Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / The Croods

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The Croods · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

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Oh God. I would not have, I would not have done
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well in Virginia during the pandemic. I mean,
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everything would have been business as normal,
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right? I don't know. I'd probably start dating
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Krishna again if I was stuck there for that time.
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Dating Krishna? Did you ever date a Hare Krishna?
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No, I dated a girl named Krishna. So you are
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a Hare Krishna? You hand out bracelets at the
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airport? Most of what I know about Hare Krishna
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is it's just from the movie Airplane. Yeah, that's
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about right. Which is what I, you know, base
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most of my airport interactions on anyways. Yeah,
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it's that and Hayden, you know. Hayden's a Hare
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Krishna? Yep. Why not? He is now. He's the Hare
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Krishna of the sky. Yeah. He gets you locked
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into that fuselage and then he's like, all right,
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everybody, who would like to buy my sports bracelets?
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Are those for sale? I thought they just gave
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them away. I mean, there's a sole price. Yeah.
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The hardest price to pay. I thought those things
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were like a scam. Like they get it on you and
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then they like work you for donations. It's like
1:32
when somebody hands you a CD on the street. Right.
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It's like, oh, check out my music. Oh, it's going
1:37
to be $5. Oh, you can't take it. No take backsies.
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No take backsies. It's like, motherfucker, I'm
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just leaving. Slap. I'm just tossing it in the
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street. What are you going to do? Are you going
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to assault me over it? Yeah, right. Who has a
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CD player? I mean. Fair. I don't think even my
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car has one. Does it? Maybe. It should. It's
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like a 2018. That's like ancient technology.
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No, I still have one. I saw the best bumper sticker
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ever and I need to steal it for my car. It just
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says this car cost me $830. I'm broke. I'll take
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us both down. Considering I bought that car for
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$800, seems appropriate. My greatest sale ever.
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I was cleaning out the pictures and stuff on
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my phone. I did not haggle at all. I found one
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picture of a bumper sticker that I really liked
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back in the day that just said, no kids, just
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fuck my shit up. Yeah. Nice. I did see a bumper
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sticker once that I had to take a photo of and
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send to Lombardo and all it said was, stop honking
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at me, my dad's dead. Nice. Well, speaking of
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cataclysmic world -ending events, The Croods.
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I'm glad one of us got there. Welcome back to
2:57
Cage Match, colon, a roundabout way of meeting
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Nicolas Cage. I'm Sean, here with my co -host.
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Nick. And our producer. You were having a great
3:05
time until you started this. Peter, hello. And
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today, we're talking about the animated masterpiece,
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The Croods. There's going to be a lot. This is
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one of those times where like rarely I've ever
3:18
thought I wish that people could watch us while
3:20
we do an episode. But seeing Nick's face reactions
3:23
is it's pretty choice. I was really considering
3:28
just bringing whiskey tonight. Oh, man, that
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would have been a vibe. It would have changed
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everything. Yeah, we've gotten real fighty about
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halfway through. Yeah, I do get kind of aggressive
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with whiskey. That's fine, though. I bet Cora
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would fight you. Oh, absolutely. Oh, man. If
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I had shared my ice cream sandwich and maybe
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a sip of my whiskey, just a little nip. Just
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a touch. That probably would have been best.
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You would have gone right straight to sleep.
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Yeah. OK, so we watched Croods. No, we were having
4:01
fun talking about Croods again. I successfully
4:04
deviated. Is this what this episode is going
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to be? It's going to be a lot of that. I still
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have the problem with like if I ever get like
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a tiny paper cup of like mouthwash or anything
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from the dentist, I instinctively just neck it.
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I've accidentally drank so much mouthwash. Oh,
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thanks. I always end up just kind of folding
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the cup up and putting it in my pocket just in
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case I need to do like a Wayne's World moment.
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Oh, nice. Yeah. You never know. Yeah, it's true.
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It could happen. It could happen to you. That's
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a Nicolas Cage movie. It is. We could talk about
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that one. We could. Another movie you didn't
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like. We're talking about 2013? 2009? 2013. The
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Croods. So we did this out of order, though,
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because we did Croods 2 or Croods New Age or
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whatever the fuck it was called. Yeah, why did
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we do Croods 2 first? What were we doing with
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that? I can't remember. I think it was because
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it was our season one intermission. We just picked
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random movies, and for whatever reason, we decided
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it was funnier to do the second one first. It's
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not like there's an immense amount of Croods
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lore that we needed to know going into the second
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one. No. And it did give us a pretty strong recap
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of the first one. It sure did. And arguably better
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animation. Yeah, they both look kind of like
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shit, but... I like the 2D animation. Oh, that
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part's good. No, I like that part. The 2D parts
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are fun. Yeah. the 3d looks like dreamworks yeah
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it looks like dreamworks and that's i will say
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it sucks to look at it's one of their for dreamworks
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it is one of their better animated films like
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none of their stuff looks great like shrek has
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always looked like dog shit and yeah oh i was
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going back through a list of like all the dreamworks
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like animation films it's rough and it's like
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there are maybe i think they were like two that
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i was like oh okay i like that like i enjoyed
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How to Train Your Dragon. Yep. Great. Yeah. Same
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director as the Croods. Yeah. Yep. I don't know
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how. Well, I mean, directors can't change writing.
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No, it's true. But they also wrote the movie
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and he wrote both movies. He did. Yeah. What
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a fucking idiot. He didn't direct the second
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one. He was also the voice of Belt. Oh, my favorite
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character. Yeah, that's probably. Nope. douglas
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is douglas is your favorite i was gonna say if
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i had to pick a character for you to be a favorite
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douglas yeah douglas big douglas guy over here
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that's my son's dog okay let's talk about the
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critters just for a minute we'll get into the
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plot line and everything because whatever it
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doesn't really matter that much but the critters
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i think in this are pretty good and when we jumped
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into crudes 2 it was like way overplayed that
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it's going to be weird creatures because obviously
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they had set the precedent from crudes 1 which
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gets you, you know, like all the craziness of
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like the 50 different types of punch monkeys.
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I appreciate that they didn't try to justify
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or explain anything in this movie. Right. It's
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like, here's a weird piranha bird. Here's a whale
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that walks on land. Yeah. I don't know. I loved
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the piranha birds because I liked how they're
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like beaks opened in like what the middle of
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their face rather than like at the point. Yeah,
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totally. The creature design in this movie is
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awesome. so like douglas is a dog alligator yeah
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well i thought he was like he had like skunk
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stripes and like skunk tail yeah and alligator
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mouth it doesn't matter it doesn't matter none
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of it matters i did really like douglas being
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introduced he's like a dog he's behaving like
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a dog even though he's a weird critter and then
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um thunk falls out of a very tall tree has him
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roll off of a cliff yeah he's just like oh shit
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douglas top two favorite moments from the movie
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was just douglas rolling off and then like okay
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i was like oh they killed a dog wow just disappeared
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was it no remorse no like mention of him nope
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uh like until the last like five minutes of the
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movie and then he shows up and he gets saved
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And then I think he's in the second movie, but
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I don't think he mattered. Yeah, him and the
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cat are just around in the second movie. Nothing
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matters. None of it matters. We're all going
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to die and this thing happened in our lives.
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It's weird that the Croods are the thing that's
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making you existentially express yourself. We
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have watched such worse movies. Is this what
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happened to Hornback? Like Hornback watched the
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Croods one day and then this is what we got from
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him? Yeah. What is the point of life? Oh my goodness.
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We're all just fucking bags of meat that are
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going to rot. Slowly rot. Yeah. I wish I could
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rot faster. All -star cast. We got Nicolas Cage
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as Grug. Ryan Reynolds as Guy. Emma Stone as
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Eep. Catherine Keener as Ugga. Cloris Leachman
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as Gran. Clark Duke as Thunk. And I'm going to
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ask what I asked last time. What the fuck ever
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happened to Clark Duke? I don't know. I mean,
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he's one of those people that just like always
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looks like a boy, even though he's like our age.
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Oh, is that the Hot Tub Time Machine kid? Yeah.
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uh chris sanders who is the writer director is
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belt yeah and that's the entire cast i mean yeah
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i guess for this one you really don't have anybody
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else yeah no because we got we got we got the
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dinkster in the second one yeah that's right
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the dinkster dinklage yeah oh yeah okay yeah
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he was the dad or whatever yeah guy's dad guy's
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dad's friend yeah that's right it was his friend
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because his Guy's parents drowned in the... Tar.
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Yeah. Okay. See, I got confused because I hate
10:01
both movies. And so plot was irrelevant to me.
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Okay, so wait. The plot of this film is Nicolas
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Cage's... The plot's just Pangea. Kind of, yeah.
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Pangea past. It's like everything's like splitting
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apart and Guy foretells it because he listens
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to the floor with a shell or something. And then
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he's like, we got to go to high ground, which
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turns out didn't help. No, that was not great.
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If not for caveman strength. Yeah. And Nicolas
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Cage doesn't like doing things because it's going
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to kill you. And his daughter has a cave lady
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bone, cave lady boner, cave girl boner. I don't
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want to get too caught up on what kind of boner.
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She likes a big brain. Yeah. And he's like fully
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formed. feet and hands and like not right or
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like not wrong sized head right so guy is a human
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and everybody else is kvs i do like that he's
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got a slur for them kvs i'm gonna start calling
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who in our group is a kv who's the most kv person
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yeah oh man adam adam's probably a kv Adam's
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a cavey. Sorry, Adam. Yeah. Yeah. I do appreciate
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any Nicolas Cage led movie where his first utterance
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is just going full Nick Cage. No words, just
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yelling for a solid like 30 seconds. Like that's
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like Ugg's first scene coming out of the cave
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is like it makes it makes 100%. Are you calling
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it Ugg? Yeah, Grug. Yeah, it's Grug. Grug. Doesn't
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matter. Grug, dude. Well, you're also mixing
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it up with his wife, Ugga. Ugga, yeah. So, Grug.
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But, like, it 100 % makes sense why you'd cast
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Nicolas Cage for this role if that's the energy
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you're starting with. I did kind of like how
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it started out like that, and then, you know,
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they're, like, doing their hunt to get some food,
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and it's, like, release the baby, and that thing's
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a maniac. Yeah. And then, in the second one,
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they have that horrible scene where they get
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into the, like, oasis and they're just like shoving
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their gobs oh yeah they're just fucking yeah
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and this one it kind of had a similar vibe where
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they get that egg and they're just like hot sucking
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raw egg out of it like they finally experienced
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cooked meat oh yeah they ate like what's leftovers
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when you have leftover gran just like eating
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her way out of the giant bird yeah okay least
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favorite character uh this should be easy uh
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well i mean easy to figure out because there's
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only like six characters yeah um they're all
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golden perfect cast okay so my least favorite
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character is ugga boring doesn't do anything
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yeah yeah ugga doesn't really do anything in
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this movie yeah like she gets more to do in the
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second one but yeah she's just sort of like there
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i would say yeah is it gonna be the daughter
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i think it's the daughter the baby no no maybe
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he's fine yeah sure okay why i don't know something
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about fucking teenage girls annoys me so goddamn
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much sean least favorite no i think i'll go just
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because yeah she doesn't really do anything through
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the in the movie uh chloris leachman's got some
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great line reads and is a lot of fun I mean,
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she's been good at being an old lady for a long
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time. Lots of practice. Yeah. Yeah. I just this
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I don't understand DreamWorks is reasoning for
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getting cast like this. Like, it doesn't matter
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who it is. I can only assume the reason they
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get like a Nicolas Cage or Ryan Reynolds is because
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they know they can get more money from producers
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out of it by having big names. But I think it's
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just to make things tolerable for the adults.
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Like. Are you going to take your kid to go see
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a DreamWorks movie with nobody you know in it?
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Or a DreamWorks movie that at least has a full
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A -list cast? It doesn't matter. They're not
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voice actors. Most of the DreamWorks movies,
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the voice acting isn't great because they just
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hire A - and B -list actors. True. But to be
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fair, the only reason we watched this movie is
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because of the cast. The A -list cast. Yeah,
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A -list casting. We don't count. We're doing
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a fucking dumb thing. We shouldn't count. All
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right, fine. Second least favorite character
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in the film. Rank them. I'm going to say Thunk.
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Thunk? Thunk, that little fuck. Thunk doesn't
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do a lot either. I was going to say, this is
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one of the few non -Deadpool movies where I don't
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hate Ryan Reynolds. Sure. Yeah, he's fine. I
15:15
mean, he is sort of an uppity bitch, but... Yeah,
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he's still just Ryan Reynolds. Why does he have
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the weird shoes? Because he's learned to survive.
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You know, he's a human. He has ideas. He can
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think. He wears shoes so he doesn't hurt his
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feet on floor spikes. Right. Yeah. Okay. third
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least shoes let's talk about shoes yeah go ahead
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the scene where they get the like they step on
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all that shit and thunks are not fucking guys
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like uh i guess i'll be nice and help them with
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like shoe stuff because they're obviously idiot
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cavies why okay funk fish what where do they
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get the fish that doesn't make sense there was
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no river there i mean those are probably air
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fish air fish yeah third least favorite character
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guy what i was gonna say despite i don't despite
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not understanding why they get like big name
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actors for these voice roles this is one of the
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few dreamworks films i'm like yeah no everyone
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did a good job I mean, I agree with that. I think
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the voice acting in this is actually fine. I
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think the point that you're making and we've
16:36
made a couple of times is that like there really
16:38
isn't a huge amount of value. Like what parent
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went to this movie and was like, oh, thank God
16:43
it's Nick Cage, you know? But also like what
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adult besides us watches this movie if not for
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their kids? Oh man, you know there's crude heads
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out there. Oh man. I mean, I'm one of them now,
16:55
yes. Crudités? What would you call them? I don't
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even know. Crudités. Cavies. A bunch of cavies.
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They're just cavies. Man, I love the Croods and
17:06
Croods New Age. I'm a cavie. What about those
17:10
eight seasons of Croods Family Ties? Is there
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eight seasons? According to IMDb, I don't know.
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Wow, that's too many seasons. I'm going to watch
17:21
an episode just to see what off -brand Nicolas
17:24
Cage sounds like. I'd be curious. I'm just looking
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at other DreamWorks animated films on IMDb right
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now. We got Boss Baby with Alec Baldwin. No child
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wants to hear Alec Baldwin. Rio, don't know what
17:39
that's about. It's Johnny Depp as a bird. Who
17:44
the hell is Johnny Depp? I don't know, I think.
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No, that was Rango. Johnny Depp as a lizard.
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Was Johnny Depp still doing shit when Rio came
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out? I don't know. Who was in Rio? who is bird
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i'm looking now who's bird uh jesse eisenberg
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is blue his name's not even rio they're just
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in rio i guess we got there yeah yeah worth it
18:12
we gotta get a couple dumb laughs out of this
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episode uh i guess there was they did the madagascar's
18:19
hotel transylvania which is just an adam sandler
18:23
film I watched the first Hotel Transylvania the
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night my ex -wife went into labor with my son.
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You were just like, hold on. I'm not finished.
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We're going to watch this. You're going to really
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love it. My favorite part's coming up. We watched
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it. You've seen this before? You've watched this
18:44
more than once? Devours. You're more present
18:50
for this film you've watched before. The birth
18:53
of your son. Babies take a while to come out.
18:58
Let's watch some delightful Adam Sandler -ing.
19:00
Well, it's because they know there are no good
19:02
children's films out in the world. Except for
19:05
Paddington 2. And then, yeah, the Ice Age films,
19:09
which again, what child wants to hear the voice
19:13
of Ray Romano? I don't even know adults who want
19:17
to hear the voice of Ray Romano. Exactly. Who
19:22
was Ray Romano in that? Was he the elephant?
19:25
Yeah, he was the mammoth. Oh, wow. Because Sid
19:30
the Sloth was clown himself, right? Leguizamo?
19:34
Leguizamo. Dennis Leary was the saber -toothed
19:38
tiger. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Queen Latifah
19:42
is the lady mammoth in the sequels. Hot. Can
19:45
you imagine Ray Romano and Queen Latifah just
19:51
out on a blind date? What would they talk about?
19:55
Oh, my God. Anything but the Croods, I bet. Probably.
20:02
Fourth least favorite character in the movie.
20:06
Did we already say the baby? Nobody said the
20:11
baby yet. I genuinely enjoy this film. It was
20:14
a fun watch. There's good, like, humor and, like,
20:18
physical animated comedy. I really like the joke
20:21
about the snapshot. Yo, that was pretty good.
20:25
Where he, like, paints up Thunk's face and, like,
20:28
smacks him with, like, a piece of slate to, you
20:31
know, get an instant photo of him or an instant
20:33
picture. I did kind of like that. I mean, that
20:35
one paid off in the end when they did the family
20:37
photo. Yeah. So, Ugga. Ugga's my fourth least
20:41
favorite. I liked the way that they moved, actually.
20:45
The cavies, that is. I thought that was pretty
20:47
well done. They had like a good eep -like shamble.
20:52
I love it. Okay, what's one thing that you liked
20:57
about this movie? I liked... Other than the ending,
21:00
because it was over. I liked the way Grug...
21:07
Had that sinister smile when he thought the grandma
21:09
was going to die near the end or whatever. Yeah,
21:13
every time they did a head count and he always
21:18
was happy because he thought grandma was dead
21:20
and then she shows up. Six. And when Douglas
21:25
rolled off the thing. That was funny. That was
21:27
legitimately funny. That's it. Plot line, there's
21:32
really not much. Cataclysm. Getting away from
21:35
a cataclysm. They're just trying to run away
21:37
from the continental divide or whatever. Right.
21:42
The splitting up of the continents. Greg believes
21:47
the only way to survive is to not ever take any
21:51
risks, to stay in the cave. New things are bad.
21:55
Yeah. But, you know, they're the only ones left,
22:00
so he's doing something right up until, you know.
22:03
human shows up world changes you know brings
22:06
fire and everything falls apart and they're forced
22:09
to like go on an adventure to you know save themselves
22:13
he wants to still prove he's the man of the tribe
22:17
but you know new bigger ideas come around scare
22:21
him and everyone like turns their back on uh
22:23
turns their back on grug bad family i don't know
22:26
he had some pretty looking antiquated opinions
22:30
on things Hmm. Why is it in the second film they
22:36
all look around like they've never seen food
22:39
before when clearly on numerous occasions they
22:42
go to pretty verdant areas? Yeah, I was wondering
22:46
and I can't remember and I'm not going to rewatch
22:48
that movie. You want to know the answer? It's
22:52
a kid's movie. Yeah. But like, so what happened?
22:55
So obviously at the end of this one, they're
22:57
like riding around on all their critters and,
23:00
you know, having a grand old time and. They get
23:03
to the coast. Food is aplenty. What happened
23:07
after that? Why did it get shitty? Or was it
23:12
just that guy wanted to go figure out his parents'
23:16
friend's location or something? No, they just
23:19
stumbled across it. I think it was accidental.
23:24
It was like, I don't know, another cataclysm.
23:26
Who cares? No, they were running away from a
23:29
T -Rex or something. an off -brand t -rex exactly
23:33
an off -brand t -rex the t -rex fused with i
23:37
don't know yes it's like here's this bracelet
23:42
take this bracelet or i'll eat you oh you took
23:45
it now i gotta eat you it's transactional in
23:48
terms of the nick cage of it all both these films
23:51
in terms of his voice acting career are two are
23:55
decent performances like he really He really
23:58
gives it his all in this as opposed to like the
24:00
ant bully where you can tell how just bored he
24:02
is the entire time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even
24:05
in like I said last time, even in like Spider
24:07
-Verse, he's like so muffled and like just which
24:10
is like partially the character. But I'm kind
24:12
of curious to see. We don't have that many more
24:14
Nick Cage voice performances. We've got like
24:18
Teen Titans go to the movies and maybe one other.
24:23
Oh, yeah, that's right. He's Superman in that.
24:24
Yeah. Do you think? Nick Cage's performance in
24:28
Spider -Man was muffled, as you said, because
24:34
he's so meta. He came dressed in a mask. I asked
24:39
that last time, yes. I think 100 % he wore a
24:42
mask. Okay, great. And they're like, I mean,
24:45
it's Nick Cage. He's a method actor, I guess.
24:47
Let him do his thing. Yeah, sure. Put that mask
24:50
on. It's the only way you're going to get that
24:52
performance. I wonder if his mask just had his
24:55
own face on it. Did we ever confirm whether or
25:00
not in Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance, like
25:02
we read online that he like showed up with like
25:05
skull face pin on to the set. Did we ever like
25:09
confirm that? No. I stated it as a fact because
25:13
I want it to be true. Are you asking if we had
25:15
a follow through on something? Yeah. I don't
25:19
remember if we ever followed up on that. I don't
25:22
think he. did but definitely did not i will say
25:25
in terms of follow -through four years later
25:27
and the crudes so uh i did have there is a there
25:33
is a quote in this film that i did love uh which
25:35
is when uh grug is chasing guy around um kind
25:39
of like finally had his full fill right before
25:42
they get in the tar and guy is trying to like
25:45
talk the kids down and grug just goes you know
25:47
big words make me mad keep talking That is actually
25:52
pretty good. The only quote that stuck out to
25:54
me was Thunk got hit in the face at one point.
25:58
He goes, ow, my sniffer. I don't know why I liked
26:02
that, but I just it got me. And then, you know,
26:06
we had the origin of the punch monkeys. I did
26:08
like that. Nick didn't. I'm glad they didn't
26:12
acknowledge them and they were just like viewed
26:15
once. That's the first time they ever met a punch
26:18
monkey. Should have been the last. What did you
26:21
guys think of the sexy saber -toothed cat cosplay
26:23
that they had to do to get out of the tar? Alright,
26:26
the puppet work I found pretty hilarious. I like
26:30
that Belt was just playing the ribcage as like
26:33
a xylophone. Yeah. That's a classic. Yeah, ribcage
26:37
xylophone's a pretty choice. Did Ugga go back
26:43
to having like shitty hair in the sequel? I cared
26:47
so little. I couldn't even remember what her
26:49
hair looked like prior to that scene. It's just
26:52
like, oh, they framed this in such a way. It's
26:54
like, did her hair change? I'm just going to
26:57
roll with that. And then I didn't even acknowledge
26:59
her hair for the rest of the film. Yeah, she's
27:02
definitely my fourth least favorite character.
27:07
Who's your favorite character? Well, we got to
27:09
get there. Who's your fifth? Yeah, we're building
27:11
up. Fifth least favorite character. The child.
27:17
The baby? Yeah. Baby's my fifth least favorite.
27:20
Sandy? What's her name? Sandy? Sandy. Sandy.
27:23
Yeah. Okay. So wait, who's left then? Just Grug
27:27
and Guy? And Gran. Oh, and Gran. Wait, that's...
27:31
Did I not say Guy? I thought I said Guy already.
27:33
Maybe you said Guy. So it's just Grug and Gran.
27:35
Yeah. And Douglas. And Douglas, well... I don't
27:39
want to tip my hand or anything, but... Nick,
27:42
I found your review on IMDb. Uh -oh. Let's hear
27:47
it. This movie was terrible. I was expecting
27:50
a fun, clever kids movie, but instead I got a
27:53
stupid, unfunny, predictable movie. Even though
27:56
I only watched the first 30 minutes, it was the
27:58
worst 30 minutes of my life. No, I know that's
28:02
not me because they said they expected something
28:05
from this. Now, you had gone into it already
28:10
having seen Croods 2, so... Yes, but I still
28:13
knew it was a Dreamworks movie. You knew what
28:15
not to expect. That's true, it is a Dreamworks,
28:17
so... Oh, wait, I forgot about all the weird
28:21
Christian fundamentalists who, like, who review
28:23
-bombed this film. Oh, yeah, let's just talk
28:26
about that. I can't understand how any one of
28:30
those people would legitimately be offended by
28:33
this movie. Like, what? Because it teaches about
28:40
evolution, which is an affront to God. Dipshits.
28:48
So stupid. We have to share the planet with these
28:51
people. Yeah. Those people get to vote. Too often.
28:57
I think it should be a one and done. you get
28:59
to vote once yeah i think everybody gets to vote
29:02
just once you gotta really hang on to your vote
29:05
yeah do i do it i don't hate this idea a lot
29:11
of like really close elections with 13 votes
29:15
for president i mean that's not true yeah 13
29:20
votes but like 170 or whatever, 370, whatever
29:24
the electoral bullshit. Hey, I want to talk about
29:27
the electoral college. It's about time we get
29:29
rid of that shit. Yeah, I like it. That's just
29:31
placating slave owners and we don't need that
29:34
anymore. We live in a time where fucking communication
29:37
can happen instantaneously. We don't need fucking
29:42
dumb fucking representation. Podcast over. Did
29:50
I get it? Are we done? I think so, yeah. Sixth
29:54
least favorite character. Gran. Gran, okay. I
29:59
liked her in the second one a little bit more.
30:02
She's good in this, though. I mean, she was fine
30:05
in this, but the jokes are so forced in this
30:08
movie. Yeah. Hers are no better. What's it like
30:12
having no joy? You know, I'm new to this about
30:17
not being a happy person, but, you know. You
30:21
can embrace it. Yeah. Just talk to Hornback.
30:23
That's good. Yeah. Did Belthuff a flower at one
30:27
point and get high? I missed that. I feel like
30:31
it was right before Douglas fell off the cliff,
30:33
but... Was it a poppy flower or whatever? I don't
30:36
know. I don't think I... Prehistoric poppy? Yeah.
30:39
It was a cocaine poppy because everything's a
30:41
hybrid in this movie. Yeah. So he was amped up
30:44
and chilled out. What was your favorite weird
30:50
animal, weird beast? I liked the whale with legs.
30:59
Leg whale was cool. Turtle birds I enjoyed. I
31:04
can safely say that the elephant mice are the
31:07
cutest ones, but I don't know if they're my favorite.
31:11
the you know the dnd nerd in me was like i liked
31:13
the owlbear even though i know it's more cat
31:16
but it's like the bird cat oh sure that's stalking
31:19
them the entire time yeah yeah chunky yeah i
31:24
can't remember if grant actually called it that
31:25
in this movie or not but that's what she called
31:26
it in the second movie so yeah how do you remember
31:29
anything dude i don't know i want to know what
31:33
happened to like the other animals because in
31:36
the sequel i remember they had the cat and they
31:37
had doug i don't remember them having like the
31:41
connected tail lemurs or they didn't have the
31:44
whale i was gonna say yeah maybe that's what
31:48
happened they started eating all the pets and
31:49
they were like fuck we're running out of pets
31:50
and we like these last two a lot i mean the the
31:54
connected tail lemur is kind of great because
31:56
you get to eat one and then you can like you
31:58
know like a spaghetti just like suck up like
32:00
the other the other one yeah sixth least favorite
32:07
character in the movie i think it's seventh at
32:09
this point I don't know. All the background animals.
32:14
Even the piranha birds? Yeah. Even Chunky? All
32:20
the background animals. Hey, they all rank above
32:25
Funk. He sucked. Funk is bad. So Nick Cage, at
32:31
the end of this, throws everyone across a chasm,
32:35
knowing that he's going to be the only one who
32:37
can't get across. He's the thrower and not a
32:40
jumper. He's got those tiny fucking animated
32:43
feet. Yeah. Dumb, dumb feet. Put on some fucking
32:47
fish shoes. Can you imagine trying to suck on
32:50
those toes? No. Gross. Get out of here. Thank
32:54
you. Thank you. I will leave now. You're excused.
32:57
I should just go. I'm going to go home and think
33:00
about what I said. And how this impacts the podcast.
33:06
Can we just talk about how dumb it is that their
33:09
plan is to just ride the sun? Yeah, they're idiots.
33:14
Yeah, they're caveys. They don't know shit. So
33:17
they get chasmed. And then Nick Cage goes back
33:20
for the cataclysm to die. And then he's in the
33:23
dark of a cave with Chunky. Finds out that Chunky's
33:28
afraid of the dark. Okay. Befriends Chunky. Then
33:33
they make a flying machine out of a rib cage.
33:36
Yeah, they put a bunch of tar on a rib cage and
33:38
then make all the piranha birds hit it so that
33:41
they fly. And then they use, and then piranha
33:44
birds are scared of fire, so he uses the fire
33:46
to kind of like steer by like, which I thought
33:49
was clever. Yeah, for somebody who's never had
33:53
an idea in his life to make that his first idea.
33:57
Not bad. Not bad. I did like that his ideation
34:00
process was my second least favorite. Seventh?
34:04
Eighth, I think. I don't know. There's eight
34:07
characters in this film. He's your second favorite
34:09
character. You've crossed the threshold. None
34:13
of them are my favorite. Except for Douglas.
34:16
Douglas. You only need one. Yeah. You can only
34:20
have one favorite. But I did like during his
34:22
ideation process, it was basically just him braining
34:25
himself on shit. Because he's a big dummy. Cavey.
34:29
Yeah. Well, he was going to like actually like
34:30
hit himself with like a rock and then he had
34:32
the idea before he did. Which is how Guy comes
34:35
up with ideas. He has a belt to hit him with
34:37
a rock. So Guy's basically also just a cavey.
34:41
Yeah, except, you know. They're all big dumbs.
34:43
Yeah, big dumbs. Yeah. So anyway, then they have
34:46
a grand adventure. I wouldn't say a grand adventure.
34:51
Well, it looked like they were riding their fucking
34:53
critters and having a good time. Yeah. Then they
34:56
go to the beach. And that was it. Okay. That's
35:00
fair. I watched Begonia the other day. Oh, how
35:03
was that? I really liked Begonia. I mean... I
35:06
mean, I gotta say, I liked something today, right?
35:08
Lanthus Yorgos is a really weird director, and
35:10
I can't tell if I like his stuff or not, but...
35:13
I really like his stuff. Yeah. I really enjoyed
35:15
The Lobster. I fucking hate that movie. I enjoyed
35:23
Begonia a lot. Poor things. Poor things I loved.
35:27
Poor things was just too long for me, but I heard
35:29
Begonia was pretty great. Poor things. Oh yeah.
35:31
I hate the lobster. So I hate the lobster so
35:34
much that like five years after the fact, I was
35:37
with a friend of mine and we were just driving
35:39
and I was just like, you know what I hate? And
35:40
they're like the lobster. I'm like, yes. Because
35:44
that's what I was going to say. And they were
35:46
sick of hearing it. Yeah, I was going to say.
35:48
They knew you. They know your bit. It sounds
35:51
like you've complained about it a lot. Oh, yeah.
35:55
Okay, well, so good. You like begonia. You hate
35:57
the crudes. Yeah, I just have, you know, good
36:00
taste. I have adult taste. Primal's great. It's
36:06
not. So much better than the crudes. Worse animation.
36:10
But somehow. still worse nick cage better animals
36:15
i don't know what are we watching next time peter
36:24
so next up is outcast which is actually what
36:27
was going to be our first we didn't have enough
36:30
people for the podcast because i think you got
36:32
sick uh which is why we ended up watching the
36:35
humanity bureau the two of us um because we started
36:39
watching outcast and it was like shit Nick Cage
36:42
is basically not even in this movie. And that
36:45
apparently doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't,
36:48
because now it's about completionism. Which I
36:51
never agreed to. But then we chose Humanity Bureau,
36:54
and Sean was like, boy, I hope you guys just
36:56
don't choose Humanity Bureau. It's like, too
36:58
late, we're doing it. Fuck, we didn't. And then
37:01
I listened to you guys talk about it, and I'm
37:03
like, I'm glad I didn't have to watch that movie.
37:04
Yeah. No way, it was all right. The trailer really
37:08
looked like it was going to be something. outcast
37:11
looks really stupid um so like the hayden christiansen
37:15
it's hayden christiansen and nick cage it's kind
37:17
of that same vibe as like um jujitsu in my mind
37:21
where he's like the old warrior or whatever and
37:24
you know oh there's you know great white knight
37:26
or whatever and everyone respects him but he's
37:29
just like a drunk or some shit i don't know Nice.
37:32
Sounds great. A mysterious warrior teams up with
37:35
a daughter and son of a deposed Chinese emperor
37:37
to defeat their cruel brother who seeks their
37:39
death. Please tell me he plays the Chinese emperor.
37:43
I do not think so. Wait, is Hayden Christensen
37:46
the child of a Chinese emperor? I don't know,
37:50
man. I don't know. Is that some real Ben Kingsley
37:53
shit? It is a little Ben Kingsley. So we'll see.
37:57
I mean, let's see. Let's read a user review just
37:59
real quick. I like to go straight for the three
38:01
stars. What do the mids think about it? I like
38:05
the ones because those are fun too, but simply
38:07
awful in every way. At least it's not complicatedly
38:12
awful. It's just simply awful. That's an awful
38:16
I can understand. Whatever happened to Cage?
38:18
Has he run out of resources and feels the need
38:20
to jump on every bad script out there? Not only
38:22
this, he's actually giving the worst performance
38:24
of the lot in this movie. The story itself is
38:27
corny, limping, and just bad overall, but Cage
38:29
is even worse. Awesome. Yeah. I look forward
38:33
to that. Here's a three star. Damn you, Nick
38:37
Powell, and damn you, James Dormer. I'm assuming
38:40
directors. Why? Seriously, why did you make this?
38:44
Who is it for? Honestly. oh he said ue bowl films
38:52
are better than this oh that's rough what's he
38:56
made blood rain he did he takes really he gets
39:00
really cheap uh video game uh franchises and
39:03
like makes really cheap movies out of them okay
39:06
so probably nothing alone in the dark no you
39:09
i i would be shocked if you've seen a single
39:11
one of these movies these are all i've watched
39:13
several because i had a friend who enjoyed garbage
39:17
um we both famously um we know you like bad movies
39:22
we both famously um challenged his critics to
39:27
uh boxing matches and some of them took him up
39:30
on it and we both proceeded to kick their asses
39:33
because that's how you deal with criticism it's
39:35
terrible like he just universally does not make
39:38
good movies his first movie one five one six
39:43
two two 2 0 1 3 3 7 5 2 he's improving 2 9 3
39:51
2 so his dungeon siege movie famously starts
39:55
with the line i felt you come before you came
39:58
hell fucking yeah okay so maybe maybe nick is
40:02
in i'm gonna get that tattooed on my chest no
40:05
tramp stamp there you go based on title alone
40:11
what you able movie would you like to see oh
40:16
okay i mean some of these sound fine like in
40:20
terms of yeah i'm gonna watch like a horror movie
40:22
or something like that you know uh oh boy zombie
40:26
massacre 2 reich of the dead oh that sounds cool
40:29
reich of the dead that's gonna have zombies and
40:33
nazis like legend of the red reaper that could
40:36
be cool like some of these sound all right so
40:39
oh wait i'm sorry i i i totally jumped the shark
40:43
on this one uh blubberella blubberella oh my
40:46
god now that sounds like a porno though and that
40:50
has got me right back in uh his first film german
40:55
fried movie do you think it's a riff on a kentucky
40:58
fried movie probably that was a good one yeah
41:01
if you like problematic films from the 70s ish
41:06
yep we will also like Tried to sue the studio
41:10
that made the Rampage movie based on the video
41:12
game with The Rock because Gleeble also has a
41:15
franchise of films called Rampage. He just sounds
41:18
like a dork. All right. But don't box him over
41:21
it. Yeah, apparently not. Any final thoughts?
41:25
Well, no, like I said, Begonia was good. Yeah,
41:28
good. And Douglas is a good dog. Douglas was
41:31
a good dog creature. Dog -like, yeah. The Croods
41:36
are fun films. if you have kids you could watch
41:39
worse things glowing room yeah i mean i don't
41:44
disagree with that assessment i think that's
41:46
actually fine i didn't have a bad time with this
41:47
i did i enjoyed this movie i enjoyed this movie
41:50
a lot i will like i will put on the crudes in
41:52
the background i'll put on the crudes too uh
41:55
because i generally enjoy them be there so you
41:57
can annoy him when you say if you have kids watch
42:01
the crudes uh my brain immediately translated
42:05
it to Hey, you already made bad choices, so go
42:08
ahead and make another one. I said there are
42:11
worse things you could watch with kids. There
42:13
are much worse children's films out there. Yeah,
42:16
I can think of like nine things that would be
42:17
worse to watch with kids. Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
42:21
Blubberella. Blubberella. No, I don't know. They
42:23
might be into it. I might have to screen it for
42:26
boobs first. That's true. I don't want to. There's
42:28
definitely boobs. Come on, let's be real. Uwe
42:30
Bolls. Uwe Boll's postal, which involves Dave
42:34
Foley just taking a big shit in the opening scene.
42:37
Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so you
42:38
might be into Uwe Boll. Yeah, he might be my
42:41
guy. Yeah. Anyway, to our guys, thanks to our
42:45
Sparkle buddies, Josh, Josie, Matt, Adam, Bill,
42:48
Stuart, and Willow, and our Caged Dancers, John,
42:50
Freeman, Nathan, and Cameron, and of course to
42:53
Bill Panks for our intro music. Sorry you're
42:55
all tied to this one. Thanks for listening. Bye.
43:07
Bye.