Latest / The Everyday Awesome Project / 110: Women’s Circles: How to Build the Community You’ve Been Craving

Transcript

110: Women’s Circles: How to Build the Community You’ve Been Craving · The Everyday Awesome Project

• 0:23
  Polly Mertens: Hey superstars, welcome back.
• 0:24
  Polly Mertens: Polly here.
• 0:25
  Polly Mertens: And Sam Pruitt up in the mountains.
• 0:28
  Polly Mertens: At least my spirit is up there on that mountaintop.
• 0:32
  Polly Mertens: What's up, beautiful humans?
• 0:33
  Samantha Pruitt: Yes, Matthew's got a backdrop of mountains.
• 0:35
  Samantha Pruitt: So good to see you again, my dear.
• 0:37
  Samantha Pruitt: And you too.
• 0:38
  Samantha Pruitt: Here we are.
• 0:39
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, here we are.
• 0:40
  Samantha Pruitt: Good to be seen.
• 0:40
  Samantha Pruitt: Good to be seen.
• 0:42
  Samantha Pruitt: No, there's been a lot swimming around in your world, and maybe you'll be sharing more of that on social and stuff.
• 0:47
  Samantha Pruitt: So check us out on social so you can find out.
• 0:49
  Samantha Pruitt: But today, what we're getting up to in this conversation, you know, the loneliness epidemic, right, is the core of what this is about, right?
• 0:58
  Samantha Pruitt: And one of the things that we want to not solve for, but it's about the power of a circle.
• 1:03
  Samantha Pruitt: And we're going to be speaking from women's perspective because we're women, you know, and we've had that experience.
• 1:07
  Samantha Pruitt: A lot of this, if not all of it, is very applicable to men.
• 1:10
  Samantha Pruitt: We're just referencing women as we talk because that's our that's who we are.
• 1:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 1:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 1:15
  Samantha Pruitt: And really it's applicable to any and all humans, however they identify.
• 1:19
  Samantha Pruitt: But our personal experience is female-centric.
• 1:22
  Samantha Pruitt: So we want to really speak from an authentic place and the history of the female and things of that nature.
• 1:28
  Samantha Pruitt: But yeah, fully applicable to any and all humans.
• 1:32
  Polly Mertens: Yes, yes.
• 1:33
  Polly Mertens: So, you know, I don't think it's any surprise as we're, as this is airing, uh, you know, early 2026, there's, you know, you have a lot going on in your world.
• 1:43
  Polly Mertens: There's just people I talk to, there's a lot of shifting and leaving the planet and changes and a lot of chaos in the world right now.
• 1:52
  Polly Mertens: And I find that, you know, the more this social media, you know, pandemic has arisen, um, we find ourselves lonelier than ever, right?
• 2:02
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 2:02
  Polly Mertens: And so it's like the thing that we're gonna be talking about today, I think is one of the best cures, especially for us as individuals, to stay connected, right?
• 2:11
  Polly Mertens: To not fall into that loneliness trap, right?
• 2:13
  Polly Mertens: You've got to like dig your way, you've got to reach out to the people in your life to keep that connection alive, right?
• 2:19
  Polly Mertens: Because the brain, number one, when a lot of chaos, chaos, chaos, it kind of wants to help you seclude and like stay protected or safe.
• 2:27
  Polly Mertens: And it's actually better for your nervous system, better for your biology to be with other humans that you trust, like, no, you know, I'm not saying just, you know, some people like go out and do a March grade if that feels good to you, but like having your inner core, right?
• 2:41
  Polly Mertens: So yeah.
• 2:43
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, it really started during the pandemic when we were forced into our little shells, right?
• 2:49
  Samantha Pruitt: But it's been enough time now that people are back into society and functioning relatively normal.
• 2:56
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, we'll never really be 100% the same, right?
• 2:59
  Samantha Pruitt: Um, that, and of course, the online vortex that so many people just dropped into.
• 3:06
  Samantha Pruitt: Oh, I guess this is how we talk to people now and how we work and how we see the world and all of that.
• 3:12
  Samantha Pruitt: You don't know that's not reality, right?
• 3:14
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, I'm just like this is not how humans evolved.
• 3:18
  Samantha Pruitt: And I do want us to share a little bit about circles and what we mean by a circle.
• 3:24
  Samantha Pruitt: Well, first of all, how do you how would you define a circle?
• 3:27
  Polly Mertens: Well, I mean, uh, you know, you could have a triangle of three, but I would still consider that possibly a circle.
• 3:33
  Polly Mertens: You know, I would say more than two, three, four, you know, I I've also and not to limit things.
• 3:40
  Polly Mertens: Um, so that and depending on the amount of time that you have set aside, you know, I think a good communing regularly women's circle, max 12, 10, okay.
• 3:52
  Polly Mertens: Eight, probably ideal.
• 3:53
  Polly Mertens: Fewer than six, it could be light, meaning, you know, one person doesn't show up or two people don't show up for some reason.
• 3:59
  Polly Mertens: You know, suddenly it's like four.
• 4:01
  Polly Mertens: So that like I think there's this sweet spot of about eight to ten.
• 4:05
  Polly Mertens: I think that's a nice that's that's yeah, that's my experience.
• 4:09
  Polly Mertens: How about you?
• 4:10
  Polly Mertens: Anything okay.
• 4:11
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, I've been in all different sizes too.
• 4:14
  Samantha Pruitt: I kind of prefer the smaller, but I'm super comfortable with and appreciate deep, hard conversations.
• 4:23
  Samantha Pruitt: So smaller units tend to get a little bit deeper, tend to get a bit a little bit more exposed and raw and vulnerable.
• 4:29
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm a fan of that, but I've also been in the bigger groups and it can be also incredibly rewarding and much more comfortable for most people who are not used to doing this.
• 4:40
  Samantha Pruitt: You might want to start out with something a little bit more larger, and I don't want to say superficial, but you know, there's a common thread like hiking or books or you know, a passion for knitting or whatever the thing is.
• 4:53
  Samantha Pruitt: Whatever the thing is.
• 4:54
  Polly Mertens: And what you might find, you know what, you and I were talking about like one of the things we're gonna give is homework is like to create one or find one or start one or join one or something, is like, you know, sometimes it can be people that you're already connected to, most likely that you're already connected to.
• 5:08
  Polly Mertens: And either you peel off, you know, you might have a big matt male-female hiking club that you belong to, or a ski club, or dinner club, or whatever.
• 5:17
  Polly Mertens: That's a bigger, and you might find some core people that you feel values alignment with or you feel heart alignment with or something like that, and invite them, right?
• 5:26
  Polly Mertens: And exactly.
• 5:27
  Polly Mertens: So we'll get to that.
• 5:28
  Samantha Pruitt: To do your own little breakout.
• 5:29
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 5:29
  Polly Mertens: So you know, like where this goes to, you know, I mean, you and I've both have a lot of experience, like you said, in varying levels.
• 5:36
  Polly Mertens: And I mean, if you think about it, our current version or or rendering of what society looks like is small compared to how long humans have been on this planet, right?
• 5:47
  Polly Mertens: Like we're just like the little blip at the end of the dash in history, right?
• 5:52
  Polly Mertens: And so if you think about, you know, before we were all in separate houses and separate communities, and we had to drive hundreds of miles or whatever it is to get from place to place, like people gathered, you know, like communities, the tighter the knit, the the tribe, let's say, and I know that's not a great whatever, but you truly a tribe, right?
• 6:12
  Polly Mertens: Or a town was small, close knit.
• 6:16
  Polly Mertens: Usually there was multi-generations involved, right?
• 6:19
  Polly Mertens: And people were the women, especially because of the child rearing and the cooking and cleaning and stuff like that, were often very interconnected and shared a lot of resources, shared a lot of communal, you know, support and all that.
• 6:33
  Polly Mertens: So 90 to 90 percent of our history, women were like they lived, they birthed, they gathered in communal groups.
• 6:39
  Polly Mertens: There's things called red tents in tribal history, there's moon circles.
• 6:43
  Polly Mertens: You know, this isn't like it's just we're disconnected to it because of our you know modern age, if you will.
• 6:49
  Samantha Pruitt: And isn't it hilarious that we call that the evolution of humanity?
• 6:54
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, woo-woo.
• 6:55
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:56
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm sorry, why is that woo-woo?
• 6:59
  Samantha Pruitt: And you're a woo-woo, and I kind of tease you that you're a woo-woo, and I love that about you because we're so yin yang.
• 7:06
  Samantha Pruitt: But it's like there's that's just the evolution of humanity.
• 7:11
  Polly Mertens: I'm sorry, that's how it was done until maybe 150 years ago, but the thousands of years before that, yeah.
• 7:18
  Polly Mertens: Like if you look at history and I mean witchery or whatever, but like people, this is how we we we grew up, we evolved, we we farmed together, we cooked together, you know, um, you supported each other.
• 7:31
  Polly Mertens: I mean, there's definitely, if you talk to me about a mindset thing, I talk about that two million-year-old brain of yours.
• 7:38
  Polly Mertens: If you feel like you're gonna be ostracized from the tribe, the brain has a lot of safeguards to keep you invested in, you know, belonging, if you will, right?
• 7:49
  Samantha Pruitt: Cooperative function on the daily, you know, cooperation and survival depends on it.
• 7:55
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, I mean, I mean, people love to do it.
• 7:56
  Polly Mertens: Like, oh, you can social media this, and all of a sudden you're an influencer and doing all stuff.
• 8:00
  Polly Mertens: It's like, I'm sorry, but you're still very connected, like or yeah, or you just are up in your head, but like where your heart is is connected to other human beings.
• 8:10
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, I love the you're going that direction and the term um, you know, co-regulation or nervous system regulation.
• 8:18
  Samantha Pruitt: We talk a lot about the nervous system and the vagus nerve and all these things going on in the body, how they affect your stress response and all of that.
• 8:25
  Samantha Pruitt: Very, very primal stuff.
• 8:27
  Samantha Pruitt: Study it if you haven't checked it out yet, because we're super nerds of it.
• 8:30
  Samantha Pruitt: But the co-regulation is getting into a space like you and I do with each other, or you do in small groups or circles where you really are energetically, and of course, through communication and shared experiences, helping to regulate the nervous system of each other, like infants and parents and grandparents and infants, and you know, all these things that humans have done since the beginning of mankind, civilization and all of that, and even way before any kind of civilized world, right?
• 9:02
  Polly Mertens: Right.
• 9:02
  Samantha Pruitt: So that co-regulation that happens is invaluable, and that cannot happen through a device or a screen or anything like that.
• 9:13
  Samantha Pruitt: It takes real human contact and real human authentic communication, looking each other in the eye.
• 9:19
  Polly Mertens: Well, and I think I don't know what year it was, but we could probably figure this out of like when using your phone as a phone went away.
• 9:27
  Polly Mertens: Like it's just this texting computer, social media entertainment device now.
• 9:31
  Polly Mertens: And it's like, we used, I mean, there is something still to be said about human voice, the human ear.
• 9:37
  Polly Mertens: Like that still can create the connection, if you will, right?
• 9:43
  Polly Mertens: That texting can't.
• 9:44
  Polly Mertens: I mean, you can get some emotions from a text, you can also get some mixed, all jacked up emotions from a text.
• 9:50
  Polly Mertens: So speaking, communicating with voice to voice, and in person, primarily, right, you get a whole nother level, right?
• 9:58
  Polly Mertens: Because what is it, 93% of communication is nonverbal, right?
• 10:01
  Polly Mertens: So if you can't see them, hear Fieldler space, that's oral, whatever.
• 10:06
  Polly Mertens: But I also just want to dispel one myth, or if anybody's thinking about it, I know um, you know, there's definitely some groups or some people that would say that women's circles and getting together is like, oh, we're just there at a pitch session, you know.
• 10:18
  Polly Mertens: And it's like, I have not been a part of that group ever, and I would never, right?
• 10:23
  Polly Mertens: So that's not what we're talking about here.
• 10:25
  Polly Mertens: There may be that, you know, whatever.
• 10:27
  Polly Mertens: This is like healing, supportive, vulnerable spaces for true connection, for support through whatever good new, good times, bad times, average times, whatever.
• 10:40
  Polly Mertens: It just helps with so much of that nervous system regulation.
• 10:44
  Polly Mertens: And I mean, there's high things that you can get out of it too, and we'll go into that, but it's it's it can happen over, you know.
• 10:52
  Polly Mertens: We've talked about like uh like Zoom and stuff like that.
• 10:54
  Polly Mertens: You know, you just started a new course that you're taking, right?
• 10:57
  Polly Mertens: And I'm sure, like you said, like 400 people got on this online Zoom call.
• 11:01
  Polly Mertens: You get some sense of it, but you know, in person more so.
• 11:06
  Samantha Pruitt: So yeah, you become a resource for one another, right?
• 11:10
  Samantha Pruitt: So that's not something that should be taken lightly.
• 11:13
  Samantha Pruitt: You know, there's it's called relationship.
• 11:16
  Samantha Pruitt: And in relationship, you relate to the other person, ideally showing up with compassion and you know, maybe some insight or just whatever it is that they might need at that moment, and they do the same thing for you.
• 11:30
  Samantha Pruitt: It's those really fantastic and also fun.
• 11:34
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah you know, it's not always hard talk, serious talk, crisis management, or whatever.
• 11:39
  Samantha Pruitt: It's fucking hilarious, dude.
• 11:41
  Samantha Pruitt: Totally like you know, the insanity of it all.
• 11:43
  Samantha Pruitt: I just spent a week traveling and saw, you know, three significant people in my life back to back to back.
• 11:50
  Samantha Pruitt: And one was uh one I hadn't seen in quite a long time.
• 11:53
  Samantha Pruitt: And it was one of my first business partners ever.
• 11:55
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, I was literally 19 years old for my first business.
• 11:58
  Samantha Pruitt: And she's quite a bit older than me, and I stayed at her house intentionally so I could have meals with her, or I could spend more time with her.
• 12:05
  Samantha Pruitt: And then I was coming and going visiting the other people in the area, and we had a lot of very deep intimate conversation, you know, no phones, all the kind of stuff, privacy.
• 12:17
  Samantha Pruitt: But then we also laughed our asses off and you know, told stories and had great memories and you know, shared insight, like it's that intimate connection that people really do long for.
• 12:31
  Samantha Pruitt: I believe they long for.
• 12:34
  Polly Mertens: And I think I'll add to this um, you know, I'm doing this landmark program, and this quarter, we we have we break it up the year into quarters, and this quarter is we call the being related quarter.
• 12:44
  Polly Mertens: It's funny that we're talking about this, right?
• 12:45
  Polly Mertens: And so it's about having an experience of being related, right?
• 12:50
  Polly Mertens: And what does that mean?
• 12:51
  Polly Mertens: How do you build that?
• 12:52
  Polly Mertens: How do you create that?
• 12:53
  Polly Mertens: And one of the things that we were getting trained on recently was how um when you want to like so in this a lot of this work is around teams and teamwork, right?
• 13:02
  Polly Mertens: So apply this to your family, that's a team.
• 13:04
  Polly Mertens: Apply this to your business, there's teams over there.
• 13:06
  Polly Mertens: Apply this to a community, there's teams over there, right?
• 13:08
  Polly Mertens: So it's very applicable.
• 13:10
  Polly Mertens: And they were saying that the let's say the bigger the lift that you want from your team, the deeper the relatedness needs to be, right?
• 13:19
  Polly Mertens: And so if you get these superficial, text-only, 100% remote jobs where people only talk about like the job at hand or the next meeting or whatever, and they're not building, building that background of relatedness.
• 13:32
  Polly Mertens: When something you got a heavy lift, whatever that looks like for you, and you can take that into all the dimensions that I just mentioned, those people are your go-to people, and with the background of relatedness, you can count on them.
• 13:44
  Polly Mertens: They're like your anchor.
• 13:46
  Polly Mertens: They are there to whatever you need, right?
• 13:48
  Polly Mertens: But if you don't have that background of relatedness, it's weak and like it, like a tree, it just falls over.
• 13:53
  Polly Mertens: It's like, oh, you know.
• 13:56
  Samantha Pruitt: So, I mean, I've spent 20 years, you know, in event production, and that's basically all it is.
• 14:01
  Samantha Pruitt: Is there is a team of ideally a team player, you might have a B team and a C team, right?
• 14:07
  Samantha Pruitt: Nothing personal, but like there can be layers to that depending on the size and the scope and the scale.
• 14:12
  Samantha Pruitt: But if you do not have deep roots in that A team and you are trying to execute at a very high level, it is not gonna happen.
• 14:21
  Samantha Pruitt: I've seen epic fails as in just dangerous, chaotic, and unsuccessful in all different ways.
• 14:28
  Samantha Pruitt: And then the polar opposite, which is incredibly rewarding to be part of, is that deep-rooted, you know, connection with each other, where literally you show up to do the thing, whatever the thing is, achieve the goal, right?
• 14:40
  Samantha Pruitt: Whatever it is, and you are freaking unstoppable.
• 14:43
  Samantha Pruitt: And we talked a lot about A-Teams on this podcast.
• 14:45
  Samantha Pruitt: We have plenty of episodes on that.
• 14:47
  Samantha Pruitt: People can go back and listen.
• 14:48
  Samantha Pruitt: But that's what you're talking about is that relatedness, that connectedness, its roots to the relationship.
• 14:54
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 14:55
  Polly Mertens: And so, how I would translate this, I love what you just said, is like so to create an event or let's call it a project, like a one-time thing, like, okay, we're gonna bang this out in a day or in a weekend or six weeks or whatever it is, right?
• 15:09
  Polly Mertens: Like you said, that background of relatedness.
• 15:11
  Polly Mertens: What I think these circles do is it's the marathon of your life.
• 15:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Right.
• 15:15
  Polly Mertens: So you translate that to like it's not just a one-day marathon or one-day event.
• 15:21
  Polly Mertens: It's like, this is these are the people that carry on this project called your life with you.
• 15:27
  Polly Mertens: And it could be pieces of it.
• 15:29
  Polly Mertens: You know, like I don't have the same women's groups that I had 10 or 15 years ago, like, but they're in that phase, maybe, or like you have like lifelong friends that yeah, for this giant chunk of your life, they're your go-to A team, right?
• 15:44
  Polly Mertens: Um you can get up to so much, right?
• 15:48
  Polly Mertens: You they they they see you, they build your confidence, they reflect back to you, like, hey, you, I see you over there.
• 15:55
  Polly Mertens: You're not you're not thinking you're so great right now.
• 15:58
  Polly Mertens: Let me remind you how great you are.
• 15:59
  Polly Mertens: You know, like there's so much to it.
• 16:01
  Polly Mertens: So it's not just, oh, I'm gonna put myself in this circle and I don't know, I don't think anybody would go into these to like, oh, to get them to do things for me, like a team or something like that.
• 16:11
  Polly Mertens: But to really be vulnerable and sharing yourself and and any relationship, as you talked about, there's give and receive, give and receive mutually.
• 16:20
  Polly Mertens: Like they share vulnerable things with you, you support them in that, and that, you know, and it builds this quilt or this shield, if you will, of your circle that's like you guys have each other, you know.
• 16:33
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, and it changes you biochemically, like literally your oxytocin, your neurons, your your chemistry of your body on a cellular level is changed.
• 16:44
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 16:45
  Samantha Pruitt: So that's the other thing is that happens, that's a real thing that happens, and so you need that to be healthy and well psychologically, physically, but also maybe pick these circles wisely because of that impact, right?
• 17:03
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, well, multi-factor.
• 17:04
  Polly Mertens: So I want to double click on what you just said about the oxytocin.
• 17:06
  Polly Mertens: So I used to um look at this.
• 17:09
  Polly Mertens: So when and it doesn't necessarily have to be in circle, like sitting down at a on a couch or at a table or something like that.
• 17:15
  Polly Mertens: These can be moving too.
• 17:17
  Polly Mertens: Like you can have, you know, walking meetings and stuff like that.
• 17:20
  Samantha Pruitt: That's but that's kind.
• 17:21
  Samantha Pruitt: What are you talking about?
• 17:22
  Samantha Pruitt: You need to be, I'm all about that.
• 17:24
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 17:27
  Polly Mertens: Getting on the road, taking this on the road.
• 17:28
  Polly Mertens: Well, I think about when I think about oxytocin, um, one thing I discovered, and I can't remember where I read it, so there's no like, oh, point to this doctor, whatever.
• 17:35
  Polly Mertens: But when women chit-chat, talk, talk, talk, right?
• 17:39
  Polly Mertens: We release oxytocin, right?
• 17:41
  Polly Mertens: And oxytocin, happiness drug, if you don't know what that is, like it's good for you.
• 17:44
  Polly Mertens: It's just good for you, right?
• 17:46
  Polly Mertens: So these women's circles, like I always feel so I'm like, hey, I just got washed over my brain with oxytocin for an hour or whatever.
• 17:54
  Polly Mertens: Similar to, you know, having a really good deep coffee chat with a friend or something like that.
• 17:58
  Polly Mertens: It's washing your brain with that feel-good chemical to make you more immune from all the other news, the other 23 hours of your day that you're taking on or you're hearing about or relating to, right?
• 18:11
  Polly Mertens: Like you're you've got that oxytocin washing through your brain, right?
• 18:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Exactly.
• 18:16
  Samantha Pruitt: It's a hormone and it's very, very important.
• 18:19
  Samantha Pruitt: It's it's one of the primary hormones that you know babies share with their mother.
• 18:25
  Samantha Pruitt: It's that whole experience of being, you know, loved uh at birth and experiencing with your caretakers and all that kind of stuff that, you know, allows us to even form bonds.
• 18:36
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, and you may know more about this.
• 18:38
  Polly Mertens: I don't know too much of the science above this, but we, you know, I've looked up mirror neurons, right?
• 18:43
  Polly Mertens: And so mirror neurons, when another woman, you know, shares her truth, the other woman, like our brains process it as our own experience, and we, you know, we have collective healing.
• 18:53
  Polly Mertens: Like we, we, we see one another and like our heart heals when their heart, you know, when they share something, we we feel for them that empathy experience, the mirror neurons like allow us to get over there with that person and we feel that place in us that that person is experiencing, right?
• 19:10
  Polly Mertens: Whereas a lot of life is just this you know, kind of like this medium grade hum, if you will.
• 19:17
  Polly Mertens: And what our heart longs for are these deeper connections, highs and lows, but just to be feeling with another person, right?
• 19:25
  Samantha Pruitt: So yeah, and the mirroring is that reflecting back.
• 19:30
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 19:31
  Samantha Pruitt: They can be shared experiences or not at all.
• 19:34
  Samantha Pruitt: But as the compassion of humanity, me being a human, you being a human, I can relate, even if I've never experienced any of these things at all.
• 19:43
  Samantha Pruitt: Or if I have.
• 19:44
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, there's a relatedness, there's a shared humanity and a mirroring of seeing each other in that, you know, and knowing that maybe you're in a tough moment and I've been there or I haven't been there, but I will be there someday, right?
• 19:59
  Samantha Pruitt: And so we have this together.
• 20:01
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 20:02
  Polly Mertens: And we we seeing, feeling, hearing, it's like it opens up it's almost like our, you know, those little um at the holidays, they have those little games that you can like open up a little window for 12 days or, you know, whatever.
• 20:16
  Polly Mertens: It's like it's like there's those in our heart and depending on the right.
• 20:19
  Polly Mertens: on the emotions.
• 20:20
  Polly Mertens: Like we want those little doors to our heart to be opened, you know, to feel sadness with someone, to feel joy with someone, to feel love with someone, to feel, you know, rejected.
• 20:30
  Polly Mertens: You know, it's like, oh, I get how that feels, you know, but it it activates to feel.
• 20:36
  Samantha Pruitt: Yes.
• 20:36
  Samantha Pruitt: To feel.
• 20:37
  Polly Mertens: Not just that, you know, buzzing along at the social media tick tock, like this whole TikTok dopamine hits, it's like, it's so getting us to a normalized duh, like a like a vibrational vibrational numb.
• 20:52
  Polly Mertens: And what we long for in our heart are the highs and the lows, you know, that it's like if you went to a symphony and they just played one note the whole time.
• 20:59
  Polly Mertens: You're like, well that was that wasn't what I expected, you know, like we we love the variety.
• 21:06
  Polly Mertens: Our heart loves those strings, those notes to be played up and down, up and down.
• 21:10
  Polly Mertens: Not like we want to, you know, be on a roller coaster, but we want to feel those things.
• 21:16
  Polly Mertens: That's why we're here.
• 21:17
  Samantha Pruitt: Well it builds emotional resiliency, right?
• 21:20
  Samantha Pruitt: These are muscles we're talking about.
• 21:22
  Samantha Pruitt: So you can envision that you're in a circle with whomever, whatever the group is, and there's shared things happening.
• 21:29
  Samantha Pruitt: I have a lot of different circles.
• 21:31
  Samantha Pruitt: So I'll just give my gym um female gym compadres as an example, right?
• 21:37
  Samantha Pruitt: So there's about a dozen of us and we're very hot on working out together and we fire each other up and we spend time at the gym and like we crush all kinds of things.
• 21:47
  Samantha Pruitt: But then we also go to coffee and we know what's happening in each other's lives outside of the gym.
• 21:53
  Samantha Pruitt: Right.
• 21:53
  Samantha Pruitt: So this is just an example of that.
• 21:55
  Samantha Pruitt: Like we started at the gym we didn't know each other at all.
• 21:58
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 21:58
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay.
• 21:59
  Samantha Pruitt: We look at each other, what the hell is she doing over there?
• 22:01
  Samantha Pruitt: Right, right.
• 22:01
  Samantha Pruitt: So we had this shared sweat and then it kind of spilled out after that.
• 22:05
  Samantha Pruitt: And now it's very much like any woman within the group is experiencing something or is in need we all come all guns ablazing to do whatever it needs to be fabric.
• 22:18
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah it's that yeah exactly it's like wait a minute one of our people is in need emotionally physically whatever the need might be yeah you know and that is priceless.
• 22:30
  Polly Mertens: And I don't think we're meant to ride all these roller coasters of emotions alone.
• 22:36
  Polly Mertens: No.
• 22:36
  Polly Mertens: We're meant to feel it and then have a a support network around us whether it's a loved one a primary whatever and more to share that burden that weight that you know that that impact whatever it is.
• 22:50
  Samantha Pruitt: Well we know from I've had a lot of personal experience lately of really hard crazy painful things happening to family members and loved ones and friends and all kinds of things and we've shared some of these experiences together you and I as well and so in that pain and suffering and grief I mean it's extraordinary how the healing element of the space with others being there allows the person who's really at the heart of that pain grief and suffering to express themselves.
• 23:25
  Samantha Pruitt: And then we can all express ourselves because everybody's in pain and we're all grieving and we're sharing that grief together the burden is lifted.
• 23:32
  Samantha Pruitt: But if we leave these people or ourselves in isolation that wound will not heal.
• 23:40
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah it will get deeper and deeper and deeper until and we've had these experiences too friends just basically drop into that hole and it's very hard to get them out of that suffering.
• 23:51
  Samantha Pruitt: It's a very dark place.
• 23:53
  Samantha Pruitt: And that's again not how we evolved as humans and not how we should be living our lives.
• 23:58
  Samantha Pruitt: If we have emotional resiliency and we go into places where we can express these anger sadness grief pain humor you know all of these myriad of emotions that humans have been given yeah we're meant to express all of them we're not going to be numb.
• 24:16
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 24:17
  Samantha Pruitt: You know we're allowed to let those things roll through us and process and ideally allow us to strengthen and move forward with our lives.
• 24:25
  Polly Mertens: Being seen and heard and feeling you know it's like I get you you know like I'm not like here to fix you or anything.
• 24:32
  Polly Mertens: And so I wanted to say just a few things on a little bit of history notes just you know we talk about like current day and how we're using them.
• 24:39
  Polly Mertens: So I mentioned red tents, you know so like historically women gathered in you know red tents during menstruation or childbirth and this wasn't like an exile thing like oh you're you know like no it was like they saw it as like sabbaticals of power right like so I remember going to my first sweat lodge and in most native sweat lodges they you know they have rules or they don't allow women who are menstruating right because they're so powerful and stuff.
• 25:06
  Polly Mertens: So it's like it's these you know combining this power and it was like also these red tents where and I find this I the one of the last groups that I created one of my intentions was I wanted multi-generational right so like when I was creating my mentor walks when I was creating my last women's circles I I've really intentionally wanted younger women and elder women because of that transfer of knowledge up and down, up and down, right?
• 25:31
  Polly Mertens: And so this is how women have healed each other, learned about this, taught each other, you know, whether it's moms sharing mom secrets, you know, or healer sharing healing things or whatever it is but you know that's one of the you know purposes for women and having this shamanic wisdom if you will transferring that power and that knowledge.
• 25:52
  Polly Mertens: And then I think you know we need these circles right communities where women held strong circles had the surviv highest survival rates.
• 26:02
  Samantha Pruitt: That's like of themselves and their children.
• 26:05
  Polly Mertens: Yeah social cohesion is a survival trait you know on your own good luck right so this is actually it makes us individually and collectively stronger to stay together to to work together.
• 26:18
  Polly Mertens: Like you said one of them is in crisis like everybody shows up right you see this with you know food uh what are they called food um like when a woman gives birth and then they have like a food train you know people bring food to the house a family you know or someone has someone a loved one pass away and it's like oh here we'll take on the cooking for you and stuff.
• 26:37
  Polly Mertens: You know and today we have this if we talked a little bit about that loneliness epidemic right so we have this surface level connection you have thousand or five thousand friends on Facebook but you know women's circles they're the antidote antidote of the superficial like this is really where the core of friendship we've done a segment on like the art of friendship right like creating those connections how to do it what's most important about it.
• 27:03
  Polly Mertens: And so it's not this performance thing you know a lot of people put their best lives on social media and these circles you see all of it right like all of it is welcome.
• 27:13
  Polly Mertens: That's really how they're utilized it's social media you might want oh I can't put that out there right in these circles all of you is welcome show it all to them because they they see you for the human that you are right all of it.
• 27:26
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah yeah and find ways to express and develop yourself how do you find one of these or create one you're the queen of creating them I mean I have found them over my lifetime or made them in um different manners than you have but you tend to do a more formal job of creating them.
• 27:44
  Samantha Pruitt: So maybe you can share that with us and then let's get into how people might find one for themselves or create one.
• 27:50
  Polly Mertens: Well I think what we touched on earlier is probably the most readily accessible for people is you already have communities or circles of groups that you somehow are interconnected with.
• 28:01
  Polly Mertens: Possibly you work for a large organization and you've got some people that whatever maybe you've been a part of a book club or hiking club or church group or whatever it is.
• 28:09
  Samantha Pruitt: So you better belong to a run club or a hike club hello exercise yes June club sorry all of that yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly so you know what I find is you're looking so one of the things for me when I create them is like what's the purpose?
• 28:29
  Polly Mertens: Like what's the intention right so like right now you know we're doing this um aliveness series and I'm creating it mostly for women in business you know because there's a there's a a a shared experience that women in business want to click relate about right especially if they're uh owner operator founder you know like it's lonely at the top kind of syndrome right or you know you're on or you're a single operator you you are aesthetician or whatever and that's your business right you're not you're interacting with your clients but like running the business of it so that's so formulating or forming a context for what you want the circle to be about I think is key or what circle you want to join right like if it's very like some people want to get better at spirituality like you've just joined a 400 person circle of people who want to study this work right you know that you're up to tell say just share about that for a minute.
• 29:20
  Samantha Pruitt: Just like yeah it's called a year to live yeah and I've been wanting to take it for a couple years um it's through Spirit Rock Meditation Center in California and it's facilitated by some Buddhist practitioners and meditation teachers.
• 29:35
  Polly Mertens: But there's a book there's a workbook and it's really I'm going to spend an entire year reviewing my life boom and I'm I'm on that road with you I may not be in that class but I'm I want to hear all freaking and we're gonna hear about it.
• 29:49
  Samantha Pruitt: Like you're gonna be sharing about that oh yeah I'm totally going to share it.
• 29:52
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah so that's why there's yeah there's 400 people I we we have our we're having our breakout groups and our more intimate circles so I will have a local circle in the Coachella Valley where I live and that might be half a dozen or up to 10 people or something like that.
• 30:06
  Samantha Pruitt: But then there's the wider circle.
• 30:08
  Samantha Pruitt: So it's like rings within the circle but we're all here on this shared experience to do this work.
• 30:15
  Samantha Pruitt: And yeah it's gonna be intense I'm very fired up about I'm so excited.
• 30:20
  Polly Mertens: So that's how it can get created is like a communal desire to grow or learn something in an area right like um so giving it some context I would say and then it's about like you just once you create that I would say place in your heart or in your mind of like oh I want a circle like you'll just start talking about it.
• 30:40
  Samantha Pruitt: You know like an you know you can start with like okay if this circle looked like this who are some people I know that might be interested in that you can probably take an inventory of people that you already know and readily probably find three or four and then ask them or you know or you you know just in even you'd be amazed once it's like on your it's in your space like I'm gonna have a a circle for something you'll just mention it to the cashier or you know it'll be amazed like somebody will walk up to you and and they'll just be like oh hey I heard about this you know yeah you'll attract it you know it's like when you first see that baby blue bronco going up and down the street and you're like wow that's cute I kind of like that and the next thing you know every 10 minutes you're seeing broncos all of a sudden right like it'll be on there you'll be like everybody's in a circle no I have to have one I gotta have that totally I want that VW electric bus but anyway when I win the lottery I'm getting that that is freaking cool okay side note super cool totally can I mention a couple things that are like the pillars of keeping a circle healthy yeah that people need to consider confidentiality period like first and foremost psychological safety and emotional safety for the humans in the circle and like I'm gonna be in a group with 400 people nothing will be recorded everything is completely confidential and we will spend hours and hours in these groups and then in these secondary and third circle groups like I was expressing and 100% of it is confidential.
• 32:10
  Polly Mertens: That's awesome.
• 32:11
  Samantha Pruitt: No fixing we're here to witness and hold space and share compassion but not to fix anybody right that's their job to explore for themselves and then talking making sure all of the voices are heard equally yeah I mean everybody's been in these groups where somebody is just like every week bringing and you're like yo hello and you share the space share the space dude you can have some oxygen here yeah uh uh well I think the uh thing I want to say on the witnessing the yeah giving people space so there's a couple ways to do that um and our women's group um we learned this from uh somebody was in the young president's organization and they have a rule it's like you can only you can't give advice you can only share from experience like well that reminds me of a time when and then let me go over here and explain that to you like this is what it looks like.
• 33:11
  Polly Mertens: So that person can look into your life and see something for themselves like you said because they don't need fixing.
• 33:16
  Polly Mertens: Now there are times when you don't have the exact example like I don't have the example to say this person but I've got an idea right so you can couch it with I have an idea for you right totally but I think put I don't know about you but when people try and quote give me advice if I'm not ready for it or willing for it I'm like shut down like hold up like that's the first thing the brain does it's like I got this thank you very much right so you know it's more like I have an idea I just want to tell you about it right not like here I've got this thing for you this is the answer for you because that's that's never gonna work never and I do a lot just offering of let me know if you need some support.
• 33:58
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah you know and and let me know what you need.
• 34:02
  Samantha Pruitt: If you need anything I'm here so I will offer things like that and I'll either get a response or I'll I'll I won't get which I don't take any of this personally at all.
• 34:11
  Samantha Pruitt: I just want that person to know that if they do need some support around whatever the thing is I will make myself available for that that's my style because I'm comfortable with that but not everybody needs to do that.
• 34:26
  Polly Mertens: It's not your obligation to even offer that I find that um until there's a certain level of rapport and that background of relatedness um people aren't especially women we're not used to asking for support and help.
• 34:43
  Polly Mertens: So totally as coaches you and I see this a lot you know like we were in the role and job of you know coaching and supporting people in those groups if you have people who are working on the same thing for week after week after month after month whatever um I think an intervention is in order you know and so it's helping them open up to like encouraging them off not just like yeah I'm here if you need it because you know there could be something in their background that's like I I gotta do this on my own you know like I'm on my own or whatever the story is so I think there is a time and a place for helping that person open up more as the rapport is built.
• 35:23
  Samantha Pruitt: So yeah yeah so I have some kind of like actionable steps I want to throw into the mix too.
• 35:29
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah do it okay got some ideas for you people we got some ideas.
• 35:33
  Samantha Pruitt: This is basically like homework y'all let's get into action get some homework going okay let's get in action yep uh audit your social interactions so look at your calendar how many meetings or gatherings or get togethers or whatever do you have that feel performative where you're not genuinely authentically being yourself.
• 35:52
  Samantha Pruitt: You feel like you're kind of wearing a mask and have to be a certain way versus ones that are restorative.
• 35:57
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 35:58
  Samantha Pruitt: Because circles should be restorative.
• 36:00
  Samantha Pruitt: They shouldn't be oh I'm showing up to the gym or I'm showing up to the work thing or whatever and I'm like I got to be the crusher in the room.
• 36:06
  Samantha Pruitt: Wait till I tell everybody how good I am and show them all these things.
• 36:09
  Polly Mertens: That's not what a circle is yeah this is where you really take that mask off you know like all those ways of being that you think you need to be out in the world this is the place where it all comes yep I don't can be messy.
• 36:22
  Polly Mertens: I can be just who I am I can tell you who I'm pretending to be out in the world and I can like own it be like man you know and don't be intimidated.
• 36:32
  Samantha Pruitt: You can take that mask out off over time.
• 36:34
  Polly Mertens: Yes yes as that relatedness grows.
• 36:37
  Samantha Pruitt: The call of three we mentioned already this week identify three women or three humans that you trust invite them over or for a hike or whatever.
• 36:44
  Samantha Pruitt: This is not a party it is a conversation okay no distractions no phones yeah just be in the circle um this last year I feel really and it's probably because there's been so much intensity to it I have more and more and more detached from that damn phone.
• 37:00
  Samantha Pruitt: And I just leave it in a different room or turned off or whatever.
• 37:04
  Samantha Pruitt: And I'm having more richness than I've had in a long time with my relations.
• 37:12
  Samantha Pruitt: Yes it's so good.
• 37:14
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm not distracted so really I want to just double click on that.
• 37:18
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay.
• 37:19
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah yeah practice vulnerability so the circle will only go as deep as the leader does so if you're starting this is why you're such a good leader right lead by example lead by example and share the thing that you're negotiating with yourself or share some sort of thing that you're experiencing so other people feel oh this is safe here I can also be truthful honest share my thing whatever it is right yeah and then of course I already mentioned the digital free zone that's a given yes yeah I used to have this um list of like uh what if I I forget where I first got it this was goes way back when I used to teach um it was called the Rodel Way and then I modified it and it's basically like a set of agreements you know like how we'll treat each other how we'll listen for each other how we'll speak with each other.
• 38:11
  Samantha Pruitt: Um you know one of them is like we further what each other is up to right we don't gossip there's no blaming complaining justifying there's all sorts of little you know minute details but I think the context that you set in the beginning like it's amazing I have found how fast people around me anyway have gone quickly deeply because I it it just takes a little bit of setting a container this is a confidential space here's some agreements I'm like not even kidding in the first boom people were like I got some I got some I I need some help with this you know like like I'm pretending this in my relationship I'm I'm I'm I'm not succeeding in this and you know like people will just really go quickly I find and not to like scare people like oh I don't want to know people's whatever but like it just gives you permission to be it gives you such permission to be like wow when when somebody else does you're like oh thank god this is who these people are you know like I don't have to have that mask on exactly exactly and if you're afraid like you just mentioned of that deepness or that vulnerability from another from yourself that's normal at first because we haven't been living that way and society doesn't live that way so it's gonna feel weird it's gonna feel awkward it's gonna feel challenging at first to kind of navigate how that feels in your body and in your brain and that's fine it's gonna over time slowly get more and more comfortable and you can go for weeks or months or hours with people and just slowly drop into it.
• 39:51
  Samantha Pruitt: It's not something you have to you know immediately take the mask off like we said take your time.
• 39:57
  Polly Mertens: And it's amazing how, you know, it's a little bit like I was just thinking one other thing I wanted to add about you know some people who don't exercise regularly or don't get movement regularly look at exercise as like a drain, a chore, you know, like a waste of time.
• 40:12
  Polly Mertens: Whatever you want however it just doesn't feel like it doesn't feel like a plus right it feels like a minus.
• 40:18
  Polly Mertens: Right.
• 40:18
  Polly Mertens: I just want to And I think about you could look at this, oh, another thing to do.
• 40:23
  Polly Mertens: Like, oh, I've got to have a circle or whatever.
• 40:26
  Polly Mertens: And I'm like, I look at it as such a plus that, you know, it's like an investment, like you make little deposits in it.
• 40:33
  Polly Mertens: And like that marathon, you know, it's like going to the gym over time gives you immunity, gives you strength, you know, like all these pluses that you go and invest, you know, you go to this place, wherever, a hill or whatever to do that thing, and you get a little bit back.
• 40:50
  Polly Mertens: You get, and it's like over time, though, it's like a compounding effect.
• 40:52
  Polly Mertens: Like you talked about these women that you now in the gym with, like the strength, the Herculean support you feel, right?
• 41:02
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 41:03
  Polly Mertens: Totally, totally.
• 41:05
  Samantha Pruitt: So it's an adventure, this life of ours, you know, and it's not meant to be lived alone.
• 41:11
  Samantha Pruitt: Never has been, never will be.
• 41:13
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, yeah.
• 41:14
  Polly Mertens: And if you have it that way, that's just your brain isolating you, and and like this loneliness epidemic, we are out to just bring people back to what matters most.
• 41:23
  Polly Mertens: That is the mission, is like what matters most is not what's on that phone.
• 41:27
  Polly Mertens: It's not helping you, it's not serving you.
• 41:30
  Polly Mertens: It's causing more isolation.
• 41:32
  Polly Mertens: So pick up that damn phone and use it as a phone, that one hour or 15 minutes that you would like tick away on little swiping.
• 41:39
  Polly Mertens: Dial.
• 41:40
  Polly Mertens: Dial a friend, dial, you know, get in a group, create something, like have a conversation instead of a swipe moment, you know, swipe session, right?
• 41:49
  Samantha Pruitt: Have some coffee for goodness sake.
• 41:51
  Samantha Pruitt: Didn't you know the whole world revolves around coffee?
• 41:53
  Samantha Pruitt: Totally.
• 41:55
  Samantha Pruitt: Uh gym trails coffee.
• 41:58
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, come on.
• 41:59
  Samantha Pruitt: One more go.
• 42:00
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, I'd say you throw in an RV and I'm good.
• 42:03
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay.
• 42:04
  Polly Mertens: Little adventure.
• 42:05
  Polly Mertens: So what's our one thing?
• 42:07
  Polly Mertens: What's the one thing that we want to leave people with today?
• 42:11
  Samantha Pruitt: Oh, how your life feels, people.
• 42:14
  Samantha Pruitt: How you and your life feel are more important than how anything looks.
• 42:19
  Polly Mertens: And every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.