Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Stop Only Doing Stuff You Hate With Your Kids

Transcript

Stop Only Doing Stuff You Hate With Your Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be tackling the topic of when
• 0:11
  parents only do stuff that they hate doing with their kids and
• 0:15
  then by the law of syllogism, they end up hating their life
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  because when you do things that you hate, you end up hating your
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  life globally and nobody wants hanging out with your kids to
• 0:25
  make you feel like jumping out a window.
• 0:28
  So before we get to that, please do subscribe, my most recent
• 0:32
  subscriber episode is on when Entered marriages actually work
• 0:38
  and you'll be interested on to hear my thoughts on that because
• 0:42
  I am usually very against the child centered marriage.
• 0:45
  All right. So, what do I mean by doing
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  stuff you hate? So let me tell you what a lot of
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  my clients lives. Look like they go to the kids
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  sports, then they go to their kids, extracurriculars of some
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  other sort, you know, random thing.
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  Drop them off at a different sort of class, or a different,
• 1:01
  sort of enrichment activity. Then they drive the Hang out
• 1:05
  with a child's friends. And if the child is young
• 1:07
  enough, you also have to stay there too.
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  But you don't necessarily like those people.
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  Those are just your kids friends parents, but you have to stay
• 1:14
  there, sometimes you get to drop them off and then if you're
• 1:16
  lucky, you get to like really like playing a Tetris of your
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  schedule really excellently. And you can like, slot in some
• 1:23
  other errands, while your kid is doing some other thing, this
• 1:26
  just sounds like trash, right? But yet, it is what so many
• 1:30
  people's lives are, like, because the entire weekend and
• 1:33
  every evening, pretty Much is about what the kids want to do.
• 1:37
  Now if you are only always shepherding, your kids to do
• 1:41
  shit that you hate doing, then you are necessarily not going to
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  come off as a very happy adult. Which reflects, you know, which
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  I talked about one of my other podcasts about show your kids.
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  What a happy adult looks like, which many people don't know how
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  to do sadly, because they never saw any happy adults in their
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  family of origin. So what could you do instead of
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  doing only things that you hate with your kids?
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  Maybe you could do some things you like to do with your kids.
• 2:07
  So here are some examples, some people can work out with their
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  kids. Some people can go if they like
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  to play certain games, they can play those games with their
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  kids, whether those are things like bowling or tennis, or
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  whether that's like Monopoly, sometimes people like to read
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  books to their kids, but they hate the books that the kid
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  picks. So then they end up hating
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  reading, which is stupid because you're doing the damn reading,
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  you could pick anything that you want.
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  You could pick sci-fi that you like you could pick like Like
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  fiction books that you like, I've read so many books to my
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  kids, that I've, like, throughout my life and we read
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  those together, you know, and they could be a little bit
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  higher level than like, your kids are.
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  I read my kids like The Hunger Games like three years ago or
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  something and my son was like 63 years ago but he liked to listen
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  to it. You know, why not.
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  So and that was one of my more child friendly ones.
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  I, I'm trying to remember right now.
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  Other thing, Let me think. Oh, I know room.
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  I read room with my daughter and she loved room and room is like
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  totally a book for adults about, like the kid in the room.
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  You know, they made a movie out of it, super good book and it
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  was like, really interesting but yeah.
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  So I definitely liked reading room and then that became like
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  one of her favorite books. Now we watch the movie but so if
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  you're going to do stuff with your kid then do stuff that you
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  like to do. Guys are better at this than
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  women you know because guys like sports a lot of the time and I'm
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  sure this is, you know, terribly unpeaceful.
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  See I don't give a shit because I'm a woman and I know a lot of
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  women who really don't like doing sports with the kids as
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  much as the guys do. So I assume that that is not
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  unique to me. So if your husband likes to, you
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  know take the kid out and play catch great, but you don't
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  really like to play catch. So then you don't end up doing
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  anything that you like to do, then you're just like
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  shepherding the kid around. And then you're saying, oh, I
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  really like to watch. Them play sports.
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  Okay. I have you know, kids who do
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  things and you like to watch them do things but after some
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  years you know that can get a little bit old because all
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  you're actually doing is sitting there and watching and it's nice
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  to sit and watch and it's supportive but if you never do
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  anything that you particularly like to do then you yourself are
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  never your never showing your kid, what it looks like for an
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  adult to enjoy doing something. You know where as if you are
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  actually doing things that you liked whether that's a crafting
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  thing. You were cooking or you are
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  baking or you were even just taking a walk or anything that
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  you like to do, then they get to see a happy adult.
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  And a lot of people say things will I want to take a walk with
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  my kids but they won't go. They will go.
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  If they don't have a screen, they will usually go.
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  So you can always feel free to limit something.
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  You don't want your kid to do. So they could do something that
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  you do want them to do such as well.
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  You're not going to play Xbox. Now, because I really want to
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  take a walk and I want to share that with you.
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  So we're going to take a walk. I mean beyond the scope of this
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  specific episode of a podcast is the idea of an eye.
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  You know references a lot and stop letting your trip.
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  Kids treat you like garbage but the fact that you need to be
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  kind of in control of what happens in your environment,
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  meaning, that you are somebody who can say, we are doing X and
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  your kids will do X. So, if that is a level at which
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  you, you are not operating, then I will tell you that therapy can
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  be very Very useful about parenting issues like that.
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  If you have a lot of trouble with setting a frame and setting
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  rules and you always have and now it's the point where the
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  inmates are running the Asylum, then you need to kind of take it
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  back a notch and think about why can I never get my kid to
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  literally do anything? Sounds great for them to come
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  play tennis with me but they would never do that and they're
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  like, you know, eight or something, you know, like it's a
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  child. Like they're not like, you know,
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  18 and they're like, no thanks. I would rather go like Smoke
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  weed and have sex with my girlfriend which is like totally
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  understandable but eight years old, should do what you say.
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  You know, and anything within that range should pretty much
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  think that what you come up with us an idea is possibly fun but
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  irrespective of that it is what they are doing.
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  So you know, there is that as well.
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  And if there's as much interest in kind of how to set a frame
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  with your kids that they listen to you from you know, early
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  childhood than I can certainly talk more about that.
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  Although my parenting podcasts, are they?
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  Get as many listens as the ones with sex in the title or even
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  relationships in the title. But I do have a lot of that
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  stuff on my doctor, psych mom website, because, as I age and
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  my children age, I kind of, you know, I'm more interested in
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  whatever I'm going through which tends to be, what people find me
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  to talk about, you know, because people tend to want a therapist
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  who's appear in many ways. And so when I was younger and my
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  kids were younger, I had more stuff about discipline and
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  things like that. So that's all on Doctor.
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  Psych. Um, which I've been publishing
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  since 2014. But anyway, if you cannot find
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  something that you think you would like to do with your kid
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  because you don't like your kid, that's like a different problem
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  and that's like nothing to be ashamed about what would be
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  ashamed about is if you consistently sent your kid, I
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  don't like you, man. No, you're not allowed to say
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  that, you know, that's fucked up, but if you just don't like
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  your kids, and that is like a taboo subject that a lot of
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  people don't want to talk about, but it does not help anybody to
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  have a taboo subject that they can't talk about.
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  So more people than, you know, are in a situation where they
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  just can't get along with their kit and in that situation,
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  they're like, I don't care. What the hell activity, we could
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  be doing my cake to find a way to ruin it, and if you're in
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  that kind of situation, then you got to start very small.
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  So a tennis game is not what you're going to be doing.
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  It's like five minutes of watching YouTube together.
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  Can you find a YouTube video that you actually think is funny
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  that you could show your kid? I bet you could, if we're going
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  that granular and that little level and that's your sole task
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  is to find five minutes of something.
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  You actually think it's funny that your kid can think is funny
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  too so that you're not fake laughing.
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  Then I bet you could do it, you know.
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  And it's really like if you have to go to the level of TV then go
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  to TV, watch something you like to watch with your kit because
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  then it's like you're not sitting there like waiting to
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  die, you know, which is not a good look and does not make you
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  an active and engaged and happy parent, it makes you feel like
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  parenting is a slog and it makes you count down the minutes.
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  It's until it's bedtime and that is not the way that you want
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  your child to remember their childhood.
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  So let's even just start with the screen time stuff.
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  Find something that you like to do with your kid that involves
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  devices play chess with your kid.
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  Play a video game if your kid has video games, watch something
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  that you think is funny. Watch something that you used to
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  think was funny when you were a kid, watch a movie that you used
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  to like, when you were your kids age and use.
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  What somebody that isn't me. I think Janet Lansbury calls
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  confident. Item, which is kind of the
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  attitude that teachers have, which makes kids listen to them.
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  And I talked about how you could use this in relationships, I
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  have a pod post. I think about it dr.
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  Psych mom, it was like confident momentum plus knowing your
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  partner's love language. Can, you know, make everything
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  better or whatever. And so confident momentum is
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  when you kind of sweep in and you you basically act happy and
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  excited and then basically your kid just takes that mood and
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  runs with it. And that's Preschool teachers do
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  and hopefully teachers of older kids as well.
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  We're like hey everybody, we're going to play a game and then,
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  of course, everybody's excited to play a game.
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  Whereas if you come in and you're like, there's this game,
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  you're, you're probably not gonna like this.
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  But yeah, you know, I just just just, you know, go back to the
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  Xbox. I'll see you for dinner, you
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  know, then like of course your kid isn't gonna want to play
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  with you because you're not confident.
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  You don't have any sort of momentum behind you.
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  The kid doesn't even think you want to do it.
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  So then, Yeah. They're you're just basically
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  like waiting for them to reject you and especially this kids get
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  into adolescence a lot of parents have this kind of
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  self-effacing self-deprecating dynamic which they take to
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  excess because self-deprecating humors all well and good haha.
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  But you know they take it more like you hate me and that is
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  like a known condition and if you spend five minutes with me,
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  then that's a bonus, but overall you hate me and that's it.
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  The parent is projecting to the child and that usually comes
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  from the parents own low self-esteem.
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  And the parents rejection sensitivity.
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  So then they're putting out this.
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  They're basically rejecting the idea that the child could want
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  to spend time with them before the child can actually do it.
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  And so people do that with younger kids too.
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  So if you notice that and if that resonates with you, as a
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  dynamic that you do, then you should probably really work on
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  it because all you're doing, is teaching your kid to be a
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  rejecting asshole, you know, instead, if you put yourself out
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  there and like a happy, P. Kind of vulnerable way.
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  Like hey, you know, I was thinking I really want you to
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  watch this movie and I really want you to give it, you know,
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  at least a half an hour because it's not what you usually watch,
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  but I loved it when I was your age.
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  So that's what we're going to do right now.
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  Here's popcorn, we're going to watch this movie, that mommy,
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  liked or whatever, you know. So then you're coming in your
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  kind of assuming that they're going to like it kind of at
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  least that they're going to give it a chance.
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  And and the people here that are listening to Like really good
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  back and forth relationships with their kids or like, who are
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  these people who are scared of their kids.
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  I will tell you. It's the rest of the people
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  listening. Because so many people nowadays
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  are just scared of their kids. It's like it the pendulum over
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  song like people used to be afraid of their parents.
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  Well that's no good but what is not good to be scared of your
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  kids either, right? I mean that's even more bizarre
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  in a way because the kids are not supposed to be in charge in
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  any sense or setting any kind of rules yet?
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  I work with so many people and Gets particularly people with
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  low self-esteem, who never wanted to be rigid, never wanted
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  to be a fart. Aryan.
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  So then they swing over to permissive and then the kid just
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  kind of treats them like shit. And again I really tell you, you
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  should be listening to my podcast on.
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  Not letting your kids treat you like garbage if any of this
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  resonates with you. So what are our takeaways from
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  this globally do things with your kids that you like doing
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  things that you would do even if they weren't there, come into
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  those things with like a full heart and It momentum and sweep
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  in. And basically you know, act like
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  it's going to work act like they are going to enjoy it and or
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  that you will definitely enjoy doing it with them and like
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  don't take any shit. So like don't let the kid shit
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  all over your movie or your book or whatever.
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  Say you know that's not nice. I'm really trying to share this
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  with you. It's important to me, you know,
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  I've realized that we only watch the stuff that you want to watch
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  and then I don't ever get to tell you about the stuff that I
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  liked and so this is what we're doing.
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  Like really kind of narrate your internal experience to your kids
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  because you are who they learn from.
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  They don't know what you think. They know many times.
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  People think that a teenager or a tween is trying to be
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  disrespectful when they're just in a stage.
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  That is actually called healthy adolescent narcissism.
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  They're so solipsistic at that age that they cannot even
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  imagine what you're thinking. So you're getting your feelings
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  hurt. And all they think they did was
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  very obviously tell you. They didn't want to watch what
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  you both probably. It was a stupid movie that they
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  didn't want to watch. But in reality, you know, you
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  really wanted to show them, you know, like whatever the hell,
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  you know the movie that you liked as a kid my girl or
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  whatever. You know.
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  Like I'm trying to think of movies back from when we were
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  kids and you know then you get really hurt and you think it's
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  so obvious that they know that they hurt your feelings but
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  they're not even used to thinking of you as a person with
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  feelings, because you don't come out and say, oh, it's me.
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  I have feelings. I'm a person.
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  Instead you're like, oh where am I driving you today?
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  Sir and then of course, they don't think of you as a real
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  person. So, you know, it takes two to
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  raise an asshole, you know? It's like, well, really takes to
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  the mom and the dad, but anybody, at least in this
• 14:17
  situation, we're thinking maybe some kids are more rude and self
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  selfish than others. Cool.
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  You know, but who makes them like that who enables it.
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  The parent that is self-effacing to the point of self Erasure and
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  that does not help any child to have.
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  Parents personality erased, people, come into therapy and a
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  really big thing that adults yearn for and wish for is that
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  they had understood their parents better for real.
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  So talk to your kids. I have a post called, tell your
• 14:48
  kids about your work, another area where parents are
• 14:51
  completely remiss. They're only kids that are being
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  sent to, like, fucking gifted programs that have, like, IQs
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  that are like, close to the, you know, like like 100, and
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  whatever, it doesn't matter. And And and they don't know what
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  their parent does for work their parents like a lawyer, the
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  parent could explain their job and like two sentences but
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  they've never thought that they were important enough for the
• 15:14
  kid to know what corporate law is and be able to repeat it back
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  into sentences that's astonishing and bad, that child
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  deserves to know and respect and look up to their parent.
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  But if the parent is a comfortable being respected or
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  looked up to because of their own unresolved family of origin
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  issues, most often with a self-centered parent at the
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  core. Then they are not going to put
• 15:35
  themselves fourth as a role model to emulate nor will they
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  be able to at first do this confident momentum thing?
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  Although you can certainly get used to it with practice and you
• 15:45
  should. All right.
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  We'll hopefully that was a good pep talk for you to get off your
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  ass and go introduce your kid to something that you actually like
• 15:52
  doing so that you do not have to feign enjoyment or interest in
• 15:56
  in Minecraft or whatever the hell you hate and instead you
• 16:00
  can actually share something with your kid that you love.
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  That's Having a bonding genuine and authentic experience.
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  That hopefully also pushes your child out of their comfort zone,
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  which is a really big thing on a really big deal and makes you a
• 16:13
  good parent in and of itself. All right?
• 16:15
  I will talk to all you soon. Hopefully, this was useful.
• 16:18
  And please do subscribe. And join my Facebook group.
• 16:22
  If you like talking, I do interact.
• 16:23
  A hell of a lot more in there than anywhere else.
• 16:26
  All right, bye-bye.