Latest / Questionable Detour / Murdering armadillos in front of your family, a bird cult, finding your boyfriend in witness protection.

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Murdering armadillos in front of your family, a bird cult, finding your boyfriend in witness protection. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:17
Well, I think we owe the Saturday Workers an explanation. We didn't upload last week, and I know there were many people weeping and gnashing their teeth, putting ashes in their hair, grieving as if they've lost a loved one because they didn't have a questionable detour episode Monday.
0:44
Are they grieving like that because they're also old Jewish people?
0:50
Yeah, we cater only to old Jewish biblical people.
0:57
They grieve like Pharisees, OK?
1:02
We target specifically people from the early 80s.
1:06
The early 80s, yeah.
1:08
If you're not one of the from the 12 tribes, we don't want to talk to you.
1:13
That's right. It's a niche market that I don't think anybody really gets into.
1:18
Why we say Shalom?
1:21
Shabbat Shalom.
1:23
Do you know what that means?
1:24
I would assume it means help. I have a flat tire.
1:28
I don't know enough about Judaism to repeat that.
1:30
Shalom means peace, I believe.
1:32
What about the Shabbat piece?
1:33
I think Shabbat means good luck getting, and then Shabbat Shalom, so good luck getting peace.
1:39
Like, I know you want it, but good luck with it.
1:41
Yeah, it seems like a threat.
1:44
But we did miss because of Thanksgiving because we are thankful.
1:48
So being that we missed because of Thanksgiving, why don't you tell everybody what you're thankful for?
1:53
And maybe that will calm their spirit because we missed.
1:56
I'm going to let y'all go first, but I just want to let y'all go first because I want to hear.
2:02
I'm assuming it's going to be something around thankful for having a good friend that opens his
2:07
house to you every week and for a podcast, maybe, cleans his house, kind of just gets it ready.
2:16
I'm just assuming it's going to be something revolving around that.
2:19
If you didn't have any ideas already, there's one.
2:21
You've already said it, so you got your reward.
2:26
Here's the thing, though, Evan. I am not grateful over my rights.
2:32
You know, because they're my rights.
2:35
To be in my house?
2:36
You know, here I am.
2:38
What amendment does that fall under?
2:41
I think it was the first thing all the founding fathers signed before they got to the Constitution.
2:47
They were like, well, we have to sign the Declaration of Independence in the Constitution.
2:51
First, they were like, we have a very important document that we should get to.
2:55
And that's the document that everybody should be able to stay in Evan's house whenever they want.
2:59
It was an extension of the you can't quarter truths,
3:03
but there was a little clause at the end that was except for Evan.
3:07
He can quarter troops and really quarter anybody.
3:09
So to my point, I don't have to be grateful over my rights because they are, by definition, my rights.
3:15
I agree with that.
3:16
And honestly, I'm just like to take this moment to say how thankful I am for our founding fathers for making that rule.
3:22
Really paving the road to a country of freedom.
3:25
There have really been so many times that I've been just aimlessly driving around town and maybe I need to eat an apple or something.
3:32
I'm just a few minutes from Evan's house.
3:34
Let's go see what he's got.
3:36
Evan doesn't have any apples because he's not he's not healthy.
3:40
I don't.
3:41
Is that what you're thankful for, though?
3:42
Is that what your answer is?
3:44
It is now.
3:45
Yeah, OK, I'm just I'm thankful just to just to be able to drop in any time.
3:49
I'm I can't.
3:50
You said you said drop in.
3:51
Is that the reason there's a hole in the ceiling?
3:53
Because you drop in like a like an 80s rock star about to play his famous song.
3:58
That's that's how I get in a parachute in.
4:01
OK, it's a very short parachute fall.
4:04
It is.
4:05
It has been very cold recently, so Evan has been kind of subtly talking about how he doesn't like the hole in the roof.
4:13
It is pretty drafty.
4:15
Hard to insulate.
4:16
I'm just sitting here telling him to take it up with the founding fathers.
4:20
I there's nothing that I can do about this.
4:22
I hate it here.
4:25
OK, thankful for being able to drop into Evan's house.
4:28
Yeah, I again, I'm not thankful for that.
4:30
So that's not going to be my thankful explanation.
4:34
I actually was able to ride public transit earlier this week.
4:39
And again, it was cold.
4:41
So and I and I got to sit right next to a human being that was six hundred and fifty pounds.
4:48
Wow.
4:49
And here's the thing about that.
4:50
Yes, he sounded like a B-52 taking off.
4:53
He was sucking in oxygen and expelling more carbon dioxide than the Chinese industrial empire.
5:01
But boy, was he warm and he put off heat.
5:04
The human sun probably had its own gravitational pull.
5:08
It had its gravitational pull.
5:10
I was walking in freezing and icicle and I sat beside him and all of a sudden I felt like I was on a beach and it was just as humid as a beach because he was sweating.
5:20
But I want to be thankful for fat people.
5:23
I thought you were going to go with being thankful for public transit there for a second.
5:26
Oh, you took a turn.
5:29
I mean, I guess thank you for public transit, you know, for setting me up for that.
5:35
I mean, yeah, definitely.
5:36
What very little we have here.
5:39
I'm so confused.
5:40
Why was I because I was looking for a fat person to sit next to it.
5:43
It's a big circular reason here.
5:45
It's kind of weird because we sort of know what you're doing most of the time.
5:48
Yeah.
5:49
So the fact that you were on public transit and we're just now finding out about it is kind of odd.
5:53
Well, I don't like the fact that you know what I'm doing most of the time, so I really have to mix it up.
5:56
Do you ever convince the fat guy to walk around with you so you could stay warm?
6:01
There is nothing below a large pepperoni pizza that will get that man to walk.
6:06
See, I don't see him as walkers, though.
6:08
They're not walkers.
6:09
They're riders because they use scooters.
6:12
There it is.
6:12
OK.
6:13
OK.
6:13
You know, that also brings up a thought that I had.
6:16
Like, it must be terrible to be 650 pounds, right?
6:19
Like, you know, arteries clogged, breathing difficulties, vascular issues in the legs.
6:25
But to get to 650 pounds must be one of the greatest experiences somebody can have.
6:31
Eating all of that food, thousands of calories a day.
6:34
That seems like heaven.
6:35
Throwing caution to the wind.
6:39
Not a care in the world.
6:40
Yeah, that's just that's what I was thinking while I was sitting next to him.
6:44
Like, boy, I don't want to be him.
6:46
The journey.
6:46
Yeah, I want to be with him on his journey.
6:49
But there you go.
6:50
Thank you for fat people.
6:51
Thank you, fat people for existing.
6:52
Evan, the spirit of Thanksgiving.
6:54
What are you thankful for?
6:55
I got to say I'm probably most thankful for robbery.
7:00
OK.
7:01
I would like to take that at face value.
7:03
I would just kind of move on.
7:04
But I am going to have we're going to have to slow it down
7:07
and maybe ask you why you're thankful for robbery.
7:10
I didn't know you were pro robbery.
7:11
So this is news to me.
7:12
I didn't know I was either until
7:14
OK, the 30 seconds ago.
7:17
These past months, slowly but surely, just been accumulating
7:22
just small amounts of pocket change from various people.
7:25
Oh, you're like a pickpocket.
7:26
And building a small empire from pennies and nickel
7:29
from people's pockets from people's pockets.
7:30
How are you doing that?
7:31
Slide my hand in there.
7:33
So tells me you're not very around.
7:35
So it tells me you're not very low key about this.
7:39
And it just seems like somebody trying to catch a fish in a bucket.
7:42
I never know what's going to be in there when I reach in.
7:45
But you know what they say?
7:47
Everybody quits before their big win.
7:50
You know?
7:50
Yeah.
7:50
Yeah.
7:51
It's kind of what I'm aiming for is I just one of these days
7:53
I'm going to reach in there and there's going to be six quarters.
7:57
Oh, OK.
7:57
And I'm going to get I guess big win is relative.
8:00
Yeah.
8:00
Yeah.
8:02
Six quarters a big win for you.
8:04
When you've been getting nickels and pennies for, I don't know, three months,
8:08
just one quarter feels like a million dollars.
8:11
OK, to me, it sounds like you really just want to buy a Coke from a vending machine.
8:16
Your goal is to just get one fifty.
8:19
I imagine you walk up to a vending machine, you see an ice cold Coke
8:23
and you reach in your pocket and pull them out like you're a little rascals.
8:27
You pull them out like your bunny ear in your your pocket and then you just spin.
8:31
Yeah.
8:33
You look around for somebody to pick pocket.
8:35
What's your bandit name?
8:38
A lot of bandits have a have a really clever name.
8:41
I don't have a clever one, but I have Coin Man.
8:44
OK, you just called yourself Coin Man.
8:48
Now, Zach, I adventure to say it correct me if I'm wrong.
8:51
That is not clever.
8:55
It is not clever.
8:56
I think it's mostly describing exactly what you are,
8:59
but it does it does really get the point across.
9:01
That was my first my first run at the name.
9:03
Yeah.
9:04
Actually, I revised it since then.
9:06
Thirty seconds ago.
9:07
Yeah.
9:07
Well, you know, I went by that for the first month and everybody was like, Man,
9:12
sounds like you're a superhero powered by coins.
9:16
Sounds like I'm the vending machine.
9:18
Now, I felt like Coin Man was too much.
9:22
It's too lofty of a name for me.
9:24
So I went back and I was very dramatic.
9:26
Now I go by Coin Boy.
9:30
Coin Boy.
9:35
Coin Boy.
9:35
Coin Boy.
9:38
I like it a lot better.
9:40
You sound like a fat Chinese superhero that just kind of bounces around off of things.
9:45
Or like a really bad rapper.
9:48
Featuring Coin Boy.
9:52
So that's where I go by now.
9:53
All right.
9:54
Well, Coin Boy.
9:57
All right, corn boy.
9:58
I just is your slogan be the change you want to see?
10:03
They got stolen from me in a presidential campaign.
10:05
Yeah, it's trademarked.
10:06
Well, there you go.
10:07
Just three thankful people.
10:09
Welcome to Questionable Detour.
10:11
Let's do a hypothetical.
10:12
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
10:17
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
10:21
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
10:23
We are a little late, but being in the spirit of Thanksgiving,
10:27
our hypothetical has to do with probably the most common tradition within Thanksgiving.
10:32
That's going over to family, having a ton of food, being gluttonous while there's
10:37
some people in the world that don't even get a meal and being thankful for it.
10:41
So when you go over to family's houses, what do y'all do to make it a memorable Thanksgiving meal?
10:47
To me, what's important, and I'm sure you could all agree, is spending time with family
10:51
and the conversations you have at dinner.
10:53
Yeah.
10:54
The conversations are what make it memorable.
10:56
It's how you connect with your family.
10:57
So I try to make the conversation memorable so that people feel like we've connected.
11:01
So of course, the best way to do that is to engage each and every person one by one
11:06
in telling them about my fly swatter collection.
11:09
You have a fly swatter? I'm immediately curious.
11:11
An extensive fly swatter collection.
11:12
Yeah. Well, continue, but we're going to get to the fly swatter collection.
11:16
So of course, I go one by one down the table, making direct eye contact,
11:21
and going into excruciating detail about each and every one of my 16 fly swatters.
11:26
Are you touching tips with everybody?
11:27
Are you touching nose tips as you get very close to them?
11:30
Well, yeah. Well, you got to you want to see the sweat in their eyes.
11:34
They have sweat in their eyes.
11:37
How nervous are you making these people?
11:39
Is it their sweat or your sweat?
11:41
I don't like to think of it as them being nervous,
11:44
more of them concentrating so hard on what I'm saying that they are just.
11:48
Putting so much effort.
11:50
They are just straining people.
11:53
Please tell me more. Please tell me more about your fly swatters.
11:57
Sweating like a police informant before central air conditioning.
12:01
They leave dehydrated with hemorrhoids
12:05
with all the effort they put into that conversation.
12:08
And I'm just keeping my eyes locked.
12:09
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
12:10
Just going through. Yeah, this red one, it I've killed about 13 flies, 16 mosquitoes,
12:16
and I actually got a beetle on.
12:18
Oh, man.
12:20
What's their normal reaction when you tell them you
12:22
when you drop the information that you got a beetle?
12:24
I noticed they start sweating just even more.
12:27
And it's just are these people beetles?
12:31
Are you sitting around a tiny little table with dead beetles
12:34
that you have claimed as your family?
12:36
You murdered them and then you went around telling them about how you murdered them.
12:43
You have a little bug collection that you.
12:46
Where's your family?
12:48
It's the holiday of being thankful.
12:50
And what's that to describe anything?
12:52
What makes them more thankful than sitting around with a bunch of family that.
12:59
Sure.
13:00
Loose, loose.
13:02
Family is what you make it, you know?
13:04
Yeah, sure.
13:05
And family is the friends and the beetles you made along the way.
13:08
You have a lot of dumb saying for family
13:12
for somebody that has killed beetles and then put them around a tiny table
13:16
and is doing family Thanksgiving with those dead beetles.
13:20
Listen, I've had a way too many beetles in my house.
13:24
And I want these deals to know when I go one by one,
13:27
I want them to know and go back to their family.
13:29
I want them to haunt their family, their ghosts of them to tell their beetle family.
13:34
So hey, this guy's psycho.
13:39
Murdered us.
13:40
So there is a man in history is he was Ivan the Impaler.
13:44
And what he would do was as he conquered people,
13:47
he would then impale their bodies, heads on pikes out in front of his castle,
13:52
out in front of their castle.
13:53
Wasn't it Vlad the Impaler?
13:55
It was Vlad the Impaler, but his lesser known brother, Ivan.
14:01
That's just your name for him.
14:03
You guys are on.
14:04
Yeah, Vlad the Impaler.
14:06
I'm wondering, is this is this what you do to these poor beetle families?
14:11
Do you impale the dead beetles in front of them to maybe send a message?
14:16
I'm not above it.
14:17
Yeah, I just gave him an idea.
14:19
If the haunting doesn't work, then that's next step, I'm assuming.
14:22
So now that we've established Evan's Thanksgiving,
14:25
so you are going around a tiny table and looking as close as you can at these little bugs
14:29
and just telling them in now a threatening manner how you killed them and their family.
14:35
It's all about context.
14:36
In my context, it's a lot more friendly.
14:41
But when you give it all the details, sure, it makes me sound like a bad guy.
14:46
Yeah, it makes you sound like a bad guy.
14:48
That's why I like to leave out details.
14:52
That's why I like to lie.
14:56
Because I don't like to be shedding this kind of light, you know?
14:59
Yeah.
14:59
If you could just describe your favorite fly swatter to us.
15:02
Oh, yeah.
15:03
Now you got my pants getting tight.
15:06
So all right, it's retractable, foldable, compact, easy to travel.
15:13
Travel size, for sure.
15:14
Every day carry, I like that.
15:16
I imagine it's like a butterfly knife.
15:17
Can you do tricks with it?
15:18
Of course.
15:19
Of course.
15:20
It wouldn't be my favorite if it wasn't.
15:22
And it's black and yellow, kind of looks like bumblebee.
15:26
You love a good irony.
15:27
Yeah, I love irony and I love to be reminded of why I do it.
15:31
It's always just about the reminders.
15:33
But you haven't explained why you do it.
15:36
And in fact, you gloss over it completely.
15:38
Well, he loves to be reminded, but it sounds like he doesn't want us to know.
15:41
OK, OK.
15:41
Anyway, continue, continue on this on this beautiful device.
15:46
It's sleek, futuristic.
15:50
It can tell you it can sense when there's a bug around
15:53
and just kind of start beeping at you, say, hey, look to your right.
15:56
Oh, it tells you exactly where it whispers in my ear and says, hey,
16:01
you got a little mosquito on your right.
16:05
You should put my little force behind this one.
16:08
Oh, I get the blood splatter.
16:12
And I would love for you to swing me into that thing.
16:18
It's sentient.
16:20
It's aware of its existence.
16:22
It loves what it does.
16:25
When you love what you do, you never work a day.
16:28
You're full of wisdom.
16:30
So I enjoy summing up things.
16:32
So Evans Thanksgiving consists of killing, massacring beetles.
16:38
Insects, putting them around a little tiny Thanksgiving table,
16:42
threatening them with death and how they died, and then going back
16:46
and talking to an inanimate object by himself.
16:49
I that sums it up.
16:51
Yeah, sounds good to me.
16:52
I mean, you left out some details, but sure.
16:54
Oh, I think I summed it up perfectly.
16:56
I think it's really the footnotes there.
16:57
Really make me look like a bad guy, but I don't think you were ever saying.
17:03
I don't think you're ever in our reality.
17:05
You know, what's weird, though, is Evan described himself as painting
17:08
him as a bad guy.
17:10
None of this is really bad.
17:12
It's just weird.
17:14
Yeah.
17:15
Morally, I don't think you would get in trouble if you if everybody do this.
17:19
People kill bugs every day.
17:21
It's the the length that you go to.
17:24
It's how personal you take it.
17:26
Even the pest control guys would be like, dude, Tony.
17:29
Yeah.
17:31
I like, Whoa.
17:32
OK, well, uh,
17:33
let's move on.
17:34
Alan, the family man that you are, the patriarch.
17:38
Yeah.
17:39
Some call you, I think, probably.
17:40
They do.
17:41
They do.
17:43
No kids.
17:43
People just call me the patriarch.
17:45
Yeah, because they respect me.
17:47
What did you do to make Thanksgiving family dinner memorable?
17:51
So I think one of the best things about Thanksgiving dinner is the food.
17:55
Yeah.
17:56
And you know what's not memorable?
17:58
A turkey.
17:58
So common.
17:59
You're not sticking out.
18:00
It's like a little bit of a
18:01
holiday, but you're not sticking out.
18:03
It's all the holidays are just going to run together.
18:05
Yeah.
18:06
There's nothing you can do to make that make that stick out.
18:09
So what I like to do is you have turkey for every holiday.
18:12
Yeah.
18:13
Every holiday.
18:14
Memorial Day.
18:17
So what I do is I come up with a different animal instead of a turkey.
18:22
What my family likes to do is a good old fashioned armadillo boil.
18:28
Boil.
18:28
You boil it.
18:32
Oh no, we boil that bad boy.
18:34
So you just kind of take it dead.
18:36
Of course.
18:37
And you kind of curled up in a ball.
18:39
You sort of open it up.
18:40
Yeah.
18:40
Yeah, absolutely.
18:41
She had to fill that thing with butter and oranges and wait, do you gut it?
18:45
Nope.
18:47
Nope.
18:47
Now as the armadillo connoisseur, is there a term for gutted and not gutted?
18:54
When you don't gut it, they just call it bone in.
18:56
Okay.
18:57
That's a classic term.
18:58
This is a bone in, even though it's not, even though it's not about bones, it's about
19:01
the liver.
19:02
There's still a lot of bones in there.
19:03
Okay.
19:05
Don't misunderstand me now.
19:06
So you just fill that round body with just oranges, some fruit, some butter.
19:13
I didn't know fruit would go with armadillo.
19:15
You know, you wouldn't think so.
19:16
And a lot of people, a lot of people question it, but what I tell them is I'm like, eat a
19:19
dinner at my table, come sit by my hearth and eat my boiled armadillo.
19:25
With fruit in it.
19:26
With fruit in it.
19:27
You know, well, you want to be, you want to be healthy.
19:29
It sounds like you're just eating fruit out of an armadillo bowl.
19:32
You could be.
19:33
We also have cranberry sauce too.
19:35
Oh, okay.
19:35
Well that makes a difference.
19:36
Okay.
19:37
Yeah.
19:37
Take a can of cranberry sauce and just throw the whole thing in there.
19:41
With the can?
19:42
Yeah.
19:43
So I imagine I sit around your table and you put an armadillo upside down on a plate.
19:49
It's looking nasty and white because it's just been boiled.
19:55
Just pale.
19:55
It's just pale.
19:57
No hair.
19:58
And I imagine it's kind of like a little surprise about what you're about to get in.
20:02
This armadillo.
20:04
Is it going to be fruit?
20:05
Is it going to be a can of cranberry sauce?
20:08
Bone in armadillo, bone in cranberry.
20:13
Is it going to be the new pair of sneakers that you wanted?
20:17
But you set that thing on the table and you kind of, at this point, it's all rolled up into a ball.
20:21
Okay.
20:21
Yeah.
20:22
So you get out the family chisel and the family hammer
20:25
and you just kind of crack that thing.
20:27
How long are you boiling these?
20:29
This is all moisture has left his body.
20:35
Hard enough for a chisel after boiling them.
20:39
This is like a week long boil.
20:41
Oh, oh yeah.
20:41
Yeah.
20:42
We start the Thursday before things.
20:46
And we just crack that thing open like a crab leg.
20:51
On like Friday, they go to check it.
20:53
That boy's not set yet.
20:55
Yeah, he's not.
20:56
He's not aged.
20:57
Probably.
20:57
It's like, you know how men stand around a grill?
20:59
Well, the men come and they stand around the armadillo boil and they say, no, no, he ain't there yet.
21:05
That's all they do.
21:06
I still see hair.
21:09
It's just a series of men picking out dead armadillos out of a pot and just saying, not done.
21:17
Is not done until it's the density of a piece of coal.
21:21
Now, this leads me to the question of holidays.
21:24
Do you gift presents this way in your house instead of, you know, just a normal Christmas gift under the tree?
21:33
Is it just a armadillo?
21:35
Yeah, it's like on Thanksgiving.
21:37
Everybody knows that's the beginning of armadillo season, which is like, which is like the holiday season.
21:43
Y'all decorate your house very differently.
21:45
Everybody else.
21:46
Yeah, yeah, I think you can picture it.
21:48
Yeah.
21:49
It makes sense because you're wearing an armadillo hat right now.
21:52
It's just the armadillo plating right over your head.
21:55
You look like a warrior.
21:56
Yeah, but not a very scary one.
21:59
Yeah, no one.
22:00
It's clearly defensive.
22:02
You're not, you're not threatening anybody.
22:03
It looks like you just ran over one in the road.
22:05
Well, who's to say that didn't happen.
22:08
And just to bring it back, did we ever say what a gutted armadillo was?
22:12
Bone in bone out, right?
22:14
Yeah.
22:14
Well, I don't know.
22:16
I was going to suggest going forward for you a disarmadillo.
22:21
A disarmadillo.
22:21
You disarmed it.
22:22
Yeah, I got to say I like that.
22:23
I love it.
22:24
You have to bring it to your family, which is, I'm sure a bunch of academics.
22:30
Yeah.
22:30
Yeah.
22:31
And not just a bunch of people that have never seen a closed toed shoe and anything but overall.
22:39
Does my house look like a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving?
22:43
Yeah.
22:43
Yes.
22:47
Is it because my family is entirely homeless?
22:50
Yeah.
22:51
Irrelevant.
22:52
Like, I just imagine it's just like 1930s Appalachian people just in a shack.
22:58
Can't understand a word we're saying.
23:01
Dig it into some armadillo.
23:03
Every now and then somebody says coal and then they're by like, oh yeah.
23:07
Once you get all the plates set of armadillos, do you then ring a bell in the background
23:11
and everybody just like aggressively starts digging in and takes you take an old armadillo
23:17
tail and you just bring it around in the bell.
23:20
It takes your family like an hour to eat because it's just all gums.
23:23
Yeah.
23:26
Yeah, there's no teeth.
23:27
There's no teeth.
23:28
But by the time we crack open those armadillos, like they can pretty well gum the oranges and
23:33
that are in there.
23:34
There's no problem.
23:38
Not a lot of visitors to your Thanksgiving meals is there.
23:40
Weirdly no, and I can't, I can't ever figure out why.
23:43
There's no correlation.
23:44
I don't think to the armadillos and no guests.
23:46
I don't think so.
23:46
Yeah, it's probably not.
23:47
I haven't heard anything weird yet.
23:49
Yeah.
23:51
I hate look at, look at you.
23:53
You get some port.
23:54
You get support from a guy that kills beetles and then threatens them at his Thanksgiving.
23:59
You know, how do you treat the armadillos after they're dead?
24:02
Just a friendly question.
24:04
Well, they're, they're eaten.
24:06
But when we crack them open, they're cracked open with reverence.
24:09
Okay.
24:10
Lots of prayer.
24:11
More respect.
24:13
It goes from like Appalachian hillbilly to like really reverent, like Pilgrim.
24:19
Y'all wear buckled shoes, pray a lot.
24:22
There's an outfit change at some point during the dinner.
24:25
So yeah, we were just, we're just incredibly thankful.
24:28
And you know, some, some Pilgrims, they had corn on the first Thanksgiving.
24:33
I'm sorry.
24:33
I, I feel bad for them.
24:35
Were they, weren't that quick enough to catch an armadillo?
24:37
You know?
24:37
Yeah.
24:37
I mean, they're Indians probably didn't supply them with armadillos, which that kind of sucks.
24:42
Doesn't it?
24:43
Yeah, I think so.
24:43
I'm trying my hardest to relate to you right now.
24:48
I'm straining like what Evan thinks people strain when he talks to them.
24:53
Just sweat.
24:55
Let me put you in my situation.
24:56
Yeah.
24:57
God, I can't, I cannot imagine more of a hell.
25:00
Have you ever driven or ran barefoot down a road?
25:04
Um, no, no, I, I, I haven't.
25:07
I have shoes.
25:08
You've never driven down a road though?
25:09
Not barefoot.
25:10
Okay.
25:11
I have driven down the road.
25:11
Okay.
25:12
It might translate.
25:13
Okay.
25:14
You ever looked at some just carcass on the side of the road and thought,
25:17
did gum, man, just a little bit of meat left on that thing.
25:22
What did the no shoes have to do with anything with this?
25:24
The bluzers haven't got it all yet.
25:28
There's still some meat left on them bones.
25:31
Um, just let's for hypothetical purposes say yes.
25:35
I did think about that.
25:37
I don't know where I was going with that.
25:38
Oh, okay.
25:39
I didn't, I guess expect you to say yes.
25:46
Um, oh, well, okay.
25:47
Well, then I, you know, no,
25:50
there's, there's still no way to know where I was going with that.
25:54
Oh, anyway, that was just a question.
25:57
Okay.
25:57
Well, have you ever, have you ever, no direction.
26:00
Have you ever done it?
26:01
Okay.
26:01
Good.
26:01
It's like taking a survey, man.
26:03
It's like a poll of the room.
26:06
Oh man.
26:07
I'd ask Evan, but after his hypothetical, I know his answer.
26:10
Yeah.
26:11
It'd be a hard yes.
26:14
Now that y'all have told everyone what y'all do at Thanksgiving,
26:17
here's what I do at Thanksgiving.
26:18
And I think I kind of hit on it earlier.
26:20
A lot of the times we take what we have for granted, you know,
26:24
we take the amount of things that we have for granted
26:28
and we take the amount of food that we have for granted.
26:30
So I don't like doing that with my family.
26:32
I want my family to feel and to have perspective on what they have.
26:36
So what I do with my family is I have them raise a turkey from just a chick
26:42
and we immediately give it names.
26:44
We get attached to it.
26:45
We, it's in all our family pictures.
26:48
And then Thanksgiving comes around.
26:49
The turkey has matured.
26:51
Oh, it's matured.
26:53
Wow.
26:54
Lord has it matured.
26:58
It's looking good in those jeans.
27:00
Yeah.
27:00
And it's only a year old.
27:03
Yeah.
27:04
Wow.
27:05
Oh, okay.
27:05
Well, you when you frame it like that,
27:07
when you frame it like that, we should move on.
27:11
But eventually Thanksgiving rolls around.
27:13
We're all sitting at a table, a big, long table, big family.
27:17
We all come in with our turkeys that we've named.
27:19
Oh, everybody has their individual.
27:20
Everybody has their individual turkey that they've raised.
27:23
It's a lot of turkeys.
27:26
And we have a ceremonial chopping block at the head of the table.
27:30
And we all put on like one of those masks
27:34
from an executioner in the Middle Ages.
27:36
And we slowly and surely each family member goes up
27:40
and just with a big ax, way too big for the duty of chopping the head off the turkey.
27:48
Way too big.
27:49
Just slowly and decapitate the turkeys that we've raised for years.
27:53
So like with with chickens, you just ring their neck.
27:56
Yeah.
27:56
Yeah.
27:57
Do you put the live turkey down there on the block?
27:59
Yeah, we put the live turkey down there on the block.
28:02
You know, it seems like there's room for error there.
28:06
With a big ax.
28:08
Wiggly turkey.
28:10
Mature turkey.
28:17
Feathers are ruffled.
28:20
Very wiggly, though.
28:21
Yeah, it takes it.
28:22
It's very embarrassing when grandma gets up there, her frail little hands
28:27
can't lift that 50 pound ax and she just cannot hit the tree.
28:31
We start feeling bad for the turkey, but grandma's got to do it on her own.
28:34
The grandma wants to eat.
28:36
Yeah.
28:36
I mean, yeah, that's it.
28:37
That's the harshness of our home that if you would like to eat, you have to wield the 50 pound ax.
28:44
Yeah, I do want to say when you were describing it, it did sound like there was going to be a sort of coin
28:50
toss to see who gets their head chopped.
28:52
Oh, I like I actually like that.
28:55
Should I implement that next year?
28:56
It seems like a good tradition that we that we actually kind of like a hunger
28:59
game kind of situation where everybody sits around the turkey that they have raised.
29:03
And it's just like a drawing out of a hat, a pilgrim hat.
29:09
And you flip a coin to see if your family or the turkey goes.
29:12
Oh, oh, I didn't realize that's what I was involved.
29:17
OK, so grandma's up on the docket.
29:21
Yeah, we're flipping a coin, whether her head rolls or the turkeys.
29:24
Yeah.
29:24
OK, you know, maybe I can get behind that.
29:28
Maybe I can.
29:30
Let me give you a little bit more detail on it.
29:32
Think about a turkey.
29:33
Uh huh.
29:34
OK, doing it.
29:35
That's been in your family.
29:36
A mature turkey.
29:37
Hold on for maybe two years.
29:40
It's an OK, too.
29:41
Mature.
29:42
It's good.
29:43
It's not fully mature.
29:48
And it's been in your family for two years.
29:51
It's time for it to go to the chopping block.
29:53
Yeah, yeah.
29:53
You're like, that could have been a well endowed, well developed turkey.
29:58
Mature.
29:59
Yeah.
29:59
Mature turkey.
30:00
The gobbler, although.
30:01
But it's time.
30:02
You know, it's time.
30:04
So it's got to go.
30:05
But wait, there's a coin flip.
30:06
Oh, it'd be saved.
30:07
The turkey lives.
30:08
Oh, give it another two years.
30:10
Yeah, I'm slowly losing family members for this.
30:14
Think for the off chance that I get a mature turn you.
30:18
So let me think about it.
30:19
I was killing off my family slowly in an effort just to have turkeys.
30:24
Think about a five year old.
30:29
Oh, man, Apple bottom jeans.
30:32
At least a 10 inch beard on that one.
30:35
It's got the boots with the fur.
30:37
Yeah, gobble gobble.
30:41
I'm just saying, think about it.
30:42
I hey, I'm having trouble not thinking about it right now.
30:45
There's nothing that I love to think about more than a mature turkey
30:48
and having no family members, just a bunch of beheaded family members.
30:53
And you definitely refer to that as bone in, right?
30:56
Wait, where's the bone?
31:01
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
31:03
Back up.
31:06
Hold on.
31:12
Why are we in?
31:13
What do you mean by that?
31:15
Alan.
31:16
Lord, you're not invited to my Thanksgiving.
31:24
Lord.
31:25
Oh, gosh.
31:28
Oh, my goodness.
31:29
So how does the how does the fall of the family go?
31:31
Like, is it somebody and their turkey are flipping the coin
31:34
and then whichever one wins the coin toss, the other one dies?
31:37
Yeah, yeah, it's like a head to head thing.
31:39
How would the turkey kill you?
31:41
See, that's where it gets more fun, though,
31:43
because you could live past it if the turkey couldn't kill you.
31:45
Oh, OK, we're lighting a lot of variables to this.
31:47
So the turkey, you like there's like a ring, a fighting ring
31:51
that you and the turkey have to go into.
31:53
Whoever wins has to chop the head off of the person that loses the coin.
31:57
Yeah, right.
31:58
But if you can't man the 50 pound axe, you can't die.
32:01
Oh, well, now this man, now my family members are living.
32:04
Turkeys are not going to as mature as mature as those turkeys are.
32:11
I'm just like a nice, mature turkey.
32:14
They're not wielding an axe.
32:15
They could do it.
32:16
If you get a real mature.
32:19
You get a nice elder.
32:21
Oh, I listen.
32:25
I I'm going to pump the brakes.
32:27
I'm going to say to head to head family V turkey.
32:29
If you lose family that we get to chop off the hand of Graham Graham.
32:32
We keep the turkey.
32:34
Who has to chop it?
32:35
I will.
32:36
I will.
32:37
As long as you're willing to do it.
32:38
Yeah, but that's how I do with my Thanksgiving.
32:41
I'm not going to bring up the fact that each of our Thanksgiving dinners involved in a lot of death.
32:46
I don't think there's anything to say.
32:47
I don't think there's anything about let's move on.
32:52
Well, after that just complete sanity that everybody heard,
32:57
the NPR sister station actually has a news story for us.
33:02
So let's let's learn a thing or two.
33:04
Welcome back to QDNPR.
33:07
I am Zacchaeus.
33:08
I am joined here as always with Evanescence and Alejandro.
33:13
Evanescence, what is today's news about a man tries to scare off birds,
33:18
but accidentally creates a magpie guy as if the world did not have enough religions.
33:26
False idols.
33:28
Somehow.
33:29
Some man has created a god for birds.
33:34
Alejandro, as our boots on the ground journalist,
33:39
what is happening in the south of Ireland at the moment?
33:43
Thank you, Zacchaeus.
33:44
I am here in this local Irishman's field and what I'm seeing is nothing short of astonishing.
33:52
There are just flies.
33:54
Magpies circling this poorly made owl statue.
33:59
They have begun landing and offering tribute to it in the form of walnuts.
34:06
The magpies seem to be unaware that this owl is fake
34:10
and they're treating it like some sort of nocturnal deity.
34:14
Now, Alejandro, as a journalist, and I must ask,
34:17
are you dressed like a man?
34:19
I am dressed like a man.
34:21
Alejandro, as a journalist, and I must ask, are you dressed in the loincloth
34:25
and blood spattered face to enter into this cult unnoticed?
34:30
Or have you joined the magpie god cult?
34:35
I am strictly an outside observer, but I will say that there are many,
34:39
many local citizens who have donned the loincloth.
34:43
And there's an extra addition.
34:44
They are now adding beaks to their face.
34:47
For those that can't see, Alejandro was literally putting on his beak
34:51
as he started this.
34:52
I am putting on my beak.
34:53
It covers my nose.
34:58
Now, Evanescence, what are the local townspeople saying
35:02
as it is a bunch of birds crowded around an old owl statue
35:06
and one single man in a loincloth?
35:10
As Alejandro said earlier, this owl statue doesn't look great.
35:15
Even the man who made it himself has said it shares similarities with a dead cat.
35:20
The locals don't know what to think, really,
35:22
because what are they supposed to do without their magpies?
35:26
And now they're all congregated in one area, and they said so much bird poop.
35:30
Just so much bird poop everywhere.
35:33
And some human poop.
35:34
Some...
35:34
Just one person amount of human poop.
35:37
Yeah, they have said there's one reporter that just keeps dropping trowel.
35:43
Dropping trowel. Just big old stinkers.
35:47
Just big old stinkers right in the middle of this poor man's field.
35:54
The ones that have been cooking quite some time.
35:57
Alejandro is so patched in.
36:00
Alejandro, do you care to explain yourself
36:03
why it seems that you have completely joined this bird cult
36:07
and are now just dropping big old stinkers?
36:10
While out here speaking with the man, he told me that the poorly made owl told him
36:16
that I couldn't out poop these birds.
36:18
To the man and the owl that looks like an old boot, I said, challenge accepted.
36:26
I always forget how competitive Alejandro is.
36:29
Alejandro, since you're so involved in this cult,
36:32
what are some of the beliefs that the cult has?
36:35
As of the time of recording, we are unaware of the beliefs
36:39
as they are magpies and they do not have the ability to tell us what they believe.
36:45
However, one can draw many conclusions.
36:48
Maybe they believe this owl is going to lead them to freedom outside of Ireland.
36:54
They have said it has been said about them.
36:56
The queen is dead.
36:58
It's our time.
36:59
Are you coming up with these beliefs as you go?
37:02
It's unlikely.
37:03
Are you the cult leader?
37:04
Now, we have a sound bite of an Irishman that lives close to the cults, campgrounds.
37:13
Let's go ahead and play that for everybody.
37:15
Hello there and thank you for having me.
37:19
This is my first time seeing a camera.
37:26
I didn't know this technology existed.
37:28
You're probably wondering why I'm why I sound Scottish.
37:31
That's because I'm here on holiday.
37:34
I'm an old magpie trainer.
37:37
I'm at the ripe old age of 86 years old and my first love is magpies.
37:45
Wow.
37:46
Great.
37:47
Illuminating.
37:51
That was illuminating.
37:56
Apparently QD is a great person.
37:58
Apparently QD NPR could get a real source.
38:06
So we just found a Scottish man with a magpie fetish.
38:11
Well, some groups have come out for and against this magpie cult.
38:19
Groups like Don't Drop Birds or Turds has come out against this magpie group stating
38:25
that we don't like cults in the area nor the amount of fecal matter that is in the area.
38:31
Another one that recently came on board was Black Birds Matter.
38:38
I think that one explains itself.
38:41
The group Mag Die has also come out and has taken a more violent twist to their beliefs
38:47
and has started killing off magpies and possibly a single man in a loin cloth in Ireland.
38:53
There's also been another group of elderly women who call themselves the Old Mags.
38:59
They've been using these magpies as carrier birds in order to communicate with other lonely old magpies.
39:08
A militaristic group has actually popped up against the magpies recently.
39:15
Black Bird Down
39:19
is threatening violence against the magpies.
39:22
Anandro is the cult leader apparently.
39:27
What are you doing about all these violent groups that have come out?
39:31
How are you defending yourself?
39:32
Because let me tell you, you're not wearing any armor.
39:36
I am an alleged cult leader.
39:39
Nothing has been proven, but should they attempt to harm my magpies,
39:45
I will reach out to them telepathically and ask them to fight back.
39:50
No, this has not been done yet. It would be the first try,
39:53
but I have a lot of confidence that it will go well.
39:56
Okay.
39:58
Well, for this episode of QDNBR, my name is Zacchaeus for Evanescence and the patriarch
40:06
of the cult magpie Anandro.
40:09
Thank you.
40:10
Call me Daddy Pie.
40:11
And come again.
40:25
Oh, well, there you go.
40:27
The always level headed QDNBR giving us the news from around the world.
40:32
They are not pedophiles.
40:34
They are not pedophiles.
40:35
Even they are not incapable of being pedophiles.
40:45
But it makes it sound like we're defending ourselves.
40:55
Even they aren't incapable of shenanigans and you're really falling into the silly.
41:00
But thank you QDNBR for giving us the news about the world.
41:05
So we stay informed because, you know, as we say here, information is power.
41:10
But in saying that the three wisest people on this planet
41:14
have mics in front of them and a recording of them.
41:17
So people have written in for advice.
41:19
So let's bestow some advice on some folk.
41:28
I need help.
41:29
All right, our first piece of advice here came from a listener named Tyler.
41:36
Tyler says, I live in a suburban neighborhood.
41:39
Every morning around 3 a.m.
41:40
The same guys walking around very obviously peering and standing outside houses with the blinds open.
41:46
I called him twice standing near the edge of my yard thinking I couldn't see him trying to
41:51
see inside my daughter's bedroom window.
41:53
This tells me it's possible he's already watched her at some point.
41:57
Given it's odd, he always looks in that direction.
41:59
I called the police and made a report, but they couldn't prove he was up to anything.
42:03
So nothing was done.
42:05
How can I get this deviant to stop or get arrested?
42:08
Well, Tyler seems like a serious situation.
42:11
You seem kind of like a hypocrite, right?
42:13
Because sure, there might be a peeping Tom, but there's also a peeping Tyler
42:17
peeping on the peeping Tom.
42:19
So the golden rule, Tyler ran out of the gate, do one to others.
42:23
And you would have them do unto you.
42:26
So if you want peeping Tom, which a fun name, by the way.
42:30
Yeah.
42:30
If you want peeping Tom, stop peeping, stop peeping on peeping Tom peeping Tyler peeping
42:35
Tom sounds like he walks on his tiptoes.
42:38
He kind of slinks everywhere.
42:40
Yeah.
42:40
Even Tom sounds like he's happy to be alive.
42:43
I'm on the side of peeping Tom.
42:46
I'm good the other way.
42:47
I'm going to be on Tyler's side on this.
42:49
OK.
42:49
But that is that is good to hear, Zach.
42:51
That you think that there's a side for Tom there.
42:54
But I think what you got to do and this may take some time and some planning, but I think
43:01
you need to set up a series of mirrors from your daughter's bedroom window to a police
43:06
station.
43:06
So whenever the time comes walking by, if the cops see him peering in, they'll be looking
43:11
right at his eyes and they'll be looking right back at him and they can make that arrest
43:15
the amount of geometry that it would take to like, hey, when you need evidence, you
43:22
got to find it somehow.
43:22
Is this a not so subtle pitch for Evans Long Lost Company Blind Blind?
43:29
I mean, shameless plug for blinds.
43:31
You do realize cameras exist that you can just record and you don't have to bounce
43:37
mirror after mirror after mirror.
43:39
It's too easy to spot a camera.
43:40
OK.
43:41
You know, it's too easy.
43:42
Tom will just look up there and he'll see the camera and he'll just keep on.
43:45
Not the series of mirrors a mile long bouncing off each other.
43:49
You put a good mirror right there.
43:51
He won't be able to tell what's a window and what's a mirror.
43:53
I'll be looking straight at a cop from three miles down the road.
43:56
I'll be like, is there a cop in that room?
44:02
Seamless.
44:02
A great advice.
44:05
Alan, what's your advice for Tyler?
44:07
My advice, Tyler, stop sitting here and just look at the camera.
44:10
My advice, Tyler, stop sitting here looking at this guy.
44:14
You know he's committing a crime.
44:15
Don't go to the police.
44:16
You need to be proactive.
44:18
Board up all the windows and doors in your home.
44:21
I mean, just plywood broken down pallets, any wood you can find.
44:26
You just nail it into the walls, board up your windows and then just in case he can
44:32
somehow see through a crack in the window, crawl around on your belly.
44:37
Don't walk through your house.
44:38
There's no need for that.
44:40
Don't want to risk peeping Tom seeing you.
44:42
Just crawl around on your belly like a couple of slugs.
44:45
Like you're in the 1960s going through a bomb raid.
44:48
Yes.
44:50
Like you're hiding from the Gestapo.
44:53
Oh, Anne Frank style.
44:56
Yeah, do it how Anne Frank did it and write a book about it.
45:00
Yeah, document your experience.
45:03
Instead of a diary, do a video documentary about your problem.
45:06
Yeah, that's pretty good.
45:07
There you go, Tyler.
45:08
Three options here, one of them you have to do.
45:10
Remember, legally binding, you have to do one of these bonus points if you do all three.
45:15
You can either set up a series of mirrors right into a police station where the police
45:23
can see what's going on in the bedroom or you could just stop it.
45:26
Just stop peeping on the peeping Tom peeping Tyler.
45:29
Easy enough.
45:30
Or you could board up all your windows and Anne Frank style it around your house
45:34
and just stay out of view completely.
45:36
But you could do all of them or at least one of them per the law.
45:40
Our next advice comes from Stephanie.
45:42
It's titled help.
45:44
I recently got into a relationship about a week ago.
45:46
Everything was going great up until today.
45:49
Out of nowhere, my boyfriend blocked me, won't answer any messages on any social media explaining
45:54
what I did wrong.
45:55
Before all this, he was being really sweet, calling me pretty, telling me how much he
46:00
misses me and stuff along those lines.
46:03
About four hours later after all this, I was blocked.
46:06
I don't know what to do and I genuinely really liked him.
46:10
So guys, Stephanie gets blocked by a boyfriend from a week ago, a week long boyfriend.
46:15
What should we do?
46:17
I got a little piece of advice for you.
46:19
First, don't blame yourself for this.
46:21
You didn't do anything wrong.
46:22
I'm sure.
46:23
Secondly, basically I want to ask you Stephanie, was he traveling in Paris with maybe another
46:30
friend just in a hotel room?
46:32
And I don't know.
46:33
Maybe if he was, there's a possibility there.
46:35
He was kidnapped and you may need to hire someone with a certain set of skills to track
46:42
him down and find them and I don't want to say kill, but yeah, kill them.
46:47
So evidence of ICU Stephanie would take a fictional movie starring Liam Neeson and find
46:54
the boyfriend.
46:55
It was a great documentary.
46:59
Make sure it's a guy that puts out at least like three mid-tier action movies a year.
47:03
Get the paycheck guy.
47:06
Oh, and there you go.
47:07
Advice is find the hit bed based off a movie and find your boyfriend.
47:11
Alan advice for Stephanie.
47:12
Well, Stephanie, Steph, if I can call you that, I think it's pretty obvious what happened
47:19
here and I'm honestly shocked that you didn't realize that a listener of ours would would
47:24
usually pick up on something like this pretty quick.
47:26
Your boyfriend was in witness protection program.
47:28
Classic traits.
47:32
Yeah, you just happened to catch him on his last week of his old identity.
47:35
He was whisked away by some government agency and he's now working at a Baskin Robbins somewhere
47:44
in Toledo.
47:47
You're not going to know him by the name that he gave you when you guys dated, but just
47:51
aimlessly search around that town for him.
47:53
Toledo specific.
47:54
You sound like you know exactly who you're talking to.
47:57
Exactly who your boyfriend is.
47:59
I'm I'm his handler.
48:02
And what I'm telling you is go to Toledo if you know what's good for you.
48:07
Just walk around.
48:08
Yeah, go to the Baskin Robbins.
48:11
If you see some unsavory characters around there, call the scene and get them away from
48:16
him because they're looking for him.
48:18
You need to do your best to make sure that your week long boyfriend stays alive under
48:24
a new identity.
48:25
There you go.
48:25
Go to Toledo.
48:27
Go to Toledo.
48:28
Baskin Robbins, Toledo.
48:30
There's probably multiple of them.
48:32
It's a numbers game.
48:33
Look, you're the one that wants the answers.
48:35
You figure out which one he works at.
48:37
I always forget Allen's tapped into government agencies.
48:40
Yeah, I forgot that he's in the handler for the witness protection program.
48:44
That's right.
48:45
That's right.
48:45
But also not very good at it.
48:48
Just telling people where he is.
48:49
Open mic.
48:50
It's strictly part time.
48:51
Stephanie, my advice to you would be find a well known man called Peep and Tom.
48:59
I don't know what peeping Tom does.
49:00
He goes around to people's houses, looks in, looks in these houses and, you know, it's
49:06
a numbers game that would peep and Tom to eventually after he's looking enough houses,
49:10
he'll find your boyfriend.
49:12
I'm sure I know a guy that knows peeping Tom.
49:17
Maybe I can get you connected.
49:18
But there you go, Stephanie.
49:19
Three pieces of advice from the three wisest men.
49:22
You remember legally have to do one of them.
49:24
One advice was hire Liam Neeson, I think.
49:29
Close to him.
49:29
Yeah.
49:30
And, you know, have him.
49:31
Right, right.
49:33
And have him beat up a bunch of guys in Paris.
49:37
Probably not where your boyfriend's from.
49:38
And Evan, if you can't find Liam Neeson, would like an Eric Roberts esque person do the job?
49:44
Yeah, I'll go B tier.
49:46
OK.
49:47
OK.
49:47
Well, really, I mean, maybe generous on B tier.
49:50
Let's go B minus.
49:52
I'll even take a C plus.
49:54
C is getting a little low, but kind of do what you have to do around there.
49:59
Sure.
49:59
Use your best judgment.
50:00
I guess is what we'll say.
50:02
And also the Allen's advice was more of a hint.
50:06
Go to Toledo.
50:07
So just go into Zambasco and Robbins.
50:09
He's probably in there.
50:12
My advice was use the people that you know or that we know.
50:15
And hire Peep and Tom and have him just look in people's houses.
50:19
Eventually, he'll find your boyfriend.
50:21
All right.
50:22
This last one is from James.
50:25
James says, hosting for the first time.
50:27
Any advice?
50:29
Hi, all.
50:29
I'm very excited to be hosting my first Thanksgiving as I love to entertain.
50:33
And now that I have a house, I finally have barely enough space to do it.
50:36
It'll be my immediate family, nine adults plus my aunt's family.
50:39
As for the past, like, 10 years, she has hosted it.
50:42
They are eight adults.
50:43
So 17 adults plus 10 kids, 27 humans total to a mass.
50:48
You know, I feel like I'm reading numbers.
50:52
It's a lot, but we are Italian.
50:54
So this is tame because add in another aunt and it's usually more like 40 people.
50:59
Anyway, how would you handle hosting this?
51:02
Many people got listen, James, she did.
51:05
We just just you could add the numbers up for us.
51:08
Just say 40, 27.
51:10
You didn't have to give us the family tree.
51:12
I mean, it gave me a math formula.
51:14
It's like a calculus problem.
51:16
Anybody else feel like he's there?
51:17
Yeah.
51:18
So what?
51:19
27 people.
51:20
How do you 27 could be 40, could be 40 if there was another aunt involved.
51:24
I don't think it was a personality on that.
51:27
Yeah.
51:28
Italians, too.
51:29
Yeah, it's a loud Thanksgiving.
51:32
Anyway, what advice would you give to James to host 27 people?
51:37
The range of 27 to 40.
51:38
It depending on the odds there.
51:42
James, first of all, just reading the numbers made me tired.
51:46
So you need to start calling off some things.
51:49
Yeah, just get rid of a couple of them.
51:52
Absolutely.
51:53
It'll be a little bit more quiet.
51:54
The Italians are all gobbled up and whatnot.
51:57
So get rid of some family.
51:59
Would you would you maybe tell them to just put them in a van to just dub them off on
52:03
a lone highway in the desert?
52:05
Yeah, you could do that.
52:06
You could send them to Seattle.
52:07
OK, they got a lot of homeless people there.
52:09
I'm sure they could take care of you.
52:10
The homeless community could take care of you.
52:12
So he's not going to because they might ship you off to Montana.
52:14
But that might be a good trip for them.
52:16
Yes, and the Seattle they might get a good trip in over Thanksgiving.
52:19
These are things to do a trip advisor.
52:22
Basically, get rid of some family members.
52:24
That's true.
52:24
That's simple.
52:25
That's a good point.
52:26
Get rid of family members.
52:27
There's too many.
52:28
If one aunt equals another 20 people, just get rid of the on.
52:31
Yeah, cut the head off the snake.
52:33
You know, your family members, you know, they're going to be like,
52:36
there's a mate like a rabbit.
52:39
It sounds like if one person means 13 more people.
52:43
All right, Alan James, it seems like the problem child here is this mysterious
52:49
aunt who could be one or 20 people.
52:56
I would say you shouldn't all have to deal with her at the same time.
53:00
Set your house up like some sort of board game maze
53:05
and just have people have her walk through it and talk to one individually
53:09
as they walk through the house.
53:11
Yeah, that way not everybody has to deal with her at the same time.
53:14
We don't need this one long table situation where she becomes the star of the show.
53:18
Yeah, James, you're hosting.
53:19
You're the star.
53:20
This is all about you.
53:22
And don't let some annoying.
53:26
Don't let some annoying aunt steal your thunder.
53:30
Create a maze in your home.
53:32
Let her travel around board game style and complete options.
53:35
Obstacles with your other family members.
53:39
Wow.
53:41
James, my advice would be to not host at all.
53:44
Get rid of them.
53:44
But since you've already committed to the hosting,
53:46
have your Thanksgiving in the back of an 18-wheeler trailer.
53:50
You get up in the front of that 18-wheeler hauled down the highway 90 miles per hour.
53:57
Let open that trailer door and just let him slide out.
54:01
Get rid of them completely.
54:03
You don't want to host Thanksgiving, but you fulfilled your commitment.
54:06
So I guess, you know, you're still a good guy.
54:08
But, you know, there's three advice for you, James.
54:12
You have to do one of them legally.
54:14
Either call off your family member.
54:16
You got too many.
54:17
I agree with that 100%.
54:19
Create a board game type maze for that aunt that is also 20 other people.
54:24
And make her go through various tasks and obstacles so she is taken care of.
54:31
Keep her busy.
54:31
I keep her busy.
54:32
That's right.
54:32
And then finally, put half Thanksgiving dinner in an 18-wheeler trailer and
54:38
dump them off on the highway.
54:41
But there you go.
54:41
The three wisest.
54:42
Three wisest people just handing out advice for free.
54:45
Well, it's can you get this?
54:46
But the wisdom isn't over, boys, because we have the traditional
54:50
one-liner wisdom for the Saturday workers.
54:52
What do y'all got?
54:53
I'd say this is a level up from the advice we just gave, you know?
54:56
Yeah, this is general.
54:57
You gave standard, you have to do it wisdom.
55:00
But I think one-liner wisdom is more like philosophical.
55:04
Yeah, it's kind of like our final say.
55:06
Yeah, you know, they say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
55:13
Well, I say, my dude, it's 20, 23.
55:15
Why are you still riding a horse around?
55:19
Upgrades upgrades.
55:21
Now you can solve a good movie, but you can't solve a good movie.
55:25
You can solve a good movie.
55:27
We're going to ignore the fact that's not correct English.
55:29
Mm hmm.
55:30
Now, the other day I saw a good movie.
55:31
Oh, OK, OK.
55:32
But you can't movie a good song.
55:38
Can you tell me how one would even movie a song?
55:41
Exactly.
55:42
I know we're not supposed to ask these questions.
55:44
That's what I'm saying.
55:45
You can't move.
55:46
Listen, I think it's sometimes things are so deep that we can't wrap our head around.
55:52
We're not it's not for you to we're not mature enough.
55:56
People will be talking about movie and a soul decades to come.
56:01
They're going to be they're going to be talking about famous philosophers.
56:03
We don't.
56:04
Yeah, we know we're sure that there are some, but we don't know them.
56:08
But they'll be mentioning movieing a song right along.
56:11
Yeah, don't movie a song and don't solve movie.
56:15
You can't movie a song.
56:16
And guys, this isn't necessarily for advice for you to know.
56:20
OK, there's somebody out there that they're going to hear this and they're going to be like,
56:23
their life is going to change.
56:25
Yeah, that's that's what I needed to hear today.
56:27
That's that's special.
56:28
That's special that you just have that for somebody.
56:30
That's what I do for my Saturday workers.
56:31
There you go.
56:32
What do you see?
56:33
Well, see, you get this kind of stuff.
56:36
Attention to detail.
56:39
But if you have a hypothetical, you want to answer advice you need from us or you want
56:46
a subject where we can give you fun facts, emails and question will be to our podcast
56:50
at Gmail dot com.
56:51
All right, you want to be done?
56:53
Let's be done.
56:53
Yeah.
56:54
Yeah.
56:54
So saw you a movie that doesn't make any sense.
56:58
Evan, why would we were recording thing I've ever heard recording while that was happening?
57:03
I listen when we come into this studio.
57:05
I know we're just here.
57:06
We're here.
57:07
You're not coming here and have not have good.
57:10
I love professional.
57:12
I expect you don't know how to have a standard of intelligence and you threw it out the window.
57:18
You cannot.
57:19
I was I was reading a book or somebody else.
57:22
Where do you get off?
57:24
Expect the detour.