Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When You And Your Partner Think Differently About Working From Home Together

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When You And Your Partner Think Differently About Working From Home Together · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to talk about how working from
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  home can actually bring some couples attachment issues into,
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  you know, into a worse place and why?
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  And before we get to that, please do subscribe.
• 0:23
  Most recent subscriber, episode was about how if you never act
• 0:26
  happy, your partner's, not going to try to make you happy and why
• 0:29
  this happens, and there's about a hundred and I don't know close
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  to a hundred and ten other subscriber episodes.
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  Now. So anyway working from home
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  telecommuting is really ideal for many people with kids and it
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  eliminates your commute. I personally only telework now
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  and it's never like never easier for people to get into session.
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  It eliminates no-shows, you don't have to drive Park, walk
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  in weight, low, the whole thing. It's like super easy.
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  Obviously for me and for a lot of people so my husband has a
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  office job also. Obviously people who are have,
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  you know, jobs where they work with their hands doing something
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  can't do this. But for any of us who
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  predominantly have a livelihood based on being on the computer,
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  super easy. So anyway, a lot of people when
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  telecommuting started, they had really different expectations
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  for what that would look like. So if you are, for example, a
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  woman who wants more closeness in your husband was always out
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  of the house 50 hours a week working.
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  Well, there Like only so much he could do to be close, but when
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  he's working from home, then you might have had, like,
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  tremendously different expectations for what your life
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  would look like. So instead of going to lunch
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  with colleagues, which you would know, he does all the time, for
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  example, then he would eat with you.
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  You would think, or if he always spent time commuting, he doesn't
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  have that time commuting. Then he would go with you to
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  drop off the kids or, you know, you guys would get coffee or
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  something like that. So, basically, what this does,
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  the telecommuting is it. It is the physical person of
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  your partner is around more, but the mental part of your partner,
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  may not be. So they may be the same person.
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  So, this particularly exacerbates avoidant,
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  preoccupied relationships, or pursuer, distance or
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  relationships, which I talked about a lot.
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  You can go back to my original attachment style podcast for the
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  different types of attachment. So, the preoccupied partner is
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  the pursuer and the avoid and partners the distance sir.
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  So the avoid and partner does not.
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  Really want to hang out more. That's the thing.
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  So with telecommuting, what a lot of people realize was that
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  they're avoiding partner had more time, but they still
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  weren't spending it with them. And so then this led to a lot of
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  fights because from their mind, for the preoccupied, attachment
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  Partners mind. Now, you have X amount more
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  hours. For example, two hours that you
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  were commuting in one hour that you were getting lunch or
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  something. And now, you can work It, you
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  know, you can just log right? On at 8 or 9.
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  And, but before that, you're not driving, so then we should be
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  together and the avoiding partner doesn't think like that
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  because they don't want to spend more time together.
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  They're already overwhelmed. So during covid, or when a lot
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  of jobs became telecommute, there were a lot of conflicts
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  around how much time can we spend together now, with the
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  preoccupied partner thinking? Wow, now we get so much more
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  time together and the avoided partner thinking.
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  No, I don't want that. That feels very uncomfortable
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  and small during which is the central drama of the preoccupied
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  and avoid and couple. So it's really important that
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  you and your partner are on the same page about what working
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  from home looks like. And of course therapy can help
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  you guys with these conversations.
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  If you can't figure it out or even just understanding that
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  this is a common issue for couples, can be helpful in that.
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  It's a lot of people are like embarrassed kind of they don't
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  even want to think about it too. Clearly that for some reason, He
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  said they did. They don't get to spend any more
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  time with their partner. Even though they're like,
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  literally both at home all day, it seems like so embarrassing
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  and shameful that they can't. So for example, there's many
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  preoccupied attachment men to not as many as women.
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  But I talked about preoccupied attachment husband's and my
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  podcast. There's also of course men with
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  higher libidos than their wives which is very common and I did
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  want to clear something up about that.
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  That's about a third of the couple's.
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  I see by the way, have a woman who has A higher libido than
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  their spouse. But some people were like, well,
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  that can't be how it is in the natural world though.
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  Yeah. Like of course not.
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  I'm a sex therapist, so I'm going to see more people in that
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  situation than usual. So from what I saw, there's not
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  really very many statistics on this because it's so subjective.
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  What a higher libido is and any in general.
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  But from anything that I saw just from looking at the
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  internet basically seems like everybody agrees that in Eighty
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  percent of couples with a libido, mismatch, the man wants
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  it. Or and in 20% the woman wants it
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  more that probably can chords with, you know, how it really is
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  in the world, more than what I say.
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  What I say is about, what I see what I see about.
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  A third of the couples that come into my office, you know, for
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  sex therapy for couples counseling.
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  That's women who want it more than the husband.
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  But in reality, that's higher than it is in the universe.
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  Of course, men have higher levels of testosterone, I mean,
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  this is just how it is. So I think that that's probably
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  right, you know, that percent of women want it more than their
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  husbands. That's still a lot of women
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  though, you know? So like this is nothing to
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  dismiss but that's just an aside because somebody, you know, a
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  couple people have brought that up that they don't think those
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  statistics are representative of the population at large.
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  It's not, I mean, I also see way more depressed people than
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  exists in the population at large because I'm a therapist.
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  But anyway, so the point is so all these guys or some women
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  with higher libidos than their spouse when I get them in
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  counseling, I'm like well you guys like both work from home.
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  Why don't you have sex like during the day ever?
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  And sometimes these people are in situations where the wife is
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  a stay-at-home mom with school-age kids and she still
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  doesn't want to have sex. Even though it would literally,
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  she would be able to, you know, of course.
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  I mean she's at home, she may be going out to do this or that but
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  I mean, they can obviously schedule an hour of sex in
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  there. But she doesn't want to like
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  it's very uncomfortable. Him being at home, she would
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  rather him be out of the house. And that's the point the avoided
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  partner does not. Want all this extra together
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  time and so, and, and if they are the one who's being pursued
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  for sex and they don't like sex, and they don't want that time to
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  be for sex. They were much happier with both
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  of them or at least in a stay-at-home mom situation.
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  The husband working outside the house, that was good, the less
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  time the better, you know. Like of course, they want to
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  spend some time together but they don't want all these great
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  expanses of time together in. There's also kind of just
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  personality level differences and how She want to be and Love
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  Languages. So people that have a physical
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  touch love language or a quality time.
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  Love language. These couples are getting so
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  much time together. If there's telecommuting, you
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  know, and being on the same page with that for couples, who have
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  those Same Love Languages, that's great.
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  Like, this is like paradise to have everything be
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  telecommuting, you get to spend time.
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  Together during the day, you got to hug or kiss, you may get to
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  have sex based on the schedule that you have.
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  You get to drop the kids off together and you get Get to do
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  whatever. You know.
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  Like, if you have an errand to do this day or that day, I mean,
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  I know for like myself and my husband.
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  It's a, it's great, you know, and we have similar Love
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  Languages and prioritize time together.
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  So, so, it's really, it's really an ideal situation that both of
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  us telecommute because we get more time together and days if
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  he has to go into the office or if he has a conference or
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  something like that because I don't ever really have to go
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  anywhere. Literally, I'm just in my
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  basement seeing clients or writing or what have you Um, but
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  that's worse like much, much worse, and it's hard for people
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  who have a quality time or a physical touch.
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  Love language to be a part from the spouse and that feels
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  stressful, you know. So but we are as if I were a
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  different sort of person with a different love language then you
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  know, or if I was an avoidant attachment style person then
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  that would be great. Like I would have, you know, I
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  would love the days of he has to go to a conference and in DC or
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  what have you, you know, like That would be awesome and I
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  would be encouraging him, you know, to like to like do that
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  instead of like being like really like kind of annoying
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  about it, that's just a shout out for my husband who does
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  listen to these. But anyway, so it if you are not
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  on the same page with how you feel about working from home,
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  then you guys should probably talk about it, you know because
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  it's better. So like if you are the more
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  avoid in person it's easier on the your And if you say
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  something like, honestly, I know this is a me thing, but it is
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  overwhelming for me, honestly, to be around anybody all of the
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  time, you know. And so for me, it would probably
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  be better. If, for example, we had we
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  didn't work like, on the same floor of the house or in the
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  same room, which some people tell me about, I obviously can't
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  do that because of the nature of my work, but if two people were
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  working in the same room every day and one of them is avoided,
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  they must want to rip their hair out by the end, you know, of
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  every day. So, Esther perel talks about
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  like in mating in captivity, she talks about how you need some
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  space in order to cultivate this sexual mystery on desire, and
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  that is never more true than for avoidant people.
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  You know, who really hate having somebody up their ass all the
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  time and that's how they feel about it.
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  So, if even if you work from home, those are the people who
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  really do want to schedule time away or work in a different part
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  of the House or, you know, schedule some overnight
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  conference if possible or something, you know, because
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  otherwise they can like easily feel smothered and overwhelmed
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  and have zero sexual desire or romantic desire for the person.
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  And if the preoccupied partner was like aware of this, in the
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  person, the avoidant person was kind of owning that this is how
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  they are. And it's not about the specific
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  partner but about who they are, as a person, that maybe they
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  would be okay with having more scheduled time apart with the
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  idea being that. Then you Come together.
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  So the guy who is always chasing his wife around the house during
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  the day you know to hope to give him a hug or a kiss or you know
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  hopefully have sex with him. You know, if she was able to say
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  listen honestly it's better for me.
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  Remember you said your office has a satellite office, you
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  know, like a half hour away. Maybe you could go a couple days
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  a week because it's a lot easier for me when I had days to myself
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  in the house. And that's when I start to feel
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  in the mood, that's when I start to desire, you for me, absence
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  makes the heart grow fonder. Because if He's a guy who's
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  wired to just think more is better for touch and closeness
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  and time. Then he really doesn't
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  understand this. And he doesn't understand how
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  much that space might be important for her.
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  And a good book to read again, is mating in captivity by Esther
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  perel about this. So everybody is wired
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  differently. They have different needs for
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  quality time for closeness for physical touch.
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  There are plenty of women that I talked to who feel touched out
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  because they always As have the kids around.
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  So then the guy thinks that when they don't have the kids around,
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  when it's the middle of the day and they don't, then it's going
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  to be time, then it's great because, you know, during, you
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  know, they could have a nooner or whatever.
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  But if that woman needs that entire day alone to recharge,
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  then him being around the house is just going to make things
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  worse. Their sex life is actually going
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  to be worse than it was before. And of course also there's
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  compromise and there's empathy. So if if you can schedule Will a
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  day during the week when you have sex, then great.
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  I mean, that's, that's wonderful, doesn't mean like you
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  have to let the avoid and partner set the frame
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  completely. There should be a discussion.
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  So yeah, maybe a couple days, you could get out of the house
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  more. And then one day we could be
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  like the day that you do have sex on the lunch break, but
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  especially as I discussed repeatedly, many women cannot
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  have sex at night. They're just so tired and their
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  testosterone tanks at night. You need testosterone.
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  I've discussed this as both a man and a woman for sex.
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  I've and the lowest levels are at 6 p.m. because the highest
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  levels are at 6 a.m. but a lot of women like the afternoon best
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  because that's when they're most relaxed.
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  So yes it is a possibility that you could do that but then also
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  he could get out of the house to go to the gym on his lunch
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  break, another few days so that you have time by yourself, which
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  is a big thing that a lot of more avoid and people need.
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  So, anyway, I mean, this is just an interesting topic to talk
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  about like how do we both feel about, you know, time together,
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  especially in the context of Commuting, which gives people a
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  lot of time together and our assumptions about whether the
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  other person likes this time together, really accurate, and
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  how do they relate to our attachment style into our
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  greater relationship issues to our sex drives to our need for
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  individual spaces? Like a great thing to talk about
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  again, a lot of people don't like being sent to my podcast so
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  maybe you could just do the work of bringing up the topic by
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  yourself, you know, and not sharing it with your partner.
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  If they have no desire to Hear me talk because as much as the
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  person who's listening to this may like hearing me talk,
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  generally, the person who they want to send it to as like
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  basically like a reprimand, ain't gonna like it because
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  nobody likes that. Nobody likes being sent
• 13:47
  something that's like here. This lady talks about like what
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  I'm trying to tell you, for three years who the who would
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  want that, right? Like who wants to get that
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  basically internet? Scolding via email, nobody does.
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  So why don't you just take the topics that I'm talking about
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  and bring them up? Hey, what do you really think
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  about? At the fact that we both work
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  from home. You know do you feel like it
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  would be easier on you if I was gone one of those days, you know
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  like how do you feel this relates to how much sex you want
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  to be having or not having those are conversations that you can
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  come up with yourself. If you are in the bunch of
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  people who say to me, oh my God, I send my stuff to your spouse
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  but they don't want to hear it. All right so they don't want to
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  hear it. Well I mean well you know what
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  are you gonna do? Keep a bombarding them with it?
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  That's not smart. So anyway, hope you found this
• 14:33
  interesting, please. Please do subscribe and I'll
• 14:35
  talk to you all soon. Oh, and you should be following
• 14:38
  me on Tick, Tock, and YouTube, and Instagram, and everywhere
• 14:41
  else. I am on all social media.
• 14:43
  All righty. Bye guys.