Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You Don't Think You Deserve Good Sex

Transcript

When You Don't Think You Deserve Good Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about clarifying
• 0:11
  my previous podcast that women don't think about sex that much.
• 0:16
  So, well, I mean, I'll just tell you to subscribe first time we
• 0:20
  could just get into it without the teaser.
• 0:23
  So subscribe. My most recent one is about why
• 0:28
  it is a big turn-off to your wife.
• 0:29
  If you've just yelled at the kids and she will not have sex
• 0:33
  with you that night. Or if she does, she will hate
• 0:35
  her. Elephant.
• 0:35
  You so don't do that. Don't yell at the kids.
• 0:39
  I mean, everybody else at the kids but at least don't think
• 0:41
  that she doesn't notice or she doesn't care or something.
• 0:43
  Even if she yells at the kids. Like obviously it's not a double
• 0:47
  standard sure but I mean also two wrongs don't make a right.
• 0:50
  So everybody really ought to be trying to stop yelling at the
• 0:53
  kids which in no way precludes disciplining, the kids yelling
• 0:57
  is out of control. Discipline is in control.
• 1:00
  Anyway so let's move to clarifying what I meant about,
• 1:03
  the women don't care about the sex life.
• 1:05
  What I said in the podcast was, if women are having an orgasm
• 1:09
  and the sex life is pretty good B+ and above, they don't really
• 1:13
  think that much about the sex life, that's accurate.
• 1:16
  However, when I thought about it, I thought that maybe there
• 1:20
  are many women who would be listening and being like, man,
• 1:22
  if I had an orgasm, every time that would be much improved and
• 1:27
  possibly, even my husband thinks I have an orgasm every time, but
• 1:29
  I don't, if you are in this case, then you are certainly
• 1:34
  going to think about that too. Life is bad more than a woman
• 1:37
  who is having an orgasm for a woman.
• 1:39
  It's unfortunately Society has made women think that their
• 1:45
  pleasure is kind of elusive and so difficult compared to a
• 1:49
  man's. So if they're having an orgasm
• 1:51
  and this is a wonderful scenario and that should be kind of, you
• 1:55
  know, just great. And I mean, honestly, a lot of
• 1:58
  women then believe this. Okay, I had an orgasm.
• 2:00
  So it's good. Can a woman's sex life always be
• 2:05
  Better. Yes, but it's very similar to
• 2:08
  the analogy I made, right? Could your wife will always be
• 2:11
  hotter? Sure, as could you?
• 2:14
  But, does it make a big difference in your attraction
• 2:16
  level? If she's like, you know, has 5%
• 2:20
  more muscle tone? No.
• 2:22
  So that is more of what I was saying for the woman.
• 2:26
  However, if you are in a relationship where you're not
• 2:29
  having an orgasm, every time and even worse, a relationship where
• 2:32
  you're faking and or have always, So that your husband
• 2:35
  doesn't know this. Then certainly you are somebody
• 2:39
  who needs to tell your husband that you're not sexually
• 2:41
  satisfied and you shouldn't say it.
• 2:43
  Like I'm not sexually satisfied like implying a he's doing
• 2:47
  something wrong because you've also done something wrong by not
• 2:50
  telling him what he could be doing better.
• 2:52
  If you're in a situation where you have told him what he could
• 2:54
  be doing better and he says, no, well, then y'all need couples
• 2:57
  and Sex Therapy immediately. So, one time, somebody wrote in
• 2:59
  that, they told their husband how to do for play differently
• 3:02
  and he said, no, that's not right.
• 3:05
  Well, I mean if you're with somebody like this, then
• 3:08
  obviously therapy is necessary because he's completely
• 3:11
  self-centered and on empathic and thinks he knows better than
• 3:14
  you do about your own body. This is not incredibly uncommon,
• 3:17
  but it is uncommon in. At least the people, I see who
• 3:20
  go to couples counseling, which is already going to make people
• 3:23
  more open-minded than people who refuse counseling.
• 3:26
  But if you are in a situation, will you listen to my podcast?
• 3:30
  And you're like yeah, right. That I will have an orgasm every
• 3:32
  time and we have a B+ sex life or whatever.
• 3:35
  Then you need to tell your husband.
• 3:37
  It's incumbent upon you to tell your husband.
• 3:39
  We need to work on our sex life. I actually do not frequently
• 3:43
  orgasm. If you've never, orgasmed, you
• 3:45
  could say I don't ever orgasm and if he says, oh my God, oh my
• 3:48
  God, I thought you did, you could be like, well, let's my
• 3:51
  fault, you know, because I've been letting you think that?
• 3:53
  Because I kind of find it hard to talk about sex on one hand,
• 3:57
  you can be difficult to talk to. On the other hand, I can be
• 4:00
  terrified, you know, too much of, you know, bad reactions
• 4:04
  takes two to Tango. And now, though on a bright
• 4:08
  note, I would like to work on our sex life.
• 4:11
  And at that point, you can begin researching more of what you
• 4:15
  need. And of course, you could start
• 4:16
  with my first podcast on ways to make highly sensitive women.
• 4:19
  Want sex a lot more which as I've said applies to pretty much
• 4:22
  all women. Not just highly sensitive but
• 4:24
  many, many, many women. You could take the erotic
• 4:27
  blueprints quiz, you can Google for play techniques.
• 4:31
  I mean, you could have him read that book.
• 4:33
  He she comes first by Ian, Kerner if Into cunnilingus, you
• 4:37
  can do a lot of stuff. But what you shouldn't do is
• 4:40
  live your entire life thinking that it is okay, to have a non
• 4:45
  pleasurable sex life, you should not be doing that.
• 4:48
  You do not deserve that. That is a big part of who you
• 4:51
  know you are as a person, a sexual entity we are on this
• 4:55
  planet on an evolutionary sense to procreate that is why we have
• 5:00
  a clitoris to begin with because it makes us want more sex which
• 5:03
  makes our species perpetuate. There's no other reason for a
• 5:06
  woman to have clitoris besides that, the pleasure that she gets
• 5:08
  from sex will give her the drive to have more sex, which in turn
• 5:14
  will, you know, perpetuate our species.
• 5:17
  So, the point that I'm making here is if you're not having a
• 5:20
  good sex life as a woman, you may tell yourself, it's like all
• 5:24
  fine, whatever, no big deal, but really maybe a bigger deal than
• 5:28
  you think and maybe you deserve to be somebody who has a good
• 5:32
  sex life. Now why?
• 5:35
  Would people think that they don't deserve to have a good sex
• 5:38
  life? Not that they articulated this
• 5:40
  way but you know they don't really push for it.
• 5:42
  Well for the same reason that people think they don't deserve
• 5:45
  other good things, which is usually low self-esteem and
• 5:48
  being trained in the home that your needs.
• 5:50
  Don't matter. If you grow up in a home, that
• 5:52
  is dysfunctional with a parent that is struggling with mental,
• 5:55
  emotional, issues, physical issues, addiction issues,
• 5:59
  depression, anxiety, Etc, then through no fault of their own.
• 6:04
  Really they do not give you what you need to grow up, you know,
• 6:08
  and a good book on emotional childhood.
• 6:10
  Emotional neglect is running on empty by Jonas web which I
• 6:13
  recommend frequently on my blog and this is a good book to read
• 6:17
  and see if it resonates with you if you're somebody who just
• 6:20
  doesn't think you deserve good things or that you're just not
• 6:23
  one of those people that things work out for or you know like
• 6:27
  some women think they don't really bring a lot to the table
• 6:30
  with their looks or their personality or their
• 6:32
  intelligence. So you know they just kind Of
• 6:35
  you know expect that their life is going to be kind of bad and
• 6:38
  their sex life is really just a same old, same old.
• 6:41
  It's not really distinguished in any way from the other things
• 6:45
  that they also don't expect to go.
• 6:46
  Well, like a relationship overall like their parents being
• 6:50
  nice to them like friends being nice to them like anything.
• 6:54
  So low self-esteem is, you know, usually the reason that people
• 6:58
  end up in all sorts of situations where they don't, you
• 7:02
  know, care or or about About being happy because they just
• 7:07
  don't think that it's an option. And obviously if Menno listening
• 7:10
  to this, men, also feel like this obviously low self-esteem
• 7:14
  is across genders. So if you're a man, that was
• 7:17
  raised to think that you're really not very important
• 7:19
  because you grew up in a family where you were treated.
• 7:21
  That way, again, not intentionally very few parents,
• 7:24
  are like sociopathic status, but people who were struggling with
• 7:28
  their own demons, and could not give you the childhood that you
• 7:31
  deserved and the prioritization that you deserved as a child.
• 7:35
  Then and again, this is not like that.
• 7:38
  You should have been the center of the universe, but you deserve
• 7:41
  to have people Delight in your presence at least sometimes and
• 7:46
  to meet your basic needs. And also you know, try to make
• 7:50
  things nice for you as a kid. And if nobody ever really tried
• 7:53
  to make things nice for you as a kid in any way that their love
• 7:57
  language was. So like, for example, like
• 8:00
  there's people that even their birthday wasn't really, very
• 8:03
  special it You know, it was a time to worry if like, Dad would
• 8:07
  get drunk or if mom was going to be later.
• 8:10
  Resentful about the money that was spent or if anybody was even
• 8:13
  going to remember, you know. So and it doesn't have to be
• 8:17
  this dramatic either. You could have been somebody
• 8:19
  that had birthday parties because those were quote-unquote
• 8:21
  normal and your parents did things to image manage in that
• 8:25
  way. But like nobody ever asked, you
• 8:27
  really about your day or really care to hear about it or came to
• 8:31
  your events or, you know, really talk to you on any level.
• 8:35
  And if you did not ever get treated as a priority, whether
• 8:39
  you're a man or a woman, then the idea that somebody would
• 8:42
  care about pleasing you in bed seems crazy.
• 8:44
  I mean, nobody ever cares about pleasing you anywhere.
• 8:47
  So, of course, you don't have an orgasm, because you know why,
• 8:51
  why would you why are, why would you be one of those people that
• 8:53
  gets to have that you just don't think about yourself like that,
• 8:56
  for men, it's easier for them to have an orgasm.
• 8:59
  The penis is fairly visible as opposed to the clitoris and, but
• 9:05
  But you could be a man that thing's, why would I deserve to
• 9:08
  have a woman please me ever, why would I deserve to have a good
• 9:11
  sex life? The good sex life that that I
• 9:13
  could have is just purely pleasing her?
• 9:15
  And then for two seconds, you know, I ejaculate in her and a
• 9:22
  lot of men that I work with struggle with low self-esteem
• 9:24
  and feel like this, that the sex life is just kind of yet another
• 9:27
  Arena where it's all work and where their needs are nowhere to
• 9:31
  be found. And I always tell Them Express
• 9:35
  this to your wife, you know, because the wife never really
• 9:38
  understands this. So, there's plenty of people men
• 9:42
  that are having a sex life where they go down on their wife, the
• 9:44
  wife has an orgasm and then they just come as quick as they can
• 9:48
  because she doesn't, you know, think that there's much more to
• 9:51
  be done and since he's been doing this, and since he comes
• 9:54
  really quick, she assumes, he's really, really excited, women
• 9:57
  don't understand that, you can be nervous, that leads to
• 10:00
  premature ejaculation, you know, or you could be physiologically
• 10:04
  aroused by going. I'm down on your partner, but
• 10:06
  then, mentally, you still yearn to be closed for longer than the
• 10:10
  time. It takes you to have
• 10:11
  intercourse, especially after all that physiological arousal
• 10:14
  and especially if you're nervous, both of which will make
• 10:16
  things quicker. So there's plenty of women for
• 10:19
  example, that our partner to men, who have far lower
• 10:21
  self-esteem than the woman even realizes and these men look at
• 10:26
  sex as a very anxiety-inducing experience that they yearn for
• 10:30
  it, but then when they're in it, they are all about pleasing a
• 10:33
  woman. And because they're scared that
• 10:36
  if they don't, she won't love them.
• 10:37
  They barely think she loves them kind of to begin with and and
• 10:41
  then their pleasure is like really be on secondary.
• 10:45
  It's like lowest thing on the totem pole and the wife has no
• 10:50
  idea, she has no idea because in her mind he initiate sex, he
• 10:53
  wants sex and he comes quick, seems like he's happy and
• 10:56
  excited, you know, seems like everything's going according to
• 10:58
  plant because women know, so little about male anatomy, which
• 11:01
  of course is paralleled by men known so little about female
• 11:03
  anatomy. They and and drive and, you
• 11:06
  know, desire fantasy, all the things that I seek to elucidate
• 11:10
  for you in this podcast. And on my blog they assumed that
• 11:14
  any sex is good sex. The man is coming quick, so he
• 11:16
  must be really into it. And that the, it's all about the
• 11:20
  physical release. Like the man just needs kind of
• 11:22
  this upkeep, you know, he needs to come and if he comes this all
• 11:26
  good, he's happy. So obviously I've in many, many
• 11:30
  articles and podcasts I've sought to, to show how Wrong
• 11:35
  this is and how inaccurate it is that men are just looking to
• 11:38
  have a quick orgasm and get off. But so think about how this
• 11:43
  situation works though. So it's a low self-esteem male
• 11:45
  overestimates. What the woman understands and
• 11:47
  knows about sex and how much she prioritizes learning about it.
• 11:50
  He assumes that it should be obvious that he's not very happy
• 11:54
  with the encounter because it's so quick for him and in fact
• 11:57
  because he's never actually asked her, which he thinks he
• 12:01
  doesn't know that she assumes, he's having a wonderful time you
• 12:04
  know and because of Of his low self-esteem.
• 12:06
  He never brings it up and because she knows nothing about
• 12:10
  how he feels because he doesn't bring it up, and because she
• 12:12
  doesn't understand about males and how they are in bed.
• 12:15
  She never brings it up. And the man has 20 years of
• 12:17
  thinking, she doesn't really value me in bed.
• 12:19
  And this is why you want to go to a couples therapist that
• 12:22
  focuses on sex. So that a lot of this stuff can
• 12:24
  be explained. And so, then in the inverse, you
• 12:27
  know what, we originally were talking about a woman assumes
• 12:30
  that the man knows that she isn't having an orgasm that, he
• 12:33
  knows that her clitoris. Is nowhere near where he touches
• 12:36
  and that he just doesn't care because you know, she's used to
• 12:39
  relationships where people don't care about her but he doesn't
• 12:42
  know shit. How would he know he's like the
• 12:44
  blind leading the blind. So he's men have had far usually
• 12:48
  far less experience than the woman assumes.
• 12:50
  So a man will say, oh yeah, I slept with, you know, five
• 12:52
  women, she says, well, should I only slept with one man?
• 12:55
  So he must have loads of experience.
• 12:57
  He just doesn't really care about getting me off.
• 12:59
  Meanwhile, for out of these five were a one night stand where he
• 13:01
  was drunk. One of them was a six-month
• 13:03
  girlfriend. That was, you know?
• 13:04
  No too anxious to tell him how did please her.
• 13:07
  So he has a body count as they say of five.
• 13:10
  But in reality, he has a sexual understanding of - a million.
• 13:16
  And so, the wife with her low self-esteem assumes that he
• 13:20
  knows that he's not pleasing, current doesn't care the same as
• 13:23
  I just described in the other situation.
• 13:25
  So a low self-esteem person will settle for shitty sex life
• 13:28
  because they assume a that the partner knows that it's shitty
• 13:31
  and doesn't care and be that this is kind of what they
• 13:33
  deserve and What they always get from the world.
• 13:37
  If this is you therapy can very much help you with low
• 13:39
  self-esteem. Also, just honestly listening to
• 13:42
  a lot of my stuff can get you in the mood to start practicing.
• 13:46
  Valuing yourself more and being more open about what your needs
• 13:49
  might be exploring more. As I say always with women,
• 13:52
  reading erotic stories can help you figure out what you like and
• 13:56
  what turns you on and Men usually know what turns them on
• 14:00
  from porn. Which again, I don't think it's
• 14:03
  very helpful within the context of a relationship.
• 14:04
  Ation ship with a with a not wonderful, sex life
• 14:07
  particularly. And I've talked about that on
• 14:10
  other podcasts and stuff but and you can start maybe verbalizing.
• 14:15
  Oh I would like to try this. I would like to try that.
• 14:17
  I don't actually orgasm or for the man and in the related
• 14:21
  situation I don't actually enjoy the couple of minutes that we
• 14:25
  have sex you know after your orgasm.
• 14:28
  So as I've talked about in the other podcast on oral sex and
• 14:31
  order of operations frequently, it's a lot better for Where the
• 14:35
  man gets to have his orgasm first and in the situation of a
• 14:39
  male who is hell-bent on pleasing.
• 14:41
  The woman, this is not the kind of guy that's going to turn
• 14:43
  around and go to sleep. He's going to us, he's going to
• 14:45
  give her an orgasm after worked, but then he can at least have
• 14:48
  the time to enjoy himself without her saying that.
• 14:52
  She's so sensitive and she's not in the mood anymore because she
• 14:54
  came already. So this is just one of my Myriad
• 14:57
  suggestions that I've had another podcast and of course,
• 15:00
  for the woman you got to understand how you work.
• 15:03
  So you have to figure Out. This is the situation in which I
• 15:06
  do say, masturbation is great. You got it.
• 15:08
  If you've never had an orgasm, you got to figure out how to
• 15:10
  give yourself one before. He's going to have a shot at
• 15:12
  hell. And if I'm not saying to learn
• 15:15
  with the vibrator, because a vibrator could give, you know, a
• 15:17
  dead person, an orgasm, but to learn how to do it as a human
• 15:21
  being with your fingers. And then he can learn with his
• 15:23
  fingers, a fellow human being, and then you can be closed
• 15:26
  versus as I've discussed in the podcasts and the posts about
• 15:30
  vibrators frequently, particularly if there's any
• 15:33
  shyness about Which they're frequently as in people, with
• 15:36
  sex issues, then the vibrator becomes kind of a way for the
• 15:40
  woman to switch it on and just tune the guy out completely, and
• 15:43
  it does not actually bring them closer.
• 15:45
  So if you're using a vibrator, once in a blue moon as a fun
• 15:47
  thing, cool. But if it is, the only thing
• 15:49
  that can give you an orgasm, you're not married to it.
• 15:52
  So we want the person who you want to be ultimately very close
• 15:55
  to to be able to do this analog as it were.
• 15:59
  Alright, hopefully you found this interesting and useful.
• 16:03
  So obviously My statement still stands that if your wife seems
• 16:10
  to be enjoying herself in bed has an orgasm makes little cute
• 16:14
  remarks to sometimes about sex. That is really the sum total of
• 16:19
  what most women want for their sex life with in monogamy and
• 16:23
  having kids that is the headspace that is the percent of
• 16:27
  head space that they delegate to sex.
• 16:30
  Oh, was it good? Is it fun?
• 16:31
  Do I think that like, he cares about me is my husband.
• 16:33
  Somebody that Eyes to please me and that frequently I get off.
• 16:37
  Cool great. Most women are not saying does
• 16:41
  he create a dungeon replete with a variety of sex toys and push
• 16:46
  me beyond my sexual limits into my wildest fantasies this shit?
• 16:50
  You can find on porn. This is not your average.
• 16:54
  Mom of two kids going to carpool.
• 16:56
  Like she feels cute and sexy if you guys had sex that week, she
• 17:00
  feels so good. Like our relationship is closed.
• 17:03
  I had an orgasm. So Many women.
• 17:05
  Don't cool. That's like what you 50th
• 17:08
  percentile woman thinks the average woman with average
• 17:11
  caring about sex. Your wife is more average than
• 17:14
  you think. In this domain if I need and in
• 17:17
  the inverse, your husband is also more average that you think
• 17:20
  60% of what is it 60 467? Where's my stats?
• 17:24
  People are within the first standard deviation from the
• 17:26
  mean, and thereby considered fairly average.
• 17:29
  Most people definitionally shouldn't have to say this, our
• 17:33
  average. So You know, when I'm talking
• 17:36
  I'm talking for people within usually, within the first and
• 17:40
  see if, you know, the plus minus one standard deviation from the
• 17:43
  mean in normal. So, the stuff I'm saying
• 17:47
  probably applies, you know? So if you think know, my wife is
• 17:50
  the only one. That's, it's their yearning and
• 17:52
  yearning for more orgasms. This is another one I get.
• 17:55
  I mean, I'm over time, but just for the hell of it, if you're
• 17:57
  thinking your wife's, the only one who isn't having multiple
• 18:00
  orgasms man, get off of PornHub, get off today, because know.
• 18:04
  No, just because they got the woman physiologically can have
• 18:08
  multiple orgasms does not mean that the vast majority of women
• 18:11
  do or even want to within an average encounter.
• 18:16
  The average encounter is like, for most people far too short
• 18:22
  and in time for them to barely, even a gout, you know, one
• 18:27
  orgasm, if they do, they're happy.
• 18:28
  And then the alarm goes off and they have to get up or the kid
• 18:32
  cries, or they are they have to go to Because they wake up the
• 18:35
  next day with the baby or the kid, or what have you.
• 18:38
  So yeah, if you're on vacation and Jamaica, whatever you're
• 18:42
  having fun, you want to like, go down on her again.
• 18:44
  And again I'm sure that she'll entertain that but generally
• 18:48
  speaking and this is for the average woman's libido, the
• 18:51
  average situation, not like some you know, a woman who is in a
• 18:55
  hyper sexual episode of a whore ovulating or ovulating.
• 18:59
  And you just proposed that morning.
• 19:01
  And so, you know, she's looking at you like you're like the king
• 19:04
  of all. All things, the average woman,
• 19:06
  the average situation is going to be happy to have one orgasm
• 19:10
  in an encounter unless she's somebody who has easily multiple
• 19:13
  orgasms, which she will be before you come onto the scene.
• 19:18
  Remember, you know, this idea of a man opening up those sexual
• 19:23
  world of a woman is some shit out of porn women, that think
• 19:27
  that much about sex have really had it before they met you and
• 19:31
  they know how to get stuff, but couple of orgasms in out of the
• 19:34
  encounter As much less to do with you than you think the the
• 19:37
  more experienced woman has had in the more intersex.
• 19:39
  She is the more she can tell you what to do.
• 19:42
  You know, if your wife doesn't really know much about sex,
• 19:44
  doesn't really care much about sex.
• 19:46
  And she's in this average group of women wear one.
• 19:49
  Orgasm is going to make her smile and think that you guys
• 19:51
  are close and happy, then get off her ass, literally, with
• 19:55
  trying to force her to have multiple orgasms.
• 19:57
  I have heard this too much. Now we're like the woman's
• 19:59
  already having her orgasm. She's happy.
• 20:02
  But then in comes the man and his ego.
• 20:04
  Go and he says no, she's got to have a whole bunch of them.
• 20:08
  Oh my God, calm down, right? And I mean, if you're so into
• 20:11
  this shit, there's a book. The multi-orgasmic Man focus on
• 20:14
  yourself. Don't project, she's fine, but
• 20:18
  she wants that multiple orgasms she'll tell you.
• 20:20
  She will, in fact, probably play you this portion of my podcast
• 20:25
  but leave her alone if she doesn't want to.
• 20:28
  Everybody has, you know, like their own limits like, you know,
• 20:33
  seriously and this is One where I think, the guys think that
• 20:36
  they should happens like all the time and they become like,
• 20:38
  obsessed, especially if they watch too much porn, with the
• 20:41
  idea of the woman, having all these orgasms and squirting and
• 20:44
  oh my God, we gotta put down like I don't even know what 3
• 20:47
  shower curtains on the bed. This is not average aim for an
• 20:53
  average happy woman, do not aim for what it would be.
• 20:56
  Like to take Jenna Jameson to bed just stop.
• 20:58
  Okay. And on that note, I will sign
• 21:01
  off and hope y'all have a great day.
• 21:04
  Bye-bye.