Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 229: Emotional Adulthood: How to Stop Letting Others Control Your Emotions

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229: Emotional Adulthood: How to Stop Letting Others Control Your Emotions · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:23
  Now, today we're going to be talking about emotional adulthood, which is basically the idea that you are the one who is ultimately responsible for what is happening inside of you.
• 0:32
  And I will be sharing with you three specific examples in just a moment because let's be honest, it is a lot easier to see when other people are not acting through emotional adulthood than it is to see in ourselves.
• 0:42
  So if you remember nothing else from this episode, I want you to remember this, that that person over there, your partner, that driver on the road that just cut you off, that obnoxious customer that you were just trying to help, your neighbor, your kid, your coworker, none of these people are the ones that are actually responsible for creating your emotions.
• 1:01
  I mean, yes, their behavior, it can absolutely have an influence and an impact on you.
• 1:06
  It can trigger thoughts.
• 1:07
  It can bring emotions to the surface.
• 1:09
  It can give you a lot of reasons why you actually want to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or frustrated.
• 1:14
  But taking responsibility for what it is that you do with these emotions, that is emotional adulthood.
• 1:21
  When we believe that somebody else is the one that's responsible for how it is that we feel, then we're actually handing our power over to them.
• 1:28
  And more than likely, we're handing that power over to somebody that we already feel isn't showing up very well.
• 1:33
  They aren't showing up how we think that they should be showing up.
• 1:36
  But it is possible to learn how to show up with emotional maturity even when other people are acting in a way that really conflicts with your values.
• 1:45
  And I totally get it.
• 1:46
  It is so easy to say,"No, you make me so angry, and if you would just change, then I would feel so much better." But waiting for other people to change, all it does is delay your own happiness.
• 1:58
  It is so much better to take ownership of your own emotional experience and just choose to adapt accordingly.
• 2:05
  So think for just a moment about what happens inside of you when you're believing that somebody else is in charge of your emotions, that they're the reason why you're angry, sad, or frustrated.
• 2:15
  If they're the ones that are responsible for our emotions, then guess what else that means?
• 2:20
  It means that you can't experience peace until they change.
• 2:24
  You can't be happy until they change.
• 2:27
  You can't move forward until they change.
• 2:31
  But the problem with this is, is that you don't actually have any control over whether they change or not.
• 2:37
  And more than likely, you might be upset because this could be a repeated behavior, right?
• 2:41
  And that's why you're feeling so upset.
• 2:43
  But that also means that they've already demonstrated that,"You know what?
• 2:47
  It's just easier for me to keep doing things the way that I wanna do'em.
• 2:50
  So you can keep hoping that I'm going to change.
• 2:52
  You can keep requesting that I change.
• 2:54
  You can keep being upset when I don't change, but I may or may not change." And that means that now you are the one who is stuck in the waiting place.
• 3:03
  You're the one that's feeling rotten now, just hoping that eventually they'll start to behave differently so that you can finally start to feel better, but that is a pretty powerless place to live.
• 3:13
  Now, let me be clear that I'm not saying that other people's behavior should never upset you.
• 3:18
  Of course, you're going to be upset by other people's behavior from time to time, right?
• 3:22
  There are plenty of things that people do that I do in fact choose to be upset about.
• 3:26
  I might choose to feel angry.
• 3:28
  I might choose to feel disappointed.
• 3:30
  I might decide that, you know what?
• 3:31
  Their behavior is not okay with me, and I'm going to work to actively change that relationship.
• 3:36
  Emotional adulthood, it doesn't mean becoming some unbothered robot that never has any feelings.
• 3:42
  It just means taking ownership of your own responses to those feelings.
• 3:47
  All right?
• 3:48
  Okay, so now let's look at a few specific examples, shall we?
• 3:51
  Example number one, your partner has been working late for several weeks in a row.
• 3:56
  Now, your partner working late, this is in fact a neutral circumstance until you have a thought about it.
• 4:02
  Okay?
• 4:03
  So the neutral circumstance is partner's working late.
• 4:06
  Now, in this instance, if you're believing that they are personally responsible for your feelings, then you might be thinking thoughts like,"Ugh, they're so rude.
• 4:14
  They are so inconsiderate to show up late for dinner.
• 4:16
  They clearly don't respect me.
• 4:18
  If they actually loved me, they would want to hurry home and spend time with me.
• 4:22
  They wouldn't be working so late.
• 4:24
  Ugh, you know what?
• 4:25
  I guess that they don't actually love me at all." And when you're thinking thoughts like those, then you might end up feeling really angry, hurt, or even feeling really rejected by your partner.
• 4:34
  And when you're feeling those feelings, then maybe you choose to rant and rave when they walk through the door at the end of the day.
• 4:41
  This might mean that you're really laying into them about dinner being cold.
• 4:44
  You're telling them how they clearly just don't care about you, and you might tell them that if they actually loved you, then they would make you a priority and be home on time, not at work all night, So that is one way that you could choose to respond to their being late.
• 4:56
  But more than likely, then believing that they're the reason that you're upset, it's not going to help you in your relationship.
• 5:02
  It's not going to create that love and that connection that you're looking for, and it's not actually going to help you to feel any better.
• 5:09
  I mean, in the moment, then we might think,"Oh, well, I need to let them know how I feel and let them know it's all their fault, and then I'll feel better." But it's not actually going to change anything, and it might actually make you feel even worse.
• 5:20
  So how else might you respond?
• 5:23
  Maybe when dinner's ready and you notice that, oh, dinner's hot and ready and my partner's not here and they haven't called yet, then maybe you just choose to, you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and eat dinner while it's still hot.
• 5:33
  And then maybe after that, you just choose to enjoy having the house to yourself for a little while.
• 5:37
  So maybe you choose to watch that TV show that you really love and they really don't while you wait for them to come home.
• 5:43
  And then when they do come home, you're just completely unbothered by it, right?
• 5:46
  You're able to calmly let them know,"Oh, hey, yeah, there's leftovers in the fridge.
• 5:50
  Let me know when you're done eating so we can connect." That's an option available to you, right?
• 5:54
  Or you could choose to just lead with kindness and curiosity.
• 5:58
  This means that maybe when your partner walks through the door, then instead of immediately attacking them, then you might ask them something like,"Hey, how are you doing?
• 6:06
  You've really been working a lot of long hours lately.
• 6:08
  How are you holding up?" And maybe leading with kindness and curiosity, maybe that's gonna help to create more of the connection that you're looking for in your relationship.
• 6:18
  Now notice that regardless of how you're showing up, it's not going to be changing the actual circumstance, Your partner is still going to be late.
• 6:25
  And it also doesn't mean that you needed to pretend to be thrilled about their working late.
• 6:30
  That would be a lie.
• 6:31
  And you didn't have to delay your happiness until they were no longer working such long hours.
• 6:35
  Instead, you're choosing what it is that you want to do with that neutral circumstance.
• 6:40
  Your partner coming home late, it gives you so many different options for how it is that you want to think and feel and respond to that situation.
• 6:47
  But if your thought is,"I'm furious because they're being disrespectful, they're not considering me and my feelings," then the only way that you're going to feel better is if they change, if their work situation changes.
• 6:58
  But if they're dealing with a lot of demands at work, which it sounds like they are, and if it seems to be not very likely that the situation's gonna be changing anytime soon, which it seems like it isn't, then you have just chosen to put your peace on hold.
• 7:11
  You have decided to delay your own peace and happiness until things change for them at work, which we don't know yet when that's going to be.
• 7:18
  And when you're doing this, then you might be missing out on some significant opportunities for connection, growth, and even love while you wait for their situation to change.
• 7:27
  Okay, example number two.
• 7:29
  You sent a text to your friend, and they didn't respond.
• 7:32
  It has now been a couple of days, and there's been no response.
• 7:36
  Now, you could choose to think they are so inconsiderate.
• 7:39
  How dare they not respond to my text?
• 7:41
  They obviously don't care about me at all.
• 7:43
  And if you're thinking those kind of thoughts, then maybe the next time that you see them or you hear from them, then maybe you ignore them out of spite, or maybe you just totally unload on them saying something like,"I can't believe that you ignored me for so many days.
• 7:55
  What is it that is so much more important than me?
• 7:57
  I thought that we were friends.
• 7:59
  I guess that I was wrong." Now, again, this is putting your emotional experience in their hands.
• 8:04
  It is making your emotional experience contingent upon their ability in that moment to respond to a text message.
• 8:10
  Because now you're essentially saying,"Hey, I will only be okay when you start behaving in the way that I want you to behave." But what if you thought about things a little bit differently?
• 8:21
  So maybe instead, then you choose to send another message.
• 8:24
  Maybe instead you just say,"Oh, hey, I texted you a few days ago, and I didn't hear back.
• 8:28
  You must be so busy.
• 8:29
  I miss you.
• 8:31
  Please reach out when you're able to." And when you respond in that way, you're not pretending that you weren't disappointed.
• 8:37
  It just means that you are now taking ownership of your emotional experience instead of placing your happiness on hold until somebody else has the time or the energy or the capacity to respond to a text message.
• 8:49
  All right, example number three.
• 8:51
  Your child gets engaged and you start seeing less of them.
• 8:54
  And now you can make this mean any number of things, right?
• 8:56
  So for example, you could make it mean that this is the fiancé's problem.
• 8:59
  The fiancé's the problem.
• 9:01
  They're manipulating my kid into not wanting to see our family.
• 9:04
  They're starting to choose their family over our family.
• 9:06
  They're creating a wedge between me and my child.
• 9:09
  And maybe even start to question their relationship.
• 9:11
  You might be thinking,"You know what?
• 9:12
  I'm not even sure if this marriage is going to last.
• 9:15
  I'm not even sure if this marriage is a good idea after all.
• 9:18
  I don't know if I can support this wedding." And when you're thinking those thoughts, then you might start to talk negatively about the fiancé, maybe to your child or to other people.
• 9:26
  And you're doing this just hoping that your child will eventually see that, yes, my fiancé is the problem and I should call off the wedding, right?
• 9:32
  You're trying to control something that is out of your control.
• 9:35
  But really ask yourself,"Okay, if I show up in that way, how is that going to be impacting my relationship with my child?" Probably it's not gonna impact it in a positive direction, right?
• 9:46
  So something else that you might choose to think is,"Oh, it must be really hard to have to share time between two families and to plan a wedding at the same time.
• 9:53
  Oh my goodness, I remember how hard it is to find that balance, and it really can be a struggle." Or you might choose to think,"You know what?
• 10:00
  Maybe their relationship will work out and maybe it won't, but I'm going to choose to be the best parent that I can be.
• 10:05
  I am going to choose to keep the lines of communication open with my child so I can celebrate their happiness with them and be there in their joy and so that I can also be a safe place to land if things don't work out.
• 10:16
  But I'm going to choose to show up in love for both my child and their fiancé." Now you don't have to believe that they're a perfect match for each other.
• 10:25
  You don't have to love every single decision that they make around how they spend their time, decisions that they make in their relationship, decisions that they make about the wedding.
• 10:32
  You can have concerns about the relationship, but you can also choose to believe that your child is capable of figuring things out, and you can choose to love them no matter who it is that they marry.
• 10:44
  And that choice is going to have a significant impact on how it is that you show up in that relationship.
• 10:49
  It's going to have a significant impact on your relationship with your child, and it is more than likely also going to have a significant impact on how your child and their fiancé choose to spend their free time.
• 10:59
  And that's something that's really interesting is oftentimes when we're trying to control something, when we're trying to say that somebody else needs to change in order for me to feel better, we often create the very thing that we fear the most, which in this case would be having less time with your child.
• 11:14
  Now here's what I really want you to take away from these three examples is you are not responsible for other people's behavior and other people are not responsible for your emotional experience.
• 11:25
  You get to decide what it is that you choose to make things mean.
• 11:28
  You get to decide how it is that you want to respond to other people.
• 11:33
  You get to decide what it is that you want to choose to believe and that doesn't mean that you're never going to be angry and it doesn't mean that you're never going to be hurt or that you're never going to be disappointed or frustrated.
• 11:43
  It just means that you're going to stop giving somebody else the remote control to your emotional experience.
• 11:48
  So the next time you catch yourself thinking,"Oh, they made me feel this way," then pause and ask yourself,"What am I making their behavior mean?" Because that's where your power lives.
• 11:58
  Now if you would like to dive deeper into this work and start building more awareness around your thoughts, emotions, boundaries and relationships, then check out the show notes for my freebies down below because I've got some great resources to get you started.
• 12:10
  All right, well I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 12:12
  Bye now