Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Does Your Partner Know How Much Stuff You Do For Them??

Transcript

Does Your Partner Know How Much Stuff You Do For Them?? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about whether you
• 0:10
  actually toot your own horn enough as a partner.
• 0:15
  And you may say that's very antithetical to my scorekeeping
• 0:19
  podcasts and you would be right if it ended there, but there is
• 0:23
  more complexity which is why I have a whole podcast episode
• 0:26
  about it before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:29
  My most recent one was about first, I had female arousal and
• 0:33
  I had female sexual dysfunction. Sharon's.
• 0:35
  So if you see a theme the theme is that guys will pay money for
• 0:41
  subscriptions to hear about how women's bodies work.
• 0:45
  So I mean, like let's be reasonable like that is
• 0:48
  obviously true. So and also women will because
• 0:53
  they're way way way too few resources out there on how to
• 0:57
  understand yourself and your sex drive as a woman or of course,
• 1:00
  if you don't want to pay a have plenty of posts and stuff about
• 1:03
  similar sorts of things. But these ones are in depth
• 1:07
  about those issues, female sexual dysfunction, spoiler
• 1:11
  alert, do I think there is female sexual dysfunction, not
• 1:14
  in all cases. That women think that there is
• 1:17
  right, and also the female arousal one.
• 1:22
  There is female arousal that is a thing, but you wouldn't know
• 1:27
  from like many of the things that people tell me that they
• 1:31
  struggle with because female arousal AKA spontaneous desire.
• 1:35
  Is not as common as one would hope within monogamy and within
• 1:39
  relationships, so you should, you should listen and learn
• 1:42
  about that. Okay?
• 1:43
  Anyway, so now we are moving on to our topic for today, which is
• 1:49
  that does your spouse even know the good things that you do for
• 1:52
  them? So frequently I will be talking
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  to women and the usual woman situation where the woman talks
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  more than the man, which is not everybody, but it's the one
• 2:01
  where the woman is more of the emotional pursuer and the man's
• 2:04
  more of the distance sir. And she's always trying to get
• 2:06
  them to talk and it's like trying to ask the desk to say
• 2:08
  something, you know, we barely talks and or at least you know,
• 2:11
  he's talking more than he's ever talked to his whole life but but
• 2:15
  you know she doesn't feel like he's talking at all and so
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  something will happen and she's never getting enough validation
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  about that. He really loves her.
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  She's never getting enough reassurance.
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  That's how she feels. So if this is feels like you're
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  a relationship. Well, you're not alone, it's
• 2:31
  millions of relationships pursuer.
• 2:33
  Distance sir preoccupied avoidant.
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  Ever the case may be, it's those cases.
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  And so basically, I'll say to him something like how often you
• 2:43
  think about your wife during the day and she's like, never he
• 2:47
  never thinks about me because you never text me.
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  You know, I never talks to me, never calls me, I never never
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  thinks about me and he's like, oh, you know, at least once an
• 2:55
  hour and she's like what what do you mean?
• 2:58
  And he's like well yeah I mean I think about you a lot.
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  I think about what you're doing and I'll build it.
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  I'll I'm giving Too much credit. I'll say.
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  What do you think about it? He's like, I think about what
• 3:09
  you're doing. I think about where you are.
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  I think about oh you're at the gym.
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  You're going now to lunch. That's nice.
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  You must be at work doing something.
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  I hope your day is going good, you know, with prompt.
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  He talks about very honestly, there's not making it up.
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  You know, if these guys could make shit up, they would you
• 3:27
  have a lot less marital problems, you know?
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  Because they don't make shit up. They don't talk at all.
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  And then they end up with problems where the woman thinks,
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  they don't love her. Out.
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  So, it turns out guide thinks about his wife all the time, do
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  you know, which is usual that a guy has his wife kind of in the
• 3:44
  back burner of his mind? If he loves her and probably
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  even more if he hates her for the entirety of his workday and
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  the woman, never knew because he never told her.
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  So this is like my post stop leaving money on the table by
• 3:57
  not telling your wife how much you love her.
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  In this case it's how much you think about her?
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  What's another one that guys who are more like this do not Really
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  share when they get out of a work trip when they when they
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  make it so that they somehow get out of going to work travel
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  because they know how hard it is for the wife when they travel
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  for work with the young kids Etc.
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  Some of these idiots. I say affectionately don't even
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  tell her what the hell is the point of going through all that
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  shit? It's to get out of doing
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  something for her sake. If then you don't tell her and
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  so then when I say it to the guys, do you tell her, did you
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  tell? Her.
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  How long did it take you? How many emails did you have
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  with your boss? How anxious were you saying that
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  you were to, you know, didn't want to go on that trip and
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  trying to get somebody else to go in your stead?
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  How anxious were you? I was very anxious.
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  I had a lot of back and forth, so it was a big deal.
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  I was very relieved that I wouldn't have to go.
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  Did you tell her? No, well, my God.
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  Why not? Well I, you know, I mean, I
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  don't want her to think that I'm doing these things so that I get
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  credit. What the fuck?
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  I'll be like, what? It's like my God, what
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  self-sabotage? Now, why would somebody act like
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  this? Because they were raised to
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  avoid taking credit. They were raised to be
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  pathologically humble and to never toot their own horn.
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  And certainly never to be thought of as to be in any way
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  manipulative, so they were thought that.
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  So, on some level, they think that if they were to say to
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  their wife, I did x y z for you. Then this would be some sort of
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  contract where they think their wife would think that.
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  Then they, The wife should do something for the husband, which
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  they should be like, that's not abnormal, like it's good.
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  Like, in a relationship, we do nice things for each other, we
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  go out of our way to make each other happy.
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  And so usually, when the man at my exhortation tells the wife,
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  oh yeah, I did everything to get out of this business trip
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  because I didn't want it to be hard for you with the kids.
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  She's like, why didn't you tell me why didn't you tell me that?
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  Of course, I would want to know that that makes me feel good.
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  Why didn't you tell me that? Why don't you ever talk to me?
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  You did so, but like this, This is positive within the
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  constraints of couples counseling.
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  And then eventually, you know, it gets to be outside of couples
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  counseling because the guy learns, oh look.
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  I'm supposed to tell her when I do things for her she doesn't
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  take it as that. I'm trying to get credit.
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  She doesn't take it as anything bad or that.
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  I'm trying to do something with strings attached.
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  Men who were raised with a lot of strings attached.
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  Also, don't do this. So it's like if you had a mom
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  that it was always like okay well if I do this for you, then
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  you're going to do this for me. Then you love me so much, then
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  you're going to invite me over. Then you're going to this You
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  know, blah blah, blah. You know, then they are really
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  hesitant to do anything that could be perceived by the spouse
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  as that they're doing it in a strings attached way.
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  So, instead, they don't even tell the spouse about the good
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  thing that they did, which then makes the spouse.
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  It takes away something from the spouse, and spouse would have
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  liked to hear about this good thing or make them feel good.
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  So what's another one? Big one is women who do stuff in
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  bed and the husband doesn't know it's for them.
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  You have no idea how much Is this happens.
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  So because men are race with poor and as I say a lot, they
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  think that if their wife does a lot of crazy shit and bad.
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  It's because that's what women do.
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  That's cool. You know.
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  Oh yeah, of course, I mean yeah. We we do eight positions in our
• 7:17
  40 minute session because she's into it, in fact, she's the one
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  who flips over, like, cool. You know, what else, like, did
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  you listen to my shit about women with in monogamy?
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  Do you know how? She's like psyching herself up?
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  Like she's into it like, yeah, okay.
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  Like Is she I'm sure she's into it, you know?
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  But she is really not as into it as you think it least five
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  percent of that is is that's a really low estimate is for you
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  out of love for you out of understanding about responsive
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  desire out of, literally the district, as I've tried to
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  describe so many times average, monogamous woman thinks about
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  sex, basically not at all. So if your wife is initiating
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  sex other times that are not when she's ovulating, it is
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  usually because she Loves you. She wants to be close, she knows
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  that sex will eventually be good and that you want it and and she
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  will want it. You do want it, and she will
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  want it. So, therefore, out of love for
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  you and the desire for connection, she is not only
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  going to do it, but she is going to, you know, try to make it
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  good. And it doesn't mean that she's
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  not like really enjoying it. She is.
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  But if you were not home for example, most women would not be
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  mournful that they would not be able.
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  Have their sexual encounter that evening within the constraints
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  of monogamy and small children. They really wouldn't, they would
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  just watch TV and go to sleep. So she's doing it for you in a
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  lot of cases. So if you are not just for you
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  again, I don't want anybody's ego to shatter, but it's not
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  just for you, but it's a large part for you out of love for
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  you, which is wonderful. That is a great wife.
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  Good, kudos to you. You picked a good one.
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  So, but the point is, a lot of women.
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  Don't share it because they think that that will ruin it.
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  That doesn't ruin it. What that does is that stops?
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  Well, two things, one, one thing is, if you don't ever say that
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  you really, really trying the guy doesn't think he really,
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  really has to try for anything, because so many guys, don't then
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  think that their wife is literally doing anything for
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  them because wife does so much shit for the kids, you know?
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  So, and they're not kid. So yeah, she cooks dinner, but
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  dinner is for the kids. Yeah.
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  She, you know, takes care of the kids but they are the kids and
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  It's a point. But if they don't know about the
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  whole fact that she's trying to be romantic and sexy and
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  initiate sex and stuff in large part for them, then they can
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  conclude that the wife is doing, absolutely nothing for them.
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  And ironically, they feel worse about the relationship.
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  They just think that there was a high sex drive woman, which they
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  may not even classified as such because for porn.
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  She's kind of low sex drive. So they're just with a woman,
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  you know, and they have sex because that's what married
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  people do at this. This is how guys think, who have
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  sex with in their marriage. They don't interrogate it and,
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  you know, she likes it as much as I do, maybe even more shit.
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  She's the one who has orgasms twice.
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  And so, you know, she does nothing for me, doesn't really
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  give a shit about me. No, no, no, no.
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  And so, if you're in a situation where your husband is ever in
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  any way, implied that you don't do anything for him, but in
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  fact, you do try to be romantic and sexy in large part for him
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  and to have a happy marriage with him and because he likes
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  it, you should definitely Say it.
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  You shouldn't say I like man. I don't want to fuck you at all.
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  Not I do it because that isn't true.
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  You know, you do also enjoy it. But what you should say is
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  something like actually, you know, I really prioritize our
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  sex life because you love it so much.
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  And so, even on days when I'm not into it at all, that would
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  rather go to sleep. I tell myself, try try to get in
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  the mood, you know, you're attracted to him.
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  Try, try to get in the mood and I do, and I do it for you and
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  then I end up enjoying myself. But let me tell you something,
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  if I If I didn't say to myself, try to have sex, I wouldn't.
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  So I am doing something for you and this is to be said in
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  situations where as in the previous gender flipped example.
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  The person's always saying that you don't love them enough.
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  So it this isn't for everybody, I mean for everybody in general
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  you know sure like say I do loads of stuff for you because I
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  love you not because I want you to do anything back for me but
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  because I love you and I want you to be happy but in a
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  situation specifically where the It has a problem in some way
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  with what you do and how much you seem to evidence of
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  commitment or love or or whatever the hell they want feel
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  free. Then to be very open and honest
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  about the stuff you do behind the scenes to be a better
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  partner for them. Really be honest.
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  And it could be very transformative and it can in
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  fact be more meaningful for the person that because in a very
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  real way, a guy who's already kind of bored, you know?
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  I mean, it's monogamy kind of bored.
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  He's already. Okay.
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  Yeah, yeah, I have a good sex. Life is fine.
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  You know, she likes sex, I like sex, you know, but you know, I
• 12:09
  really don't feel like she's that into me, it could be
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  transformative for him to realize, you know what, she's
• 12:15
  not always that into sex before she starts to have it.
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  And a lot of the reason that she does stuff like put on lingerie
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  and this and that and the other is because she loves you so much
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  and she wants you to have a great experience, you know?
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  And so, if you were a woman raised in a similar sort of
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  household, where you're a people pleaser, and you're told never
• 12:30
  to touch your own horn. Never To say that you're doing
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  anything for credit, you know then you may not have been kind
• 12:37
  of clear about this such that your husband doesn't even
• 12:39
  realize that you have been motivated by love for him as
• 12:44
  much if not much more than spontaneous sexual desire which
• 12:48
  you're very unlikely to have within monogamy as I've said,
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  now 1 million and 12 times so that's another example.
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  Now what is another? So I've said like if your spouse
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  is always up your ass, you don't love me enough.
• 13:00
  These are things that you could say to say yes.
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  Yes I do. But also what's another
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  situation, a situation where your partner really doesn't try
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  to do shit for you. So you know you are actually
• 13:11
  doing stuff behind the scenes at if you look at it you're like my
• 13:15
  partner is not really being very nice to me.
• 13:19
  You know, like my partner's is is kind of checked out my
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  partner doesn't do much. You know, if you feel like this
• 13:27
  it may well be true. And the reason maybe because
• 13:30
  your partner doesn't think you do much for him.
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  They're or her either. So then it's a important thing
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  to do on. We do in couples counseling to
• 13:38
  really be clear on both ends. Hey, look, if we really, really
• 13:42
  slow this down and go very into the details, here into the Weeds
• 13:47
  about the things that you guys do.
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  Check it out, you're doing lots of stuff for each other.
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  Both of you are sacrificing all the time and it can make people
• 13:55
  feel very good to say, wow. Like, I didn't know that, like,
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  my husband does this, or that for me like that he does the
• 14:02
  grocery. Every shop at this time because,
• 14:04
  you know, the time that he went the others at the different
• 14:07
  time, they didn't have apples that I like.
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  And when he goes in the morning, they do.
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  I didn't even realize that he was doing that.
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  So I would have my Apple that I like, or whatever the case may
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  be, you know? So if you are doing stuff behind
• 14:19
  the scenes and you already know that you tend to our people
• 14:22
  pleasing or Workhorse mentalities, which I have
• 14:24
  described amply in Prior, podcasts, and posts, and you
• 14:28
  really minimize sharing the behind the Gene's work that you
• 14:33
  do to make your partner happy. There are ways to share that in
• 14:36
  a way that does not at all hurt their feeling.
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  And instead amplifies, what you're doing?
• 14:41
  Like not only then are they having a good sex life.
• 14:44
  But even when you're not in the mood, you get yourself in the
• 14:48
  mood to do it. Wow, that's great.
• 14:50
  That, that is out of love. Like that isn't just like, oh
• 14:53
  well here we are two people that seem to have relatively similar
• 14:56
  sex drives falling into bed, you know?
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  Because you may think what kind of guy would think that they
• 15:01
  think that That I'm here to tell you.
• 15:03
  Hello. They think that so because
• 15:06
  you've not made it clear otherwise and they watched so
• 15:08
  much porn that they think man. Yeah, that that's what happens
• 15:11
  man. And woman they see each other
• 15:12
  they fuck you know and so that if that's how he thinks about
• 15:15
  the world and it's not going to be it's going to be pretty
• 15:18
  transformative to know that while he's been bitching that.
• 15:21
  You don't love him. And I've been fact you do and
• 15:24
  you are getting yourself in the mood on a regular basis because
• 15:27
  you do and not just as a coincidence because you happen
• 15:30
  to have desire at the same minute that he Which many women
• 15:33
  are like? No, no, no.
• 15:34
  He can't possibly be that stupid.
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  No, no way. He knows that I don't really
• 15:38
  want to a lot, but that I'm trying for him and then
• 15:40
  eventually it all comes to fruition girl.
• 15:43
  No, he doesn't know that if you've not told him, he doesn't
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  know what I promised. So tell him if he has any
• 15:51
  problems with you at all and tell them anyway.
• 15:53
  Because in that case, he would honestly understand a lot more
• 15:58
  about like why, you know, the first 10 minutes into it you
• 16:01
  seem like you can't Stand them or whatever the case may be, you
• 16:04
  know, you're probably not as good an actress as you think and
• 16:07
  it's very, very and in this, as well as the Apple example, as
• 16:11
  well as the work travel example, it's meaningful for people when
• 16:16
  you sacrifice for them. So if you're doing it, don't
• 16:19
  hang it over their head but certainly let them know if they
• 16:24
  are the sort of person who feels terribly guilty about somebody
• 16:27
  doing anything for them. That's what should they should
• 16:29
  work on in therapy. That's not a you thing.
• 16:31
  You To be clear that you do things for the relationship and
• 16:36
  that will make them feel like they want to do more things for
• 16:39
  you to, which is a very powerful virtuous cycle and a wonderful
• 16:44
  bi-directional sort of, you know, way that a marriage should
• 16:48
  should go and that would make a marriage successful as both
• 16:50
  people trying their hardest to do things for the other.
• 16:53
  All right? Hopefully, this was interesting
• 16:56
  to you and I will talk to you all soon.
• 16:57
  Please subscribe. Bye bye.