how to help myself. And I think as I came
21:29
Speaker 1: out of the newborn phase, I started to get back
21:31
Speaker 1: into work and back into some hobbies and wasn't scared
21:35
Speaker 1: to ask mom to help, so Steem and I could
21:37
Speaker 1: go for date night and just started to venture out
21:38
Speaker 1: and do more things that lit me up. And then
21:40
Speaker 1: I felt like I could go back and handle motherhood
21:42
Speaker 1: better because I'd taken care of me. That's why I'm
21:44
Speaker 1: so passionate about it now, because I could feel that
21:47
Speaker 1: transition of when I started to step out and take
21:49
Speaker 1: care of me but myself as a priority, I was
21:51
Speaker 1: a better mum, like this not only serves me, that
21:54
Speaker 1: serves my child as well.
21:55
Speaker 2: And with that season that you were, like deep in
21:57
Speaker 2: the trenches of motherhood, is there anything that you would
22:00
Speaker 2: go back and implement earlier or do you think that that,
22:04
Speaker 2: like the way that you did it was perfect for
22:06
Speaker 2: where you were at.
22:06
Speaker 1: I mean it was good because I had to learn
22:08
Speaker 1: some really hard lessons in it. Yeah, But if I
22:10
Speaker 1: could go back, I probably would have got support more
22:13
Speaker 1: earlier on what does that look like like a dueler?
22:16
Speaker 1: For example? Yeah, CLO's birth. That was a game change
22:19
Speaker 1: of having that after Tyler. Yeah, just someone to hold
22:21
Speaker 1: me through my birth process. The nutrition side of things.
22:25
Speaker 1: They come weekly and do beautiful like sessions with you,
22:28
Speaker 1: whether it's a Yoni steaming or a massage, or they
22:31
Speaker 1: talk about your birth and cases any trauma there and
22:33
Speaker 1: help support you through that. It was someone to message
22:36
Speaker 1: all the time. If my baby was upset, they'd be like,
22:38
Speaker 1: have you tried this, We're going to drop off some
22:39
Speaker 1: probotics to you. I'm going to come and take the
22:41
Speaker 1: baby for an hour so you can go and have
22:42
Speaker 1: a nap. Like, just having that outside support I think
22:45
Speaker 1: was really really important. So I would do that differently,
22:48
Speaker 1: and I think just speak about it more online. Back then,
22:51
Speaker 1: no one was really sharing. Instagram stories were not a thing. Yeah,
22:54
Speaker 1: that wasn't a thing on the app yet. Yeah. Wow, yeah,
22:56
Speaker 1: it wasn't a thing. Oh that Snapchat was yeah, okay,
22:58
Speaker 1: And I don't know why, but I just I think
23:00
Speaker 1: I used to watch Shane Mitchell from a Pretty Little
23:03
Speaker 1: Lia love her, so she was huge on Snapchat back
23:06
Speaker 1: in the day, and I used to watch her post
23:07
Speaker 1: every second of her day. Her snaps were huge. I'd
23:10
Speaker 1: be like probably an hour's worth. Wow. And I just
23:13
Speaker 1: naturally started talking on there and sharing my journey and
23:16
Speaker 1: I found it quite therapeutic just talking about what I
23:18
Speaker 1: was going through and what was happening in the day.
23:20
Speaker 1: And then I started to get feedback from other moms
23:21
Speaker 1: like oh my gosh, thank you for sharing that, and
23:24
Speaker 1: that just gave me like an outlet, I suppose, and
23:27
Speaker 1: knowing that it was helping other mums that were going
23:28
Speaker 1: through it and maybe not feel so alone as well. Yeah, yeah,
23:31
Speaker 1: so beautiful.
23:33
Speaker 2: And in terms of like self care, what was self
23:36
Speaker 2: care like before you had children and how do you
23:38
Speaker 2: think that that's kind of evolved now?
23:40
Speaker 1: I feel like when I was younger, I didn't really
23:43
Speaker 1: take that great a care of myself. I just went
23:46
Speaker 1: to the gym all the time. I just wanted to
23:48
Speaker 1: be fit and help not even healthy fit and lean yeah,
23:51
Speaker 1: and look a certain way. I don't think I took
23:54
Speaker 1: very good care of myself, Like I didn't. I went
23:55
Speaker 1: to acupuntra to clear my skin, but it was fully
23:58
Speaker 1: to look better. Yes, I don't think I took very
24:01
Speaker 1: good care of myself when I was younger. I think
24:03
Speaker 1: I value myself more as a mom now is what
24:06
Speaker 1: I did when I was younger. So I take way
24:07
Speaker 1: better care of myself now. And I also have a
24:10
Speaker 1: sense of responsibility to be a good mum. If I'm
24:13
Speaker 1: not taking care of myself, I know I can't show
24:15
Speaker 1: up in a way that I'm proud of. Yeah, so
24:17
Speaker 1: I'm constantly I have a strong reason why to put
24:19
Speaker 1: myself as a priority because if I don't, my kids suffer.
24:22
Speaker 1: My kids are more important to me than anyone. Yeah, okay.
24:25
Speaker 2: Whereas like before, it was like, oh but it's just me,
24:27
Speaker 2: it's okay if I let it go or I'm not
24:30
Speaker 2: care about myself, I don't consistently show up for myself.
24:32
Speaker 1: But it's bigger than you. I didn't love myself back
24:34
Speaker 1: then either, So I didn't care. I honestly didn't care.
24:37
Speaker 1: I didn't think I was worthy, You didn't think I
24:39
Speaker 1: was important. Yeah, I didn't care. As now I care
24:42
Speaker 1: a lot. I love myself. Yeah, and I love my
24:46
Speaker 1: kids so much. I want you. I want them to
24:47
Speaker 1: have the best version of me.
24:50
Speaker 2: So you think having children allowed you to build a
24:53
Speaker 2: greater sense of self love for your self and appreciation
24:56
Speaker 2: so much?
24:56
Speaker 1: So, And like I said before, you're a walking example,
24:59
Speaker 1: like how you speak to yourself and how you treat
25:01
Speaker 1: your body and what you do in your house. Your
25:03
Speaker 1: kids are going to that's going to be their normal.
25:05
Speaker 1: It's why even having a strong marriage and putting my
25:07
Speaker 1: relationship as a priority, I want their normal to be
25:10
Speaker 1: happy and in love and touchy and going on date nights.
25:13
Speaker 1: I don't want it to be odd that parents go
25:15
Speaker 1: and do that, because then that's what they're going to have,
25:17
Speaker 1: like a rarity. I want them to see how Steve
25:19
Speaker 1: treats me and speaks to me and puts me to
25:21
Speaker 1: the priority, because I want Tirler to have a man
25:23
Speaker 1: like Steve. The same with your dad, your dad that
25:25
Speaker 1: sends you good morning messages and and he's so beautiful,
25:28
Speaker 1: and it's like you're like, why why would I sit
25:30
Speaker 1: off for anything less than what my dad gives me? Yeah,
25:32
Speaker 1: that's so freaking cool. It is cool. Yeah, and that's
25:35
Speaker 1: so beautiful.
25:36
Speaker 2: I think that's a cool perspective to have and something
25:38
Speaker 2: really beautiful for other women to hear, just as a
25:40
Speaker 2: piece of evidence. So I feel like there is a
25:42
Speaker 2: lot of stuff, even for me, as someone who's not
25:44
Speaker 2: a mum to hear. The more negative side of parenting
25:48
Speaker 2: and motherhood and and losing yourself. And whilst there's duality
25:52
Speaker 2: in the conversation we're having now, I think it's beautiful
25:55
Speaker 2: to hear that it made you love yourself more, so
25:57
Speaker 2: much more, because there are lots of things that you
25:59
Speaker 2: see about women, you know, falling out of love with
26:01
Speaker 2: themselves and not loving their reality and not knowing how
26:04
Speaker 2: to get back up, and you know, really losing themselves
26:07
Speaker 2: in becoming a parent. I think that's a really really
26:10
Speaker 2: important key thing that women get to hear that it
26:12
Speaker 2: is possible for them to love themselves more throughout the journey.
26:15
Speaker 1: Trust me, it is there's light at the end of
26:17
Speaker 1: the tunnel. And I think when you're so deep stuck
26:20
Speaker 1: in it, which trust me, if you're a mum right
26:22
Speaker 1: now and you were in the fucking trenches, I see you.
26:25
Speaker 1: I get it. It's traumatizing to even think about it
26:27
Speaker 1: because I just remember those days. It is dark, But
26:30
Speaker 1: I promise you there was light at the end of
26:31
Speaker 1: the tunnel and you will get out of it.
26:33
Speaker 2: What were some of the things that kind of helped
26:35
Speaker 2: you through when you were going through and you were
26:37
Speaker 2: thick in the trenches. What were the things that kind
26:40
Speaker 2: of got you through those moments.
26:42
Speaker 1: I think having girlfriends that were going through the same thing,
26:45
Speaker 1: like Gretty and I had Taj and her daughter Zahara
26:48
Speaker 1: at the same time. Yeah, so I think we really
26:50
Speaker 1: lent on each other, like if in our morning walks
26:51
Speaker 1: would take the kids together and that was our time
26:53
Speaker 1: to like talk and catch up and vent about the night.
26:57
Speaker 1: How many times have been away because I think that
26:59
Speaker 1: was really helpful, But honestly, not a lot. I was
27:02
Speaker 1: just deep in it. I think I was playing victim
27:04
Speaker 1: as well. But I think I was just in a
27:06
Speaker 1: dark period for a very long time. It wasn't until
27:08
Speaker 1: I pulled myself out and got outside support through a
27:11
Speaker 1: coach that I started to crawl out of it. But
27:14
Speaker 1: it was a long, slow journey. Yeah, it was not
27:18
Speaker 1: fun reality. I wish I had more powerful advice there,
27:20
Speaker 1: but like get help, get support. Stop thinking you have
27:24
Speaker 1: to do this by yourself. Make sure the people around
27:26
Speaker 1: you you can lean on them. Like I always felt
27:28
Speaker 1: I was just a burden. I felt like I was
27:30
Speaker 1: complaining all the time. So I started just to shut
27:32
Speaker 1: down because I didn't want to be a burden. Yeah,
27:35
Speaker 1: and then I didn't want to go to Steve Badt
27:37
Speaker 1: all the time too, because I felt like he was
27:38
Speaker 1: going through it as well, so he had enough on
27:41
Speaker 1: his plate. Plus he was running the business, so I
27:43
Speaker 1: kind of pulled away from him as well, so I
27:45
Speaker 1: just felt really lonely in it. I think I vented
27:47
Speaker 1: to my mum quite a lot. She was a strong
27:48
Speaker 1: support system for me, and she lived around the corner
27:51
Speaker 1: as well, so if I was having a hard day,
27:52
Speaker 1: I could literally take tars around there and just hang there.
27:55
Speaker 1: And I think getting out of the house, getting out
27:56
Speaker 1: of the house, actually, yeah, that really helped me and
27:59
Speaker 1: the baby carrot in the prem go for a car
28:01
Speaker 1: ride somewhere and just get out of my environment, just
28:03
Speaker 1: get some fresh air and change my state.
28:05
Speaker 2: That was really good, and get like a bit Cavin fever.
28:07
Speaker 1: Yes, day to day, getting out of the house. That
28:10
Speaker 1: was really important. And you know what, I think the
28:12
Speaker 1: Australian culture is not great. I have a friend that's
28:15
Speaker 1: from a Greek family. I have a friend who's from
28:17
Speaker 1: a Bania and it's like all in when someone has
28:21
Speaker 1: a baby in those things. Yes, yeah, my girlfriend in Melbourne,
28:24
Speaker 1: her family is still all around there all day every day,
28:26
Speaker 1: helping with her children, like when they're first born, she's like,
28:28
Speaker 1: I haven't even bathed my daughter because mum and auntie
28:31
Speaker 1: and sister and fuck and everyone's everyone's taken over. Yeah,
28:34
Speaker 1: whereas I think the Australian culture is very not like that.
28:37
Speaker 1: We're not a tribe, we don't have this collective village
28:39
Speaker 1: helping out. So yeah, mums are doing it by themselves.
28:42
Speaker 1: Like in the afric cultures, you're passing a baby around
28:44
Speaker 1: and everyone's helping to feed each child, and everyone's taking
28:47
Speaker 1: the baby when you need to have a rest, and
28:48
Speaker 1: say with the Chinese culture the forty days postpart and
28:51
Speaker 1: it's like mom is laying horizontal and resting, she's letting
28:54
Speaker 1: her body heal internally externally everyone's chipping in and grandparents
28:59
Speaker 1: there and annie's and uncles and it's just not like that.
29:01
Speaker 1: And earlier definitely not like that, so isolated and you're
29:04
Speaker 1: so lonely, and then the women that are celebrating, like
29:07
Speaker 1: you know, I've just popped out my baby and I'm
29:09
Speaker 1: oh my laptop and I'm hustling, and I'm not dissing
29:11
Speaker 1: them because I did it too, and I felt proud
29:13
Speaker 1: of myself. But also like that shouldn't be glamorized. You're
29:16
Speaker 1: doing it all because we're not wired and made your
29:19
Speaker 1: nervous system. You will burn out. You're not wired to
29:21
Speaker 1: do it all. It's too much, but it's celebrated in
29:24
Speaker 1: this Australian culture to do it all and to run
29:27
Speaker 1: the multimillion dollar business while you're raising children. And it's
29:30
Speaker 1: a lot. It's a lot of pressure. A lot of pressure.
29:33
Speaker 2: Yeah, even to like be on the laptop like a
29:35
Speaker 2: postpart it, I know, like rest your body.
29:38
Speaker 1: Girl, Like, oh my god, all of it. Yeah, I
29:42
Speaker 1: haven't had a lot of pressure. And then it's the
29:43
Speaker 1: side of the pressure women having to go back to
29:46
Speaker 1: work so soon. But DAK is so expensive, so expensive,
29:50
Speaker 1: like yeah, and I can't believe it. It's wild. Hay. God.
29:53
Speaker 1: I've got a girl friend at the moment who's pregnant,
29:54
Speaker 1: and she was telling me like the little time that
29:57
Speaker 1: she gets off and she will have to go back
29:58
Speaker 1: to work because she owns more than her partner. She's like,
30:01
Speaker 1: I don't want to go back to work, but I'm
30:03
Speaker 1: going to have to others. We can't pay our bills. Yeah,
30:06
Speaker 1: Like wow, I feel like the government needs to support
30:08
Speaker 1: women even just every woman should get a whole year
30:11
Speaker 1: off just to support connect, bond with their baby, be
30:14
Speaker 1: with their baby. It's so tough. So there's that side
30:17
Speaker 1: of things to the financial stress. Is maternity leave not paid? Yeah,
30:21
Speaker 1: it depends on where you work, Like I think you
30:23
Speaker 1: get like, oh, I didn't even know, it's like seven
30:25
Speaker 1: hundred dollars a week or something, okay from the government. Yeah,
30:27
Speaker 1: but it's only for a certain amount of time. And
30:30
Speaker 1: then some workplaces, like my girlfriend, her workplace is going
30:32
Speaker 1: to pay six weeks of full pay or twelve weeks
30:35
Speaker 1: of half pay, and then she'll go on to what
30:37
Speaker 1: the government pays. But what the government pays is like
30:39
Speaker 1: a quarter of what her salary is so crazy even
30:42
Speaker 1: six weeks. Yeah, that's not enough time. A lot of
30:45
Speaker 1: workplaces don't pay anything. The government just pays it, which
30:47
Speaker 1: is at like seven hundred all I think it's around
30:49
Speaker 1: seven hundred a week, which these days like doesn't cover rent.
30:52
Speaker 1: That's crazy, let alone nappies and no pillar and food
30:56
Speaker 1: pobular's expensive appointments. I buy that shit for.
30:58
Speaker 2: My sister sometimes when I go to Woolies though, like
31:00
Speaker 2: pop in or whatever, damn.
31:02
Speaker 1: Especially full good quality one. Yeah. Yeah, all those layers
31:06
Speaker 1: of the financial stresses as well.
31:08
Speaker 2: If you could speak to the woman who is, you know,
31:11
Speaker 2: right in the trenches and going through this like deep
31:13
Speaker 2: in motherhood and she's feeling lost and she doesn't fully
31:16
Speaker 2: know how to come back to herself, what's a piece
31:18
Speaker 2: of advice you would give for her?
31:21
Speaker 1: Good question. I think if that was a friend of mine,
31:25
Speaker 1: I'd probably go and take the baby for a couple hours,
31:27
Speaker 1: go and help more. But I think it would just be,
31:31
Speaker 1: like I said before, finding pockets of time to just
31:34
Speaker 1: fill your cup up, because if you're running on empty,
31:36
Speaker 1: you can't think or expand or change anything. You're literally
31:40
Speaker 1: in survival mode your moment by moment, and being a
31:43
Speaker 1: mum is a twenty four hour job. You go to
31:46
Speaker 1: work and then you go to bed and you sleep
31:47
Speaker 1: all night. For a mum and the newborn trenches night
31:50
Speaker 1: shift starts, yeah, you are up. Like Chassy at the
31:52
Speaker 1: moment is up every hour with her six months old. Wow,
31:56
Speaker 1: every hour. Wow, she's exhausted, no doubt. Yeah, far out.
32:02
Speaker 1: So I think if I was feeling that in the trenches,
32:05
Speaker 1: remind myself that everything is a phase in a season.
32:07
Speaker 1: I wish someone told me that when I had Taj.
32:10
Speaker 1: With Tala, I knew it was the season, so I
32:11
Speaker 1: didn't get too attached to it. Yeah, like, okay, this
32:13
Speaker 1: is a development stage. She's going to be like this
32:15
Speaker 1: for a couple of weeks. Contact my sleep teachers. Wow, okay,
32:19
Speaker 1: this age they're expected to go through this. Gross but cool,
32:21
Speaker 1: We're good. But with Taj, I was like, oh my god,
32:24
Speaker 1: is this what it's going to be like forever? And
32:25
Speaker 1: I would get stuck in that and it would just
32:27
Speaker 1: drag out. So just know that everything's a phase. Find
32:31
Speaker 1: the pockets of time for yourself. When your baby sleeps,
32:33
Speaker 1: even if they're sleeping on you, just like put a
32:35
Speaker 1: blanket over them and go sit down in the sun
32:36
Speaker 1: and get some sun on your face and your arms
32:38
Speaker 1: and just have some slow quiet time to just kind
32:41
Speaker 1: of recharge your battery because you're kind of running on
32:43
Speaker 1: the red most of the time. Yeah you're on eighteen percent,
32:46
Speaker 1: not on thirty six percent or more. No, you're on red.
32:50
Speaker 1: So just like go plug in with some sun and movement.
32:53
Speaker 1: Reach out for support, whether that's professional support or just
32:56
Speaker 1: through friends and family. And like I said, even if
32:58
Speaker 1: she just drop around to mum, sometimes it would just
33:00
Speaker 1: be enough to get me through that day, you know,
33:02
Speaker 1: get me through the afternoon of witching hour, and then
33:04
Speaker 1: I go home and up the night. It was enough
33:06
Speaker 1: to keep me going. And I wish I lent on
33:10
Speaker 1: gratitude a little bit more because I was so focused
33:12
Speaker 1: on everything that was hard that I think I missed
33:15
Speaker 1: so many of the potentially beautiful moments with taj And
33:18
Speaker 1: I really consciously did that with Tala, and I feel
33:22
Speaker 1: like I enjoyed probably ninety five percent of her whereas
33:25
Speaker 1: the Taje it was, I didn't enjoy much of it,
33:29
Speaker 1: so which I feel sad for that I didn't enjoy
33:31
Speaker 1: that with Taji, but grateful for all the lessons. And yeah,
33:35
Speaker 1: I think when you focus on gratitude, it just grows
33:38
Speaker 1: focus on the negativity. It expands what you focus on
33:41
Speaker 1: and what you feel it is going to amplify. So
33:44
Speaker 1: I think I really did it so differently with Tala's
33:46
Speaker 1: So if you can just try to soak in those
33:48
Speaker 1: beautiful moments, I think big on social media too, we're
33:51
Speaker 1: exposed to so many tragic things happening to babies and
33:53
Speaker 1: women who can't feel pregnant. I think I really lent
33:55
Speaker 1: on I'm so lucky there's babies here. I waited so
33:58
Speaker 1: long for her, eleven months I took before pregnant. I
34:01
Speaker 1: went through all that pregnant. Since she's here save for
34:03
Speaker 1: my arms, and even now and she like at the
34:05
Speaker 1: moment she's falling out of her bed and she wakes
34:07
Speaker 1: up screaming absolute horror because she's obviously got a fry.
34:10
Speaker 1: And I sit the other day and I'm like, it's
34:11
Speaker 1: just the best going in there. That would rattle me
34:14
Speaker 1: if it Targe. I go in there and she's scared,
34:15
Speaker 1: and she her eyes are just like ah, she's screaming,
34:18
Speaker 1: and I just like pick her up, pop her back
34:19
Speaker 1: in bed, cuddle her and just I'm like her pain relief.
34:23
Speaker 1: I instantly co suthe her, and I'm like, that is
34:25
Speaker 1: so fucking beautiful. I hope that never ends. I hope
34:28
Speaker 1: when she's still twenty she comes running to me and
34:30
Speaker 1: I can put my arms around her and say I've
34:32
Speaker 1: got you, and we can co regulate together, like it's
34:35
Speaker 1: so beautiful. Yes, I didn't have that knowledge and awareness
34:38
Speaker 1: with Tage, so with her, I did it so differently.
34:41
Speaker 1: I try and lean on that. I know it's hard
34:43
Speaker 1: when you're in the trenches, but there is still moments
34:45
Speaker 1: of gratitude and things that you'd be grateful for, Like
34:48
Speaker 1: you wanted this baby. You're so lucky to have them.
34:51
Speaker 1: Some people are not ever lucky enough to experience what
34:53
Speaker 1: we get to experience. And tomorrow's not promised, as we've learned.
34:58
Speaker 1: You know, it's like up every moment you can with them.
35:00
Speaker 1: It's so beautiful. Yeah, that's so so beautiful.
35:03
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for sharing all of that, answering
35:05
Speaker 2: all my read questions.
35:06
Speaker 1: I love it all right, guys, thanks for joining us.
35:09
Speaker 1: If you have anything else you'd like us to cover
35:11
Speaker 1: on motherhood, just pop it into our Facebook forum and
35:14
Speaker 1: we can talk about it. Sounds good. We'll see you
35:16
Speaker 1: on the next one. Bye bye.