Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / Trump’s Fantasyland 911 Lies, 5K Bribes, Air Force One Disaster | Breaking Absurdiity Ep 38

Transcript

Trump’s Fantasyland 911 Lies, 5K Bribes, Air Force One Disaster | Breaking Absurdiity Ep 38 · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

• 0:00
  Trump is facing backlash after claiming that
• 0:02
  two big strong firefighters literally lifted
• 0:04
  him up and carried him away from danger during
• 0:06
  9 -11. The story has been widely challenged with
• 0:09
  no evidence that the alleged rescue ever happened.
• 0:11
  Trump naturally responded by insisting that everything
• 0:14
  he said was exactly accurate. Our exclusive investigation
• 0:17
  suggests Trump was indeed rescued by a firefighter.
• 0:20
  She was wearing stilettos, and she had long blonde
• 0:23
  hair flowing dramatically from underneath her
• 0:25
  helmet. Full story coming up. And somehow, that
• 0:28
  still wasn't the strangest thing Trump said this
• 0:30
  week. His brand new Qatari -donated Air Force
• 0:33
  One was delayed when its emergency slide suddenly
• 0:35
  deployed. Officials say it was a crew mistake.
• 0:38
  We have another theory coming up soon. Meanwhile,
• 0:41
  the Republican midterm convention has kicked
• 0:43
  off in Dallas. Some sections of the arena were
• 0:45
  looking a little spacious, but Republicans did
• 0:48
  manage to fill the giant screens, including with
• 0:51
  a photo of left -wing streamer Hassan Piker in
• 0:53
  his underwear, which is certainly an interesting
• 0:55
  choice for a party that has spent years dealing
• 0:57
  with the recurring phenomenon of grinder crashing
• 0:59
  during Republican conventions. Coincidence? We'll
• 1:02
  investigate. But Donald Trump has a new strategy
• 1:05
  to help Republicans win the midterms. Give every
• 1:08
  American $5 ,000 because apparently if you can't
• 1:11
  win the traditional way, you can always bribe
• 1:13
  the voters. And finally, Australian absurdity
• 1:16
  where Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese
• 1:18
  is under a corruption investigation for forgetting
• 1:21
  he had an honorary golf membership from 15 years
• 1:24
  ago. Australians can try all they want, but they're
• 1:27
  really bad at corruption. So pop your popcorn
• 1:29
  and get comfortable, because this one is gonna
• 1:31
  be a wild ride. It's time for Breaking Absurdity.
• 1:37
  Everything you didn't know you needed to know
• 1:39
  today, but wish you hadn't. Ads help keep the
• 1:42
  lights on here at It's Not Satire. But if ads
• 1:44
  give you the ick, let me help you with that.
• 1:46
  If you want all the absurdity without the ads,
• 1:48
  subscribe to my sub stack and look for the ad
• 1:50
  -free podcast option. The link is in the show
• 1:52
  notes. Now let's get into the absurdity. So,
• 1:57
  about that 9 -11 story, at yesterday's ceremony
• 2:00
  at the Pentagon, Trump gave a rather extraordinary
• 2:03
  account of what happened after the attacks. According
• 2:05
  to Trump, he sent a large group of his employees
• 2:08
  down to ground zero, and then things got pretty
• 2:10
  dramatic. And apparently, this wasn't an easy
• 2:26
  rescue. This is not easy to do. I'm big. That's
• 2:30
  right. In the middle of a potential building
• 2:32
  collapse, two firefighters apparently looked
• 2:34
  at Donald Trump and thought, we've got to carry
• 2:37
  this man. Trump says they started running with
• 2:39
  him, at which point he apparently felt compelled
• 2:41
  to reassure them that he was perfectly capable
• 2:43
  of running himself. They lifted me up and they
• 2:46
  started running with me. I said, fellas, I can
• 2:48
  run myself. Which is an extraordinary story.
• 2:51
  There is, however, one small problem. There doesn't
• 2:54
  appear to be any evidence that this actually
• 2:55
  happened. Trump's account of being at ground
• 2:57
  zero and being rescued by firefighters has been
• 3:00
  challenged by reporters from multiple outlets.
• 3:02
  His account of visiting the U .S. steel building
• 3:04
  has also been questioned. And Trump, when challenged,
• 3:07
  wasn't backing down. He posted on True Social
• 3:09
  that everything he said was exactly accurate.
• 3:12
  Well, if that's the case, I think it's time we
• 3:15
  reconstruct the scene. After an exhaustive investigation,
• 3:18
  by which I mean absolutely no investigation whatsoever,
• 3:21
  I believe we've finally established what really
• 3:24
  happened. Trump was indeed rescued by a firefighter.
• 3:27
  Our sources tell us she was wearing the standard
• 3:30
  -issue firefighter uniform. Mostly, there were
• 3:33
  a few deviations. For starters, stilettos. And
• 3:37
  beneath her firefighter helmet was a magnificent
• 3:39
  cascade of long blonde MAGA hair. But the rescue
• 3:43
  itself was textbook. She grabbed Trump and pulled
• 3:46
  him to safety. There was just one unusual detail.
• 3:49
  She didn't take him to an ambulance. She loaded
• 3:51
  him into a golf cart. Presumably, she was taking
• 3:55
  him back to his Bedminster golf club, and touchingly,
• 3:58
  she was carrying a letter. It said, I will never
• 4:00
  leave you. I think we can all agree that our
• 4:03
  reconstruction is considerably more plausible
• 4:05
  than the president's. And unlike Trump, I have
• 4:08
  a photograph. Granted. I made the photograph,
• 4:10
  but still, evidence. And honestly, if you're
• 4:13
  going to invent a heroic 9 -11 rescue story,
• 4:15
  you might as well make sure there's a golf cart.
• 4:17
  And speaking of Trump and unexpected evacuations,
• 4:20
  his new Qatari gifted Air Force One had a little
• 4:23
  incident of its own just before Trump was due
• 4:25
  to fly to Dallas. An emergency evacuation slide
• 4:28
  suddenly deployed from the side of the aircraft
• 4:30
  at Joint Base Andrews. Trump was waiting nearby
• 4:33
  at Marine One and naturally reporters wanted
• 4:35
  to know what the hell was going on. I think it's
• 4:38
  going to take 15 minutes. They were doing a check
• 4:41
  on the slide, you know, the emergency. So I think
• 4:45
  it takes about 15 minutes. So we're heading over
• 4:48
  to Dallas. I think we're going to have a tremendous
• 4:51
  crowd tonight. Right. The emergency slide is
• 4:54
  deployed. The plane isn't going anywhere. And
• 4:56
  Trump would like everyone to know that everything
• 4:58
  is working perfectly, which is technically a
• 5:01
  very reassuring answer in the same way that I'm
• 5:04
  sure the parachute works or I wouldn't be jumping
• 5:06
  is reassuring. The slide was eventually deflated,
• 5:09
  removed, and the plane took off for Dallas. But
• 5:12
  I have another theory. Maybe the crew didn't
• 5:14
  accidentally deploy the emergency slide. Maybe
• 5:17
  Air Force One finally had enough. It saw where
• 5:19
  Trump was going, it saw the Republican midterm
• 5:21
  convention, and it said nope. Honestly, I can't
• 5:25
  blame it. Meanwhile, the Republican Party has
• 5:28
  kicked off its first ever midterm convention
• 5:30
  in Dallas. The idea is to rally the troops ahead
• 5:33
  of November, and judging by the opening scenes,
• 5:36
  the troops may have gotten lost. There were plenty
• 5:39
  of empty seats around the arena, with large sections
• 5:41
  of the upper levels looking particularly spacious.
• 5:45
  And several Republicans facing competitive races
• 5:47
  decided not to attend at all. Which is understandable.
• 5:51
  If you're trying to win a swing district, you
• 5:53
  probably don't want to spend two days standing
• 5:55
  underneath a giant photograph of Donald Trump
• 5:57
  while he explains how unpopular you are. But
• 6:00
  the convention did have one important message
• 6:02
  for America. The Republican Party is very concerned
• 6:05
  about the left. Very, very concerned. So concerned,
• 6:08
  in fact, that they put a giant photograph of
• 6:11
  left -wing streamer Hassan Piker in his underwear.
• 6:14
  on the big screen. Because apparently this is
• 6:17
  what passes for political opposition now. As
• 6:20
  one Instagram commenter put it, showing a giant
• 6:23
  image of a man in a closet to a giant room full
• 6:26
  of men in the closet is chef's kiss so perfectly
• 6:29
  meta for the RNC. And honestly, I couldn't have
• 6:32
  put it better myself. And speaking of men in
• 6:35
  the closet, reports are circulating that Grindr's
• 6:37
  servers around the convention area are down,
• 6:40
  and I'm sure it doesn't have anything to do with
• 6:42
  the Republican convention, right? Harry Sisson
• 6:44
  posted this earlier today. A major Grindr outage
• 6:48
  is taking place in Dallas right now, which just
• 6:51
  also happens to be the location of the Republican
• 6:53
  midterm convention. If you look at the map where
• 6:56
  users are reporting problems with the app, you
• 6:58
  can see that Dallas is bright red, where all
• 7:01
  these Republicans just happen to be right now.
• 7:03
  I just find it interesting that anytime the Republicans
• 7:05
  have a major gathering, the app always seems
• 7:07
  to have problems in that city. Wonder what that
• 7:10
  means. Well, I think we all know what happened.
• 7:14
  The Republican party put Hassan Piker in his
• 7:16
  underwear in a giant screen, and somewhere in
• 7:18
  Dallas, Grindr simply said, we're done here.
• 7:22
  And honestly, after seeing that picture, I think
• 7:24
  we all understand why. And of course, the keynote
• 7:26
  speaker at the convention was Donald Trump himself,
• 7:29
  and Trump had some inspiring words to really
• 7:31
  motivate Republican voters ahead of the midterms.
• 7:34
  But the only condition on the payment of this
• 7:37
  dividend that we're going to be making. So it's
• 7:39
  $5 ,000 to every adult. The only caveat I have
• 7:45
  is that the dividend that we're making must be
• 7:49
  spent in the United States of America. We don't
• 7:52
  want you... If the Republicans win, if you win,
• 7:56
  we might not win. The reason the Democrats can't
• 7:59
  do that is because they don't do tariffs, they
• 8:02
  don't take in money. All they know is poverty
• 8:04
  and how to ruin our country. But we're making
• 8:07
  a fortune. So if the Republicans win, you win
• 8:10
  with us and you get $5 ,000, it will be called
• 8:15
  the Trump dividend. We'll call it the Trump dividend.
• 8:19
  That's right. Trump has decided that rather than
• 8:21
  convincing voters of the great policy, he'll
• 8:23
  just flat out bribe them. And finally, from American
• 8:27
  political absurdity to Australian political absurdity,
• 8:31
  because while American corruption tends to involve
• 8:33
  things like billion dollar deals and 400 million
• 8:35
  dollar jets, Australia has apparently decided
• 8:37
  to keep things a little more modest. American
• 8:40
  corruption is nothing compared to Australian
• 8:42
  corruption, just ask the Australian Prime Minister,
• 8:45
  who's currently under investigation for the international
• 8:47
  crime of forgetting he had a golf membership
• 8:49
  from 15 years ago. And here's where it gets really
• 8:52
  serious, he doesn't even play golf. And he didn't
• 8:56
  even know he was still an honorary member. And
• 8:58
  you thought Trump's receipt of a $400 million
• 9:01
  Qatari jet looked bad? Turns out, Albanese says
• 9:04
  he didn't even know he was still an honorary
• 9:06
  member. And apparently, the membership hadn't
• 9:08
  been reaffirmed in years. But don't worry, the
• 9:11
  Australian Broadcasting Corporation is apparently
• 9:13
  focused on the stories that matter to everyday
• 9:15
  Australians, like when the prime minister got
• 9:17
  free upgrades to business class. That's right,
• 9:20
  Australians don't want to see their prime minister
• 9:22
  in business. They want to squeeze right next
• 9:24
  to him in a middle coach seat and say, yeah,
• 9:26
  that's our prime minister. No upgrades for him.
• 9:29
  Australia has this corruption thing completely
• 9:30
  under control. And there you have it, another
• 9:33
  day of breaking absurdity, your daily reminder
• 9:35
  that this is not normal. Be sure to like and
• 9:39
  subscribe to help me keep bringing you more daily
• 9:41
  absurdity. And if ads aren't your thing then
• 9:44
  remember to check out the ad free version of
• 9:46
  this podcast on my sub stack. Just click on the
• 9:48
  link in the show notes and look for the ad free
• 9:51
  podcast in the subscription options.