Latest / Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach / EP 21: Is Mom Guilt Running Your Kids' Schedules?

Transcript

EP 21: Is Mom Guilt Running Your Kids' Schedules? · Healthy Boundaries for Moms| Christian Life Coach

• 0:00
  What if the biggest thing stealing your family's peace isn't the schedule itself, but the guilt driving it?
• 0:11
  Let's get into the topic of mom guilt.
• 0:15
  If you're tired of people pleasing, caring too much, and wondering why peace still feels so hard to hold on to, you're in the right place.
• 0:25
  Hi, I'm Lori, mom, former people pleaser, and Your Boundaries coach.
• 0:30
  Here, we talk about how to protect your peace, set healthier boundaries, and get clear on what actually matters so that you can build a life that feels lighter, calmer, and more satisfying.
• 0:42
  So let's stop the chaos for a minute, moms, catch our breath, and get into this next episode.
• 0:53
  Hey friends, welcome back to Healthy Boundaries for Moms.
• 0:57
  Today, we're going to talk about something that I think just has become so, so normal in parenting culture that most of us are not even questioning it anymore.
• 1:10
  What am I talking about?
• 1:12
  I'm talking about the packed schedules.
• 1:16
  I'm talking about the constant activities and the pressure to say yes to everything.
• 1:25
  I'm talking about sports, birthday parties, vacations, school events, social functions, extracurriculars, always going, always doing, and we're always trying to keep up.
• 1:40
  But do you ever think underneath so much of it is we're believing that being a good parent means we're making sure our kids never miss out on anything, right?
• 1:52
  We're looking around, and especially in the culture today, busy has become that signal that we're all kind of looking around for, for good moms, and that our kids, that they're valuable.
• 2:06
  And we compare our calendars, like how full is your calendar to how full is my calendar, and there's just constant activities, right?
• 2:16
  Between school and birthday parties, we're always achieving, and we're always moving.
• 2:23
  But what if the schedule were to slow down?
• 2:27
  It usually starts us questioning whether we're doing enough, or are there missed opportunities?
• 2:35
  Are we falling behind?
• 2:37
  So, honestly, I caught myself doing this recently.
• 2:41
  I was talking to my son about our summer plans, and we were talking about signing him up for Muay Thai.
• 2:50
  I don't know if I'm saying that right, but we were talking about what his schedule looked like for the summer.
• 2:56
  And normally, it would have just been a yes, because he's taking a trial class.
• 3:01
  He loves it, and it sounds productive.
• 3:04
  It's healthy.
• 3:05
  It's disciplined, and he decided to stop with Kung Fu.
• 3:10
  So, we thought, okay, maybe this will be another good martial arts for him to sign up for.
• 3:16
  But then I stopped, and I really looked at his schedule, and he already has so much going on this summer that he is taking on.
• 3:25
  Even some new commitments that he's not had before going into high school.
• 3:30
  And I realized I was literally about to add three more days of structured activity, and physical activity, and learning something new.
• 3:41
  And this boy barely has any margin.
• 3:44
  And what I thought was crazy was, I wasn't doing it because he needed more.
• 3:50
  I think just part of me felt uncomfortable with this space that he had.
• 3:55
  Like, we got rid of Kung Fu, so something else has to take its spot.
• 3:59
  And like, if there's open time, I need to fill it with something productive.
• 4:05
  And that really, really convicted me.
• 4:08
  Because what if the downtime that he has on his schedule is actually important too?
• 4:17
  What if the rest matters?
• 4:19
  And what if boredom matters?
• 4:21
  What if margin is part of a healthy development, not absence of it?
• 4:29
  But I think we need to ask some harder questions that are uncomfortable, to be honest.
• 4:35
  But like, one question would be, what is all this busyness actually teaching our kids?
• 4:42
  Because I don't think we're just raising busy, active kids.
• 4:46
  I think sometimes what we're actually raising is anxious, distracted, overextended kids.
• 4:53
  Who never learn how to actually rest, or focus, or be present.
• 4:58
  And if I'm being honest, I think a lot of this is being driven by this mom guilt.
• 5:05
  More than our actual wisdom.
• 5:09
  And I think we've confused what we see as busyness with being healthy parents.
• 5:16
  We've started using exhaustion and overcommitment, packed schedules as proof that we really care for our kids.
• 5:25
  But that's the wrong signal.
• 5:28
  Peace, presence, and connection, intentionality, are really harder to measure.
• 5:37
  But they matter more.
• 5:40
  And listen, I'm not saying extracurriculars are bad.
• 5:43
  I hope you don't hear me wrong.
• 5:46
  I think sports can be amazing, and my kids have been in tons of sports.
• 5:50
  Tons of sports.
• 5:51
  Activities can build confidence, and kids can learn the discipline, the teamwork, the commitment, the resilience.
• 5:58
  But that's not the issue I'm talking about.
• 6:00
  The issue is when the schedule becomes driven by fear instead of intention.
• 6:05
  This is the fear of missing out the FOMO, right?
• 6:09
  Fear of falling behind.
• 6:11
  Fear that if we don't give our kids every single opportunity, somehow we're failing them.
• 6:17
  And that's what's interesting to me.
• 6:20
  So here's some statistics.
• 6:21
  They don't support the pressure that we're living under, guys.
• 6:25
  It says about 70% of kids quit organized sports by the age of 13.
• 6:33
  Only around 7% of high school athletes will even play college sports at any level.
• 6:40
  And only 2% make it to Division I athletics.
• 6:44
  So, oh, and I'm sorry, one more statistic.
• 6:47
  Less than 2% of NCAA athletes go on to professional.
• 6:53
  So if we are structuring, like our whole entire family, and our lives, and our time, and our finances,
• 6:59
  our weekends, our stress levels around something that statistically,
• 7:05
  because we've heard the stats, is very, very small chance of this actually happening.
• 7:11
  And listen, this is not about crushing dreams, okay?
• 7:15
  If your child loves the sport, amazing, great, okay?
• 7:20
  Commitment and discipline, they are beautiful things.
• 7:23
  But we cannot avoid asking ourselves these questions.
• 7:27
  Are we making decisions from wisdom and calling?
• 7:31
  Or are we making them from fear and the pressure that we're feeling at the moment?
• 7:36
  Because the goal was never to raise a professional athlete, right?
• 7:40
  The goal was to raise a healthy and grounded, emotionally strong human being.
• 7:47
  And sometimes I think we've confused exposure with development.
• 7:53
  We think the more, the better, right?
• 7:56
  More activities must mean automatically more growth.
• 8:01
  But real growth usually comes from depth, focus, staying consistent, and margin, not constant motion.
• 8:14
  Because it's not just sports anymore.
• 8:17
  Let's talk about vacations that we feel the pressure to take.
• 8:21
  It's going to every single birthday party, every school function, every social invitation, every opportunity.
• 8:33
  And if we say no, what automatically comes in? Mom guilt.
• 8:39
  Like, we're depriving our kids, we're not involved enough, we're not doing enough.
• 8:45
  But I think we need to stop and ask ourselves, what are we teaching our kids?
• 8:51
  Because I don't think we're just teaching them how to be active and be healthy.
• 8:56
  We're teaching them to value FOMO over their actual growth.
• 9:02
  We're teaching them to keep up socially instead of learning how to be leaders in their own lives and think for themselves.
• 9:12
  We're teaching them that busy is normal and rest is lazy.
• 9:17
  And that saying no means disappointing people.
• 9:21
  And honestly, that sounds like a lot of people-pleasing patterns that we are trying to break in this podcast.
• 9:29
  And I think underneath all of this, we are not actually pursuing balance.
• 9:35
  What we're pursuing is performance.
• 9:39
  We're trying to perform as parents.
• 9:43
  We're performing socially. We're keeping everyone happy.
• 9:48
  We're here to meet every expectation, avoid disappointing people.
• 9:53
  But when your whole family is constantly doing this performance, is there any peace?
• 10:00
  No. And honestly, that's people-pleasing in a whole different form.
• 10:06
  We are saying yes because we don't want our kids to miss out.
• 10:10
  We're saying yes because we don't want other parents to judge us.
• 10:14
  We say yes because we don't want our kids upset with us.
• 10:18
  And we say yes because, let's be honest, it feels uncomfortable to opt out.
• 10:23
  To be the only one not going or one of the few not going.
• 10:27
  But balance requires boundaries. Balance requires disappointing people sometimes.
• 10:34
  And it requires us to be secure enough to say, this is enough for our family.
• 10:39
  And I think that's one of the greatest gifts we can teach our kids.
• 10:44
  Not how to keep everyone happy, but how to live aligned.
• 10:49
  How to prioritize what actually matters to us.
• 10:53
  And how to rest without the guilt.
• 10:56
  And how to make a decision intentionally instead of out of reaction and reactively.
• 11:03
  Because I don't think that teaching them how to become adults
• 11:08
  who feel responsible for other people's expectations, emotions, is peace-giving.
• 11:15
  It sounds and it is exhausting.
• 11:19
  What we're trying to do is raise leaders.
• 11:22
  But somehow we get lost in the culture and we're raising followers.
• 11:27
  Kids who feel the pressure socially to comply with what everybody else is doing.
• 11:32
  Instead of how to learn and think intentionally for themselves.
• 11:38
  Because leadership starts with being able to say, this isn't right for me.
• 11:42
  This season is way too full and we don't need to do what everybody else is doing.
• 11:48
  And if our kids never see us model it, how are they going to learn it?
• 11:53
  And then we spread them so thin.
• 11:56
  Because it's a little bit of this, a little bit of that.
• 11:59
  We're going from one thing to the next, right?
• 12:02
  And they become good at a lot, but they really master nothing.
• 12:07
  Because when everything matters, right, nothing matters.
• 12:11
  Real growth requires time and focus.
• 12:16
  It needs consistency, margin and depth, not constant destruction everywhere.
• 12:22
  And neuroscience actually supports this too.
• 12:25
  When kids' brains were not designed for nonstop stimulation and constant performance,
• 12:31
  their nervous system needs recovery.
• 12:35
  And downtime is actually critical for healthy brain development.
• 12:39
  It helps with creativity, emotional processing, memory, focus, problem-solving and self-awareness.
• 12:49
  And the neuroscience also shows that when kids are constantly overstimulated and overscheduled,
• 12:54
  their brains can stay in low-level stress response.
• 12:58
  This affects their focus, emotional regulation, their sleep, their attention, their resilience.
• 13:04
  And honestly, that's heartbreaking when you think about it.
• 13:08
  Because we're all pushing our kids hard because we want them to succeed.
• 13:13
  We mean well.
• 13:14
  But sometimes the very pressure we think is helping them to do well and succeed
• 13:21
  is actually overstimulating their nervous systems.
• 13:24
  And here's what's fascinating.
• 13:26
  The brain actually processes and integrates learning during downtime.
• 13:30
  Rest is not wasted for the brain.
• 13:33
  And rest is where integration happens.
• 13:36
  And we're so afraid of our kids to be bored, right?
• 13:40
  But boredom actually builds and creates their independence, their creativity.
• 13:46
  And this is where their identity can begin.
• 13:50
  So downtime is not getting in the way of their development.
• 13:55
  Downtime is a crucial part of their development.
• 13:59
  And we need to start modeling that as parents.
• 14:03
  Again, not laziness, not them checking out, but healthy rest.
• 14:07
  Because our kids are learning how to live by watching our modeling of it.
• 14:13
  And if they never see a slowdown, and they never see us protect quiet,
• 14:18
  they never see us say no, never see us choose margin over the busyness,
• 14:24
  then they grow up believing that they're too supposed to feel rushed at all the time.
• 14:29
  And that's normal.
• 14:30
  But honestly, if we look at Scripture, we don't see Jesus running around trying to do everything.
• 14:36
  We see focus, intention, presence, right?
• 14:41
  He was present wherever He went.
• 14:43
  And He withdrew when He needed to.
• 14:45
  And He had a timing and He had a plan that He followed.
• 14:48
  In Luke 10, 41 to 42, Jesus tells Martha,
• 14:52
  Martha, Martha, you're worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed.
• 14:58
  And indeed only one.
• 15:01
  And I think this connects to what we're talking about, right?
• 15:05
  Because we're distracted by the many things.
• 15:07
  We're the Martha.
• 15:08
  Only a few things actually matter.
• 15:12
  And how about in 1 Corinthians 10, 23, it says,
• 15:15
  I have the right to do anything you say, but not everything is beneficial.
• 15:22
  Again, just because we can sign up our kids for another good thing,
• 15:28
  doesn't mean that we should.
• 15:30
  And I think that we need to be intentional about the things that matter most.
• 15:38
  And maybe that's what we should be teaching our kids.
• 15:41
  That the goal isn't to have every opportunity.
• 15:45
  Maybe the goal is just to raise grounded, emotionally healthy, connected human beings.
• 15:51
  You know, kids who know how to rest and focus.
• 15:54
  To say no and be present and live intentionally.
• 15:57
  Kids that know their worth.
• 15:59
  That is not tied to achievement or constant activity.
• 16:03
  So in this week ahead, you've got,
• 16:06
  instead of giving a giant to-do list to you,
• 16:09
  I created something simple called the family margin check.
• 16:13
  It's just a quick set of questions to help you evaluate
• 16:16
  whether your family schedule is creating peace or pressure.
• 16:20
  I have a couple questions on there like,
• 16:22
  do we have time to rest and even be bored this week?
• 16:26
  Are we rushing more than connecting?
• 16:28
  Or does my child still have time for downtime, play, and creativity?
• 16:33
  So if you want that family margin check printable,
• 16:37
  along with the reflection questions from today's episode,
• 16:40
  make sure you're signed up for the Wednesday newsletter.
• 16:43
  And I'll link it for you in the show notes.
• 16:46
  So I want to leave you with a few questions to think about this week.
• 16:49
  What on this schedule is actually helping my child grow?
• 16:54
  And what is being driven by fear, guilt, pressure, or comparison?
• 17:01
  And maybe the next question is, where does our family need margin?
• 17:06
  Not more productivity and not more achievement, but margin.
• 17:11
  Because margin is where connection happens,
• 17:14
  and it's where peace happens, where faith grows,
• 17:19
  and it's where your kids actually learn who they are.
• 17:24
  Hey friends, I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
• 17:27
  If so, would you take 30 seconds and go join our free Facebook page
• 17:32
  at Healthy Boundaries for Moms?
• 17:34
  That's where we go deeper, share what's actually working,
• 17:37
  and support each other in real life.
• 17:39
  I will also share some great tools and tips to help you along this journey.
• 17:44
  I have also included a link to sign up for our brand new
• 17:47
  weekly newsletter in the Facebook group.
• 17:50
  Don't forget to hit follow and leave a quick review on Apple.
• 17:54
  It really lets me know that this podcast is helping you.
• 17:57
  More importantly, it helps more women find this podcast.
• 18:00
  Now go, say no to something that's stealing your peace,
• 18:03
  and say yes to something you actually need.
• 18:06
  And I'll meet you back here in the next episode.