Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / 3 Tests An Avoidant Ex Will Give You Before Coming Back (Don't Fail)

Transcript

3 Tests An Avoidant Ex Will Give You Before Coming Back (Don't Fail) · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  When an avoidant wants to come back, they're not just going to
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  show up at your door or tell you directly.
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  That's because avoidance are prideful, cautious, and careful,
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  so they're going to test you in quiet, strategic ways.
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  With avoidance, it's always about strategy and you won't
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  even know that you're being tested.
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  The tests are meant to reassure them that if they do come back,
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  they're not going to lose themselves again.
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  So today I'm going to discuss the three tests that your
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  avoidant ex will use before coming back and how to make sure
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  that you do not fail them. So stay tuned.
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  But first, welcome back to my beautiful no contact Army.
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  This is the general of the No Contact Army, Lucia with the art
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  of love. And have you been a good little
• 1:00
  soldier? If you have, then you've
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  downloaded my app Silencio to help you stay in No contact.
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  The link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  And if you too would like to join our army, all you have to
• 1:11
  do is hit the subscribe button and the bell notification and
• 1:15
  you're in. And to read our manual, go to
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  nocontactsecrets.com where you can read 2 free chapters before
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  you purchase the book. So before I tell you what the
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  three tests are, I want to talk about why avoidance even test
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  you in the 1st place. So they're not testing you
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  because they're cruel or they want to hurt you.
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  They're doing it because they're scared of needing someone.
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  They're terrified of being seen and rejected and of losing
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  control of their emotions. So every move that they make
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  during this stage is an attempt to see whether you can handle
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  their fears. And if you can, you're actually
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  going to help rewire their nervous system to see that love
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  can actually feel safe. So the tests aren't about power,
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  they're about safety. Without knowing it, they're
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  actually looking for a stable anchor since their childhood was
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  so unstable. So the first Test is that
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  they'll want to see if you're still emotionally available for
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  them without risking rejection. They want to know if you're
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  still waiting and if you've been affected by the silence.
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  They want to confirm that you haven't moved on so that they
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  can feel safe that you're still there as an option.
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  As usual, the best way to pass this test is to do absolutely
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  nothing. Don't chase them.
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  Don't post anything that they could think is aimed at them.
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  Don't start liking their posts back when they start liking
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  yours. That is not how you're going to
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  get them back. Avoidance want both emotional
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  safety and challenge. And most of y'all you just give
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  emotional safety without the challenge.
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  They need both. So when you don't jump just
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  because all of a sudden they pop back up, they'll question the
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  story they had told themselves that you would always be there.
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  And that's when they're anxious sidekicks in, if they're a
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  fearful avoidant or an anxious avoidant, and they'll wonder if
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  they lost you for good. And that fear is what ignites
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  their pursuit. So you pass the first Test by
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  doing nothing through silence and self respect.
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  The next test is the vulnerability test.
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  Once they see that you're calm and you're not chasing them and
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  I'm talking to you guys with an anxious attachment style,
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  they'll send a surface level text such as how have you been
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  doing? What they're doing is gauging
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  your energy. They're looking for emotional
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  clues. Are you mad cold, super excited
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  to hear from them. If you're angry or needy,
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  they're going to back away. If they sense that it's OK,
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  they'll share something a bit deeper like I've been thinking a
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  lot about the past or I missed you.
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  And if you rush in to reassure them by saying something like,
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  well, we could have made it work, or I miss you too, believe
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  it or not, they're going to feel pressured.
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  So you want to respond with something like, well, what have
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  you been thinking? And this works because it's
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  neutral but curious. You're not cold, but you're also
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  not giving them emotional reassurance.
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  And that forces them to clarify their intent.
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  You're not matching their vulnerability or nostalgia that
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  way. If they're fishing for
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  validation, they're going to stay vague and just say oh
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  memories. If they're more introspective,
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  they'll open up and say something like, well I realize I
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  didn't handle things right. Either way, you get information
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  without giving up power. If they say I miss you, it could
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  mean several things. It could mean I'm lonely and
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  need comfort. I miss how you made me feel or
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  I've reflected and actually want to rebuild.
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  And you can respond with, well, what is it exactly that you
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  missed? And if they say you, you can
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  follow up with what about me? Are they going to say something
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  emotionally lazy like your smile or emotionally accountable, like
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  the way you made me feel safe even when I didn't deserve it.
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  So you'll basically know which version of them you're dealing
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  with and you can respond with I miss the good parts too, but
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  that alone doesn't fix what went wrong.
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  That way you acknowledge their emotion, but you're keeping
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  reality front and center. And absolutely do not respond
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  with I miss you too because now you're rewarding nostalgia
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  instead of accountability. And don't ask why because that
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  puts you into the interrogator role and that will trigger their
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  defensiveness. When an avoidance says I miss
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  you, that is not the finish line.
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  It's a test. So your goal is to respond in a
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  way that makes them reveal their intentions.
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  If they can go deeper, there's potential.
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  If they stay surface level, you've got your answer without
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  giving anything away. So with this test, they're
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  subconsciously checking if they can be open with you without
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  feeling trapped. The more composed you are and
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  show emotional self-control, the more their defenses melt.
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  When you show that you can handle closeness without
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  creating chaos, then they can't help but feel closer because
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  they feel safe with you. So this test is passed through
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  emotional composure and the last Test is reconnection.
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  They'll want to keep in touch and meet up, but they're not
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  going to come right out and say that they want to get back
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  together. And this is their way of
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  cautiously checking to see if you're going to trigger them
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  again. So during this test, they're
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  looking to see how you react to inconsistency.
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  And if you hadn't already figured it out, avoidance are
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  not consistent, especially fearful avoidant.
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  So the key to dealing with an avoidant is to understand this.
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  That way you won't be thrown off with the hot and cold and the
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  push and pull. And if anything, you'll come to
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  expect it. So during this test, if you're
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  demanding clarity or asking a lot of questions, you're going
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  to fail the test. You disarm their fear by staying
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  calm and grounded, which is often hard to do if you have an
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  anxious attachment style. Which is why I always suggest
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  that if you're in no contact with an avoidant, you should be
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  working on yourself. And I always suggest the book
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  Anxiously Attached, and the link to that is underneath this
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  video. So something amazing happens
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  when you pass all three tests. The avoidance stops pulling
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  away. Hallelujah, stops being hot and
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  cold. Because the number one thing
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  avoidance need and want is someone who's consistent.
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  Yes, I know, even though they're not consistent.
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  So avoidance. Don't believe promises, they
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  believe patterns. When you consistently show that
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  you can remain calm, have emotional mastery, and can love
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  them without losing yourself, they'll realize your loved won't
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  threaten their freedom. And they'll understand that
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  committing to you means that they finally found the peace
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  that they've been so desperately looking for.
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  And if you're one of those people who wants to make a
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  snarky remark in the comments such as oh this is too much
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  work, avoid the avoidance run from these people, then go away
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  and stop watching videos on getting an avoidant X back.
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  If you're so done with them as you would like to have us all
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  believe, then why are you taking the time to not only watch a
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  video on avoidance, but to also leave a negative comment about
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  them? So go away and date an anxious
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  or secure. If you don't want to have
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  emotional mastery then you should not date an avoidant.
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  OK so now I want to hear from the rest of you.
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  Has your ex tried any of these tests on you and what happened?
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  And in the meantime, if you would like my help to get your
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  ex back you can contact me at theartoflove.net/coaching and we
• 9:51
  will send you the rates. They are not on the website and
• 9:54
  the link to that is underneath every single video and podcast.
• 9:57
  If you found this video helpful, be sure to subscribe so you
• 9:59
  don't miss out on future videos. If you're listening to this as a
• 10:04
  podcast, then you can also subscribe to Not Miss Future
• 10:07
  Podcasts. And finally, remember love
• 10:09
  inspires and powers of lives and enlightens.