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36 | Why Rest Feels Wrong, Even When You're Exhausted... · The Messy Middle Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Messy Middle, the podcast for women navigating the raw, confusing, lonely aftermath of narcissistic abuse and emotional control.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Erica Leon, trauma-informed abuse recovery coach, mom of five, and creator of the six keys to unfuckwithable.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're picking up the pieces, questioning everything, and trying to remember who the fuck you were before you were so carefully erased, you're in the right place.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hello there everyone.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad to have you here with me.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is about why rest feels wrong, even when you're exhausted.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: I bet a lot of you out there can relate to this.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: So let's get into it.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you've ever sat down and stood back up again about 30 seconds later, have you ever done that?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Not because anybody really asked you to, or there was some kind of emergency, but you remembered something, or thought of something, or suddenly just decided, I'll just do that quickly first.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: And have you also noticed that there tends to always be one more thing?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is making me laugh at myself, by the way, because it's ridiculous.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: One more email.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Always one more thing.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: One more cupboard or message or phone call or load of laundry or thing to organise, thing to remember.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: One more thing before you're quote unquote allowed to stop.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And then we wander around like be in a tin, but thinking, why am I absolutely fucking shattered?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I so exhausted?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe the better question is when exactly was I planning to let myself stop?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And this has been something that's been bugging me and I have been noticing for so many years.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna try to keep off my rant path about how inequitable these systems are, which lead women to be doing all the things.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: I said I'll try.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if it will happen, but I'll try.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Women I talk to don't always tell me straight up they don't know how to rest.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, they might say stuff like, Oh, I just can't switch off, or I feel guilty if I sit down, or I always feel like I should be doing something.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And even when you're watching TV, you're thinking about what you should be doing instead.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Does that happen to you?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Because it sure happens to me.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe you're supposedly relaxing and simultaneously making a mental shopping list, planning what's happening tomorrow, remembering someone's birthday, wondering whether you've replied to that fucking email, thinking about the washing, crikey, and feeling vaguely guilty all the time for not getting up and doing something productive.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not very restful, is it?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Does it sound restful?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Does it feel restful?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Your body might be on the sofa, but your nervous system is still clocked in and on high alert.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I hear a lot of bullshit out there in the media.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, women struggle with resting, do they?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Do they?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: I think they might struggle with resting without seemingly having earned it, and that's not an us thing, that's a systemic thing, and those are different.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that rest wasn't something we were entitled to, it was a reward.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Something that came after, after you've done everything, after everybody else, after you've done everything for them, after the chores or work, after being useful, after proving ourselves, after we've been productive enough.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And if there's always something left to do, then there's always another reason not to stop, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: And that is socialization.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I do not believe men and women, at least when I was growing up, were socialized the same in that respect.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And have you ever noticed that if someone else is tired, you're probably really compassionate and alert to that.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: You tell them to sit down, take a break, or go get them something.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: You've done enough, or laundry can wait.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: But when it's you, the rules are completely different.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Suddenly your brain is like the world's strictest manager.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: You've hardly done anything today.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: You can't sit down yet.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Look at the state of the house, or you've wasted the whole morning.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Get up, be useful, stop being lazy.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And isn't that fascinating?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Same human body, just a completely different rule book for them as regards to you.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Different compassion for them as regards to you.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what I want to delve into a little bit today.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's not necessarily why you're tired, but who taught you that you had to earn the right to rest in the first place?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I think any woman who's of any kind of age understands why they're freaking tired.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: And might even understand the greater structural problem we're in where we are expected to do so much more.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: But can I ask you something for real?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: And at the risk of going into a a Barbie movie diatribe here, I genuinely want you to think about when exactly do women become enough.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I really do want you to think about that.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: At what age is it, do you think?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or milestone or achievement or or anything.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because from where I'm sitting here at my old age, it seems like we've been sold a finish line that just keeps moving.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because if I think back to when I was little, it was like a you've got to be a good girl.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be too loud or difficult.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to share nicely, you've got to smile, you've got to say thank you.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: You don't necessarily have to answer back.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: When you're a teenager, there's a whole different slew of things you have to be.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty, not vain or attractive, but don't lead them on.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: Clever, but don't be too clever that intimidates someone, and then you become an adult, you build a career, maybe, or if you do, don't neglect your family.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: You have children, but don't lose yourself, stay attractive.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Age, but don't age.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Don't get wrinkles.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: God forbid you should put on weight.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Don't quote unquote let yourself go.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, if I ever had the misfortune to hear that out loud again on moms when they've had babies that they're almost exclusively doing the care for, by the way, and managing everything else to say that they've let themselves go.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: I will throat punch a motherfucker.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I cannot stand it.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: How about systems help us?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: How about the people in our lives, namely our male partners, step up and take away some of that labor so we can do things?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a freaking self-care to be able to have a shower, you idiot.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: You should be doing shit around the house.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying not to go on a rant, but you know, they don't want us to look tired.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Heaven forbid.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Don't be emotional, but don't be cold, don't be needy, don't be too independent.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, it's fucking exhausting.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Just saying it all out loud makes it seem how ridiculous it actually is.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because when exactly do we arrive at this ridiculous finish line?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: When is someone gonna finally tap us on the shoulder and it'll probably be a man and say, right then, you've done enough now.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: That ain't happening.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: You can stop proving yourself.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Here you go, you can just simply be.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody does.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: The list just changes.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: This is why I love older women so much, and lately how we're just refusing all of this nonsense.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I actually love it.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's the future.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think most women are taught that their worth came from achievement necessarily, you know, not in the sense that patriarchy teaches men that heavy that they have to be successful, and they've since turned it into women want these things, but actually it's patriarchy that demands these things.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: It comes from a certain career milestones and having a certain amount of money.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think for us it goes in a different direction and probably deeper.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think many of us were taught that our worth comes from performance.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: Achievement is just one performance.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Being the perfect daughter is another, being the perfect wife or mom, or woman who remembers everything, who keeps everyone happy, who never complains, the woman who somehow holds the whole bloody world together while she's falling apart inside, and that's performing also.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: We have been performing for so long, and when that happens, rest starts to feel very wrong, and it is not, and I repeat, not because your body doesn't need it.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I constantly meet women every day who really need to rest, but it is not forthcoming for them.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Your body does need it.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's because it interrupts the performance, this thought of having a rest without it.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you if you're not useful?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you if nobody needs you for five minutes?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you if the kitchen isn't spotless, or the emails aren't answered, the kids are fine?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Can you just simply sit there without immediately trying to justify why?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a much harder question than it sounds.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I always smile and roll my eyes real hard when people say women just need better self-care.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: The fuck we do.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I think rather we need a system that doesn't exhaust and expect our invisible labour to survive and yet we're not compensated for it.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: I preface this all by saying, it seems obvious to me at my grown age, and the statistics back it up, that women do the lion's share of that invisible labor in the home, childcare.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Even when they have an equal amount of work outside the home.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Both the husband and the wife have jobs, men enjoy three hours more leisure time a week than their female counterparts.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that gap gets even bigger when both are working parents.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Huh?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that insane?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: What a great scheme to get all of this for free, but sell the bullshit lie back to us that it's us who lack the skills to properly manage the stress of that.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: No shit, we can't relax.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Do you think we need permission to stop auditioning for our worth?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's really what it feels like.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I think if you're looking at the first idea that we don't know how to do self-care, that's them selling our scented candles.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: But the other one, when we're actually asking ourselves, and I think this is how the conversation should change: do we need permission to stop just stop auditioning for our own worth?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: That is more of a life-changing conversation, and that's something we need.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: We need that more than the next scented candle.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: This is not really about bubble boss either, what I'm talking about here.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think that is another way that it's really minimized what is actually happening behind the scenes.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's really exploitation of our invisible labour.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's about really believing that your existence has value, even when, hear me now, you're not producing something.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because I can't help but think about in the it really wasn't that long ago when you think about it.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Women would get out before their husbands, not because they were going anywhere, they just didn't want to be seen without their makeup and hair done already, looking ready, ready for inspection from the man, ready for approval, ready for another day of performing.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Heaven forbid you should wake up with shitty hair and morning breath.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine never even feeling entitled to wake up in your own face.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And if that doesn't tell you something about the conditioning women have lived under, I don't know what does.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: We have been taught forever to curate ourselves before we even have the first cup of tea or coffee.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then when many of us become mothers, now the performance gets another promotion.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Suddenly you're expected to remember everything permission slips, school slips, doctor's appointments, birthdays, snacks, football practice, Christmas presents, dogs, fucking vaccinations, the washing, the shopping, the emotional temperature of the entire household.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: And this is even without walking on eggshells around an emotionally immature man baby who could explode at any minute, which so many women I work with have, by the way.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's such a common story in between the four walls of so many homes.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you become the keeper of everyone else's lives.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you know that feeling you get that you haven't sat down all day?
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: If you really examine what physically you've been doing, I don't think it's like you're a bee in a tin necessarily, physically sprinting around the house for 12 hours straight.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's that your brain hasn't sat down, it's been carrying everyone, thinking for everyone, remembering for everyone, planning for everyone, anticipating everyone's needs before they've even come up.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's that always on vigilance.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: It's fucking exhausting.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's cognitive load.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it is a nervous system nightmare that will eventually fry all of our circuits.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's more like a nervous system that has been trained to believe if I don't keep all these plates spinning, something bad will definitely happen.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: And then we're surprised when women are exhausted.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: We're surprised when they're anxious.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: And call them hysterical, mind you.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: We're surprised that she doesn't know what she wants anymore.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, and surprised that she has no libido.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's turned into your mom and she's been the family manager, the emotional regulator, the organizer, planner, memory bank.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: And somewhere along the way, she's become responsible for another grown adult's emotional comfort as well.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, that's really sexy.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not criticizing every relationship here.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: I know there are vastly different ones out there, but I cannot ignore the data.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: And if you spend all day being everyone else's safety net, it's really difficult to just suddenly switch into desire, especially for one of the people who is actually contributing likely to more than their fair share of your stress.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: And if responsibility has become your whole identity, your nervous system rarely is going to get the message that it's finally safe to put the clipboard down.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: And this bit really pisses me off, actually.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think women have just been taught to earn success.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think we've been taught to earn the right to even exist comfortably, to sit down, to buy ourselves something nice, or say no, or disappoint somebody, or ask for help, and to do absolutely nothing without explaining why.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: This is a concept I think younger women really understand better than us who are definitely over the age of consent.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: And no wonder rest feels uncomfortable to us.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: It is not because you're lazy, by the way.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's as always your nervous system learned that usefulness kept you safe.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: And if usefulness kept you safe, then stopping is going to feel very dangerous.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: I think one of the greatest acts of healing, you know, I hate that word, isn't becoming more productive.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's not becoming more disciplined either.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're brilliant at that.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about squeezing another 20 minutes out of your day.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think one of the bravest things we can do is to stop treating yourself like a project that constantly needs improving.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: And just think about it for a second.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think so many of us have lived with this quiet feeling that we're almost enough, you know, almost healed, almost pretty enough, organized, successful enough, patient enough, almost, almost, almost.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_01: As though there's some imaginary version of ourselves that just looms over the horizon.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_01: And if we could just get there, then we'd finally deserve to relax.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: And that day really doesn't come.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because when your worth has become conditional upon that, there is always another condition.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder, I really do.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: How many women might be listening to this and thinking, I'll rest when?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or I can step back a bit when maybe when the kids are older, or when so and so goes to college, I'll rest when work calms down, when I've finished decorating, or when I've lost weight, or after Christmas, or after the divorce, or I'll rest after I've got through this busy patch.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: And there's always another after.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Have you noticed that?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually years have gone by, and it's not because you didn't deserve to rest all that time at all.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's just we just keep postponing the permission.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe your nervous system isn't asking actually, Am I tired?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: It might be asking, Have I earned it yet?
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: That's a really heartbreaking question.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the answer keeps changing.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Today it might be the washing, tomorrow it might be work, next day it's someone else's needs or some kind of emergency, fire alarm fire that you need to attend in someone else's life.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's always one more thing standing between you and that simple act of sitting the fuck down without guilt.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: Or doing something that really lights you up creatively and gives your nervous system a feeling of rest.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: And the older I get, the more suspicious I become of anything that tells women their value lies in what they produce.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: Whether that's money, motherhood, beauty, achievement, being endlessly available, being like the soft landing for someone, being endlessly accommodating, being endlessly selfless, fuck that.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's all the same message, wearing different clothes.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's earn your place, prove your worth, keep performing.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I just don't buy it anymore.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: I refuse.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: Because I have sat with far too many extraordinary women who spent decades earning and still don't feel enough.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that tells me that the problem was never them, the problem was the rules.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that healing that word isn't learning how to do more.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: I know that.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: It is not.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes in the really tough times, yes, you're gonna have to push through.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have to do hard things that you feel like you can't do and you don't have the capacity for.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's not really what I'm talking about.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: But I think the greater act of if you want to call it self-love, I would call it radical necessity is slowly giving yourself permission.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: You need less proof for any fucker that's telling you, less proof that you're good enough.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: Let's prove that you've worked hard enough.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: Let's prove that you've sacrificed enough or that you're useful enough.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the kindest things you can say to yourself is I don't have to earn shit today.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to earn this rest today.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Not forever, if it's really uncomfortable at first, I get it, but just today, say I don't have to audition, I don't have to justify sitting down with a cup of tea, for goodness sake, or coffee or anything else you like, even if it's alcoholic, I don't give a fuck you go to you.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have to explain why I'm tired.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Being alive is enough.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: I deserve rest because being alive is a lot.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: And can you imagine how different your nervous system would feel if it genuinely believed that?
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you genuinely believed it, and here is what I think, I think you were never put on this earth to spend your entire life proving you deserved to be here.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you were never meant to carry everyone or remember everything and anticipate everything and manage everyone else's emotions, and then apologize because you're exhausted.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Ironically, it will likely be you that feels like the failure rather than this lopsided fucked up system we exist in.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: It is again our conditioning and the huge weight that we are carrying.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's conditioning, and conditioning can change.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Slowly, maybe gently, maybe, one little act of permission at a time.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think the goal was to become a woman who never does anything for anyone else far.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: From it, actually.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: I think the more we aren't overstretched and exhausted, the more capacity and energy we have to care about other people and put that into action.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not who you are either, likely.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's not who I am, I know that.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: And the goal is just really that your kindness towards other people stops costing you kindness towards yourself.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's a very different perspective lens of life.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: One where you can love deeply without disappearing.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: You can give generously when you want to do that without becoming empty yourself.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: And you can just rest without putting yourself on trial.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: And perhaps that's what self-trust should be about.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_01: Not trusting yourself to do more, but trusting yourself to believe that you were enough before you did anything at all.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: And before you rush off and do your next thing, before you go.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: I know your brain probably already has a list as long as your arm.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: But I'd love you to try.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like we try and do one little experiment or little practice.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: So here's the one for this episode.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: Choose 10 minutes, just 10.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: No phone, no folding washing while you're listening to a podcast.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: We love those multitasking things, and I do love that also.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: But this is an experiment.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: No answering emails, or I'll just quickly.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: I just want you to sit for 10 minutes with a beverage of your choice.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: Look out of the window or sit in the garden or stroke the dog.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_01: Generally doesn't matter what, but just sit and be present in the nothingness of anything you have to do.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: Not scrolling, by the way, on your phone.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: Just sit.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: I like to sit with coffee in the garden and just look around at everything.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Notice everything.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: I do really think that when you look around, you don't realize how much your brain is wandering to other things rather than actually noticing your surroundings.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: If you look at all of the plants and you look at the insects and you look at the things that are just happening around you in a garden or even if you're in a city, really notice your surroundings instead of thinking about other things while you scan your environment.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: And don't pay attention to whether you relax or not, but pay attention to what happens first.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: What's the very first thought your mind offers you?
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: You should get up, maybe this is a waste of time, or you've got too much to do, you can rest later, or you're being lazy.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: Don't argue with it, don't try and replace it with anything positive, just notice it because that voice will tell you quite a lot about your conditioning.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about your character, it's literally about your conditioning.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: And once you hear it, you can then decide whether it still gets to write the rules that you live by.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: So this 10 minutes can just be.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: I will wrap it up and stop yapping.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: Please let me know how you get on with this.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: I love reading your feedback to how these exercises have played out with each of your individual situations.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if today's episode left you thinking, fuck, that sounds like me.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I want you to know you're in very good company, by the way.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's likely about your nervous system that's forgotten that rest can be safe.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I do have resources for that.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_01: I've left the details in the show notes because my Somatic Keys workshop does actually teach you frame by frame, step by step, how to help your body experience what safety feels like through many of the challenges you have of either being in abusive or controlling relationships and recovering from that.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because understanding safety in your head is one thing, but you have to feel it in your body, and that's what makes the biggest change.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you feel like any of that is interesting, it's all below in the show notes.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sending you so much love.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's been lovely to spend this time with you.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: And as always, if you have questions for me you want me to answer in a future episode, do use the address there provided.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: Lots of love.