Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Friday feature - saying sorry

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Friday feature - saying sorry · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production saying sorry. Yeah, when was the last time
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: you said a genuine, beautiful apology not a half fast
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: or so? I was about that, Yeah, so rewind it back.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: For me, I've had to really work on how to
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: say beautiful, genuine apologies because growing up I wasn't wrong
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: modeled that. And not to blame my parents, but it's
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: just factual. I didn't see my parents say sorry to
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: each other. I didn't see them saying sorry to me,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: So it was quite uncomfortable when when I first got
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: with Steve, Like, saying sorry to him was really awkward
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: and I just didn't know how to go about it,
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: and I was kind of stuck in my own head.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Obviously that was a long time ago. Yeah, back in
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: my day, sixteen years ago. But yeah, we're having these
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: conversations around how important it is to say a genuine
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: apology and how much it can bring you closer or
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: separate your actions.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: And leave those niggly feelings of being pissed at each
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: other rather than actually like getting through a good apology
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: and coming out the other end feeling more connected.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: You hold resentment, you really do, and it builds up
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: over time as well. Yeah, where you can squash something
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: so quickly with a genuine apology, and you think about it,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: most people like they really want to be seen, heard
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: and validated. And even if someone's done something really awful
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: to you, if they are genuinely sorry, like you can
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: forgive them. You can move past things, because we're all humans.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Humans are messy and we make mistakes. But with a
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: genuine apology, it heals. Yeah.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: And it's also about holding yourself accountable and knowing that
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: even if you know the way someone's done something isn't
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: the way that you would have liked it, that that's
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: their way of doing it, yes, and learning to accept
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: that and validate that and drop expectations.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Now everyone's going to show up the way that you
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: show up, or do things the way you're going to do.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: But yeah, really taking that ownership if you do do
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, fuck up, own
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: it and be able to apologize genuinely. So I wanted
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: to role play with me. Okay, you've done something really awful,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: said something, done something, give me a really shit shitty apology.
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: Oh well, I'm sorry I said that. Sorry if that
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: offended you, Yeah, and I giving you a really nice one. Oh, babe,
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: across that way. I understand how you're feeling, but when
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: that happened in that moment, I felt really angry. So
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: I probably said it in a way that I shouldn't have,
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: and I feel really bad about that. So I'm really
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: sorry if it made you feel upset in any way,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: Like how can we move through this? What could I
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: do better next time? And just tell them how much
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: you value them?
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Love that? And if you guys could see the energy
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: and her body language behind both the first one was
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: like upright and rigid, and like the hands were waving
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: and like the nose was scoched up, sussy as fuck.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: I love it when she softened to whole body soften,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: your voice soft and your tone soften. And that's something
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: that we should really touch on, is like when you
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: are giving an apology, your tone behind it and your
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: language behind it and your body language behind it actually
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: gonna say a lot more. Yeah.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: You know what I noticed too, is when I was
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: doing the role plays really helped us out here. When
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: I was the first one, I wasn't looking at you
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: in the eye because I even felt uncomfortable doing it.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: But then when I did the genuine apology, I was
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: actually speaking from my heart.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I had eye.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Contact with you, but the first one I kept looking away.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: And body language is really important and tone, like someone
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: could say, oh, I'm really sorry, but if their body
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: language is like arms folded, yeah, looking away, like kind
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: of like an eye roll or taking a big breath
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: or something, what's another example of bad body language or TONEAD.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: Body language or tone the little emphasizes on words like
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: oh sorry.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that kind of tone or like oh what I
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: am sorry, but youah blah blah blah blah, putting it
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: back on them sorry, And then you're saying, but if
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: you didn't do that, you're putting all the blame on them,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: so then they don't feel heard. It's not a proper
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: apology you were saying sorry. It is all about you.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: You're owning what you've done. You're honoring that person, and
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: you're trying to repair and bring it back together. And
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: I think you've got to remember too, when you're in
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: an into a relationship or even if this is friendship
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: or coworker's like, I remember, you're on the same team.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: It's not you against them, it's you guys against the prob. Yeah.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Something means Steve always say like if we get heated,
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: we're like, hey, this isn't us. We've got a problem
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: we're frustrated with, Like let's come together instead of like
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: you know, going head to heads. Yeah, sometimes when it
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: gets heated and one or two people aren't taking responsibility,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: it can feel like that.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I feel like too, it's easier in a
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: way to keep being rude because for a lot of
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: people to express how they're actually feeling and not know
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: how the other person is going to react. It's also
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: I feel like there's more bravery behind a sincere apology too.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Definitely not knowing.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: If you want to get shut down, because there's been
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: times like I can even reflect on different stories you've
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: told me where you've given a sincere, great apology and
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: then someone shut you down back, but you have the
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: weight off your shoulders because you have done the right
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: thing in that moment.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Another point that's just popped up for me too, is
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: when you are going in to say sorry, you have
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: to have zero expectations of how that person's going to respond.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: You're not going in there to get anything back. No,
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: if you are it's almost like you're trying to do
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: a business deal like contract or something. You're genuinely going
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: in to say sorry. That is it.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: You're clearing your own heart.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, regardless of their response.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: How they react is on them. How they respond is
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: on them.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: And it's their experience, their feelings and their own stuff
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: to deal with.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and their capacity. They might not have the capacity
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: that you do or the self awareness that you do. Exactly,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: I'm how to give a sincere apology.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: And some people can't meet you where they haven't met themselves. Yes, No,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I'm really really good at saying sorry, guitar. If I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: lose my cool or raise my voice, I'm very quick
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: to repair. And I think that's really important too, Like
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: you can't expect yourself to be perfect all the time.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: You're gonna make mistakes, You're gonna upset people, You're gonna
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: say things in the heat of the moment, or say
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: things that could have been worded differently. It's just once
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: again part of the human experience. We are messy. Humans
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: are messy. But the repair with kids I think super important,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: not only to role model them to normalize saying sorry,
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: but also just to bring that connection back in.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and that validation to them. And I feel like
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: when we were growing up, you never saw people apologizing
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: to kids. It was like, that's the way we doing
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: the house, that's that's.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Final, where I'm right, you're wrong. I feel like it.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: Must feel so beautiful for them that like their mum
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: and dad come up to them.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: But I imagine so imaginous.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: But I feel like that's a majority of the populations.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: This is no judgment. I love talking about this, but
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: there's no judgment against our parents because they were not right.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: They didn't have the skills, they didn't have the knowledge,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: they don't have podcasts to listen to and people to
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: coach them through. We know better, so we can do better,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: and then we're breaking those cycles for our children as well.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: So it's so normal now for me to say sorry
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: into like for stories to be in our household, that
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: when Taj grows up, that's just going to be normal.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: If he does the wrong thing or says the wrong thing,
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I upset someone, I'm hoping he will. That's just natural
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: for him. So when I lose my temper or raise
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: my voice or just say something that came out wrong,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: I'll get down on Targe's levels. I'll always lower myself
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: to his eye contact, look him in the eye, hold
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: his shoulders, and be like, I'm so sorry. That was
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: not your fault. I'll always take full ownership for it.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: Not your fault that mummy yelled I should have taken
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: big breaths. I'm feeling really, really tired, and that's not
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: an excuse. But next time when I feel like this,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: I'm going to take some time out and go do
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: some breathing, or I'm going to make sure they look
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: after myself a little bit better. But that is not
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: on you. And I'm really sorry that you know you
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: felt that. Yeah, And most of the time it's like
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: it's okay. I'm like, no, I'm genuine latime, are you okay?
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: It's so like forgiving, aren't they know? And then with
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Steve it's the same thing. I feel like the times,
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: I definitely still sometimes catch myself giving shitty apologies, Like
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: an example, when I'm really tired and I've snapped at
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: them for something and I'll just be like, oh, sorry, babe,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I'm just like I'm on my period, I'm really tired. Yeah,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: I was like, no, that's an apology. Ash and I'll
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: catch myself and I'm like, go back five minutes later, yeah,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: maybe ten, He'll say twenty later, and I'll snuggle in
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: and get close, like bring that physical connection and be like, babe,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: I'm really sorry, Like, yeah, I shouldn't have raised my
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: voice at you. I am on my period, I'm really tired,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: but I need to remove myself from the situation and
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: just go, like take a moment or communicate with you
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: how I'm feeling better. Yeah, so I'm really really sorry.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: One that gets me still is like certain things with
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: the kids and pairs, and I feel like that can
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: be a bit of a hot topic sometimes and like
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: curl do something and I'll go, oh, well, I'm sorry,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: but like we should do it this way, like or
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry or blah blah blah, and it's like, no,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: that's not the right way to say it. But then
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is having the self awareness
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: and then looking at it from the bigger picture. Whether
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: it takes ten minutes, sometimes it might take a day.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: It might be real heated, and then you go week, okay, yeah,
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: I've got to go back now and actually give this
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: sincere apology.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Definitely, yeah, it can take a little while for you
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: to even process something. Yeah, it might have been laying
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: in bed a week later and.
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: Just be like fuck, yeah, wow, I could have actually.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Said that better. Or sometimes i'll have a conversation with
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: a girlfriend or listen to something in a podcast and
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: they'll explain something. I'll be like, oh, I remember that conversation. Man,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: I would have done that so differently. So I'll go
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: revisit the conversation with Steve and be like, fuck, remember
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: when I said that I didn't actually mean it like that.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: That must have been really hurtful. How I feel for
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: you and open that up, and then he might be like, yeah, fuck,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: didn't feel good when you said that. I'd be like, yeah, yeah,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. I'm going to try really hard to
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: word that next time. I've got it more vocabulary now,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: but I'm really sorry if that hurt is not what
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: I meant. And then even if someone comes to you,
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: let's say, for example, you came to me instead you know,
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: really upset me when you did X y Z. Even
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: if I didn't have any bad intentions, it's still an
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: opportunity for me to repair. Yeah, And it's still an
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: opportunity for me to connect and build that trust with
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: you and say wow, Wow, I'm really sorry that you
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: felt like that. That was not my intention at all,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: and I'll be really mindful next time to word that differently. Yeah,
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: it's just the language and the tone that you're using
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: and the eye contact, the body language making them feel
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: safe that they can't come to you to express how
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: they're feeling, even if it's got nothing to do with
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: you or you didn't mean to. Yeah, but it's such
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: an important life skill that all of us need. Yeah,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: everyone wants to be seeing her and validated. Yeah, if
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: you want to see more apologies and more people treating
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: you like this, be the change. You've got to do
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: that too.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: They'll marry you. When she did that to me, she
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: came to me and said, sorry, I probably.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: Owe a good apology for that. Yeah, it's cool when
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: you take time to do things like meditate, slow down,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: and journal, because things like this can come up, pop up,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: and a lot of time you might even carrying a
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: bit of shame and embarrassment around something you've said or done,
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: even if it's years later. I saw something and now
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: grow and go for them. Actually, and it was a
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: girl basically saying that she had a falling out with
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: her friends a long time ago, and now she'd like
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: to go back and say sorry, but it's been so long,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: and a lot of the advice was, now, I don't
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: go back there, don't say anything, and she's got to
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: do what feels good for her. But I was like,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: on reflection thinking about it, I was like, I think
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: that would be really nice if she just popped them
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: a message. There's no expectations for them to write back.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: They probably won't, but for you to just be like, hey,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: seven years ago when our friendship blah blah blah, whatever happened,
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: I'm really sorry for the way that I showed up.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: I did the best I could with what I had,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: but I know better now and I wouldn't do it
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: like that. I wouldn't need to know like I.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: See you, and even for them to know playing on
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: their mind, yeah, you know, like so healing so beautiful.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: And thing is, you don't know someone's background, you don't
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: know their trauma. It's something that you might not be
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: phased on, might be extremely traumatic from an event that's
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: happened to them. Yep, they don't know how to handle it.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: So I still don't judge them for how they're responding
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: or reacting because you don't know what that feels like
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: for them.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and so on apology to for a really reactive person,
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: it might not be something that can happen face to face.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: For someone who's super reactive and might be writing them
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: an email, writing them a letter, writing a text message,
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: voice notes so then they can hear it in your
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: sincerety in your voice still, But if someone's super reacted to,
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: it's kind of you can still get off your own chest.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so true. Different people are going to have
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: different ways that they like to have conversations and feel
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: heard and feel safe, and even some people just find
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: face to face conversations really confronting totally, So prefer a
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: voice note where they can take their time to think
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: about what they're going to say and make sure they
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: are wording it right. And that's not a bad thing either.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: That's what they need to do to be able to
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: voice something in a nicer way. Good on them for
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: having the self awareness to be like, I can't do
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: face to face right now, but this is important to me.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Every human is just so different. Hey, Yeah, like even
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: talking about this, you just think about every person you.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Know, different things that have happened in their life, the
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: different quotes they've got
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Things that have shaped them to be who they are
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: and how they respond and the capacity they have to
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: be able to hold