Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Deadfall

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Deadfall · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh, God. Well, great. Grape. Yeah, I'm feeling
0:26
grape. I'm about to feel real grape. Yeah. This
0:29
is not the worst flavor that we've had either,
0:32
though. I've been roped into drinking some of
0:35
those like chocolate wines. Chocolate wine? Yeah,
0:38
it's like pre -chocolated wine because everybody
0:40
likes chocolate with wine. Oh, yeah, that stuff
0:43
sucks. It's terrible. Why would you? Haven't
0:50
they done enough? Yeah, exactly. Hey, they're
0:53
givers, man. hey joey it's real nice to see you
0:58
man it's been a long time good to see you too
1:00
but it's been a while when i shared your contact
1:03
you're still in my phone as joey the smoke oh
1:06
and then i had to tell him about brandon being
1:09
the no and me being the what yeah but no other
1:12
context or explanation it was just that those
1:15
names exist yeah i mean you know i don't remember
1:18
where that came from either i think we were just
1:21
at the bar uh making Sarah's life rough. The
1:26
only thing I can think of would be, you know,
1:28
me down in two packs of cigarettes in the night,
1:31
hanging out at the bar, annoying Sarah, which
1:33
was good times. Oh God. Why are we here again?
1:37
Well, we're here to talk about the filmography
1:40
of Nicholas cage. I thought it was because I
1:43
keep finding buzz balls for cheap. And that too.
1:45
Yeah. And with the Nick Cage highs come the Nick
1:49
Cage lows. And this might be one of the bigger
1:53
lows. Oh, really? Not even Peter Lowe. When I
1:58
watched this movie, I immediately was like, well,
2:01
that sucked. And then I watched it again. I was
2:04
like, you know what? It doesn't suck so bad.
2:07
okay all right i want to we'll get into that
2:09
yeah before we get into my opinions on that opinion
2:11
uh welcome back to cage magical and a roundabout
2:13
way of meeting nicholas cage i'm sean here with
2:15
my co -host nick and our producer peter hello
2:19
and our guest this week joey the smoke apparently
2:24
nicknames persist say your christian name yeah
2:32
yeah and this week we are discussing 1993's Christopher
2:37
Coppola directed Deadfall, not to be mistaken
2:41
with a different Deadfall from 2012. Yeah. The
2:44
first thing I want to talk about about this movie
2:48
is when you Google this film and I don't know
2:51
if it's a re -release cover or the poster that
2:53
comes up half the time is for this movie, but
2:58
with a very different Nicolas Cage profile photo.
3:02
Yeah. Yeah. It looks like it's like. fucking
3:04
knowing or something it doesn't look like the
3:07
right movie at all of everyone of the top three
3:10
build people nicholas cage is the only one who
3:12
is an a -lister at any point you know to make
3:15
your your question work that actually requires
3:18
the question of you think this movie got a re
3:22
-release oh that's a fair point Or poster. I
3:27
don't know where it came from, but there is a
3:28
separate cover where there shows a very different
3:31
Nicolas Cage, not the batanned, befaked nose,
3:35
bewigged version we see in this film. Oh, this
3:39
one that looks like it's a sequel to Alien? Yeah,
3:43
that's the one. Yeah, that looks like a serious
3:45
movie that was made with... some amount of money
3:48
that's fucked up also the coppolas do have a
3:52
lot of money they could re -release their own
3:53
shit megalopolis exists yeah that's that's the
3:58
rich coppola yeah not christopher the quote -unquote
4:02
successful coppola or the radio christian mark
4:06
yeah do you think people signed up for this movie
4:08
only having seen the name coppola only to realize
4:11
they'd made out horrible mistake well so some
4:14
of the history of this movie is actually really
4:15
weird because it was going to be val kilmer in
4:19
the michael bean role yeah and he dropped out
4:24
because he didn't like the producer quote unquote
4:26
but you know read between the lines like he didn't
4:29
like anything about this movie yeah the producer
4:31
i talked about this movie a little bit with me
4:35
and nick's friend paul this last weekend So I
4:39
did not know that Nick Cage is a nephew of Francis
4:43
Ford Coppola. And the Coppola who is involved
4:47
in this movie as a writer and director and producer
4:51
is like probably his cousin. It's his brother.
4:55
Is it a brother? Yeah. Shit. Okay. That's why
5:00
he's in it. That explains everything, right?
5:02
So if Al Kilmer dropped out, dude, I need you
5:05
to do this. Uh -huh. So Val Kilmer dropped out,
5:08
but there was a lot riding on Val Kilmer being
5:10
involved, including a shit ton of money. And
5:13
when he dropped out, the budget got slashed by
5:16
like five million dollars. Oh, my God. That's
5:18
almost an entire Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage,
5:22
apparently. So I did some Googling for that,
5:25
too. Like the I guess the budget this ended up
5:29
being made with was like three million dollars.
5:31
Awesome. Which which. If you adjust it for inflation
5:36
from 1993 to today, it's still like six point
5:39
two million dollars. It's like not enough to
5:42
make a good budget movie. No, but what they did
5:45
with those three million dollars is actually
5:47
kind of perfect. A lot of boobs. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
5:52
The world's longest sex scene. Weirdly tender.
5:55
Weirdly tender sex scene. Lots of positions.
5:58
Well, was it? I don't know. Because there's the
6:01
one in Watchmen. yeah and there was the one in
6:06
the matrix the second one that just was like
6:08
in the rave orgy oh man look at this i've got
6:11
so much homework to do this weekend watch a lot
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of long sex scenes i'm gonna find the longest
6:16
sex scene i'd put perfume in that the ending
6:20
of perfumes got a city -wide orgy that's pretty
6:24
tasty sounds like a girl movie it's about uh
6:27
it's about a serial killer OK, who makes like
6:30
a girl movie? They fucking love serial killers.
6:34
It's fucking true. The budget on this is like
6:38
you definitely see it in like it looks amateurish
6:41
for lots of different reasons. The script is
6:43
bad, but like most of it looks like low rent,
6:46
like gay porno or something like that. Yeah,
6:49
it looks like they were able to rent like this
6:51
is the cheapest strip club I've ever seen in
6:54
a movie in terms of set. It looks like they were
6:57
able to rent like a strip mall office building
7:00
and they just turned the lights out and they're
7:03
like, well, what does this room look like? Fucking
7:05
good. Shoot it here. Yep. And just went on with
7:08
it. No, I took somewhere in here that like, well,
7:12
every interior looks like it was done by like
7:16
a community theater scene shop. Yeah. Yeah. They've
7:19
got a couple spotlights that they rented and
7:21
they need to bring them back by this afternoon.
7:23
So let's just bang through it. they got like
7:26
a section of chain link fence that they had from
7:29
like west side story or something and they just
7:31
roll it around here so so joey you get the horrible
7:36
duty of trying to explain this movie in a summary
7:39
um so how would you describe deadfall i i zoned
7:44
out for like a while of it so i'm gonna turn
7:48
into a weird bond villain well so that part was
7:52
fine like I have a firmly held opinion now that
7:57
like the middle third of this movie, there just
7:59
wasn't a script for. They just like told Nicolas
8:03
Cage to do shit for a while. And they made 20
8:07
minutes of movie out of that. Yeah. They're like,
8:09
in the end, you end up in a fry later. Get us
8:13
from A to B. Just like yell for a while, knock
8:16
shit over, be grumpy. And then boom, you're getting
8:20
put in the fries. Fucking gruesome death. It
8:25
was. That was actually kind of good. It was pretty
8:29
gnarly looking. My first note for Deadpool is
8:33
hell yeah, smoking in movies. Yeah. And I'm bad
8:38
with like actor names. So the main dude who's
8:41
not Nicolas Cage, the younger fella. Michael
8:43
Biehn. Okay, good. He plays Joe. So notes, bad
8:49
writing. Exclamation point, exclamation point.
8:53
Warehouse that looks like an amusement park trying
8:55
to look like a warehouse. Why is there a car
9:01
inside of a warehouse? Why would you flash your
9:04
lights at somebody who's walking inside of a
9:06
warehouse? And so then I realized, OK, so that
9:10
was a sting. And Michael Bean's dad got Alec
9:16
Baldwin. Possibly by Michael Biehn. Yeah. And
9:22
there was the fakest looking cops I've ever seen.
9:27
And then the fakest tombstone. Yeah, that was
9:31
dumb. That just looked like straight up foam
9:33
core. Well, it did work out in their favor that
9:37
they looked like fake cops because they were
9:38
fake cops. Yeah, that did make sense eventually.
9:42
Other note, love to go on a bender in white boxers
9:46
and T -shirt on when Michael B. right before
9:49
the funeral is holding an already empty bottle
9:53
next to a crappy bed. You know, that's a really
9:57
bold move. And you've got a lot of confidence
9:59
and faith in yourself to wear white boxers on
10:02
a bender, right? Like, yeah, those are not staying
10:06
white now. Not front, not back. Now you're eating
10:10
a hot dog at some points getting ketchup, you
10:12
know, like whatever. Ketchup's the worry. I also
10:16
want to point out the other fakest thing and
10:17
that opening scene that makes sense that comes
10:21
around later is James Coburn. The dad's death
10:24
is one of the most like over the top fake like.
10:28
Oh, it was very fake. ever i love that he kept
10:32
being like the cake the cake he's just talking
10:35
about fat ass yeah your mom had a fat ass and
10:40
he took that ass which actually this kind of
10:43
plays out right yeah that was uh some sort of
10:47
drug deal that turned was staged and so they're
10:52
just trying to get drugs and money and not have
10:53
to give up the money and blah blah blah um nitpick
10:58
with the writing and they said they were gonna
11:00
bury james coburn in a potter's field and that
11:04
was a very fancy graveyard with a bunch of fake
11:06
monuments in it not at all a potter's field yeah
11:09
fuck you guys i'll backtracking for a second
11:13
though the guy that was part of the sting the
11:14
like coke guy he was so fucking wild yeah he's
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going crazy and he's just like fistfuls of coke
11:21
in his mouth he was kind of nuts so i gotta say
11:25
the thing that like To totally derail your synopsis
11:30
here. Please do. I'm halfway through it. One
11:33
of the things that I fucking loved about this
11:34
movie on my second watch is all of the stupid
11:37
side characters. There's Coke dude. There's fucking
11:41
Peter Fonda with his ponytail. Where was Peter
11:45
Fonda? Who? What? When? Why? He was the like
11:48
the guy that was part of the whole sting at the
11:50
beginning. Oh, OK. I was a dude who... I'm never
11:54
invested in the beginning. Was that Peter Fonda
11:56
who's giving Michael Biehn money in the cemetery?
12:01
Exactly. He's in the car, yeah, for the little
12:03
handoff. He's got that stupid fucking, like,
12:05
back knot. Petey? Yeah. Okay. See, if you said
12:08
Petey, I would have known. I'm sorry. I don't
12:10
know. That would require us to pay attention.
12:13
fucking edward scissorhands like with his crystal
12:16
ball he's got a crystal ball he's got a weird
12:19
scissor hand there's charlie sheen in that fucking
12:22
sick smoker's jacket and his weird billiards
12:27
obsession like there's so many like the baby
12:29
i liked the baby oh yeah the baby was fun he's
12:33
a fun guy he was also in amos and andrew oh was
12:36
he yeah he was one of the people that came in
12:38
like the big brigade of like um you know oh that
12:43
that's awesome yeah i love that the baby gets
12:46
his lollipops or his suckers pre -moistened for
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him like i wish i just had a lady on hand to
12:53
pre -wet any whatever i can blow pop i get you
12:58
get that get that started up for me yeah it's
13:01
like getting pretzels at the lion back in the
13:03
day you gotta pre -moisten them they were so
13:05
dry it's true so i love the background characters
13:09
that's that's my thing i mean The way I viewed
13:13
the beginning of this movie was like, all right,
13:15
Sting went bad. Oh, this is awful. Terrible.
13:18
This voiceover is awful. God, I understand why
13:21
Michael Bean's not a starring man. This is awful.
13:23
Hey, it's Mickey Dolenz. My next note is this
13:27
narration is terrible. Underline, underline,
13:29
underline. It's so bad. It's like Michael Bean
13:32
hated doing this movie and he claims it's his
13:34
worst ever. And like it shows like. he's also
13:38
there's a reason he's not a leading man in a
13:40
major way it's like he seems so checked out who
13:44
was that ginger in the uh the one with uh the
13:48
hey ma look it's that fucking cat who was the
13:52
ginger in that movie you're talking about kiss
13:54
of death oh yeah kiss of death oh god who was
13:57
worse caruso right yeah david caruso or this
14:01
you think caruso was worse than bean No, Bean
14:05
is worse than Caruso. No, Bean is worse. Kiss
14:08
of Death is a better film. It's a better film,
14:12
but who's the better leading man? The leading
14:14
ginger, yeah. I'm going to stick with the Ma
14:18
is the fucking cat again. Fucking Michael Rapaport.
14:23
Yeah, that guy. Oh, God. Okay, so we've gotten,
14:29
what, about 20 minutes into this movie now? No.
14:32
Yeah, Daddy's dead. All right, so we got Mickey
14:35
Dolenz from the monkeys. Oh, yeah. Wait, who
14:38
actually recognizes that? I know Josie did. I
14:42
also did. Who actually fucking cares about the
14:45
monkeys? I mean, me and Josie and Sean, apparently.
14:48
Yeah. You guys need lives. I do this podcast.
14:53
If I had friends, I wouldn't be here, Nick. Yeah,
14:56
exactly. OK, so let's talk about that scene because
14:59
it's fucking weird, right? Like what is going
15:01
on there? So there's the guy who gets the pretzel
15:04
and passes off the number. It was just an overly
15:06
convoluted bookie like thing. So like they were
15:11
just. he'd put in his order and then like it
15:14
had the number and it had to go down until eventually
15:17
it gets to the old guy with the newspaper and
15:20
it was like just checked off to a race or whatever
15:24
right so it was just an old guy putting in a
15:27
bet That's why Michael Biehn was making fun of
15:30
it. Okay, because he had like a big envelope
15:32
taped to the inside of a newspaper or whatever.
15:35
Yeah. Like it was very poorly done. But I mean,
15:37
that's also just the gag is Nicolas Cage's character
15:41
put this whole system together. But you see what
15:44
I'm saying? That whole thing was like community
15:47
theater scene shop. Yeah. Like that whole courtyard.
15:50
It's so bad. But yeah, that leads us into the
15:53
introduction to Nick Cage. So like. So my first
15:57
note was, what is this facial hair? So good.
16:00
And at some point in here, I started like just
16:04
basically live tweeting while I was watching
16:07
it. Perfect. So my next note there was, good
16:12
fucking Lord, you ever want to see somebody have
16:14
zero consistency in their acting choices from
16:16
one scene to the next? Because have I got a movie
16:18
for you? also his fucking fake tan goes from
16:24
like bad to nearly blackface immediately that
16:30
was my next note like a high as balls sunny bono
16:32
also the fake nose and wig was a choice that
16:40
apparently he just showed up with yeah I mean
16:43
this is what happens when you do a movie for
16:45
your brother you're like yeah I'll do that I'll
16:47
do that for you Christopher don't worry I texted
16:50
Peter while I was watching this. I was like,
16:55
fucking Nicolas Cage's character is just Tony
16:58
Clifton, which fucking for real. Yeah, it's spot
17:01
on. And that is because Sean looks confused.
17:06
A character that Andy Kaufman created. And he
17:09
was like a fucking drunk, abusive nightclub singer.
17:13
Yep. That. Everybody knew was Andy Kaufman, but
17:17
he would cover by having his manager stand. I
17:20
recognize the name now. It's just such a good
17:25
bit. I fucking love Andy Kaufman. Next note about
17:29
Nicolas Cage was he's just slurring every word.
17:31
I wouldn't understand half of what he's saying
17:33
were it not for subtitles. He drinks his beers
17:36
really weird. Yeah. He grabs him like so far
17:39
up the neck and he's just like pounding it, but
17:42
like slowly pounding. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I did see
17:46
that. That's how I chug a beer. Just slow pound.
17:49
Exactly. Just basically sip this nonstop for
17:53
five and a half minutes. Hell yeah. Yeah. that's
17:57
how you get your money's worth at the strip club
17:59
too right you do a slow pound and then they're
18:02
like oh this guy's gonna this guy's gonna give
18:05
us extra money that's a big player right here
18:07
that's my new dancer name the slow pound slow
18:11
pound yeah uh hey remind me what nights you're
18:14
working so i can kill myself sean tell us about
18:19
your twerking incident oh oh yeah I don't like
18:27
the way this got introduced. I just want to read
18:32
you the text I sent to Peter. I attempted to
18:36
twerk. It ended poorly. I will not be taking
18:39
questions at this time. Which feels like the
18:42
correct time is now. Yeah. I just did an aggressive
18:47
cat cow and fucking fucked my back up. Did you
18:51
make it clap, though? No. That was a loud noise,
18:56
but it was not my ass. It's just your 40 year
18:59
old body giving up. Yes. yeah so cage's performance
19:04
is fucking amazing yeah like i can't call it
19:07
good but it is wild like his voice is crazy it
19:10
jumps all over the place the fact that he calls
19:12
like the way he says friend is like friend you
19:15
know what are you doing here today friend why
19:20
did he put on a fucking bow tie and cummerbund
19:23
i don't know but it was so but well because he
19:26
had to look like a baller or whatever for that
19:28
grift oh okay yeah that's right Yeah, that was
19:33
part of it. Who's the guy who plays Michael Biehn's
19:36
uncle? James Coburn. He plays the dad. James
19:40
Coburn. Wait, really? Oh, he plays the uncle?
19:44
Wow. Well, twin brothers get that cake. Oh, they
19:48
were because that's the picture they keep showing
19:51
with the girlfriend, wife, person in between
19:54
them and they look identical. I get it. So, okay.
20:00
It's tough because one wears a cowboy hat and
20:03
the other one wears fingerless gloves. Right.
20:08
For stealing, for crimes, because, you know,
20:10
you don't want to get you don't want gloves getting
20:13
in the way of your like rummaging fingers. Well,
20:16
no, you got to have them fingerless so you can
20:18
still leave prints as a criminal. That's right.
20:22
I want the cops to have a good lead, at least,
20:24
you know? Well, when you haven't figured out
20:26
your calling card yet, you gotta, like, give
20:27
them something. I feel like his calling card
20:29
was the Joker. Well, that seemed to be the focal
20:34
point of that dumb trick he kept trying to pull.
20:37
Which never actually, like, played out in any
20:39
way that made any sense. Yeah, it never made
20:41
any sense. High card, low card, game, whatever.
20:44
If you get a high part, I'll do something, something,
20:47
and it's just a Joker. All right. Yeah. Joker's
20:50
wild. I wouldn't mind any result of what happens
20:54
if a Joker shows up. Yeah. I guess he does nothing.
20:59
He just makes a face. Yeah, he's just there.
21:03
Okay. He's like, show me the Joker. Hallelujah.
21:07
Oh, yeah. Jazzy. okay so i'm trying to figure
21:12
out how we should even talk about this movie
21:14
because it is like pretty truly terrible once
21:16
nick cage dies um yeah sean bean's trying to
21:21
grift his grifter uncle yeah michael bean mr
21:27
bean i guess he mr bean this movie is so much
21:31
better with mr bean it would make more sense
21:33
i'd be into it everyone can sit in there yeah
21:37
and a turkey gets stuck on his head at some point
21:39
yeah the the thought of him trying to grift his
21:42
uncle seems a little like it's never very well
21:47
defined because like how is he trying to get
21:50
his uncle i think he's just down there trying
21:51
to figure out like what his uncle and his dad
21:55
had beef over so i don't i don't know that he
21:58
was trained grift his uncle necessarily it seemed
22:00
like he was just trying to steal nicholas cage's
22:03
job yeah it seemed like he was just trying to
22:07
replace daddy he was i mean he was trying to
22:10
get in there to get the cake didn't know his
22:13
uncle was a twin brother i'm i'm not defending
22:16
this movie i'm just explaining what's happening
22:17
but like he like breaks into his uncles off and
22:22
he's trying to like figure out what this thing
22:24
is um he's trying to grift but he might be being
22:27
grifted but in the end it was grifted because
22:30
his dad was alive and like it's a hat on a hat
22:34
kind of situation everything is a grift yeah
22:37
um at one point during this movie uh they have
22:41
to go through a middleman to talk to a diamond
22:43
dealer but it's charlie sheen in this really
22:45
boring pool scene i get a text message i'm responding
22:49
to it i i look up for my text like two minutes
22:52
later And I'm watching fucking Dr. No. The crab
22:57
claw dude is pretty, pretty fucking awesome.
23:00
It's so cool. I love it. I made note. There are
23:03
two characters I like in this movie. One of them
23:07
is the diamond claw man. And the other one is
23:10
Gigi Rice as Michael Bean's uncle's wife. Oh,
23:15
she was great. Checking the dress. She was hilarious.
23:18
Yeah, that was a great scene. I would watch the
23:20
whole movie of her. That was great. I love when
23:22
the wife just or whatever her name is. Gigi.
23:26
Gigi hands Joe a piece of cake. It's at a Lou's
23:29
birthday party. Which is just the three of them.
23:32
Yeah. Hands him like the ugliest slice of fucking
23:34
cake and just says, I'm sorry about your father,
23:38
Joe. It's like, wow, okay, we're having a nice
23:42
birthday party. Sorry, your dad died. Yeah. Also,
23:45
it's a child's birthday cake because it's got
23:48
toy horses on it. I think it's her birthday cake.
23:51
It's her ideal birthday cake. Yeah, she just
23:54
likes horses. It's fine. Yeah, it's just weird.
23:59
This will be so bad. I don't know. I'm trying
24:02
to think of these. There's so many different
24:03
random things to jump around to. Charlie Sheen.
24:06
In the most sedate, boring role I've ever seen
24:09
him in. He's definitely just like a billiard
24:12
shark who only served the purpose of connecting
24:17
A and C. He knew how to get to the diamond guy.
24:23
Yep. But I loved his just like kind of energy
24:28
in the like, I'm going to fucking run this table
24:32
on you. Fucking sausage fucks it up. With the
24:36
C's. I love that his name was Sausage, too. You
24:40
know you're getting hustled at a pool hall when
24:43
the guy not only has his own queue, but has his
24:46
own fucking table. Yeah. Yeah, he's got that
24:49
special table with the light, the temperature
24:51
is just right. What are you saying? It's a Corsair.
24:55
That's right. Which I'm assuming is a sick -ass
24:58
billiards table. Probably a really nice billiards
25:00
table. Yeah. Or at least probably was in 1993.
25:04
that final uh play or whatever final point he
25:08
made was very impressive the way it you know
25:12
like hit spun backwards and yeah i mean internet
25:15
gripers complain that like i guess the way billiards
25:18
work is you have to bounce off three rails three
25:21
rails and then hit the other two balls sequentially
25:24
or something like that and two of his shots didn't
25:28
count technically and one of them was that final
25:30
shot ball yeah right So whatever. I mean, I'm
25:34
making a jerk off motion now because I don't
25:36
care. Whatever. Billiards is a neat sport to
25:40
watch because it's, you know. Yeah, it's neat.
25:44
Yeah, it's polygons. It's rhombuses. It's geometry.
25:49
I like a rhombus. But it's it's terrible to play.
25:54
So one of the characters that I want to talk
25:56
about because I was just like, the fuck is going
25:59
on with this is the guy with the beard. Yeah.
26:02
Oh, yeah. Was that Petey? I know it wasn't. It
26:07
was somebody from his dad's crew. I know because
26:09
Peter Fonda still ends up at the end. He's just
26:12
like gets the handout from the dad. I think it
26:15
was somebody from dad's crew who was out there
26:18
to make sure Joe's. gets integrated gets integrated
26:21
into it sees nicholas cage's character being
26:24
kind of a roadblock is like well i'm gonna have
26:27
to take him out so that joe gets in and that
26:32
backfires but watching him fucking neck down
26:35
good and plenties was repulsive to me yeah yeah
26:41
it was really bad what are you fucking like 60
26:43
years old But I did like after he gets his throat
26:46
slit by Nick Cage, there's just like a bunch
26:48
of good and plenties that sprinkle down. That's
26:53
art, man. Yeah, it was the fakest looking beard,
26:56
though. Well, but here's the thing. I'm like,
26:58
that's a fake beard. But because this movie is
27:00
so low budget and so bad, I was just like, it's
27:04
supposed to be real. Is it supposed to be a fake
27:08
beard? Yeah, when you see him on the bus, you
27:10
look at it and it's like, does he belong? is
27:13
this an outsider is it right no fake beard on
27:18
a real person kind of yeah like it's just entirely
27:23
possible that anything that looks horrible is
27:25
a fake out or is just that bad like all the fake
27:30
cops at the beginning you i didn't know if they
27:33
were supposed to be real cops or not no they
27:35
did get into that really dumb cop stance pretty
27:37
well so i think some of them might have been
27:39
real cops i don't know one of the things i really
27:42
liked about this movie is that there are several
27:45
sound bites from our intro that were from this
27:47
oh yeah that nice long fuck the nice long fuck
27:50
there was that crazy laugh oh okay yeah uh and
27:54
one that i almost put in there was the high fucking
27:55
yeah yeah i love high fucking yeah that was good
27:59
you just gave all my favorite quotes damn it
28:02
oh you didn't you didn't pick mommy That was
28:10
my actual next one. Yeah. I did like the. Fuck
28:17
is great because just in the background, slightly
28:21
off to the side, it's just a guy in a black T
28:23
-shirt that just says fuck on it. I didn't even
28:26
notice that. OK, so Nick Cage meets his end pretty
28:30
shortly after that, right? He goes and he tries
28:33
to fucking get one over on. He thinks lose fucking
28:36
his his girl. Yeah. His girl, who I think we
28:40
did not address this, is Princess Joanna from
28:45
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. So if you
28:48
ever wanted to see Princess Joanna's knockers,
28:51
this is the movie. We really should have led
28:56
the podcast with this. Yeah, sorry. I'll cut
28:58
that to the front. Okay, great. But yeah, that's
29:05
the longest sex scene. Yeah. And she's obviously
29:09
grifting Mr. Bean, Michael Bean, Mr. Michael
29:13
Bean. Mr. Michael Bean. Yeah, I mean, she's grifting
29:17
at least him and maybe Eddie, Nick Cage's character,
29:22
but I don't know. Well, she's working for his
29:25
dad in the end. Yeah. right because she's the
29:29
one who's at the fucking cemetery at the beginning
29:31
to like make him think of his mom which also
29:34
like that's a weird it's a very weird thing to
29:37
keep going yeah which he also never references
29:40
that part of it he just sees a woman in a red
29:43
in a black dress he's like is there a woman there
29:45
and then you see the photo of his dad and brother
29:48
later and even then he doesn't say that's his
29:50
mom initially right yeah but i mean she was wearing
29:54
the same outfit i think in that uh i don't know
29:58
i i understood that like the photo was a photo
30:02
of his mom i think that initial cemetery scene
30:07
just kind of sets it up so that at the end he
30:11
can have that secondary instance of seeing her
30:15
and then it's just a follow that so like he's
30:20
had this experience in the past now he's having
30:22
it again you have to follow that and that's how
30:25
you get to where daddy is with all of daddy's
30:29
crew daddy's boys daddy's boys this is confusing
30:33
because there is a character named the baby so
30:35
yeah yeah daddy's boy well i mean the baby is
30:38
not daddy's boy that's true but i so i uh assumed
30:42
that uh princess joanna was a part of lou's crew
30:47
who got just kind of uh pulled into daddy's scheme
30:52
mike mike daddy daddy mike oh daddy mike so yeah
30:56
so cage goes and he tries to kill lou yeah and
31:01
then he has a hot head so they're gonna friolate
31:04
joe shows up they fight they fight it out then
31:07
yeah nicholas cage gets friolated and again a
31:10
very gruesome like they show the boiled head
31:13
later and it's like yeah yeah this is that whole
31:16
like a half hour where There's just not really
31:20
dialogue going on. It's just Nicolas Cage throwing
31:23
shit, breaking things, yelling. His little tantrum
31:26
on the bed. It didn't even have the benefit of
31:28
boobs to keep my attention. It was a fine fight.
31:31
It was okay, but it could have used a boob shot.
31:33
A boob shot would be fine, yeah. So you said
31:36
you watched this with subtitles. When he's on
31:40
the bed going, what was he saying there? Robble,
31:47
robble, robble. You know, I don't remember. It
31:50
was probably just rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble.
31:54
I think it goes full Hamburglar. Jones and your
31:57
cheeseburgers real hard. Yeah. so one of the
32:02
things about this movie that i think is really
32:04
weird is that nick cage loved this character
32:06
enough of eddie king that he wanted it to come
32:08
back later as if eddie king did not get violated
32:11
yeah arsenal but is it a sequel or a prequel
32:14
because it seems very ambiguous from what i was
32:17
reading i don't know we'll find out yeah come
32:20
back in about nine months yeah so like uh what
32:23
15 uh 20 25 years later 25 years later about
32:30
yeah he makes the movie arsenal where he plays
32:32
the same character which now i'm really excited
32:35
about i know i am so excited i think it's his
32:38
prequel that even though he's 25 years older
32:42
playing the same character now it's his prequel
32:44
you know under that much makeup how can you tell
32:46
giving us the backstory of eddie and how he ended
32:50
up on the east coast after fucking up with some
32:52
mobsters i i can't wait I'm pretty jazzed about
32:57
it. I lose sleep thinking about how excited I
32:59
am. Let's go, baby. Joker's wild. High card.
33:04
I'm going to love the movie. Low card. I'm going
33:07
to love the movie. What? Joker. I fucking hate
33:13
you, dude. oh my god yes i did not know this
33:17
holy shit oh it's got john cusack in it this
33:21
is gonna be great yeah i am i'm excited into
33:25
this podcast is that our third cusack i think
33:29
so yeah because it was the um the frozen ground
33:32
frozen ground con air con air and this yeah perfect
33:37
three cusacks god damn it yeah The triple dip.
33:40
A good number of Cusacks. That's the correct
33:42
number of Cusacks. Not too many. So I think my
33:46
favorite quote from this was just, it was a Nick
33:49
Cage one in the moment when he's trying to like,
33:52
he's about to kill Lou or wants to, he's in the
33:55
office and he just goes, vive la fricking France,
33:58
man. What? He does go on a tirade that I really
34:04
loved. I didn't write it down, but just like.
34:06
filthy fucking this and filthy this and fuck
34:09
this and fucking filthy and it's like what the
34:12
fuck are you even saying the other one is when
34:14
he's trying to start the car and he just goes
34:15
fucking fucker fucked and then it's just that
34:19
like milk toast voiceover of bean it's like well
34:23
at least he was a lively fellow yeah and when
34:26
he gets the car going he's just got that arm
34:28
up in the air and he's like whipping it around
34:30
like yeah Dude, that car was pretty sick. Good
34:34
car. Yeah, I would totally drive that thing in
34:36
a white suit with a cummerbund and a bow tie.
34:39
That would be kind of cool, actually. We're going
34:41
to put it back on Joey now. So Nick Cage has
34:43
died and all the fun has gone out of the movie.
34:47
It's still weirdly horny, but has like no actual
34:50
vibe. Not a single. What else happens? Guide
34:54
us to the end. Man, take us home. After that,
34:59
my notes are. Well, OK, so. There's some sort
35:02
of a diamond grift and another attempted sting
35:06
that goes wrong in which Michael Biehn dies.
35:10
Or at least is shot. Do we see him dead? No,
35:12
it's not Michael Biehn. Oh, is it not him that
35:16
got shot? No, it's like his donut coffee girl
35:20
guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the
35:25
last note I have after this whole thing is Diamond
35:28
Claw Man equals sign Mega Man villain. Oh, Cut
35:33
Man, yeah. Yep. That's pretty terrific. The final
35:39
con is doing the same con that he killed his
35:44
dad. He accidentally killed his dad in the beginning.
35:47
Yeah, it's just the... oh it's a vicious cycle
35:51
everything's repeating again yeah he's wearing
35:53
a wire yeah just have a like a actual just cable
35:57
streaming out of the guy's sleeve yeah yeah it
36:00
was his apple earbud back when they were still
36:04
yeah i don't know the whole thing is so stupid
36:08
so then like the brother gets killed in this
36:11
random shootout and then joe's real dad is like
36:15
wow good work everyone nice con job and just
36:18
hands out money right i do have to hand it to
36:20
uh coburn yeah uh he did make two distinctly
36:26
different people like both brothers had different
36:30
mannerisms they talked differently you know he
36:33
put a little he put more effort into this movie
36:36
than chris coppola did which is unfortunate he
36:39
should have done less it would have been great
36:42
honestly i think just like this movie would have
36:45
been made so much more tolerable if chris coppola
36:48
was reined in a little bit on some of the shots
36:51
because it's definitely trying to like do weird
36:53
artsy coppola things that have not been earned
36:57
by this man like there's the weird scene of all
36:59
the black and white photos uh i can't even remember
37:03
why they did it i don't remember that oh i do
37:07
remember that no while watching that was like
37:09
what is this for yeah Oh, no, because it's during
37:12
the carousel scene, I think. Right. Oh, OK. Yeah.
37:18
So once the movie was done. Yeah. After Nicolas
37:22
Cage was dead. Yeah. I will say there is one
37:25
nice touch that I liked at the end where after
37:28
the brother is dead because he gets killed by
37:31
Dr. Lime and Dr. Lime's crew in that shootout
37:35
because Mr. Bean doesn't pull the trigger like
37:39
he did on his dad because he like. freezes up
37:41
um because they're supposed to be blanks and
37:44
then when he like confronts his dad at the end
37:46
he's like are they really blanks and then you
37:48
know shoots his dad and it they were blanks in
37:51
the first place so the dad never meant to kill
37:52
the brother unless the dad knew that he would
37:55
choke because of what happened to him right huge
37:59
puss yeah fucking i raised a fucking i raised
38:02
a fucking girl can't even shoot a man can't even
38:05
kill your own dad and dad uncle your replacement
38:09
dad second dad's count kill your uncle no he's
38:14
not a stepdad he's the dad that stepped up oh
38:20
my god now i'm gonna have that pregnant sonic
38:24
song stuck in my head thank you yeah pregnant
38:27
sonic oh hey everybody google pregnant sonic
38:31
well okay just for the images more more for the
38:34
song look up the song it's funnier well listen
38:37
to the song while you look at the images right
38:39
you can do both yeah this is what it looks like
38:42
this is still america a little slideshow you
38:44
can still look at pregnant sonic While housing
38:48
a chili dog and listening to a song about a pregnant
38:51
Sonic. He's full of life. It's okay. You have
38:54
the freedom of voice and expression and shit.
38:57
Nick, you know the sense memory that I had when
39:01
I was watching this movie, the thing that immediately
39:03
sprung to mind? Oh, what's that? It feels like
39:06
you remember your birthday, where you made us
39:09
go to that second run movie theater and watch
39:13
Ninja Assassin. Oh yeah. I got so drunk and passed
39:17
out. Everybody hated it so much. I spent more
39:20
than 50 % of that movie outside of the theater
39:23
smoking with Brandon and Paul. That movie was
39:26
so bad. And it felt like you doing that to me
39:32
over a distance of hundreds of miles again. I
39:37
do have that effect on people. man i had forgotten
39:44
about that one when you started to say something
39:47
about the birthday i was like oh no is this gonna
39:49
be like a a robo party is this which one is this
39:53
no the robo parties were good yeah good the escape
39:59
from sexy space prison that was probably one
40:01
of the best that was a great one what yeah yeah
40:05
i'm into this one explain i the theme of the
40:09
party was escape from sexy space prison and so
40:12
i was the space warden so i had like a like a
40:16
military jacket that i i think i spray painted
40:19
it silver because everything had to be space
40:21
themed so we just went around so much silver
40:24
we spray painted like fake fruit silver and put
40:29
it out it's space fruit Oh, and the whole house
40:33
just smelled like spray paint because we did
40:35
it like an hour before the party. Oh, man. Yeah.
40:40
Oh, man. That one was fucking killer, though.
40:43
I did love Escape from Sexy Space Prison. I had
40:47
a fake like purple fur hat and a mesh shirt.
40:52
oh yeah you were a pair of jeans i was a space
40:54
pimp and like a pair of jeans that like we just
40:58
cut out paper stencils of stars and like spray
41:01
painted silver stars onto oh that was the good
41:08
one the ninja assassin birthday was the one that
41:10
was bad yeah that's that was crossing the line
41:14
okay so we kind of covered quotes a little bit
41:18
um do you guys actually have one of my own yeah
41:21
It's when Beardy Boy tries to kill Nick Cage
41:25
and Nick Cage like turns it around on him and
41:26
gets one knife. All right, baby girl, who sent
41:29
you? Who sent you? Who sent you? Oh, that was
41:34
good. He's got him like on the ground with a
41:36
knife in his neck outside by the car. Yeah. Yeah,
41:41
pretty much anything that came out of Nicolas
41:42
Cage's mouth was just gold in like either like
41:46
terrifically delivered garbage. or garbage delivered
41:50
gold and i couldn't ever distinguish between
41:55
the two but i loved every everything that he
41:58
did in this film you can watch super cuts of
42:01
his scenes online and it's a better movie but
42:04
then you miss out on all the like side characters
42:06
it's true i love those side characters dr like
42:09
the baby and gg diamond claw man they're all
42:18
there Including a fucking monkey for no reason.
42:21
Hey, there you go. See, there you go, Nick. Someone
42:24
likes the monkeys. I googled who the monkeys
42:27
were. You didn't have to go to a thrift store
42:30
to buy that just to prove a point. I own that.
42:34
I've owned that for years. I own it now. I've
42:37
owned it longer than I've known you. Joey, did
42:41
you have a quote? The only one I wrote down was,
42:44
hi, fucking y 'all. I was a high fucking yeah
42:46
guy myself. So good. Best line amongst a thousand
42:53
terrible lines. All right. So we've got like
42:57
the, the cage grid, you know, good performance,
43:00
good movie, good, bad, bad, good. I don't do
43:05
this. Good cage, bad cage, good movie, bad, good,
43:07
good movie, good cage, bad movie, bad cage, good,
43:09
bad, bad, good. Yeah. That's the one. Thanks
43:11
Sean. So where would you put this, Joey? This
43:16
bad movie. And what are my options for cage rating?
43:20
Well, I mean, you can kind of say everyone makes
43:23
their own whatever we have a numerical value.
43:26
So movie bad. Cage. Three point five out of ten.
43:34
OK. Neat. Bad, bad, bad movie. Maybe I'm going
43:40
to say some controversial things here. This movie
43:42
is worse than... It's the N -word, isn't it?
43:44
Don't do it, Sean. It's not time. This movie
43:48
is now my least favorite movie that we've watched
43:53
on this thing. Wow. I would rather watch Primal.
43:56
Oh, God. I would still never watch City of Angels
44:01
again. City of Angels has its moments. Doesn't
44:05
have a fucking... All of those moments not being
44:08
this film. It doesn't have claw hands. It doesn't
44:11
have boobs. True. Are you guys done Wicker Man
44:14
yet? Because I really like the Lili Sobieski
44:18
and Nick Cage Wicker Man more than this. Yeah.
44:23
What's the one we fucking dunked on forever?
44:25
We watched it early. It's the one that broke
44:29
us. Doggy Dog. Oh, Doggy Dog. Doggy Dog's real
44:34
rough. I would watch this. I would rather watch
44:37
a Schrader than this again. Oh, whoa. I would
44:43
rather watch Dog Eat Dog again. OK, you've got
44:45
it on. It's on record now. Yeah. Sean loves Paul
44:50
Schrader. No, I hate Paul Schrader. I hate Paul
44:54
Schrader slightly less than I hate this movie.
44:56
OK, that's a hot take. But in terms of Cage,
45:02
six high fucking yaws out of ten. Yeah, this
45:08
is a bad movie with a golden cage. This is in
45:12
no way a bad Nicolas Cage performance. That's
45:15
what I call my chastity bill. The golden cage.
45:19
Look at you. I'm a pirate cage. I can't afford
45:22
gold yet, but I'm working on it. One day. It's
45:25
a soft metal. I get weird stains on my junk because
45:28
it's an off -brand gold. This turns your stuff
45:32
green. Yep. I think I got an allergy, Pop. I
45:38
obviously go to my dad with all of my genital
45:41
allergies. Chastity cage dermatitis. Wait, your
45:44
dad or your uncle? I don't know. Uncle Daddy.
45:47
Duncle. Duncle. Yeah, great, great performance.
45:54
Absolutely undefinable. yeah oh god and that
46:00
it cannot be defined this movie is textbook definition
46:05
of undefinable truly fucking terrible it is not
46:09
worth watching other than the supercut that sean
46:12
was talking about like or to see those side characters
46:14
i feel like i might have misinterpreted the cage
46:17
scale is this like cage being good or cage being
46:20
cage um it's kind of what what's in your heart
46:23
yeah Because then I'll call it five out of ten.
46:26
I'll revise my score if we're just rating it
46:28
out of being Nicolas Cage. That's terrific. I
46:31
mean, just like Nicolas Cage, you got to take
46:33
it by the minute. We're no longer judging these
46:36
movies together, so we can really just make up
46:38
our own rules now. Oh, it's way easier when we
46:40
have nothing to compare them against. Yeah. I
46:42
mean, it's also horrible, but. If this is the
46:45
worst movie that you've watched as part of this
46:47
so far, what's the best? Well, I mean, empirically
46:50
from our experiment, it is Raising Arizona. oh
46:55
that's yeah okay that's fair i was gonna propose
46:58
have you done um the color out of space yeah
47:02
we have that was the uh my initial inspiration
47:07
to do this was i watched that movie i'm like
47:09
huh nicholas kate is kind of great i should watch
47:13
more of his films i really actually liked that
47:16
one yeah yeah yeah that was a great one it's
47:19
a very good movie I like that he's a local bourbon
47:22
enthusiast. Oh, man, that was one of my favorite,
47:28
like random clips for the the movie showing that
47:30
we did. Oh, yeah. In memoriams were terrific.
47:35
I will say one thing I do appreciate about this
47:38
film, though, is, again, it's much like Kiss
47:41
of Death. It's one of those weird times where
47:44
we get Nicolas Cage as an actual villain. Yeah.
47:47
Oh, yeah, true. Ooh, I bought my first DVD recently,
47:52
like years. I now own Surf Ninjas because you
47:56
can't stream it in America. Okay, that's fair.
48:00
I also recently started acquiring DVDs again
48:03
when I got an Xbox and right now I've got like
48:07
basically 20 to 25 Godzilla movies and Jaws.
48:13
Nice. Solid. Yeah. That is a very singularly
48:20
focused collection. Well, I got the Godzilla
48:26
Showa era Criterion collection a little while
48:29
back. And then I also have the Godzilla Master
48:34
Collection series that I've technically owned
48:36
for years, but didn't have anything that I could
48:39
play it on. Which, that thing's nuts. If you
48:42
have it still sealed up, it's worth like $400.
48:45
It's crazy. Whoa. Yeah. That's a lot of Zillas.
48:51
It's a lot of them. Well, it's not even a lot
48:53
of them. I think there's just a couple of movies
48:54
in there that are really hard to find otherwise.
48:58
Like I got it when I was in college from like
49:02
an ex -girlfriend's parents for Christmas or
49:04
something when it was new and like cost 40 bucks
49:07
or whatever. And I've just had it since then.
49:10
And the only one that's ever been opened is the
49:11
original Godzilla movie from like 54 in it. I
49:15
think I remember that. Was that Izzy? No, that
49:19
was Kayla's parents. Yeah, okay. Knife in the
49:21
tree. Knife in the tree. Who was the one who
49:24
got crazy and then like was up in a tree with
49:27
a knife one day? I mean, if this isn't ringing
49:30
a bell. I think that's got to be somebody else's
49:34
relationship you're talking about. No, this was
49:37
your relationship. It wasn't a very long one.
49:40
No. I don't know. I'm never going to figure it
49:45
out. Peter, this conversation that we have no
49:48
engagement in is more interesting than the movie
49:50
we had to watch for this podcast. I mean, it's
49:52
true. She wasn't a theater major. Was she like,
49:55
we didn't have any like nursing or anything.
49:58
She feels like she's crazy enough to be a nursing
50:00
major, but. What about Brandon's Angela? The
50:06
one we never saw? Oh God, what was it? There
50:09
was some reason that like I didn't hang out around
50:12
her because she didn't like my influence or something
50:16
like that. And he didn't hang around with Natasha.
50:20
She thought you were a bad influence on Brandon.
50:23
Yeah, I don't know. I think she was like nursing,
50:28
wasn't she? Yeah, she was never a knife in the
50:30
tree kind of person. She could have been a knife
50:33
in the tree kind of person. I bet Evan would
50:35
remember. You should text Evan. He doesn't take
50:37
my calls anymore for reasons. Probably because
50:40
he's trying to have a career in politics. I don't
50:43
know. Yeah. You gotta be juicy about who you
50:46
associate with. I'm persona non grata for some
50:48
people. I mean, he still texts me, so he's, you
50:51
know, there will be dirt that comes up. I don't
50:55
know who is Knife and Tree. We'll leave it as
50:58
a mystery. Yeah. Come back in two weeks. she
51:03
could still be up in that tree with a knife she
51:05
could be in the tree in the knife with the knife
51:07
or knives in the in the yard but that was just
51:11
throwing knives that we forgot to pick up and
51:14
then the grass got too tall and it was we were
51:16
playing lawnmower surprise i love lawnmower surprise
51:19
that's terrifying bunch of lighters and knives
51:24
city says we gotta mow it so let's mow it now
51:30
We don't got time to rake. Now, if you if you
51:32
hit the knife just right, that does mowing for
51:35
you. Maybe. Maybe. It must have done something
51:40
because we did not find those knives again. Yeah.
51:44
Well, Joey, it's been nice. Thank you for joining
51:48
us on this adventure. Thanks for thanks for suffering.
51:51
Yeah. Thanks for having me. I hope that everybody
51:55
has a little bit less context when they think
51:58
about me now. Yeah. Just more questions. Just
52:02
adding to Nick lore. I think that's the whole
52:04
point of this entire podcast. You're an enigma.
52:08
An enigma. Man of mystery. Enigma. Jesus. Yeah.
52:17
So next up, we've got Christmas Carol colon the
52:21
movie. Which is a weird like live action into
52:26
animation. It's a Zemeckis. No, it's not. It's
52:30
not. No. Look it up again. Oh, no, I think. Oh,
52:35
God, what am I thinking of? I'm thinking of.
52:37
No, you're thinking of the terrible Jim Carrey
52:39
one. Which we might end up just talking about
52:42
that more. No, I'm thinking of fucking what's
52:45
the Polar Express. That's what I was thinking
52:47
of. Oh, well, this is in the same era of Zemeckis.
52:51
yeah no okay no i was i was picturing like rubbery
52:54
cg this is oh this is worse this is so much worse
52:58
i've never seen it i can't wait oh this is like
53:01
okay this isn't like that page master style of
53:04
like animation ah gross we're gonna have christmas
53:08
like right before fucking halloween quit pushing
53:12
christmas forward oh man Supposed to be putting
53:21
up my Halloween decorations like in the next
53:24
week. Well, I mean, Cage's character is Marley,
53:27
so he's got like chains and he's a ghost. Like
53:30
if you're going to make a Halloween. That's a
53:32
little Halloween -y. That's pretty Halloween
53:34
-y. Man. As you know, Christmas Carol is probably
53:38
the more Halloween -y of the Christmas stories.
53:41
Yeah. So thank you all for listening. Thank you
53:44
to our Sparkle Buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam,
53:47
Bill, Stuart, and new Sparkle Buddy, Willow.
53:50
And to our Caged Dancers, John Freeman, Nathan
53:53
N. Cameron. And to Bill Panks for our intro music.
53:56
And to our guest, Joey the Smoke. Last name.
54:08
Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Bye. Bye -bye. It's one of
54:23
those weird things, though, where, like, if I
54:24
closed my eyes, I could just imagine that this
54:26
was the witch's brew or whatever. Like, they're
54:29
not that dissimilar. I mean, this one's clearly
54:33
grape. And that one was clearly not poison. Yeah.
54:40
I'm 150 miles away, and I feel like I could smell
54:43
it. You know exactly what it smells like. Yeah,
54:46
I've never smelled one and I think I know what
54:49
it smells like. You know exactly what it smells
54:51
like. Rachel, when we got married, her uncle
54:55
bought a bottle of like sparkling wine. He was
54:57
like, oh, celebrating. And, you know, it's nothing
54:59
like. crazy um expensive but it is blue for some
55:03
reason and we thought it was just that it was
55:04
a blue bottle but no it is actually like dyed
55:07
blue and tastes like blue raspberry like super
55:12
fake and weird it was really rough we tried drinking
55:15
it and both of us were like i can't i can't do
55:17
it and it was like maybe if you close your eyes
55:19
you don't realize that it's blue and it tastes
55:22
better it did not yeah blue is one of my favorite
55:27
flavored colors see you would have probably enjoyed
55:30
this one i mean that's the best gatorade