Latest / ShameOver - The Drink Less Podcast / Why You Get Irrational When You Drink (And What It’s Actually About)
Transcript
- Erica+ShameOver: Hello, I'm Erica and welcome back to the shame over podcast. I am so glad that you are here and honored to spend this time together today is going to Really hit on some things that I think a lot of us especially women, especially moms feel a lot of the time ⁓ some of the stuff that comes up that We probably don't wish ⁓ up during drinking ⁓ it does it comes up it comes out part of the reason why we probably have issues with drinking or why some of our family members might not love our drinking. But it's also, ⁓ going to dig into the weeds with that. So let's get started. So I was, we call it fireside, but we are talking about some of the behavior that comes out when we're drinking. And for some of us, it's, it might irrational or, know, like once you've had ⁓ you're on your third or whatever that number looks like to you when things are really starting to shift. know that it's probably that's number you should be done before, ⁓ this is when when your personality starts ⁓ a little bit. Maybe you're getting a little bit more snippy catty or, you know, liquid courage, you will. But it's some of these things that we almost wish we kind of had without the alcohol. but we feel empowered to do or be or have once we've been drinking. But it's also some of the stuff that we really don't like in ourselves. I've learned, at least myself personally, that comes out quickly behind that or right alongside it. So for example, talking about being a little irrational, for example, and it sought on my tracks because I know that there's kind of this relationship where alcohol allows us to not feel or to have more of that confidence or to feel different things that we're looking for in it. We are using it for that, ⁓ we're using it for quickly becomes. the reason why it's become such a problem or it's starting to become problematic in our lives. a lot of times we can look and be like, I don't even know that version of myself. Like I like this version, know, ⁓ drink in or two drinks in, ⁓ come ⁓ drinks is when I don't like me anymore, right? ⁓ that's part of kind of knowing your number, knowing what that looks like. And I know for ⁓ many, it's really hard to stop at that number before that because That is when literally our prefrontal cortex shuts off. Essentially it's paralyzed and we're not able to make those decisions to be like, okay, this is a happy feeling. I want to stop now because I'm just going to be chasing a carrot that I'm never going to catch. So of the things I've learned throughout this process is, especially when we do feel like feel the goods ⁓ that first drink or two ⁓ we are kind of chasing is It's actually very revealing it's not random. Yes, might not be ⁓ the version of us, but it's revealing something in us ⁓ and our body's way of saying, hey, look at me, pay attention, I need something. So what is actually happening as we know, alcohol lowers our inhibition. So that is again, where this shuts off, we're not thinking as clearly, which on one note is some things that we love about alcohol because if we've been thinking all day, if we have this nonstop list going on in our head and all of a sudden it's gone, we love that. It is a euphoric moment. That's all it is, a moment, but that is what we're chasing. So when our inhibition is lowered, ⁓ when the truth comes out, right? That's when we're ⁓ saying things that we wouldn't have said if we were sober or ⁓ we divulge a little bit more or, maybe become a little bit more catty or combative or anything along those lines. So what is really coming out? Yes, it's somewhat of the truth, but it's not in a clean way. It's very unprocessed emotion. I know one thing that I realized far into this journey, this was maybe ⁓ a year ago or something along those lines, ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ mean, I was a drunk crier all the time. Like I would, you know, make those 2 a.m. phone calls and love you so much and crying and all that shit. Luckily that has not happened in a very long time. But one thing that I loved is I was able to be so emotional and just like process all these things or at least I thought I was. But then, I'd feel better the next day emotionally. But then the shame, the guilt, the regret, all of that would soak in too. understanding that the truth is coming out in a sense, but it's very unprocessed and it's these emotions that we're needing to deal with in a healthy way that we've just found. We've pushed them down so much that a lot of times the only way we can get to it or feel that is once we've had alcohol and typically a lot more than just that one drink or two, right? But like I said, under the surface with that, maybe we feel better once we get it out. But if it doesn't go according to plan, which a lot of times it turns into a fight, we wake up and we don't necessarily remember it like, ⁓ my God, what did I say? How did that go? Any of that, there's shame, there's guilt. There's so much is sitting under the surface with that. And it leads to this battle, right? That we're dealing with so often. This is why ⁓ a lot times it's coming out. basically kind of sideways, like it is leading to arguments, the defensiveness, the overreactions. so what I want you to hear is alcohol is not really necessarily creating the problem. It is exposing what needs to be processed. So I'm going to say that again. Alcohol is not what is creating the problem. Alcohol is exposing what needs to be processed. And this is where we really need to start digging deeper and understanding the why. This is something that we definitely do inside of Shame Over, but I just created a new, back to basics reset. I've discovered that so many people, not only ⁓ I've worked with, but who have come and gone, and it's easy to kind of slip back in old ways, even if your drinking is still a moderate level. It might be something that you're still not happy with or you're not feeling at peace with. So really getting back to basics with a drinking reset that is not at all a sobriety project or a course for you to do one day of and then never show up again. It is helping us to get back to understanding why we drink when we drink, what we love about it, but really going underneath the surface so you can dig in a lot more and uncover. what's really beneath the drinking. So as I've seen this that again, alcohol, I like to say alcohol isn't the problem, it's the solution. It absolutely is. But what is it exposing? What needs to be processed? Typically it's feelings and emotions and all these things that lead to us lashing out or lead to the resentment, lead to the passive aggressive nature. lead to the bad moods, lead to the not sleeping well, all of that. And what I found, especially with women, yes, I'll say moms, if you are not either of those, that's totally okay. This still hits you too. But have seen how conditioned we are to keep it together, to everything's fine. No, everything's not fine. Everything's great. To prioritize. everyone else and what I mean by this is many of my clients especially once they're working with me you they'll be hosting a party or something and they the need that everybody has to have a good time. I get that too, used to be the same way. This is not helpful at ⁓ because you are for you and you only. Everybody else is responsible for them and them only. If you're hosting, yes, your job is to provide options, to provide people there to, you know, hopefully have communications with each other. Maybe it's music, maybe it's games, maybe it's whatever. Besides that, that's your job. And this goes with kids too. I am speaking to myself with this. It is not our job to make sure kids are having fun. And I can get in there so much and do this and try to encourage us. it's no, the way that they're going to learn is by watching me, by watching others. I can tell them to do something. all day long and it's not going to land. It is what are they seeing as they're watching us, right? ⁓ is not me like, go play. And then I'm scrolling on my phone the whole time they're playing. Yes, it's a way for me to check out to get a moment. I need those. And I'm not saying I'm not going to stop doing that. ⁓ definitely do. But what are they seeing for me more often than not? Is it that or is it me actually ⁓ them how to play, how to have fun, how to be responsible for themselves? I, we've been talking so much in our group about, you know, like how we, we do feel like we have to have everything together. Like I will be the first to admit, I think that the only reason why women are not running the world is because we're running everything else that we don't have time to run the world. So no matter how amazing our partners are, we have so much of the mental and emotional load that we carry ourselves and all the different balls up in the air. And Most of us, especially I'll say I raised ⁓ white neighborhood, middle class. and was a very leave it to beaver energy and a sense of like, everything's great. Like every, everything's fine. Yep. All is good here. And I'm not blaming anyone for that. That is simply how my parents were raised and their parents and, know, generationally. And I have seen what a disservice that is. well, Hopefully, maybe get into that a little bit later. But it's such a disservice in the fact that when things aren't okay, you internalize that, that something's wrong with me because everything is supposed to be okay. So what does that lead us to do? Find something that's going to soothe and comfort and nurture us. And that's alcohol. It works every single time. Even if just for that five minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, it works. So we're constantly in this struggle where we're essentially performing perfection. know, we, we know we can have bad days, but what do you see everywhere you look? You know, obviously advertising it's showing 99 % of it is the best or the worst, what you don't want to be. So avoid that social media. All you are seeing is people's highlight reels. And even though you know, you know, you know that that is not their real life. That is not their 24 seven. in the background of your brain, your brain is like that, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. So we're constantly being told internally, externally, without the exact words, that we're not enough. We're not doing it right, we're not doing it well, we're falling short here, we're failing here, we're gonna screw up our kids here, all of these things. So this is such a pattern and a conditioning essentially a perfection trap. And again. what makes us feel better when we feel like we don't have control over anything, when we feel that we're falling short, that we're doing a terrible job here. I'll call. It's not creating the problem. It is exposing what needs to be processed and what we need to actually do. And this is again why, if you take nothing away from me, I swear I would have no clients if everyone just listened to the one thing that I said, which was do not drink for negative emotions. That right there transforms so much of this because you start realizing what you need to understand about yourself, what you need to process, what you need to heal, that alcohol will never do. And so... When we don't express these feelings, do they go? They definitely don't disappear. They basically just wait. And wait. wait. until that time you drink too much you pick a fight with your husband over nothing. Or start being really catty and judgmental about other people. Or you snapping your kids ⁓ and lose patience nothing. And granted, I know it doesn't feel like nothing. The stuff that I lose my mind over feels so big in the moment. And then when I look back, I'm like, I literally don't even know what I was upset about. Like, how did it lead that? It's not that, it's everything that led up to it beforehand. So I want you to take a second and just breathe. Just literally take two, three grounding breaths that help you connect, get into your body. Focus on the exhale being longer than the inhale. That's really going to help you to... calm your nervous system to connect with yourself, to let your body know that it's safe. Because so much of this comes down to, do we feel safe internally? Do we feel safe in this exact moment? I learned recently that I think it's four times every second that our brain is scanning to basically tell our nervous system if we're safe. So four times every second, that is happening. We're constantly aware of what could possibly happen. So if we're not calming our nervous system all the time, it's going to hold on especially to that energy, to that unprocessed stuff that we're just digging deep down, deeper, deeper, deeper into this hole ⁓ is just going to overflow one day. So as you're and connecting with yourself. I want you to ask yourself, what are you, what am I holding in? Maybe it's your breath. I hold my breath all the time and I've just become aware of it really this past year and ⁓ my God, am I holding on to? What am I avoiding? And what am I afraid will happen if I'm fully honest? Wow. because I think we've all learned this. aren't necessarily expressing all this when we're sober. And is why it's so much more likely to come out when we're and our guard is down. right? But again, it's coming out when our guard is down as unprocessed everything. So that's why it never comes out how we want it to, how we intend to. So this is where I really want you to feel this power shift that you are not responsible for anyone but yourself. So the next time that you host a party, the next time that you go a get together, the only person you are responsible for is yourself. If you have children, responsible that they're safe. Besides that, ⁓ they're having fun, that's not your job. That is their job to learn how to do this. they getting along with so-and-so? Okay, if you need to intervene certain situations, my kids are still young. I have to do some of that. But I also have to let go, right? It is not my job to make sure everyone's having fun, to manage the vibe of everything. I do not need to manage the room. I need to be in the room. And that is what you all please, please, please take away. Don't manage the room, just be in the room. when we're in the room and we think about it that way, we realize like, my whole job is to be here and be intentional. If you're hosting a party, you're probably having people there that you really like and enjoy and maybe want to introduce to other people or, you know, it's the way that that's fun, the way it's meaningful, memorable, is with the intention and being present. It's not because you're just completely shitfaced the whole time, right? And granted, sometimes that's part of it, I get it. It used to be a big part of my life, but ⁓ can go in those situations and I honestly have more fun when I'm not drinking or when I only have one. One, maybe two. Because once I have more than that, my focus shifts from the people that I'm with and my original intention of connection to, I'm ready for the next drink. Okay, when can I have another one? And my whole focus, subconsciously and often conscious, is about drinking. So. when we're stuck in this process or in this I should say. We're over giving, right? That is just such a commonality, especially for us women. We're just constantly giving so much of ourselves, making sure everyone's having fun, having a good time. This is loaded. That's getting done, da da da. This leads to us being depleted. This depletion then is I need a drink, right? Because so many times that we felt this depletion, drink solves the problem. There you go. So again, your brain is automatically going to connect these two and say, yes, you're feeling this way. This has helped go. This is also why resentment comes out so much verbally when we're drinking. Why we kind of turn into kind of this different person. Because we're not managing it throughout when it's actually a good, healthy, sober time to do so. And why this is hitting so much, I guess so close to home for me specifically is I am just so aware the two young, beautiful babies that I'm raising that are me all day long that they don't learn from what I say. They learn from I do, how I act, what I model. So I am very, very, very happy that I am not numbing out or checking out or using alcohol to that for me. Granted, I'm still overextending myself in other ways. ⁓ use my phone way too much to check out, to just out, which they feel that and they see that. I... I hate that. That is one thing that I'm really focused on because I don't want them to be sucked into this device that steals everything. Like, sold. They're attention. They're everything. And is, this is not about shame. This is simply awareness. So again, back to those questions. What are you holding in? What are you holding onto? What are you avoiding? and mostly what am I afraid will happen. Because so much of our fear lives in areas that we know it's never gonna happen. The likelihood of that happening is ⁓ to none. But we're in that moment that that one thing happened. Maybe it was when we were five, maybe it was in middle school. We probably don't even remember it. ⁓ And our body is held onto that so long that as soon as we get this uncomfortable thing, we start kind of going back there. is why we have to be checking in with ourselves constantly ⁓ get a pulse on where we are, what's going on, what we're holding on to, ⁓ needs to be released and what are we afraid of? Because if we don't feel safe, then we're constantly going to be holding on these things ⁓ guards going to be up. And for those listening, you're going to be turning to alcohol or food or social media or shopping or something to make yourself feel better. Because that what you've been doing for so long ⁓ soothing. soothing yourself by making yourself feel better through consumption. And this is something that so many of us are guilty of. know, drinking is self-soothing. If you've had a bad day, let's have a drink. It's been a stressful week, let's have a drink. Oh, we're at a funeral. We cannot be at a funeral without drinking, right? Or even a two-year-old's birthday party. Like, it's self-soothing. Self-soothing, another word of regulation. But this is... fake regulation. It doesn't actually help our nervous system at all. And honestly, it just makes it worse. Which I've had to learn this the hard way myself. So for so many of us, it's not that we actually want alcohol. It's that we need comfort. We need that nurturing or support. alcohol has been the closest thing for us for such ⁓ long time. And again, our brain is the whole purpose, well, not the whole purpose, but what our brain's number one job is, is to keep us safe and to conserve energy. So it's going to find a way to make us feel safe as quick and easy as possible. That doesn't mean it actually is making us safe. It's what we've taught it is making us safe. Alcohol has done that for so long. What we have to realize instead is this is just unmet needs. And this could be from a lack of emotional safety growing up or even physical safety. It could be from a lack of this feeling of being really safe and nurtured with those you love anytime in your life, even recently. It is our nervous system being so dysregulated that it doesn't know how to calm itself and get back to the base layer that we're supposed to be living at most of the time. So this whole thing that we're talking about is why decided that I needed to create a reset for so many people. So whether you just absolutely need a reset and ⁓ like, ⁓ need to ⁓ in with myself, whether it's been a while, whether you just want to jump spring with a fresh start. And so you kick into summer feeling really great about yourself. ⁓ emotionally, physically, all that good stuff. is what this is for. It is not just about drinking less. Like I said, ⁓ is not a sobriety thing. If you decide you want to not drink during the time, great. ⁓ this reset is more of an emotional, spiritual ⁓ where ⁓ going to be drinking less is the ultimate goal. ⁓ we get there through understanding and awareness and uncovering what's underneath, uncovering those limited beliefs that we have, especially around alcohol. When we can understand what's underneath, we're not fighting ourselves anymore. We're not self-sabotaging. We're not using alcohol as the way to soothe, nurture ourselves, to get the support that we're not feeling externally. So we are getting back to basics. again, ⁓ is going to be focused on awareness, on regulation, ⁓ all these patterns that were going on so you could really learn what you need in the moment. And alcohol is just kind of the cherry on top. So if you want to really understand what's driving your drinking, that's literally everything changes. Check out the I will put it in the show notes. But ⁓ at the end of the day, it's really about feeling safe and realizing that you're not just overreacting in these moments that alcohol is bringing that out to you. You're under expressing and this is when your brain is feeling safe enough to allow you to get all these unprocessed emotions out. So this sounds good to you. Again, it'll be in the show notes, but more than anything, please take these questions away. listen to them, write them down and maybe ask yourself them every day a couple times a week would be amazing to really check in with yourself for how am I feeling? What am I holding onto? What am I holding in? What am I avoiding? And what am I afraid will happen? And then getting real about what that actually looks like in a curious way. You're not going to be showing up with judgment. You're not gonna be like, well, that's why, that's why, that's why. It's just pure curiosity. So with that. I'll see you guys again soon. Cheers.