Latest / Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour / Children Living in the Shadow of Addiction. Episode 6. Breaking The Shadow Cycle

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Children Living in the Shadow of Addiction. Episode 6. Breaking The Shadow Cycle · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist, and this is the final episode in the series Children Who Live in the Shadows of Addiction.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Every family has a story, but sometimes the most important parts of that story remain unspoken for many years.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in this final episode, I want to explore how the patterns created by addiction can be understood, interrupted, and changed.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as a forerunner, I just want to say something about my experience of working with people for whom this is relevant.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And anybody who has had any kind of experience with someone who is suffering from addiction knows that the recovery process is long and it's precarious.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: It very often begins as a consequence of crisis, which confronts the addicted person with the reality of their difficulties and the consequences.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people have to crash before they can recover.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And very often the damage that they've done in the process to others will take a very long time to repair.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And whilst the onlookers can see the need for intervention, it's not until the person suffering is prepared to engage in recovery that the work can begin.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody will engage in rehabilitation.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not everybody will go to Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But there comes a point when the individual is confronted by the reality of their behaviors and what underpins them.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it may be a series of injuries whilst intoxicated, criminal acts which involve the police and then the courts, deteriorating mental health, which is underpinned by the addictive substance.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or it could be the involvement of the social care system because children are deemed to be at risk.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: And even then, this doesn't automatically result in acceptance of the illness and the treatments that can be provided for it.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have seen so many families deeply affected.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: And whilst I understand and appreciate the suffering of those who have the addictive difficulties, my ethical responsibility lies in the care of those who are often the powerless recipients.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I've had experiences in the consulting room where somebody who clearly has an unaccepted addiction, I mean not accepted by themselves, where have witnessed on countless occasions the distorted reality through which they see themselves and others around them.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: They will minimize the concerns of others, they will rationalise their own behaviors and quite typically will externalize the responsibility for their actions.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I hear this version of reality and then I counter it with my own.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'll ask very probing questions, and I'll challenge and confront those behaviors and explanations which simply don't make sense or which fail to recognize the effect upon others, particularly children.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is called reality confrontation, the action of holding up a mirror to another person and showing them what you see.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't engage in yes but.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Part of any recovery process has to do with taking responsibility and acknowledging that what you did affected others.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a sense, I begin that process by confronting them with the reality.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Most people I've done that with, because the consequences can be so serious, seem to have had something of a shift.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't work exclusively, or if I do work with families where addiction is present, I won't be the one providing treatment.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be the signposting clinician.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: So far I've seen a lot of change and a lot of benefit.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not always that.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if things were different.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: If the evenings were calm, if I if I didn't hear things breaking, if people shouting, if they just talked normally, and if I didn't have to watch everything all the time.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think families can be perfect.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think we just want to know that the grown-ups are okay.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: The effects of addiction often travel across generations.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Children adapt to instability, they develop roles that help them survive, and those adaptations shape the change and the relationships they later create.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Research shows that children raised in addicted families are significantly more likely to struggle with mental health difficulties and substance misuse themselves.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: But these patterns are not inevitable.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: In some ways, what we have to do, and this is a central theme in all of my work, is to identify trajectories.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Where is this going?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Where is it being?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: How did it get here?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Where is it likely to go next?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not next month or next year, three years, five years, seven years into adulthood.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: What is the trajectory?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And most often I will know this.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Then comes the question: how do we alter it?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: What we often see in adulthood are not the original wounds themselves, but the adaptations that were built around them, the hyper-vigilance, the responsibility for others, the difficulty in trusting stability in relationships.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And once these patterns become visible, once the individual sees the pattern, something important becomes possible.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: That cycle can begin to loosen.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: So recovery from addiction really belongs only to one person who stops drinking or using substances or gambling.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: It also belongs to the family system that has organized itself around the addiction.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And many families spend years attempting to control or rescue the addicted person.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Support groups such as family-focused recovery programs often emphasize a different insight.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: No one person caused, controls, or can cure another person's addiction.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when families begin to understand this, something shifts.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility begins to return to where it belongs.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I encourage partners very often to say to the addicted person, I will support you in your recovery, but I will not enable you in your addiction.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a very, very powerful thing to say to someone because it recognizes that recovery is the only way forward.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Continued addictive behaviors signal I will probably leave you.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I won't play that game anymore because I know it doesn't work.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: For many adults who grew up in addicted homes, the most important moment in therapy occurs when they recognize simple, something simple but profound.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: The patterns that were shaped in their childhood were adaptations to survive, not failures.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: They were attempts to remain safe within an unstable environment.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And once those adaptations or those adaptations are recognized, they can begin to soften.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: The adult who once felt responsible for stabilizing everyone around them can learn that this responsibility never truly belonged to them.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: The person who grew up anticipating chaos can gradually learn to recognize stability.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: The child who listened from the top of the stairs may finally learn that it's safe to come down.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding the emotional world of children who grew up and who grow up alongside addiction is not simply an act of academic understanding.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's an act of recognition, of naming experiences that were hidden for many years, and of ensuring that the next generation of children doesn't have to carry those stories.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the most important parts of a family story are the ones that were never spoken.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes healing begins when those stories are finally told.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Think back to my comment about reality confrontation.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because when addiction enters a family, it really affects only the person who struggles with it.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Its shadow falls across the lives of children who grow up inside it and they will continue to suffer.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: The healthy and healthiest thing you can do is to say what you see.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Children can't do it.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But when you do it, then they know it's okay.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: They know that it's not them.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing they can do it.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And better still, if it then becomes possible to say, we as a family have to do something about this because it's not working and it's damaging.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: That signals relief.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to close by reminding you that if you are a person, an adult living in an environment like this, it is very, very important to ask yourself a question.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Is this okay?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being open?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Am I confronting the reality of this?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay not to know what to do.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, that's understandable.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: But you can always ask.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can go to Al Anon, you can speak to your GP, you can talk to a whole number of services, and you can do so anonymously.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: But understand this.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't take action, then you are enabling through denial.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the consequences of that may very well be the case that your child makes a disclosure outside the family home.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if they do, it will be investigated because the Children Act and the safety of children is paramount, and all of those who come into contact with children will be alert to anything that they say that indicates that there's something wrong within the family home.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't about judgment or blame.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And contrary to common misconception, safeguarding services are not there to catch people out and to punish them.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: They are there to identify where children may be at risk.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then they intervene with the intention of trying to help families stabilize.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: We know from history that when that doesn't happen, when concerns aren't investigated, outcomes can be tragic.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: I realize this has probably been quite a hard series to listen to.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And my sincere hope is that for those of you who are either in the situation or who know of others who might be, that what I've described offers information, understanding, and some comfort.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be an inevitable outcome.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: These patterns can change.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you have my heartfelt sympathy if you have been enduring this awful situation, but it can change.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to abandon any behavior that has to do with enabling and colluding.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.