Latest / Real STRength with Sarah Draper / Introducing: Real STRength | #26
Transcript
- Sarah Draper: Those who step outside their comfort zone build a different kind of strength. Your state is contagious. Your nervous system sets the tone for the entire room, literally and figuratively, whatever room that is that you're in. A real strength leader will pause first am I reacting or responding right now? Your well-being as a leader is contagious. Your energy is contagious. Your attitudes are contagious. Welcome to the Real Strength Podcast, where we explore stories of resilience, performance, creating joy, and finding meaning in life. I'm your host, Sarah Draper, and I'm so glad you're here. This is Real Strength. Welcome to the Real Strength Podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Draper, and I'm so glad you're here. For more than 30 years, from the Army to the FBI, I served in environments in which the performance expectations were at times relentless. I've been around some extraordinary, truly extraordinary leaders and human beings. And I've found that even the best ones struggle when they only work in areas. They're already strong in. Now, those who step outside their comfort zone build a different kind of strength. And this allows them and others to thrive. I call that real strength, this other kind of strength. Real strength is a three-dimensional approach to resilience, performance, and well-being. It is three dimensions. First is state, that's how you are in the moment. Your physiology, how you're feeling. It's traits, it's who you're becoming, your qualities, and it's relate, why it all matters, the people, what gives you strength, what you work for or towards. And the most impactful leaders I've found have found their own path to all three. So this podcast is where leaders share what real strength has looked like in their lives. Through stories of resilience, performance, creating joy, and finding meaning in work and life. Each episode, you'll hear honest stories and practical tools you can use, whatever your path looks like. So today I'm introducing you to the Real Strength Framework and giving you a practical tool called the Strength Check that you can start using immediately. And by the end of this episode, You'll understand what state, trait, and relate mean in the real strength framework, why all three matter, and how to integrate them into what you're already doing. And the last part is really important. This is not about adding more to your already full life. It's about bringing all three dimensions into what you're already doing so that these amplify one another and support each other. So let's dive in. Why real strength? Well, I found that most wellness and leadership approaches are one-dimensional. They might focus on something like physical fitness or breath work or mental resilience or team connection. All are very important and valuable things, but they're rarely approached together. And when leaders only work on and develop in one dimension, You hit a ceiling. Real strength is three-dimensional, and it starts with you, and then it extends out from you to everyone you lead. So the three dimensions start with state. That state is how you are in the moment. This is your body and your physiology. It's your energy, your stress response, your sleep quality, your ability to regulate your nervous system. It's the foundation upon which everything else is built. When your state's strong, you show up calm, focused, and present. But when it's depleted, you're reactive, irritable, or running on fumes. We often miss this really important part, and that your state is contagious. So when you're regulated, your team feels safe. But when you're dysregulated, Your team feels threat. Your nervous system sets the tone for the entire room, literally and figuratively, whatever room that is that you're in, and by extension, the rooms that those people are in. Your nervous system as a leader sets that tone, whether you intend it to or not. The next is trait. This is who you're becoming. Trait is your mind and your mindsets, it's your beliefs. Your values, your cognitive flexibility, your character strengths. It's your ability to regulate your emotions and grow through challenges rather than trying to work around them. When your trait is strong, you think clearly, you adapt well, you lead with intention. But when it's not, you can find yourself stuck in old patterns, defensive or rigid. And the leadership impact to this is profound. Your trait determines your decision quality. Rigid thinking creates rigid cultures. Whereas a growth mindset creates a learning culture. And third is relate. Why this all matters, right? A lot of performance programs will focus on the first two. And that's great. But relate brings in the why. This is your connections and your purpose. It's your relationships with your team and your family. It's your alignment between your values and your actions, the psychological safety you're creating, the culture you're building, and your connection is something larger than yourself. It's how you receive your strength and how you give it. And when you relate as strong, you build trust, you create belonging and you inspire the people around you. But when it's not, you risk creating isolation, fear, or disconnection without even realizing it. The leadership impact of this is that your relate creates the culture, psychological safety, trust, purpose, they all flow from how you show up for others, as does your own internal ability to keep going through your challenges. All three matter. You can't just focus on one dimension, but that is our tendency. We go to where we're comfortable. So you go with what you already know and you keep doing that because it feels right and it feels good. Or you go to what someone else is counting or measuring in your world and in your environment. But there's a risk with only working in one dimension. So for example, if you're physically strong but mentally rigid, your thinking's gonna suffer. Now, if you're mentally sharp but relationally disconnected, your team is gonna suffer. And if you're purpose-driven but physically depleted from that work, you're gonna exhaust yourself trying to serve something that you might have lost the capacity to serve. So, real strength is about building all three dimensions for yourself and for the people you lead. So before we get into the string check, I'm going to show you what all three dimensions look like working together. Because understanding this framework is one thing, but feeling it truly is something altogether different. So here's an example. You have a difficult conversation coming up with a direct report. Maybe it's about performance. Maybe it's about a dynamic on the team that's been building for weeks. Regardless of what that conversation is, you've been there. You probably have this happening regularly. And most leaders will walk straight into that conversation from whatever they were just doing. Email, back-to-back meetings, phone call that ran too long. And when you do that, you're still carrying all of that stuff. So you're bringing all that stuff into this difficult conversation. Your nervous system, your attitudes, your frustration, your depletion, your whatever, you're bringing it with you. A real strength leader will pause first. They step outside for 10 minutes. That's state movement. If you step outside and go for a walk, that lowers your cortisol and shift your nervous system out of fight or flight before you even open your mouth. You don't have to go on a walk. Just stepping outside, getting into nature has a similar effect. While they walk, this real strength leader is gonna ask themselves. What kind of leader do I want to be in this conversation? What values do I want to lead with? That is trait work. That real strength leader is choosing who they're going to be instead of reacting from whatever stress came before that. And when they sit down with that person, they're present, they listen, they make eye contact. They create enough safety that the conversation can actually go somewhere. That's relate. So all three dimensions, starting with stepping outside, doing a walk, thinking, who do I want to be? What values do I want to lead with? And how do I want to be in this conversation? 10 minutes, one intentional choice to help you lead your best. So that's what real strength looks like in practice. When you bring all three together intentionally, I call that integrate. I mean, I've done it, it rhymes, so it it's memorable, right? State, trait, relate, integrate. When you integrate, you're not adding more to your already full plate. You're working in that place of overlap. Like think of these like a 3D Venn diagram, but one that's always moving and shifting, where they overlap. That's your place where they can amplify each other, support each other. That's where they work best. And that's exactly what the strength check is designed to help you build. So before we move into the strength check, I want to take a moment here and ask that if this framework's resonating with you, if you're even just a little bit curious as we're sitting here and you're listening to this and we want to go on, I want to ask if you would share it with another leader. Share this episode with another leader. Maybe someone you know is struggling with burnout. Maybe something's pulled them into survival mode. Maybe they're trying to build a healthier or more psychologically safe culture. If you're thinking of that person right now, just go ahead and send them a link and let you know that you thought of them. It could be exactly what they need to hear today. All right. So now we're going to talk about how you assess your real strength. And I've got this strength check that I've created that's just a simple Ongoing assessment you can use. Because now that you have a feel for what real strength looks like working in state, trait, and relate, especially those places of overlap. And we give you a practical way to assess and build it consistently. The strength check has two uses. One is an in-the-moment use. It's like a 30-second reset when stress spikes or before a high-six conversation. As well as the other is this ongoing practice, a regular cadence you can keep to help you stay grounded and prevent long-term drift. So that in the moment, 30-second reset. You can use this before a difficult conversation, when you notice stress arising in your body during transitions from one meeting to the next, or before you walk in the door to your house after a rough day. Or when you feel disconnected or reactive. Practice is very simple. Pause for 30 seconds and you're going to ask these questions and choose one shift. You're just going to choose one thing and do it immediately. So the questions are this on the state side, how does my body feel right now? Just check in on your body. On the trait, am I reacting or responding right now? Right, meaning, are you being intentional? And on relay, how am I showing up for others right now? So that's it. We're gonna ask those three questions, and then you're gonna choose one shift, one little shift can make a profound difference, or it might just be a little difference, but it is gonna be a difference. So, some of the things you can do is if you notice you're carrying tension in your body somewhere, how does my body feel right now? You get to that state question, and you're like, ⁓ I feel tight, I feel fatigued, I feel stressed. Some of those quick shifts you can do. Three big deep breaths, belly up, exhale down from the top, all the way down, three times over. Or maybe you stand and stretch up, or you roll your shoulders back and down a couple times. It just feels so good, right? Drink some water, step outside into the sun. Adjust your posture again. Maybe it's your legs that are tight. Just do something. A couple air squats, anything to have a slight physical shift. That is one thing you can do. And one thing is better than no things. So if that's what you have time for, and that's where you're noticing the tension, do it. Next is if you realize with that trait question, am I responding or reacting right now? Right? Notice whether you're operating from stress and survival mode, that's the reaction side. Or if you're choosing to act with intention and clarity, that's a responding side. Notice whether you're aligned with who you want to be. And then think hey, what's one quality I want to bring to this moment? If you've just walked in the door from a crazy day and you've got young people in the house running at you and you're just feeling a little less than like full-on mama or papa bear hugs with them. Just hey, I noticed this. What's one quality I want to bring to this moment? And then conjure up that quality. You could name an emotion. I want to feel joy. I want to feel relief. I want to feel just complete embrace, whatever it is. Name something. Name something out loud. It helps set your intention. If you're feeling something negative, name that. I am feeling this. Just it takes some of the power out of it and then name what you want to replace it with. I'm feeling tired. I'm feeling worn out. I'm feeling ⁓ frustrated. Name that. Then and I want to feel some joy, some light, some peace, some gratefulness that I'm home, whatever it is. You can take the energy out of the negative emotion and bring in that attention by naming how you want to be. Patience, calm, courage, presence, whatever it is, you're going to embody that. You can take a deep breath, three if you've got time, but oftentimes we don't have time for three. Just one deep breath. I'm here. Right? And then the last one, as you can see, there's overlap here, right? How am I showing up for others right now? You can notice when you're present and connected or distracted and withdrawn. Notice when you're leading with empathy or defensiveness. And then you can ask yourself, hey, with that relay question, how am I showing up for others right now? Okay, I noticed this. What's one way I can strengthen connection in this moment? Just one thing. I can put down my phone. I can ask someone, how are you doing with this? And really listen. I can really listen and not even worry about what I'm going to say next, which is a really hard thing. Just truly listen to what they're saying and not worry about how I'm going to respond to it. That will help you build that connection. So you probably notice as I was going through the three of these, is there's an absolute overlap because we live lives as whole people. We are whole beings. mind, body, spirit, relationships, all of it. So your state and your traits and how you relate to others, they all help each other. And paying attention to an area that is feeling a little off and making one choice is gonna benefit the other. So that second example I gave was about traits, right? How you're feeling when you the example was coming in the door, coming home after a frustrating experience or a long day or a tiresome thing. And those little people come running at you and they want you and they're excited to see you, right? Am I reacting or responding? Am I get about ready to say, ⁓ I gotta get my stuff off? Or am I responding, being intentional? That takes it into the relate thing. So all of these really, really do connect and support each other. Okay, so that's like a quick 30-second string check. Those three questions I review them real fast. How does my body feel right now? Am I reacting or responding? And how am I showing up for others right now, in the moment? One shift, shoulders back and down, big breath. Just replace a negative, name a negative emotion and replace it with how you want to be. Just do one thing in that moment and you will be better in the moment that follows. So will the people that you're interacting with. Okay, the next way to use a string check is building your ongoing rhythm. So part of this, again, we just went through the in the moment stuff. The second piece is how you increase your capacity, how you build yourself, how you grow, how you strengthen your relationships and all parts of your strength. So this is the second piece. And daily, I recommend a daily state check, just every day. It's very simple. It's very easy to do. Just check in with your state every day. Try to do it at the same time each day, but it doesn't really matter. You're going to start to see some patterns, right? If you're paying attention, how am I feeling right now? And then what can I do to shift if needed? Hey, do I feel energized and grounded? Or do I feel depleted and stressed and disconnected? And then do one thing to shift it. That's it. Just every day. A state check. How am I doing right now? If I'm tired. And I'm about to go get some simple carbs or another cup of coffee in the afternoon. Could I do some movement instead or get outside and see some sunlight? Can I do something to shift it? So that's the state check. Every day, just do a state check. You will, if you do this long enough, couple weeks, you're gonna start to see your own patterns. Maybe you'll recognize you're depleted at a certain time of day. Maybe you'll realize you feel your best. If you've been hydrating well the day before, you're if you pay attention to this every day, a state check, you're going to start to see some patterns. If you want to use a wearable device and track these, these are the tracking tools these devices often have. They're very, very valuable for tracking both the physiological but also some of these relational practices too. Try those out. But pay attention to your responses over a couple weeks and start to. Be interesting to see what you uncover. Okay, the next. So stay checked daily. Traits, I recommend weekly, at least. Weekly is a good gauge. These things take longer to shift. These take a lot of intention and repetition and bravery to change your traits, but you want to be intentional with it. So weekly, what am I doing to become the person I want to be? Every week, hey, what am I doing, or what have I done this week to become the person I want to be? Did I practice gratitude, some meditation, journaling? Did I show up with intention in those difficult times? Did I grow in any patience and courage? Did my actions align with my values or who I want to become? Right? So this is the bigger picture of that. Deeper trade work once a week. Just do that reflection. What am I doing to become the person I want to be? And then you can think about okay, what might I want to add in? Maybe I do want to begin a gratitude practice if I've not done that before. Or do some EFT emotional freedom techniques, some tapping or therapy or starting journaling, tracking moods. Any of this. That's the weekly trait check. And then finally, we've got the relay check. Bi-weeklies, great, monthlies, the least frequently I recommend you do a relay check. This is about aligning with your why. Are my actions aligning with my purpose and values? Where am I getting my strength from? Where am I giving my strength to? Did I invest meaningfully in my key relationships? Did I communicate with others with clarity and empathy? Did I make decisions, those decisions again aligned with those values? Did I contribute to something bigger than myself? So that relate practice is every couple weeks to every month at a minimum. This is the why. This takes this work outside of your performance. And really, as a leader and as a human, takes this to others. And then we integrate these. This is the key. Again, this is a lot. I mean, you're probably all sitting here thinking, man, this is a lot. I my life is already full. How in the world am I going to be putting all these new things in? That is Not what this real strength framework does. It's not about jamming more into the already full life or squeezing more out of yourself with others. The power of this is in that overlap. When you bring state, traits, and relate to something you're already doing, they truly, truly, truly do amplify each other. And this is that integrate piece. And I the way I think of this is. Think strength. So if you're doing something already, just think strength. How can I bring something from another dimension into this? So for example, say you already have a family practice or a spiritual practice. Those are under relate. Think strength and maybe take that practice outdoors for those state benefits. Just the same thing you're doing, same amount of time, different location. You're gonna bring in Some additional benefits. You've got the overlap now of state and relate. Or if you exercise, right, that's state. Think strength. And when you cool down, take a few minutes to bring in some trait work, maybe some meditation while you cool down. Or if you need to have a difficult conversation that's under relay, think strength. And and go back to your character strengths or values before you begin. That's trait. Remind yourself of who you are at your best. And then maybe even think of something you're grateful for about that other person before you begin that conversation, because you're going to carry that trait, that trait work of those values and that gratitude into that conversation. And you're going to strengthen your relationship with that person. And you're going to have a more productive or fulfilling or deeper conversation. So some integrations that work really well is you could go out walking with a colleague, future walking. You could do state, that's walking outdoors, plus trait working on something, talking about something for the future and relate. That's with a colleague. You could do a gratitude practice outdoors that's state and trait work. Or you could do breath work before a difficult conversation that's state and relate. So whenever you're doing something to better yourself with intention, whether it's exercise, whether it's focusing on sleep, whether it's working on who you want to become, whether it's reaching out to someone else, any of those things that you're intentionally doing, just pause and think strength. Think, ⁓ is there a way I can bring something else from a different dimension into this to really support and amplify this? And then you'll end up stop managing the three separate dimensions, and you will really truly start living from all three at once. So as we get ready to wrap up here, I want to emphasize and close with this. Your well-being as a leader is contagious. Your energy is contagious. Your attitudes are contagious. If you are depleted, reacted, disconnected. Your team, your family, they feel it. When you're strategic and purpose-driven, value-based, your team thrives. So when you build real strength in your state, trait, and relay, the impact extends far beyond your own performance and well-being. You can create a culture where other people can also be and do their best. That's the leadership multiplier most people don't talk about. And that's what this is about. So every week on this podcast, I'll share practical tools and frameworks to help you design how you lead and live with intention. Some episodes will be solo deep dives into a specific dimension and practical tools. Others will feature leaders who've gotten off track and have they found their way back. Or have had to weather a lot of storms along the way and stayed true to their values. They're gonna share how they've done that. You'll hear their stories, you'll hear their insights, you'll hear crucibles, you'll hear struggles, you'll hear the specific practices that have helped them stay true to who they are or get back on course when they've pulled been pulled off. You're gonna hear these honest stories of resilience, performance. Creating joy and finding meaning in life. So our next episode is going to be a deep dive into resilience. I think this is one of the most misunderstood dimensions of leadership strength or human strength overall. Let me redo that part. Our next episode is going to be a deep dive into resilience, which I believe is a very misunderstood dimension. Of human and leader strength. So this week, I want you to do the strength check. There's two types. Again, you've got that first like 30-second check-in when you're transitioning from one thing to next or preparing for something. Think, how am I feeling right now? How's my body, my physiology, my nervous system? How am I feeling right now? Who am I showing up as? And why does this matter? And then shift one thing. And then separately do the ongoing strength check. Every day, check in on your state. Ask those same questions. How do I feel right now? And then what's something I can do today to shift it? Sometime this week, think about your traits. What am I doing to become the person I want to be? And finally relate. Why does it matter to me? What am I doing? For the people and the things outside of me. How do I give to them and how do I draw from them when I need? That is state, trait, and relate. So thank you for joining me. I am Sarah Draper. And until we talk next time, keep building the life you're working for with real strength.