Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 190. The Conversation No Mother Is Ready For: Cancer, Courage & Hope with Mysha Jackson

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190. The Conversation No Mother Is Ready For: Cancer, Courage & Hope with Mysha Jackson · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashi
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 3: Hello everybody, welcome back to she Rises. We have a
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: very special guest on actually, our dance teacher and friend, Misha.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: us today. Thank you for having me.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: We're really honored to have you on here and really
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: admire your bravery to talk about what you've been going through.
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: And we really wanted to bring you on because you
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: have been very vulnerable online and sharing your journey with
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: cervical cancer. So we want to go through your whole
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: journey of how you found out, how it's been feeling
• 0:56
  Speaker 3: for you.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: You're a mum of three kids, you run.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: A crazy, big busy business, You've got a husband, and
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: this is something that a lot of people, I suppose
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: don't know much.
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: So I'd love to.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: Hear from you your journey and advice along the way
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: for anyone who might be going through this or you know,
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: even the testing process of getting perhaps me is there's
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: so much I want to cover U.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Yes, so much.
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So can you just take us back to when
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: you found out, how you found out the symptoms, the signs,
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: all that kind of stuff.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: When I look at it now, I see the signs,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: but I didn't see them at the time, Like I
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: thought it was just something that was not necessarily normal.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: But I had just had a baby. Were one year
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I've having a baby, so things like bleeding or unusual
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: periods was not something that I was very concerned about
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: at the time. How I found out was I was
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: in church actually, and I stood up, we were about
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: to leave, we were doing worship, and I just started bleeding,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: like lots of blood started coming out when I was
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: in church, and I don't normally go to the session,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: so it was very different for me to be at
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: the session. And my husband was outside, which is something
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: that he doesn't normally do either, And I come out
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: this door and he just sees me and he's like,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: are you okay? I just feel like being here. I
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: was like I don't know, I'm just bleeding. So we
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: ended up going home and it continued, so we called
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: the ambulance. I'm very hesitant about calling the ambulance obviously
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: now I've been there many times, but this would have
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: been my first time calling the ambulance. So I assumed
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: that when you call the ambulance or you go to hospital,
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: that something's really wrong. I didn't want to take someone
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: else's place. I needed to be really sure that this
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: was something really serious, and so they ended up coming.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: They did all the tests and they said I was fine,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: but recommended me to still come in. And I, again,
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure, Like if you say I'm fine, like
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I think I'll be fine, Like I don't really feel
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: like I having to go in. But this way that
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: this guy said to me, and I've actually written his
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: name down as well, he said to me, you really
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: should come in. And I was like, oh, okay, Like
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: that's a bit weird. It was at ten o'clock at night.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking about my kids, my husband's got work in
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: the morning. So logistics of life, yeah, like I don't
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: know how long will I be there before, Yeah, convenience
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: come in? Yeah, I don't mum. I was busy in there,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: like it was just like all these things, like I
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: had tired and then I'm gonna be talking tomorrow for
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: the kids. But yeah, So I ended up going and
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: they did all the tears. They said everything was fine.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: They assumed maybe I had had a miscarriage. So I
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: sort of was like, okay, I had never experienced that before,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: so I was like, okay, maybe that's what it is,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: the bleeding all things like that. So after that, he
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: said to me, you should go and see your gynocologist.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: I actually have a gynocologist, which is I don't normally
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: have these people, but my obstetrician used to be a gynecologist.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: My birth was actually the last one he became back
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: to a gynocologist. So I was like, okay, I'll go back, yeah,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: because I was like, I know him. I was so
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: excited to see him again. Yeah, good relationship with him. Yeah.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: So I was like really excited about that. So we
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: ended up He's so booked. So it was like two weeks.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: So that time, nothing had happened between those two weeks,
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: more bleeding, no more bleeding, nothing. I felt fine, everything
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: was fine. I then went to the obstetrition. I'm like
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: taking photos when I'm walking in, I'm taking photos with him.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited, and you know, I get up on
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: the whatever the seat, and he starts. I don't even
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: know what he's doing, but he's like, you're bleeding a lot,
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: and I was like a perps. No. He was just
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: like I don't even know what he was doing. It
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: was internal though, it's like a little swab type thing,
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: but I'm really bleeding, like I need to stop. And
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, what does that mean? And then
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: he did the sort of like ultrasound and he said
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: to me, I can see something, but I need to
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: talk to you about it. And I was like, okay,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: then still by yourself. By the way, by myself, I'm
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: thinking that this is just a check out. Absolutely not.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: I'd see him. Yeah, I'm so like, baby's going great.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: I have a photo of me like this and he's
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: like down there because I'm just so excited, Like I'm
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: like he's back together because I didn't have in the
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: last my last pregnancy, my third child, because he had
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: already gone back to going to college. So I was
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: like when I found that out, I was like, oh
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: my God, I'm never going to see you again. I
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: wish you know. So, yeah, I was really excited. He
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: ended up sitting me down and he said, I know
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: the type of person you are because obviously I've known
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: you for a long time. She said, I'm just going
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: to be straightforward. And then he said it could be
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: one of like two things, like he said, you could
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: either have a vibroid or cancer. And I was like, oh,
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: I didn't think anything really, so I said, okay, well
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: what do I do? He is like, you need to
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: go and get tested straight away, like today, and it's
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: already three o'clock. Where am I? Kid, Like, I'm thinking again,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: not the day. I'm like at the time? Off, yeah,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: like I was, yeah, So I don't know. I just
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: I didn't really think of anything. I messaged my mom,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: she's in the same facility where his workers, and I said,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: you need to come with me. So I was downstairs
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: in reception calling all these places. I need to get
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: an urgent scam, like it has to be today, and
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: then I ended up finding one in Broadbeach. We went
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: down there. I'm still not really thinking anything. I can
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: tell that my mum is sort of thinking something, but
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: like mom's intuition. Yeah, but I'm also just sort of
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: I don't know yet, so I'm not really someone that well.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: I think knowing you, you're quite a cup full. You're
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: very positive outlook on life, so yeah, leaning on that,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I think so yeah, I just wasn't thinking anything. And
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: then when we went and they did the scan, so
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: it was a guy scanner, and then so a girl
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: has to be in there with you, so he was
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: like doing the scan, he wasn't saying anything, which wasn't
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: unusual for me. I've never been through this, so I'm like,
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: maybe they just don't talk. And then I sort of
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: like got a glimpse of the girl and she just
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: didn't look okay, like to the point where I was
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: going to be like, are you okay? Oh wow, yeah,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Like I felt her it just felt heavy of whatever
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: she was looking at, and she just sort of was
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: sitting like sitting back. He actually said to me, has
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: anyone talked to you about this? So I said no,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: like I had my obstutrician, well, my gynecologists, and he
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: said that it could be like one of two things,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: and he was like, oh okay, then, so you sort
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: of know it could be one of two things. I'm like, yeah,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: and then I started asking questions like how big is it,
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: like these types of questions, and he said, well, what
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I can see inside of you? Because I had actually
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: already checked youpt it on the way as if its
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: size of these things, yeah, self diagnosed. Yeah, So it
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: was sort of like anything bigger than three and a
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: half centimeters was normally cancer. Everything that's small is sort
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: of not. And so when he said to me that
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: it was eight centimeters, I sort of already knew. And
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: then straight away I clicked into it's okay, like you
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: don't need to tell me like I already know, because
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to upset him. Yeah, oh, trying to
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: take care of him off me. Sure, and and then
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: I need to go and get my senior to talk
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: to you. And I was like okay. And then they
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: came in, and I feel like they maybe they probably
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: weren't expecting this for a Tuesday afternoon either, that they're
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: telling someone that's young that they have cancer. So they
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: were sort of beating around the bush as well, and
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I said it's okay, like I sort of already know,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: and they're like, okay, so you're okay and I'm like,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: I'm okay, let's go like I don't feel yeah, I
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: don't want to be yet take it. Yeah. So I
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: ended up going back to my mum's house and I
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: told my dad and I think, as a family, we're
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: very let's wait to make sure. Let's just really make
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: sure of that. So my obstetrician ended up putting me
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: gynocologis just ended up putting me with the top surgeon
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: that deals with things like cervical cancer, and same thing again.
• 8:19
  Speaker 5: Go in.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: He tries to do the thing, I'm bleeding too much
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: when you do a biopsy. So I'm doing CT scans
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: and this is all like it felt like forever, but
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: this is all within a week that all of this
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: is sort of happening. One night again, I have another
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: episode of the bleeding again. So this is probably three
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: weeks from my first one because I had to wake
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks for my gynocologists. But this time
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not feeling well. I think now because I know
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: that it's potentially cancer that now I'm starting to fear
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: what is happening, And you know, you're bleeding out Like
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I'm talking, these are massive, really big cloths that I like,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: you're holding your hands with people that cla't see double
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: the size of two tennis balls. Yeah, literally like that,
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: And I'm talking lots almost to where like I'm pushing.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: I have a friend who has really heavy peers it
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: hers are like that, so I sort of begin wasn't
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: really worried about that, So we went to the hospital again.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: The ambulance came and got me again, and my husbands
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: didn't even come at that time. I think because I'm
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: calm by nature, I didn't think to worry. But I think,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: obviously now I realize that I'm not super calm. I
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: just don't want to inconvenience anyone else or let anyone
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: else worry, like I'd rather just wait until I know
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: and then I can talk you through it, if that
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: makes sense. At the same time, because I had already
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: told my husband because I had like a scan already
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: previous to this, so he sort of knew what was
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: going on but didn't quite know how to deal with it.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: And I think I was really sort of like, to everyone,
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: it's okay, let's just figure it out first before anyone
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: even reacts. I didn't have the capacity for anyone's emotions
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: and then at that stage, so I'm just blocking.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah everyone really back to that appointment that did they
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: say me, should you have stage three?
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: No, They're not actually allowed to tell me that, so
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: you just my thought.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: I said, I think I'm I'm okay, I think I
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: know what it is, and they were like, okay, go
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: off to you.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: I think I'm the type of person that somebody trusts.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: So when I asked the question, it's they maybe forget
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: that they're not allowed to tell me that. Does that
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: make an Yeah, Like I probably asked different questions like
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: how big is it? Have you seen this before? So
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: you yeah this? Yeah, And I wasn't meaning to do that.
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: It was just yeah, your natural curiosity was like, okay,
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: I want to unpack this.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, different questions. Yeah, And because where he made the
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: mistake was he said I see fibroids all the time,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: but I don't see this all the time. So I
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: was like, okay, I understand, just like peasing together together, yes,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: without it being like that. So yeah, So I ended
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: up the second time where I was not feeling good,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I ended up going to the hospital. Once I got
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: to the hospital, I was feeling okay, I needed to
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom, I
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: sat down on the toilet, and I could just feel
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: something wasn't right. So I differently, you hadn't felt before, not, Yeah,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: I hadn't felt like this was almost like my body
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: was about to be taken from me. And I actually
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: called the buzzer and then I laid on the floor.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: And at that time, between standing up and laying on
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: the floor, I just had all this blood come out
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: where I sort of just like started to faint, like
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: and I could I remember feeling it was like having
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: small tennis balls coming out, like just all of these
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: and then I just remember had fainted obviously, and I
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: could just hear all these footsteps around me and you know,
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: me show you away, you know. And I've never heard
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: anything like that. So I was probably scared, and my
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: body was again shutting down even more than what it
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: already was because I didn't feel safe. My husband wasn't there.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: I was fully naked as well, as I had to
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: say that was yeah. So I just remember closing my
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: eyes and just didn't want to wake up pretty much.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Then they put me in the emergency and I was
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: in so much pain. I always talk about this pain
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: and sort of being like the ring of fire when
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: you have your baby. Yeah, that's what it felt like.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: Oh I'm burning, I'm yelling and I'm not a yeller, like,
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: oh my com in so much pain, Like help me,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I'm lifting up like my body like it was a
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: whole body experience. But because I had never been to hospital,
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: I had never said that I could have certain things
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: like they needed someone of right mind to tell me
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: that I can have four phine or something four fine
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: or f interannel was what they wanted to give me.
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: That you're not allergic to anything or anything like that.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: You never no, Yeah, because I drive at Gold Coast
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Private as well, were natural different hospitals, Yeah, and we
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: are of Yeah, so I didn't even have a file
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: really of what's going on.
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: They ended up giving me the Finchnel and I felt
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: instantly bitter, and I was like, okay, that's instantly, Like instantly,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: I forget that feeling. And I remember saying to my husband,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: I understand people, because if you are in pain, that
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: the head of relief. Yeah, instant, it would the way
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: people to honestly instant. Yeah, and then I could talk properly,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: you know, taking a deep breath and then they like,
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: you need to go into emergency surgery. And I was like, Okay,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: what's going on. I'm not really understanding what's going on.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: And what they ended up doing and that surgery was
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: packing me with like gauze because I was bleeding so much.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I'm bleeding out. Yeah, so we ended up packing me
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: with gus. And then that's pretty much how I found
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: out when I woke up lots of people talking to me.
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: Now I'm meeting cancer nurses, oncologist radiation, and that's when
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: I knew for sure that I had cancer. And I
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: found out that I had stage three cancer when they
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: told me. Yeah, wow, that must have been so hard
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: to hear. It was the booklets which really done it
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, like the cancer like and I was
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: like reading that word. Yeah, I was still curious. I'm
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: a curious person what this is. I've never seen cancer before. Yeah,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: so to me, it's what I see in the movies. Really,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen anyone close yeah never, so I'd seen
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: like right at the very end of what happens to cancer,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: So I think that that's what I thought it was.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: And yeah, so that's how I found out and pretty
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: much from there. Obviously, it's been the other journey.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: When you were going through that moment and you were
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: like reading the booklets and you were kind of realizing
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: what was kind of happening. What was going through your
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: mind in that moment, like we were you, was there
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: anything specific you were processing what was happening? Where were
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: your thoughts going.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Honestly, it was really interesting to me to find out
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: all of this and to be reading about it, and
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: I just felt like I knew so much new information.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: I think my mind wasn't really understanding what I was
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: going through. I think I was blocking a lot of
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: that and just being oh, this is interesting, like this
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: is about do you know what I mean? Yeah? I
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: didn't even think for a second like this is going
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: to suck. Yeah, like I don't know at that time, Yeah,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: I didn't.
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: It was like an element of shock.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is just.
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: Not I be able to walk us through stage one,
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: stage two, stage three, stage four.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is so stage three. So when I first
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: was diagnosed with stage three, it meant that it was
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: just in one area, okay, and then once they had
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: done surgery, I went up to stage three C soh yeah.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: So it's like different letters as well. Yeah, so stage
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: three C means that it has now spread to my
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: lymph nodes, so they couldn't perform surgery. That's a lot
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: of questions I get us, like why can't you just
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: get surgery and just do a full hys direct to me,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: because that's what people do as well. But because it
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: had spread to my lymph notes, you can't do a
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: full hysterect to me because it will still be in
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: your lymph notes, so I would still need to go
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: through the chemo and the radiation. So their idea is
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: to have the chemo on the radiation and then they
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: shrink it and then see where I go from there.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: But then stage four obviously meaning that has spread to
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: other parts of your body, which could mean that you're terminal.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I haven't looked too much of what that means because
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: that is my next stage if this didn't work, So
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I'm solely focusing on that. It is just stage three C,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: and that's yeah, what it is. But in saying that
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: stage one and stage two, if I had had a
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: pap smear, they would have known that way earlier on.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: You know, cervical cancer is the slowest growing which means
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: that I've probably had this around four years. So that
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: was a little bit shocking. And because I had complications
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: throughout my pregnancies both of my last two children, where
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I was bleeding throughout, and so that was hard and
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: they couldn't pick up on the fact that actually that
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: was a tumor bleeding and not me and or me
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: getting my period or anything like that. And because I
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: had been told that, you know, you could still get
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: your period, and I seen other women get it as well,
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: so I thought, Okay, I didn't think I had cancer throughout,
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: you know, so when I had actually sort of found
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: out that, it's hard to say. I wish I found
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: out earlier because then I wouldn't have had my two kids.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Oh right, you know, so you go into this sort
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: of fear gratitude at the same time type of thing. Tricky. Yeah, yeah, so.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: You're like, thank goodness it all happened the way it did.
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: But also both can coexist like.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: One hundred percent, like coags are seen at the same time,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: and just really it's funny because it's me that's doing it.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: But it's almost like I'm two people. Yes, one's not
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: worse than the other, but yeah. Yeah, I'm just like,
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: I'm grateful that I have the kids and yeah, yeah.
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: And you wouldn't change that for the world.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't change that potentially finding out the answers, Not
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: that I would change it, but maybe I would think
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: differently because now if they would obviously be without me,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: then that is also hard.
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a whole other hurd fish, that's a whole
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: other thing. Yeah.
• 17:58
  Speaker 3: Yeacause when I saw you at dance class last time,
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: I remember you saying you said you won't actually know
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: until February if this is all worse.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Can you explain how that? Yes, So, because the radiation
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: means that you are inflamed, like your stomach is inflamed,
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: so when they do the CT scan, they can't tell
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: if it's inflammation or if it's cancer. Oh wow, yes,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: so odd. Yeah. So, because I have superlalcans, I've got
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: to wait so long. But because I've been sick, it
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: keeps getting pushed because I'm getting all these issues and
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: things like that. And ideally what is meant to happen
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: for me is that I could have gone through this
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: radiation chemotherapy and sort of just had a rest and
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: healed and then you know, had some time before I
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: you know, found out the answers, whereas you know, this
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: is the longest time I've been out of hospital, two
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: weeks since June, and like, I feel good, but I
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: always feel good, you know, so it's yeah, so I'm
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: going to be finding out in Fearbru. I've got my
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: scan sort of in jam and then they wait a
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: couple of weeks and then you find out if it
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: has worked or not. And I haven't asked too much
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: questions what that means, because they tell me every time
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: it's shrinking, they say it's shrinking, it's drinking, and I'm like,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: but I don't know, does that mean that it's going
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: to keep growing? Like I haven't really asked those questions yet.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: And the doctors, the oncologist doctors don't really prepare you
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: for things. They sort of just tell you how it
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: is right now. Obviously there's a reason for that, and
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: maybe they don't want you to worry or you know,
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: I'm not too sure, but it's very much like, yeah,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: they just stay by day. They just don't tell you
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: like what if or maybe I'm not actually asking and
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking that I'm asking in there, but I'm not
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: actually asking, like what's going to happen to me?
• 19:37
  Speaker 5: You know?
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: Can you take us back? So you've found out?
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: And then when did they start the chemo in the
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: radiation and I know you're in hospital twice a day
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: for like six weeks.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Can you take us through that?
• 19:47
  Speaker 5: Yes?
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: So when I got the packing is when it all
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: started straight away, right at the start. So I ended
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: up doing the mapping, which is where you go into
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: the scan and they map out where they're going to
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: target the cancer from the radiologist. And I went into
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: that mapping and you know, I'm in a wheelchair. I
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: already she being six three months prior, had rhinovirus because
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: my immunity was so low, I was not all there
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: at all. I'm being wheeled in a wheelchair, and I
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: can see a girl and like I noticed her. I've
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: seen her before somewhere, and I can just tell that
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: she's looking at me. And that was really hard for
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: the mapping part of it, because again now I'm being
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: vulnerable as and I've got to take my pants off,
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: like I've got to, you know, and there's like five
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: people in there that are you know, all of my
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: business but it's not. It's not that I wouldn't mind
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I'm minding because I'm bleeding. Yeah, you know, so I
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: feel like that's a lot more vulnerable.
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: It's a hundred yeah, yeah vulnerable.
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: So yeah, so we're doing the mapping everything like that.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: We go back and I pretty much start the radiation
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: whilst in hospital. So when I look back now, I
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: probably would have asked how much longer I could have waited,
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: only because I wasn't. Wow, already, I'm starting chemo and
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I'm starting radiation and it's making it probably worse to me,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: which is probably why I've had. You know, I'm asleep
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: most of the day because they're giving me oxy coating
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: and fintanol and morphine, and you know, it did become
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: quite a laugh because I would just be asleep for days,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: like not that it's laughable, but because even panandole does
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: that to me. I don't take pananto, I don't take anything.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: So I was really just out all the time. But
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I started that radiation inside there, and it's not what
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: I thought it was. I don't even know what I
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: thought it was, to be honest. Like you just go
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: in there and you just lay down it's two minutes
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: and you sort of just leave mine. Anyway. It was
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, the girls were lovely. Did it hurt? No, no,
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: none of it hurt. Are you laying down one of
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: those machines? Yeah, it's back in. No, No, I'm laying
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: down a machine and it goes around you. Oh yeah,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: it goes around you and targets everything. So at the start,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: absolutely no pain. I'm there every day, so you've got
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: to go in every day. So at some stage between here,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: I've gone home, but I'm in Beard most days, and
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: then the only time I'm getting out is to go
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: to radiation. Yeah, And I look back at that now,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: and that was really good for me because once I
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: stopped the radiation, I didn't get out of BID because
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: that was the only reason why I got out of BID.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: So it really forced me to and also been around
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: other people. I think that was my only interaction obviously
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: my kids and my husband. It was vulnerable too, because
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: I knew the girl in there that was doing it
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: as well, and I felt like I hadn't told people
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: and people already knew, you know, and it became really
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: hard for me to navigate that. So I did ended
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: up telling social media and obviously I'm a very private person,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: so that was really big, big for me to actually do.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: But once I did that, it was like a sign
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: of relief because I had been sick. You know, I've
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: been in hospital, people not knowing for a month now
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: and no one knew anything.
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: And even our private dance class like the timing of that, yeah,
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: like no one would have known, no bubbly dancing.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Yes, I was still showing up for work, doing what
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I can. Yeah.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that itself would have been such a heavy weight
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: to carry because you're trying to as if nothing is happening,
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: but you're having your own experience.
• 23:07
  Speaker 4: It's a big life changing thing.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: That's you know, come and taking your life by storm
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: and then having to feel like you need to be
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: a certain way.
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: It's like, yeah, weight in itself.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Yes, it definitely was. I didn't look at it like that.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I feel like it was taking my mind off at
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: the time, you know, normal again. Yeah, like when I'm
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: coming into the studio and doing your one on ones,
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: like I wasn't thinking, you know. I think one time
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: I remember looking at my hand and I still had
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: the the thing on and I'm teaching in class, teaching,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: and I've still got my hospital band on. I'm just like, no,
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I'm coming straight from hospital to there, you know. But
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: when I'm in the studio, I feel okay. Yeah, that's
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: the thing. Yeah, you know, when I'm not okay, I'm
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: not so I'm not there. So I was never pushing
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: myself beyond limits. I wasn't pushing my body, but I
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: think I was pushing my mind if that yeah, I
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: can do this, it's yeah. I started all that, and
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: then yet with the radiation every day for seven weeks,
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: I think I had twenty eight rounds every day, just radiation,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: not chemo. Yet chemo was Monday, oh so once a week,
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: once a week. So I had the first three and
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: then I started to get sick, so I didn't end
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: up having three and four, and then I had the
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: last one five as well. So I was in and
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: out of hospital throughout that whole period because I would
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: get sick. You do radiation that you get this, you know,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: they're burning me, if that makes sense. They're burning my bow.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: So I'm having issues with going to the toilet, or
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I'm going to the toilet too much, or because I'm
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: in and out of emergency I'm catching other things like
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: so's Yeah it wasn't even a good time. Yeah, just
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: catching a lot of things. But again, this is where
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I started to figure out sort of what cancer looked like.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: So when you walk in, there's a cancer ward, which
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: I didn't even know that. So there's a chemo where
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: people get chemo or they might be getting something else
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: to do with cancer, and people are there like in
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: their work uniform, just coming in getting it and then leaving.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Like it wasn't what I thought it was going to be,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: you know, like everyone you know lost their hair or
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: everyone was really free, Like that's what I assumed it
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: was going to be. But it just looked nor visual
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: almost to me. Yeah, like it was normal. People are smiling,
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: people are it was, you know, And I feel like
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: a lot changed for me during that, you know, when
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I would go out again after just having chemo, just
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: having radiation, and I'd be at a cafe like and
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: I would think to myself, like no one would know
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: what I'm doing right now, you know, And I feel
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: like that made me think about other people, Like I
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: wonder what other people were going through. So I learned
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: a lot through that and to be kinder to people. Yeah,
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: just more compassionate, just thinking about other people. Yeah, yeah,
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: so I really I really liked that. Actually that was
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: lovely really a good sort of thing to take away
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: from me. But yeah, the chemo and the radiation, I
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: didn't get their fixed after it all happened. Oh okay, Yeah,
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: So I thought once we sort of finished, it was
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: like okay, done, Yeah, but it wasn't until the effis
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: come in later. So I then to Brisbane and did
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: the brecotherapy, which was the internal radiation. So they have
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: the sticks inside of you and you lay flat for
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: three days. You can't move for three days. You've got
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: epydura and you can't move and about that. That was
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: meant to be the hardest part, but I actually found
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: that the most easiest part. Interesting. Yeah, I think I
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: don't know if it was because they don't really come
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: in and no one's really doing it that you sort
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: of just sit there for three days. And I had
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: three days of just sort of being by myself and
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: no one really doing anything for me. You had your
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: morphine button that you had to obviously keep pressing for pain,
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: but I didn't feel any pain or discomfort. Everyone was
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: really nice and I actually hadn't spoken to one of
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: my friends for about three months, and so we spoke
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: for majority of that time. I hadn't really spoken to
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: a lot of my friends throughout that whole period, so
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: was I was speaking to different people, and so it
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: was sort of made it nicer. I feel, you know,
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: connection as medicine. So I really felt that beautiful person. Yeah,
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: I really felt that throughout.
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: That's so nice being among myself. I can't even begin
• 27:06
  Speaker 3: to imagine having to tell, especially your oldest, it's your
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: oldest ten. She's just an eleven eleven, and I've got
• 27:12
  Speaker 3: a ten year old life if you're open to it.
• 27:16
  Speaker 3: It doesn't sound like there was even much time to
• 27:18
  Speaker 3: sit her down and have a conversation. But I know
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: she's very emotionally intelligent. Yes, how did you approach that
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: with her? Compared to your youngest? Do they understand? How
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: do you think they're coping with it? Do they ask questions?
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: My son he's only just turned twos, like you, He's
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: jumping on me when I'm coming home my oldest daughter.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: I don't think that she realized till later on. So
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I had told her, but I guess I don't know
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: how to tell her, you know, Like I just said
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: to her, like I have cancer and I'm going to
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: be getting treated for her in the hospital every day.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: And she was sort of like okay, And so I
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: was like okay. I wasn't emotional or anything like that.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: I believed in what I was doing. I have this,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: this is going to happen, and this is the outcome.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: So why would I think anything different that create safety
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: for her too. It's like, Okay, mom's sick, she's getting treatment,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: she's coming out one hundred percent. Yeah, I didn't think anything.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: So she ended up staying at my parents' house throughout
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: the whole process. They live close to her school. She
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: didn't really see, if that makes sense. Yeah, she didn't really.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: She would come home on the weekends, but I would
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: either actually be in hospital or if I'm out of hospital,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: I'm okay, So I'm sort of doing things. So she
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: didn't really see. It wasn't until her friends actually edited
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: me on Instagram like yeah, and one of them went
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: up to her and said, like, you know, your mom
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: has cancer, and she was like yeah, I know. Like
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: and that's with a conversation, yeah, a sort of cart
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: like are you not scared? Are you not this? And
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: so then that's when she came home and said to me, like,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: does this mean that you're going to like die? I said,
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure, Like this is what I've been told,
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: this is what's going to happen, and this is what
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: I believe is going to be happen. And so she
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: was like okay, and I was like, yeah, okay. There
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: will be definitely a lot of unpacking that I'll need
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: to do with that later on. At that time, I
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: didn't have the capacity for her or her emotions or
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: the questions because I guess no one's really asked you.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: You know, she's only a child. So that's why she
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: feels probably confident asking me, are you gonna die? You know,
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: I don't think my mom and my husband's gonna ask
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: me that. She was probably shouted from it quite a lot.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: My youngest daughter, not so much when I she is
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: three almost four, Yes, yes, yeah, So just things that
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: she says like you know, no filter kids, yes like that,
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: or things that she shouldn't know, you know, like oh
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: you going are you going to hospital again? Or are
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: you getting that machine again? Or if I'm second bid?
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: She would bring all of her toy. Oh there, she said,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: it's okay, like I'll look after you and you know,
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: please don't go to the hospital, like I'll get you water,
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: like I'll do this. So like she was very sort
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: of attentive to that, and then when I would go
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: to hospital, she would obviously be crying a lot. It
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: was that was very sad, And there was times there
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: where when I'm in hospital, obviously I posted bout it
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: and people want to come see me, but you're not
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: actually allowed to come see me because I don't I
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: don't know what I have and I could either maybe
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: give it to you or you could give me something
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: that you have. Yeah, so people are not actually allowed
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: to see you. So there was a period there or
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: I didn't see isolating. Yes, see my kids, So I'm
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: not allowed to see anyone. Oh wow, you.
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: Would think that it would be like family they allow
• 30:20
  Speaker 2: or they have some certain flexibility around us.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: It's actually worse because they carry the gym.
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, everything touch everything, so like, what do you mean
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: I have to have a shower years.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: So there was one stage there were that was really emotional.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: I'd rung her and she was just so upset, asking
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: me to come home and I'm crying, she's crying, and
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: then you know, when she came in, it was it
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: was so beautiful, like I just feel so connected to her.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: I felt that was definitely very hard for her. And
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: even now if I'm today, where are you going? You know,
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I'm just doing a podcast? You know what's that is that?
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: At the hospital? You know, it's just like the curiosity
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: with you. Yes, yeah, And then they do give you
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: little books and things like that. They're not like great,
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: like mom has cancer, day has cancer, Grandma has like
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: a cancer, and this whole book so like my momber
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: my dad reading it and he was like, oh, I
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: don't think we should be reading this. I feel like
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: everyone's got cancer. Like this is confusing. It is, it
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: is confusing. So I didn't. But I let them see
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: me when I'm sick. I let them see me when
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: I'm upset. I let them see me how I overcome things.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: And I think that's just the best that I can do.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: My daughter will sit the other day spewing, her first
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: time spewing, and youngest one, my yeah, all youngest, and
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: she was spewing in the middle of the night and
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: she was just spewing and then she'd go back to
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: sleep and then go back to sleep not phazed. Woke
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: up in the morning and she was like, I'm spewing
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: like you mummy like and just carried on with life.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: And I thought, oh, because I'm freaking obviously just spewing
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: all through my bit and I'm also like not allowed
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: to be around spear at the same time, so I'm
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: like that going on, you know. But yeah, like, because
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: I've showed when you spewing, it's like sort of okay, yeah,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: you'll be okay, it's going to be okay, And actually didn't,
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: so I started to notice those funs literally incredible to go.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: So yeah, so that's definitely how they have taken it.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe later on might be a little bit different and
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: you have a few more conversations and hard conversations of course.
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and what about Robbie, which is your beautiful supportive husband. Yes,
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: you know, it's I feel like even through it's obviously
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: very different, but just through parenthood and birth, like the
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: dads kind of get forgotten about and not realizing they're
• 32:36
  Speaker 3: going through all this with you, just not the physical experience,
• 32:38
  Speaker 3: but obviously loves the fuck out of you.
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: Yes, and he's trying.
• 32:41
  Speaker 3: To be a dad and run his business and make
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: sure you're okay, Like, can you walk us through how
• 32:45
  Speaker 3: that's impacted your relationship, your intimacy, your connection, how he's
• 32:49
  Speaker 3: coping mentally with it?
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: Yes, so my husband, honestly, he's just here, is the best.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: He's amazing. Yeah, he really is a beautiful man. Yes,
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: and definitely has tested the relationship. I can imagine because
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: his capacity is only so much and I'm only talking
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: to him. I only trust him to know all this information,
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: so I'm just directing everything at him. He's your rock,
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: that's it, you know. So what am I doing? I
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: need you to know. I need the answers from you.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? And I don't think
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: that I ever considered how he was feeling at the
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: start or how he was doing it, because my capacity
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: has always been so full. So I'm able to make
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: the bear do this, do that, do all the kids,
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: do the business, hold it all?
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: Ye?
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Quite well? No issues? Yeah, Alien, this should be easy
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: for you to do it, you know, but he's never
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: been in that role before. Yeah, So there was times
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: there where I thought, you don't know what you're doing,
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: and like I'm getting worse because you don't know how
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: to look after me.
• 33:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: I held that a lot. You know, there was times
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: where I did say things and there was times where
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: I didn't. But what I ended up doing was I
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: ended up going to a counselor and talking about it.
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: And that's when it's sort of just everything came on
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: and I feel like all that resentment that I had,
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: I now felt softer. I almost felt guilt for even
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: thinking like that because he was doing everything that he
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: could do or using the tools that he knew how to.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: Because you know, even though we have the three kids,
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: he hasn't looked after them when they're sick. I do.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: He hasn't done the school drop off this, and then
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: you know, my daughter's school has one hundred emails per
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: day that has things that she does. You know I
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: do that. And it's not saying that he doesn't do anything,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: but it's just that his capacity wasn't fo that his
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: was already full. My husband does all the cooking and
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: all that type of thing, so now he's doing both. Yeah,
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: so that was stretch. It is a big stretch for him.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: At the start, it was like, why can't you just
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: get it together, Like I've got cancer, Like, can't you
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: just get it together? Like it's only this, Like I
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: couldn't understand that because what I do it was easy
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, yes, And you're like, I'm going to cancer,
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: it's my normal.
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but this is normal.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I'm like, this isn't like what do you
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: mean you don't know how to cook and do? Like,
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: what do you mean?
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: It's just that same expectation because that was your normal
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: and everyday life and you're like.
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: I don't understand why you can't.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like black and white, obvious for you one
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: hundred percent. And so I've had to learn that it's
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: not like that. You know, there's things that he does
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: I have no idea about. But the difference is is
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: that I'm not willing to try. He is, you know,
• 35:34
  Speaker 1: I want him to do all these things, but I
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: wasn't willing to meet him halfway or anything like that.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: So we went through a stage where I felt really
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: unsafe and I didn't want him to be there at all.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: And that was hard because because I was on so
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: many pay medication, I probably wasn't thinking straight. Well obviously
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: I'm not thinking straight, but also days are going by
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: for me that it seems like only hours whereas weeks
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: agoing past for him, If that makes sense. Yeah, So
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: I would say that that was a good chunk of it,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: the three weeks and timing. Obviously, always we had a
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: worker down, so like he had to go to work,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: there was a lot of shouses within his actual environment,
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: and then there was me, and he was having other
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: issues with certain things. He was really really stretched, And
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: when I became a bit better, I realized that I
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: was like his person. I'm the person that he comes
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: to and talks about all of this, and I wasn't
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: able to give him that. So he was really feeling
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: very very lost, very lonely. And again because his capacity
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: is so full as well, he had all this time
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: for people, and we haven't really had things as a
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: couple that other people need to help us with and
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: be like we need to be vulnerable and we need
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: help with something. So that in itself was different for
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: a lot of our friends. So there was a lot
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: of people that for me, it's a no brain at
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: someone's in hospital, yombers of them. Yeah, you know, someone's
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: got kids and someone's in hospital. You can't get the kids,
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: Like it's like a no brainer for me. But what
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: I learned is that illness reflects capacity and not intention
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: love that and once I yeah, once I learned that
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: because you know, you don't wake up and you see
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: your friend in hospital and you think, I'm not gonna
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: go and see do you know what I mean? But
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: that's how I was taking it, of course, So when
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: I sort of realized that it's all to do with
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: capacity and what people have and what people can give,
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: then it became a lot easier for me. But yeah,
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: it was more that I just didn't understand, and like
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: I'm learning as we go on, And that's probably a
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: big thing for this now is that our relationship has
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: become so much more stronger because I've started understanding him
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: more and why he does certain things, and it just
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: it softens you. When we met, obviously I was in
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: a very feminine era, dancing and doing all these things,
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: and he's very masculine. And then when obviously I had
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: got the business, then I became masculine, and so to
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: masculines are not really working together, you know, one hundred percent.
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: So we've had to learn a lot along the way.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: Biggest things are connection through conversation, but also through intimacy
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: as well. And when you have civical cancer, you can't
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: have sex. So this is already two months of not
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: having sex, three months because I'm getting sick, four months
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: because I'm sick again. I've had getting surgies all the time,
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: so when every surgery I have, they obviously go like
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: through my vagina, so like I'm getting in fictions because
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: of everything that's up there. Like, so we have tried,
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: and it hurts so much that I just I couldn't
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: like and it's not enjoyable for him either of your
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: no yeah, absolutely not looking blessed, but no, yeah, getting
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: And so I needed to get some guidance and we'll
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: be looking at you know, doing like six therapy. And
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: I thought six therapy was you know, like some showing
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: you like what to do, but it's not like it
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: has a lot to do with like mind, and you know,
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: because I've had so many Like honestly, I take photos
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: of everyone that comes and like looks in my vagina.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: I'm talking like hundreds of people, yeah, like welcome, like hundreds,
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: Like I've obviously have a lot of trauma down there
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: from there. And before all of this, I was actually
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: bleeding during sex as well, So I have a lot
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: of trauma before it actually started. So we've had to
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: learn other ways to be intimate and to have conversations
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: and things like that. But for a good chunk there,
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: I couldn't talk, so, you know, and then now being
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: intimate is hard for me because I've always been confident.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: I've always felt beautiful and sexy. I've always felt very
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: like that's that's how I like to be, do you
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? Yeah, like I like being in
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: the bedroom if all of that, and now like I
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: don't feel confident, Like I'm thinking what if I belied?
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: What if I this? Like yeah, almost like not trusting
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: your body or doing certain things. So then it makes
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: it worse for you. So doing the sex therapy and
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: talking also with him about things and you know, there's
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: obviously more than one way just to be intimate, and
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: then but relearning that as well, you've been together for
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: a long time, you know, doing it differently, yes, doing
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: things differently, and you know, having to google things or
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: ask people and I'm like, oh, okay, that makes sense,
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: Like we can try that, you know, we can do that.
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: So what's his love language? It used to be acts
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: of service, and I think at the moment it is
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: words of affirmation, but he does like dabble between quite
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: a few because I'm super big on love language, like
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: I always like to be up to date like those
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: types of things. So I was honestly thinking about it
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: on the way here to redo it again. Yeah. Changes,
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: it changes all the time, So I feel like it
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: would be acts of service, probably because he's been lacking
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: that the last six months. He's had to do everything
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: physical touch because is there not as much or you
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: still but it might even be that now. No, so
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: you weren't allowed to touch me either, Oh yeah, I
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: guess I got sick or because he's looking after the
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: kids and the kids were sick. Yes, there's a lot
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: of I also didn't want to be touched like your
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: meal day. Yeah, like I'm jumping on you a hundred
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: so yeah. So it's just re learning that again and
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: doing couple's therapy and and all of that as well,
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: which is being really interesting.
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: So interesting, isn't it what you were saying before about
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: finding You know, you're thinking about what's my body gonna do?
• 41:25
  Speaker 4: Am I gonna bleed?
• 41:26
  Speaker 2: Like that's a very like a heavy way to be
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: very masculine ways, whereas before you're like feeling into your
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: feminine body. Like when I've seen you dance even the
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: way that I see in your feminine I'm like, damn girl,
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: yeah you know so I imagine it's like learning how
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: to redrop back into your feminine in your body and
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: then create that safety again whilst learning intimacy again.
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: I can't even think about the intimacy part yet because
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: like I'm thinking about just me now. Yeah, like you know,
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: not trusting my body as such.
• 41:51
  Speaker 3: I was gonna say, do you feel like, I hope
• 41:53
  Speaker 3: doesn't come across wrong, but do you feel like your
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: body has let you down and you just don't trust
• 41:56
  Speaker 3: it at all anymore?
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, yeah I do. I feel like my body
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: was telling me, but my mind wasn't, if that makes sense.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: Mine was really like it's okay, that happens, you get
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: tired things like that. But now it's sort of like, yes,
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: it has let me down, but it's more that I'm
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: learning about it, if that makes sense, and I feel better, Like,
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: you know, I can't eat certain foods or like I'm
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: a fruit person. I love fruit, but I can't eat
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: as much fruit as I did because it misses with
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: my bell, right, yeah, and then I'm just yeah, too
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: much five of things like that, I can't hold food
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: the way that I used to, and I will be
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: able too soon or later on, but just now so
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: I think with my body it's being you know, I
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: haven't been able to dance, which has been hard as
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: well because that was how I connected to the feminine
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: and not being able to do that, and then also
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: going back and realizing, wow, I actually can't move. I'm
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: scared of making it hot or I'm doing this, or
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: I'm scared that I might hurt something and bleed something,
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: house bleed or you know, there was times there where
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: my bell was like just going when I would just
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: stand up like and I wouldn't have no control over that.
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: So there's a lot of fear throughout that as well.
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: And then you know, obviously a dance, you know, we're
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: not wearing a lot, so it's like a little bit confronting.
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: Do I have to leave just not confident in my
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: body at the moment and think, you know what's going
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: to happen. Yeah.
• 43:24
  Speaker 3: Throughout this journey, has your diet changed. Do they have
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: you on supplements or nothing like.
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: They don't talk much about food.
• 43:32
  Speaker 4: They talk surprising.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: They talk a lot about the medicine behind it. When
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: you look at someone when they say, like, you know,
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: you may know someone that went through cancer and they'll
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: say I changed my diet. I did this. That is
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: because they went and did that.
• 43:47
  Speaker 4: Out of the hospital.
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for not at the hospital or things like that.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel like eating. So when I started, I
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: was like seventy two. At the moment, I'm just fifty nine.
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: So I've lost a lot of weight because I haven't
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: been eating. Is it a bad thing? Not really, Like
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: it's okay to not eat as much, if that makes sense.
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: I was probably overeating and I realized that I was
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: definitely overeating even though I felt like I was healthy.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: Not really. Yeah, I wasn't really thinking about what I
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: was putting inside my body and fix that it was
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: heaving on my body, you know, like if I wanted
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: comfort food, I wanted comfort food. If I wanted this,
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: I wanted that. But now I think about it, like
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: is it worth it to me for my body to
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: go through this? So that has been a real positive
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: for me, to be honest.
• 44:32
  Speaker 3: Why you're way more conscious, like it's going to cause information,
• 44:34
  Speaker 3: this is going to impact my doos, It's going to energize.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: Me one hundred percent. So it has definitely made a
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: positive out of all of this. I'm not there yet.
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: I'm still eating things that I probably shouldn't be eating,
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: and that is because I want to. Yeah, my mind
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: hasn't caught up yet, you know. Like I'm like, I've
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: been deprived of this for so long. I just want
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: to do this, so I want to eat this. But
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: then when I do it and it makes me, you know,
• 44:57
  Speaker 1: feel seck, then I'm like, Okay, I understand now, you know.
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: So just learning about my body has been really different
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: because I've been so in tuned with my body my
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: whole life, and now it's like I'm not.
• 45:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah, You're having to relearn your body and how to
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: support it through all of this.
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: Yes, rebuild a relationship with it now, Yes, Yeah, which is.
• 45:19
  Speaker 4: Hard when you know.
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: And that's what I teach. That's my job, you know.
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: So it's like, now irot it I doing? Yeah?
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: Is there anything throughout this journey that you've learned that
• 45:31
  Speaker 3: you'd like to speak on that you've just learned about yourself,
• 45:34
  Speaker 3: about life.
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: There's definitely like I've learned, obviously so much, and I
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: think that I feel so grateful to we have learned
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: so much about not just cancer that in itself, I've
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: learned so much about it, but just being more aware
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: of things that I'm putting into my body. And the
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: biggest one for me is just the relationships. I've learned
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: so much about relationships and just being softer. And I
• 45:58
  Speaker 1: didn't realize how masculine I really was. I thought because
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: I'm dancing and I'm feminine and i feel sexy, that
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: I'm just you know, but I was really masculine and
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: that almost made me. If someone you know, was upset,
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to fix it, Like I'm not listening, I'm
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: not nurturing, I'm not doing that. So I really like
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: that about myself, you know, I feel really, I don't know,
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: it just feels really easy and just sort of like floating, yeah,
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: through life, and it's just, you know, whatever comes comes.
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: I like that. Obviously, I haven't been back to work,
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: so it's going to probably go back to work, it's
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: going to be a bit different, but I'm with me, Yeah,
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: I don't know it as well. I've had such this
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: big break that I know things now and I'm like, yeah,
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: so that's it really and obviously makesure you get a pepsman.
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I mean I'd love to talk about that
• 46:47
  Speaker 3: more too, because I still have not got mine. But
• 46:49
  Speaker 3: when you first announced, I was like, oh my gosh,
• 46:51
  Speaker 3: I need to book in a paps me out.
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 46:53
  Speaker 3: Is that the advice should we give to everyone? How
• 46:54
  Speaker 3: often should we be getting them?
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: So I didn't know what a perhapsmere was, So you
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: never had one before?
• 47:00
  Speaker 5: No.
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: I had spoken about it a little bit before in classes,
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: and like it's because I'm only young as well. Have
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: my first child when I was nineteen, so I just
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: wasn't really aware of what a perhaps mere was. Nobody
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: was really talking about them, and it wasn't until I
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: had actually got cyvical cancer. That is the only way
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: that you find out if you have it, So that
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: would be my only advice is to make sure that
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: you're up to date at the moment. It's every five years,
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: you know. At the start, I was like, five years
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: is not enough because that's what I had, Like, you know,
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: I didn't have it, So I was like, five years
• 47:31
  Speaker 1: is not enough. But their technology that they use now
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: is that they can actually tell five years. So that's
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: why you don't have to keep coming back. So yeah,
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: pree cancer is SOEU so you can come back and
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: they can test for different things as well, so you
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: don't actually need to go unless there is something wrong,
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: so like unless you were bleeding, like abnormal bleeding. So
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: that is really what you should go through. But if
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: you think obviously something's wrong, they're not going to say no,
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: you can't have it. But they also don't want to
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: be digging around in the air looking for things that
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: are not there. Yeah. Is the sad part of all
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: of this is that if I had just got that,
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't have gone through this. Yeah, And also that's
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: why it's so important. And they do believe that this
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: type of cancer will be cut out soon because people
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: will be up to date with all these things. People
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: will know that and so no one will actually get it.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: But like you won't hopefully get it at stage three,
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: you know, stage one or stage two because it is
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: such slow growing. So yeah, that would definitely be my
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: advice is for that because I think I got one.
• 48:30
  Speaker 3: I must have been around age twenty five and I
• 48:33
  Speaker 3: had abnormal cells, so I had to get them yearly
• 48:36
  Speaker 3: after that. Yeah, and then after the third year, then
• 48:38
  Speaker 3: I was safe and I have one for five years.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: But to tell me that you're abnormal and you've been
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: abnormal for that many years, no, way, way, way back. Yeah,
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: went back yearly. Question after the third year, they said,
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: now you can come back in five years. Perfect. But
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: now it's probably been like seven or eight since I've
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: actually gone back. Yeah, No, definitely, yeah, get one. I will. Yeah,
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: this is the reminder I needed. I think about it
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: all the time.
• 49:00
  Speaker 3: It's crazy, like when it comes to skin cancer or
• 49:03
  Speaker 3: getting a perhaps me or or my brain, like all
• 49:06
  Speaker 3: my father's side have died from them, and I was
• 49:08
  Speaker 3: never like, oh, I should go get an MRI, Like
• 49:10
  Speaker 3: you just don't think.
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: No, not if you're really fulfilled in your life as well.
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: It's almost like, why would you think of that. I'm fulfilled,
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: I'm doing this, I'm waking up, I'm grateful. Why would
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: I be thinking of it's going to happen to you?
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: One hundred percent?
• 49:24
  Speaker 4: I think that's the mindset, isn't it.
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: It's like, you know, you don't get your paps to
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: me because you're like, oh, that's fine, I'm fine.
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: Yes, you know what I mean.
• 49:30
  Speaker 3: I haven't had my skin checked in ages. Then you
• 49:32
  Speaker 3: get the symptoms, Like your body tells you things over
• 49:34
  Speaker 3: the years, like same with my brain, things like you're
• 49:36
  Speaker 3: losing my sight. Yeah, it's like, oh my gosh, your
• 49:38
  Speaker 3: body's speaking to you.
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: Yes, And I think it's important to listen to your
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: body as well. I feel like I really thought I
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: knew my body until I didn't, and now I'm like, Okay,
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: the smallest thing, I'm like, should I go to the
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: hospital for spreas before it needed to be? You know,
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: I'm bleeding hour for hours, and I'm still like should
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: I go?
• 49:58
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you're telling the ambulance to go home when you're.
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: Drive there one hundred percent like I am. I'm take
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: my car because i gotta get it here in the morning.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna get high. Like can I ask one more question?
• 50:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah, of course, because Stine's very much he's very similar
• 50:09
  Speaker 3: to you in the sense like he will never ask
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: someone for a riot. You won't ask anyone for help,
• 50:12
  Speaker 3: Like he just won't ask anyone, Whereas I'm like, oh
• 50:14
  Speaker 3: I just ask a neighbor. I'll just ask, Like I'm
• 50:17
  Speaker 3: okay to ask for help, but he will not. Where
• 50:20
  Speaker 3: do you think that came from for you? That I
• 50:22
  Speaker 3: don't want to be a burden? Like did you get
• 50:23
  Speaker 3: told by your parents or your upbringing or.
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: I've definitely done a lot of inner work throughout this
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: why I react to certain things. Definitely not from my parents.
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: I think at a very young age, I was exposed
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: to a lot of coaches, obviously through sports and dancing,
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: where people expected a lot from me. Right, so I
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: push through. I've took that on is that I need
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: to perform and like I can't let anyone down. You know,
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: I'm yet to discover the negative and that yeah, or dancing.
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: You're like, but do you know what I mean? Yeah, Like,
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: it's that's what I'm at the moment. I'm learning through
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: things like that, you know how you have to relearn
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: things because I still don't understand what's wrong with that.
• 51:10
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: The other day someone told me that I'm hyper positive,
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, cool, Yeah, thank you what you have
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: like saying You're like, yes, I am, but I understand.
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: It wasn't until they said to me, you know, you'll
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: resent things, every little bit of resentment, and I'm like,
• 51:25
  Speaker 1: I just don't feel that, but okay, I feel like
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: something you need to change for me in order to
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: be like, Okay, that makes sense to me, now do
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean?
• 51:32
  Speaker 3: I love that you brought up the sporting thing because
• 51:33
  Speaker 3: I grew up dancing too, and it's like they push
• 51:36
  Speaker 3: you so fucking hard your body. I remember I have
• 51:38
  Speaker 3: like bruise me, bleeding feet.
• 51:41
  Speaker 1: It was like get up and go again. Yeah, I
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: don't care. And that's kind of minds like don't look
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: at it, look at it and you'll be fine on that.
• 51:47
  Speaker 4: Go again, looking atla.
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and this is how you become a good dancers. You.
• 51:52
  Speaker 1: So everything is just a sense. Yeah, everything is just
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: me pushing through and I'm not realizing it until wow,
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: till that makes so much sense. Thanks for answering that
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: curious epic.
• 52:02
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: We've had conversations previously around you know, not not wanting
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: to be vulnerable, but not necessarily leading with vulnerability. Yes,
• 52:09
  Speaker 2: So you find it's interesting that this experience has really
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: pulled that vulnerability out of you.
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: One hundred percent. And I feel like it's still controlled vulnerability.
• 52:16
  Speaker 1: It's definitely still controlled. It's being safe to me to
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: lead into that a bit more and to sort of
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: understand a bit more and I feel more safe to
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: go in there. You know, we've had conversations and you know,
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: you've asked and I want to hang up, but I
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it anymore. Like yeah, done, now,
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: I've done. Now thinking about I'll think about it and
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: I'll come back.
• 52:37
  Speaker 5: Yeh, cancels all quaching pession. I feel like Instagram number.
• 52:46
  Speaker 5: Sorry who literally I don't know, you.
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: Know, honestly, but I'm feeling more safe and the more
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: that I'm learning, I'm feeling safe about it and just
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: being more vulnerable with people. I wouldn't say I like it,
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: but I don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: don't love it because I'm so curious. It makes me
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: more curious to learn more about it and to be
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: there and to be more vulnerable. And you know, I've
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: cried in front of people now, which is being hard.
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: I don't really do that, so that was interesting for me,
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: Like just really breaking down and being seen and seen
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: like that was.
• 53:27
  Speaker 4: Really difficult, Like actually being held one.
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: Hundred percent and just and the people just being there.
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: You know, it's not that it's unlovable or not aligned
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: with them. It's just here like really showing that. And
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: so I feel really close with my teachers, and especially
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: my Brisbane teachers as well. If I feel extremely close
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: to them because of how much they have held me
• 53:48
  Speaker 1: as well, but everyone really has held me. I look
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: forward to and I hope that this next chapter is
• 53:54
  Speaker 1: everything that I needed. I do really hope that I
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: like it comes back and it's okay and I'm like
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: this person that I really am wanting to be, you know.
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: But if also if it doesn't, then that's okay too,
• 54:07
  Speaker 1: and then I'm maybe learn a different person of me
• 54:10
  Speaker 1: and what that's going to be. Like I feel now
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: that I've been given a pathway to live more authentic
• 54:15
  Speaker 1: to me and to let people be vulnerable. You know.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: When I started HBM, it was like I had to
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: have all these walls up, like no one's hurting me,
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: I'm the boss, you need to listen to me, you
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: need to do this, like this is how it is,
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: like da da dada. Whereas now I just feel more
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: like nurturing, like it's almost like you're mothering, not mothering,
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: but just taking care of everyone. So yeah, it's just
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: that feels better. And a lot of people say that
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: to me as well, like you if you're different, and yeah,
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: especially people that have seen me from five years ago. Yeah, yes,
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: that's the transition.
• 54:48
  Speaker 3: My last question is for anyone listening that may be
• 54:51
  Speaker 3: supporting someone going through cancer, or they don't know it yet,
• 54:55
  Speaker 3: been six months time they find out their husband and
• 54:56
  Speaker 3: their friend, their mum is diagnosed with any type of cancer.
• 55:00
  Speaker 3: Is there any advice on how what felt really good
• 55:03
  Speaker 3: for you, what felt away for them to support you,
• 55:05
  Speaker 3: things to say not to say.
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, that's a great question. And it's so hard
• 55:11
  Speaker 1: because I do look at other people and think the
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: way that they needed to be supported as well. It
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: was different to me from my experience. Things that were
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: really overwhelming was people missaging me asking questions, yeah all
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: the time, like what can I do for you? Yes,
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: because you have to think that I've got to think
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: about you. Yeah, So that was really hard. People would
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: just send me love hearts and I will still remember that.
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: There was one girl who showed up my friend Jesse,
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: who sent me love hearts every single day when I
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: was in hospital, and I will remember always remember that
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: thinking of you basically anything from you, just like not
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: expecting anything of that person, you know, just showing up.
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: My best friend Emma, she was bringing me the kid's
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: food to be able to cook, and like, you know,
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: just like those things and it can be so hard.
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: It's what is your capacity? What have you been through?
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: You know? What would I do as well? Like, you know,
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: i'd sit with someone on be there, like I'm not
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: necessarily going to cook or let do those right, But yes,
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: so I would think that if they're sharing, to really
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: listen to what they're sharing about what's important to them,
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: because that's a help me. But yeah, I did feel
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: like thinking for somebody else was really hard, and just
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: being there, like when someone is good, they're not necessarily
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: good about sense. And what I mean by that is
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: that there was weeks there where I was fine, so
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: everyone was sort of just like fine, whereas I'm sort
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: of like thinking, oh my god, like I'm not actually
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: fine mentally as well. But yeah, it's such a tricky question,
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: and I just definitely think listen, being there, supporting whatever
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: you can if I have a partner, that was really helpful.
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: A lot of people just asked my husband and he
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: would do that, but then that also got overwhelming for him.
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: He was like I'm trying to think for my kids
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: and think for what I need from you, So it.
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: Kind of needs the same thing too, just like make
• 56:56
  Speaker 2: the decision. You give what you can capacity wise, and yeah,
• 56:59
  Speaker 2: okay you can.
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: I think it's really helpful when you put out the
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: post of like if you want to help.
• 57:02
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it was very easy for me to do that.
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: So I think it is just the capacity of people
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: as well, and just remembering too that illness reveals the
• 57:13
  Speaker 1: capacity and not intention you know. So, And it's so
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: hard when you're in it as well and you're like,
• 57:18
  Speaker 1: you're shit, you're not coming to see me? Do you
• 57:20
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? But it's just like it's not
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: But I understand.
• 57:23
  Speaker 4: That's such a powerful perspective though, take that away from it.
• 57:26
  Speaker 3: Was there anything someone said that you were like, oh,
• 57:28
  Speaker 3: I wish you never said that.
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: I really didn't like when people told me their experiences. Yes, yeah,
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: that's the.
• 57:34
  Speaker 4: Way to relate.
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm the same with grief. Hair Oh I
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: understand because my grandpa does, and like I will never
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: do that now, Yeah, because I think I think I
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: was because I always spoke from perspective and what I
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: what I had been through relatability. Yeah, whereas they play
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: one hundred percent and then when someone would be like,
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: oh yeah, like my grandhead breast cancer and stage three
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: at eighty eight years old. Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent.
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: Like I'm like, cool, I mean three kids at home, yea,
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: absolutely nothing to me, but I understand the intention.
• 58:05
  Speaker 4: Yes, So it doesn't.
• 58:06
  Speaker 2: Mean that your experience is invalid though, Yeah, man, I'm like, oh, okay,
• 58:09
  Speaker 2: Well that's.
• 58:10
  Speaker 3: Because I think it's things that people who haven't supported
• 58:12
  Speaker 3: someone in the future go, oh, maybe that's not the
• 58:15
  Speaker 3: right time.
• 58:15
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, you know, even the love hard thing that you mentioned, Like,
• 58:18
  Speaker 2: I think it's such a beautiful way to show that
• 58:20
  Speaker 2: you care and that the there and the effort is there. Yeah,
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: but it just looks differently for everyone.
• 58:24
  Speaker 3: It's probably a personal If you do want to reach
• 58:26
  Speaker 3: out for help, she'd probably be someone you would go
• 58:28
  Speaker 3: to because you know she's there, but there's no pressure
• 58:30
  Speaker 3: for her to like show up or do anything a
• 58:32
  Speaker 3: certain stand.
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: And I feel like a lot of my friends were like,
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: I really care about you, but I don't know how
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: to do this or do that. I'm like, oh, it's okay,
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: you know, like I'm not thinking about you. Yes, if
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: that makes sense. Yeah, enough going on having that experience.
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: That's another thing as well, because you as a freak
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: and feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing that,
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: but I'm not thinking about you.
• 58:53
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so valid, So.
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: Like maybe that's a good point. Yeah, we're not really
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: thinking of So whatever your capacity is or whatever you
• 58:59
  Speaker 1: think is good, it's sort of you know, I look
• 59:02
  Speaker 1: at it as like how I gave birth as well,
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: Like I'm the sea and like you're the manager I've
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: gone on holiday. You control what needs to happen. Yeah,
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like you make the decisions.
• 59:12
  Speaker 1: What is your capacity to be able to make sure?
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: So I look at it like that, But yeah, it is.
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: It really just comes down to capacity. And I think
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: that I've just learned that and I feel so much
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: better knowing that about not just the situation, any situation,
• 59:25
  Speaker 1: like that's only what they could do, that's what they
• 59:27
  Speaker 1: could give or anything like that.
• 59:29
  Speaker 3: It's beautiful. Oh, what a beautiful conversation. Thank you so
• 59:32
  Speaker 3: much for being so open and vulnerable on the whole journey,
• 59:35
  Speaker 3: the relationships, the kids. It's incredible, we own all of you.
• 59:39
  Speaker 2: It's gonna be helpful for so many women as well,
• 59:41
  Speaker 2: because any women or anybody who's experiencing loved ones or
• 59:45
  Speaker 2: going through themselves, having these conversations build awareness and then
• 59:48
  Speaker 2: they go through in the future or they're currently or
• 59:51
  Speaker 2: previously gone through it. It's like what Slanta would say,
• 59:54
  Speaker 2: like you shine the light on the darkness that someone
• 59:55
  Speaker 2: may be going through on their own and knowing that
• 59:58
  Speaker 2: they don't have to go through it alone, and like
• 59:59
  Speaker 2: having these conversations or creates so much safety around it
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 2: to be like fuck, if that person wants to come
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 2: and have a converse around that or get supported, they
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 2: will lean into that term and not be so scared.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: And I think your mindset as well around this and
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 2: how beautifully you've held this the duality of your experience,
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 2: the heaviness and also the beauty and the positive gratitude,
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 2: like I think is so inspiring to so many people.
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 3: Really, yeah, oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it,
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 3: and we love on you and we're here for you
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 3: however you might need in the future. And yeah, keep
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 3: us updated.
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: Thank you, love, thank you, Bye guye bye