Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Foolish Ways To Waste Your Time And Money In Therapy

Transcript

Foolish Ways To Waste Your Time And Money In Therapy · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today. We are going to be reviewing
• 0:10
  some of the common stupid things people do to waste, time and
• 0:14
  money in therapy. And this, of course, isn't
• 0:15
  calling anyone stupid. But rather say what a foolish,
• 0:19
  waste of you're really limited time and probably also limited
• 0:24
  money to do any of these things. So, it's more of my tough love,
• 0:28
  that you've come to, you know, depend on so much to make your
• 0:32
  commute or your house cleaning or whatever.
• 0:34
  For the hell, you're doing time pass more quickly.
• 0:39
  But before we get into this topic, I do want to tell you to
• 0:43
  subscribe. My most recent episode was why
• 0:45
  your wife does not want to have sex with you.
• 0:47
  If you have yelled at the kids that day and how she is primed
• 0:51
  to respond to you in this sort of situation which is really not
• 0:54
  the sort of response that you want her to have and how both
• 0:58
  men and women perpetuate, this Dynamic of the dad, being the
• 1:01
  bad cop, in the mom, being the good cop.
• 1:03
  So, of course, as per usual, I don't ever just blame a dynamic
• 1:07
  on one party. Everybody's got to take
• 1:10
  responsibility for their role in creation of a toxic Dynamic.
• 1:14
  There are no toxic people. There are only toxic Dynamics.
• 1:18
  So today, let's talk about what people do and the cognitive
• 1:23
  errors that they make in therapy that really prevent them from
• 1:25
  having the best experience. Because I see this a lot and I
• 1:30
  see people tell me things, they didn't prior therapy and I
• 1:32
  noticed people doing things with me Andre.
• 1:34
  The both of us me and the client parentheses es and parentheses
• 1:40
  because I have couples as well as individuals, obviously.
• 1:44
  So we both want these sessions to be productive, right?
• 1:48
  I mean, there's literally no point if things are not moving
• 1:51
  along productively. So these are cognitive errors
• 1:57
  that I've seen people making that really preclude productive
• 2:00
  work from happening. So, let's look at the first one,
• 2:03
  so I touched on this. Before in some other podcast, I
• 2:07
  think my scarcity mindset one but anyway like a lot of people
• 2:11
  come to me after they say well I was in counseling for years or
• 2:16
  moms with somebody and you know for the last and then they're
• 2:20
  going to see some Unholy long amount of time for the last
• 2:24
  seven months or so, I really did think I was making any progress
• 2:28
  in my weekly sessions and I'm like, OMG right?
• 2:34
  Don't say that, you know. But yeah, but it's like oh my
• 2:39
  God. What a like tragic waste of your
• 2:43
  time and money, you know, to be going into something for seven
• 2:48
  months that you no longer find useful.
• 2:50
  Like every minute isn't supposed to be an epiphany, but if you
• 2:54
  leave, like, like a few sessions in a row without thinking that
• 2:58
  you're making any progress. What are you doing right?
• 3:01
  So therapy isn't Magic. Like there isn't if you do.
• 3:04
  Don't feel like you were doing work.
• 3:06
  You are not doing work. It's kind of like going to the
• 3:09
  gym if you don't break a sweat, there's no magic personal
• 3:15
  trainer that can make working out feel like sitting on the
• 3:17
  couch. So, you know, there's not like
• 3:21
  you got to put in work. If your sessions don't feel like
• 3:23
  any work, like, anything's happening, like you're being
• 3:26
  challenged like you're thinking of anything in a new way.
• 3:28
  Like you're left with anything to work on.
• 3:30
  Get out right? Like stop.
• 3:33
  And so people will say to me, Well yeah, you're real expensive
• 3:36
  so I'm going to try somebody else and they'll come to me and
• 3:38
  they're like yeah work with that person for like a year and you
• 3:41
  know I really wasn't making that much progress overall.
• 3:43
  So now I'm back to you. I'm like hey shit, you thought I
• 3:46
  was expensive like what was this extra money now?
• 3:50
  What did that like decrease the cost of Me?
• 3:52
  No, it was just literally additives like now and also
• 3:56
  you're a year further into these patterns that are bad.
• 4:00
  So your marriage has now gotten worse for a year.
• 4:03
  So if you Do not click with the therapist move on quickly to
• 4:08
  another one. Now if you can't ever click with
• 4:10
  anyone no matter who they are, you know.
• 4:15
  Yeah. That's called a common
• 4:16
  denominator look in the mirror. But if you are going for kind of
• 4:21
  basically and expensive, people who don't challenge you and can
• 4:26
  work within your schedule instead of like somebody were
• 4:29
  you look at their profile or their website and my case and
• 4:32
  you're like, wow, this person really gets me.
• 4:35
  I hear it's expensive. They might challenge me too
• 4:38
  much. I don't know.
• 4:39
  Like, then really like, what are you doing?
• 4:42
  You're setting yourself up to not make progress, but sometimes
• 4:45
  people do need to go through that in order to really
• 4:49
  understand that they want to work on things and that, you
• 4:52
  know, changes in Magic. So those are the two sides of
• 4:56
  that. The second cognitive error is
• 4:59
  like this thing where people don't think it's really urgent
• 5:01
  to work on their marriage because they're not about to
• 5:03
  divorce or anything. I'm like, okay, cool, let's wait
• 5:06
  till you are. Is that a better idea?
• 5:09
  I think she'd only goes One Way. Marital problems.
• 5:12
  They don't like magically get better.
• 5:14
  They just don't. I mean, it's sometimes certain
• 5:17
  stages of life change. Like, okay, if you're really mad
• 5:19
  at your husband, and you just had a newborn.
• 5:22
  Wait, you are probably very irritable, you know, and your
• 5:25
  hormones are all over the place and you're not sleeping but in
• 5:28
  situations where you're like, yeah, like you know, I've been
• 5:31
  really upset with my husband since the kids are born.
• 5:33
  I'm like, how old are the kids? All Seven and nine there's seven
• 5:36
  and nine man get into therapy three years ago with the
• 5:41
  second-best being today, you know, because it's like it's it
• 5:44
  didn't get better, it's not going to get better.
• 5:46
  And when you come in on the precipice of divorce, you know,
• 5:49
  we are not Houdini marital counselors.
• 5:52
  We cannot often do anything when the marriage is already
• 5:54
  basically over. And this is just like a last
• 5:58
  hoop to jump through before you file.
• 6:01
  Alright, the next one is this idea that a therapist knows
• 6:04
  exactly what you need to work on and if you don't share some
• 6:08
  shameful thing that you really think about like every day,
• 6:11
  somehow they're supposed to pick up on it and magically cure you.
• 6:14
  So, for example, if somebody experienced sexual abuse, right,
• 6:18
  and they're deeply ashamed of it, they don't share it with a
• 6:20
  therapist. Well, I'm not saying you got to
• 6:23
  share it on the first day, but it would be nice if you did
• 6:26
  quite honestly and the sooner you can share what you actually
• 6:30
  need to. Work on the better.
• 6:32
  So like people will not disclose frequently things in the arena
• 6:35
  of sex or parenting, right? So they won't disclose like, I
• 6:39
  spanked my kid, I lost my shit, and I spanked my kit.
• 6:42
  Well, like, how am I supposed to help you?
• 6:46
  You know, and sure many people in this situation are very
• 6:49
  anxious about then you're going to call Child Protective
• 6:51
  Services because I abuse my kit, you spank, your kid, and then
• 6:54
  you've come into counseling to work on it.
• 6:57
  This is not an abuse situation and abuse situation.
• 7:01
  It is like I wailed off like I beat the shit out of my kid.
• 7:04
  Yeah. Like in that situation?
• 7:07
  Yes. And I make it really clear if
• 7:09
  there's child abuse. We do have to report, but if you
• 7:12
  tell me I yelled at my kid and I called them a name and I feel so
• 7:16
  bad about it and I want to work on it.
• 7:18
  Great, that's what I'm here for. Let's work on it, you know, like
• 7:20
  great that is good. So if that's something that
• 7:24
  happened, you can even walk it back a little bit.
• 7:25
  If you're sick, if you're very scared about about something
• 7:29
  like, you know, Child Protective Services, Then say I have anger
• 7:33
  issues with my kid, you know, and then we can work on it.
• 7:36
  But if you never tell me of anger issues with your kid, you
• 7:39
  still gonna have them. There's no magic way for me to
• 7:41
  fix you, having anger issues with your kid and losing your
• 7:44
  shit on your kid. Unless I know that you do it.
• 7:46
  I'm never going to shame you for that.
• 7:48
  No therapist is I'm no therapist worth their salt is right.
• 7:52
  Also, if you've had sexual abuse in your past, I feel terrible
• 7:56
  for you. I also would like to help you,
• 7:58
  but if I don't know about it, I can't help you.
• 8:01
  And it's the same with any other thing that you are ashamed about
• 8:04
  the therapist is never going to shame you for anything.
• 8:06
  We've heard a lot of shit before and if it's new to us then
• 8:09
  you've just helped us grow into a better therapist and it's
• 8:13
  still in the same genre of stuff that we've heard before, you
• 8:16
  know? So it's not going to be like
• 8:18
  like you know, whatever you're fearing in your mind, like a
• 8:21
  therapist who's grown to like you is like actually.
• 8:24
  Now that I've heard that, I know that you're a monster that does
• 8:27
  not happen, that's not real. The therapist will have even
• 8:30
  more Empathy for you, knowing that there's all this shit that
• 8:33
  you've been going through that you've not shared and will feel
• 8:35
  relieved, because usually the therapist senses that there's
• 8:39
  something that you still have your guard up about.
• 8:41
  But they just don't know what it is, you know, and they don't
• 8:44
  know if you're just a guarded person.
• 8:45
  If you just need more time like what it is.
• 8:47
  So try to help your therapist help you by being as open as
• 8:51
  possible. They cannot mind.
• 8:53
  Re so another thing that I've talked about a lot that I don't
• 8:56
  believe in that, nobody, that I have never ever seen this.
• 9:00
  Where the partner is, the only problem, the partner is not the
• 9:04
  only problem, even if the partner is a schizophrenic.
• 9:06
  It's like ship, why'd you pick a schizophrenic?
• 9:09
  You know, I mean, why are you staying in a situation with a
• 9:12
  schizophrenic, what can we do to make it better for you with this
• 9:15
  schizophrenic? How does enabling this
• 9:18
  schizophrenic? How does it relate to stuff that
• 9:20
  you grew up with Etc. It is never ever, ever just one
• 9:25
  person and in a situation where it is, you are still staying.
• 9:28
  So there's still plenty of stuff that we Work on in you and
• 9:32
  helping you grow more assertive and have higher self-esteem,
• 9:36
  such that you do not remain in a situation that it's
• 9:38
  extraordinarily difficult. So, if you are using therapy
• 9:42
  just to bitch about your partner, you know, that is not
• 9:45
  an effective use. Yes, there can be a lot gained
• 9:48
  from talking to a therapist about your partner because
• 9:51
  therapist can give insight to the partner, but it should
• 9:54
  always loop back eventually to what you can do to give you
• 9:59
  agency to change your own. Own situation to understand how
• 10:02
  you got into it to develop, coping mechanisms for it to
• 10:06
  ensure. You don't replicate it in later
• 10:08
  life etcetera. So just just complaining about
• 10:12
  the partner and every session is never going to help you in the
• 10:15
  ways that you need. Then you can refer to my podcast
• 10:18
  on one therapy, just feels like chatting with a friend.
• 10:20
  If you tell a girlfriend, my husband such an asshole, she's
• 10:22
  gonna be like, oh yeah, girl. I understand totally, I get it.
• 10:25
  What a dick? This should not be therapy.
• 10:28
  Right? So with it, therapy you To be
• 10:31
  learning strategies for how to increase the closeness and the
• 10:36
  connection that you feel and or how to set boundaries and get
• 10:40
  out of a bad situation, but not just a pity party.
• 10:43
  So it should not be a pity party that waste your time and money.
• 10:47
  All right, and the other one is a therapist is magical.
• 10:50
  So no matter how many defenses I put up they can you know move
• 10:54
  around them with ease and then they could like burrow into my
• 10:58
  psyche and I will you know that Then receive wonderful Insight.
• 11:03
  Kind of just directly like given to me somehow by the therapist
• 11:09
  without much work on my part. This, you know, is in similar
• 11:13
  vein to the other ones about mind-reading etcetera, but this
• 11:17
  is more of the person who just shows up in there.
• 11:19
  Like, I have anything to talk about and they do want to change
• 11:24
  in certain ways, but they don't like kind of do the work to
• 11:28
  verbalize that now. Yes, Of course, the therapist
• 11:31
  can talk to you about. Why did you come?
• 11:33
  But there are clients. And I don't get these clients as
• 11:36
  much anymore in my own practice because my own practice is
• 11:39
  really targeted toward people who are struggling with the
• 11:43
  issues that I talked about, right?
• 11:46
  So they always have something to say, like, oh, it was this
• 11:48
  thing. This podcast brought me in this
• 11:50
  episode, this post, or what have you, but I used to get this when
• 11:53
  I was younger therapist working in a group practice, so a lot of
• 11:57
  you may be in that situation where you're seeing therapists
• 12:00
  that are not me. Most of you are in that
• 12:02
  situation because I am only one person and so don't fit like you
• 12:07
  may feel like really depressed and anxious and stuff and
• 12:10
  whatever but and and think, okay, I should go into therapy
• 12:13
  and that's great. Once you get into therapy
• 12:16
  though, try try no matter what the therapist says or does you
• 12:21
  try because I'm trying to help you here, get the most bang for
• 12:24
  your buck and your limited time. You try to think as you're
• 12:29
  driving there or in the Half hour before you pick up your
• 12:32
  Telehealth. Call think what am I going to
• 12:36
  talk about? What is something that was
• 12:39
  emotionally? Salient to me this week.
• 12:42
  Therapist can really. Hopefully if they are any good,
• 12:47
  they can take something that you're worried about or thinking
• 12:49
  about or feeling about and you know go you know draw it out to
• 12:54
  a more macro level and you know, showcase patterns you know that
• 13:00
  that emerge and At include this situation, as well as other
• 13:03
  situations, why you may have been triggered by this
• 13:05
  situation. What you could have done next
• 13:07
  time, if the situation comes up, all sorts of stuff, all sorts of
• 13:10
  magical hat tricks, but if you come in and you're like, yeah,
• 13:15
  week was pretty good. Nah, you know.
• 13:18
  Yep. Yeah, you know, week was week
• 13:21
  was good, you know, so you come into therapy, right?
• 13:26
  So so try to think about something and now, Therapist
• 13:31
  won't let you off right there, some well, but some will say,
• 13:34
  well, what is it? What did you then want to talk
• 13:36
  about, or what about this thing from last time?
• 13:39
  And like if you're always like not thing from last time doesn't
• 13:41
  bother me anymore. You know?
• 13:43
  You were right? Yep.
• 13:45
  It it ended up blowing over with my husband.
• 13:47
  Yep. So so yeah, so kids are back in
• 13:52
  school. Yeah.
• 13:54
  Yeah. But like you know so like a
• 13:57
  seasoned therapist may be able to say oh you seem like you're
• 14:00
  erecting. Some Defenses or maybe, you
• 14:02
  know, you're ambivalent about being here or you know, what do
• 14:06
  you feel about the kids being back in school?
• 14:08
  But like we're just people, you know?
• 14:10
  And like you got an advocate for yourself in this world.
• 14:13
  And if you show up and you have nothing to talk about and you
• 14:18
  continually kind of evade, any attempts to go deeper on
• 14:22
  anything that you have to do the work, or at least I'm
• 14:25
  encouraging you right now to do the work to figure out, why am I
• 14:28
  wasting my time in therapy? And I'll You just says, you
• 14:31
  know, helpful hint the reasons you may be wasting your time and
• 14:34
  therapy are the ones. That I've said, you're scared
• 14:38
  about going deeper, there's something shameful that you
• 14:40
  actually don't want to discuss or share with the therapist and
• 14:43
  or you are lonely, and you just cut a need a friend to talk to,
• 14:47
  in which case therapy. You should bring that up with a
• 14:49
  therapist who can help you figure out how to, you know,
• 14:53
  buffer up your relationships in your life and or you are you
• 14:57
  were trained to be very suspicious and paranoid if
• 15:00
  therapy and your family of origin.
• 15:02
  So you remain so even though intellectually you want to be
• 15:05
  open to therapy, there's a lot of ambivalence.
• 15:07
  So if any of this speaks to you in your next session instead of
• 15:10
  just shooting the shit you should say, I find myself very
• 15:13
  conflicted about these sessions. I find myself very anxious about
• 15:16
  being boring to you. I find myself feeling disloyal
• 15:20
  to any person that I want to talk about in here or whatever
• 15:24
  the hell is going on. Those are just a few softballs
• 15:27
  to get you going. All right so Overview of this,
• 15:31
  just the tldr too long. Don't read from right at at the
• 15:35
  end is there are Myriad reasons and ways that why people waste
• 15:41
  their time in therapy? Don't be one of those people.
• 15:44
  You're listening to this podcast, you're obviously super
• 15:46
  interested in self-development. Everybody only has One Life to
• 15:50
  Live. You do not want 45 minutes of
• 15:52
  your life to be a total waste, you know, and if they have been
• 15:56
  sessions, have been a waste. Move forward to either a
• 15:59
  different therapist or try to To intensify your own treatment by
• 16:03
  using one of the things that I've told you to do in this
• 16:06
  session therapy can be super useful, but it isn't Magic.
• 16:11
  You have to try. You have to feel like you're
• 16:14
  trying, it's just like going to the gym if you don't feel like
• 16:16
  you're trying, you're not. So you can't just go to the gym
• 16:19
  and stand there and be like, oh good.
• 16:21
  I went to the gym today, you'd like, I guess, but you didn't
• 16:25
  really go to the gym for the purpose of going to the gym for
• 16:28
  what it's used for. You just stood there.
• 16:31
  And so don't let your therapy sessions but come that because
• 16:34
  you you don't have infinite time and money.
• 16:37
  Nobody does so advocate for yourself and hopefully you can
• 16:42
  make your therapy super productive which is what you
• 16:45
  deserve and it will be so much better if that is how you feel.
• 16:50
  After leaving a session is wow, I accomplished a lot.
• 16:52
  Alright, hopefully, everybody got something out of this and I
• 16:57
  will talk to you all soon.