Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why To Talk About Exes!

Transcript

Why To Talk About Exes! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show, I love that everybody is subscribing.
• 0:12
  So please keep it going. If you're listening to this and
• 0:16
  you like my content at all and you've made it to this episode,
• 0:20
  which is, I think the 70th episode then now is the time to
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  press. Subscribe, on click, the link.
• 0:28
  That is in the description of the episode.
• 0:30
  And then you have access to all my bonus episodes.
• 0:35
  So what I want to talk about today is something
• 0:37
  controversial, which everything I say is, controversial to
• 0:41
  somebody. But this one, it's so
• 0:44
  interesting because people that are really open-minded and other
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  areas there were doing all my stuff about sex.
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  This one I say and they're like, oh no, the buck stops here and
• 0:54
  this is a topic of why to talk about exes.
• 0:58
  Now, I think it's very important that people understand one
• 1:01
  another fully and unless you are Are a virgin that was raised in
• 1:06
  a cave prior to dating your spouse.
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  You likely had some form of previous relationships, romantic
• 1:14
  and or sexual. And I believe that it's very
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  important for couples to understand one another on a deep
• 1:23
  level and what could be deeper after.
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  Of course, the family of origin, then understanding somebody's
• 1:29
  prior experiences in the arena that you are actually in with
• 1:34
  them. The relationship.
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  So frequently I will work with couples and they don't know how
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  many people each other's slept with.
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  They don't know sexual things that they did before.
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  They don't know what worked and what didn't romantically, they
• 1:49
  don't know how communication went and it's because they say
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  they don't want to know. This is so foolish.
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  I mean, you're spending your money, your hard earned money.
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  And I'm not cheap in my session and you don't even know.
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  The basic history about one another now I mean I don't say
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  that. Usually I mean sometimes I do of
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  the people have the sense of, you know, humor then I will
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  Express more of my surprise and I'll say why not you know, I
• 2:19
  mean this is such important data and could you imagine for my
• 2:23
  parent listeners? Let's say you have a child and
• 2:26
  you're getting them a new nanny, right?
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  Or babysitter. They've been the the woman comes
• 2:31
  in and she says So, tell me about your son.
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  You sounds like 18 months old, you say, well, you know, he's
• 2:41
  very sweet little boy and, you know, the previous Nanny, put
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  him to sleep, but to and she interrupts and she says, I
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  didn't come here to be disrespected.
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  Don't tell me about what he did with anybody else.
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  We're having a new relationship right now.
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  I don't know why that bullshit is even on the table of
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  discussion. What do I care?
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  Care. When that bitch, put your son
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  down to take a nap, I am my own person and he's going to respond
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  differently to me. You'll get that lunatic out of
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  your house, right away, right? And why?
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  Because in addition to not knowing not to curse during the
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  job interview, for a nanny position of an 18-month old, you
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  know, a mistake that I might make myself.
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  So, I have empathy for that. She's a fool, right?
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  Because the best way to learn about what your son wants is to
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  see what already works. With him and what didn't.
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  So had she not interrupted you, she could have gotten a lot of
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  data, your son likes to go to take his nap at 2 p.m. but you
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  know, when she would try to take him outside when it was too
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  cold, he didn't like it. And she did make him mac and
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  cheese, which he liked, but quite honestly, you would really
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  have some more fruits and vegetables.
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  And so maybe she could focus on that and maybe she could, you
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  know, sing some more songs with him because the other one was a
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  mute or whatever the case may be, but only by these sorts of
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  comparisons and And contrast can you really figure out what works
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  the best for your toddler in this situation?
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  Now how is it really any different?
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  I have belabor the point that healthy marriage has many
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  elements of re parenting which means that both people are being
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  real parented parented cared for in a new way that they never
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  got. Which Echoes some of the old way
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  that they were already parents in their family of origin, but
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  hopefully it fills in the gaps. So we'll have these
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  conversations in couples counseling.
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  We're allowed to talk about every single thing that happened
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  till the person's like 18 years old and then all of a sudden we
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  can only talk about the part that have nothing to do with sex
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  or romance and then we skip to when they met when they were 27,
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  what happened? Where's the lost?
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  Eight years? Nine years psychology is a soft
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  science. Nine years there.
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  Why is that? Not something that we could talk
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  about? What is an 18 year, olds main
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  Pursuit? Shoot hooking up with the
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  opposite sex or hoping to or hoping to attract somebody one
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  day or being excited about the relationship.
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  They're in or having fights with the relationship, they're in or
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  figuring sex out, or not figuring sex out or whatever.
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  Why is all this data? Not allowed to be discussed when
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  it is so relevant. And in case you think, okay,
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  that sounds good. Theoretically, but when it
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  happens in real time, I bet what happens is that, the man says,
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  well before you Had wonderful sex with everybody.
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  My ex used to give me upside-down blowjobs swinging
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  from a trapeze. Also, she was a size zero.
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  She had huge boobs and you know what?
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  Honestly know that I'm talking about it, I'm leaving and
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  because I found her on Facebook during this conversation, that
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  doesn't happen, right? That does not happen.
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  What usually happens is that the woman said something like yeah,
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  I didn't really ever like to give blowjobs and now not even
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  to the guy. I was with when I was 18 and the
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  man is like, holy shit. Wow, it's not just me.
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  And she's like, no, it really would never was.
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  And, you know, when I would do it, I really didn't like it
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  either so and he's like, wow, this changes everything here.
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  I was thinking that you were like, you know, this wonderfully
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  adventurous sexual entity before me and now I see that you were
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  boring all along. I feel a lot better quite
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  honestly and we can begin to explore some of these new things
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  ourselves right. Or Man says no that girlfriend
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  that my mother always says I should have married when we're
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  together at Thanksgiving in reality.
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  Yeah, it was nice but she really didn't challenge me.
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  We did have sex when she never really did much to write home
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  about. Except you know what was nice.
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  She really looked up to me and sometimes I kind of missed that
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  she was not as smart as me and she looked up to me and you I
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  like because you're smart but I did really like that part of
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  that relationship. I mean if you can't handle
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  Handle hearing that after X amount of years of marriage that
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  your partner might prefer something that an ex did
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  including being nice to them. That I mean we you really
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  probably need to focus on Shoring up your own self-worth
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  and confidence and individual sessions because not much,
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  you're going to get done in couples counseling.
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  If one, or both partners are too fragile to hear that a person
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  ever had a smile on their face with an X and for what reason.
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  So the reason to to On this a reason to understand your ex
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  your spouse's relationship with the exes.
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  It's so that you can build a working model of what works and
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  doesn't work and what is you and what is not you, you know,
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  because people have these distorted images.
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  And if they have low self-esteem, they think that
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  every other relationship that the person had before them was
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  better, which makes no sense. Because then why would they be
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  married? Now, right?
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  But, and that everything that every X did was better.
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  They were all hotter, they were rules.
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  Smarter they were all whatever man thinks they all had huge
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  penises, it hearing about the realities and most compellingly,
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  the overlap between any problems that you have currently in the
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  marriage and with other partners not only can this, help your
• 8:21
  spouse understand you. But by discovering and
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  verbalizing, these patterns allowed, you yourself can
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  understand yourself a lot better.
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  You could start to be like, wow. I kind of never felt like,
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  anybody gave me enough attention, it started when I was
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  14, I was dating my high school boyfriend, we had fights over
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  it. And I went all the way to my
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  ex-husband and now I'm seeing in my second.
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  Marriage is happening with you, right?
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  And that is very interesting and it's something that if you're
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  never allowed to even think about exes because your partner
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  never wants to hear about them and you know it's this you know
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  Dead Zone then you're not even going to think deeply about
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  things that are that that makes so much.
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  Each sense out of your own story and can help you to be a better
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  partner or sometimes, I'll say two men.
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  So did every woman have trouble with you being expressive
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  they're like, well, I mean, what do you mean I'll say, did they
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  say why don't you talk? Did they say, why aren't we
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  engaging? Oh yeah, yeah.
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  Oh sure, that happened all the time.
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  I really happened with every woman, this could be very
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  eye-opening for the partner that thinks it must just be them
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  because stupidly You know, not realizing in the moment that
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  they themselves don't talk about exes because that isn't the
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  culture of the relationship. But they would say, well shit,
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  you know, if he was having all these problems with its previous
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  Partners to wouldn't have mentioned it at some point when
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  I have the same exact problem, certainly not.
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  If the culture of the relationship is such that it is
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  a definite No-No to ever mention an X.
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  So then, the guy doesn't even really think about it and you
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  don't think about it and and nobody thinks about it.
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  And then It's this crazy, you know, the three monkeys with the
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  hands over the eyes ears and mouth.
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  This is not what you want your relationship to be and that does
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  not help you grow as a couple. Now, what if it is a situation
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  where it turns out that the thing that your spouse always
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  wanted, they had with an ex? Does it make it better that you
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  didn't know? I mean, certainly no.
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  So let's say that, you know, the X was, you know, Dallas Cowboys
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  Cheerleader. That was giving upside down.
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  Jobs. Let's say she was well.
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  He knew already, he remembered it already.
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  Guess what? And now that you know that can
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  really make you think about some things differently, maybe it's
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  shit. I guess I got a up my game in
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  the sack. Maybe it is.
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  I have been realizing as I've been closer to mid life that I
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  may be asexual and realizing that this is what this man wants
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  is really is the final factor in making Making me say, I do not
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  think that we are ultimately compatible.
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  I mean, we don't really know what we do know is that in
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  relationships. As in science, people should not
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  shy away from data, data is always good.
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  It is always helpful, nobody shows up to parent-teacher
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  conference in their kid and they say, to the teacher, listen,
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  please don't tell me anything. I don't want to know, I'm just
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  going to say, is he a good boy? And you're going to say, yes.
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  And then we're back. Smile.
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  And I'm going to walk out because I can't handle knowing
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  anything bad. No certainly not the parents of
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  today, right? Parents have today are like,
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  here's my Excel spreadsheet. I'm going to ask about all of
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  these developmental Milestones. You're going to answer me right
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  now. I don't care who's waiting.
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  So we want to know and to deeply understand our partners if we
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  want to have a close relationship now with.
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  So ironic is post infidelity going to be actually doing some
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  continuing education. I'm going to be presenting
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  continuing education on infidelity recovery from
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  infidelity. So if you're a therapist you may
• 12:09
  want to take that I will link to it on my social media when it
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  happens but when you are recovering from infidelity
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  Esther perel wrote this book State of Affairs, and she talks
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  about it can't be the same old marriage, it's got to be
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  marriage 2.0, and you got to understand and this is not just
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  a serpro. Everybody who writes about
• 12:29
  infidelity or worked with infidelity knows, you got to
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  really understand a Act why the affair happen and then you can
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  really understand each other on a whole new dimension and if you
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  stay together, your marriage will be stronger.
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  You will know each other on a deep more authentic level than
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  previously. Well, why one huge reason is
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  because guess what, we're talking about exes, we're
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  talking about the affair partner and the affair and the same
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  person that says not want to know anything about you or your
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  boyfriend that you dated for eight years before you met me.
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  As soon as that woman goes has like a Nightstand that guy is
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  going to want to watch the videotape of it.
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  He's gonna want every detail of it.
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  Why? Because it's such input fields
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  to him in that moment like such important data that could that
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  could help him understand why the woman cheated.
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  He's gonna want to every single little part of that interaction,
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  right? But think about it for people
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  that do not have infidelity. There is all that data on what
• 13:32
  your partner really likes and doesn't Like and what and what
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  their patterns are, it's just in their relationship history that
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  for some superstitious reason you feel like, knowing about it,
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  will Poison the, Well of your relationship in fact, in
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  practice, I see exactly the opposite, the more that you
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  discuss these things, the more that they are no longer a sacred
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  cow, that cannot be discussed, the more people really
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  understand and empathize with one another on a deep level.
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  And even it bolsters up there, their friendship.
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  Hip and they're, they're kind of remembering that they are
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  separate people with separate histories and interesting things
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  about each other that they, you know, I've never shared, it's
• 14:17
  very rare. It's get novelty in a long-term
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  marriage and people should really grasp, you know, greedily
• 14:24
  at any little bit of novelty that they could potentially get.
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  In terms of new Intel about the same old spouse.
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  In fact, hearing about X's and the people who are in the, No,
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  No, I could never listen to this Camp.
• 14:39
  Don't think this is true. But hearing about things
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  sexually that a partner did with x's can frequently be erotic
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  because you're thinking about them as a stranger.
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  And as I've said, so many times with in monogamy woman's sex
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  drive dies on the vine and the idea of a new person is very
• 14:58
  erotic. In fact, infidelity research
• 15:03
  that I was reviewing prior to, you know, my presentation that I
• 15:08
  told you about that's going to come up at some point.
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  The so sex research shows that women say that they are not
• 15:16
  aroused by the thought of being with a stranger.
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  But in these studies, they hook women up, two electrodes,
• 15:23
  including in their vagina. So that's a visual for you and
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  they measure the lubrication and the orgasmic contractions and
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  whatever. When they say different things,
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  or when the woman views, Things to see if she's lying.
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  No it's not just to see if she's lying.
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  It's to see what turns on women. This is a whole field of
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  research and if you went into accounting instead of that I
• 15:44
  guess you feel pretty stupid. If you're a man listening to
• 15:46
  this. So basically women say they'll
• 15:50
  ask, oh, does this turn you on? And they'll say different things
• 15:54
  and then it's sex with a stranger, and the woman will
• 15:56
  say, no. But her vagina says, yes because
• 16:00
  they're recording the, you know, arousal level of the woman to
• 16:04
  the Idea and sheets turned on, obviously, because as I say over
• 16:08
  and over for the genetic diversity of the species, when
• 16:11
  women ovulate, ideally, they would sleep with a new guy every
• 16:13
  time, but our culture and monogamous Society does not
• 16:17
  allow that in order to most women objectively want that.
• 16:22
  So, if you think about your partner, if you think about your
• 16:25
  same old husband, is this guy, who is doing this kinky shit
• 16:28
  with an ex-girlfriend, it can make two things happen, a, it'll
• 16:33
  activate a mate guarding Impulse, you know, such that
• 16:36
  you're like, wow, somebody used to do that with him while I
• 16:39
  guess he is not looking that fat and bald.
• 16:43
  After all, I guess maybe he could maybe potentially do that
• 16:46
  again with somebody. If I don't watch out and be he
• 16:49
  just seems different to you. You're like, wow, never knew
• 16:53
  that didn't know. He had it in him so that could
• 16:56
  also make you feel good and on the mail and so many men have a
• 17:00
  hot wife fantasy irrespective of whether they want to execute on
• 17:03
  that. That it is.
• 17:05
  That's a very, very common male fantasies the idea of your wife
• 17:10
  with another man and this is kind of like doing it without
• 17:12
  doing it, hearing about things that happen and on the other
• 17:16
  side where it doesn't get so erotic.
• 17:18
  We're actually what somebody is sharing is things kind of sucked
• 17:22
  before you and I was always insecure about it and you know,
• 17:25
  I never really liked this or that that is such important
• 17:29
  information that can make sense of like everything that's going
• 17:33
  wrong in your Live and make it that it's not about you, but
• 17:37
  about long-standing issues that this person already had, which
• 17:40
  will then obviously increase your empathy and your feelings
• 17:44
  of warmth and tenderness toward them because then their sex
• 17:47
  issues' aren't your fault. It's like proven in this single
• 17:50
  case, design experiment. All right, so hopefully I gave
• 17:54
  you food for thought and if you listen to this podcast with your
• 17:57
  partner, maybe it'll spark some interesting discussions in a
• 18:00
  realm that you didn't ever have before, because all in,
• 18:04
  Information is good information when you're trying to have a
• 18:07
  deep and genuine connection with your partner.
• 18:09
  This is the most deep level of authenticity is opening yourself
• 18:14
  up vulnerably in warts and all, you know, to a partner and if
• 18:21
  people want like, for just, as a last point, if people say, so
• 18:27
  let's say, a man says, oh God my wife never tells me about any
• 18:29
  sexual fantasy. She's so boring and then that
• 18:32
  same man. Has never inquired nor does he
• 18:36
  feel comfortable hearing about any sex she ever had before him?
• 18:40
  Well, shit, how is she going to feel comfortable opening herself
• 18:44
  up to you in the realm of sexual fantasies?
• 18:46
  When you can't even hear that? She for sure has ever seen
• 18:49
  another penis like that. Does not really assuage her
• 18:54
  insecurities about you potentially being very
• 18:56
  close-minded, judgmental or turned off.
• 18:59
  So, take that and think about it.
• 19:02
  And thanks for listening everybody.
• 19:04
  And please. Again, subscribe and I will talk
• 19:07
  to you all soon. Bye.