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When Self-Responsibility Meets Family Triggers · Get It Got It Girl: Midlife Rebuild

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome, welcome, welcome.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kenneth Matic Girl and your transformational coach and emotional intelligence strategist.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here to help you break and transfer your toxic patterns that could be in relationships, family dynamics, jobs, careers, habits, whatever you're going through.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's break it down.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 14, and we're going to talk about um tying up this last couple episodes.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: We had forgiveness and meditation and joy, and it's all going to be entangled into one.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know that you might be on a path and you might be going uphill, and you're finally starting to feel good.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and then comes somebody to try to make you feel bad.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we all know, I know I'll just mention it briefly: the Let Them theory by Mel Robin Robbins, which Mel Robbins is somebody I've been listening to for years before she even started her podcasts.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: She is amazing.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I have used that theory so many times.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you struggle with that, like you're forgiving people.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then it's like an ongoing thing sometimes, or maybe you need to step away from certain people or just take a break, or just be by yourself and take a moment to work on yourself.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's you.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: As I just said that out loud, I'm like, oh my gosh, maybe it's me.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I am working on taking more responsibility.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to blame others.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to make excuses.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I do feel like there's explanations to how we become how we become.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, we all didn't just become what we are by ourselves.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was our environments, our upbringing, our continued friends in school, your your friends as you know, young adults, your friends throughout your life, your environment where you live, who you hang out with, opportunities.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: So there is definitely a correlation, I believe, between that.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I am not in my perfection mode right now.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that perfection is something that we should strive for.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: I can't strive for that, but I do strive for improvement.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what talking about today is that self-improvement, just working on yourself and taking some of the blame.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And Alex Harmoni, is that his name?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Another guy named Alex.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know he said, like, just admit what you did, not to that effect, but those weren't his exact words.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's my fault.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's my fault that I'm here.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Was it intentional?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, but it's my fault.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: My certain patterns that I've done have led me where I am.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I am 53 now.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And if any of you have listened to me, I thought it was 52 this whole year.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Pardon me, I gotta get drink.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I thought it was 52.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I was gonna say, oh my gosh, I lost a whole year.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: This year, I have gained so much.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: This has been the most self-growth, self-development that I have ever learned, and sharing my experiences with you is another part of that.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is what happened to me, and I'm not using a script at all right now, so this usually how I do the bonus, but let's just do episode 14, non-scripted, which is so weird because I have ADHD, so I do lose my train of thought, which I just did.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so please hold.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to do a strategy that works for me as take a breath because I know I'm super excited to explain some things about this.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I went and took a couple of breaths.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: I usually was not a believer in breath work, but this one method that I do works for me.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I will put my hand on my chest and then I will actually put it on my heart.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Close my eyes and take a couple deep breaths in and out.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that seems to get me back to where I need to be.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I do have ADHD.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: My brain does think of every different category, and I'm trying to think more slowly and calmly.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I did jot down a few things.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So just to recap, like the couple, the last couple episodes were about forgiveness and meditation and using, you know, strategies, strategies to cope.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And but right now I just wanted to talk about everything tied in one, the forgiveness, which is I no sooner recorded the episode about forgiveness and then was handed a bunch of things.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's another thing.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk a little bit about holidays.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, we all know this is something that is has been sort of is being talked about lately.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you don't want to go, but you want to go because you love your family, and then there's always a couple in your family that make it difficult.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that one that just throws digs at you and thinks it's funny or laughs at your expense, maybe on purpose, maybe not.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And like just imagine I like I had just started building myself up, and I'm like, no, no one's gonna bring me down.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm feeling good, I'm feeling confident, I have joy.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, little by little, I feel like some people will poke you.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, you you can like there's coping mechanisms.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: You can, you know, do techniques, you don't have to listen, you don't have to talk, you don't have to engage.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: If someone tries to poke you, you don't have to poke back or you don't have to say anything.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And my old way would maybe be to say something even meaner.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, we've got that wicked tongue.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, nope, that's not gonna help.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't help me, that doesn't help them.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not doing it, and so I'm feeling really confident, long story short.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm feeling really good.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've been dealing with all the issues of working on myself for a year after a very emotional, hard breakup for me.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you have listened to my story, so you know.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I yeah, so I have worked a lot of work, and I was like feeling really good.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then I wasn't gonna share this because I I'm kind of dancing around it.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I was feeling really good.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: We all have that kind of person in our life, maybe that's I don't know if you've noticed this, like you're feeling really good, or maybe they like to wreck holidays or birthdays, or anytime they see joy in you.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what I just wanted to talk about a little bit today.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just touch on that.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And as you can hear, I'm like shaking my voice because you know what it does feel like I don't know, like sharing this feels like I can't quite get the word for it.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Blaming, telling on somebody, admitting it's real.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: But it was pretty traumatic period.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It brought back a lot of other things in my past, and that's what I'm working on, so that's what we're gonna I'm gonna follow through with that.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you can see it's a sensitive subject.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And let me see, how can I bring this up?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so basically I live with my mom.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've lived with her for her and my oldest son for a year since I left my situation.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let me pause real quick.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I've lived with them for a year and you know, paying rent and stuff, and then at the end, since I quit my soul-sucking job, I haven't been able to find a job.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, I'm trying to switch careers, which wow, at 53, that's a hard one.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now I do have some schooling, but I have not finished my BA.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if I had that finished, I'm sure that I could have got a job easier in the field that I want.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then every time I go to apply, because I'm like, okay, whatever I need to do to get where I need to go.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I say that to myself, and I apply for the job, or I go to apply for the job, which is surveillance, which I've done 20 years of my life, and I just no longer can do for so many reasons.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's a whole nother episode.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: That'll be coming up when I talk about like breaking toxic habits with employment or toxic things that you have in your life, but not right now.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: I just wanted to touch on the holidays, and I got off track because ADHD.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: And okay, so here's the deal.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is what happened.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna say it, here's it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I live with my mom, I live with my son.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very grateful.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I am grateful to be there.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: It gave me the chance to heal, but it's also doing some harm because I don't know, I can't diagnose my mother, but this is what happened.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll just share the raw details.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see, she bought a turkey, and I it's very important to do holidays for me.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's very important, and I thought it was important for her.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then we had opened up and I thought we were getting closer.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And nope, maybe we're still getting closer, but at the same time, something happened.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: So she thought that we had frozen thought out the turkey.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I went, I talked to my sister, and she knew, you know, she's been cooking turkeys for 20 years, probably.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I showed her the turkey, and I cleaned it.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I did and me and my mom even did this together.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I thought we were bonding, so and that doesn't take away we were bonding, but there must be some misfire with her.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what's wrong with her.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I can't diagnose her.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I just know like my experience.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I know this feels like I'm sure some of you have gone through this, and it probably feels bad to say out loud because it's so hard to say about you know, like your parent.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so she's all worried about the turkey not being good enough.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's wrong, it's it's it's raw, it's this, it's that.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: But okay, this is a pattern, a pattern, a pattern, a pattern.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a holiday, she likes to act up.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a birthday, it's always about her, and it just like low energy.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, okay, so I'm I'm living there, and I know it's her oven, but boy, does she make sure to let me know it's her oven.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And not for a victim, but just sharing this experience because this was traumatic.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: This kind of broke me.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And as strong as you can be, you can be broke.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Something can just hit you right in the ugh, and it hurt, it hurt, it hurt really bad.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I even told her, like, this is really important to me.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if Thanksgiving gives you a hard time.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: We spoke, she did share a couple things, and that's the other day.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought we were getting closer, and then I thought it was important to her because she's done this before with Thanksgiving, but I don't know what something went wrong.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: This one.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I continue to get the turkey ready.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's all it's good.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I text my sister.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: There was like a little bone marrow in the back bottom of the pan from overnight, and she said that was normal.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I took it out, I rinsed the pan, I basted the turkey, and my mom's like, that's my oven.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want you to put it in there.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, Oh, come on, mom.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm trying to like lighten the situation, but she is serious in it.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when she gets something in her mind, you ain't gonna be able to do it.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like consulting chat GBT because sometimes I like to find out what to do in situations.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, and it's like, okay, just calmly put the turkey in, just do it anyway.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I heated the oven.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: I heated the oven.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't put the turkey, and I can laugh because some of it is silly, and I have to laugh because I don't want to cry.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be able to tell the story right now.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so I turned the oven on to preheat it.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know what I went and did.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Something just little because at this time I'm just like trying not to engage with her.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to cook the turkey, and at the same time, my nervous system, I am shaking, and that has to be from past abuse.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it is definitely from the last relationship because that made my body feel very shaky.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: My nervous system was always a wreck, and it would just be like at a snap of a finger, like someone just snaps, like you think everything's cool, and then bam, it ain't good.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm shaking and I'm I turn the oven on, I preheat it, and I'm like, okay, I'm putting the turkey in the oven.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to do anything with the turkey, you don't have to eat it.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I don't want it in my oven.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, mom, that's being silly.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so I proceeded to put the turkey in the oven after I basted it.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, before I basted, and she's like, I don't want you to waste the butter.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: It was too late.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: I continued to baste the turkey, and so it looks beautiful, by the way.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was so excited.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: My daughter, I told her we're gonna have turkey at grandma's, she was excited to come over, and I was excited.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then I kid you not, I put the turkey in, and she still wants to engage and tell me blah blah blah.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: She wants it out, she wants it out, she doesn't want it in there, she doesn't want to cook it, she's gonna throw it away.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And days before this, she wanted to throw it away, she was gonna throw it away, so she was already like self-sabotaging the turkey or sabotaging the turkey in the holiday and the atmosphere and the happiness because I was feeling happy, I was excited, my mom and I were doing things, it felt good.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's you know, still the thing that I'm trying to do is get her love, get her approval.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've been doing that my whole life, and I thought I had some and it felt good.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's part of the reason why I do live with my mom on and off.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: She's lived with me, I've helped her out throughout the years in Vegas, so we have done this back and forth.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so I'm still trying.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still trying to get that love, that relationship.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I have two other two brothers, two sisters, and I am what do you call it, the black sheep or the scapegoat, or maybe the both?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a black sheep goat?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to call it, but yes, I'm that I'm that kind of person.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I go take a shower because I don't want to engage because I feel like I'm in a blow.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's really hurting me.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's really making me feel upset and very sad and just like sick.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I want this so bad.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm living at her house, so it's her oven.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I put it in the oven and I go in the shower.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: I take a shower and I'm like, then I I don't get out.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I take a nice long bath that felt good, and I'm like, oh my god, the turkey's not out.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: The turkey's the turkey's not in the oven, is it?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I sure enough, I get out of the shower.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: The turkey is sitting on the top of the stove.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Mind you, I've told my kids they're gonna come over, we're gonna have a great Thanksgiving turkey dinner, and we already had the bread, the gravy, everything, like everything's ready to go.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And she just will not let that cookie, that cookie, that turkey cook, she took it out of the oven, and man, that hurt so bad.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, like to my core, all that confidence, all the excitement, all the good feelings, just whoosh.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: My face was red, my ears were red, I didn't want to cry in front of her.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, ooh, that was a tough day.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I had to tell my kids, well, the turkey's off, but I I didn't tell them why.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: I struggled with that.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if they listen to this, they're gonna find out.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I still didn't tell them why.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like my oldest son knew, because he lives there, and I guess when he came home, my mom, well, because she threw it away.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't dare ask me to throw the turkey away.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um had she asked me, I still would have thrown the turkey away because my mom is, you know, she's older and she's not best of health.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I would have done it.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I I left.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: I went to the library for a couple hours.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I worked on my own thing.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I I had to get out of there.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: I had to calm down.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: I went and did my own thing.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't say anything about the turkey being out of the oven.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess she took it out later.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: So she took it out and she threw it away in the trash.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then I just told my son, no turkey, both of my sons, but my oldest one who lives at home and he's at work.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when he came home, I wasn't home yet.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess she told him she had to throw away the turkey all by herself, and it was very hard.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: It was a 15-pound turkey, so I can imagine.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel bad about that.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I also know that it's not I didn't do it.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Even though she did something so heart thrown, so painful, I still felt bad because I picture her struggling taking the turkey out, but then I think I I I don't know.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: So that's still unresolved for me.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: And and she didn't tell my son what happened with the turkey.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Of course she didn't tell him.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: But it continued it continued to be great because my oldest son he made some cheesy hamburgers, and my daughter was at work, and my youngest son came over and he brought cake, and that was amazing.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then I found out that he, my youngest son, went to my friend's house, which was kind of cool.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't been talking much to her because I'm just working on everything I need to work on.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was still cool that he went.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it was a little disastrous.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then the next day, like I have a little coffee maker.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: But in the back of my mind, I hear you should be grateful, you should be grateful, you should be grateful.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: I am grateful.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't take away that this is still tough.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I'm going to be on a mission to move as fast as I can.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: I need a job, any job.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I applied for many jobs at night.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna keep applying.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get two jobs if I have to, maybe offer some of my coaching class, and maybe you can sign up and I can give you some the things that I learned in life coaching, which I have been using for my life.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Let me find a drink.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm thirsty one moment, please.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I I am not not that I'm not grateful.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm definitely grateful.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: At the same time, it's still damaging.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to I'm gonna get out so I can work on healing this part of me.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is a major part, and it's very hard because my mom is ill and she I don't know, maybe has the illness, it's not good.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: So she might have a year, she could have five years, I don't know, and that's hard.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: But the fact is it's it's killing me, and I see the pattern of why I want to live with her over and over.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just hoping that I get what I need from her, but she just can't give it.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something I have to realize too.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: She can't give it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried to ask her what's wrong, what was her childhood like?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Was it bad holidays?
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, no, but then I guess when she was married to my dad, I know that that was rough because our one grandmother didn't really care for us.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I'm not sure about what happened there.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: But she felt unlike we were unwanted, which makes no sense to me because then I'm thinking, well, wouldn't you want to have the best holidays ever?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's over there.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: But I guess this isn't the case.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so I need to separate that.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: I need to separate that, and that's been another thing.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Mel, Mel Robbins, thank you.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, that let them, let them, let them, let them.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't do anything.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can't help her, I can't fix her.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can only help me.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I need to help me in this situation.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be a little selfish.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I do need to get out, and then maybe from a distance I can help her, but it is toxic for me to live there.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I just said that online.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, if somebody could tell her, and maybe I'll be out of my butt.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's toxic.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna help us heal.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, see now I'm backtracking because I'm afraid of maybe she'll hear this.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: But it's the truth, maybe it'll help, I don't know.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: But I do know that some of my other family has gone through this.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that like I'm not the perfect mom.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't been the perfect mother to my kids.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that I have never felt made them feel this way, and if I did, I'm gonna be apologizing.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening, kids, I do apologize.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like I never want to make you feel this way.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hope I haven't.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: If I did, I'm sorry.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have something to talk to me about, that's what we'll do, and I'll be talking to them about that too as well.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't know if I won't share this, but if they would listen, I'll answer.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, oh, I don't know if I shared this because I've been rambling, and then yesterday I don't know, she was cleaning the the kitchen.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: One moment.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: She's cleaning the kitchen out, and I don't know, it was a mess, but I didn't the spaghetti got somewhere in the wall or something, but my little coffee maker that's in the corner that I barely use was bothering her.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, You need to get this out of here.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Get this.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want this on my cover, put it in your storage because a lot of my stuff is in storage, and I'm just like, okay, so then I said, if that will make you happier.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know, I guess I got scared because I thought, oh my god, she's gonna throw my coffee maker away.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I when she wasn't in the room, I took it off the I took it off the counter and put it away in my own area, hidden in a drawer.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it's out of the area.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, and then I actually confronted her.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: I called her out on it.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: I said, if that, if my other sister put that, you know, like the favorites, you know, we all know everybody has favorites, but she her favorite.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: I said, if she had a coffee maker there, you would not make her put it out.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I ooh, I knew it was true.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: She knew it was true.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, oh, that's silly, of course, denial.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I actually spoke up.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I felt bad after, but I felt, you know, good.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do it in a disrespectful way, but then of course she shut her door for the rest of the night.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, this is just opening up the dynamics of family, toxic behaviors.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I'm not totally innocent.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: I am 53.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm taking my responsibility and my accountability.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna pick any more wars or like fight back with her at this time and juncture.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna do what she wants me to do, lay it low, maybe, you know, just work on my plan to get out.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: And from afar, maybe it'll be better if I'm not living there because I still don't want to cut her off out of my life.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want to be.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the words are, so I'm not even gonna say what I thought I was gonna say.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't want to cut her off, but I do think some space would be good, and then maybe I'll be more helpful.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be able to be more helpful because I do I do feel like it does, I don't know, stop me from doing more stuff.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I am definitely, ooh, the last couple days, like I can be regular, like just normal, and yeah, okay, mm-hmm, and just joke a little, but I'm not gonna lie, it's hard now inside it.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard because I'm hurt.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: That hurt.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what breaking these toxic patterns are about.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: Going through the pain and just recognizing what part you can you can control because you can't control people, you can't change them, you can't fix them, offering unwanted advice to them.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I decided to do the podcasting too, because I'm like, okay, if you people need to hear it, they'll listen.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm it it letting you know my experience, hopefully sharing and helping somebody else going through the same experience.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to not listen, you can turn it off.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that way I'm not giving advice.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: I try not to give advice.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing things like sharing the tools with you that I will use personally.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then I, you know, like I will not do anything that I don't ask you to do.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: I will not speak about anything that I haven't been through.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a therapist, I'm not a counselor, I don't have my degree, I'm not licensed, but I do have a license and lived experience.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what you can do.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that you want to talk about or help or speak on if you've been through it, you can do it.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking to myself right now.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's my duty to share this.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's my I don't know, it's just my passion in life is to help people and to help people from my pain.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I know you can't stop people from going through pain.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: I learned that with my kids.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's so hard when they're going through something difficult.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can't take their pain away, I can't fix it.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: I try to give advice, and then that kind of backfires, and you you can only just share what you've been through, and hopefully something that you shared help somebody.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: And in the meantime, it does help you.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you listen to Get It Got It Girl, I really appreciate you.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 14.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's off the rails.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was not obviously there was no notes in front of me whatsoever.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so get it, got it, girl, for this week.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: I want you just to take it easy and work on yourself and also just be a little extra nice to yourself.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: Holidays are tough, holidays are full of joy, but they're also tough.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: And also remember, some people don't have people in their lives, like maybe including you.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you just don't have the person that you love, and we've lost loved ones, and it's hard.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: So be good to each other.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, that sounded like Jerry Spring.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Be good to each other.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but yes, be good to each other, know your limits, take a breath, take some coping skills.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh now I feel like I'm giving you advice.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna work on my podcast format.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so get it, got it, girl.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just want to get you out there, and let's see if we can get some music on for you.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, there it is.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: Get it, got it, girl.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 14.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: 14.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: All right, and holidays and just a mix of everything.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's call this the holiday match of the middle.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Get it, got it, girl, get new out of here, and I hope you have a great week.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then one more thing.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: If you are having difficulty, let's let's do this.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm gonna clap for me because wow, you can do it.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here for you, I'm here to listen, I'm here to share my stories.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: As always, reach out to me, get it got itgirl.com, fan mail on Spotify, or is it Buzzbrook, whatever you need to do, just reach out, share the story.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this helps you.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great week.