Latest / Libido Lounge / Boyfriend Edition #4: Penis Pumps for ED, Do They Help? with Mike Kohl

Transcript

Boyfriend Edition #4: Penis Pumps for ED, Do They Help? with Mike Kohl · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  For many people, that's like that r rated movie as as as far as they get, as far as ever having
• 0:06
  any sense of what sex really looks like or, you know, the experience is like.
• 0:12
  I think it can really lead to some harm because, one, we go into things not knowing and
• 0:18
  two, we go into things if like a partner doesn't show up with the same expectations.
• 0:22
  Doing anything to please the man in the movie, it's kinda like the general theme, but the
• 0:29
  reciprocity was generally not there.
• 0:34
  There was a particular girl girl that I dated actually physically taught me and communicated
• 0:40
  exactly.
• 0:41
  I did not feel judged.
• 0:42
  I did not feel rejected.
• 0:44
  A lot of people think about this like being more common that the man's desire is higher
• 0:48
  than the woman's.
• 0:49
  It feels more like a a level of the feeling I guess is just like a sense of rejection, not
• 0:53
  feeling a priority.
• 0:54
  How can we be still be like physically intimate without so much of this on the table?
• 1:00
  Number one, find your love language.
• 1:02
  Number two
• 1:05
  Hey everybody.
• 1:05
  Welcome back to another episode on the Libido Lounge.
• 1:08
  I'm your host, doctor Diane, board certified sexologist.
• 1:12
  And I have with me again today another Boyfriend Edition.
• 1:17
  I have my partner, Mike, here in the studio with me today, and we have another juicy
• 1:23
  conversation for you.
• 1:24
  We're gonna talk today about porn, about the media, about the impact of this on sex life.
• 1:30
  We're gonna talk about communication and about what changes over the course of a lifetime
• 1:37
  between men and women and how to communicate better and not just expect that the other
• 1:42
  person knows.
• 1:44
  And we're gonna talk a little bit about desire mismatch and mismatched libidos and wherever
• 1:48
  else our conversation goes today.
• 1:50
  So thanks again, my love, for being here with me.
• 1:53
  Looking forward to this.
• 1:55
  Yeah.
• 1:55
  Looking forward to another episode.
• 1:57
  So let's let's jump right in on this one.
• 2:00
  And and we were talking a little bit about this offline, the impacts of porn and the media on
• 2:07
  you and how that's influenced sex life, how that has influenced your expectations around
• 2:13
  sex.
• 2:14
  And, you know, I think it's a really important conversation because the earliest that most of
• 2:19
  us get exposed to anything is either through porn or through a magazine or through, you
• 2:26
  know, watching an r rated movie and seeing some sex scene for two seconds in the corner.
• 2:31
  For many people, that's like that r rated movie is is as far as they get, as far as ever having
• 2:37
  any sense of what sex really looks like or you know, the experience is like.
• 2:44
  So it's a really, I feel like it's a really important thing to dissect because oftentimes I
• 2:48
  think we go into these partnerships with this like kind of this tunnel vision of this is what
• 2:54
  sex is supposed to be like.
• 2:55
  This is what intimacy is supposed to be like.
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  This is what love is supposed to be like.
• 2:59
  And I think it can really lead to some harm because one, we go into things not knowing and
• 3:05
  two, we go into things if like a partner doesn't show up with the same expectations,
• 3:10
  there can be a huge disconnect and oftentimes not a huge desire or huge support in coming
• 3:17
  together and talking it.
• 3:19
  So that's why I think this is so important.
• 3:22
  But tell me, my love, how has porn or the movie industry, how has kind of like the socials, you
• 3:30
  you and I grew up way before social media was out.
• 3:33
  So how have, like, some of just, like, the the media in general impacted, especially in your
• 3:38
  earlier days, you know, any expectations or feelings you had around what sex should be
• 3:43
  like?
• 3:44
  Sure.
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  I think the biggest thing the first thing that comes to mind is the oversimplification of sex
• 3:51
  itself.
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  You you know, you show this there's a certain certain stages.
• 3:57
  I guess, I'm I'm remembering that certain movies, they show you how how easy things are
• 4:01
  and and how, in general, women should act in a different certain way to do anything to, you
• 4:08
  know, doing anything to please the man in the movie.
• 4:14
  It's kinda like the general theme, but the reciprocity was generally not there.
• 4:22
  And that kind of conditioned me a little bit especially through college where, you know,
• 4:29
  they would just take care of me, and I didn't really know what I was doing to do anything to
• 4:34
  take care of them.
• 4:36
  So that's part of my earlier experiences from media exposure and and and, you know, and
• 4:41
  especially in college.
• 4:43
  So it sounds like you were getting pleasured and you were not reciprocating pleasure back.
• 4:46
  Correct?
• 4:47
  Correct.
• 4:48
  Okay.
• 4:48
  And then so then, like, when did that change?
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  Because I think that's, like, such a, you know, such a common thing.
• 4:53
  Right?
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  Like, we just we don't even know if we don't know.
• 4:56
  So I imagine somebody came along the lines or something came along the lines as far as a
• 5:03
  movie or a person that made you think that maybe there was more to this.
• 5:08
  So what happened?
• 5:11
  So there was a particular girl girl that I dated actually physically taught me and
• 5:17
  communicated exactly, okay, you do it this way, put, you know, put it and explained exactly
• 5:23
  what you wanted.
• 5:25
  Oh, okay.
• 5:26
  And explained what was going through your head.
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  I'm like, oh, okay.
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  It's just there's a lot of little subtleties from that old partner.
• 5:34
  And it's funny when when that happened, I remember there were other past partners that
• 5:40
  tried.
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  She just didn't communicate as effectively as the the one partner in my mid mid twenties or
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  so.
• 5:49
  That so that that was the biggest thing.
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  Basically, getting, like, an ed like, an education with somebody that actually would had
• 5:55
  a a stronger communication skill set?
• 5:59
  So I think there's a couple of things.
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  I mean, one, I have a question for you.
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  But two, I just wanna point this out because I think it's such an important thing to point
• 6:05
  out, which is I think it's so common that we go into relationships and we just expect the other
• 6:12
  person to know.
• 6:14
  And it's so and it happens I feel like like in so many different ways, right?
• 6:20
  It's not just sex, it's like it's so many different ways, but sex is the main way it
• 6:23
  happens.
• 6:25
  And so and then the other thing that I think happens a lot is I think just because we learn
• 6:30
  from one partner, and you have this amazing partner that, you know, that told you some of
• 6:34
  these things, but then sometimes we then automatically like, you know, that levels us up
• 6:38
  with skills and techniques.
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  But I think as humans, it is really common for us to take like what we've learned from one
• 6:42
  partner and bring it into the next relationship and say, oh, well, this works in this other
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  way, so it's gonna probably work here too, without checking in.
• 6:52
  So this is another area where I just, I think it's essential that, yeah, it's like we're
• 6:56
  learning techniques, we're also communicating with our partner and saying like, okay, well, I
• 6:59
  learned these things, I know these things and maybe they translate, maybe your body responds
• 7:05
  to them and maybe not or maybe your body responds to them today and tomorrow it's not
• 7:09
  going to be.
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  So just that open line of communication.
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  I'm curious though just because I think people are you know listening probably and wondering
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  was there anything from, and I know this was so long ago, so it's okay if you don't remember,
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  but is there anything that you can remember more specifically that was like when you're
• 7:27
  saying, oh, other girls try to explain things and this other partner did a better job, you
• 7:33
  remember any specifics around, like, was it how was she was just more specific with the
• 7:38
  details?
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  Or
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  Sure.
• 7:43
  Absolutely.
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  The so when you're in college, it's just kinda just kinda just, I'd imagine, your but
• 7:48
  communication is just not at that that I remember exactly what would be inside, but the
• 7:52
  the partner that actually explained it, yes, more in detail, taking more time.
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  It was a manual simulation.
• 8:01
  Here's how you do it.
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  Here's how you place your hand.
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  Now in a good letter, here's the okay.
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  Now do it this time.
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  Now do the with very specific patient.
• 8:11
  And another that I remember is that is the, we call it, the acceptance that this is just we're
• 8:19
  in this together.
• 8:20
  That that kind of the sense that I had at that for that particular partner.
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  And I did not feel judged.
• 8:26
  I did not feel rejected.
• 8:27
  And even though was doing it wrong, it's just an experience, and here's how I can help you.
• 8:33
  That that was the sentiment that I was getting that actually made a difference for me to
• 8:39
  actually start start giving pleasure.
• 8:41
  So that's that's it.
• 8:43
  And you said something here that I think is super important, is doing it wrong because I
• 8:47
  think so many times in these scenarios, it's so easy, like, at any stage of a relationship to
• 8:54
  be like, oh, you're doing it wrong.
• 8:56
  Right?
• 8:56
  It's like that's that's oftentimes think as humans, we have this motivation to improve and
• 9:02
  to grow and sometimes to point things out like that.
• 9:06
  So was it just like when from what you remember when like since she made you feel like, oh,
• 9:13
  there was never that sense of doing it wrong, was it as simple as just, like, never saying
• 9:18
  that?
• 9:18
  Was this was it more around how much she focused just on, like, just, like, the
• 9:22
  techniques and how to move forward?
• 9:24
  Do you do you remember, like, why you did not feel like or what she was doing that made it
• 9:29
  not be communicated that you were doing it wrong?
• 9:33
  So what would be what was being communicated that was not to could you rephrase the
• 9:37
  question?
• 9:37
  I'm trying to
• 9:38
  Yeah.
• 9:38
  So so what I'm saying is that it's so I think it's so easy for any time we're constructing
• 9:45
  this since we're giving somebody feedback for the interpretation to be doing it wrong.
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  Right.
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  Right?
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  And you said she didn't make you feel that way.
• 9:55
  So I'm just wondering if, like, you can remember specifics in the delivery of, like,
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  beyond what you said that maybe led to not taking away that sort of feeling of doing it
• 10:05
  wrong.
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  Does that make sense?
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  Yeah.
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  It's a basic way she do to make me feel good about it?
• 10:09
  Yeah.
• 10:10
  Yeah.
• 10:10
  Yeah.
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  Being patient.
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  I just remember the sense of patience and just not not judging me for what whatever I was not
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  doing correctly or or whatever it was.
• 10:26
  I did not feel I was being judged.
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  It was just taking the time, being patient, and just working with it.
• 10:35
  And and if I was not doing it correctly, it was she was self correct.
• 10:40
  And if I well, not self correct.
• 10:41
  She would touch she would adjust the point, you know, tell me where to put my where where to
• 10:45
  put my hand or what what whatnot.
• 10:46
  So it's really the attitude, the emotional like, the the partner was very very, very it
• 10:56
  was playful, and the the connection that we have was was strong.
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  It was one of the better probably the first strong communicated partner I had with that
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  one.
• 11:06
  So that's kinda, like, what led to helping me to, okay, understand the psychology of it or
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  understand the the push pull of what what you need at certain moments in time.
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  Okay?
• 11:17
  And then you start picking on.
• 11:19
  Okay.
• 11:19
  They see it you know, step one.
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  And then step two, okay, we we can move to step three.
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  And that kind of so basically, go ahead.
• 11:28
  Oh, just the personality with that and with patience.
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  Okay.
• 11:32
  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
• 11:33
  It's helpful.
• 11:33
  I mean, I think the idea here is you said something earlier also about, like, being on
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  the same team.
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  Right?
• 11:39
  Like, felt like I think you said, like, you were in it together was how you said it.
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  Right?
• 11:42
  So it's like being on the same team, being in that scenario where it's like, oh, this is just
• 11:47
  something we're exploring together and not making another story about that.
• 11:53
  Right?
• 11:54
  Yeah.
• 11:55
  And it also sounds like the feedback was like like, was it talked about much like prior or
• 12:02
  was it more like, let's get into this and let's just kinda give you feedback as as you go?
• 12:08
  And I I'm being very specific here just because I think this is super useful to to people from
• 12:12
  a, you know, a real life example on like how does the communication around improving a
• 12:18
  technique or changing a technique or just asking for something different is done in real
• 12:23
  time.
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  So yeah.
• 12:25
  So was it, like, beforehand, before and during?
• 12:28
  Like like, how did the, like, the you know, walk us through kind of, like, that step step.
• 12:32
  Twenty
• 12:34
  five years ago.
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  But Yes.
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  What I do remember is expressed ahead of time, you know, before like, before or after an
• 12:45
  engagement.
• 12:45
  Like, just kinda explaining, oh, by the way, you know, here's what I need.
• 12:49
  Here, just kinda we're gonna work I'm gonna work you through it a little bit here.
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  Okay.
• 12:53
  So the next time we actually start getting into the lovemaking session, then that's what she
• 12:59
  would bring up in real time exactly what she wanted.
• 13:02
  So it's really both and trying to, like no.
• 13:05
  It's I think it's you that's what I'm trying to say is that was the first partner that actually
• 13:10
  had a strong communication skills that actually helped me grow as a human type of growth or a
• 13:16
  partner, so to speak, and taking that like, who's just like you were saying, I don't I'm
• 13:22
  kinda going off tangent, when you start getting a positive experience from one person, it can
• 13:27
  kinda it can it can it can compound the other, but it's not but each partner had may have
• 13:32
  different needs.
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  So that was the first one.
• 13:35
  Okay.
• 13:35
  I realized this is how it works, and it was explained before and during.
• 13:40
  And and then the now remembering the after would always be like like a a gratitude, you
• 13:47
  know, like a good job, and then that kinda okay.
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  Reinforced reinforced.
• 13:51
  Okay.
• 13:51
  This is what I need to do.
• 13:53
  So that's both before, after, during.
• 13:56
  Yeah.
• 13:56
  That's really helpful.
• 13:57
  I was about to ask you another question around, like, what other effective techniques, like,
• 14:01
  would reinforce that.
• 14:02
  So it sounds like afterwards, it's, like, just a lot of gratitude.
• 14:06
  Afterwards, would you guys talk about, like, specific things from, oh, yeah.
• 14:10
  Was it gratitude in like kind of a broad way or did you find like there was a level of
• 14:14
  gratitude around like even like specificity around like, oh, I'm super grateful you like
• 14:19
  did that one technique or you followed me well or like, do you remember that at all?
• 14:25
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• 14:32
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• 14:47
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  Well, I'm just thinking about I'm just thinking about just other partners that across the
• 18:29
  board, it's it's a mix of both.
• 18:33
  Meaning, just great job, and then you just know you got it.
• 18:37
  But if you can depend on the particular, what do call it, nuance to the technique, good job
• 18:47
  on doing it this specific way.
• 18:49
  That that happened from time to time, but from the past, but it's more a general gratitude.
• 18:54
  That's probably the most important thing because then it kinda reinforced the
• 18:59
  reinforcing what the behavior that you your your partner wants to get to.
• 19:04
  Yeah.
• 19:04
  Really helpful.
• 19:05
  Thank you.
• 19:05
  And moving on to another question on desire mismatch.
• 19:10
  So desire mismatch, and I think it's a it's a nice segue into this because with desire
• 19:15
  mismatch, it's always a conversation that needs to happen out of it.
• 19:20
  Right?
• 19:21
  So it's like any time that there's desire mismatch, and a lot of people think about this
• 19:25
  like being more common that the man's desire is higher than the woman's, but I've seen this go
• 19:30
  both ways.
• 19:30
  This can go either way, and the other thing is it can switch throughout life.
• 19:35
  It can be at one point, one person's desire is higher, another person's desire is higher.
• 19:41
  You know, and I know from some of your history you've had, you know, some partners with like
• 19:46
  varying degrees of desire.
• 19:49
  What do you think from a standpoint of desire mismatch when when you've had that in your life
• 19:55
  in a strong way, what do you think the impact on the relationship has been?
• 20:02
  It's all about how you handle the desire mismatch because that will that's just gonna
• 20:09
  happen.
• 20:10
  And if you can talk about it and communicate it in a way that, you know, hey.
• 20:15
  Okay.
• 20:15
  I'm not really feeling it tonight, and you kinda, like, almost there's just different
• 20:20
  levels here.
• 20:21
  The more you can the more you can communicate and read your partner's signals and or
• 20:27
  communicate how you're feeling at a certain point, hey.
• 20:29
  Babe, it's not happening or not happening tonight.
• 20:31
  And especially if it's date night or if it's ahead of time, you know, that would be helpful
• 20:37
  to kinda like, okay.
• 20:38
  What should be connection time?
• 20:39
  Which is so to to have the impact, what would you quite some time with, like, a specific
• 20:44
  question?
• 20:45
  I'm more like looking in and like you're you're answering a great question.
• 20:48
  I was actually gonna be my next question, but more from a standpoint of the true impact on
• 20:53
  the relationship.
• 20:54
  And let me give you a little context here because some of what I'm trying to get at is
• 20:58
  what happens when people just, like, have such desire mismatch that sex becomes, like,
• 21:03
  completely deprioritized.
• 21:05
  You know, so it's one thing I think with desire mismatch to be like, oh, like, okay, well maybe
• 21:09
  we have sex once or twice a week instead of every day.
• 21:12
  It's a very different desire mismatch than like, wow, somebody is like really into it and
• 21:17
  the other person's like, I could take it or leave it.
• 21:20
  Right?
• 21:20
  And so what I'm really trying to get at is like from a motivational standpoint, I find when
• 21:26
  people understand how important sex is to the relationship and, like, it's just kinda like
• 21:32
  going to the gym.
• 21:33
  Right?
• 21:33
  It's like a lot of people don't wake up and they decide, oh, I'm gonna be healthier.
• 21:37
  Like, okay.
• 21:38
  I'm, like, super excited to go to the gym.
• 21:40
  Like, you and I get excited to go to the gym because we prioritize it and it's a huge part
• 21:44
  of our our lifestyle.
• 21:46
  But when somebody is like doing a new gym workout, it's like not always like that
• 21:50
  motivating.
• 21:51
  It's gonna hurt, it's gonna be hard.
• 21:53
  We motivate ourselves by like, oh, I wanna be healthier, I wanna be fitter, I wanna be in
• 21:58
  less pain, I wanna live longer.
• 22:00
  So kind of the point of my question here is more from like a motivational standpoint around
• 22:05
  helping people understand like, okay, when we're in this desire mismatch, here's why it's
• 22:11
  an important thing to solve.
• 22:14
  Right?
• 22:14
  So that's why my question is like, okay, like, how have you seen desire mismatch when it's
• 22:20
  been really strong in relationships you've had?
• 22:23
  How have you seen that put challenges on on the relationship?
• 22:27
  And that's why I'm trying to help people see like, oh, okay.
• 22:30
  This is why it's an important thing to solve because this is you know, these are some of the
• 22:33
  things that it can these are some of the ways it can cause harm to the individual or the
• 22:38
  relationship.
• 22:39
  Sure.
• 22:40
  When sex is more more this important prioritized more frequently than another
• 22:48
  partner, then, yes, over time, it it absolutely, it's gonna be if if the if the
• 22:57
  partner did not how do I say it?
• 23:00
  There's a level of acceptance.
• 23:02
  Right?
• 23:02
  There's acceptance in trying to work with the problem.
• 23:04
  And then, okay, even though one partner may not feel it and be ready on a regular basis, what
• 23:10
  can you do to, you know, to get your needs met?
• 23:15
  Maybe it's more connection.
• 23:15
  Maybe it's more connection time.
• 23:17
  Maybe it's more touch time.
• 23:18
  Maybe it's more like, maybe it's just alternative ways to get orgasm.
• 23:22
  Maybe, like, you that I'm I'm getting off it.
• 23:25
  Like, if you
• 23:26
  Well, you're you're talking here,
• 23:28
  and these are good, but I wanna differentiate this.
• 23:30
  Like, what you're talking about right now are ways to handle it.
• 23:33
  Like, how do you navigate it.
• 23:35
  Right?
• 23:35
  Which is also, I think, really good talk about.
• 23:38
  Like, okay.
• 23:38
  Well, how do you handle it?
• 23:40
  But what about, like, what is like, the question is, like, back to the impact.
• 23:44
  What is the impact you find?
• 23:45
  Sure.
• 23:45
  I was just I mean, yes.
• 23:46
  Over time, it's a negative impact when if you are I'm trying to remember back in the day.
• 23:54
  Yes.
• 23:54
  If if the partner has a higher drive and want to have it and it's not being addressed, it's
• 23:59
  going to yes.
• 24:00
  A 100%.
• 24:01
  It's going to have an impact on the relationship, of course.
• 24:03
  I mean, you know, because if the the need being met, it feels more like a a level the feeling I
• 24:10
  got to just, like, a sense of rejection, a sense of not feeling a priority.
• 24:14
  That's kind of, like, how I would describe, like, not the the longer term impact.
• 24:19
  Is that what you remember feeling, like, the time that this happened?
• 24:21
  Been a long time.
• 24:22
  But, yeah, that's correct.
• 24:23
  Yeah.
• 24:23
  Yeah.
• 24:24
  So
• 24:25
  so rejection, not being prioritized, anything else from your memory?
• 24:31
  Not a whole lot.
• 24:36
  Just are just yeah.
• 24:39
  Not feeling that your needs are met.
• 24:41
  Not feeling that, you know, you're prioritized.
• 24:43
  Not feel I'm just trying to reiterate the same thing.
• 24:45
  Basically, over a long term now by first thought, I can't explain what the other person
• 24:50
  would feel, but if if it for the other person, they're trying to desire of intimacy has a
• 24:55
  higher priority than a higher sex to have more frequent desire higher desire for sex.
• 25:01
  If for the other person, I I'm trying to imagine what that would look like.
• 25:03
  But, yes, you know, it that person was not feeling getting the need met from a pleasure
• 25:09
  and or relationship.
• 25:10
  I can imagine totally, it would it would impact the relationship negatively, you know, over
• 25:14
  time.
• 25:15
  Then okay.
• 25:16
  So then so it sounds like the biggest things are just feeling, like, not valued, not
• 25:21
  prioritized, that sort of thing.
• 25:24
  Right?
• 25:24
  Correct.
• 25:24
  And then so when you, like, worked on handling that in the past when that's come up, it sounds
• 25:29
  like you've just done other creative ways of touch, other creative ways of being together.
• 25:35
  How have you like, when there was, like, a bigger and I again, we're going back through,
• 25:40
  the caves of mental history here.
• 25:42
  But when there was times where that desire mismatch was, say, stronger and you were maybe
• 25:47
  feeling more of this sense of, like, not being prioritized, would have other types of touch
• 25:52
  helped to make up for that?
• 25:54
  Like like, what would have happened?
• 25:56
  Like, was there ways of of doing that, or was it really have you gotten to a point ever, I
• 26:00
  guess, in your life where, like, that was the lack of sex was so impactful that that other
• 26:07
  types of touch would not have made up for it.
• 26:09
  Sure.
• 26:10
  Just to come back down to come to the love language, your like, the five love languages
• 26:15
  minus touch.
• 26:17
  Like, that word that word for me, touch would go a long way.
• 26:21
  That would have really helped address that, and it has.
• 26:25
  And for other couples, I'd imagine with their different, you know, love languages, doing
• 26:30
  other things to make sure that they feel that connection.
• 26:32
  Like, basically, sex is a way of connecting.
• 26:36
  And if you could really make them feel connected somehow and there are other ways of
• 26:41
  feeling loved, that is basically what I would say.
• 26:43
  The the the yeah.
• 26:46
  So touch touch to the answer to the question, yes.
• 26:49
  Touch and then either just finding other ways to you know, maybe it's an orgasm.
• 26:56
  You know?
• 26:56
  Really try to, like it may not be directed by sex per se, but okay.
• 27:01
  Here's the mother.
• 27:01
  You know?
• 27:02
  If it's oral sex, manual sex, or just other or even just watch.
• 27:07
  You know?
• 27:09
  So it it sounds like in your experience and, like, the one of the most important things as
• 27:13
  far as how to navigate this is beyond communication, which we you didn't name right
• 27:17
  there, but you've named, like, 20,000 times already, is is really making sure that there's
• 27:23
  still that level of, like, how can we be still be, like, physically intimate without so much
• 27:28
  of this on the table.
• 27:29
  Right?
• 27:30
  Is that what you're saying?
• 27:32
  Oh, yes.
• 27:33
  Correct.
• 27:33
  There was without sex being without sex being on table.
• 27:37
  Correct.
• 27:38
  Yes.
• 27:38
  It's always trying to find a way to get your connection that connection needs met.
• 27:44
  And then what do you if, like, if somebody is out there feeling like, okay, well, sure, I can
• 27:50
  do that for a while, but I can't do that forever.
• 27:54
  And, like, like and I know I'm, like, I'm just kind of, again, like, asking you to reach into
• 27:58
  your cave of your memory.
• 28:00
  Like, if that had happened where it was like, yeah, like, sex might be off the table for a
• 28:04
  long while, do you feel like there's anything, like, any advice you'd give to anybody if they
• 28:10
  were feeling that way?
• 28:11
  Any ideas?
• 28:15
  This is to me that almost like a clearly understanding what your needs are and
• 28:22
  communicate that with your partner.
• 28:24
  And if you can can you live with that?
• 28:26
  Can you solve that?
• 28:27
  Can you address that?
• 28:29
  Like, really come down to communicating and then see what what the other partner really
• 28:35
  capable of giving and what you need, and can you try to bridge that gap?
• 28:40
  That's really the biggest the best advice I can give.
• 28:43
  Yeah.
• 28:44
  It's great.
• 28:44
  I mean, I think the biggest thing that, you know, we forget sometimes in monogamous
• 28:48
  relationships is that we still get to write our own rules and agreements.
• 28:52
  Right?
• 28:52
  I think so many times in committed relationships, people go into these things
• 28:56
  without, you know, having like, you know, their own level of like, oh, this these are our
• 29:01
  agreements of how we relate.
• 29:03
  And as the relationship evolves, it's like forming different agreements around like, okay,
• 29:07
  at this phase, this is how we're gonna interrelate to keep things healthy and strong
• 29:11
  and reforming what the commitments are to each other.
• 29:15
  And I do wanna name as well that I do think, you know, like what I what I see is that one of
• 29:20
  the biggest drivers for men actually having desire mismatch is having a level of ED.
• 29:28
  And it can be minor.
• 29:29
  It can be major.
• 29:30
  A lot of times, it's just minor.
• 29:31
  A lot of times, it's as simple as like, wow, tried to perform one time and it didn't go well
• 29:36
  and the communication didn't go well and then everything shuts down.
• 29:40
  And so this can happen, right, where it's like somebody, like, nail goes into the bedroom,
• 29:46
  it's just not getting as hard for whatever reason.
• 29:48
  We all have off days.
• 29:50
  It doesn't have to mean anything, but it's so easy to then get into sight sight of one's head
• 29:55
  or for the partner not to respond correctly and to feel judged or rejected or some of these
• 30:01
  other things.
• 30:02
  And it's one of the things that I love about our penis pumps that that we have, and we have
• 30:08
  so many fun toys and tools around at this point.
• 30:11
  We have a really fun bedroom set.
• 30:13
  But these penis pumps are amazing for a lot of different reasons, but one of them is that I do
• 30:19
  think when there's this level of desire mismatch coming from performance and just like
• 30:24
  not, you know, getting inside of one's head because of it not going well one or many times,
• 30:30
  having these where it's just it's a very quick way of using a gauge to pump blood into the
• 30:36
  penis, they have a ton of different sizes, have the smallest and the biggest one here, but then
• 30:40
  once you're actually able to have an erection and you put a cock ring around this, you slide
• 30:46
  it over the base of the shaft of the penis, and once you're able to have an erection, then
• 30:50
  oftentimes for men, that can lead to better performance because all of a sudden you're not
• 30:56
  psychologically worried about that anymore.
• 30:59
  And one of the things this company does so well is safety.
• 31:03
  Another thing this company does so well is research because not all Punnett penis pumps
• 31:07
  are the same.
• 31:08
  One of the biggest things is that you're using a very accurate gauge that is set to a level
• 31:13
  where it's not gonna go above a certain pressure because it could injure you.
• 31:17
  Another is that it doesn't have a gasket around the bottom because a lot of them will have
• 31:21
  gaskets around the bottom that actually will shut off the blood flow to the penis.
• 31:25
  So a lot of problems that can come up there just from not using these things totally
• 31:29
  correctly.
• 31:30
  So we will have information on my favorite penis pump company as well as coupon codes in
• 31:36
  the show notes for you.
• 31:37
  So those are from doctor Joel Kaplan and just make sure you go down in the show notes to get
• 31:41
  that discount code.
• 31:43
  Any other reflections on the penis pump you would like to share with people?
• 31:46
  Yeah.
• 31:47
  When I first she she showed me the the penis pump, and I was like, the first thing that came
• 31:52
  to mind was a bit of skepticism because I would I saw the movie, the Austin Powers, which made
• 31:58
  fun of the penis enlarger pump.
• 32:00
  And I'm like, I'm not so sure about this, but I'll I'll give it a shot.
• 32:04
  And so I gave it a shot, and then after weeks of use and, like, three, four weeks or so, 13
• 32:13
  growth differences in girth and length as well.
• 32:16
  So it was actually really surprising.
• 32:17
  It's actually it actually works.
• 32:19
  And I noticed the blood flow is different here.
• 32:22
  It actually improved.
• 32:23
  So it definitely something for other couples out there that might be struggling with it with
• 32:28
  ED or if it's just a tool that actually help drive blood flow and and length or growth if
• 32:34
  you want to improve that.
• 32:36
  So definitely a surprising cool tool to to check out.
• 32:42
  Yeah.
• 32:42
  Thank you for that.
• 32:43
  And and and are there any anything when it comes to desire, relationships, love, intimacy,
• 32:51
  anything that you wanna leave us with on your mind?
• 32:53
  And it's okay if there's not, but I just wanted to open ended in case there's any final
• 32:57
  comments you want to leave for us today.
• 33:00
  I'm kind of a rehash to summarize the biggest two things that come into mind.
• 33:05
  Right?
• 33:05
  Number one, find your love language.
• 33:07
  Do it how you can connect with your partner.
• 33:09
  If you have not read the five love languages, take the time to read that with your partner.
• 33:14
  Number two, communication, supreme skill set for any any relationship to thrive.
• 33:22
  So that might be a good takeaway for that.
• 33:25
  Amazing.
• 33:26
  And I'm also gonna remind people about not only other love languages, there are sex languages
• 33:30
  too called libido codes.
• 33:33
  They will tell you about your turn ons, your turn offs, help you learn your partner's turn
• 33:37
  ons and turn offs more.
• 33:38
  Because just like the love languages, sometimes with the libido languages, we oftentimes will
• 33:43
  miss our partner's cues and it can be really helpful to not miss them.
• 33:48
  So that's super easy.
• 33:49
  You can just go to libidocode.com and then make sure you look in the show notes for other
• 33:55
  freebies beyond libido code, as well as the penis pumps and a whole lot more.
• 34:00
  That's it for today, everybody.
• 34:01
  Thanks for joining us for another episode of the lounge boyfriend edition.
• 34:05
  We'll see you all soon.
• 34:08
  Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
• 34:11
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 34:12
  Please share this with your friends.
• 34:14
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.