Latest / Dam Parenting / Singing for Mental Health: Why Mums Who Sing Together Feel Less Anxious, Less Alone

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Singing for Mental Health: Why Mums Who Sing Together Feel Less Anxious, Less Alone · Dam Parenting

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Welcome back to Down Parenting, and welcome to day four of our
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12 Days of Christmas. If today feels loud, messy, or
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emotionally charged, this one is for you.
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This time of year pushes everyone's nervous system a
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little closer to the edge, parents included.
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And these 12 days, well, they're about support.
0:16
You know, the kind you can listen to while you're out
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walking the baby or a dog, or if you're rocking the toddler to
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sleep, or if you're just hiding in your old childhood bedroom,
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or if you're even just getting to sit still for yourself.
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Day 4 is focusing on something that we probably all need right
0:31
now, staying regulated. When things are going to unravel
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in today's episode, well, we're just going to need to take a
0:38
moment to really let it sink in. Because before we can help our
0:41
own children regulate, we need to understand our own stress.
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In this episode, our resident child psychologist, Dr. Faye
0:48
Poole explains how parental stress impacts the child's
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developing brain and why staying calm, Well, it's not about
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staying perfect, but it's about having the tools when things
0:59
feel out of control. Hello and welcome back to Down
1:05
Parenting, the podcast where we gently peel back the messy,
1:08
often banana smeared layers of modern parenting when honest and
1:11
unfiltered conversation at a time.
1:13
I'm your host, Eva, and today we're diving into a challenge so
1:16
universal yet so madding that even the most serene amongst us
1:20
might quietly lose it. Staying calm when your child is
1:23
anything but. Now, if you somehow missed our
1:26
last episode in this new miniseries with our resident
1:28
child psychologist, Dr. Faye from Care Psychology, I really
1:32
recommend giving it a listen. That was the inaugural step in
1:36
our emotional deep dive of Faye. We talked about big feelings,
1:39
tiny brains, and why your toddler's meltdown in Albert
1:42
Hine is not a personal vendetta against you.
1:44
Although it usually feels like 1, today we're turning up the
1:47
heat. Because here's a relatable
1:49
horror scenario. You've had a day so long that
1:52
even caffeine has abandoned you. You're juggling life and work
1:55
and your last shred of sanity, when suddenly your child decides
1:59
this is the precise moment to become an emotional firework
2:02
show. You theoretically are the adult.
2:05
You've words, coping strategies and a credit card for emergency
2:09
chocolate. They, on the other hand, have no
2:11
words, no power, and basically no impulse control.
2:14
So when they lose it, it's not an act of sabotage.
2:18
It's the only way they know how to say help.
2:21
So in today's episode, Faye and I will unpack why your reaction
2:24
in these moments is more important than any time out or
2:27
sticker chart you can wave around.
2:29
Because when your child is losing their mind, your biggest
2:32
superpower is not yelling louder.
2:34
It's staying calm enough to show them they're safe, even when
2:38
you'd rather crawl into that dishwasher to hide.
2:41
We're talking public meltdowns, the cultural obsession with good
2:44
kids, and of course, giving you actual phrases and tools that
2:47
you can use when your brain is quietly begging for wine and
2:51
chocolate and silence. So grab your tea or coffee or
2:54
wine or all and let's get into it.
2:57
Welcome back, Faye. Hello.
2:58
Thank you so much for having me. Well, thank you for being here
3:01
for us. I guess we're just going to
3:02
start with the why, and it's not a major philosophical question,
3:06
but why is it so important for parents to be able to regulate
3:08
their own emotions first before expecting a child to be able to
3:11
manage theirs? There's a number of reasons why
3:14
it's so incredibly important and I think one of the first ones is
3:17
to de escalate situations rather than escalate them.
3:21
When you meet child with really, really high emotions, what
3:25
happens is that situation often completely escalates.
3:29
And if we respond to a child in a much more emotionally
3:32
regulated way, then what that then helps to do is de escalate
3:36
that situation rather than it escalating even further.
3:40
So that's one really important reason that I can expand on a
3:43
little bit more later. Also to model and how to manage
3:47
big emotions. Children are still very much
3:50
learning how to respond to certain situations, how to
3:54
manage really big uncomfortable emotions.
3:57
And the more that we can model how to respond, the more they
4:01
will watch and observe and learn for themselves how to respond to
4:04
big emotions. And I think another reason
4:07
that's also really important is to support our children in
4:09
feeling understood as well. The more children feel
4:12
understood, the more they feel that they're listened to, the
4:15
more we show compassion and empathy towards children, the
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the less again, we see that escalation of a big emotion.
4:23
There are a number of reasons that I can expand on a little
4:26
bit more, but that's just kind of a brief summary really of the
4:29
key reason. Last episode, you actually
4:30
helped us understand the brain and the different elements of
4:33
it. So can you tell us what's
4:35
actually going on in the brain when it comes to these?
4:37
Well, when it comes to kind of trying to emotionally regulate
4:40
ourselves. Absolutely.
4:42
So when a child is experiencing a big emotion, the amygdala, the
4:46
emotion centre of the brain, is very much taking over.
4:49
And what happens is in that moment, that part of the brain
4:53
becomes very, very dominant. So say for example, you've got a
4:57
child who is really frustrated because they really, really want
5:01
something and you're putting in that boundary and saying no,
5:05
you're not able to have another cookie, or you're not able to
5:08
put whatever it is that they want.
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In that moment, their emotion centre of the brain has
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completely taken over and they feel emotions so intensely, but
5:17
actually what we want to do in that moment is support them to
5:22
respond through the higher order thinking of the brain.
5:25
So that's the prefrontal cortex. So when we're managing and
5:29
responding to those situations, we don't want to appeal to the
5:33
emotion center of the brain because as I said before, that
5:35
would further escalate the situation.
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What we want to do is to appeal to the prefrontal cortex, which
5:40
is responsible for logical thinking and reasoning.
5:44
So when I suppose going back to one of the points I made before
5:48
about the importance of de escalating situations rather
5:51
than escalating them, thinking about kind of the brain and how
5:54
it works. If we respond in an emotionally
5:57
charged way and the child is responding in an emotionally
6:00
charged way. Experts in this field like Steve
6:02
Peters who wrote the Chimp Paradox book, talks about how
6:06
it's like 2 chimps in the wild arguing and communicating with
6:09
one another and you're not going to get anywhere because you're
6:12
going to have two emotionally charged brains communicating
6:15
with one another and it's just going to further escalate.
6:18
So going back to kind of what I said before, what we need to do
6:20
is to appeal to that prefrontal cortex.
6:22
And the best way we can do that is through supporting them to
6:25
feel regulated, supporting them to feel understood,
6:28
acknowledging their emotions in that moment.
6:31
But we know actually that that's sometimes really difficult as
6:34
parents because we're only human.
6:36
And whilst I will talk a lot about how it's important to
6:40
support ourselves to regulate in tricky situations, we're not
6:43
robots. And we've all had situations
6:46
that we can relate to where we think, oh gosh, I totally could
6:50
have handled that differently. And you'll reflect and even have
6:53
a moment where you just think, Oh my goodness, that did not go
6:56
how I wanted it to. Regardless of how much you
6:59
prepare, regardless of how much you kind of consider how you
7:03
would like to respond in those moments.
7:05
Because sometimes our emotion centre of the brain does take
7:07
over because we're only human. And I suppose in those moments,
7:11
it's given, it's given ourselves that self compassion and it's
7:14
giving ourselves that grace to admit that.
7:16
Do you know what? It's OK to sometimes get things
7:18
wrong ourselves. And a key, a key benefit of that
7:22
is that that when we model that self compassion for ourselves,
7:25
we support our children in having that self compassion and
7:28
understanding that actually we don't always get things right.
7:32
And what is really important in that situation when things don't
7:36
go as well as we would want to is repairing the situation with
7:40
our children and acknowledging that you didn't get it right and
7:43
apologizing to your child and saying, do you know what, mummy
7:45
or daddy found that really difficult?
7:48
And actually that's not on you, that's on me.
7:51
And really responding to that in a way that again, models that
7:54
self compassion and models that we are not perfect because
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nobody is perfect. And however much we try to be
8:00
perfect, it's absolutely impossible.
8:03
So being able to be comfortable with that and be comfortable
8:06
with your child in that space is actually really important.
8:09
And another element kind of tied to that is if we have a
8:13
situation where perhaps we don't repair, where we don't speak to
8:16
our children about how we maybe could have handled things
8:19
differently, what then happens is we leave our child to to
8:23
write their own narrative about that situation.
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So what we often do is we leave them considering, well, why did
8:30
mommy or daddy behave in that way?
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And often they become the center of the problem in their own
8:36
mind. So they might then develop a
8:38
narrative around, oh, well, I'm naughty and I'm lazy.
8:40
And, and actually, that's the last thing we want for our
8:42
children to see themselves. We want them very much to see
8:45
themselves in a positive light and to understand that actually
8:48
we don't always get things right and they don't always have to
8:52
get things right, and that's OK. A great quote is you don't need
8:56
to control your child's emotions, you need to control
8:58
your own. And I think that's really
9:00
powerful in itself because we can't always control our child's
9:03
emotions. We can't always control our
9:04
child's behaviors, but we can, where possible, control our own
9:08
in that situation. But as I say every now and
9:11
again, you can't always control your emotions.
9:13
And sometimes we just need to take a step back and forgive
9:16
ourselves in those situations. So you said.
9:18
There are a few things that I just want to catch back on.
9:20
You said, oh, if we don't do it right, we kind of cringe,
9:23
honestly. I have shame, I have guilt, I
9:26
have just embarrassment. When I go through that, that's
9:29
the true feelings that I have because I'm like, I should have
9:32
known better and I'm kicking myself.
9:33
And what's worse is for most human beings is admitting you're
9:37
wrong is hard enough, but doing that to a child is on another
9:41
level because they're sitting there kind of already stewing in
9:44
themselves and a bit confused. But then this parent comes up
9:47
and is like, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
9:50
And sometimes it does kind of feel like, why am I doing this?
9:52
What good is this doing? So as much as I'm trying, I do
9:56
still feel like I'm sure many of us have this feeling of this
9:59
kind of feels stupid. And it's also just that
10:01
embarrassment that can also hold us back.
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It can be really tricky, can it? It can be really tricky to, you
10:07
know, take that step back. I'd say to you what?
10:09
I'm really sorry I got it wrong. It's, it's really, really
10:12
difficult. I think sometimes a lot of the
10:14
difficulties that we experience with managing our own emotions
10:18
often goes back to our childhood experiences.
10:21
And we're often triggered by what Doctor Hillary would
10:25
describe as wounds from our childhood.
10:28
So things that have happened to us where perhaps our emotional
10:31
needs were, were not met for whatever reason.
10:34
And then when we come across certain situations with our
10:38
children, it really, really triggers us.
10:40
It really triggers on our nervous system and our emotion
10:44
center of the brain really, really takes over.
10:47
And I suppose that stress response in itself is
10:50
uncontrollable in that situation.
10:52
But I suppose the more that you unpick what your triggers are,
10:55
the more that you unpick kind of what's going on for you, the
10:58
more that you can acknowledge, oh, do you know what?
11:00
This situation is actually quite triggering for me.
11:02
And you can take that step back. It's giving yourself that
11:05
reflection time. It's giving yourself that grace
11:07
and that forgiveness when when you don't always get it right
11:11
and then considering right. How can I handle that
11:14
differently next time? I'm just thinking about new
11:16
parents or people who are pregnant.
11:19
Maybe that's a conversation you need to have with a partner to
11:22
be like, hey, so when you're stressed, like, how are you
11:24
going to deal with it? Are you going to apologize to a
11:26
child? It's such a weird concept.
11:28
And it's obviously from our generations.
11:29
That is not happening back then for most of us.
11:32
But nowadays it's an element of what parenting style are we
11:35
going to have and how are we going to do this?
11:37
Because I remember explaining to my husband about my friend who
11:40
works in a daycare in Germany, and they have to ask the child
11:43
if they can change their diaper and that the child has the power
11:46
to say yes or no. I remember my husband was like,
11:48
well, that's insane. And then when it came to us
11:50
having our own child, I remember also being like, does that have
11:53
an impact? So we tried it out and, you
11:55
know, she never had a problem with it, thankfully.
11:57
But it was just that thing that you're like, oh, it's
11:59
recognizing that they are a human being and giving them the
12:01
equal respect that everyone deserves.
12:03
Absolutely do not. I was thinking about this
12:05
earlier and do not think you don't know what you don't know.
12:08
And prior to having children, you would never know.
12:12
There's nothing anyone could ever tell you to fully prepare
12:16
you for having children and to fully prepare you for the
12:20
emotional toll that having children has on you at times.
12:23
And some people have jobs where they manage really stressful
12:27
situations or would they have perhaps respond to children who
12:30
are regularly emotionally dysregulated.
12:32
But actually it's a whole different bargain when working
12:35
with your own children. And I don't think you can ever
12:39
fully emotionally prepare yourself for that.
12:41
And I think that that's where it goes back to what I said before
12:44
about giving yourself grace in these situations, because
12:47
ultimately we are we are all human and things are not always
12:50
going to go well. And also it depends on how we
12:53
feel day-to-day as well. How much are our basic needs
12:56
being met? And this was something I was
12:58
also considering earlier in terms of, but for so many of us,
13:02
we don't get enough sleep. For so many of us, we eat when
13:06
we can. We're not eating probably full
13:09
meals. We're not sitting down and
13:10
having a rest and a break when we're actually eating.
13:13
But so many of us were working, balancing child care, balancing
13:18
all the other cognitive love, the cognitive love that we need
13:22
to deal with. And actually, how often do we
13:24
just get time to ourselves? Like, like for me last night, my
13:27
little boy was not going to sleep and he didn't go to sleep
13:29
until 9:00. And then I was like, you know
13:32
what? I'm so exhausted, even though I
13:34
could do with some time to myself, like all I really needed
13:38
to do was just go to sleep. But then that completely takes
13:41
out any time that I've had to myself that day because I had
13:44
them all day yesterday. And thinking about kind of like
13:47
your basic needs being met around getting enough sleep,
13:51
having space and time to yourself, eating properly, all
13:56
those key factors, so many of those key needs that are not
14:00
being met. So then we're not then able to
14:02
show up for our children as well as we would be able to.
14:06
I really like the phrase you can't drink from an empty cup.
14:09
You can't show up for your children in a way that you want
14:11
to if you've got a completely empty cup.
14:14
So it's, it's considering those factors.
14:17
I know, I know. Another really common quote that
14:19
is often used is you need to put your own oxygen mask on first
14:23
before you put on the oxygen mask of others.
14:25
But actually it's a really important message behind that.
14:29
And I often laugh because I particularly when my little boy
14:34
was younger, he used to want to spend all his time with me.
14:38
And often when he didn't, there was a huge amount of emotional
14:43
dysregulation. So even me getting the space to
14:47
go in the shower and wash my hair felt like a spa day.
14:51
And, and sometimes it's those little things personally for me
14:55
that make such a huge difference.
14:57
Luckily now I get a bit more space, but even like that, space
15:01
to wash my hair and have that time to just decompress in the
15:04
shower, help to fill my cup up enough to be able to respond to
15:07
him. But without that, at times I did
15:10
find it quite difficult. You mentioned there about the
15:12
cognitive load and being overwhelmed with elements.
15:15
So as parents, we're often juggling so many layers of
15:17
stress, I guess. So work or relationships, daily
15:20
logistics, you know, and we're not always going to get it right
15:22
in the moment. So we hear phrases like the
15:24
rupture and repair a lot in parenting spaces, but what does
15:28
that actually look like in practice?
15:30
And how can we come back and connect with our child after
15:32
we've lost our calm? So I think the rupture and
15:35
repair side of things very much goes back to having that space
15:39
with your child to repair some of the difficulties you've
15:43
experienced from that rupture side of things.
15:46
So it's going back to being able to say sorry when you've perhaps
15:50
got things wrong, modelling self compassion, modelling being
15:53
imperfect. And again, going back to what I
15:55
said before about helping them to form a positive narrative
15:58
around you're not managing your emotions rather than them being
16:01
the center of the problem. And I suppose that repair side
16:05
of things could happen in a number of ways.
16:07
It could be around having a big cuddle.
16:08
It could be around and having that conversation.
16:11
But also that is a huge connection moment between you
16:16
and your child. And when I've listened to other
16:18
podcasts and them talking about the importance of repair after
16:22
rupture, they've talked about how that is actually so so
16:25
healing for your relationship. And actually, it makes your
16:28
relationship stronger between you and your your child.
16:31
And I think that's a huge point to consider us all because I
16:33
think sometimes we can feel so much guilt when we lose it and
16:38
when we don't handle things. But actually the most important
16:41
element out of all of this is the repair.
16:44
If you are able to repair that relationship, if you're able to
16:47
come to your child, give them a big hug if that's what they
16:50
respond to and say, do you know what?
16:52
I did not get this right. That is so important for your
16:56
relationship with your child more than anything else, because
16:59
whatever happens in that situation, it's always
17:02
repairable. You just mentioned modelling.
17:05
Can you actually explain that a bit more?
17:07
Yeah, of course. So one of the theories I always
17:10
come back to is social learning theory by Bandura, and it's
17:14
based on the idea that we copy the behaviors of others,
17:16
especially adults. It's based on quite a
17:19
controversial study that some of you might already be aware of,
17:22
which is the Bobo doll experiment.
17:23
That was in the 1960s before any ethical and procedures were put
17:27
in place. But what happened was children
17:30
observed adults behaving in a certain way towards a Bobo doll.
17:35
So children either observed an adult being aggressive towards
17:39
the Bobo doll, an adult being gentle and caring towards the
17:43
Bobo doll. And then there was a control
17:44
group where they didn't observe anything.
17:46
And what they actually found was that the children who observed
17:50
the aggressive adult, even though they didn't know this
17:52
adult at all, they carried out a lot more aggressive acts that
17:56
they copied a lot more aggressive acts on the Bobo doll
17:59
in comparison the other groups. So the group where they, they
18:02
watched the kind model and the control group.
18:05
So it shows even just watching 1 episode of someone behaving in a
18:10
certain way towards a bubble doll and that then influenced
18:13
the behavior of the children and then how they responded to the
18:16
bubble doll themselves. Now, obviously there's criticism
18:19
that you could talk about in terms of this research and that
18:21
you could argue bubble doll could be seen as a toy or, and
18:25
it's an inanimate object. But I suppose it gives a clear
18:28
message around children in terms of what they observe.
18:32
They're more likely to copy themselves and little people are
18:35
always watching, they're always listening.
18:38
And we see that all the time with our children in how they
18:41
copy certain things. A funny one that my little boy
18:44
is doing recently is, umm, sometimes my, my husband can
18:48
find things a little bit difficult at times.
18:50
And so like when my little boy is messy or when he spills food
18:55
on the floor. So I, I jokingly said to him,
18:57
Oh, we don't want daddy to freak out.
19:00
And then he now will say to me, we don't my daddy to freak out
19:05
and we'll and we'll laugh. So yeah, it just goes to show
19:09
that even we can, we can say something that in our minds at
19:12
the time seems really innocent. But actually they pick up on
19:15
these things so quickly. And so when we respond in a way
19:20
that is shouting or when I'll say, for example, if an adult
19:24
hit another child, then children are then more likely to copy
19:27
those behaviors because they've seen those behaviors model.
19:30
Can I just ask you there quickly?
19:32
Sorry, is this all negative behaviour as your relation to?
19:35
Absolutely not because with with the bubble doll the observed the
19:38
positive behaviours children were much more likely than copy
19:41
the positive behaviours of the adult.
19:43
And I suppose we see this day-to-day with our children.
19:47
So I suppose if we model tidying up we often then see our
19:50
children copying as tidying up. Or my little boy likes to use
19:54
the Hoover and things like that that went when they observe us
19:58
doing things, they often copy it, whether it's positive or
20:02
more negative behaviors. And I suppose tying into
20:05
managing big emotions, children observe how we respond when we
20:09
experience big emotions. So they're more likely to copy
20:11
that. So they're more likely to copy
20:13
shouting. If we are more physical, they're
20:15
more likely to copy those behaviors.
20:17
So I just have one more question for you.
20:19
Probably I have a lot more, but I'm just thinking we're kind of
20:22
understanding the elements of stress and the elements of kids
20:25
will be able to pick up on our stress and are well outburst
20:27
sometimes. What about in a real life
20:29
situation? We're out in public, your kids
20:31
tired or your kids trying to bite another child or your
20:34
shopping bags exploded or your kids screaming that they want
20:37
chocolate. You're mentally calculating when
20:40
dinner's actually going to happen in those messy,
20:42
overstimulating moments. How on earth are parents meant
20:45
to stay grounded and sane and how are we meant to actually be
20:48
emotionally regulated in real time?
20:50
It's. So difficult, isn't it?
20:52
We've all been there where we've been really busy in a public
20:55
space where our child is emotionally dysregulated,
20:59
whether it's them throwing themselves on the floor, whether
21:01
it's screaming. We've all been there and it
21:04
creates a really heightened situation and it's really
21:10
difficult. And sometimes I think our
21:12
instinct is to respond in an emotionally dysregulated way
21:15
ourselves or to, I suppose, feel pressure to respond in a certain
21:20
way. So other people don't think, oh,
21:21
they're a bad parent, even though they probably never would
21:24
think that. But in our minds, we we often
21:27
think, oh gosh, they're going to think I'm such a bad parent.
21:29
They're going to think I can't control my child.
21:31
And actually taking a step back from that and getting out of our
21:35
own heads in that situation is probably one of the best things
21:39
we can do. I think there's a number of
21:41
elements for me, I think that are really important in terms of
21:44
kind of thinking about supporting ourselves in these
21:46
situations. And I suppose in managing any
21:49
big emotions and well, I say managing, it's more responding
21:52
to kind of big emotions from our children.
21:55
And I think one of them is how we perceive our child's emotions
21:59
can be really, really influential.
22:01
And what I mean by that is the lens that we are looking through
22:04
in terms of understanding our child's emotions.
22:07
So if we have the mindset that our children are experiencing
22:13
difficulties handling themselves or experiencing difficulties in
22:16
managing these big emotions because the emotion centre of
22:18
the brain has taken over. If we compare that to having a
22:21
lens of, oh, they're just behaving like a spoiled brat,
22:25
your response is going to be really quite different.
22:28
And I think sometimes we can have a huge misunderstanding
22:31
around a child's emotional response or a toddler's
22:34
emotional response. And we often feel that need to
22:37
control their behaviors in that situation.
22:39
And when we're not able to control their behaviors because
22:43
often it's impossible in that moment, we then see ourselves as
22:46
a failure. But actually, if we can take a
22:49
step back from that and really think, do you know what, at this
22:52
moment in time, this is a typical toddler response, This
22:56
is a typical child response. And then kind of rely then on
23:02
strategies that you then have in your toolbox to be able to
23:07
respond. And then hopefully, if you're
23:09
able to kind of rely on those strategies or take that step
23:11
back for a minute, breathe. I know in our last episode, we
23:15
talked about stops not and really giving yourself that
23:17
moment and giving yourself that space and that grace in that
23:20
moment and remembering that it's not personal.
23:23
The way that they're responding isn't about you.
23:25
It's about them just experiencing such intense
23:27
emotions that they just cannot cope and manage with that
23:30
situation and they're just over spilling with emotions.
23:34
So taking that step back can be so important.
23:38
One of the other things that I mean, this wouldn't necessarily
23:41
be in a public space, it would probably be more at home.
23:45
But I think sometimes acknowledging our own limits,
23:48
it's important. And I suppose this goes back to
23:50
knowing that we might have certain triggers or knowing that
23:53
in certain situations, we're going to notice ourselves
23:56
bubbling. We're going to notice that.
23:58
We're going to notice that frustration really bubbling and
24:02
being able to recognize that for ourselves.
24:04
And especially if you're Co parenting, knowing that you need
24:08
to take a step back in that moment.
24:10
So knowing that, OK, I need a minute to myself to be able to
24:14
regulate myself before I can deal with this situation.
24:17
Or if you're Co parenting, maybe having a cold word between you
24:21
to indicate I need a minute, can you take over?
24:24
It can take some work and some time to be able to recognize
24:27
that you're frustrated and to be able to recognize that you need
24:30
someone else to step in. But actually, how powerful is
24:33
that to have that insight in that moment to recognize, OK,
24:37
I'm not going to handle this the best way I possibly can.
24:39
So I need you to step in and take over.
24:42
But also if you are finding it difficult to acknowledge that
24:45
and if you can agree with your partner, Oh, actually, if you
24:49
notice I'm not handling things, can you have a code word to use
24:53
to say, right, I need to take over because I can see things
24:58
are really bubbling and things are escalating.
25:01
And I suppose that can be difficult in itself as well
25:03
because if someone's emotionally charged and then someone else is
25:05
coming in and saying you're not handling this, it's having that
25:08
agreement between the two of you that actually this is what we
25:11
need for the best interests of our child.
25:13
We're not perfect. We don't always get it right.
25:16
And sometimes we need to help and support each other in these
25:18
really tricky, stressful situations.
25:21
But yeah, I thought that was a really nice idea around really
25:25
supporting one another in those moments if you are in a Co
25:28
parenting situation. Another one that I often talk
25:31
about as well is the use of scripts, using scripts in those
25:34
situations where you know you're going to find it triggering or
25:39
you know you might experience difficulties in regulating your
25:43
emotions in that situation. So for example, when your child
25:47
is experienced in big emotion, sometimes it can be so tempted
25:51
to be like, right, stop that is it better to have a script where
25:54
you acknowledge their feelings first?
25:57
So I can see you're having a really hard time right now.
26:01
You're really you're really struggling with your emotions.
26:04
Why don't we? Whatever the solution is, or if
26:07
your child has just hit you, having scripts like I cannot let
26:11
you hit me, but let me use my kind hands to take you away from
26:15
this situation and let's go do something else.
26:18
But having those those scripts to fall back on reduces the
26:21
likelihood that we're going to end up responding in that
26:23
emotionally charged way. Obviously, it doesn't guarantee
26:26
it. And again, we're human and
26:28
things don't always go to plan or how we would ideally want
26:31
them to. But having those scripts to fall
26:33
back on can be a bit of a security blanket for those
26:36
situations when we are finding things quite difficult.
26:38
Some of those scripts, I think we're going to have to write
26:40
them down because sometimes we don't really know what the
26:44
script actually is. So maybe we can write them down
26:46
and put them in our social media so that people can actually be
26:48
able to take a look at those. One script I personally use is
26:51
actually from, I think it's Doctor Becky.
26:52
My number one job is to keep you safe.
26:54
And she knows that and she can say it back to me now because
26:56
I've said it so many times to her.
26:57
But I think scripts would be actually a great way to
27:00
hopefully empower them and put that into their toolbox and help
27:03
them in those stressful situations.
27:05
I really like that one, actually.
27:07
And the word safe itself. Kate Silverton talks about this
27:11
in And there's no such thing as naughty.
27:13
Safe is a word that switches on the prefrontal cortex because
27:18
it's a trigger for the child that, oh, my parent has my best
27:21
interests at heart. The word safe automatically
27:26
activates that part of the brain.
27:27
So that's a really good one. I like that one.
27:30
OK, well as we wrap up today's episode, we just want to leave
27:33
you with this, I guess. Parenting isn't about perfection
27:36
and it's about presence. And we're all going to have hard
27:38
days and there are moments where we're going to feel overwhelmed,
27:40
stretched too thin, and probably that we've missed the mark or
27:44
effed up. But grace matters and repair is
27:47
powerful. And every time you slow down,
27:49
reconnect, or simply offer yourself a little compassion,
27:51
that's the real work. So take time for your child, of
27:54
course, but also for yourself. Your emotional well-being isn't
27:57
a luxury, it's actually a primary foundation.
28:00
If this episode has resonated with you, we'd love you to take
28:03
a moment to subscribe, leave a ration and review and share it
28:05
with a fellow parent who might need a little bit of extra grace
28:08
today. And as we said, we're going to
28:09
share those scripts on our social media.
28:11
So if you're looking for more support, practical tools, or
28:13
just honest conversations about messy beauty of parenting, come
28:17
and find us on Instagram at Down Parenting Podcast.
28:19
We're building a community there, and you're warmly
28:21
invited. So, Faye, thank you so much for
28:23
joining us again. Thank you for having me.
28:25
And everyone else? We're all doing better than we
28:28
actually think. We'll speak to you next.