Latest / The Kink Consultant / Complicated Pleasures: Can Fetish, Kink, and Romance Coexist? with Miz Darling

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Complicated Pleasures: Can Fetish, Kink, and Romance Coexist? with Miz Darling · The Kink Consultant

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It's the King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones and let's get down to
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it. Hey everyone, and welcome to
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this week's episode of the King Consultant.
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This is a special in person episode with my friend Miss
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Darling. Hello and not just friend but we
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are Co authoring a book which is so weird to even say right now.
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This has been on your mind for a really long time, right?
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Yes, yeah, It was kind of spontaneous.
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I had this idea and I was floating it around for a while
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wondering when I was going to have time to get it started.
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And then the first time we ever met, we're talking for like an
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hour. You had heard about the book
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project from a friend and you're like, I love this.
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I'm like, you want to help me Co write it?
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I had. Heard from multiple people.
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You have to meet Miss Darling, you have to meet her.
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You have to meet her. And I was like, OK.
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And then comically, truly, every time I walk to see your partner
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or any of our mutual friends, they'd be like, you just missed
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her. And I'd be like, at this stage,
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I don't even want to meet her. This is it's a bit that I keep
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missing her didn't. We have rooms across the hall at
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one of the parties. Yes, we did.
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And we like waved one time, but we're like, OK, we're going to
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bed. Bye.
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Yeah, and also, I felt like your group was the cool kids.
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They are, yeah. So are you?
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Now I am, but I was like, oh, I want to be in that room.
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So I manifested myself into the group you.
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Are who you are. We are on a kinky holiday
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weekend together with a big group of friends.
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Amazing people I in that we because you know a lot of the
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people here. Absolutely.
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But I feel like you genuinely did bring us all together for
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this trip. You coordinated it.
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You reached out to everyone. You made it happen.
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But yeah, I heard you were writing a book.
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And I'm going to be very real with you.
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I was not jealous that you were writing the book.
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I was on myself being like, Amanda, you should be writing a
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book. Like, just like you're not doing
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enough. I calmed myself down.
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I said, Amanda, it's wonderful that this is going to be in the
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world. Enjoy that.
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And what would you hope for this book?
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When I met you, I said please just show honest representation
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of how much people sacrifice sometimes.
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So before we even talk about the book, I want to ask you, how do
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you define a fetish? The metaphor that I always think
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of when I'm explaining kink versus fetish is if you are a
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kingster, it's kind of like a wide, shallow pond full of
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diverse life and there's things to explore and there's lots
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going on. And fetish is like a, well,
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there's not a lot in it, and it goes all the way down deep.
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It's a core need. Like I think for most of us,
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it's the core of our sexuality. It's what we're thinking about
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that gets us to orgasm, and it's part of our identity and it's
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fixed. Most people will say it started
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in childhood. It doesn't go away, even though
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sometimes in difficult periods of our life we wish it would.
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It's here to stay. Oh yeah, the well versus shallow
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pool is such a good, beautiful image of what it's like.
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Because I'm kinky, but I also have a fetish.
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Yes, just one. And it's exactly like you
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described. Yeah, I would say I am too,
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yeah. A lot of us are kinky but also
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have a fetish, but then also there are groups of people who
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literally just have their fetish and that is it.
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My partner and I was conceived of it as having like 2 slots.
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If you have a fetish, it's like fetish.
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Is the second slot vanilla like fetish vanilla where it's like
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I'm a fetishist but I I also like vanilla sex and like I can
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enjoy that? Or is it fetish kink where it's
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like I have a fetish but I'm also the other slots kink and I
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assume people can have all three or can be just fetish?
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That's a great question. Qualifier because I'm definitely
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fetish kink. Me too.
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And the idea is, I don't think I'm king fetish, because fetish
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really has to come first and foremost.
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Yes, I would agree with that too.
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There are many different examples of fetishes that people
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have and we talked about a couple of them over the weekend.
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There's foot fetish is a really popular when a common hears
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about. It's almost mainstream now
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because it's joked about South often.
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It is really common too. I've heard of choking fetishes
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and it's about the placement on the hand and the restriction.
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Yeah, there's armpit fetish. There's bug fetish, I've dealt
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with that. I would say like giant tests or
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giant woman or vore. Yes, I've been a giant test for
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someone. Oh, you'd be great at that.
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I would also be great at that. You would actually be great.
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It took a lot of imaginary camera work for me to be
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fantastic. I don't think the person could
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have gotten close to the ground actually on this point.
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What's interesting about fetish is I think for kink, it's highly
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sexualized and there's a lot of sexual undertones in any imagery
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of kink with fetishes. And you can find this on
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Instagram, just people holding balloons.
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And if you know, you know, I'm like, oh, this is fetish
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content. There's also a lot of images of
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women crushing little cartoon men with their large legs on
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Instagram. And I'm like, oh, this is fetish
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content, but it couldn't go. So it goes well under the radar.
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Absolutely, and I would definitely say like again, I
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work as a pro dominant. I love fetish, even if it's not
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my own fetish. I just love it as a general
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thing. But I always say I love that so
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much of what I do for work is so weird that you could show it on
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TV and people would not think this is sexual.
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And I was talking about like, if you're out here, I want to meet
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a guy whose fetish is watching me eat ice cream in a raincoat
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and having it drip all over me. And it's probably like, no, it
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has to be a yellow raincoat. And I want it to be this
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particular brand of chocolate. If you're out there, come see me
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because I will make that happen. For you, I know that person is
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out there. And what's interesting though,
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is now that you've said it like that, that's about to be
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someone's king, which love it. Like that can happen too.
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Something becomes something that they are into, even temporarily,
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and they're like, oh, this is something I want to experience
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and it's going to get me off, but it's still not a fetish.
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Yes, and even certain things like I always thought that foot
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had to be a fetish, but foot is a kink.
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My content that I make is primarily spanking or foot and
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nylon content. And because that's what I'm
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putting out all the time, I've had a lot of people into
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spanking who are like, hey, can you spank me barefoot?
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So that like I've become more interested in feet since
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watching your content and I just never hit me that a foot fetish
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could you could have a foot kink instead of a foot fetch.
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Oh that's a really good point. Nylon kink is really common.
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I heard someone talk about this, I wish I could remember where,
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But essentially the idea is it used to be really common in
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generations before us because the first time young boys or men
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were introduced to femininity it was seeing their sisters or
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their mothers nylons drying somewhere in the house.
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And then that exposure was like their first association with
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femininity and then they became into it.
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I think kinks go and wait. I can believe that, yeah.
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Like we are in the era of cuckolding.
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Well, that where it just like is held on in the mainstream.
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I feel like I know so many people now who they don't openly
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talk about it, but then you get into a slightly in depth
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conversation, they're like, Oh yeah, I used to do that for a
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boyfriend. I'm like, really, tell me more.
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Whereas I think even 10 years ago it wouldn't have been as
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common. Yeah, well, that makes sense.
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Like you can see how society informs these things in the same
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way. There's a really interesting,
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super odd topic, but there's an article about how things that
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were going on in the time influenced what was popular in
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horror. Like how for example, in the
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90's the introduction of the 24 hour news cycle made serial
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killers. You look at the back in the
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movies, it's serial killers that's the big thing.
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Pandemics, zombies. Like you know this And I
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wouldn't be surprised if societal and political things
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affect the fetish trends. Women becoming much more
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empowered and not needing sex from men as a transactional
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thing has a lot of power over men and I think that that gets
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represented in fetish or kink sometimes.
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Oh, I would really see that in the United States.
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So I can't speak for anywhere else.
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There was left right divide. There always is.
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But the right is calling the left cucks all the time.
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And then that word and standing for a cuckold, that word made it
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into the mainstream. And I think that also helped
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move things along a little more because it's like, well, what is
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a cuck? Oh, that exists.
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Let's be more interested in it. Sometimes it's just knowing
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something exists. And that gets yeah.
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People, but also like cuckolding can be so much about shame, like
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that's that's like a sexual element of it.
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So having it be this thing that like people are going to call
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you and whatever just makes it more erotic.
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I can imagine. And that's good point.
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I always describe the difference between cuckolding and hot
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wifing because they're essentially very similar hot
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wifing. And if you just wrote down on
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paper what it is, factually the woman is going off and being
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with another man. It's the elements of shame that
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make it cuckolding versus hot wifing.
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Yeah, in the same way that like feminization versus
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sissification, 1 is about shame and 1 is about getting to
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explore your feminine side. Yes, exactly that.
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I love how as we try and explain it, we accidentally make it
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slightly more complicated. We're like, wait, what?
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These are two different things, yes, but these are the questions
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I get asked really often. Like, well, what's the
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difference between these two? I get people get really offended
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that I'm using gender or referring to gender at all for
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some of these kinks. And I'm like, well, specific
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kinks are gendered. Like there is nothing that I can
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do to fix that. I guess bimbification can happen
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for any gender, but sissification tends to be for a
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man or someone assigned male at birth.
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That tends to be it, and it's part of the shame.
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And it's politically incorrect for sure, but this is part of
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what makes the fetish interesting.
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Like we're taking these toxic cultural ideas that boil down to
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something we've found interesting and pleasurable.
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Just trying to sort out the political correctness of kink is
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always just a nightmare. Yeah, because part of it is just
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built in that it's going to be incorrect.
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Yeah, and it comes up all the time when I do content.
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Start doing spanking content and you will realize how much
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disciplinary language is gendered.
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I really have to pick are you a naughty little boy or girl?
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And I've played with a trans bottom who goes as they but for
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the sake of the play switches to I'm a boy in this scene because
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nobody wants to be a naughty little they.
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Yeah, I love that one. That's.
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Really good. I make social media content and
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I just insert good sub. But that's when you're making
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spanking content. It's not always they're not
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Subs. We want the language, we want
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the young lady, young man, little Mr. all that.
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Oh, I love a young lady. Yeah, like that's my thing.
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I don't get called young lady enough actually, now that I'm
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thinking about it. But yeah, the language is really
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important and that's why it's so specialized to the person.
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Yes, yeah. And it's why it's important to
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ask questions and be like, hey, I do.
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I asked people, especially trans people that I play with, what
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language would you like me to use for the scene?
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Is it OK? Like what feels good to?
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You on this point, now that we're talking about language and
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what feels good for you. What are the most common types
10:05
of of fetishes you are hired for or asked to make content for?
10:08
What is your specialty, if any? Are you craving deeper intimacy
10:13
and the freedom to explore your desires without shame?
10:16
Do you feel nervous bringing kink up with your partner?
10:19
Or maybe you're curious to start but don't know where to begin?
10:22
That's exactly where coaching comes in, and I've helped
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10:35
To keep this sustainable for me that I don't burnout, I keep my
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scope limited so I only do spanking content, foot content
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and nylon content. But for sessions I will do a
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wider range of things. But I will say it becomes a
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feedback thing. Like I got in as a Spanko coming
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into this scene, it makes sense that spanking is going to be a
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very popular thing for me. It's my mother language.
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It's what I make content for. It's very popular and there's
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just not that many doms who are Spanko specific.
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Foot is just popular in general. And I don't mean to brag, but I
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have quite, quite attractive feet.
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You. Do have attractive feet.
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It was one of the first things I noticed because I used to be a
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pro as well. I always look at women's feet to
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think like, oh you would have made bank, you know?
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Now luckily I find that men are not super even.
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I hate my own feet but men tend to.
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I love them. I started to love my own feet by
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being a dominatrix because people would be like oh I love
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your feet and obsess over them and then I fell in love with my
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own feet. But yours are objectively
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beautiful feet across the board. Women everywhere would also love
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your feet. Yeah, Well, I feel foot fetish
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is so interesting in that there's so many different types,
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there's so many specifications that no matter what your foot
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is, probably there's a group of people out there that think that
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your foot is the hottest foot. But yes, I will say that I have
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like the Disney Princess except for how large they are.
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But we'll go with the Disney Princess drawing foot.
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Yes, actually I'm looking at them right now.
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I know people are probably very jealous.
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I am looking at them and they are the Disney Princess feet.
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And it's so funny because it took a foot fetish just telling
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me that my feet were pretty. It would be like someone, I
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always say it's like someone telling you You Beautiful ears,
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you should be an ear model. And I'm like, really?
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What? OK, I don't know what the
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criteria is for beautiful ears. I do have to do a lot of
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negotiation when I'm doing foot scenes about do you like them
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clean or dirty? Are there nail polishes that
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turn you off or on? Is there like some people are
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very specific? Does anyone ever ask you, can I
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paint your toenails? Not yet, but I'm sure it'll come
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up at some point, yeah. It probably will.
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No one's asked me that, but I always think if I had a foot
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fetish, what would I want to do? And I would want to enhance them
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myself. Interesting.
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All right, so. Let's get back to the book.
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Yes, tell me about the book. So this book project we're doing
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a book on stories, real life stories of fetishists in
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romantic relationships, romantic and sexual long term
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relationships. What's a long term relationship
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in your mind? I'm thinking we're going to have
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to have a conversation about this at some point, but I'm
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thinking anything 3 plus years, but the longer the better for
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the sake of the data. I always think 5 plus years is
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actually a long time because that's when you're like, pardon
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this wording, but like you've worked out a lot of the kinks in
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the relationship. Yes.
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And then you're really deepening your relationship with someone.
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I think that's when you really get into the nitty gritty of
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things. Not that people don't do that
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within six months. For some people they move really
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quickly. But yes, I would say five years,
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but 3 is a good start. Foundation of like Yes,
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definitely at least three. Yeah, and the book is called
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Complicated Pleasures. It's going to be called
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Complicated Pleasures and that is because having a fetish is
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just one more complex factor that you have to take into
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account when you're choosing a romantic partner like a long
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term life partner or sexual partner.
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Whatever it is, and I get asked all the time, I'm sure you do
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too. If you have a fetish, what is
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the best path for you? Should you only try and date
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other fetishists or is that too small a pool?
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Maybe we better if you just found someone your life
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compatible with and tried to make that piece work on the side
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either in the relationship or with other play partners or
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professionals. Or is it better to be Polly and
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is it more difficult for other people?
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Do male submissives have a harder time?
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Is it less likely they're going to find partners that are fetish
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matches because female dominance are harder to come by?
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Or that is that even true? Anyway?
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My answer to people is always, I know fetishists making it work
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in long term relationships in all of these different
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situations. But whereas there are
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relationship books out there for people who have different
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political views and their partners or cultural things that
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don't match up, we don't talk about about fetish.
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You don't go to your girlfriends and say my partner has a fetish
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and I don't understand, help me out, give me advice.
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We don't talk to our friends. There's a lot of stigma.
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There's no resources. So I've had the benefit and
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you've had the benefit of being in the kink community and
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hearing these stories, and we want to take those stories and
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bring them into wider mainstream culture and make them available
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to people and accessible. Exactly all of that yes.
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So when I found out about this book, I was very excited, but
14:44
also like, damn, this is the best idea I've ever heard.
14:47
Because one of the things I always know is when people ask
14:50
me that question, I always think about how a vanilla person's
14:53
advice is just find a good person and if they love you
14:56
enough, they will meet this need for you.
14:59
And it's that's sometimes how it works, but not always.
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And I love that this book is going to explore all of the
15:05
other ways that people have made it work.
15:07
Yeah, absolutely. Also be a resource for vanilla
15:10
or normative sexuality. People who are in love with
15:12
fetishists and are wondering is this going to work?
15:15
Is can I make this work? Can we, can this be a long term
15:17
sustainable thing? There's no resources for people
15:19
like that. No, every so often, and I've
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probably feel like I've read them all, there is a blog post
15:25
somewhere. Yeah, it gets sent around to
15:27
everybody who has the fetish and their partner doesn't.
15:30
So you read them about chastity, some about spanking of a partner
15:34
who is trying to explain what I say, A non kinky partner who is
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trying to explain to people hey maybe you should try it because
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this is what I learned it means for my partner and sometimes
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some people just have the right words to explain.
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It and when I say that I also, when we have people in all
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different of those situations, fetishes with normative
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sexuality people and other fetishes, that sort of thing, we
15:53
also hear stories about relationships that worked in
15:55
those situations and relationships that didn't work
15:58
in those situations. And I think it's really
15:59
interesting. Is there stuff in common?
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Are we going to find out that fetishists who make it work with
16:03
vanilla partners, are they they doing something right?
16:05
Are they, How are they making it work with these people?
16:07
What, what qualities do their partners have that are
16:10
contributing? What are these factors that make
16:11
some of them work and some of them not?
16:13
All true. What I love about this is you're
16:15
putting something into the world that is a resource you would
16:19
have looked for yourself. Yes, and that is the feedback
16:21
I've gotten whenever I talk about this with people in the
16:23
Kent community, especially young people who are starting to look
16:27
for relationship partners, and they say I need this book now
16:30
because I'm going through this now and I need advice.
16:33
I know. And that sometimes I'm like, we
16:34
need to get on this so much faster, which we will.
16:37
And I know you're already doing such great work, but when I
16:40
heard so, so many people, you are very popular in the scene
16:43
and everyone is really excited about this.
16:45
So, so many people were coming to me and telling me, oh, you
16:48
have to meet Miss Darling. You have to meet her because
16:50
she's writing this book and she would love to talk to you.
16:52
And equally, I wanted to talk to you as well.
16:54
It's so funny finally getting to meet you because it had been
16:57
probably a year or more of missing each other at national
17:00
parties and having friends in common that say, Oh my, you guys
17:03
haven't met. You're going to love each other.
17:05
You're so alike and have so many things in common and you're
17:07
just, you're going to be instant friends.
17:09
And there was even a party where our rooms were across the hall
17:12
from each other and we kind of waved at the I'm like, good
17:14
night. Oh, I didn't get to meet you
17:15
maybe tomorrow. And we just kept missing paths.
17:18
And so I think we actually made a coffee date where we're like,
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hey, everyone says we're going to be friends.
17:23
Would you like to get together and have coffee at this party?
17:25
And I came to your room that we just had some coffee and we just
17:28
started talking. You had already heard about this
17:30
book project, and within an hour of you expressing interest, I
17:33
think I invited. I'm like, do you want to help me
17:35
write? It and I was shocked.
17:36
I was, I had never expected. I was like, Oh my gosh, it's
17:39
like a dream come true because I was so excited for it.
17:42
And then to be invited to be part of the project was so
17:45
unexpected. I didn't even have to take a
17:47
second to say yes. I think I was like, I was like,
17:49
absolutely. Yeah, Well, it was clear to me
17:50
that like you are somebody the this kind of work that you do
17:53
and the way you think and speak and write.
17:55
I'm like, this is somebody who brings the energy I'm looking
17:59
for onto this project. And the reason this is not
18:01
getting done is because I'm busy and I need help.
18:03
So if you get come on in any capacity, this will actually get
18:06
done. I know and I think we've moved
18:09
forward. Yes.
18:09
Because of that, yes, we have a social media page, we have a
18:13
website. We do.
18:14
We are taking in interviews, yeah, to be case studies in the
18:17
book. So what do you look for from the
18:20
case studies? To a certain extent, I think
18:22
we're being pretty open minded about like, come to us and tell
18:25
us your experience and we'll see if we can find a way to make
18:28
that fit in the book. But I'd say we're primarily
18:30
interested in stories of not casual dating or one night
18:34
stands or like a six month to one year relationship, but like
18:37
a fairly stable long term relationship that is either
18:41
ongoing right now or is a past relationship that you had an
18:45
experience and learned something from and where at least one of
18:48
the people in that relationship had a fetish.
18:50
And I think that's an important point.
18:52
It can also be a past relationship.
18:54
I think we also said a fetish or you're so hardwired for power
18:57
exchange, even if it's not a specific fetish, If you're so
19:00
hardwired for power exchange that that's the core of your
19:02
sexuality, you fit in this book too.
19:04
Like we're talking about you 2. Yes, I mean, absolutely, because
19:08
that is one of the ones that's slightly harder to buck it, yes,
19:11
because it's also a difficult one to explain to a partner,
19:14
especially if you are so deeply, I think, dominant or submissive
19:19
to invite someone into that power exchange.
19:22
There's a lot of negotiation and energy that has to go into
19:25
explaining what it is and how to operate in that dynamic.
19:28
Yeah, if you're the type of person that's like, I'm kinky,
19:30
but I don't need this in my sexuality.
19:33
I can make it work with a vanilla partner.
19:34
It's not that much of a problem. That's not the story we're
19:37
looking to tell because we've both been in the experience and
19:40
have talked to so many people in the experience of I can't shut
19:42
this off. It's the core of my sexuality.
19:44
I'm stuck in this situation where I need this.
19:48
How do I make that work in a relationship?
19:50
That component of myself work with a partner?
19:52
What has your personal experience been like with a
19:56
dynamic like that? Having a fetish and being in
19:58
relationship. So I got married fairly young,
20:02
married my high school. Boyfriend, which I do not
20:04
recommend doing because you've changed a lot as throughout your
20:07
20s. But lovely person.
20:09
I've been always very open about my sexuality and I confess to
20:13
him at like I was age 15, Confess to him that I have a
20:16
spanking fetish. I just thought I have somebody
20:19
who's willing to try to accommodate me and who
20:20
understands what fetish is. This is the best I'm going to
20:23
get and I can make this work. Was it easy to accommodate each
20:27
other? I was able to fulfill his needs,
20:29
he was not able to fulfill mine, and I don't think it would have
20:33
mattered what level of performance he gave.
20:35
I think it's just when you have masochistic desires and you want
20:39
someone to do unpleasant things to you because they want to do
20:43
it and that's the motivation. It's hard to find fulfillment
20:46
from a partner who you know is doing this for you.
20:48
Yeah, absolutely. I'm slightly masochistic and I
20:51
talk about it as being devotional, but you can't be
20:53
devotional to someone who is just running through those
20:56
motions, OK? And was that the reason it
20:59
didn't work? Yes, it was a very functional
21:02
relationship. We deeply respected each other.
21:05
We reached a point at which I knew that I needed to start
21:09
exploring this with other people.
21:10
That was really important to me and he was a wonderful person
21:12
who opened up the relationship and let me start exploring in
21:15
the scene and having these experiences with other Spankos.
21:18
But it quickly became clear to me, I ended up falling in love
21:21
with one of my play partners. Nothing happened that wasn't
21:24
allowed and negotiated. We never went down that road.
21:27
But I quickly realized that this is kind of my love language.
21:31
This is when people say making love.
21:32
I never understood what that meant until I had a spanking
21:35
experience that felt like making love.
21:37
And I thought, great, just one more thing I can't have in my
21:40
relationship unless I'm with somebody who speaks this
21:42
language. And I thought to myself, you do
21:44
not reward a partner who is so wonderful to let you explore in
21:49
this space. You don't reward that partner by
21:52
waiting until you fall in love and are going to leave him for
21:55
somebody else. Nothing ever happened with that
21:57
person. But that was the sign that I
21:59
need to get out of this marriage because it's already going to be
22:01
horrible enough the way it's going to go shakedown.
22:04
But he doesn't deserve to wait until I'm in love with somebody
22:07
and leaving them. Wow.
22:08
That is beautiful and mature and so deeply loving to end
22:14
something in that way. Well, that narrative helped me a
22:17
lot as I was getting divorced. But the reality of it is that
22:20
it's just hard. Like, I think he was much more
22:22
willing. He's like, well, why don't we
22:23
go, Polly? Why don't we open up the
22:25
relationship? Why don't, you know?
22:26
He was willing to make a lot of compromises to make this work.
22:29
And I just didn't want to go there with him.
22:30
Ultimately didn't think it was sustainable to do that for you
22:33
and me. Yeah, I'm not happy about his
22:36
experience in all of this, but I just don't know what other
22:38
option realistically there was for me.
22:40
I think that's super relatable for anyone who has to be the one
22:43
who ends this or makes the difficult decision that it needs
22:47
to end. Yeah.
22:47
During that time, did you resent or hate your fetish for being
22:52
the catalyst for all of. This I think I did earlier in
22:55
the relationship before I started exploring it.
22:56
Like most of us, there definitely been periods where
22:59
I'm like, I wish I could cut this part of me out because it
23:01
would make my life so much easier and simpler.
23:03
But by the time I started exploring it, it had already
23:06
made me feel stronger. It had had benefits.
23:09
I'd met amazing people. I'm like, I can't regret this.
23:12
And like when it felt like a curse most of my life, finally
23:14
feeling like a blessing. So I was sad about the way it
23:17
shook out. But I had stopped wanting to
23:19
change this about myself. It does bring so many gifts that
23:22
it can feel like a blessing. But I've definitely had these
23:25
moments of thinking this fetish is ruining my life.
23:28
Like, dramatic. Yeah.
23:29
Melodramatic, yeah. But I've had it in moments of
23:32
divorce breakups, like, certain things of I just need it so
23:36
much. But each moment was a learning
23:38
opportunity and got me closer to what now turns out to be one of
23:42
the best gifts I have in my life.
23:43
Absolutely. And the fact is, I had a moment
23:45
after the first time I played with somebody where I was
23:48
driving the car, and I could just think, why didn't I do this
23:51
years ago? And I was just so angry.
23:52
It was overcome with rage at myself for, like, why did I ever
23:56
try to hold this back? It's such a good thing for me.
23:58
And the fact is I like who I am. When I embrace my sexuality, I
24:02
think I'm a stronger, better proof getting emotional.
24:04
Yeah, I think I'm a stronger, better person for embracing
24:06
this. I know.
24:07
I think that about most of us. Yes, and I get to witness it all
24:11
the time with people that I either people who are new to the
24:13
scene or people that clients of mine that I do sessions with.
24:17
There is a blossoming that happens that you can watch in
24:20
somebody when they embrace this side of themselves and they like
24:23
finally a part of them stops hating it and like starts
24:26
enjoying the thing that you're wired to enjoy.
24:29
And it's magic. People come back to life like a
24:31
tree in the spring. It really is.
24:33
It is magic because for the first time in their lives,
24:35
they're getting to explore something that they thought it
24:37
was like a fantasy that they would never have.
24:40
And then they realize, wait, this all exists.
24:43
All of this can be a reality if I'm willing to step into it.
24:46
Yes, absolutely. And then to me, I'm always
24:48
trying to explain to people that is community, that is what we're
24:51
all showing up for. That's what we're contributing
24:53
to. And there is an element of when
24:54
you get to witness to people come into the scene and
24:57
experience it and you almost feel maternal or sort of like
25:00
like one of the old witches or something being like, oh, you
25:03
know, like letting us show you the way.
25:05
And I get excited when young people come into this scene
25:07
because I'm like, if only. So I get really excited for them
25:10
because they're going to have this life opportunity and
25:12
they're going to know themselves what I sometimes so much better
25:16
than I did, or so much faster. Yeah, in their lives.
25:18
That said, I'm also really excited when old people come
25:21
into the scene. I had a client who got spanked
25:23
for the first time. He was in his 80s, and we did a
25:25
session and I'm just like, I'm so glad you're here.
25:28
I'm so glad you get to have this experience and like find this
25:31
part of you. It's never.
25:31
Too late. It's never too.
25:33
Late, but yes, that does come with a lot of regrets about why
25:36
did I wait so long. I know.
25:37
And I think because I started off really exploring this as a
25:41
dominatrix, I was getting all of the people who were in their 50s
25:43
and 60s and coming for the first time or had just started
25:46
exploring. Whereas seeing people get to
25:49
live the lives that my clients wish they'd lived was exciting
25:53
to me. Yeah, absolutely.
25:54
Spankos are under the umbrella of BDSM, but sometimes neither
25:59
side accepts each other, right? Yes.
26:02
And one of the things is spankos tend to be a lot more, in my
26:05
experience, from what I've seen at the beginning,
26:07
heteronormative as in the dot, what you just described.
26:10
But then as people stay on the scene longer, you just sort of
26:12
see more diversity. You know how people exploring?
26:15
Well, I think a lot of us are attracted like traditional
26:17
Spanko fantasy is very normative and traditional.
26:22
I mean, that's what it is. And people ask me because I have
26:24
a video on Fetlife of just getting a paddling from a friend
26:28
and instead of even using a safe word, I just say I need a
26:31
second. And someone asked me why didn't
26:32
you use a safe word? And I said the scene is
26:34
domestic. So it's not that I couldn't use
26:37
the safe word. We do.
26:38
But equally we just have these moments of it's, again, our own
26:42
language. And the way I relayed that was a
26:44
version of a safe word for us. Absolutely.
26:46
And a good top knows how to stay in the scene in the same way
26:49
that you would if it was a domestic punishment to where
26:51
it's like, OK, I'll give you a minute, but you are going to
26:54
take the rest of your punishment like you can stay with it.
26:56
Yes, exactly, and luckily I got a minute.
26:58
Because I need it OK. How can people be involved or
27:02
follow this project so. Right now we are in the
27:05
interviewing stage where we are looking for people with stories
27:08
to share about their relationships and we have a
27:11
website, complicatedpleasures.ca, because
27:13
I am Canadian. It is a Canadian website, but
27:16
there is a link to a Google form that we ask some basic questions
27:20
and you can tell us a bit of information about your
27:22
relationship, current or past, and we will sift to that
27:26
information and see if you're a candidate for someone we wanted
27:30
to hear more about in this book. And then we'll contact you for
27:32
an interview. At this stage, we're really just
27:34
accepting submissions to be case studies and we're getting
27:37
started into the interviewing process and collecting stories.
27:40
There's also on our website a link to the newsletter and to
27:44
our social media accounts, which is helpful if you want to sort
27:46
of follow us along as we're going through this process or
27:50
pass it on to people. Like the quality of the book
27:52
will depend so much on the quality of interviews we get,
27:54
the qualities of stories that we get.
27:56
So one of the most helpful things people can do is to share
28:00
this project, put it out there on their social media or pass it
28:03
on to their sex therapists or sex store owners or friends in
28:08
the community or community groups.
28:10
The more this gets out, the more it really does become a
28:12
community project because it involves the whole community and
28:15
it has stories from the whole community.
28:17
And can the interviewees be anonymous?
28:20
Absolutely. I think that's a crucial part of
28:22
this. Both anonymous in terms of yes,
28:25
we're not going to use your real name and identifying details,
28:28
but also anonymous within the scene because a lot of people
28:31
are so well known. It's a small scene.
28:33
We are going to have to change some identifying details of
28:35
people's relationships because it's such a small scene that
28:38
like for example, we'll probably get a lot of interviews from
28:41
Spankos because that's just the community that we're both kind
28:44
of wired into. But we are accepting interviews
28:46
from anyone who identifies as a fetishist of any kind or
28:49
hardwired for power exchange because couples within the
28:52
Spanko scene, Spanko couples are fairly rare and recognizable.
28:56
We will be changing details so that even if you're a member of
28:59
the community or widely known, you shouldn't expect that your
29:01
friends are going to say, hey, I read your what you said in the
29:04
book. We will work really hard to make
29:07
sure that we accommodate anyone's need for privacy.
29:09
Absolutely. We fully understand the
29:11
importance of that. We're asking people to be really
29:14
vulnerable and honest and share this information with us for the
29:16
good of the community. The least we can do is make sure
29:19
that that feels as safe and private as possible.
29:22
Like making sure everyone feels safe in their vulnerability.
29:25
That's the core of kink, that is.
29:27
The core of kink, yes. Going to be the core of this
29:29
book too. Yes, if you want to follow
29:31
along, definitely go to the website and check out
29:33
complicated pleasures.ca to read through more in depth about the
29:37
project and see where you can follow us on social media.
29:39
And please get signed up for our newsletter because we're already
29:42
excited about sharing our journey with you.
29:44
Miss Darling, thank you so much for joining me for organizing
29:47
this amazing weekend too. This has been wonderful.
29:50
I cannot wait for us to get even further on this book together.
29:54
Absolutely. The process will be really as
29:56
amazing for both of us, I think, as the final project.
29:58
I agree, if you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to
30:03
subscribe, leave a review, and share it with anyone who might
30:05
find it interesting. And if you have any questions or
30:08
topics you'd like me to cover in future episodes, feel free to
30:10
reach out e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
30:15
Until next time, keep on kinking on.