Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Isn't Your Wife Down For A Quickie Anymore?

Transcript

Why Isn't Your Wife Down For A Quickie Anymore? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom, show.
• 0:08
  Today, we're going to talk about why your wife is not down to
• 0:12
  have a quickie anymore, and if you have been following me, as I
• 0:16
  hope you have, you will understand that women require
• 0:19
  foreplay to get turned on. But, you know, you may also
• 0:22
  think that she used to be, you know, ready to go all the time.
• 0:26
  And why isn't she anymore? Must because she hates you or
• 0:28
  something. No, no it is not and we will
• 0:31
  discuss. I mean she may hate you.
• 0:33
  I don't know but but that's Not going to be the primary reason
• 0:38
  and we will get to that. Just as soon as I tell you to
• 0:40
  subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode was on how
• 0:43
  often you should talk, because you actually do have to talk,
• 0:46
  not just have sex. So, you know, you you will not
• 0:50
  know how often people have close and connected conversations if
• 0:53
  you're not the sort of person that is into talking
• 0:55
  emotionally. So that's why I tried to help
• 0:57
  you with that. Particularly if you are a guy
• 1:00
  whose wife has said, we don't talk, we never talk.
• 1:03
  Why don't we talk of it? Tall.
• 1:05
  But talk so I'll help you to understand what that means and
• 1:10
  why she keeps saying it despite you talking to her quite
• 1:13
  frequently about logistical management of the home, and the
• 1:16
  finances and the budgets, and whatever else.
• 1:18
  Alright, so why is your wife not down for a quickie?
• 1:21
  Now, I'm going to assume your wife is somewhere between 35 and
• 1:24
  55 if not, whatever. I don't know why you're
• 1:28
  listening. If you, if you need to listen to
• 1:30
  me, I mean, after 55. Yes.
• 1:32
  But before 35 and he may be right.
• 1:35
  Children young so either way, most people that listen to me
• 1:39
  have wives who have had children already and they are really out
• 1:44
  of the honeymoon stage and squarely into the
• 1:46
  disillusionment face. As I described in my one of my
• 1:49
  previous podcasts about the honeymoon, stage post honeymoon
• 1:52
  stage, what does that look like for?
• 1:54
  Happy? Couples that one talk walks, you
• 1:55
  through the stages. But anyway, she used to be that
• 1:58
  you could just roll over and immediately penetrate her and no
• 2:02
  longer. Does she do that?
• 2:03
  Why many guys That it's because they just don't go to the gym
• 2:06
  enough. No, it has nothing to do with
• 2:10
  you. Nothing nothing to do with you.
• 2:12
  You could be like, so, like romantic and loving, and
• 2:17
  wonderful, and she's still not gonna be able to do that shit as
• 2:19
  she gets older. Why?
• 2:21
  Because she does not respond the way that she used to do you
• 2:24
  remember, when you were in Middle School?
• 2:26
  You would get an erection just out of nowhere.
• 2:28
  That's how women are too. Like they don't talk about it
• 2:31
  especially if they're not, you know, like really into talking
• 2:34
  about sex. But women that are young women
• 2:37
  in their 20s are going to get wed and easily penetrated.
• 2:41
  Just, you know, like, look at Luke Perry.
• 2:45
  I'm 90210 or what have you? I'm dating myself with that
• 2:48
  reference. But the point is like that
• 2:51
  doesn't happen anymore, and it doesn't happen at all.
• 2:54
  And so, when she's ovulating, so, this takes us back to some
• 2:57
  other podcast that y'all should already have listened to, like,
• 3:00
  what does arousal look like. And women an oral sex on women
• 3:04
  and the importance of four, And does your wife even enjoy sex
• 3:07
  and like, all of those. So a lot of guys assume as I've
• 3:11
  discussed many times that if the inside of the woman's vagina is
• 3:15
  not dry like dry like literally like a hand then she's turned
• 3:20
  on, not like a sweaty hand, like the other side of your hand, the
• 3:23
  back of your hand, but that's not true.
• 3:26
  Like they're like they're like obvious changes and how wet the
• 3:30
  woman gets over the course of the menstrual cycle and over the
• 3:32
  course of the arousal Arc. So when She's ovulating.
• 3:37
  Some women that use the Rhythm method and or or trying to get
• 3:40
  pregnant you like measure, you know, that's why can't I talk
• 3:46
  the day of ovulation they're trying to figure out the day of
• 3:49
  ovulation such that they can get pregnant that they're more
• 3:52
  likely to get pregnant. They learn that the vaginal
• 3:56
  secretions on the day of ovulation and leading up to
• 3:58
  ovulation, progressively, get more slippery and and like egg
• 4:02
  white and you can feel this. This is one of the ways that
• 4:04
  people Until they're ovulating is the mucus in the vagina gets
• 4:09
  different, right? It gets more slippery so that
• 4:12
  the sperm can go up, you know, and swim to the egg more easily
• 4:18
  and more liquid kind of environment, right?
• 4:21
  So that's going to happen when she ovulate.
• 4:23
  So if you think that she just gets really turned on when she
• 4:26
  ovulate, she does get more turned on but it's also
• 4:28
  literally to secretions are different when she ovulate
• 4:32
  because remember the entire point of why Thing happens ever
• 4:36
  with people is to procreate like evolutionarily.
• 4:39
  At least that is the reason. So yes she gets wetter when
• 4:43
  she's ovulating she also gets more easily turned on when she's
• 4:46
  ovulating because you know the wet is nothing if she doesn't
• 4:49
  want to have sex because then she can't get pregnant.
• 4:51
  The point is pregnancy evolutionarily again.
• 4:54
  So you got to understand that other times of the month.
• 4:58
  It's not like she's like dry. She's like a human being, it's a
• 5:02
  mucous membrane but she's not as wet.
• 5:05
  Can you get her as wet at other times of the month?
• 5:07
  Unless she is up to perimenopause which starts again
• 5:11
  in the 40s? Then yeah, you are.
• 5:13
  But it needs a lot of foreplay for her to get really wet.
• 5:17
  If you just try to put your penis in, it hurts, it hurts.
• 5:20
  Even though the inside of her feels to your, you know, casual
• 5:26
  untrained feel quote wet. It feels wet, but she can get a
• 5:31
  lot more wet. Is the point most of the I'm
• 5:35
  right unless you know, I don't even know what unless you were
• 5:38
  already doing a lot of foreplay but there's not a lot of women
• 5:41
  that are just going to look at you at all and get wet.
• 5:44
  But if they're, if they do exist, those women are in their
• 5:47
  20s. As I said, in your like, a new
• 5:49
  guy and they are, you know, really into you.
• 5:52
  It's honeymoon stage or you're like a brand new guy and they
• 5:55
  look at you and they do get wet, they do get turned on but that
• 5:58
  does not happen anymore. Just like usually just when you
• 6:01
  look at your wife you don't get hurt.
• 6:03
  Some of y'all, do your The younger end of my listeners and
• 6:07
  some of you don't and it doesn't mean that you're not attracted
• 6:10
  to her, you know, but just like watching her, like, do the
• 6:12
  laundry or whatever. Like, isn't going to turn you on
• 6:15
  the way when you were 25 watching her, like do anything
• 6:18
  turns you on physiologically you have turned on.
• 6:21
  So the point is, is that she can you can't just roll over and
• 6:25
  stick your dick into your wife, because it's gonna hurt, and
• 6:29
  it's gonna hurt because she's not wet, and it's also going to
• 6:32
  hurt because another aspect of arousal is, When blood flows
• 6:36
  into the vagina and it plumps up the labia.
• 6:39
  And it makes it like a welcoming environment so that you don't
• 6:42
  bruise her and hurt her, everything there gets more
• 6:46
  filled with blood. It's like an erection, you know,
• 6:48
  but you know a woman version and her clitoris is filled with
• 6:52
  blood and her labia are filled with blood and everything is
• 6:54
  filled with blood like how you know your penis is filled with
• 6:57
  blood when you have an erection. And so that also that plumpness
• 7:03
  combined with the wet, Is what allows her to not hurt when you
• 7:09
  have sex with her. So if you think that this is
• 7:12
  something related to that, your wife is just not fun and
• 7:16
  spontaneous. It's like, you know, for a
• 7:19
  woman. If you are, just penetrated,
• 7:21
  when you're not wet and you're not pumped up, you're not
• 7:23
  excited at all. It hurts.
• 7:26
  It hurts and the older you get the more it hurts because the
• 7:29
  more of that you need to get into it and the less it gets so
• 7:34
  like your 55 year-old direction is not going to feel like you're
• 7:37
  25 year-old Direction. Even if you try to convince
• 7:40
  yourself, that it does. It's just not the same erectile
• 7:43
  quality as they say in the research.
• 7:45
  So it's not as hard. And so she doesn't add a certain
• 7:49
  age, certainly post menopause. And usually starting in
• 7:52
  perimenopause, she just doesn't get as wet, she doesn't get as
• 7:56
  turned on as she used to when she was much younger.
• 7:59
  So then the same kind of pounding that you could have
• 8:02
  done when you were younger and she was younger that Hurts.
• 8:05
  Now, it hurts like hell. And so she doesn't want you to
• 8:09
  do it. And when she's alone with her
• 8:10
  own therapist and of course I am, the therapist in those
• 8:13
  situations frequently. She says that it hurts and
• 8:16
  you're shoving yourself into her.
• 8:18
  She thinks that you're an asshole because she doesn't
• 8:21
  understand how little, you know, about female biology, which is
• 8:24
  what I'm trying to remedy with this podcast.
• 8:26
  So I got a lot of smart guys that I work with, that know
• 8:29
  nothing about the female body. They assumed that the woman is
• 8:33
  not down to just Have the sex of choose to have the up against
• 8:38
  the wall kind of, you know, spontaneous sex because she's
• 8:43
  not turned on by them. They're not enough of an alpha,
• 8:46
  they didn't go to the gym as much as they should have.
• 8:48
  They didn't act in an assertive dominant way.
• 8:51
  That didn't run a dread game or what have you and it's they
• 8:56
  don't understand. It's not about them, it's about
• 8:58
  her and her body, there's no woman.
• 9:01
  Well there are. There there are some women that
• 9:03
  don't want to have sex either you know, Sex - and repressed,
• 9:06
  but if you had previously, a wife that was really down to
• 9:10
  have sex whenever wherever it was a lot of fun, and whatever.
• 9:13
  And now all of a sudden from your perspective, really was
• 9:16
  over the past 10-15 years, she no longer wants to do this, is
• 9:21
  because her body changed, she wants to be able to look at a
• 9:24
  hot guy and get wet and turned on right away.
• 9:27
  That's a fun thing. Just like it is to be able to
• 9:30
  have like, you know, three erections within, you know, two
• 9:33
  hours as a dude That's fun. It's fun to be young, and to
• 9:37
  have your body work at its Max Capacity for procreation, but
• 9:41
  you don't think of it as procreation just for fun.
• 9:43
  But that is what it's for its for.
• 9:45
  So that the young people who have the highest you know
• 9:49
  ability to get pregnant and pass on the you know they're there
• 9:54
  what's the word? It's not a zygote their
• 9:57
  chromosomes you know that they can do so because they can have
• 10:01
  all the sex they want. It's lots of fun and it's very
• 10:03
  gratifying for them. So they have More sex and then
• 10:06
  our species, you know, grows and grows, right?
• 10:09
  So the point here is women want to be able to do that women.
• 10:12
  Miss their ability to be able to be turned on by at the drop of a
• 10:16
  hat. So, if so many guys would be
• 10:19
  like, a woman would be a real asshole.
• 10:21
  If he was like, well, why are you so soft?
• 10:24
  Now? Why is your erection so much
• 10:25
  different? Now, used to be a lot different
• 10:27
  20 years ago. I'll tell you that what
• 10:29
  happened, but that is exactly what you are unintentionally
• 10:33
  doing when you Lane about your wife, not being able to do a
• 10:36
  quickie, she thinks, you know, because women don't know about
• 10:40
  what men know just like men. Don't know about what women,
• 10:43
  don't know, whatever. And why I do these podcasts, the
• 10:46
  woman thinks is so obvious that I'm not wet.
• 10:49
  It's so obvious. I'm not turned on.
• 10:50
  It's obvious, he's hurting me. You know, why is he doing this?
• 10:54
  You just such an asshole, right? But you don't know that you
• 10:57
  think she is kind of wet and you kind of don't necessarily
• 11:02
  remember like minute-to-minute what it was like before.
• 11:05
  Seems. Alright, certainly not dry and
• 11:08
  you know she doesn't really make that much noise at the best of
• 11:11
  times. So she's not saying our or
• 11:13
  anything. So like the guy doesn't know it
• 11:15
  hurt. She thinks he knows but somehow
• 11:18
  he's doing it anyway, you know. And so you see how that would go
• 11:23
  then. She thinks you're truly a
• 11:24
  tremendous sadist and asshole which a lot of women do.
• 11:27
  And then the man is like, but why don't you say it hurts or
• 11:30
  something? She's like, well, I thought that
• 11:31
  it's obvious if I'm not making any noise and he's like you
• 11:34
  don't ever fucking make it. Noise.
• 11:35
  So you haven't made any noise since like the 90s but they
• 11:38
  don't they're like, you know, they're they're missing each
• 11:41
  other, they're not understanding each other because nobody
• 11:43
  communicates. So what should you get out of
• 11:45
  this podcast? And from all my podcast, as you
• 11:48
  should talk about it, you should say how has your body changed,
• 11:52
  you know, in the past 10 years in terms of sex, why is it that
• 11:56
  you don't that you can't have cookies anymore?
• 11:57
  Does it hurt you? And then you should also lead
• 12:00
  with anything that makes you a sympathetic character.
• 12:03
  Like, I've noticed that My erections really aren't what
• 12:06
  they used to be all the time. Remember, I used to be able to
• 12:08
  get hard like you know five times in a weekend away and now
• 12:12
  I can't now it's twice or once or whatever three times, you
• 12:16
  know, don't use it as a bragging thing, you trying to do the
• 12:19
  opposite, you're trying to say or you can just talk about your
• 12:21
  body in general. Like man.
• 12:23
  Remember when I used to be able to, you know, like do whatever,
• 12:26
  whatever I used to do athletically, man, I'm not that
• 12:29
  person anymore. That sucks.
• 12:30
  You know, and then like is, do you notice any changes in
• 12:33
  yourself because Cuz I've noticed for example, that I
• 12:36
  don't, you know, get an erection as quick as I used to whatever
• 12:40
  it is. Women would so many women would
• 12:42
  just die of joy to hear their husband say anything that makes
• 12:48
  them seem like more of a part of the problem in bed because they
• 12:53
  are so used to being thought of as a problem, the low libido
• 12:56
  partner is the problem. Well, tell you, like a lot of
• 12:59
  those low libido partners are just women who are aging but
• 13:02
  they're combined with a man who is age.
• 13:05
  To. So like if they were with, you
• 13:07
  know, the man who's like 25 years old and his prime super
• 13:10
  hot body. Does erection seven times in an
• 13:13
  hour or whatever, then they would be a little more turned on
• 13:16
  to, you know, for real and it's bi-directional.
• 13:20
  So a lot of guys are like, my wife doesn't do anything,
• 13:22
  exciting in bed, but they don't do anything exciting and bed
• 13:24
  either. And the most success and they
• 13:25
  think that the doing excited that the thing they're doing
• 13:28
  exciting is asking her, hey, do you think maybe one day when
• 13:32
  it's not, you know, like, on the same night, As our daughters
• 13:35
  piano lesson that I could like use the sex toy on you.
• 13:39
  Um, and that's not exciting. So my point of this as well as
• 13:43
  all of my work in general is to say use some empathy and get
• 13:47
  some kind of humility about your own impact.
• 13:52
  So here it's saying that are you really being as empathic and
• 13:56
  well educated as you could be about the impact of aging on a
• 14:01
  woman's ability to become aroused and are you?
• 14:05
  In to remediate that change by an increased emphasis on
• 14:10
  massage, for play edging, whatever techniques you have to
• 14:15
  do to extend the encounter such that she is able to get wet or
• 14:19
  you using Lube, are you touching her every time with Lube?
• 14:22
  If you're touching her manually for some women as I discussed in
• 14:26
  the female arousal podcast, the lube kind of gets in the way?
• 14:29
  Because guys think oh cool. I got like a shortcut now.
• 14:32
  I got the lube so I can start touching her vagina.
• 14:35
  Like almost, as soon as we get into the bedroom and really
• 14:38
  expedite, this encounter the point of the lube is in no way
• 14:41
  for Expediting. So if your wife has any ability
• 14:46
  to still get wet naturally, then you should figure out how long
• 14:49
  that takes, because it may be a hell of a lot longer than you
• 14:51
  think. And of course, some women can't.
• 14:53
  And if you bring out move, they can't anymore because they're in
• 14:56
  Perry or menopause. And if you bring out Lube W,
• 14:58
  very relieved, honestly quite that you did something about
• 15:02
  what they thought was a problem that you both notice.
• 15:05
  As I'm saying, I know you may not even have noticed but I'm
• 15:08
  telling you is there. So point is women do not get wet
• 15:12
  the same way as that used to. It's the same thing as your
• 15:14
  erection quality of the wetness of the female arousal goes down
• 15:18
  in the same way as the quality of the male erection goes down.
• 15:21
  Also she doesn't get as literally erect as she used to
• 15:24
  like her clitoris or labia she doesn't get the same blood flow
• 15:26
  as she used to same. As you likely don't, there's no
• 15:29
  amount of like exercise or some shit that's going to like, fix
• 15:34
  the fact that human beings and All Creatures eventually die,
• 15:38
  you know. So like let's be reasonable
• 15:40
  sure. There could be some impact, some
• 15:43
  good impact of things like estrogen cream or or any other
• 15:47
  hormone replacement. But as I talked about some women
• 15:49
  don't want to try that in some women are all right, some women
• 15:52
  are just in there, you know, 40s instead of in their 20s.
• 15:55
  But they don't have a partner that acts like that.
• 15:58
  And if there was an increase in foreplay and an increase in
• 16:01
  understanding about female anatomy and arousal, then the
• 16:05
  Problem would be solved, you know?
• 16:07
  So try to go that route first before you talk about, including
• 16:11
  any substances hormones or anything because or sex toys or
• 16:16
  anything learn about her body, learn about what makes her work,
• 16:20
  learn about the impact of age and biology on anatomy and
• 16:23
  arousal. Because then she will truly see
• 16:26
  that you are trying to be a more attentive and empathic lover.
• 16:29
  And likely will feel a lot better about you.
• 16:32
  If you are trying really hard to Make her happy instead of just
• 16:37
  rolling over and penetrating her like you did when you guys were
• 16:40
  25 which just as I've said, really hammered at home, doesn't
• 16:44
  work anymore. Alright, I hope that this was at
• 16:47
  least one useful factoid for one person.
• 16:50
  Please join my Facebook group. If you like hanging out with me
• 16:53
  in this parasocial relationship and I'll talk to you soon.
• 16:56
  Bye, bye.