Latest / Questionable Detour / Starting a family drug problem, a sexy grandma saving the day, and helping people become rich.

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Starting a family drug problem, a sexy grandma saving the day, and helping people become rich. · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're gonna make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
Yeah, I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:25
Do y'all get a lot of phone calls? Are y'all popular like that?
0:27
I'd like to think so.
0:29
Yeah. Do you consider phone calls from my barber a lot of phone calls?
0:32
From your barber?
0:33
Yeah.
0:33
He's calling you, calling you a lot?
0:36
He keeps calling.
0:37
Is that because you're texting him, emergency, emergency?
0:40
Yeah, 911 call me now.
0:42
I notice the hair out of place, I text the man.
0:45
You just send him pictures of hair just kind of on the floor with 911, I need help?
0:50
Yeah, I say is this mine?
0:53
Because if anybody would know it'd be your barber.
0:55
No, okay, well you get called for, you get a lot of calls from your barber.
0:58
Normal.
0:59
I'm sure since you get a lot of calls and you're so busy you let him go to voicemail, right?
1:03
Pretty much.
1:03
Yeah, like you're sending it straight to voicemail a lot.
1:05
Yeah.
1:06
Let's give the Saturday workers renditions of maybe what your voicemail message is.
1:11
When somebody calls you, you send them straight to voicemail.
1:20
Hey, this is Alan. I can't come to the phone right now and that's probably because I am currently
1:25
stuck in a submit mixer. If you know me, you know how much I love going down slides and
1:33
landing in mud. So submit mixer, it was kind of the same thing.
1:39
So send help and I'll call you back.
1:48
Hey, this is Zach. You've reached my cell phone. If I'm not picking up,
1:52
it's probably because I've joined a cult. So just wearing robes right now and sacrificing
2:00
little animals to the god Zorloc. So if you need to get a hold of me, go ahead and
2:07
call me again or pray to the god Zorloc. I'm sure he gives messages. He can do all things.
2:12
Pray Zorloc.
2:13
Hey, everybody. This is Zorloc speaking. I can't come to the phone right now. I'm too
2:26
busy overseeing my followers as they build a monument in my image. So just give me a call
2:35
back. I'll have someone dig down the message. Thank you. Hey, this is Zach. You've reached
2:47
my phone. The follower of Zorloc. If you didn't know, I'm no longer a follower in that cult.
2:53
I realized that an omnipotent god wouldn't have an answering machine. So I guess call me. Hey,
3:08
this is Alan. I can't come to the phone right now. Zach has recently taken over the Zorloc cult
3:14
and he's their new leader now calling himself Zach Locke. If you're calling me, please call again.
3:23
Send help. We're being trapped here. We're held against our will in an underground bunker.
3:29
That's all the information I have right now. Hey, this is Zach. This is Zach Locke, leader of the
3:42
Zach Locke cult. I can't come to the phone right now because we're about to sacrifice a couple of
3:46
virgins named Alan and Evan. So, you know, call me back or, you know, just send up a prayer.
4:00
Hey, this is Evan. I can't come to the phone right now. I've been sitting as a mole by the FBI.
4:06
I'm kind of trying to infiltrate this Zach Locke thing that's going on.
4:13
Don't know why they're letting me kind of record a voicemail telling
4:16
people I'm going undercover, but here we are. Hopefully I get out of this thing and I don't
4:22
get sacrificed because I am a virgin. So I seem like a first pick.
4:27
Hey, this is Zach Locke. I have a new found respect for voicemails as I just found out we had a snitch.
4:35
So, oh man. So, you know, call me back.
4:45
Hey, this is Alan, a high priest of the Zach Locke cult on Evan's phone.
4:51
Turns out we found out that he was a mole. He's being sacrificed right now. Do not try to contact him again.
5:08
Hey, this is Zach Locke on Evan's phone setting up his voicemail. There's a lot of weird
5:14
people trying to call Evan. Y'all keep trying to call him. Is it my barber?
5:24
Tell him I found the hair. How did his gag get out of his mouth? I thought we gagged him.
5:30
Did we not gag him? Anyway.
5:37
Hey, this is Zach Locke on Evan's phone setting up his voicemail. There's a lot of weird
5:42
people trying to call Evan. Do not try to call Evan. Hey, this is Evan on my phone. They gave me one last call.
5:50
And I used it to record a voicemail. I wanted to get this out to the people. Zach Locke clan? Not that bad.
5:58
Two out of five stars.
6:02
Hey, this is Zach. I have disbanded the Zach Locke group ever since Evan joined. It made me realize there is no God.
6:18
And we are just a bunch of specks floating through the void. So, you know. Call me back, I guess.
6:28
Yeah, I guess, you know, if you were to call us, that gives you an idea of what you would hear when we send you the voicemail.
6:36
Because we're important people. We're obviously going to send you the voicemail. We don't have time to take all your calls.
6:42
Yeah, I'm waiting on a call from somebody important. I'm looking over there at the QD switchboard.
6:46
I don't know if you guys can see it over there. Can you guys see it? Yeah, I mean, it's the big bright box.
6:50
Yeah, it is just it is lit up with calls. We're getting calls coming in right now. I forgot we installed like a whole call system.
6:57
Like a radio show that we have never used. There is there is a woman on the other side who's got to be 83 years old.
7:04
And she is just plugging in different wires. Oh, it's like an old school switchboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
7:09
I see it now that she's taken all of our calls right now. You had her under a sheet like an old car.
7:16
Honestly, she freaks me out. She's a bit distracting. She is a lot of movement over a lot of ugly.
7:23
She's terrible. She's on the verge of death. I wouldn't bring it up. But yeah, well, I mean, she does a lot of work.
7:30
Her fingers are literally work to the bone. Yeah. With all the switching she does for no purpose.
7:36
Like we're not even using her. Yeah. She's just switching calls back and forth for no reason.
7:41
Like they're not even going anywhere. She's just putting them on hold. QD, can you hold QD? Can you hold?
7:48
I send people to voice because I'm waiting on important calls like from John Wayne. Yeah. From beyond the grave.
7:54
Yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, I'm expecting one any day now from Angela Merkel. Yeah, yeah.
8:00
Sure. Sure you are. Yeah. Yeah. Just I'm expecting a call from Frederick Douglass.
8:05
I'm really interested in hearing about how the first black person in history existed.
8:12
He was the first black person. You think Frederick Douglass was the first black person?
8:18
Yeah, he invented black people. I don't think we should. Let's just let him think that.
8:23
I figure, you know, why correct him at this point? That's just good history.
8:28
You're not teaching an old dog new tricks, you know. We're not the first people to say look at Alan and say, let's not go down that hole.
8:34
Yeah. But welcome to questionable detour. Let's let's do a hypothetical.
8:41
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
8:46
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question. Well, that's a hypothetical question.
8:52
I think as far as competition goes, questable detour has its biggest competitor in Dave Ramsey. Yeah. Very similar podcast.
9:01
I think if you drew a Venn diagram of listeners, ours and Dave Ramsey's circles would overlap.
9:07
He gives financial advice. We give legal advice. We give counsel, if you will.
9:11
And I think maybe we should go to break into the realm of financial advice because as three people with just a crazy amount of just extra income and debt.
9:28
I just want to ask y'all like what what do you all do to save money? What's y'all's money strategy in a time where inflation is so high in a time where people are just trying to make ends meet?
9:41
How are y'all getting by as far as money goes? What are you saving? What's your strategy?
9:49
Just, you know, I think people would be very interested into hearing us give some money advice.
9:56
Zach, I'm so glad you asked this question. It's been on the top of my mind for for weeks now.
10:03
And if I could give just any any one piece of advice to listeners out there, just some good advice would be invest in dirt.
10:11
Yeah, definitely. Just dirt. Just dirt. Just like the stuff that's on the ground outside.
10:17
That's mostly. Yeah. Yeah. And people have been saying this for years and maybe they mean property management, real estate.
10:24
I mean, loose dirt. OK. Gravel, maybe just stonework in general.
10:32
You mean you mean the stuff that you could go outside right now and collect? Yeah. For free.
10:39
It's abundant, which means it's it'll always be there. Invest in it.
10:45
I mean, yeah, the stock can't get any lower in value because I mean, it's it's always there.
10:50
It's a steady stock supply and demand. The supply is there.
10:54
So people will demand it is how I that's how that goes. Yeah.
10:59
Let me ask you a question. If you recently came into some unexpected medical bills, how how easily would you be able to liquidate that dirt?
11:10
That's a good question. I mean, it depends on how the hospital views the value of the dirt.
11:15
Sure. Sure. Yeah. It's like art. Yeah. You value it however you value it.
11:20
The beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the value in the dirt.
11:24
The hospitals really got to know know their stuff. You know, they got to know.
11:28
And they're in like what it's basically. Yeah. I say this dirt.
11:31
This comes from just the top layer of my yard.
11:36
There's a little red clay mixed in, but that's that's the beauty of Tennessee dirt.
11:41
You know, while you're giving this in service to this hospital, is the dirt just kind of laid out on the front desk?
11:46
Well, I'm just like you just had the dirt within your shirt.
11:51
You're just kind of carrying it. I will bear with it. OK.
11:54
I'm a man of. Yeah, I have means a man with that much dirt has definitely got a will.
11:58
But he's got to have a wheelbarrow. How else is he going to get his dirt around?
12:01
And you just kind of dump it on the front desk and be like, this is how I'm paying.
12:05
Here's three thousand dollars worth of just loose topsoil.
12:08
Yeah. And they say, what are we supposed to do with this?
12:11
And I walk them through all the things you can do with dirt. I think that's good.
12:14
I think Evan goes to the Federal Reserve, like maybe on a tour.
12:19
They're showing them and they walk into the giant vault with the gold that backs the American currency.
12:25
Everybody's like, you know, ooh and on. That's amazing to see.
12:29
But Evan just like, where is the sediment?
12:34
Well, it's too shiny. It's too shiny in here. How low me is that gold?
12:41
It's not loose enough. Where's your on staff geologist?
12:47
Yeah, it goes right back to it all revolves around the dirt.
12:50
It all comes back to dirt. We're born out of dirt.
12:53
We'll die back in the dirt and you'll pay for your funeral in dirt.
12:57
Yeah. Yeah. OK. OK. That's I think that's good.
13:00
I think you literally have not progressed as a human outside of dirt.
13:06
What more is there? Thank you.
13:10
It explains why you look like Pigpen from Charlie Brown right now.
13:16
All right, Alan, one advice for people that need money advice.
13:21
I think life is too short to be constantly worrying about how you're going to earn money.
13:26
Are you going to have enough money? So just go rob convenience stores.
13:32
Absolutely. Crime. That's one of the points I was going to hit.
13:35
There is a convenience store like a gas station on every corner.
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Supply and demand, right? Supply and demand.
13:43
Like you hold up a gun and demand for their supply and and then the money is yours.
13:50
Yeah. Like long as you have a gun, you have money.
13:53
Essentially. Yeah. Yeah. And that's our our country was built on guns, you know,
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and just taking things from people and just taking things from people,
14:02
taking dirt from people, looking at you, Cherokee Nation.
14:07
Yeah. So you're saying that just commit crime, just commit that.
14:11
That's not something I think that's something Dave Ramsey be afraid to say.
14:14
I think he's a little bit too PC on how to earn your money.
14:19
He wants you to be poor for a really long time before you can have money.
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I think there's a there's a couple of steps in between that.
14:26
You don't have to be poor for a long time. You need enough money to buy a gun.
14:31
You really don't. If you are confident, let me tell you something.
14:36
Listeners, if you're confident enough with a gun, it doesn't matter what you've got in the chamber.
14:41
You just need your wit in the chamber. Your wit, your confidence in that chamber.
14:44
You need your wit. I mean, they say that all the time about people.
14:47
As long as you act like you know what you're doing, people won't back it.
14:51
That's right. So robbing convenience stores is a great I think is a great way to make money.
14:56
It's a great source of income. Minimal effort involved.
14:59
Yeah. Really not a lot of planning involved. Short time. Short time frame.
15:03
Short. Yeah. Short time frame. Relatively low risk, high reward there.
15:08
You're clocking in at a day to day job, eight hours a day. Yeah.
15:12
It takes, I don't know, 20 minutes tops and that's like drive time included to rob a convenience store.
15:18
Right. Yeah. And I mean, you're at a like a gas station. Just go fill up in the gas.
15:21
Yeah. Just head to the next convenience store.
15:25
Kill two birds with one stone. Get some gas. Get some money.
15:28
Did you shoot the birds on the way out? You did. Yeah. You did.
15:33
You popped them in front of the convenience store clerk just to show them you're serious.
15:36
You're not going to use that money to buy dinner. You're eating those two birds for dinner.
15:40
Because we're all about saving money. We're all saving money. That's right.
15:43
I mean, our ancestors did it, you know. They ate bird.
15:48
I think that's good. Any other maybe sources of crime income that you would recommend
15:52
other than just the casual convenience store robbery?
15:56
I think if you've kind of aged out of the convenience store robbery, because let's face it, it's a young man's game.
16:01
It's a young man's game. That's right.
16:03
I think the next step is probably good old fashioned racketeering.
16:06
If you could just turn your home into a gambling den.
16:10
Oh, that's racketeering. I thought you meant you go around and rob people with a tennis racket.
16:14
That seems like that's going in the opposite direction. You were good with the gun.
16:18
I don't know that the tennis racket works as well.
16:20
But racketeering is great. A gambling den.
16:22
Yeah. Turn your home into a gambling den. It's an easy way to make money.
16:26
And there's nothing like decreasing your debt by increasing somebody else's debt.
16:31
You know, it's kind of the yin yang in our life.
16:34
Actually, the yin yang in my life are two Asian gentlemen who work as bouncers for my racketeering operation.
16:41
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
16:43
They wear a black and white suit, respectively.
16:47
My advice is to not trust banks.
16:51
Number one, don't put your money in banks.
16:54
I think if you can't see and hold money, is it actually there?
16:58
That is true.
16:59
You know, you don't see your money. Does it actually exist?
17:01
I think you should keep all your money. And, you know, a lot of people joke, oh, you're keeping your cash.
17:06
You put it under your mattress. Yes, you do.
17:09
But you need to diversify your portfolio as a financial, your own financial manager.
17:15
You need to not only keep that cash within your mattress,
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but in the mattresses of your neighbors around your neighborhood.
17:23
You need to break into their house, cut open their mattress like they're giving it a C-section.
17:28
Yeah. And just jam cash into it.
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And as you need it, you'll you'll you're basically like a squirrel that's buried nuts.
17:36
You'll remember where you have buried this cash around your town.
17:41
And you'll feel like, oh, I need to go eat Burger King.
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And you'll be like, stop here. You don't drive.
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Because, I mean, if you're doing this, you know, you've lost your driver's license.
17:51
And you'll be like, I stop here. I need to grab some cash.
17:54
And you'll just hop through somebody's window and get your cash.
17:57
I mean, I'm not I'm not going down your route where I'm saying, you know, steal money. Sure. Sure.
18:01
Just get the cash that you have basically buried within other people's houses.
18:05
But also kind of like a squirrel you forget where you're like, I know I buried around here somewhere.
18:10
It happens. It happens. It's good.
18:12
It's good to take notes, to take detailed descriptions of the places you left it as as a person is growing in his financial management, such as myself.
18:21
There's been multiple times where I've broken into a house, cut open a mattress and there'd be no money in there.
18:26
Which you would think noticing that it's not already cut open.
18:29
Yeah. You probably don't have money. Sure.
18:32
Yeah. But when you want a whopper from Burger King, you're just drunk with that desire.
18:37
You're not noticing anything. You don't only have to hide it in mattresses.
18:40
Again, diversify your portfolio.
18:42
You'll hear Dave Ramsey say this as well.
18:45
You know, hide it in people's attics in the shoe boxes at the top of their closets, you know, in the in the coat pocket.
18:53
They have hanging in the closet throughout people's houses.
18:56
So if you need money, you're just kind of rummaging around people's houses because you forgot where you left the cash.
19:01
Yeah, I was listening to Dave Ramsey the other day talking about diversifying your portfolio.
19:05
And he mentioned, you know, if you ever find an old well, like just like an elderly sea mammal.
19:12
Well, I'm sure it could work the same way.
19:14
This is, you know, an old well, like a hole in the ground.
19:18
Just crawl down in that thing, just really, really get to the bottom and just bury your money there.
19:24
People and what he said, and he says he's been saying this for years, but people don't use those wells anymore.
19:32
No, they don't. They have running water inside their house.
19:35
So nobody's going to be chucking them.
19:36
I mean, I don't necessarily know that I agree with that, Dave, but that is something that he definitely said.
19:41
I listen to Dave Ramsey, listen to us. I think you're going to synonymous.
19:45
Yeah, we're going to say a lot of the same things.
19:47
Yeah, I think you're going to hear a lot of repetition.
19:50
So let's just say that let me let me lay down a situation for you all.
19:54
So you're going to a bank of which I already said, don't trust.
19:57
So thanks for taking my advice.
19:59
You're in a bank withdrawing a number that has many zeros behind it.
20:05
Oodles of money. That's what you tell them.
20:07
That's what you tell the bank.
20:08
They say, how much do you want? I said, it's not a thing.
20:11
Will that be one or two?
20:15
Well, let's just say you're pulling oodles of money out of the bank and somebody comes in and robs the bank.
20:20
You as the innocent bystander, how do you all handle that?
20:23
Being the hero? Are you just trying to survive?
20:26
Are you tossing people in front of you to maybe stop bullets?
20:30
What's what's y'all's what's y'all's plan in that situation?
20:33
If you're in a bank and armed men decide to come in, I don't mean they just have arms.
20:38
They have they have weapons.
20:41
They have weapons and they have all their limbs.
20:43
Things are things are good for them.
20:45
But if they come in guns blazing and they say they're firing already.
20:50
Well, you know, these we don't know these people.
20:53
They've got arms and and guns.
20:55
We don't know what kind of kind of thing a person like that would do.
20:59
If they're trying to rob this bank, I think your best bet is to make yourself unseen.
21:06
It's good to get out of the way.
21:08
If they see you, they can either kill you, which is probably what they'll do.
21:12
Seem like they might be the murdering type or they can rob you, which neither of those things are great.
21:17
But I think the best way to go about it is to just get on your hands and knees and pretend you're a table.
21:22
OK, so you're saying become different objects within the bank or just specifically tables.
21:30
You're a one trick pony or table.
21:32
The table is just the easiest one to do.
21:34
A chair is kind of difficult, but depending on skill level.
21:38
Yeah. I mean, if you've been practicing, you know, it's almost like a martial art.
21:41
Yeah, exactly. We hope you've been practicing.
21:44
We hope that this hypothetical will get you to start practicing.
21:47
Yeah. Tables, the easiest one.
21:49
Chair is obviously a level up.
21:51
But yeah, your best bet is just to kind of camouflage yourself into the background of that bank.
21:56
And by camouflage, is it are you painting yourself?
22:00
Are you doing anything to look more like a table or is it just kind of like almost a supernatural spiritual thing
22:05
that you've become so much a table within yourself that you look like a table to the outside world?
22:10
Yeah, a little little of both.
22:12
Like your soul becomes a table, if that makes sense.
22:15
You don't necessarily look any more physically like a table.
22:19
If somebody looked at you hard enough, they would see crouched over individual hands and knees.
22:25
Sure. Yeah. But in your essence, you are you are a table.
22:30
You've been built from a cut down tree.
22:33
You've been you have a whole back story. Oh, you have been milled.
22:36
You've been you've somebody to count on your rings.
22:40
Somebody is somebody is taking your legs and put them on the lathe, you know, and just really created you.
22:47
Now, you said this is almost like a martial art that needs to be learned.
22:51
Right now, you're dressed in the karate attire, like the robe, and you have a black belt around you.
22:56
Do you teach classes to people that might want to learn this ancient martial art?
23:01
It is. It is very, very ancient.
23:03
And yes, I do teach classes. Now, what I don't want to get confused is everybody knows that in Japan, they don't use furniture.
23:10
They sit on those cushions. So this is not something that came from Japan.
23:14
No, this kind of martial art originated from Akron, Ohio.
23:20
And and you just kind of traveled through there one time and you met this what you call sensei.
23:26
Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah.
23:28
And emphasis on sin, because you met him at a strip club and he was doing all kind of various.
23:33
Akron is a sin city. I don't know. I don't know if anybody's ever been there.
23:38
It is it is the Gotham of Ohio.
23:42
And you met this old what you thought wise man where he was like, I'm going to teach you a martial art where you become an animal object.
23:49
You go, since a what? Yeah, that's where that name came from.
23:53
That's that's exactly what I said. And I did it in that voice to Chris Tucker from Rush Hour.
24:00
Yeah, yeah. Did my did my best. Chris Tucker.
24:05
So really, this guy, he had done so much cocaine prior to me meeting him.
24:10
He he was just falling over and he accidentally fell in the position of a table and like a gong hit when he did it.
24:17
Uh huh. Yeah, yeah. And so I immediately was just transfixed.
24:23
Yeah. In what he was doing. And I thought, OK, you something to it.
24:27
There's there's something here. Yeah. And I said to myself in that moment, I should pack up my whole life
24:34
and I should come here to learn from this maybe crack head.
24:40
You you did like a whole monk pilgrimage like you climbed the highest hill in Akron.
24:46
Which is just the dump. I was to meet this guy carrying those buckets of water with a pole, you know,
24:53
like just carrying it up a hill. But, you know, it's an Akron.
24:57
I mean, there's not not many places to a flat surface, not many hills.
25:02
You get to the top of one of the hill is he's like now become the bucket.
25:07
You have to just strike a pose. It's tough because the water that I'm carrying up is for his bath.
25:13
Oh, yeah. He doesn't have any running water. Yeah.
25:19
Not much going for him. But to be fair, the, you know, monks in Asia that no other martial arts
25:25
probably don't have a lot of running water either.
25:27
You know, they're more about cleansing the soul rather than their physical form.
25:30
I assume this guy is the same. He really he cares a lot about his soul.
25:35
But in saying that he cares about his soul, I don't really mean his actual soul.
25:39
I mean his soul patch that of course, of course, he has a soul.
25:44
That is his prized possession. Yeah. He neatly trims that thing daily.
25:49
Does he make you touch it for like out of respect?
25:51
You know how like kings of old use to make people kiss their ring?
25:55
Yeah, thankfully, he doesn't make me kiss. He doesn't make you kiss the soap.
25:57
OK, that was going to go. That's where I was going with that.
26:00
What he what he does do is he makes you take your pinky finger
26:05
and just just rub the soap.
26:12
Every time like you enter his presence, yeah, you have to kind of you have to pay respects or pay homage to the to his soul.
26:21
Yeah, yeah, you do. He bow. Is there a lot of bowing involved?
26:24
You you do have to bow and you also have to have to bring tribute, which I'm not a huge fan of.
26:31
Or what do you have to sacrifice? I feel like just a just a quesadilla from Taco Bell probably do it do about right for him.
26:38
You have to not just a quesadilla.
26:41
You have to spend about thirty dollars worth at Taco Bell and he knows what thirty dollars at Taco Bell looks like.
26:49
Speaking of that. So what was your training like under this this monk sensei in Akron, Ohio?
26:57
Some of the training involved into involved us going to the local furniture stores in Akron.
27:04
Yeah. And pretending to be tables. Yeah.
27:08
I assume the standard was if a family tries to purchase you, you've arrived.
27:13
Yeah. Yeah. If you can trick someone, it's easy to trick a family.
27:17
But if you can trick the manager of that furniture store, you have you've really you've really made it.
27:23
He's like, look at the inventory list and he's like, where did we get this extra table?
27:27
Mm hmm. Yeah. Sensei kind of stands up and just bows to you. Yeah.
27:31
And they're like, what the heck? You get up. Yeah. And he's freaking out.
27:36
I'm like, you're a table. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a man crouched.
27:41
How did I miss this? Now, this is folklore at this point.
27:46
Is it true that you lived within somebody's family of four's house as their dining room table for about five years?
27:54
Yes. And I'm not going to lie, that was that was the toughest three years of my life.
28:01
Two of those years were really nice. Oh, OK. The first and the last.
28:05
Yeah. Yeah. The first year was easy. The first year is always going to be easy.
28:10
It's that it's that honeymoon phase. Yeah. The next three years. Hell.
28:16
Is it because the the the wife and husband of that family were getting going through a divorce
28:21
and they were debating on who was going to get the table? Yeah. Yeah.
28:25
They were like, I don't care who takes our five kids.
28:31
All I care about is that table that ornate dining room table that has that human flesh color that.
28:39
That sounds like it's breathing.
28:43
It's hairier than most woods.
28:46
And their divorce lasted a long time. Yeah.
28:50
You know, a three year long divorce. Yeah. They were trying to get their kids through school, I think.
28:54
Yeah. Do it for the kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
28:57
But you get you know, you could tell they weren't happy, though.
29:00
Yeah. And all those nights around the dining room table eating dinner. Yeah.
29:04
And you just you could feel the tension as they felt you.
29:08
Just breathing behind them.
29:10
Sometimes if they were if one of them was sitting alone on the couch, I would kind of shake myself over towards the couch
29:16
and just put a hand on their shoulder.
29:19
That's what I wanted to keep you just just comforting.
29:23
The house is haunted.
29:25
They need to get this table studied.
29:30
Was the couch another one of sensei's pupils that he have that he have the other people maybe being recounted in there?
29:37
Well, it was a sectional. So that was like three students.
29:41
That's a pretty that's a pretty tall ask to be a sectional because, you know, you've got a you've got to team up with two other people.
29:50
I mean, a lot of a lot of teamwork involved. I mean, we know this this podcast isn't a great example of teamwork.
29:55
Yeah, absolutely. I don't know that we could successfully be a sectional, though.
30:00
I don't know. I'd be afraid that we get found out like kind of like the one of the people in that sectional
30:06
that house and the father figure of that house shot him right in the head when they found out he was not part of the sectional.
30:13
Yeah. Right in front of the whole family, which I assume started the divorce.
30:18
That he just murdered him.
30:20
Actually, no, that that stopped the divorce from happening.
30:24
That was that was new. That was New Year's Eve of year five.
30:30
That's why that last year was so good.
30:33
Is because because he put down a piece of the couch like old Yeller.
30:39
I see. I see the loss of one of our comrades as as bad.
30:50
But I view the family coming back together as something that's good.
30:55
I guess that's why your four was bad because that was in year four.
31:00
Sure, it was on the turning point of year four.
31:03
But then year five started and it's the family come back together.
31:06
And you know where they where they went when they came together with the dining room.
31:10
Yeah. All the meals. They did a lot of praying after that.
31:14
But they were like, why is the table shaking?
31:17
So nervous. He's so happy to be here.
31:20
Is the table crying right now?
31:23
And they even pick up the dead guy that was once the sectional because he was so such a master of disguise that once he shot him, they're like, where did he go?
31:33
All I see is a rug here now. Yeah.
31:35
There is just an extra rug here where I just shot this person because he just became the rug.
31:40
When you are committed to the craft, you don't even give up even in death.
31:46
So you had to sit there and look at this guy bleed out and then rot.
31:51
Yeah. So yeah, it's tough. And I don't think we've asked yet.
31:54
But what is the name of this craft? That is true.
31:57
Yeah. What is this martial art?
31:59
Just in case anybody wants to travel to Cleveland, Ohio to maybe research.
32:03
Akron, Ohio. Akron, Ohio.
32:05
Don't go to Cleveland looking for this guy.
32:07
He is a long go. Yeah.
32:11
Yeah. Not a not a big traveler.
32:13
Yeah. What's this martial art called? It's called crouching table hidden person.
32:20
That's very good. I think that's great.
32:22
It's great that you've mastered a martial art.
32:26
Now, the person that you're sitting on has not mastered it.
32:29
The chair or quote unquote chair. I can tell it's a person.
32:33
Oh, you can? Yeah. He's he hasn't quite mastered it yet.
32:36
But I mean, the amount of fondling he's doing to your buttocks is really. Yeah.
32:40
I think that's what kind of gave it away. He's really handsy.
32:44
And, you know, it's a peek behind the curtain and how the business is run.
32:48
We're we're going to ship him back to. Yeah.
32:50
He hasn't he hasn't trained enough yet.
32:53
He'd be glad he wasn't in the house that you were at, because right now I would have shot him if that were the case.
32:57
Yeah. And, you know, he probably would have if he was in that house, he would have probably grabbed the guy's butt after he shot the couch,
33:04
because it seems like that's all he knows how to do.
33:07
We all have our demons. All right, Evan. What what do you do?
33:12
You got it. Oh, yeah.
33:14
You're in a bank robbery. Alan just hides.
33:18
That was yeah, that was we got a back story on how you do that, though.
33:23
So I know us three. OK.
33:25
And if there's one thing that we are in a high intense situation, it's cool under pressure.
33:31
Definitely. So if I'm ever in a situation, I'm getting my oodles of money out
33:37
and somebody comes in, use Alan's term guns a blazing.
33:42
I kind of grew up with the other victims.
33:44
But I also take a call.
33:48
I take a call and I say, hey, grandma, what's up?
33:51
I start talking to grandma. Yeah.
33:53
Of course, the bank robbers come over. They think I'm calling the cops.
33:56
Sure. Being held hostage probably shouldn't be on my phone. Right.
33:59
Right. Yeah. Why? They should have searched you really bad.
34:01
Yeah. I say, well, hold up, guy.
34:04
This is my grandma. You don't know when she's going to die.
34:07
You should really reach out to your own grandmother. That's good.
34:10
Pull that card on him just to get him think.
34:13
You hit him with the old there's no moment like the present. Exactly.
34:16
You know, he thinks I'm lying. Yeah.
34:18
He says that can't be a grandmother.
34:19
Why are you talking to your grandmother right now? We're at the bank.
34:22
That's obviously police. You're in a holdup.
34:24
Why would you not call the police if you have one phone call?
34:26
I mean, sure. Good logic. Whatever.
34:29
So I hand him the phone. My grandmother starts talking to him.
34:33
He realizes it is my grandmother.
34:35
My grandma's talking to him now about this strawberry strudel cake that she baked
34:41
this past week from her fresh strawberries from her garden from her early spring.
34:46
But anyway, while he's distracted talking about that, kind of like we just were,
34:50
he's talking to grandma about that. I slip behind the counter. Oh, I'm the bank teller now.
34:55
Oh, wow. He you put yourself more in harm's way.
35:00
You went from an innocent bystander that would get left alone to the person that with a gun in his face.
35:06
Because I'm cool under pressure. Yeah, absolutely.
35:09
You just want to be under pressure. Yeah, just want more pressure.
35:12
And he goes off the phone respectfully. He says, I hope you have a great day.
35:16
Yeah. Hangs up. Turn around. I'm there. I say, what can I help you with today?
35:22
He says, we're literally in a holdup right now. Give me all the money. I say, OK, bucko.
35:27
And I go to walk back to the vault. I slip on a pin, someone dropping the floor in the rush.
35:33
You know, you know, people drop pins all the time, like a writing instrument. Yeah.
35:37
And you know how slippery those things are. It's like a banana peel in Mario Kart.
35:41
I slip. I hit my head on the panic button. I didn't mean to, but I did.
35:47
But was just upright on the floor randomly.
35:49
Well, no, it was on the side of the desk, but I slipped and precariously fell
35:54
first into the panic button. But the robber was like, oh, he didn't mean to do. Yeah, exactly.
35:59
He didn't do that on purpose, obviously. I said, did you see that pin there?
36:02
Because I didn't. So anyway, the police are on their way.
36:05
I thought you were going to go in the direction of, yeah, it's my grandmother.
36:10
Oh, yeah, she's also the cops. You have a police officer grandmother like old.
36:16
I'm talking like old, like almost like a Pixar grandmother kind of hunched over.
36:21
Cane, but just in a tight. And I mean like skin to painted arm.
36:27
Yeah. Police officer uniform. She retired two years ago.
36:31
She couldn't take it anymore. The force was just too much.
36:34
She'd been there for, I don't know, 40 years.
36:36
She still wears that Kevlar vest every day. Of course. But that's just out of fashion.
36:41
Yeah. Yeah. That's why you called her, because it was like one of these old action flicks
36:45
where there's this old action hero that's been retired and some government agent comes out.
36:50
And goes, Hey, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, the country needs you.
36:57
And, you know, of course, they're always hesitant to go like, I'm retired.
37:01
I don't need this. Yeah. Yeah. I assume that's what happened on the phone with grandma.
37:05
You're like grandma, please. I know I'm saying I'm cool under pressure, but we need you.
37:11
And she was like, I'm retired, Sonny. Yeah. I mean, it was kind of like that.
37:15
Really, she just wanted to talk about her cakes to anybody that'll listen.
37:19
She's just been she's been on a kick since she retired.
37:22
So now when you say she she's in a kick, is that because once you hit the panic button,
37:27
she was the one that kicked the door down guns, a blazing herself, just two M240 machine guns just rattling off?
37:35
Yeah. She I mean, she was fine.
37:37
The M240s, but they were kind of just going around. She can't handle them well in her old age.
37:42
So they're kind of guns firing. She might have not.
37:46
She might have hit a couple. Yeah. It is a bystander.
37:49
She's doing more harm than the actual robbers are.
37:52
Yeah. And I didn't want to bring this up, but that is why she was forcefully retired from the police force.
37:58
She she couldn't be stopped. So they had to stop her.
38:01
But they didn't because she says that this thing is more of a vigilante now.
38:06
She fired hundreds of rounds in there. Like it was just it was bullet holes everywhere.
38:11
And she doesn't have the old cop uniform. It's like a cop uniform from like a Halloween party store or just like the sexy cop.
38:19
Sexy cop. Yeah.
38:22
So she has the old chess swingers hanging out.
38:27
You know, and those two 40s are rocking.
38:30
It's a rough watch. Yeah.
38:32
For me personally. Yeah.
38:34
That's my grandmothers. Especially as you watch her murder multiple people.
38:37
Yeah. I didn't know that that skirt she was wearing was service issued or not.
38:41
It was not. It was not.
38:43
Nothing she's wearing service issued.
38:45
In fact, a couple of the people at the workshop were like, thank you for shooting me.
38:49
I didn't want to look at this anymore. Yeah.
38:51
It was really a mercy killing at that point.
38:55
But she did bring her strudel though, right?
38:57
Well, of course. Like I said, she that's what she's wrapped her life around now is baking.
39:03
And she wants to share that with anybody she could get.
39:07
So that's really why she showed up is to get this robber to taste her strudel after we talked to her.
39:13
That makes sense. I guess, you know, that's why she didn't really care about the lives of the innocent bystanders.
39:18
Yeah. She must really like the robber on the phone.
39:20
She must have respected her well for her just to show up.
39:23
Yeah, I'd like to think so. I mean, he had a good spirit about him.
39:27
Yeah. No, I just got it going to some tough times, you know.
39:31
Do you think that they'll form like a kind of a relationship, like a buddy cop kind of thing?
39:37
I thought you meant like he'd be his new grandfather.
39:39
Well, that could be that could be the case. They might. They might do that.
39:44
I say I hope not. Good guy. Sure. Not much of a role model.
39:48
Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. To be my grandfather and someone I look up to.
39:52
But sure. I mean, they could be buddies. They could exchange baking dishes.
39:57
Or you think it may be like when they inevitably ask your grandmother to come back on the force,
40:03
you're the only one that can handle this case.
40:06
And she's like, yeah, I'll do it, but I'm going to need some help.
40:09
And they have to like go to prison to get this guy out.
40:12
And they're like, he's got to help me with this. That would be cool. It's very classic.
40:15
Forty eight hours. Maybe she asked you to maybe enlist on her a team that she's got going on,
40:21
but you don't really have a skill other than just kind of tripping and falling
40:24
and just accidentally doing something right like you did with the panic alarm.
40:29
The only skill I have on my side is luck.
40:33
She's going through like the people she's got on her squad.
40:36
And then I've got my grandson, the teller.
40:39
It's just it's just Evan falling, tripping over nothing.
40:43
There's like a guy defusing a bomb and Evan tries to come and help strips,
40:48
knocks him out of the way, somehow accidentally cuts the right the right wire right in time.
40:54
And like we don't actually does it, but he just he somehow does it correctly.
40:57
Actually bites down on the right wire. Yeah, there you go.
41:00
Bites through it. It's a one second left.
41:04
Do you think your grandmother will ever remarry?
41:06
I know that's I know that that's kind of not really where we were going,
41:09
but I kind of wonder about what she's are you are you looking?
41:14
What's your intention with angle here?
41:16
It's kind of just seeing if there are any single old women around.
41:19
Putting his feelers out. You know, you saw that cop costume, didn't you?
41:26
Well, I mean, bring your grandmother around here at some point, you know, being on the podcast.
41:30
She's really busy these days. Yeah.
41:33
Just wreaking havoc and not with what other guns, just her attire.
41:39
She is cars are crashing because they're getting distracted.
41:43
Is this just a stumbling block walking around?
41:50
She's the cause of so many divorces.
41:53
But there you go. I think I think those are really two great methods on how you handle a bank robbery.
41:59
You know, Allen's was learned the martial art of becoming inanimate objects
42:04
through years of mastering to eventually just become a table.
42:09
100 percent or a couch or a fake tree. I don't know.
42:13
And Evans was call your hot headed, irresponsible grandmother that used to be a cop and just rely on her.
42:23
I think was how we would sum that up, right? Sure. Yeah. OK.
42:27
How can I help? What can I do? I want to do a nice thing for you.
42:32
I need help. All right.
42:34
So we have a couple of people that have written in that need some some advice.
42:39
So, Evan, what who's our first who's our first listener that's looking for some wisdom?
42:45
The first person here is Theo.
42:49
Theo comes to us with this question. What is love?
42:53
Baby, don't hurt me.
42:56
Theo says, I feel incapable of loving.
43:01
Hey, Jeffrey Dahmer.
43:04
What does love feel like?
43:06
I'm always asked if I love my girlfriend. But what does love feel like?
43:10
What does it look like? What does it sound like?
43:12
How am I supposed to recognize love if I don't know?
43:15
It's always confused me. And no matter the way I think of it, it never makes sense.
43:20
By what people have told me, it seems I've never been in love.
43:23
So, boys, what would you say to Theo here about what love really is?
43:28
Theo, you've written into the right people. We know what love is.
43:31
You don't know this because it's an audio medium.
43:33
We've been hugging this entire time.
43:35
Under this table in front of us, we're all interlocking toes.
43:41
Here's how I know that it's love. And here's how you will know that it's love.
43:46
Do you feel like you want to hide in the corner and just watch them sleep?
43:52
Do you feel like you want to drive a car, not right behind them, but a couple car lengths behind them?
44:00
Do you want to get a telescopic camera lens and take pictures of them as they go through their daily life?
44:08
Do you maybe want to collect their hair from the drain of their bathtub and build a replica?
44:15
Replica.
44:16
Replica.
44:17
Replica.
44:22
Do you want to build a replica?
44:27
Just find a different word.
44:30
Build and craft another them completely with their own hair.
44:36
That is what love is. If you're not willing to do that, you're not in love.
44:41
Are you saying you want them to do all those things or you want them to feel like they want to do all those things?
44:46
I think when you love somebody, you're first going to get the feeling that you need to follow them wherever they go.
44:52
And then you will eventually do it because it's the next progression of that feeling is the action part of it.
45:00
I would say when you love somebody, you're going to write cryptic letters with the alphabet cut out of magazines and crudely pasted to the letter so that your handwriting isn't noticed.
45:12
You will constantly send letters like that to them just being vague. Maybe call them and immediately hang up. Don't say anything.
45:20
You call, they pick up, you hang up immediately after. So that's what love is.
45:24
It's what they say in all the classic poems and children rhymes. If you love someone, be around them a ton.
45:31
Without them knowing.
45:32
Without them knowing. It's in parentheses.
45:34
I'm going to say love is a feeling that you get when you think about or complete an action. Love is, and I'll just rattle some off.
45:45
Sure. Yeah, absolutely.
45:46
Love is lighting up a cigarette in a bowling alley.
45:55
Okay. I'm following you. Yeah, yeah, we're here.
46:00
I think about love is like cracking open that first cold one on your way to work.
46:06
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
46:10
Love is going to Walgreens and knowing exactly what laxative will get the job done right.
46:20
Love is rummaging through your dirty clothes to find some underwear and sniffing it and it not being that bad.
46:27
Love is, it's taking that turn a little too tight.
46:32
You know, it's hitting the curb. It just maybe shattering, bending your rim.
46:37
Feeling your butthole fall out. That's what I'm talking about. Oh man, this is poetic.
46:43
Just there are so many different things that can instantly make you feel love.
46:47
Yeah, like like a construction worker whistling at you as you walk by him.
46:51
Yeah. Well, I think love is in the simple things, you know?
46:54
It is. It is. We can find love in just everyday things.
46:58
Yeah, it's not a big feeling. I think that's great. It's a great advice, Theo.
47:01
Find love in the simple things. Don't stop looking so big. Definitely.
47:04
You know? All right, Evan, what is love to you?
47:07
Love is just seeing yourself together with someone till the end of time.
47:14
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
47:15
Whatever that may mean in that exact moment is that taking each other to the grave at that exact moment.
47:22
So your bodies will both always be together.
47:27
Is that maybe making a sacrifice of both of your bodies and just making sure your souls will always be in a joint.
47:36
So when you say love is forever, you mean like love is right now. Like this is forever. Yeah.
47:43
For your forever. Yeah. You know? Yeah.
47:47
Love is digging two unmarked graves out in the woods.
47:52
Love is digging her grave for her.
47:58
Oh, my gosh. I tell you what, man, I think people will look at this segment and then write poems about it.
48:05
I think we have. This is what inspired Shakespeare. Yeah.
48:08
I mean, people have been debating this topic for since humans existed.
48:12
And I think we cracked the case. Your hands look dirty like this, so hers don't have to.
48:20
Oh, very good. There you go, Theo.
48:23
I hope that answers your question. What is love? Stalk somebody.
48:26
Be around them at all times without them knowing.
48:29
Just find love in the little things. And once you find love in the little things, you'll know what love actually is.
48:35
And finally, be with that person forever, but not necessarily on this earth.
48:45
On the celestial plane.
48:49
Who is our next person looking for advice? Our next individual is a young fellow by the name of Esteban.
48:56
Esteban. What a name. He says, I need help with drugs.
49:01
To which he follows up. So the title is kind of misleading, but I have a really big urge to steal one of my mom's cigarettes and just try it or just find a way to get heroin and just try it.
49:16
Really made a jump there.
49:19
Both of my parents were drug addicts and they quit recently.
49:22
So I was old enough to understand what was going on.
49:25
So I don't know. Maybe it has something. Maybe it has something to do with it.
49:29
These urges. These urges are getting really bad and I don't know what to do.
49:34
Any advice on how to stop these urges?
49:38
Well, Esteban, based on your grammar and cynic structure, it seems like you found drugs.
49:43
So I think I think you're good there. But guys, Esteban seems to be struggling with cigarettes and or heroin.
49:54
There's two options for him. No middle of the road for Esteban here. How do you think he should squelch those urges to do drugs or tobacco?
50:03
Well, it sounds like he really thinks that cigarettes are a drug.
50:08
He's like, what are the worst drugs you could do? Esteban's like, heroin, cigarettes, aspirin.
50:17
Well, Esteban.
50:19
Oh, you guys know.
50:22
Esteban, now you said you mentioned your parents were drug addicts.
50:30
I'm assuming that goes back. How old were you?
50:34
However many years that is, I'm assuming they were probably on drugs when you were a child.
50:39
That's probably where you're getting these urges is you had the drugs in the womb.
50:43
So now you want them now. Yeah.
50:45
You're you're feeding and you're already a little addict.
50:47
So I'd say the best way to get out of that, to snap out of it is to just do the drugs.
50:54
Give it to your primal urges. Exactly.
50:56
Just do it and then you'll realize how not special or special it is.
51:03
And then you can kind of just take the lead from there.
51:05
So that's my advice is just do the drugs. Don't fight it. Don't don't fight it.
51:10
You're just putting a lot of unnecessary energy into something. Yeah. A lot of stress.
51:14
Yeah, you're just stressing yourself out means you want a cigarette or heroin more.
51:20
I want to know how he chooses between other things. Yeah.
51:25
Yeah. Hey, should I get a tricycle or F-22 fighter pilot plane?
51:30
What what should I get? Do I go to work or go murder someone?
51:37
His decision making is probably just top tier. I don't know. Yeah, I think that's great.
51:42
I think that's great. Just give into it. You're not going to hear that in a meeting.
51:48
You didn't go to an AA meeting. 12 steps is too many.
51:51
12 steps is too many. We have one step. Give into it. Yeah.
51:55
All right, Alan, what do you what's your advice for Esteban Esteban?
51:59
If you want to do these drugs, if you want to ensure that you're not going to like these drugs,
52:05
just do things that look like drugs but aren't.
52:10
So line up just a bunch of lines of baking soda. Yeah.
52:15
It's going to look like coke, but it's not going to give you that same coke feeling.
52:20
So because you because you don't get that high, you're going to immediately think, I don't know, the coke's not for me.
52:26
Yeah, right. You might not get the high, but you're probably going to get the low.
52:32
There's no way snorting. You will 100 percent get the low.
52:38
For those the cigs that you mentioned, just go buy some of those long pretzels and just start pretending like you're smoking them again.
52:47
Not going to give you that satisfaction you're looking for.
52:50
So maybe you'll just maybe you'll think twice about wanting a cigarette. Yeah.
52:54
And as you lose friends because you're trying to smoke a pretzel, I mean, I could see it maybe causing more urges to do drugs because you're losing friendships and relationships.
53:04
Yeah. But hopefully the people in your life are telling you, hey, you don't need to do that when you're over there packing a couple of pretzels against the table.
53:11
You know, I think that's good.
53:14
So pretend to do drugs as if you're a middle schooler.
53:18
And that is that would help your urges.
53:20
My advice, Esteban, is make this a family thing.
53:24
You know, maybe there's a positive light. You could spit on this. A silver lining, if you will.
53:29
You said that your parents were drug addicts. Well, you should be a drug addict, too.
53:34
And instead of maybe having a family game night, it's just a family heroin get together.
53:40
And you do heroin together. And that will bring the family close.
53:44
I think every family is different. Not every family is going to manifest family time the same way.
53:49
I think your family should go ahead and really jump in the deep end of drugs and just that that should be all's thing.
53:55
You know, that's really sweet. I mean, his parents did it already.
53:57
I feel like I mean, you have an in to find the drugs. It's it's heritage, honestly.
54:02
That's experience. Right. I mean, too.
54:04
I mean, we're all trying to learn something from our parents. There they go.
54:09
Some people's dads teach them how to throw a ball. Yeah. Some teach them how to do heroin.
54:14
Find the vein in the arm, you know. What belt to use?
54:19
Well, Esteban, there you go. There's your advice.
54:22
We're still confused about your decision making jumping from cigarettes to heroin.
54:27
But I guess we'll overlook that. You didn't exactly explain that.
54:30
But that's what our advice is to you to help those urges.
54:33
Give in to it. Do drugs like a middle schooler and pretend.
54:36
And then I say give in to it, but do it with your family.
54:39
But that's it, guys.
54:41
Would you all want to give one last little bit of wisdom with our one liner wisdoms?
54:46
They say the grass is always greener on the other side.
54:49
But I say the class is always meaner when you pee your pants.
55:00
Oh, man. Spoken from experience.
55:05
Oh, very good.
55:08
They say chop your own wood and you'll warm yourself twice.
55:13
I say burn down an old schoolhouse and it'll warm you one really big time.
55:25
Very good. But there you go, guys.
55:27
I hope that's good advice for you all.
55:29
Remember, legally, you have to do one of these options.
55:33
You don't have a choice. We recommend doing all the options,
55:36
but you have to do at least one of them.
55:38
Otherwise, we will send lawsuits your way.
55:41
We've already written three. We don't have to do more.
55:44
It's just our obligation. That's right. That's right.
55:47
If you have a hypothetical you want us to answer, if you need advice,
55:51
you just saw the advice we gave to two needy people.
55:55
If you have a place you want us to travel, if you need fun facts about a subject,
56:01
just write us in. Tell us how much you hate us.
56:04
Questionable Detour podcast at gmail.com.
56:06
All right, guys, you want to be done?
56:08
Oh, yeah.
56:09
Expect the detour.