Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Is Your Wife So Stressed By Teenage Kids?

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Why Is Your Wife So Stressed By Teenage Kids? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:08
  Today we're going to be talking about why your wife is so
• 0:11
  stressed out by your teenage kids.
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  And a lot of guys don't understand this because they are
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  stressed by the teenagers, but not in any way to the level that
• 0:20
  their wife seems stressed by them.
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  And it seems to take over the whole household and mood of the
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  home and everything else. The entire atmosphere is colored
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  by the wife's stress about these children of this age, and I will
• 0:34
  talk about that in depth as soon as I tell you to subscribe.
• 0:37
  My most recent subscriber episode was probably something
• 0:41
  about sex or relationships. I cannot remember.
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  And let's let's see let's see the what's gonna be coming up?
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  There's gonna be 1 coming up on. Let me clarify.
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  Of course your marriage is supposed to be somewhat child
• 0:59
  centered. That's the one that's coming up.
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  So I didn't look at the last one.
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  But you know, sometimes I take a few days in between recording
• 1:07
  some of these. I don't remember.
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  Anyway, that one should be a good one because a lot of people
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  have said, listen, I mean, well obviously I'm the first to say
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  you should prioritize your marriage is that's most of what
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  the podcast and posts are about. But some people take this to an
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  extreme and some preoccupied attachment guys think that means
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  the wife is supposed to like them more than the kids or
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  prioritize them more than the kids.
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  That's not real. That's not going to happen.
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  That's not healthy. You wouldn't want to be with
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  that woman if you actually had her in reality.
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  And I'll discuss why in that upcoming subscriber episode.
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  So subscribe now. And there's also 135 others, so
• 1:41
  well worth the 899 a month. OK, so back to the teenager
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  debacle. So obviously having little kids,
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  babies and toddlers is stressful, physically demanding.
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  It's loud. There is a lot to manage.
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  They're all over you. You get touched out, etcetera.
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  You may have thought that as the children get older, it would get
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  easier. It usually does in the
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  elementary school years. But then the teenage years are
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  considered more stressful, according to research, for
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  parents than even the toddler and baby years, which had
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  previously been thought to be extraordinarily stressful until
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  there is this new comparison point.
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  So which women are particularly stressed out?
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  Well, the more that the woman is identified with her role as a
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  mom, so a stay at home mom, for example, then she will not the
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  working moms, obviously. Working moms such as myself or
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  very into the children, you know, But there's a difference,
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  right? You have another thing.
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  So things could go well for me at work and badly with the kids.
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  So like, I could get, let's say, into a fight with with my
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  teenager and then, but that day at work went really well, right?
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  So then there's like 50% of the things I did that day went well.
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  Now if you're a stay at home mom, then your role, your career
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  is the children. So if you get into a fight, it
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  would be like a man, you know, who's a workaholic getting
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  yelled at by his boss. That day is going to suck, man.
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  Nothing's pulling you out of that hole.
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  Well, it's the same. The more time and energy and the
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  more of yourself concept you a lot to the role of mother, then
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  the more you're going to be upset by things happening with
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  the children and babies. And toddlers are difficult and
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  they can be defiant but they're not going to personally attack
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  you. Whereas teenagers are trying to
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  individuate so they can say So when a 2 year old says I hate
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  you, if a 2 year old said I hate you, that would mean basically
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  you didn't give me what I wanted.
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  It means the same thing for a teenager, but they got a lot
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  more words. So, you know, they could be like
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  you are a fake person, something like that.
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  Some of them say, like you are a hypocrite.
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  They say you, you don't have the right values or something like a
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  teenager can say to a parent, well, that sounds really
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  hurtful. I mean, it's very hurtful, you
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  know, So it's attacking your character.
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  It still probably means you didn't give me enough access to
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  screens today, but it can also mean, you know, like, I really
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  have decided in my teenage brain that I do not want to be like
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  you at all. It's interesting when you go
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  back. I've talked about the show My
• 4:12
  Socalled Life and how I used it previously.
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  As an example, when I did my podcast.
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  Yes, adults used or it was called Adults used to have sex.
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  And I talked about how when rewatching some of the shows
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  from my youth with my children, such as my Socalled Life or
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  Dawson's Creek, it was so interesting because when you
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  compare those two, for example, the teenage show never have I
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  ever, which was really kind of supposed to be like my socalled
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  life, I believe. But the mother in never have I
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  ever. That was today.
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  That was in current times. She never had sex.
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  She was a widow and she like never had sex.
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  She like had she kissed a guy like once.
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  Whereas, you know, and she wasn't even supposed to be
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  dating or anything. Whereas in my socalled life that
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  people were having sex constantly.
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  The married couple was having sex.
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  They were having trouble. Angela's parents, the
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  protagonist parents, and they were still having sex.
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  It was like understood that people have sex, like that
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  adults have sex. Well, also if you go back and
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  you watch those things from the perspective of the parents
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  instead of the perspective of the teenage child, then you
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  could see that it was a very stressful time.
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  Angela's always getting into trouble.
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  The friends are getting drunk. These are irrevocable problems
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  that the child could have. You know, getting pregnant,
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  getting into a car accident, drunk, driving, you know,
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  running with the wrong crowd, violent things happening.
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  So this is a large source of worry for parents.
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  If your wife and women have higher rates of anxiety and
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  depression than men, If your wife struggles with anxiety, the
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  idea of a teenage child doing something that cannot be fixed
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  or solved and then we'll put them on the wrong path forever,
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  that's a big thing that keeps her up at night.
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  So if you are as a man, do not struggle with anxiety, then you
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  have no idea how much she thinks about this.
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  I follow various pages that are suggested to me and Facebook and
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  one of them is like this moms of teenagers thing.
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  And I think I've mentioned this before because I find it so
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  interesting and you should always look at your wife feed,
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  you know, like the stuff she gets and she should look at
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  yours. This can help people understand
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  each other. She's getting things in her feed
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  like like this, this mothers of teenage kids thing.
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  I forget what it's called. And the woman is always always
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  like grieving her children, growing up and feeling all this
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  self doubt about how she is with them and like feeling like just
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  so torn and and complicated about their growing up and being
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  independent versus not and and what they used to be like and
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  mourning their childhood. I mean, probably struggles with
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  depression or anxiety, but this is representative of the sorts
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  of things that your wife is seeing come up in her feet and
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  the way that more sensitive, anxious and depressive women
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  view the teenage years. Also, I've talked about the
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  young mother stage like and why did in the podcast, Why does
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  your wife get so sad about the kids growing up.
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  That's another reason you're dealing with a teenage child at
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  this and and they're stressful to deal with as I'm discussing.
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  But also, you know, they used to be like a cute little baby and
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  so you're mourning the loss, love that child, and then
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  subsequent iterations of the child, like the 8 year old that
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  love Disney World and the 10 year old that still like to
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  cuddle. And now they've been replaced by
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  this child that just grunts and doesn't really want to hang out
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  and you know, prioritizes their friends over anything related to
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  you or the family that doesn't really remember to ask about you
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  ever. Because of adolescent
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  narcissism. And bring Speaking of which,
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  adolescent narcissism is developmentally normal.
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  It means they become very self-centered.
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  That's why they're always looking in the mirror and
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  obsessing about their friends and their drama and their
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  promposal or what have you. But if for somebody, if your
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  wife had a narcissistic parent, then this is going to trigger
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  her a lot. You know, she's going to feel
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  basically like she's back at home without being able to
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  verbalize that or possibly being able to verbalize that.
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  So if you have a self-centered parent in your history, then
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  definitely you are going to be triggered by the narcissism of
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  anybody that you interact with, even if it's developmentally
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  appropriate, such as that of an adolescent that is only
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  concerned about themselves. So if you try to understand some
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  of this stuff more in depth, then it can allow you to have
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  more empathy with your wife. Your wife is basically in
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  mourning. You know she is.
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  She's grieving the loss of of the babies, the loss of her
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  identity as a mother who knew what she was doing because very
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  few mothers of teenagers feel like they know what they're
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  doing. You know, I mean, unless, you
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  know, God just smiled on you and you have, like, world's most
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  wonderful, you know, sweetest, most loving and caring and and
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  responsible kid, then, you know, you feel like, where did I fuck
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  up, you know, like, along the way because they're being
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  disrespectful or they're difficult or they're not
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  focusing on school or whatever. You know, it's very hard not to
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  take this personally. Again, as I and as I said, if
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  more of your identity is around being a mother, such as if you
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  were a stay at home mother, then many stay at home mothers when
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  they have teenage kids honestly feel like, why the hell did I do
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  this? They're not even grateful.
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  They're not even appreciative. They kind of act like assholes.
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  And I've devoted my entire life to them.
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  So, you know, that is something that is a taboo thing to say
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  because you're always supposed to say, oh, I'm so glad I had
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  the time with my kids. But a lot of people say, you
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  know, it's in therapy where you could say anything you want.
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  You know what? Maybe I'm not so glad.
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  Fuck them, you know, like they're acting like assholes
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  now, so you know. For you to deeply understand
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  your wife's perspective is hard for a lot of men because they've
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  had work as their primary identity all throughout,
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  although being a father of course, is obviously super
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  important. Men can be wonderful fathers,
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  but rarely, and it's going to change, as I say, frequently.
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  If if there's more stay at home dads, then they will feel the
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  way that these women feel. You know, as you know, why did
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  I? Maybe focus so much is a common
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  way to feel when you feel unappreciated or treated badly,
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  which is common in the way that teenagers talk to their parents,
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  makes the parents feel unappreciated, taken for
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  granted, etcetera. Another thing of why your wife
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  may be feeling so bad. Again, this is all to promote
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  empathy, and if you're saying, well, what's the solution,
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  There's no solution to your wife feeling bad.
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  Maybe your wife could get into therapy.
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  That's a your wife thing. Your job is to empathize and to
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  understand it's not about you. You know, like there's there's
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  no world in which some bad shit happens with your teenage kid
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  and your wife just like focuses on having sex with you.
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  Like, that just doesn't happen. It's like, not even real, you
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  know, Like to even think that that would happen is just like,
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  you might as well be believing in the tooth fairy.
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  You know, like if you if your wife gets a call from a teenage
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  kid that is like, you know, failing out of some class.
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  Oh my God, Mom. Like, I got, you know, I failed
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  this class and I don't know why. And I'm, I'm gonna, you know,
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  talk to the teacher. But I don't know what happened.
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  And maybe it's because I cut a whole bunch of times, but I
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  don't really know. You think you're getting laid
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  that day. Fuck no.
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  Like, definitely not she. Her her stress level is through
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  the roof. Many guys are like, all right,
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  cool, you know, I mean, that sucks.
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  And I'm going to talk to that kid about it, and I can't
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  believe why his head is up his ass so far.
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  But of course, this isn't going to impact my daytoday
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  functioning at all, you know, But with their wife, it's as
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  though, you know, a car accident happened.
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  So to understand this in and of itself is like a major, major
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  step for many parents now. Also, the men think of the
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  teenagers leaving as the light at the end of the tunnel
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  sometimes. Yeah, I'm going to miss my kid.
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  But honestly, this has been a bad time, you know, it's been
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  very stressful. We got one more and then we'd be
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  empty nesters. We could do what we want.
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  We could travel. This goes into my podcast about
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  when you got different expectations for the empty
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  nester yours, which you guys should listen to.
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  And the wife is often not thinking like that, or if she
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  does, she feels it makes her a bad mother.
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  So then she feels very guilty about thinking like that and she
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  doesn't want to do it. So she does not want to look
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  forward to the kids leaving the house because it makes her feel
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  bad. And also in marriages which are
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  not working well, you know which many of you have.
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  If you're listening to this podcast, some of you are
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  listening for enrichment, but some of you are listening
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  because there's a problem. And if you've not been close,
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  then often the woman is very, very focused on the children to
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  hang out with and stuff. They are who she loves to spend
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  time with, and when they don't want to spend time with her or
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  when they're going to leave, she gets very depressed.
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  On average, women actually do better after the children leave
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  the house. They get happier because human
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  happiness increases after age 60, after you get out those
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  pesky sex hormones out of the way.
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  But but the women that have had ambivalence and about, you know,
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  their marriage and who struggle with depression, anxiety, etc,
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  who don't feel like they got time to remediate any deficits
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  that they perceive that they had as a mother.
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  You know, it feels like to some women, like time gets away from
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  them. They wanted to develop this
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  wonderful reciprocal relationship with the child and
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  do all these things. And then it's just like, bam,
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  the child hits teenage years, they pull away, they're doing
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  more stuff alone. They don't really want to hang
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  out. And then the woman feels a lot
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  of grief for missed opportunities.
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  And this is always going to be amplified, by the way, if she
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  had a bad relationship with her own mother because then she
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  always wanted to be the mother she never had.
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  And if she feels she didn't have the chance to do that, then she
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  feels very bad. So the child leaving the house
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  feels like the end of her opportunity to make this the
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  relationship that she always wished that it could be.
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  A lot of men don't have this much shit trapped in and and
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  then meshed in the idea of parenting.
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  They just don't. Not that it's so easy for them
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  to parent sometimes, you know, they could be real assholes or
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  impatient or removed or detached or all sorts of things.
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  But what they usually don't do is obsessively think about their
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  relationship with their kids. I got guys in therapy, I barely
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  know their kids names. I mean they'll just be like my
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  oldest because like they mentioned the kids name once
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  every like 3 weeks, so they don't expect me to remember it,
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  you know? Whereas with the women, it's
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  like, man, I know all of their names of the kids or you know,
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  at least the oldest down the road.
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  Like, it's like that's the what everybody talks about the most
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  is the oldest because that's the one where you're trying your
• 14:38
  hardest to to understand this new stage that's happening.
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  You know that that's the one that's always going to be doing
• 14:44
  everything first. So the woman is very anxious
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  about her ability to parent this child through this, to shepherd
• 14:50
  the child through these new experiences and this new stage
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  of parenting for her. Anyway, these are all the
• 14:56
  reasons why your wife is so stressed out by the teenagers
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  and what should you do? You should be supportive.
• 15:01
  You should be loving. You should forward this podcast
• 15:03
  and say which of these things resonate with you.
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  This is not one that's going to offend her.
• 15:07
  This is not one of them. Like where you send like, you
• 15:10
  know, 10 reasons to give me more head.
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  That is not this kind. So you should send this to her
• 15:15
  and be like, which of these speak to you?
• 15:16
  Which of these points that she made speak to you, right.
• 15:19
  I mean, is this how you feel? Could I stand to be more
• 15:22
  empathic and kind and understanding?
• 15:24
  Do I minimize the amount that these children's behavior and
• 15:28
  their various endeavors impact you?
• 15:31
  Have I not been empathic about that enough?
• 15:34
  Just like she probably doesn't understand, you know, various
• 15:37
  things that impact you like sex, right?
• 15:39
  So your wife does not understand how much sex impacts you.
• 15:42
  Not having it makes you feel like a loser and like failure,
• 15:45
  right? She doesn't get that she's like,
• 15:48
  OK, few. We don't have to.
• 15:49
  We just had sex. So thank God we are at least for
• 15:52
  a week. He's not going to bother me for
• 15:53
  sex. Now I could focus, I could
• 15:55
  really get some shit done around the house.
• 15:57
  Like, that is so alien to the way that most guys think that it
• 16:00
  feels like something from a different planet.
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  And so my job is to help you understand one another if you
• 16:06
  were my clients. But also in this podcast, right?
• 16:09
  So I'm trying to help. In this podcast, the man
• 16:12
  understand the woman's what he perceives as an obsession with
• 16:15
  the children. And I'm saying, you know what?
• 16:18
  Unless she is really meeting criteria for depression or
• 16:21
  anxiety, in which case, certainly go to a therapist.
• 16:23
  Google those criteria. God knows I've talked about them
• 16:26
  enough. When you can't admit you're
• 16:27
  anxious, when you can't admit you're depressed, I have
• 16:29
  podcasts on those things. But overall, this is a difficult
• 16:34
  time, particularly for women with parenting.
• 16:37
  Now if she's laying in bed crying about it, then we're this
• 16:39
  is different. It might be every six months,
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  maybe, I don't know, every three months.
• 16:43
  If this is a regular thing where she's hysterical crying and
• 16:46
  sobbing and screaming and self chastising, that's not normal.
• 16:50
  No. Then she needs to see a
• 16:51
  therapist, for sure. But just feeling like, Oh my
• 16:54
  God, am I doing a good job? I'm so stressed out.
• 16:56
  What's up with this? Why can't he get his life on
• 16:58
  track? Why can't she just pay attention
• 17:00
  in school? Why do these children fight all
• 17:02
  the time? Where are they?
• 17:03
  Who are these new friends? What's going on?
• 17:06
  Do you think she's having sex yet?
• 17:08
  Do you think this? Do you think that that's normal?
• 17:10
  That's normal. So just so you know that's
• 17:14
  normal. And I hope you got something out
• 17:16
  of this podcast guys and I'll talk to y'all soon.
• 17:18
  Have a great day.