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The Things I Don’t Do Anymore · Living & Learning with Aundria McMillan Humphrey

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to Living & Learning with Aundria McMillan Humphrey.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 38, The Things I Don't Do Anymore.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've been thinking about something lately.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, but that's nothing new.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: My mind apparently did not get the memo that at this stage of life it is supposed
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: to settle down and behave itself.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: But here's a thought that caught me.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: There are a whole lot of things I don't do anymore.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about things I cannot do.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's a different conversation.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about things I have simply,
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: gloriously, sometimes belatedly decided I just don't want to do anymore.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a difference.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And what a delicious difference it is.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel nearly as obligated to explain myself anymore.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: There was a time when a simple no seemed to require more explaining, evidence as it were.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, I can't, because.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't want to, because.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: No, I have decided not to, because.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then would come three paragraphs or so of evidence for the defense.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: As though somewhere a jury was deliberating over whether I had sufficient cause
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: to live my life the way I chose to.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But these days, not so much.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the answer is simply, no thank you.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And look at that.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Three words.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: A whole afternoon saved.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I also don't believe I have to finish everything I start.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now that one took some learning because somewhere along the way,
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: many of us were taught that once you start something, you have to finish it.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Finish your dinner.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finish that book you've been working on forever.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Finish the project.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I have started some books that just didn't deserve that kind of loyalty.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Life is too short to spend on things that don't bring you joy or at least a sense
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: of satisfaction.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: And while we're clearing things out,
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to stay in conversations I've outgrown either,
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: or arguments that are going nowhere,
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: or relationships with people who seem determined to drain my energy.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: There comes a point when you realize that peace is sometimes more valuable
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: than being in draining relationships.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's wonderful to see clearly with shut eyes.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I like to stand my ground and speak my truth.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, I can listen and appreciate other perspectives, but I still like to be right.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't we all?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I like the fact that still
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still evolving, not shrieking, and I'm certainly not dead.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing, I don't save things for some day quite like I used to.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: The good dishes, the bottle of something wonderful that I haven't opened just for me.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And why not?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Use it, wear it, open it, eat the chocolate.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody else could eat the chocolate.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not particularly interested in eating chocolate, but you get my point.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Some day has been arriving all along,
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: and one of the gifts of living a long life is discovering that today used
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: to be some day.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: This life we're living right now,
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: there was a time when it was somewhere out there in the future, and here we are.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't worry quite as much about whether I'm doing what's sensible to everybody else.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That one has been particularly useful because if you live long enough
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: and stay curious enough,
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: you may find yourself doing things nobody expected, including you.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: You might take up something new, like I've just started to learn how to play the chorah.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Go somewhere you've never been.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Fall in love with an idea.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Change your mind.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Start over.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Wear something absolutely outrageous.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: You might discover that the person you were at 40 does not get to dictate what
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: the person you are now is allowed to become.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: I like that one.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another thing I don't do anymore.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't automatically assume that getting older means getting smaller,
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: having a smaller life,
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: smaller dreams,
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: smaller possibilities, less curiosity, less adventure, less becoming.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, not anymore.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely not.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Some things do become smaller, of course, like my patience for foolishness.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Remarkably small, almost microscopic.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: But my sense of Possibility?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: That seems to keep expanding.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps because I've finally begun to understand
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: that possibility doesn't always mean some enormous new achievement.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes possibility is simply having enough room inside your own life
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: to hear yourself,
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: to notice what delights you,
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: to notice what drains you, to notice what you have been doing out of habit.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Rather than desire.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps to say, you know what?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't do that anymore.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's tremendous freedom in those words.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not anger, not rebellion, not a dramatic declaration accompanied by trumpets.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just recognition that belonged to another season.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't belong to this one.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's something we don't talk about enough when we talk about becoming.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: We tend to think becoming means adding,
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: adding on a new goal,
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: a new practice, a new skill, a new plan, a new improved version of ourselves.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: But perhaps becoming also requires subtraction, putting down old expectations.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Getting rid of things that you really don't want or need anymore.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Releasing a role.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Changing an opinion you've carried for years.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Giving yourself permission to stop doing something that no longer fits simply
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: because you've been doing it forever.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the question isn't always, what do I want to do next?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe sometimes it's, what am I ready to stop doing?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I'm too old,
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: not because I cannot,
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: but because somebody told me I shouldn't,
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: or not because somebody told me I shouldn't,
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: but because I've lived long enough to know that isn't mine anymore.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when you put those things down, something interesting happens.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's space.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: And life seems to have marvelous ways of wandering into the spaces we stop filling
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: with things we no longer want there.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: A new curiosity, a new friendship, a new idea.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: An afternoon with absolutely nothing scheduled.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what a wonderful thought.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine that.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe even a version of ourselves we haven't yet met.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps this week you will catch yourself doing something you've done a thousand times.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of automatically doing it for the thousand and one times,
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: you just might stop just for a moment and wonder, do I still want this?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Does this still fit me?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is this still mine?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: And if the answer is no, well, you don't need an explanation.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need permission.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: You certainly don't need a committee meeting with all your friends to ask them their opinions.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can simply smile and say, oh, I don't do that anymore.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then you see What becomes possible because you don't.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is Aundria McMillan Humphrey, and you've been listening to Living & Learning.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently, I'm still doing both living and learning.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening this morning, and I hope to have you with me again next Monday.