Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Reality Of Female Sexual Initiation

Transcript

The Reality Of Female Sexual Initiation · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today.
• 0:09
  We are going to be talking about the reality of female sexual
• 0:12
  initiation. Sounds like a Nat Geo special,
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  the reality of female sexual initiation, and this meerkat
• 0:19
  Community. But anyway, before we get into
• 0:24
  that, we will talk about the reasons you should subscribe,
• 0:28
  which are that I have about 80 for podcast episodes that are
• 0:31
  subscription-only, including oral sex on women, and then most
• 0:35
  recently, Aunt Leigh, why your wife won't come to couples
• 0:37
  counseling or cuz she just got a new puppy or she just renovated
• 0:40
  the house or whatever the hell the reason of the week is and to
• 0:45
  not just couples counseling but why she won't have sex with you
• 0:47
  or do anything really? And is it true that she is just
• 0:50
  so busy all the time. Why does she keep making
• 0:53
  herself? Even more busy if so, etc.
• 0:55
  Etc, burning questions of the average, American male.
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  Okay, so then the reality of female sexual initiation.
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  Why am I talking about? Out this many guys put this on a
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  pedestal as like the the most profoundly transformative
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  marital experience. They could imagine which will
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  Rectify all their existing self-esteem issues, which may
• 1:17
  not even be identified as such and would just make their life
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  just so fucking awesome every day, they would be walking on
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  air because they are a guy who gets pursued sexually by their
• 1:28
  wife. Now, as you can imagine, from my
• 1:31
  tone, this is like some bullshit, right?
• 1:34
  This is some fantastic. To SeaWorld bullshit, you would
• 1:37
  get a bitch related to anything. So, what did guys really think
• 1:41
  that this would be, like, they think it would be like, porn,
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  you know? Like the woman and I know,
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  you're so smart. You know, that, like, women
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  don't like look like porn actresses and they don't do like
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  a million, you know, different, you know, contortionist moves.
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  And they're not screaming to wake the children.
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  But the woman who would initiate sex would be looking at you with
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  desire and her eyes and she would be Touching you and
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  thinking, you're so hot and this is why she wants to have sex.
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  Let me tell you something. Monogamy strikes, even the high
• 2:14
  libido initiation women. They would be initiating because
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  they want to have sex and you are the only thing that have sex
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  with. That's the reality you know?
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  Women think that guys do it because they're the only game in
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  town but it isn't really true because guys have like a super
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  high sex / romance drama Drive. And they can like, like, you
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  know, get really into the that have, like, a fantasy going on
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  in their head to because romance is fantasy, but they guys, more
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  frequently do want to have sex with their wives because they're
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  super attracted to their wives. I mean, that could be super
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  attracted to lots of women, but their wife is one of them, you
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  know? And so men who have spontaneous
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  desire, you really go back to the response of Desire podcast.
• 3:02
  If you're not super familiar with that, then a lot of my
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  stuff I'm going to make sense. So, men have spontaneous desire,
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  they look at their wife and they feel desire, they then, as
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  everybody does, it's naturally a human thing to try to
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  extrapolate from your own experiences and generalize to
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  the experiences of others. So, if you're a high libido,
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  spontaneous desire male, then you think that if you were with
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  a woman who initiated sex, then she would also be a spontaneous
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  desire sort of person that in fact is why she would be
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  initiating. It is not in fact, similar Many
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  women initiate sex. In fact, it is a common
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  complaint in my practice that women initiate, more than men
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  and that the man is very passive and does not initiate at all.
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  And that is accurate. And what they do often is wait
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  for the woman to pre initiate. Like basically put her hand on
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  there are more say, let's go upstairs or something and then
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  once in the bed they will be the first to kiss her or something.
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  That's not really initiation. I mean, initiation is coming up
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  with the idea in the first place and many Men complain that the
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  man does not do this, and I relate that to the fact that men
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  in today's society or taught to be ashamed of their sexuality
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  and are also very rejection sensitive more so than in Prior
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  Generations, possibly? Because I don't know, you know,
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  like they are told that it's so terrible to hurt a woman's
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  feelings. They also don't have so much
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  shit going on. Is guys, did in previous
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  generations where and you know, my friend dies.
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  Oh Dad, starting over there. I'm going to be doing a thing
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  with him. Him in a couple weeks, a zoom
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  call that I can link you guys to.
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  When I wish I could do that in the description of this.
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  I have it. The link to the zoom invite.
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  But anyway, he talks about that like men ought to have more
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  friends and stuff like that in order to, you know, work against
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  some of this thing, where they situate their entire self-esteem
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  in what their wife thinks about them.
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  But many guys, don't have that and many women are out earning
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  their husbands. Now to I mean this is like not a
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  Man's world anymore in case you've been dead or in a coma.
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  So, you know, it's good, that it isn't like, you know, a
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  situation where women are one down two men, but we may be
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  going a little, the other direction too much, especially
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  in the upper middle class and above, you know.
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  So anyhow, my point being a lot of guys situate, the entirety of
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  their self-esteem and whether their wife wants to have sex
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  with them, therefore they don't put themselves out there to be
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  rejected because the rejection will be a cataclysm To their
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  self-esteem because oh, and also porn.
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  Hey, because the entirety of their self-esteem is situated,
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  but I was going to say about porn.
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  There's more men watching porn in today's generation than ever
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  before. Porn is just a part of, you
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  know, the, your media experience.
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  So, guys, used to look at Hustler.
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  Yeah, Hustler. You can't really get sucked into
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  Hustler for like four hours, you know, there's only so much is
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  only so many pages of Hustler and now there's like just
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  carefully curated porn experience.
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  And all those women are like you know looking at you like they
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  want you. It's not really you but you can
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  tell yourself it is and so then, you know, whatever your wife
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  does, it's going to hurt your feelings because your bar is so
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  high for what female desire is supposed to look like, due to
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  the proliferation of porn. So anyway, what would it look
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  like for a woman to initiate sex in these guys Minds?
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  If they had a wife who initiate sex more, she would be doing it.
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  She looking at you. She desires you she wants you.
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  High libido woman that initiate sex wants to have sex.
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  So you know it's not as awesome as it sounds because if you are
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  it's awesome. If you are securely attached,
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  man. But if you are the usual man
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  that is complaining about the wife, not wanting sex and making
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  it their reason for living to hack the system of why she
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  doesn't want sex, then you're wanting more from the encounter
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  than a woman. Who wants sex, you're wanting
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  validation a Move all acceptance attraction.
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  You want to go? That's crazy.
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  Shit out of a woman who wants to get off.
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  So it's so interesting because I get all kind of complain to my
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  office and they're exactly opposite to each other which
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  shows that they're invalid, you know, not invalid, but that they
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  represent something deeper, I get women men who complained
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  that the woman comes to slow, men, who complain, the woman
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  comes to fast. I get men who complained that
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  the woman wants to be only on top.
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  Only wants to be on the bottom. I get men.
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  Let's say the woman wants to Have the lights on wants to have
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  the lights off, literally like any any complaint you would say,
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  why would a man complain about let any of those?
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  Let's pick the lights on. Oh, because it's not a romantic
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  sensual experience, we're just fucking you know, really.
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  So the point here is this you if you are situating your need for
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  basic approval love and validation in your wife's desire
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  for sex, there is nothing that is going to help you because
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  with in a monogamous relationship she is Never gonna
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  look at you. Like how, you know, like, like
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  whatever romantic / porn, fairy tale, you're thinking about
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  where there was, you know, like like she's one of the girls in
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  front that an N Sync concert, 20 years ago.
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  And and then she goes home with the guy from in sync.
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  It's not going to be like that because a high libido woman
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  wants to have sex. Yeah, she separately thinks that
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  you're attractive because I've I hope I have hammered home really
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  Quite a bit, the fact that her sex drive and whether she finds
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  you, sexually attractive are separate.
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  They got like nothing to do with each other.
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  I could see a hot guy on the street, not want to have sex
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  with him at all, not even think about, you know, it's that's how
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  women are. And I hope that you have learned
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  that from listening to me. And so, unless the husband has
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  fallen off a cliff physically like gained like 50 pounds, just
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  stopped. Even caring.
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  Stop Shaving. Stop showering.
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  Stop getting his haircut. Yeah, sure you can make things.
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  Worse. But generally your looks are
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  going to make things better from her Baseline sex drive.
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  So if your partner with a high libido woman and she wants to
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  have sex, then she's gonna want to have sex in at some point
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  because you're not stupid. You're gonna think, oh my God,
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  it's about sex. So it isn't about me being
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  transformation. Ali, amazing.
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  That you cannot wait to only specifically be with me it's
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  because she likes when I go down on her, you know, like that's
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  what it is. And then, of course, the man who
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  has pre Occupied attachment on a Workhorse mentality is going to
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  be like, well, shit, you know, and this is what this is.
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  Another one I get men were upset that the woman likes when he
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  goes down on her. Men were upset that the woman
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  doesn't like what he goes down on her and they have exactly the
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  same tone of voice on both ends of the spectrum.
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  Why would a man? Not like, when a woman wants him
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  to go down on her? Because he thinks it's all about
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  the orgasm, and not about the Deep complete idealized fake
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  fantasy level of You know, I traction and unique desire that
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  is only about him. And so, if you are a man who
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  struggles with preoccupied attachment, which you go back to
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  my preoccupied, attachment husband podcast, you're wanting
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  so much out of the sexual experience that even a high
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  libido woman, who wanted frequent sex would not be able
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  to, to squelch, you know, your your your, your self-esteem
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  issues and and to knock them out, you know, because she can't
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  do that, she's another human. Being that has her own needs and
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  her own life and her own thought.
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  So if you're looking to get ultimate validation from another
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  human being, it doesn't matter how often she would be fucking
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  you. It really does, you got to trust
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  me on this because that also has men who are having regular sex
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  and it's just not quality enough and when I hear it it sounds
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  like it's quality. It sounds it sounds fine.
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  You know it sounds like multiple positions.
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  She'll do I contact? You'll do this, she'll do that.
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  But what she doesn't do is make him feel like the only man in
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  Universe that matters and some sort of transcendent, you know,
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  Glory. You know that that he's thinking
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  about in his deepest, heart would be the thing.
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  That would finally fill him up and make him feel better about
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  himself. She's not doing that because he
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  realizes that she likes sex, and that's why they're having sex.
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  It's true. She also loves him separately,
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  you know, sometimes, you know, she expressed his love through
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  sex. Women don't really do that.
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  That much, not as much as men because they're not as romantic
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  with, in monogamy. Me.
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  But yeah, I mean she loves him. She thinks he's hot and they
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  have sex and you would say in such a situation I a preoccupied
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  attachment husband would never look a gift horse in the mouth
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  man. You just have not met the gift
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  horse yet because I see men do this all over the place though.
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  The woman initiates, but she initiates bad, the woman
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  initiates bought, oh my God, once they started tracking it,
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  it's more around ovulation, which in fact, means that her
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  hormones are at play. Not her burning desire for you
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  as a man. Or whatever the case may be.
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  So it is never and I had a podcast.
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  So about this, it is never about the frequency of sex, unless
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  you're securely attached. That's the hack, if you can work
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  on yourself and therapy, and get to a place, where your
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  self-esteem is not riding on your wife and what she thinks of
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  you, then you can enjoy a good sex life, then you could be
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  like, oh wow, shit, I lucked out, man.
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  We do it like three times a week when she's ovulating one time a
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  week the rest of the time and then some freebies sometimes,
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  you know. Oh, and I realized it's pretty
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  good, you know what if I were to make it my business to be mr.
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  Seductive Grand wizard. I bet that I could get that up
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  to twice a week, you know, and four times a week when she's
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  ovulating or some crazy shit, or whatever, you know, or I bet we
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  could, you know, do anal. If I really became like mr.
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  Grandmaster anal, wizard, you know.
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  So whatever that would entail, which sounds kind of horrifying,
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  but the point being until you can get to a place where your
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  self-esteem is separated from what your wife thinks about you
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  And you have worked on your deep, you know, bottomless need
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  for approval and adoration from women and resolved, the
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  childhood issues that led to such, which are usually not
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  feeling that you got enough, attention care, and love at
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  home, then there's no amount of sex and no type of sex that she
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  could give you that's going to be enough.
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  You know, I get guys who wish that the wife, would you sex
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  toys with men? That are upset that the wife
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  does sex toys, you know, people who want more selfies.
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  People who don't like the Selfies that they're set.
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  It's literally, I mean, I know it's hard to unless you
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  experience it, but until you have sat there, listening to two
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  consecutive male clients, complain about things on
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  complete ends of the spectrum that are different.
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  But yet they still have the same personality trait which is
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  preoccupied, attachment not a personality trait in the, in the
• 13:55
  classic sense, but attachment style.
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  Then you, you can't see how how interesting it is.
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  You know, it's like this if you want to take about if you think
• 14:04
  that your wife is kind of a Price of anxious person.
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  Anxious. So many of y'all think your
• 14:08
  wives are anxious, right? And many women are anxious so
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  you're not wrong. So is there an amount of safety
• 14:14
  that the children could have is there?
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  Is there really no? There isn't because if if the if
• 14:21
  she gets them in the car seat the right way, then she's going
• 14:23
  to be upset that they could choked on a grape.
• 14:25
  If she cuts up the great the right way, then she's upset that
• 14:28
  they could get covid. If they get covid then they
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  she's upset that they could get the flu.
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  It just bounces from one thing to the next.
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  And if they're older it's that they're not going to be out on
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  their own but then, if they're out on their own, it's that they
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  don't want to be with her, it's always a problem because she's
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  not addressing the root of the issue, which is her own anxiety.
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  So, it's exactly the analog for the preoccupied attachment.
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  Man. There is no next step of sexual,
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  anything that could make a man with preoccupied, attachment
• 14:57
  feel better. He has to work on his attachment
• 15:00
  style and it's self-esteem and his confidence in exactly the
• 15:04
  same way. The woman in the analogy, has to
• 15:06
  work on her levels of generalized anxiety.
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  Otherwise there will be nothing that can help the reality of
• 15:14
  female sexual initiation is it would become Baseline in your
• 15:17
  hedonic treadmill within about seven to ten business days.
• 15:21
  And then you would be worried about the next sign that she
• 15:24
  doesn't love you enough. Right?
• 15:27
  And I think that some of y'all are having a light bulb moment
• 15:30
  and for that I am grateful or you know, happy for you, you be
• 15:34
  grateful to me. And I hope you got something out
• 15:38
  of this. Please do subscribe.
• 15:39
  Follow me on Tick. Tock and I got a, I got an
• 15:42
  old-fashioned pickup line. The other day, I Tick Tock, I
• 15:45
  thought y'all would be think it was funny.
• 15:47
  I told my husband soon as I got it, he said, I give you a nine
• 15:51
  out of ten wrong last name. Ha right, pretty funny.
• 15:55
  Some of the Tick-Tock, guys are do the old-school come-ons,
• 15:58
  which is pretty amusing, but also, I do get many, many
• 16:02
  insults. So you could follow those.
• 16:03
  Not about my look. Thank God.
• 16:05
  God. But they're you know there's
• 16:06
  always a dawn of a new day so I get can't can't say no that that
• 16:09
  won't happen. Usually it's about my
• 16:11
  personality though so you know which is really not everybody's
• 16:14
  cup of tea. So I hear that where they're
• 16:16
  coming from. Anyway, I'll talk to you all
• 16:18
  soon. Have a great day guys.
• 16:20
  Bye.