Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Incorporate Your New Partner Into Your Family Unit

Transcript

How To Incorporate Your New Partner Into Your Family Unit · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
0:07
So I can Mom show today. I'm going to talk about a topic
0:11
that was requested, a lot about blending families and
0:15
specifically, how to incorporate your partner into your life,
0:18
with small children or children that are still in the home.
0:23
And before we dive into that episode.
0:25
Then I want to obviously tell you to subscribe as usual.
0:30
I just recorded one on men, who can't trust.
0:33
So that is very useful to Many and attachment Theory,
0:37
boundaries communication. There's just so many of them by
0:41
now. So hopefully end of mr.
0:44
Perfect is crazy wife. Oh, and the oral sex on women,
0:47
that's always a big one. So anyhow, let's go back to
0:50
Blended families. So they're obviously based on
0:55
the age of your child. It's going to be more or less
0:57
easy to incorporate your new partner into your life.
1:03
Younger kids like very young. Kids aren't even going to
1:05
remember time before your partner.
1:07
If they're like toddlers, Etc, preschoolers preschoolers old
1:12
remember time before your partner, but they can Bond very
1:15
readily. Teenagers Bond less readily to
1:20
just because they're harder with everything.
1:22
So it's a very different introducing and I'm not even
1:26
talking about introducing like I'll link to my post on how to
1:28
introduce your partner or your new partner to your kids, but
1:31
I'm talking about like when you're living together, so
1:33
you're really incorporating. I'm into your life and how that
1:36
goes. So little kids, like real little
1:39
kids will just even like, you know, be physically like hugging
1:43
and cuddling and talking and everything.
1:46
To any loving adult where as a teenager, may feel very loyal to
1:52
the other parent and therefore be more difficult and they also
1:57
have more problems in general with everybody.
2:00
And so they're more irritable faith and less dependent on the
2:04
Family. Of origin for any sort of need
2:06
to be met. So in, you know, kids that are
2:10
in between are going to be in between, you know, like real
2:13
little kids will be easier than older than older kids.
2:16
We will be easier than teenagers who also, although not relevant
2:20
to this podcast will be easier. Probably then young adult
2:23
because I work with a lot of people who their parents remarry
2:30
later, like when they're already an adult, their parents, get
2:33
divorced. And then remarried.
2:35
And some people have a relationship with these step
2:38
parents, but many people don't even really consider them step
2:42
parents at all, except like legally because they are an
2:46
adult. So, this is basically, like Mom
2:48
or Dad's husband, / wife, and they have all sorts of
2:51
relationships with those people. Good bad or indifferent, but
2:55
they don't really consider this person to be a parent surrogate
2:58
in anyway, so, I mean, first, obviously, you have to think
3:03
about the way. That you are framing this
3:06
person's addition into your family.
3:09
Like if you are acting like, you do everything for your kids and
3:15
that your new spouse, or your new partner is an add-on, a very
3:20
little value then, guess what your kids are going to think,
3:24
you know, like if you want your kids to really bond with your
3:30
partner and who's going to be their new step parent or people
3:34
say, And as a parent now, somebody got up my ass for
3:36
saying stepparent. I say stepparent.
3:39
I'm 41 years old. We say stepparent.
3:42
I mean, you want to say bonus? Parents a bonus parent.
3:44
My kids, got my husband thing that said, bonus dad.
3:46
That's cool. But you could also say
3:48
stepparent, Unless somehow, that's now going to be a thing
3:51
that we're not allowed to say. I can't imagine why.
3:53
But anyhow, I'm going to say stepparent.
3:56
So if you want your kids to bond your stepparent, they have to be
4:00
integral in the life of the family, and this has to be
4:03
basically, from The time that you start living together, you
4:06
know, and which it frequently comes before, you know, you're
4:10
actually married. So they're like a de facto
4:13
stepparent, not, you know, a legal step parent yet.
4:16
And for some people it happens at the same time, but either
4:19
way, if your kids depend on their step parent for nothing,
4:24
they don't need them for nothing.
4:26
They don't bond to them the same way.
4:27
Like you are their parents certainly, but if you want your
4:31
kid to feel like they have now, two parents in the Of course,
4:35
they still have their other parent.
4:37
I'm talking about situation where they do still have their
4:39
other parent and they go back and forth in some sort of way.
4:42
So your ex is there, you know, you know, father, / mother but
4:49
now there's like another person in a similar role on the same
4:54
level to you of parent in the house.
4:57
Then you have to start acting from the beginning.
5:00
Like this person is necessary. Like they are essential like
5:04
they And do stuff for your kid like that your kid should and
5:07
can rely on that. So there's a lot of people that
5:10
kind of over function. You should go back to my over
5:13
functioning podcast and then their new partner, the new
5:18
stepparent is kind of useless in the home, in a sentence in the
5:22
parenting aspect. So they kind of keep on
5:25
operating, like they did when they were single and they do
5:28
everything for the kids and the other, you know, adult in the
5:34
home. Is kind of not at the level of
5:36
parent. So they're not at the level of
5:39
parent, how your kids going to think of them as a parent, you
5:42
know, it's hard because obviously you want to show your
5:45
kids that you prioritize them and that you love them and and
5:50
you want to strike a balance. So you don't want to say, oh
5:53
look this person's in here now. So now they're going to
5:55
discipline you and they're going to do everything same as I do.
5:57
And disciplining is a different kind of issue which I'll get to
6:01
in a few, but you certainly want your Your partner to be like,
6:06
driving them places and making food for them and helping them
6:11
with homework, and doing all sorts of things that can let
6:14
them see that they can rely on their stepparent and that their
6:18
step parent, loves them. So if you keep doing like
6:20
everything for your kid, and then your partner is just kind
6:24
of like hanging out, you know, then how is that going to
6:28
promote any sort of closeness or connection when you're trying to
6:31
do? Like this person's in in your
6:33
home like they're not Stop, um some guy that you've dated a
6:37
couple times or some women, you've dated a couple times.
6:39
This is like a person that's in your home.
6:40
You're blending families. They are either illegal or soon
6:44
to be legal or a de facto stepparent.
6:47
So as long as they got that parent moniker, they have to be
6:50
incorporated in your kids lives. And now, if they have some kind
6:53
of problem with doing that, then this should not be somebody that
6:55
you married or that you're living with.
6:57
So, like, if they think that somehow this is like no one in,
7:01
but like, I mean like and in the Person of situations where
7:06
somebody is like fog this they're not my kids, you know,
7:09
I'm not driving them to dance class or whatever.
7:11
Then why are you with that person?
7:12
Don't be with that person. Obviously, like that setting
7:15
everything up to be terrible and your kids are going to feel that
7:20
distance emanating from this adult who then they're obviously
7:23
not going to be close to. But in all other situations when
7:27
somebody loves you, they love your kids and were at least they
7:31
know they have to start to love your kids on are ready.
7:34
Open and willing to do that and hoping that the kids love them
7:38
back, you know, and mostly, they're worried that the kids
7:40
don't like them versus that. They don't like the kids.
7:43
But of course, kids can be various levels of difficulty.
7:47
So the number one thing is to make sure that your partner is
7:53
taking care of your kids. At least, as much as you are in
7:56
a practical way. So you are splitting driving,
7:59
you are splitting buying them, taking them to the mall and
8:03
buying them. The Thing that they need for
8:05
tomorrow or like whatever. Because it's just like somebody
8:08
told me when you have like a puppy.
8:10
If you want the puppy to bond to you that you got to be the one
8:13
to feed the puppy. Well, maybe this is not much
8:16
different than parroting. Right?
8:18
So like the kid is going to bog to somebody who seem to be
8:21
essential and it's interesting because this is not what anybody
8:25
wants to replicate. But in a situation where people
8:28
have told me that they had a parent who had substance abuse
8:31
or depression or real, some sort of real bad issue and The person
8:35
got married to this very stable partner that then this step here
8:40
and took care of the child who then grew into my client in a
8:44
way better than the parent ever had.
8:46
Then they end up being closer to the stepparent than to their
8:49
biological parent because that's who they rely on.
8:52
So you need to make sure that your child has the all the
8:57
opportunities to rely on your partner.
9:00
And then they will really start to feel like they're a parent.
9:03
And if your Sir, let's say never had kids of their own and so
9:06
they have low confidence about their ability to do this.
9:10
Just put them into the situations increasingly, like
9:14
increasingly difficult situations.
9:16
I say difficult in quotes, but you know first they can be the
9:19
one to help with homework. I mean anybody can do that and
9:22
then they could be the one to, you know, drive them to to you
9:25
know, the mall. And then they could then be the
9:28
one that stays with them for a few hours while you go do
9:31
something and whatever the case may be.
9:33
So you're titrating. Up their involvement in a very
9:37
instrumental helpful way in terms of the discipline that I
9:41
said, I'd get back to stop here and should not be disciplining
9:44
for like the first few years really.
9:47
That they know the child, because this can go very bad.
9:51
So if there is any sort of resentment that a child has, and
9:55
and they could also make shit up your kids.
9:56
Like don't don't forget kids lie, like I've written about
9:59
this. They don't like his they're bad.
10:01
They like his their kids. So if they're already let's say
10:04
I feel like Daddy left Mommy, right?
10:07
And that's what they think, may or may not be true.
10:09
But that's the story in their head.
10:11
Now. Daddy has his new girlfriend.
10:13
New girlfriend said, you know, don't color on the wall and the
10:20
color on the wall, just to fuck with her.
10:23
And then she puts them in timeout.
10:25
Whoa, that's not going to go good.
10:26
And it's certainly not probably going to be reported like it
10:29
went down when they come back home to Mom.
10:31
They're going to say this, you know, horrible witch.
10:34
Decided, yanked me out of nowhere into my room and it was,
10:38
I was there for three hours like stuff like this happens, you
10:41
know, don't don't think, don't think that anybody's little
10:45
angel is above lying, these children are feeling stressed
10:48
and that's what kids do, you know, to make sense of the
10:51
world, they can lie. They can make things up.
10:54
Not because they're bad. But just because kids tend to
10:57
confabulate, you know is the word for that make shit up.
11:02
So do not ever put put your partner in a situation where
11:07
they're supposed to Discipline Your Child in any, but the most
11:12
broad like General ways like, they could say, hey, like be
11:17
quiet, you know, it's like the child is yelling, but they
11:20
should not be the one who's doing any time out or removing
11:23
any privileges. Because, remember, we're trying
11:25
to make your child bond to them in a good way and not a bad way.
11:30
So what about teenagers teenagers May really kind of In
11:34
their shell and not bond to a stepparent as readily as little
11:38
kids. So if you are trying to have a
11:42
teenager, give like big like hugs and lots of love and
11:46
affection to a stepparent. Like, you may be barking up the
11:49
wrong tree. So you're going to have to
11:50
moderate your expectations. All children would be expected
11:54
to be polite on nice to whoever your partner is or whoever your
11:59
friend is honestly or wherever you go, whatever you do.
12:02
They're expected to be nice. That's like, A normal
12:05
expectation, but to expect them to be, you know, real loving and
12:10
and emotionally close with a stepparent if they only met them
12:15
at the teenager or preteen may be asking too much or it may be
12:19
asking too much. Too soon.
12:20
That sort of relationship May develop over time.
12:23
Don't try to ever tell your kids to like, say I love you to your
12:29
partner if they are not ready to however on the other end.
12:34
If you like your partner is supposed to be supposed to love
12:38
your kids. I mean, and if they don't they
12:40
got a fake it till they make it at first.
12:42
So like your partner you can say, Hey, you know why we've
12:46
been together you been living here, you know, like I mean, I
12:49
think before they're living there they could be saying I
12:51
love you to your kids. Love you.
12:53
Bye, you know, but either way if it's like at a point you're
12:56
together for like, you know a year or something.
12:59
You could tell your partner, you know, might be nice.
13:02
Do you feel any love for the Kids that you could say I love
13:07
you or like you could say, like it's a little kid and your
13:10
partner is very kind of skittish and anxious about doing anything
13:15
wrong. You can always say, hey, like,
13:17
you know, so-and-so likes to hog.
13:21
Like you could hug her. Goodbye, like, try to hug her.
13:23
Goodbye. Let's see what she does, you
13:26
know, so, if anybody's going to initiate any sort of extra
13:29
affection, it seems to be good if the it listen.
13:32
If the kid does it, it's ideal because you Oh that it's like
13:35
coming from the heart. But like if it's a situation
13:38
where everybody is very skittish, there's nothing wrong
13:41
with encouraging, your partner to see something like I think it
13:44
would be nice. Like if you gave my daughter a
13:47
hug at the end, let's see what she does.
13:49
If you put out your arms, if she says no no because sometimes
13:52
kids are very, very anxious about being the one to initiate.
13:56
This would be like with like in the situation where like a kid
14:00
is usually a loving little kid and is starting to kind of
14:04
follow. All around the other, the
14:06
stepparent. But they don't have kind of the
14:09
courage to initiate physical contact or really to say I love
14:13
you. Then you could talk to your
14:14
partner about being the one to be more kind of open and those
14:18
ways or like, you could say to your partner.
14:21
Hey, you're going to the store. Why don't you offer to go with
14:26
your kid, you know, or why don't you offer to do this thing?
14:29
So that's a good sign is if your partner super open, You
14:34
listening to your suggestions on how to bond with the children.
14:38
That is pretty much the only sort of partner that you should
14:41
be with if you are remarrying and you have kids is somebody
14:47
who is willing to listen to you, talk about how you can better
14:50
bond with, how they could better bond with your kids.
14:52
And of course, if in the inverse it, so if you're in a situation
14:56
where your partner already has kids, then, of course, all the
14:58
things that I'm saying for them to do with your kids, you're
15:01
also going to try to do with their kids, right?
15:04
So then You're putting yourself out there, more.
15:06
You're the one who's trying to be really positive.
15:09
You're the one who's trying to do things that are
15:11
instrumentally helpful. You're the one who would
15:13
volunteer to take them, you know, to do whatever it is that
15:17
they have to do or to help with their homework or to give them a
15:20
snack or what have you. So you're always trying to kind
15:24
of show that you are. This stable, loving positive
15:27
adult and a lot of people are big into saying things like I'm
15:34
not trying to replace your mom or I'm not trying to replace
15:36
your dad. Like, that's like it's how I
15:39
talk in my book. How to talk to your kids about
15:41
divorce. I say, like, don't like some
15:43
people say in the divorce talk like this isn't your fault.
15:47
Like maybe like, like, I don't even know when what era maybe
15:51
kids would think that, I feel like, why would you say that?
15:54
They kids, that I see your work with when I used to work with
15:57
kids. They didn't think that.
15:59
Like don't say any, don't plant any seeds.
16:01
You know, II knew like very few. You kids who are not the
16:05
centerpiece of the divorce in that the parents are vying for
16:10
more and more time with them. So they don't think that they
16:13
were the people who caused the divorce.
16:15
So don't plant that seed, of course, if a kid says or you
16:18
divorcing because of me, of course, you say definitely not
16:21
like you're the best thing that came of this, you know,
16:23
marriage. We both love you so much.
16:25
But similarly like, unless a kid literally says, you're not my
16:31
dad. You don't have to say shit like
16:33
I'm not trying to replace Your dad, like, they know, like and
16:38
you the person who has those kids as your biological kids,
16:42
you can say that privately, like so-and-so is totally not
16:46
replacing. Daddy.
16:47
Daddy's your daddy. But, you know, he just loves you
16:50
and whatever. Whatever.
16:52
You can say, these kind of things.
16:54
It doesn't really seem evident, not evidence, is required to say
17:01
that, and sometimes kids will take that the wrong way.
17:04
As As though you're saying you're not connected to that but
17:06
I'm not trying to be your dad because like I don't give a
17:09
shit, you know, like so that's not how you may mean it but that
17:12
may be how it's taken. So you don't have to say these
17:15
extra things, unless, of course, the kids like, you know, my dad,
17:18
then you feel like I'm not trying to be your dad.
17:19
I just love you. And I want to be here for you
17:21
and whatever way that you want to be close.
17:24
So, you know, things like that. So basically Blended families
17:28
can be very difficult. I haven't even gotten into
17:30
siblings. That could be hard as well.
17:32
Maybe I could do a later podcast on that.
17:34
Bless step-siblings bonus siblings, what have you?
17:38
But the main point with this is a simple one, but it can't be
17:43
overstated too much. Is the person needs to be a
17:48
positive necessary presence. Like like it's like if the kid
17:53
thinks everybody's life is better because this person is
17:57
here. Look, Mommy / daddy is happier,
18:00
you know, and this person helps out a lot and we like, do all
18:04
these Fun things together, you know, like, I see a lot of
18:07
people who instinctively know this, and they end up having
18:12
good relationships with step-siblings, not step-siblings
18:16
for my talking about with their step kids.
18:18
Like especially women will do this instinctively.
18:22
Like they will almost immediately start to like, you
18:25
know, cook more things, you know, meals and drive, the kids
18:30
more places and volunteer to help them with a diary.
18:34
My or whatever, you know like but men can like hang back a
18:38
little being skittish. I think honestly some of it in
18:42
today's culture is like they don't want to be seen as like
18:46
doing anything out of line. Like I feel like people really
18:50
underestimate the amount that like a man is kind of taught.
18:54
Like don't touch your kids. Don't get close to kid.
18:57
You could be considered aggressive dangerous.
18:59
God forbid, even even something bad sexually.
19:02
So like a lot of men, keeping more Distance the necessary in
19:06
this relationship and act. More kind of almost formal for
19:10
longer, which is why if that is the situation that you're in,
19:14
then you can definitely tell your partner.
19:17
You're a male partner know you can you know, go over.
19:20
She looks like she little at my seven-year-old daughter here.
19:23
Looks like she'd like you to put her, you know, to carry her up
19:27
the stairs to bed, like she likes that, you know, she likes,
19:30
you know to to play, you know, Dress-up dolls with you.
19:36
Like why don't you sit down and play Barbie looks like she wants
19:38
you to. So, you know, you can try to get
19:41
in on that and try to make everything Easier by smoothing
19:44
that out. And the more that you talk about
19:46
how much you love your partner. Then the easier it is for your
19:50
kids to understand that they are important and that they are a
19:54
good person and that they make you happy.
19:56
So in my own situation, like I feel like from the very
20:00
beginning, the children were saying that I would seem very
20:03
happy. P with my husband and that that
20:06
was that was considered to be a very good thing and that he
20:10
would come in and that he would help and I man I got no problem
20:14
asking for help. So that's why I feel so
20:17
confident. They're making all my podcast
20:19
episodes about how you should try to ask them for help because
20:22
I got this one, you know, this one, I can do it lately because
20:26
I got a lot of shit going on. So I got no problem asking for
20:29
help. So when the kids will come and
20:32
say, can you do XYZ to me? You like no es John, I can't.
20:36
And so if you do that enough, then you can start to say, oh,
20:40
well look like half the time. She says, go there.
20:42
She must a really trust him be. He's really helping with shit.
20:46
So, you know, like their kids aren't stupid.
20:49
Like they start to understand who is integral to the
20:52
functioning of the family unit. And so in your new family unit,
20:56
that's you and your new parent, you know, the other step step.
21:04
There. Of course, they still have
21:05
their, you know, your co-parent and some other home, you know,
21:08
across town or whatever. But the kids start to see.
21:11
Oh, we are a functional family unit.
21:13
I have two parents here that I can ask for help.
21:16
I have two parents here that play with me.
21:18
I've to parents here. That listen to me, etc, etc.
21:21
And over time, then your family unit will be kind of very
21:24
similar to if they were both of your biological children in an
21:28
ideal situation. And of course, that only happens
21:32
over time times. Years than it will feel like
21:35
that. It can be quicker with a tiny
21:39
little child, you know, like a tiny little baby in those sorts
21:42
of situations. They kind of don't know what's
21:44
going on and they will bond very quickly, but with older
21:47
children, it can take years, you know, before they feel like
21:50
that. So the more that the kids sees
21:52
that the kids see that you love the stepparent the, you know,
21:55
your partner / their stepparent, the more.
21:58
They see that this person is an integral part of their life and
22:00
willing and able to help and to do things.
22:04
Things around the home that they need and it's somebody that you
22:07
rely on and Trust to help with things and then the more they're
22:11
encouraged to be affectionate and to be proactive in playing
22:16
and and saying I love you and saying nice things like don't
22:21
feel like you should ever stand on ceremony and just wait for
22:25
organically your partner to figure out the right way to talk
22:29
to your kids. You don't want to micromanage,
22:31
but you want to help them. So like if You know, for
22:35
example, that your son is like the kind of kid that would love
22:39
to just, you know, go outside and and play catch and your
22:46
partner thinks that your kid wants to, you know, whatever
22:52
play Monopoly. And you see your kid is kind of
22:55
like looking outside. Then you should give that
22:57
information to your partner, right?
23:00
And you want to be remarrying, a partner that would take this
23:03
information and On defensively. That's like a key trade to
23:06
remarrying with kids. As you got to be with somebody
23:09
nice right at non-defensive. So you would say in that case,
23:14
you know to your partner like hey, maybe you guys could just
23:18
pause on Monopoly because I think it's so nice.
23:20
So like, you know, Jimmy would probably want to go play catch
23:23
which you do so much better than me anyway, so why don't y'all go
23:26
outside and do that? And if you're, you know, partner
23:30
isn't an idiot. He'll be like, okay, Jimmy, you
23:32
know, I don't go outside and play.
23:34
Catch with Jimmy, so especially at the beginning over time, like
23:38
in three years, you're not going to have to say this, but in the
23:41
very beginning, you can facilitate much better and
23:43
directions. If you are free with the kind of
23:47
the tips and tricks about your kids.
23:50
So anyhow, hope that this gave you even a little bit of extra
23:55
fun stuff that you had not thought about before that you
23:58
could discuss with your partner. If you're in this situation and
24:02
or on the other side, sometimes people.
24:04
Tummy the podcast, really make them realize what's going wrong
24:07
and their situation, and potentially stuff that they
24:11
could do better. So either you have something to
24:15
work on or you're kind of recognizing.
24:17
Whoa, things are worse than I thought?
24:19
Or in some great cases. People are thinking, oh, things
24:21
are better than I thought, like, because I have this in the bag,
24:24
like, we're already doing all of this stuff and do not
24:27
underestimate that as a mood lifter is, though if I do
24:31
podcasts and you're like, man, I'm fucking doing that already.
24:34
Abu, Jama rock stars, and that's totally going to make your day
24:37
and you should share it with your partner so that you guys
24:39
could Pat each other on the back.
24:41
And that is a bonding moment. Alright, guys.
24:44
Hope you enjoyed and talk to you soon.