Latest / The Habit Lab / How-to feel Insecure and still act Securely: talent show life lesson

Transcript

How-to feel Insecure and still act Securely: talent show life lesson · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: So join me, Jenna Zint, habit coach, teacher, and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Habit Lab.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is, as always, straight hot off the presses of my own life.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But the title of this episode is You Don't Have to Partner with Your Insecurities.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it comes from very fresh, very fresh uh situations in my life that has been popping up and I've been slowly managing myself towards it.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or like I guess the big idea would be that you can feel insecure and not partner with it, so that you don't have to actually feel secure to behave securely, which was a mind-blowing like concept a couple years ago when the Lord was showing me this, or I thought all these confident people doing these big things had secure confidence and security before they did the big things, versus like, oh, actually, like you could feel insecure and nervous and uncomfortable and out of your comfort zone and not partner with it.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was almost like, I don't know, if you feel when you get bit with a mosquito bite, you could feel the sting and want to itch it, but choose to manage yourself to not scratch it because you know, all the reasons that could make it worse or aggravate it.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my gosh, this is baffling.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that you could feel that you could feel insecurity pop up, but choose to not partner with it.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that I again the same concept.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel, you don't have to feel secure to behave securely.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Insecurity can show up like in all sorts of ways.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna talk about some of the different uh I always say flavors, I should choose a different word, but like the different personalities that insecurity can take or show up with different people.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but learning to recognize it without allowing it to dictate our responses is black belt level, which I'm I'm not saying I've arrived.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just didn't know it was possible until the Lord was taking me on this journey a couple years ago.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then this, um, I'm gonna talk to you about hosting my kids' talent show, and it's been this week or this fall, and it's been lots of fresh opportunities for choosing it.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's like carving new pathways of like, I am feeling insecure.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to process it, I'm gonna look at it, and then I'm gonna choose how I'm gonna show up, even if this thing is, you know, like the bite on my leg is screaming to be itched.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to manage myself in the middle of it to tell myself what to do and not to do.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: So um, yeah, let's jump in.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: I am planning my kids' talent show at their school.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Their school's a big public school, K through eighth.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: It actually includes the high school.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And um, my kids have actually participated in this the last like four or five years.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Before we had the capacity, we there's a season where we were building our business, and then my kids' age level, we did not have the we took out all after school activities and sports.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: We tried a few when they were little, and none of my kids naturally like loved it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So then I was like, okay, this is actually sinking our ships without a lot of fruit.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna pause.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the things that arose, I find little, I found little micro ways to get them to like explore like talents on their life or you know, have some little moments without it being a full season commitment was this talent show at our kids' school because they have to do an audition, then they have one dress rehearsal, and then they have the talent show.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: So that's like three things.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And in that season we didn't have the capacity to do dance or any other kind of like show thing.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I was like, oh, this is great.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is like a mini version, so I'm gonna do it.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then it it just transformed to my kids loving their school talent show.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: We've been in it every year since then, and it's almost become this bit of a legacy because Audrey was Audrey and Rosie can't remember, were the first one to do it.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then when Wesley became old enough in school, it the conversation at the Zent House is not, will we be in the talent show?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's like what is everybody gonna do in the talent show?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And they practice, they pick their song.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I think they're already talking about their their we haven't had 2026s yet, and they're already talking about their 2027 act because that is that is the level of buy-in and family culture that we have around this silly little cute talent show.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that being said, it's been a really big win and it's really fun.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the last couple years, they've done like one year.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, it was really cool.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Rosie didn't make it one year because she didn't plan ahead and she communicated with me that she didn't want to do it.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then we're driving up to the auditions that Audrey's gonna do, and she's burst into tears.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's probably like first grade, she was pretty little, and she was like, I thought, you know, it just came out that she thought, even though she said she didn't want to do it, she I made her an audition spot anyways.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so then I was like, Well, what would you do?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, Gymnastics.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: The girl had not taken a gymnastic class in her life.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I had like this moment in the parking lot of like, am I gonna do it or not?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she says no gymnastics, do I fight it?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I just have this like, you know, kind of Holy Spirit mom moment where I was like, actually, I'm gonna let her practice and I'm gonna let them turn her down, and I'm not gonna buffer her from that experience.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think she'll actually grow and learn.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm gonna make them be the feedback people instead of me being the feedback person and say no in this moment.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly what happened.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: She went in.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: I like actually popped in before Audrey's audition.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, hey, I got a weird request.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Can I let my first grader do some summer alls, say that it's gymnastics, and then y'all clearly are probably gonna decide to not have her in the show and let me parent that retroactively.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do you mind if I squeeze her in real quick for something that I don't anticipate working?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, they kind of were like, What?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, Okay, sure.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure they fully understood what I was asking.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: She goes in, she literally does a couple somersauls.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I wasn't allowed to be in it, so she told me about it after the fact.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a closed audition, and then she uh did a couple somersauls or like spins or like kicks or whatever, and then she realized she had this moment in real time realizing I don't actually know how to do gymnastics.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, There's only three judges, they were all like faculty, so it was like a little lower stakes for her, but you know, I mean, it was still embarrassing.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, she stopped and she said to them, her little first grade Rosie self was like, I realize I don't know gymnastics.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, Okay, and they were so kind, and then she left, and if sure enough, she did not get into the talent show.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: But what that catapulted was a conversation.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I got the email and told her, and she was like, Yeah, she was sad.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I was I'd kind of made space to like process it and talk through it with her.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, I was like, What are you thinking?
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: What are you feeling?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And she was like, honestly, it makes sense.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know gymnastics, I should not be in the talent show doing something I don't know how to do.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Oh, oh, that's a lot of wisdom from a first grader.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: But then she said, I'll just be more prepared next year and I'll figure out what I want to do.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So then that set that went from my kids being in the talent show, I think that was the second year Audrey had done it, to this upgrade of intentionality and like practice and rehearsal and picking their song.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it like, it was such a cool in real-time experience of not being the bad guy, not rescuing my kids from consequences, letting someone out, let them experience natural consequences.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then it really made Rosie so much better.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So then she made up a dance with a friend, she taught it, she recorded herself doing it, invited the like six or seven girls in our school who we know to do it with her.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: We had little costumes and it was adorable.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then last year, something similar, and then this year they have 15 people in it, and Wesley's in it, and Rosie and Audrey in it, and Audrey's the choreographer, and she made the video to send out for the practice.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's just been so cool watching my kids it be a whole the three of them experience and then lead others and develop outside of like you know, the four minutes they're on the actual stage, develop other kids.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so that being said, it's really my kids love it, look forward to it, and it's a big part of their school year.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, fast forward, I found out that the teachers who've done it in the past did not have the capacity, and the talent show was not gonna happen this year unless a parent did it.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I do not.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Jenna's in over here to podcasts, teaching stuff at our own church, working, doing two new classes.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: I did not have the capacity to also run a talent show.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: But we get to the meeting, and I was helping, we had like 50 plus parents, and we're voting on who's gonna fill what role for the theater department for our school, because our our school, our kids' school is a performing arts um school.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, hang with me.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: We are getting to the detail.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: I just had to have to set up a little bit.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: So um, and I'm on stage and we're trying to fill all the roles, and the last one was this talent show chairperson, and nobody would do it.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I like I was the auctioneer, if you will, trying to get people to volunteer, and I was trying my darndest, and finally, like, no one did.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it was kind of funny because all the other roles had been filled pretty easily, but this one, this one's the biggest outside of the president.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and no one did, and I was like, in the microphone on the podium on the stage, I'm like, well, I tried.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'll do it.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: I will be the talent show chairperson.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but that being said, what that meant is I chose I had to be okay saying yes to something I could only do a C level job.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: So what it doesn't mean is I'm gonna tank my sleep or give away Saturday.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: We only have like a half day Sabbath on Saturday.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna give any hours away of that.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like there were no extra margins, very few margins that I could give to this, like bits of time.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that meant that I'm going to do C level compared to some of the some of the past ones have been huge, and they have headshots and they have little videos about their talent.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't have the capacity for any of that.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: But if no one else, if it's either gonna die and not happen, or I do it and my kids love it, I will do it, but I'll have to do it at a C.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it is so, so much, so many opportunities, if you can imagine, for doing something less than it's been done in the past when it's a hundred, I heard what somebody say once, like giving something 40%, but when that 40% is actually a hundred percent of the left time capacity or energy you have to give, and people don't see that because all they see is the 40%, or they don't know that cost you everything, like you sold your house and your mom's wedding ring to give that 40%, you know?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been this tension of like a couple weeks, probably like six weeks of giving it all that I had the capacity to give and doing way less of a good job than last year, and then having uh there's 24 acts in the talent show, having 20 of four other families experience my C-level work.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: It has bred so many opportunities for insecurities, you guys.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of where this episode comes from is learning to not partner with your insecurities.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it's come from some of my observations about other parents and how the different flavors of insecurity and how it pops up.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and then the last thing so far did a bunch of planning in August and then spread the word auditions were three days after school in September.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've never asked, I've never rented a room at the school, I've never had to ask faculty to volunteer their time, which will not get paid to be, you know, all these things, head-done.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this week is the dress rehearsal, and I did not anticipate.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I was like, okay, I'm on a big learning curve in front of people.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: That naturally presents opportunities for insecurities.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just uncomfortable.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's uncomfortable because they don't know I'm giving 100% of what I have.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It just kind of looks like a mid-level job.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: So being misunderstood at a wide scale and even perceived, potentially perceived as being incompetent or lazy, or, you know, I could fill in the blank with potential judgments that people could have about me.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I have to say it's been very convicting because I'm like, oh, where have I actually accidentally experienced sea level work from someone and assumed or had these low-key subtle judgments about their effort when I maybe didn't know the whole story.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been a little, it's been convicting being in the opposite shoe in this scenario.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: But this week with the dress rehearsals, y'all, I got like put if I was like waiting in the pool of insecuritess potential, I got like pushed into the pool.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like as a backwards prank, did not see it coming.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because dress rehearsals, first off, I have zero musical inclination.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've never played an instrument, I've never sang.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot do either of those things.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I have no experience.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And here I am not understanding the fullness of as the leader of the dress rehearsal, they're like, where do I put my backup imp?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or how do I they're I'm laughing at this voice, it makes them sound like 30-year-old surfer musicians who sidegig as guitarists.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I that's the sound I heard in my head, but really they're like nine-year-olds with bass guitars.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, like they're asking me these questions that are pretty straightforward and are exactly what you should be figuring out in dress rehearsal.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I don't even know what you mean, let alone how to answer that question, let alone who I would ask on staff to answer the question I don't understand.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So this week has been like next level.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday I had three hours of it.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Today I have three hours.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: We have like 20.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was only like four or five people who showed up yesterday.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think we've 20 acts today.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but as I was the point of this, of all the insecurity that was coming up, I was processing it as I could feel um headed towards the afternoon and hosting this thing.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: I could feel it all pop up.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I it's interesting how sometimes if you don't get curious and dig a few levels deeper, I could have just said I felt stressed because part of that is true.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have a lot of time and I need to do something that's time like consuming, so that could be a stress.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: But like getting more self-aware to notice, like, oh, outside of stress, almost like what else, like what are the nuances of the emotions that are popping up and realizing, like, oh, I actually feel uncomfortable doing a C-level job and I feel insecure about interacting with parents in a outside of doing a C-level job already with the communication, interacting with them in an area that I'm supposed to be leading that I don't have knowledge in.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, the the emotional climate inside of me is not just stress.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's actually like uncomfortable stretching insecurity here.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that was just a so then before I went in, I actually before I like I did not even, you know, like I said, I don't have a ton of time and I was like trying to fit this in in the bits and pieces of between coaching and I volunteer in Wesley's class.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I just knew I actually took 15 minutes to process this because I was like, if I that's the thing about insecurity, if you don't, if you don't recognize it, if you don't notice where it's coming from and rooted from, it will just take over you, like almost like takes over the operating system.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would have acted out of insecurity the whole time or even just tried to keep it at bay.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: But but the reason I made time, I carved out 15 minutes to sit with it, to listen to what it was saying, to decide what I was gonna do about it, to kind of have an answer for when it's like chirping in my ear, how I'm gonna silence it.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I would not have been able to manage myself.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the thing is sometimes we try to do it in real time, but simply noticing it, increasing your self-awareness, sitting with it, process it, get an answer for it, so that then when I'm in that situation, I'm not trying to deal with it in real time in front of people.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've already kind of dealt with it.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have my answer preloaded in my pocket, and then I'm gonna pull it out internally, how I'm gonna manage myself, what I'm reminding myself to be true about my C level work, and that I don't have to, it's okay if they don't understand me.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna fawn, you know, all these things.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful I took that 15 minutes to kind of sit with my insecurity, listen to it, answer it, heal parts of it, speak truth to other parts, and then preload what I'll say when it flares in real time with other adults.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Woo-hoo-hoo, y'all, lots of, lots of um opportunities.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my next point.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: The two extremes of insecurities, specifically for me, what I noticed that pop up.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: So either when I make a mistake, like um, I corrected an error on one of the graphics I made, I made it with the wrong dates, and then I went back and corrected with the right dates, and then I sent out the email with the wrong old graphic.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: Cool, cool, cool.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I got so many emails about it's the wrong graph, you know, the wrong date.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yes, yes, this is true.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are right.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I did catch that, and I still made the mistake twice.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Cool.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: But the the extremes of insecurity when you make a mistake or you feel embarrassed.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: My two personal tempting responses are one.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: My first one is probably going to shame fawning.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: So that would be like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm what a dum-dum.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can't read.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm terrible at this.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Admin's not my strength.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to do my best.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, don't be mad at me.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'm sorry, I'm sorry for the trouble it caused.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but it's not just a one and done.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's this like anxious energy behind it.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I usually do a few of those.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: So like the shame, embarrassment of in of making a mistake.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um the root of that kind of is please don't think poorly of me or don't be mad at me.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: I would say even be mad at me would probably be more true even than just how I want you to perceive me.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other extreme that I go to that I was noticing popping up as I was navigating all this is defensiveness.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe Fawn comes up first where I'm like, oh, it's embarrassing.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I didn't make that mistake.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then this other part that slowly rises up, it's like, I don't need this.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody, I have no time for this.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: I am a volunteer.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm probably three times as busy as you are.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, see, it's not a pretty voice.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm being very honest over here.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but no one else would do it, you know?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like defensiveness, I call it like that one's defensiveness or martyrdom.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: We can do that really easy when we feel insecure or feel embarrassed about a mistake.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: We go, it's like one end of the extreme, shame, fawn, like grovel.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, right.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so silly.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, I'm not gonna add med to wait a minute.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know I don't want this job, anyways.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: None of you would do it.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: And now like chill out, because I'm doing the best I can.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like that extreme flipping from one to the other.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: So then I notice those two, and then I like pull myself back to the middle, like, hey, actually, yep, you are doing C level.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I'm proud of you because that's the only thing you have in you to give.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: So you're giving 100%, even though it's a C.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay that they don't understand.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can give them sometimes I'll I'll think of it, you guys have heard me say 50 cents, because it just means a very small token.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give them 50 cents of an explanation, but I won't let myself fawn.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: So usually I won't overly apologize.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'll say one thing, but I don't get to like almost like dig a hole of hoping to get to understanding, nor will I come in hot because they don't know how much I'm giving.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: So those are my two extremes.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, both responses really, though, are attempt attempts to manage how people perceive me or they think about me, or how they feel about me, I would say.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: And they're both rooted in like that fear, which I guess insecurity really is just fear of looking inadequate, looking foolish, or being people being disappointed in me, which the fawn shame lady and then the defensive martyr, neither of those are the kind of person I want to be.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if I don't process ahead of time, they're gonna those protective versions of myself from protecting me from the mistake I made between the person and me, those are gonna pop up unless I choose the third option, which in this scenario, well, I guess in general, when you make a mistake or you're embarrassed or inadequate, is humility without shame.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's ownership without defensiveness.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: So it could look like I don't know how I tend to think is like I don't need to grovel and I don't need to build a case against them.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: I could simply say something like, I missed it, thanks for letting me know.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what, you know, like here's the correct information, or please sign up when you can.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: So like I missed it, thanks for the info, and here's what we do from here.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And like that's enough.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to convince them that I'm good.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can don't have to convince them that I did actually try to proofread it, or I'm working hard.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need them to be grateful for what I'm doing.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just taking responsibility for a bit of my mistakes without making those mistakes, my identity is where like the the difference of I can feel insecure without actually partnering with insecurity.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so thinking of a variety of ways, personalities, trying to not use my favorite word flavors, because I think I have four other episodes in our podcast called The Flavors of Comfort, The Flavors of Defensiveness, whatever.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not gonna say flavors.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: This is my oath to myself.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, um, what got interesting though, as I went into the talent show, having done some of this work and noticing insecurity in the two extremes that wanted to pop up at me, I started then seeing it so plainly in the parents that were coming up and the different flavors of insecurity, because some of them haven't done it before, some of them are trying their best, some of them miss some information.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like they also have their half of the yard of this, of this interaction and the talent show that they came in.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: And having done the work on my own, I was like, oh, I could see it differently on different people.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to think often like of our own insecurity, but watching it manifest a bit on other people.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: And insecurity, again, I hope by this point in the episode you realize I'm not talking about just someone who's timid or lacks confidence.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Insecurity could be loud.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: I actually think those are the harder people when insecurity shows up because it's not soft, it's usually maybe aggressive or wants to blame or is looking for the person to own their mistakes.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: It can be controlling, it's definitely defensive.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um I can even, oftentimes, honestly, I would say that that louder insecurity.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: Looks like really competent people.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the tender underbelly is they don't want to miss it.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: They don't want to have made a mistake.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: They tried their best.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if your error causes an error on them, they need you to own it because they didn't make the mistake.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you're like, oh, okay.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I started making like a little bit of a list of the different ways that personalities and insecurity can show up.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: So for one, the overapologizer, which would be fawn.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the worst.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I mess these things up all the time.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or the defensive martyr, which was like my um my one, the other extreme.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have any idea how much I've sacrificed?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing all of this for you.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: The anxious controller.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, why wasn't this communicated earlier?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have all the information.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: That was not clear in the email.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, the next one.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, the excuse maker.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh if I had more time, or if I'd known sooner, obviously this would have been better.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you just give us a little more time on stage, we could um, we probably could do this totally different.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or if we had more money, but it's just what it is.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, the perfectionist.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: I won't let anyone see this until I know I can do it right.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're not ready.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: They're un, it's almost like they're unwilling.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: They're probably the most stubborn on some level because they won't collaborate or budge sometimes because they won't risk being seen before it's ready or developed.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, the people pleaser.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you need.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: We can do it again.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: We can come an hour early.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I could do it by myself by the side of the road.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even have to be there.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm kidding.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: But like I can make anything work.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number seven, the avoider.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this is sometimes what I do too.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe more than more than two of these might be my flavors as well.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe if I don't respond or deal with it, it'll go away.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I won't pick a sign-up time because we really haven't practiced, but then I'll do it at the last minute, and that's all that's left.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: So then it's the best I can.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing else left, but the kind of avoidance in me was self-protecting in that way.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um the comparer.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Gosh, everybody else seems to know what they're doing.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: Why I'm the only one struggling.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: Why haven't I figured this out yet?
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: The blamer, number nine.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: This wouldn't have happened if you've done your part.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you had sent the email on time, if you had double checked, if you had reminded us again, we would have absolutely been there.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: So when people go, so it's usually dot dot dot dot dot.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you hear your guilt?
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do you hear the blame?
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: Please own your portion.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: You are the guilty party.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: You are the weakest link.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Goodbye.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh number 10, the over-explainer, which also maybe is me a little bit.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: They're kind of a couple that would be fawn in here, I would say.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: I almost almost wonder if it's just if I looked or thought a little longer, if we could find the four triggered responses, which are fawn, fight, flight, freeze, and how they manifest how insecurity looks on them, you know, like almost through those four lenses, but I didn't think I had enough to think of that.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, the next one is the over explainer.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's the final one on my list.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, okay, tell me every single reason why that happened, so I understand.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that way you'll know it really, really wasn't my fault.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: So that would be, and our our car broke down, and then I called my husband, but it wasn't available.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: So then we're gonna take a bus, but then I realized my car could work if I found the spared keys.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: So then we found the spare keys, but I wasn't feeling great, and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna do it anyways, and here we are.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And again, none of these, I'm not actually trying to sound judgmental to them.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to laugh.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you identify one of the 10 of the ones when insecurity pops up, what it might sound like for you, like what maybe your go-to would be.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but again, important nuance.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: These are not personality diagnoses, they're really just like ways and ways that it can sound like and show up when insecurity.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same behavior, but it can come from different motives or and there are people who even for me, I actually like information because I like to understand.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: But the interesting part is it's pretty subtle.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's like subtle, really high self-awareness for me to notice the difference when it came it's coming from, oh, I just I'd like a little more to understand, versus I'm trying to find security by having all of the pieces so that I don't miss something or not know makes me look foolish.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think it's actually for some of us, that's a really fine line, and probably all of these could have levels of health, and then they cross the line to be unhealthy, you know.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the idea is really to learn when fear is driving our response.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of looking inadequate, fear of making a mistake, fear of missing important or missing details.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Insecurity does not always have to make us smaller.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, some of the flavors might make us louder, but it can manifest in a variety of ways.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: It can manifest as control, perfectionism, anger, avoidance, people pleasing, self-deprecation.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: The common thread though is really like this fear around our performance, our competence, our worth, our knowledge, how we're perceived.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I just kind of notice and ask myself, like, oh, what am I trying to protect right now?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm, okay, what am I trying?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the next time you feel yourself like insecurity popping up, uncomfortable, discomfort, when you're on a learning curve, when you're feeling inadequate or looking foolish, like, oh, oh, okay, what am I trying to protect right now?
• 30:18
  unknown: Okay.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then last one is now, like I said, some of that list was from some of the talent show.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: After I'd done my own work, I could I could notice the flavors having a few parents come in in a row and I'm like, oh, they're feeling it too, but it just looks a little different on them than it is for me.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's just the different levels of preparedness, like the way over prepared because they don't want to make a mistake or look foolish.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that usually is like control and type A and actually some anxiety around it and then lots of expectations, sometimes just for themselves, but a lot of times those kind of people have really intense expectations for other people too.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um of it looked like I said, like wanting more and more and more information and taking notes to take notes and sending emails to you're like, okay, okay.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, others apologizing unnecessarily.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: But it was just so fascinating because I had done the work being like watching it on the people.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then some of the more aggressive ones I had to choose, like it's almost provoking.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it would prov it'd be so easy.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: They almost provoked my insecurity more to respond, which I would have responded in defensiveness, not the soft one.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: But the the other flavors of the parents' insecurities that were tender, so like the people pleaser or the self-deprecating or the over-explaining, that drew me in in a way that I I wanted to take care of them.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just funny because they're both I'm I'm trying to grow, that's probably in the last like year or two, in being kind and gentle, even when people's insecurity is aggressive and it's attacking.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh, actually, there's some fear under there, and I can take care of fear, and also it does not how they perceive me or what they're trying to corner me into admitting or taking blame for.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I if I never get on the witness stand or just don't participate in that kind of like whose fault is this courtroom, I can give care to their heart and usually diffuse it in a way that's so much more effective because I'm I'm coming from a place of I already decided, I'm already I'm aware I'm not enough.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need, I'm not trying to pretend that I'm not, nor am I trying to grovel or apologize for this.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I one of the parents last night was more aggressively insecure and and pretty defensive and definitely overprepared and a ton of questions and kept trying to like subtly blame me pretty often.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I kept on being like, okay, nope, nope, it's almost like the insecurity in me that I had put the lid on kept popping off different times.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, nope, nope, we're putting that lid back on.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're not acting out of that.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: We can engage with her, not engaging through our insecurity.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: And um, anyways, but then the cool part was at the end when I was performing, I just or they were performing at a beat where I was not talking, I was just looking at them, and the Lord was like, She's just trying to be such a good mom.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wonder if you, instead of being annoyed or like, wow, I had to work really hard to not take your attacks or accusations, I wonder if you can actually just give her some identity for what you're seeing and observing because it's almost like hugging a porcupine is what I think.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like they really want care, they want to feel safe, they too are looking for security, but their choice on how it manifests actually kind of pushes people away.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been on this growth path with the Lord of like being able to hug porcupines to oversimplify it.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, so then it was cool.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like stunning, it's not like she I gave her some kind words about what I was seeing and what I saw.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she's she softened a bit, but it's not like it unlocked her heart, and then we had this cool God moment where I got to tell her who she was.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: But it was cool being like it was such a real life almost experiment of feeling insecure, then seeing how other people's insecurity manifested and choosing ahead of time to like deal with mine and kind of settle my insecurity so that as the waves of theirs came through and the different varieties and personalities of it, I could not partner with it.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying I did a 100% of a good job.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely not.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely room for growth over here.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm like, man, if I hadn't done the work beforehand, I would have shown up in an insecure footing, and then their insecurity would have been like an explosion, like a chemical reaction of the two insecurities, which is really what happens so much when we miss each other in these kind of moments.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: So the basic habit I want you to walk away with is getting deeper, not just stress, but realizing when insecurity of potentially being inadequate, not knowing what you're doing, being out of your comfort zone is popping up, practicing sitting with it, naming even just like practically naming the fear.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm afraid of looking uncompetent.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm afraid of disappointing people, I'm afraid of someone being upset with me.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm afraid of making mistakes publicly, all these things.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then decide won't you won't, what you won't do to partner with it.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I have almost like boundaries for myself around it.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, you get to apologize once, but not profusely apologize to manage someone else's opinion or to alleviate the the awkwardness.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm not gonna become defensive even if someone is trying to give me blame.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to pick it up or interact with it.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm not actually gonna blame others to protect my own image.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because partly sometimes I would like to say, well, I didn't get the email from the music teacher, so I don't know.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds so subtle, but a lot of times what I find buried under there, deeper, maybe not even level two, but level four, is ooh, if I give you a little bit of this information, you'll not think so poorly of me.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: You'll remember there's other people, and that's not terrible, but specifically yesterday I was practicing just being come being okay with people not understanding the effort or the cost and being misunderstood.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think that is really part of this too, and the insecurity is being okay and losing our allergy for being perceived inaccurately or foolishly.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to manage how you you see me.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and instead choosing my response in advance.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of I'm terrible at this, admin's not my strength, I missed it.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for letting me know.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or you have no idea how much I've done, um, saying, Okay, here's what I'm able to offer you, or here's what we could do, instead of this is my fault, saying, Let's see what we can do from here.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or I should have known.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's new information for me.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like literally all of these are different email or or conversations I've had.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: So my hope when you guys are listening to this, the next time any of the insecurity pops up, whatever the scenario is, you do a bit of work to dig under it, to find the fear, to sit with it, to release it, to actually be proud of yourself, to remind yourself of truth.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like some of mine was like, I think it's actually really beautiful that even though you're only doing C-level work, you are willing to do work when you don't have the time for your kids and for other people's kids.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually true.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay if not everyone sees it that way or would agree with that or is gonna understand that.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: That is true.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the Lord thinks of me.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's my that was why my yes, what my yes is rooted in.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I can like anchor myself in that truth internally, like it's an internal security, um, even if I can't manage their understanding or misunderstanding of it.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then last would be so like processing ahead of time, getting to a place of security internally, so that then when the thing gets pinged in real time with someone else, or maybe their insecurity tries to hit yours, you know, uh, and you get the choice to scratch the itch, you've already decided how you're gonna respond.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you can apologize once and then redirect.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you didn't know, here's what you're gonna say when you didn't know, or when you find out new information, or when you, yeah, all the things having them preloaded so that insecurity doesn't take over, that you've already chosen how you're gonna manage yourself.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's just beautiful.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I I'm actually gonna pray because I feel like there's so many opportunities here for us to almost like break up with the cycle of how often missing each other or fear or uncomfortable or managing the perception of how they see us or um being understood, like really trying to be understood in your effort or gosh, skill or lack thereof or circumstances.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, wow, what would it look like if we all left some of that drive, that fear?
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like fear putting the gas pedal on the drive to be to overexplain, to over-apologize, to blame, to get defensive, and we just kind of lost some of our allergies to that.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like that would sh change the game for our interactions with folks in some tense moments.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna pray.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: Holy Spirit, I thank you that you show us how to look at our internal world and not actually like you made our brains to have that space of self-control where we could feel something, we could notice something happening in us, and still choose how to manage ourselves otherwise.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean it's this beautiful, I don't know, I'm thinking ice skating, like pirouette, and we switch directions on a dime and it's smooth sailing that you actually created us to have that choice that to be possible.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes it looks like almost like running through water.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: It could be resistance and it could be hard, but you value our hearts to lose fear as a motivator or fear as a voice that would tell us about who we are or how other people see us, like that.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: You say that that effort is so beautiful to you.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not about doing it quickly or right the first time or easy, but us making efforts to be like we refuse to partner with fear.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: We actually don't, fear never tells us who we are or is true about what we have to bring or offer or what we're going through.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: So our dedication to not let fear run our inner worlds and actually remanually override our thoughts to be anchored in truth and security, and then be able to give that away to other people.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, let us perpetuate the kingdom in this way as we show up in security, and then we can give it away freely to other people.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.