Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 127: When Someone Makes You Upset: How to Take Control of Your Feelings

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127: When Someone Makes You Upset: How to Take Control of Your Feelings · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is Marianne Walker and I'm the life coach for empaths and highly sensitive people.
• 0:26
  And today I want to share with you a story about a client that I will just call Joe.
• 0:31
  So Joe is a cognitive empathizer.
• 0:33
  That means that he really thinks through how it is that somebody else might be experiencing things, but it's very cerebral for him.
• 0:40
  And he is married to a highly sensitive woman.
• 0:43
  And so a highly sensitive person they're using all of their senses to gather information.
• 0:47
  It's just a different experience when you're a highly sensitive person versus a cognitive empathizer.
• 0:53
  So when Joe came home and he saw his overwhelmed wife and wife saw overwhelmed, Joe, then they kind of almost started competing for who's the most overwhelmed and whose fault is it?
• 1:04
  Because she just needs Joe to hold space for her because she's feeling overwhelmed if he would just listen, but Joe's coming in through his own overwhelm and thinking, well, why can't you just be nice to me and just back away when I come home and give me some time to adjust?
• 1:17
  And so they're both essentially competing for whose feelings are.
• 1:20
  Are most valid.
• 1:21
  And it was creating a lot of conflict for Joe and his wife.
• 1:26
  In fact, Joe even told me, he said, well, if my wife would just ask me for my consent before emotionally dumping on me, then that would be really helpful.
• 1:34
  It is because of her that I am experiencing overwhelm..
• 1:38
  And guess what.
• 1:40
  As a coach for empaths and highly sensitive people, I could totally relate to this.
• 1:44
  I could totally empathize.
• 1:46
  And that's something that I coach on quite a bit is essentially somebody having a big feeling and we are not ready to have it shared with us.
• 1:53
  Right.
• 1:53
  So maybe you're picking up on this big feeling because they have verbally told you all about it.
• 1:58
  When you walk in the door or maybe you're an empath or highly sensitive person, and you just feel the energy of it.
• 2:03
  But now we are in a situation where we are believing that their big feelings are causing our big feelings.
• 2:11
  And so essentially what I'm hearing is, well, it's their fault that I'm experiencing all of these big feelings.
• 2:16
  And I actually think that a lot of empaths and highly sensitive people, they probably really do wish that they could be asked for consent before somebody unloads on them.
• 2:25
  But the truth is that we are responsible for our own emotions.
• 2:29
  That responsibility lies with us, not with the other person, but that responsibility of emotional regulation, it lies with us.
• 2:38
  So today I'm going to be sharing with you four tips for how to navigate it.
• 2:42
  When somebody makes you upset.
• 2:45
  And I'm kind of emphasizing that because that's number one is other people cannot make you upset without your consent.
• 2:52
  Our brain wants to say, no, they need to ask us for consent, but the truth is that they can not make us feel anything without our consent.
• 3:00
  And most often it's not the other person that is actually causing your upset, but instead it's your thoughts around the situation that are creating the upset.
• 3:09
  Now, let me use kind of a bit of a silly example here to kind of illustrate this point, Let's say that I'm just walking down the street and somebody walks by me and they say,"Hey, blue hair." Now, how would I think and feel about that?
• 3:20
  First of all my hair is not blue.
• 3:22
  It is blonde.
• 3:23
  So I might be kind of confused.
• 3:25
  And probably I would just go about my day.
• 3:27
  I mean, honestly, I might go home at the end of the day and I might say, yeah, I'm kind of confused.
• 3:30
  Cause somebody walked by me and they said,"Hey, there blue hair." And I think they were talking to me.
• 3:36
  But I was really confused by the situation, but whatever, that was a weird thing.
• 3:39
  And then I would just go about my day.
• 3:41
  I would not have to stop that person in the grocery store and say, don't you see, my hair is blonde.
• 3:46
  How dare you call me blue hair.
• 3:48
  That's not who I am.
• 3:49
  You're not seeing me clearly.
• 3:50
  I wouldn't have to invest my energy into that.
• 3:52
  I wouldn't have to be angry.
• 3:54
  I wouldn't have to change their story.
• 3:56
  I could just say, huh?
• 3:57
  Well, that's strange.
• 3:58
  They called me blue hair.
• 3:59
  Okay.
• 4:00
  And I could go about my day.
• 4:03
  I don't have to get angry about it because it's simply not true.
• 4:06
  However, sometimes we do decide that it is best for us to push back against it when somebody shares their perception of events and we might choose to get really angry, even if it's something that we disagree with.
• 4:18
  In fact, especially when it's something that we disagree with.
• 4:20
  If it's about us personally, we tend to get really defensive.
• 4:24
  So we allow ourselves to get offended and then we're putting ourselves on the defensive.
• 4:30
  And when that happens, we might end up ranting and raging, but ranting and raging, isn't going to help anything.
• 4:36
  And it's going to make it more about who is right rather than what is right.
• 4:40
  So what if instead, we just got a little bit curious.
• 4:43
  What's coming up for them?
• 4:45
  Why would they think that I have blue hair when it's obviously blonde, maybe they were wearing some blue tinted sunglasses.
• 4:51
  And so they actually believed that everybody around them that day had blue hair.
• 4:54
  Maybe they ate an insane amount of blueberries and now all they see as blue now side note I don't think that would actually happen, but that would be very entertaining wouldn't it?
• 5:02
  But you get my point.
• 5:04
  It is far more productive to just approach things with curiosity.
• 5:07
  Rather than defensiveness.
• 5:09
  Curiosity helps us to solve the actual problem and figure out what is true in the moment whereas defensiveness, where essentially forfeiting control over our own emotions and we're giving it to another person.
• 5:21
  And that keeps us in victimhood and it limits our personal growth.
• 5:26
  So, yes, other people's emotions may have impact on you, but you get to decide how much impact you're going to allow it to have on you.
• 5:36
  There's a lovely little children's book by Max Ludcao called You Are Special.
• 5:40
  And in this little children's book, then he talks about the wemmicks.
• 5:44
  So the wemmicks are little wooden people that just go around all day, every day, putting stickers on each other.
• 5:49
  And if one of these wemicks is particularly beautiful or talented or artistic, they will put a star sticker on them.
• 5:56
  But if however, one of these little wemmicks is not as attractive or if they trip and fall and they're kind of clumsy, then they're going to put a dot on them.
• 6:04
  And there was one little wemmick that was covered in dots and he noticed that there was this other little wemmick that had no stickers at all.
• 6:12
  At first, he thought he wanted to be a wemmick with lots of stars.
• 6:15
  But when he saw that wemmick with no stickers at all, he thought, Ooh, I want to be like her.
• 6:20
  Now as the story goes on, then we learn the moral of the story is the stickers only stick.
• 6:25
  If you let them.
• 6:27
  And the same is true for us.
• 6:29
  Other people's words, other people's actions, other people's emotions are only going to impact us if we choose to allow it to impact us.
• 6:38
  And the way that we allow them to impact us is through our thoughts.
• 6:42
  It is what you are thinking about their words, what you are thinking about their actions that is actually causing you harm and that is putting that stickiness on those stickers and causing them to stick on you.
• 6:53
  It's not their words or their emotions.
• 6:55
  It is what you are choosing to believe about their words or emotions that is having that negative impact on you.
• 7:01
  And that leads into tip number two, distinguish between your emotions and their emotions.
• 7:08
  Remember it is not their overwhelm that's overwhelming you.
• 7:12
  It's your thoughts and feelings around their overwhelm.
• 7:15
  That is overwhelming you.
• 7:17
  So take some time to separate out their overwhelm from your own overwhelm.
• 7:21
  It's okay for you to both be overwhelmed.
• 7:24
  And it's your thoughts that are going to impact how you're showing up.
• 7:27
  So if you're thinking no only one of us can be overwhelmed right now, and it's me, you're going to be showing up very differently in relationship than if you come home and you recognize.
• 7:36
  Oh, it looks like we're both in overwhelm.
• 7:38
  What could we do?
• 7:39
  It's putting you on the same side of the line and it helps you to see things a little bit more clearly.
• 7:45
  Sometimes, especially if you are an empath or a highly sensitive person, it's really easy to confuse your own emotions with other people's emotions.
• 7:54
  Because we really, truly do believe sometimes that we are overwhelmed because they are overwhelmed.
• 8:00
  But more likely than not, it's not their overwhelm that's causing us to feel overwhelmed, but it's our inability to navigate and process our own emotions and our own thoughts and emotions around somebody else's emotions that is creating that overwhelm for us.
• 8:14
  So, let me give you some examples of unsupportive thoughts that might be keeping you stuck, and that might actually be preventing you from navigating your own emotions.
• 8:23
  Okay.
• 8:23
  And this pertains, to, navigating other people, having an emotional experience.
• 8:28
  So here's some unsupportive thoughts that might be keeping you stuck.
• 8:31
  It is my job to fix their feelings, right?
• 8:34
  If you're feeling overly responsible for somebody else's emotions, you're not going to feel very good.
• 8:38
  And you're not gonna be able to process your own emotions because you're gonna be so consumed with helping them to process their own.
• 8:45
  Another thought"they shouldn't be feeling the way that they're feeling right now." This is another one that's really tricky because oftentimes we're thinking somebody else shouldn't be feeling that way, we're trying to justify our own emotional experience.
• 8:57
  But again, this is keeping about the other person and it's not going to help us learn how to emotionally navigate that on our own and process our own emotions.
• 9:05
  "They shouldn't be sharing this with me right now this is another one that's really interesting with the example of Joe.
• 9:11
  Yeah.
• 9:11
  It makes sense that as soon as Joe gets home, that his wife wants to share her overwhelm with him.
• 9:16
  That makes sense.
• 9:18
  And most days, Joe would probably prefer that, you know, when he's feeling grounded, this is how it is for all of us, when we're feeling grounded and secure in our own selves and in our own emotions, it's a lot easier for us to hold space for other people.
• 9:30
  There's probably been days where he just felt so honored that his wife trusted him and wanted to share that with him as soon as they came in.
• 9:37
  But when he's experiencing overwhelm, it shifts that dynamic and he's going to be having a different response.
• 9:43
  But just because he's having a different experience in a different response, it still does not mean that it's his wife's fault that he is feeling the overwhelm.
• 9:52
  Okay.
• 9:52
  Another unsupportive thought.
• 9:53
  They don't care about my feelings.
• 9:55
  Again, this is competing and it's essentially having the belief that only one person's feelings are valid at a time.
• 10:01
  It's okay for you to have your feelings and for them to have their feelings.
• 10:05
  That's okay.
• 10:07
  "They should just know what it is that I need right now.
• 10:10
  this one is a big one, especially if you're a highly sensitive person or an empath, and you really do have a tendency to no one understand what it is that other people need sometimes before they even know it, or before they've even expressed it, you know what their needs are.
• 10:23
  But remember that is your super power.
• 10:25
  That is not their super power.
• 10:28
  So remind yourself that.
• 10:29
  Okay.
• 10:30
  I know what I need right now.
• 10:31
  And I can communicate that and I can make a request to see if they can fulfill my need, but it is my job to communicate my needs and it is my job to figure out a way to get those needs met.
• 10:41
  It's up to me.
• 10:43
  All right.
• 10:43
  And then another one,"they should just know what an impact they're having on me right now." Again, this one, we like to think that that sounds good and noble, right?
• 10:53
  That they should be more empathetic.
• 10:54
  They should be understanding, but when circumstances change, how are they to know?
• 10:59
  Again, using that example of Joe and his wife.
• 11:02
  She cannot know what Joe's emotional state is, unless he shares it with her.
• 11:07
  And maybe if she does learn that, oh, he's had a really rough day at work, then they can negotiate how to hold space for each other or what the needs are so they can get those needs met.
• 11:16
  But again, we cannot just go through life assuming the other people are going to know what it is that we need, that they're going to just know how it is that they should be showing up for us.
• 11:24
  That is our responsibility to communicate that.
• 11:27
  So all of these thoughts that I just shared, they're going to be perpetuating your own hurt and also potentially be contributing to more conflict and relationship.
• 11:35
  Separating out your thoughts from your feelings is super helpful here.
• 11:40
  When you feel stuck in this place.
• 11:41
  Separate out your thoughts from your feelings and see what is coming up for you.
• 11:45
  So really break it down.
• 11:47
  For example, maybe when you walked in the door, then your partner expressed anger.
• 11:51
  And when they expressed anger, you started to feel defensive.
• 11:55
  Let them own their anger, right.
• 11:57
  You're separating yourself from them and you get to own your own defensiveness.
• 12:02
  Just own that you're feeling defensive right now.
• 12:04
  It's not because of them that you're feeling defensive it's because of the thoughts that you are thinking, where you were experiencing that defensiveness.
• 12:10
  Remember, you do not have to fix their anger.
• 12:13
  I mean, if they're telling you that they're angry because of something that happened between the two of you, listen.
• 12:18
  And you can listen and be respectful of their experience and let them process their own anger.
• 12:24
  And this is a lot easier to do when you're able to just listen without that defensiveness.
• 12:29
  So let them work on their anger and you work on your defensiveness and that will help you to see more clearly what is yours and what is theirs.
• 12:38
  Because let's be honest, it benefits both of you for you to just take and own your defensiveness and for them to own their anger and learn how to navigate that because it's going to be really, really hard for the two of you to find any resolution, if they are feeling angry and if you were feeling defensive.
• 12:54
  So work to process, what is yours, because that is what is in your control.
• 12:58
  And that will help you to see the situation a bit more clearly.
• 13:02
  So maybe rather than thinking, well, they are overwhelming me with their feelings of overwhelm.
• 13:07
  Instead, sit with it a little bit, acknowledge your feelings and then try on some other thoughts.
• 13:12
  For example, instead you might think, okay, well they appear to be overwhelmed right now.
• 13:17
  And I know that I am feeling overwhelmed after my long day at work.
• 13:21
  I know that I'm better holding space for her when I'm not feeling stretched so thin.
• 13:25
  But today was really hard.
• 13:27
  So I'm not showing up as my best self, right.
• 13:29
  That's offering some self-compassion, I'm not showing up as my best self.
• 13:33
  And that means that I'm not holding space in the way that she needs me to right now.
• 13:37
  And that means we're both feeling off because she was hoping that I would have a greater capacity to hold space for her right now.
• 13:44
  And I don't.
• 13:45
  So I'm feeling overwhelmed.
• 13:47
  I'm feeling a little bit of shame because of my lack of capacity right now.
• 13:51
  And at the same time, I'm feeling kind of angry and unseen.
• 13:54
  Because she doesn't know yet how overwhelmed I am right now.
• 13:57
  But I know that that's not because of her it's because I had a long day and I was hoping to come home for some comfort of my own.
• 14:04
  And so we both came into this with some expectations that are not being met.
• 14:09
  And it's those expectations that are preventing us from offering each other the comfort that we need right now.
• 14:15
  Now as a reminder, if you want to learn more about how expectations might be sabotaging your relationship, I encourage you to check out episode one 20.
• 14:22
  I will link that in the show notes, but go and check that out.
• 14:24
  I really expand on how those expectations can be really sneaky and negatively impact relationship.
• 14:31
  All right.
• 14:31
  Tip number three, process your emotions in the body.
• 14:36
  An emotion is just a frequency in the body.
• 14:38
  That's all that it is.
• 14:40
  And an emotion takes about 90 seconds to process in the body.
• 14:44
  So allow yourself to feel it.
• 14:46
  You can do this by asking yourself some questions, maybe ask, okay, where is this emotion located?
• 14:51
  What color is it?
• 14:52
  What does a feel like?
• 14:54
  Now let's kind of play around with a specific emotion for a little while, and let's play around with defensiveness since we were just talking about it.
• 15:00
  But where does defensiveness.
• 15:03
  What do you feel it in your body?
• 15:05
  For me, defensiveness is kind of an all over feeling.
• 15:07
  I feel it kind of all over my body, but it's a little bit heavier in the head.
• 15:13
  Because this defensiveness is compelling me to write a story to defend myself.
• 15:17
  Right.
• 15:17
  So I feel it mostly in my head.
• 15:20
  Okay.
• 15:21
  So that's where I feel it, it might be different for you.
• 15:23
  What color is defensiveness for you?
• 15:27
  When I really am sitting with defensiveness, for me, it kind of shifts between black and gray and red, which to me are kind of battle colors.
• 15:36
  Right.
• 15:36
  That's kind of what I associate with battle, and those are kind of the colors I associate with defensiveness.
• 15:41
  Now really think for a moment about what does defensiveness feel like in your body?
• 15:46
  When I'm experiencing defensiveness, I can kind of feel my brow furrowing.
• 15:50
  I can feel my shoulders coming forward and my lips might get kind of tight.
• 15:54
  For me, defensiveness shows up a lot on my face.
• 15:56
  I might also maybe be stomping around a bit more.
• 15:59
  It's kind of a bit more loud body language.
• 16:02
  but that's what defensiveness looks like for me.
• 16:04
  So just allow yourself to really feel it in the body for 90 seconds and just get curious about it, really observe it and see how it helps those emotions to shift and to change.
• 16:15
  Now, as I said, emotions take about 90 seconds to feel and process in the body.
• 16:19
  But sometimes when they're lasting longer than the 90 seconds, it's because we are allowing our own story to run the show.
• 16:27
  The story is perpetuating that negative emotion.
• 16:31
  So emotions like defensiveness or maybe feeling justified, those emotions in particular are really going to drive us to create a story in our minds.
• 16:40
  So notice if you're trying to write a story about it and let that story go and instead just feel it in your body.
• 16:47
  Give it just 90 seconds to breathe and to feel into it.
• 16:51
  There are a lot of things that you can do with your body to help to process these emotions such as tapping.
• 16:56
  Which we're going to be talking about here on the podcast soon.
• 16:58
  So make sure that you're subscribed if you want to learn more about tapping breath, work, any kind of somatic work, yoga, do something to really get into your body and allow yourself to process it in the body.
• 17:11
  This allow you to practice feeling it in the body and also using your cognitive empathy to figure out, okay, what's going on for me, what's going on for them so that you can allow each party to own their own emotions.
• 17:23
  All right.
• 17:23
  Number four.
• 17:24
  Take ownership of your own emotional boundaries.
• 17:28
  This kind of goes back to the idea that Joe had about, well, can you just ask for consent before emotionally dumping on me?
• 17:34
  Right.
• 17:34
  But being aware that I am responsible for me.
• 17:37
  Yeah.
• 17:37
  It would be great if people would ask for consent first, but more than likely they're not going to they're in emotional overwhelm.
• 17:44
  Their prefrontal cortex is offline.
• 17:46
  They're just expressing a big emotion and expecting people to act through their higher mind when they're acting through their emotional self it's going to be a challenge.
• 17:55
  And also remember that they are responsible for their feelings and you are responsible for your own.
• 18:01
  So if they're coming to an overwhelm and you are starting to feel overwhelmed, you need to work on your own overwhelm.
• 18:08
  And since you are responsible for your own emotions, then remember that you are the one that needs to set those emotional boundaries in order to keep yourself healthy and keep yourself safe emotionally.
• 18:19
  Now a boundary is an if then statement.
• 18:22
  So it's not making a request.
• 18:23
  As I told Joe, you can make a request and say, Hey, would it be okay if you please ask for consent before emotionally dumping on me?
• 18:29
  I'd would really appreciate that.
• 18:31
  You can make a request, but this is not a boundary making a request of somebody expecting them to just continue to follow that and saying, well, no, you were supposed to do this.
• 18:39
  That is not a true boundary.
• 18:40
  That's attempting to control the other person.
• 18:43
  A true boundary, lets people do what they're going to do, but it's creating an if then statement.
• 18:49
  So they are still more than welcome to come and dump on you.
• 18:51
  They're going to do it anyway.
• 18:52
  And if you're an empath or a highly sensitive person, then they might not have any clue they're even doing it, but you're still feeling the weight of it.
• 18:58
  Right.
• 18:59
  And so just remember that, okay.
• 19:00
  This is about them and I need to learn how to regulate my own emotions around their having any emotional experience.
• 19:07
  Now if you would like some help and support around boundaries, I have a few episodes.
• 19:11
  There's one on energetic boundaries.
• 19:13
  And then also one on, boundaries as a highly sensitive person.
• 19:16
  I will link those in the show notes.
• 19:17
  You can go and check those out.
• 19:19
  but let me just give you some examples around how you can set boundaries around your emotional well being.
• 19:25
  When you are setting boundaries around your emotional wellbeing, it looks like being responsible for your own emotions by determining what it is that you need in order to create that emotional safety for you.
• 19:37
  Okay.
• 19:38
  You are owning your own emotional safety and taking steps to keep yourself safe.
• 19:43
  You're not making it somebody else's job.
• 19:44
  You're not handing over the reins to them.
• 19:46
  You are being responsible for you.
• 19:48
  So some examples of emotional boundaries might be saying something like I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now.
• 19:54
  So I'm going to take a 20 minute walk outside.
• 19:56
  I'm feeling angry.
• 19:57
  So I'm going to go and work it out in the gym and then I'll come back.
• 20:01
  Or maybe you might say I'm feeling unseen right now.
• 20:03
  So I'm going to go and journal for a while to gain some clarity around this and when I'm done, I would love to continue the conversation.
• 20:11
  Another example might be when you greet me with anger and accusations when I get home from work, I don't feel safe.
• 20:17
  So I'm going to do what it is that I need to do to create safety for myself while we both calm down.
• 20:23
  This is what it looks like to be proactive about regulating your own emotions while also giving the other person permission to do the same thing.
• 20:33
  None of those statements that I just said, we're trying to control how the other person was feeling or how they express their emotions.
• 20:38
  They get to choose how to do that.
• 20:40
  They get to figure that out.
• 20:42
  Setting emotional boundaries is all about you and what you are going to do to create that emotional safety for you.
• 20:49
  So let them feel their feelings and give yourself permission to do the same.
• 20:55
  It is not up to them to maintain your emotional boundaries.
• 20:59
  It is up to you.
• 21:00
  It is your job to regulate your own emotions.
• 21:03
  Not others.
• 21:05
  We might think that requesting that others ask for consent that by doing that, that we can avoid experiencing a negative emotion.
• 21:11
  But when we do that, we're actually giving the other person all of the power over our own emotional response, or our own emotional reactions.
• 21:19
  And as evidenced by our hoping that they would do things differently, we don't actually even like how they're currently showing up and navigating their own emotions.
• 21:26
  So why would we give them power over our emotions?
• 21:31
  So practice allowing for emotion, practice, allowing for your own emotions, practice, allowing for other people's emotions and learn how to address it in a more productive way.
• 21:41
  Again, we learn through the doing, it may feel a little uncomfortable.
• 21:45
  If you want to work with a coach common work with me, I would love to work with you.
• 21:48
  But we learn through the doing so love yourself enough and love those in your life enough to allow everybody to have that experience of learning, how to navigate their emotions on their own.
• 21:58
  All right.
• 21:59
  In summary, number one, other people can't make you upset unless you let them.
• 22:03
  Number two, learn to distinguish between your emotions and other people's emotions.
• 22:08
  Don't over own theirs, but do own your own emotions.
• 22:12
  Number three, take 90 seconds to feel and process those emotions in the body.
• 22:17
  And number four, set boundaries,that honor, your emotions, and helps to create that emotional safety.
• 22:24
  For you.
• 22:25
  'All right.
• 22:26
  So if this was helpful, comp would work with me.
• 22:28
  I would love to work with you.
• 22:29
  My schedule for this month is filling up quickly and space is limited.
• 22:33
  So if you want to get started this month on one-on-one coaching, click the link in the show notes below.
• 22:38
  otherwise you may be wait-listed but yeah.
• 22:40
  Check it out.
• 22:40
  I would love to work with you right now I'm offering six week packages.
• 22:44
  And I think you're going to be really surprised by how much we can accomplish in just six weeks together.
• 22:49
  Also, if you are enjoying this podcast, please leave me a comment or a review.
• 22:53
  It really does give me a boost in the algorithm so I can help more people like you.
• 22:58
  All right.
• 22:58
  Well, thank you so much for being here and I'll see you next week.
• 23:00
  Bye now